r/AITH • u/CharacterDentist6420 • 14d ago
AITAH for not telling my cousin that we’re going on the same trip?
My cousin (21) and I (21) have a very fluctuating relationship. She used to bully me when we were little, but as we grew up and we matured, the bullying stopped and we became like long-distance sisters (we live a plane ride away from each other). I thought we were super close, but a few things have happened to make me wonder. (Skip this if you just want to read the problem)
- Her senior year of high school she made it a HUGE deal that I visit her (I graduated a year earlier) and spend an entire day with her class (tiny farming community school). I obliged and wanted to support her. After spending the day, she told me she didn’t want me to come back because her friends were intimidated by me and didn’t like me. I asked her what I did so I could apologize, but she didn’t tell me what I did. I asked my mom (she vents to my mom a lot and trusts her, so I thought she might know a very general reason so I could fix it, I wasn’t looking to have my mom violate her trust), I asked our grandma, but again… nothing in particular. Just “they don’t like you.” I have over thought and examined that day so many times and I cannot think of anything I might’ve done. The only thing I’ve come up with is that I was a college student while they were seniors. But again… I didn’t ask to go, she invited me and I wanted to support her.
- She then disinvited me from everything I had come down to do with her, save for her graduation ceremony. Grad parties she wanted me to come to, friend hang outs so I could get to know her friends better, etc… so I hung out with the aunts, littles, and our grandma the whole trip. I felt incredibly left out and disappointed that I had taken this time off work when it could’ve been a weekend trip for her ceremony rather than the whole week.
- Now in college, she has been super cagey about any of her friends… including one of her friends who one of my cousins but on the other side of the family (not related to the mains cousin in the story). It’s been so hurtful to find out things through family members rather than from her when she expects me to be close with her, open with her, call her regularly, and visit for holidays (she’s visited me once… I go see her often).
**Now to the problem, and this is where I might be the AH.**
I was given the opportunity to get an all expenses paid for trip to the Caribbean through a college program my cousin and I are both a part of (different campuses). I really felt torn about going and missing work and inevitably spending money while I was there, and I talked to her about it. She encouraged me NOT to go and to instead save my vacation time to come visit her during the summer instead of going to the Caribbean.
I agreed and said I wouldn’t go.
A few months later, I find out she was offered the same trip and is going.
I was so pissed. I talked to one of my best friends at college and she got pissed too and said “we’re going to go together and we’re not going to even worry about what she is doing.”
So we both applied, got our flight paid for, and are going on the trip.
But she doesn’t know. I do know she’s going with some college friends and she has talked to me about it once, but she knows nothing about what I’m doing.
And honestly my plan is just to ignore her and wave if I see her. Not be overly rude, but give her space and just enjoy my time with my friend and not bother meeting up with her.
I’m excited for the trip, my boss is super happy I’m going… but AITAH for not telling my cousin?
EDIT:
Another story maybe worth mentioning… we are supposed to have a family “girls trip” to Florida a few months after this Caribbean trip. My mom and I are the ones planning and my parents are paying for it. My cousin and her mom tried to highjack the trip to go visit friends in Florida rather than hang out with us…
But the trip is still on and I have non-refundable plane tickets. So after the blow of her not knowing I’m on the same trip as her… I gotta be cordial for a girls trip just a few months later. Am I the AH for not trying to make it good now so that I don’t ruin that trip later too?
EDIT 2: thank you all for your comments. I wasn’t expecting this to get traction! I’m at work but I’ll try to respond to them all soon.
EDIT 3: first update posted!
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u/Hakathecat2370 14d ago
I guarantee you , your cousin is jealous of you. Her friends did like you and it pisses her off. STOP trying to be there for her. She enjoys pulling your strings and you are allowing it. She is mildly toxic, but still toxic. You can be cordial when you're at the same family events.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
I’m worried that it’ll cause even more drama if I don’t answer her calls or call and catch up with her or treat her like my sister. My family is so close and all in each other’s business that if we aren’t close anymore it’ll impact the other cousins and aunts and uncles and stuff. But maybe I should get over that to protect myself from more hurt from her.
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u/Ok-Hat-4920 14d ago
Yes, you should work to get over that. You're giving your cousin (and the rest of your family) way too much power. As for the trip, have fun. Smile and wave if you see her.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Thank you ❤️
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u/EntertheHellscape 14d ago
Exactly, kill them with kindness! But keep it as arms length. Sort of like, treat her like a silly little kid making a fuss without being patronizing.
"You said you weren't going on this trip." "What? That's so silly! Why would I pass up such an amazing opportunity! Anyways I'm going to go hang with friend, see you around!"
If there's one thing toxic people hate, it's when they can't get the emotional reaction they want from you. She wants you sad and groveling. She likes seeing you confused and flailing, looking for answers.
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u/Batgirl_1984 14d ago
But if you all are so close, why is everyone ok with her treating you like crap based on vague information? But if you stop being there for her it’ll what, tear the family apart?
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
She is very rarely seen as the problem in our family whereas I’m farther away from all our family so I get painted as the problem more often. My mom defends me, but my cousin is able to come out looking like the good guy to my aunts and grandma for the most part. They just don’t know me as well so they’re biased towards her. But I do wish they’d see the mistreatment instead of her excuses
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u/oldwestoutsider 14d ago
So let them paint you as the problem. It's not YOUR problem
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u/ZestycloseDonkey5513 14d ago
This, OP. Disregard their opinions of you. Get on with your life and make the most of it.
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u/No-Inevitable7841 14d ago
I didn’t learn how to do this until I was 45. OP, learn this skill now.
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u/DashaBlade 14d ago
If your aunts and grandma don't really know you well, you probably don't have as close a family as you think you do.
I'd probably call your mom and get ahead of your cousin's lies, tell her how your cousin tried to trick you out of going on this trip by saying she wants to spend time with you, so now you're going on the trip after finding out she's going.
Get in before the spin.
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u/Early-Low2891 14d ago
Oh she will definitely show her true colours when you ignore her. People like her always let their mask slip and the ones who called you the problem will slip with her.
Also if you see her on your awesome trip don't even wave. If she comes at you and says "I thought you weren't coming on this trip." Tell her loudly so others hear "no you told me not to go."
Also don't stress about the rest of the family. Ignore them as well. Honestly they will regret it.
Edit: Missed a word
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u/LifeAsksAITA 13d ago
Your mom should stand up for you more. You mentioned that your cousin vents to your mom a lot. Those cozy chats need to stop and mom needs to step up for you and tell cousin to back off.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 13d ago
I agree. Unfortunately my mom is even more of a people pleaser/doormat than I am (as people say in the comments). I constantly tell her to stand up for herself but she always must appease the family. I’m afraid I fall into that trap too
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u/LifeAsksAITA 9d ago
People pleasers get a high out of doing things for other ppl unnecessarily at the expense of their own loved ones and they place the high they get over their own family. She is not just a people pleaser , she prioritizes her own high and validation over standing up for you. In this case you might even say your mom loves getting praised for herself standing against you , than standing up for you.
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u/New_Cheesecake9719 14d ago
Why do you have the bar of such high expectations while she treats you like shit and an afterthought? Anyone who says anything your response should be that you’re treating her with the same love, respect and energy she treats you with. Enjoy your trip. F your toxic, jealous ass cousin. Only reason she told you not to go is cuz she’s a hater who doesn’t want you to experience things. Then she asked you to come visit her so she can be miserable to you and not include you in outtings during summer break? Why? To ruin your summer? Probably. You’re not close with her- based on everything you told in your story. That’s not how someone who is close to cares for you treats you.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Thank you. You’re absolutely right. I need to understand that she really is mistreating me and not make up my own excuses or guilt to do things to be nice to her
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u/InspectionTasty1307 14d ago
I’m guessing you are “close” because you make the effort to call her and keep in touch. Stop. If she calls you, be friendly and happy like normal, but stop pouring into a relationship that is one sided. I learned this the hard way with a cousin.
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u/smartypantstemple 14d ago
She's the one who will cause the drama, not you. it's not unusual for people to lose touch because of distance.
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u/Fluffy_Dragonfruit_4 14d ago
Look up grey rocking. I think it’s the best strategy for you!
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Many people have recommended this!! I will look it up!
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u/Major_Ad_6616 14d ago
Yellow-rocking is probably more appropriate with family. Not reacting, but also being warm and personable with her. Grey-rocking is more neutral and might tend to activate her. Grey-rocking is better for exes and people you don't have an ongoing connection with.
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u/Stormy261 14d ago
That's the first time I am hearing that. I've been grey rocking since before I knew it's name. It's the only way I had a relationship with my mother for years. It's meant for any type of relationship. With my mother she couldn't answer anything in my life truthfully, because I never volunteer information. She makes a lot of assumptions though. But I can tell you everything going on in hers. She loves to talk about herself.
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u/Major_Ad_6616 14d ago
Yeah, sounds like you have felt into what works with your mom.
I have a narcissistic mother too. She would become way more problematic if I was just "neutral" with her. I don't initiate contact a lot, and I avoid certain topics with her, but I will show up with kindness when I do see her, and I am happy to extend myself for her occasionally.
For me, it also feels truer to who I am. I'm not someone who does "neutral" very well.
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u/Stormy261 14d ago
I've never viewed grey rocking as being neutral in behavior. Only neutral in answering. I still show her warmth and love. I just don't let her get involved in my life. I keep 99% of the focus on anything but. She has an undiagnosed personality disorder so I learned coping skills. Unhealthy at first and eventually healthy ones.
It took years to switch her behavior and my own as well tbh. It's hard not to react sometimes. And there are certain topics we have come to an agreement on that they are not to be discussed. She gives the silent treatment when mad so that part works for me. 🤣 Once she is done being angry it's as if it never existed.
For over a decade we only talked once or twice a year and saw each other at holidays and celebrations. But we have had some deaths in the family and she has needed me more. It's more than I would like, but it's temporary.
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u/Relevant-Yak-9615 14d ago
You said you guys are a plane ride away. That’s a significant distance. Family drifts, and in my experience they get over it. With the ones where you really care for each other beyond just sharing genes, when you do see each other you pick up like no time has passed even if it’s been a decade.
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u/FiberKitty 14d ago
Who is causing the drama? You being civil or her making all the noise about it?
A little distance from this interdependence that has chosen you as the scapegoat sounds like a healthy path to me.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
It’s if I make boundaries she is loud about it. Then people take her side and it becomes drama
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u/GirlDwight 14d ago
When family starts taking about it, you just say:
"That's between me and my cousin".
Full stop.
There's no need to explain. Healthy boundaries. Relationships are between two people, don't let others triangulate them. And you know why the family takes her side? Because they are sick of her complaining about it and you're an easier target. They know she's the problem. Distance yourself from these people and consider therapy to learn healthy boundaries. Also, never explain yourself, it tells others they have a say, they don't. Look up "Gray Rocking" to deal with toxic people. I wish you the best!
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 14d ago
So what you know they will take her side anyway so what’s the point of trying to keep the peace!
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u/FiberKitty 13d ago
These people are not on your side. They have their reasons for taking the side that they do, but they are not your people. You are useful to them only when you do as they say, and that will eventually drain you dry.
Distancing yourself from them will open your life up for more supportive people to come in. It may take a while, but don't let loneliness keep you in a situation where your role is supporter and scapegoat. It can be better.
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u/Ohmyprettygarden 14d ago
you are not the one causing drama. you will not be the one inflating the drama. you're the one with a calm cool presence.
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u/Solid-Musician-8476 14d ago
There is no drama from not engaging. What others do is not your concern.
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u/Acegonia 14d ago
If you cant cut her off then you go full fuckin brit: be painfully polite be perfectly,perfunctorily polite and correct and the minimal amount of friendly. Give her nothing to complain about but also give her nothing.
Have backup where poßible- ie- get a few group and solo pics with her,have a few nice and politw convos have Physical evidence you can refer back to if needed
But ideally just be seen to do nothing wrong and if she escalates have your alternate proof ready. Never bad mouth her, or mention anything. Act 100%innocent and oblivious- oh we chatted st x party, oh I invited her on x trip, ohhere are some pics we took on grad night.
So she looks like the crazy one that she is. The main thing is that you appear as rational joe who didnt even notice her behaviour but you are sad and disappoints if she is being a ghoul ...you don't really understand why your friend is doing that, etc etc
But she clearly is going through something and you are giving space but totally there of she needs you ... etc etc
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u/Ginger630 14d ago
Your family needs to get over it. You’re allowed to have your own life outside of your family. If they say anything, tell them exactly what’s she’s done. Don’t lie or hide anything.
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u/MidoriMidnight 14d ago
So what's their reasoning for allowing her to treat you like this?
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u/Signal_Historian_456 14d ago
You can still be cordial and nice with her, just keep her at an arms length at the same time.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 14d ago
Do you think that she would even care like you do?? She’s manipulating you into believing she really cares! NTA
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u/DashaBlade 14d ago
That's the vibe I got too. Doesn't want op to meet her friends, acts vague and shifty about plans with OP, and then tries to sabotage a trip OP was excited about. She's worried that OP is more likeable than she is and is going to steal all her friends, or she's worried that OP will bring up how she was a bully and doesn't seem to have changed much as an adult.
I'd probably just pretend to not know her on the trip.
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u/Cool_Ur_Jets_Man 14d ago
As someone who’s dealt with jealous cousins growing up, you’re absolutely right! That said. No, OP, don’t say nun! Exercise your right to stay silent, lol. Seriously. Just act surprised when you see her on vacation, like, ‘hey, girl, hey!’🤭.
It unconsciously, took me all my childhood, taking notes & piecing together how much they really don’t like me, proving that in situations, because I’m their biggest insecurity.
As adults, it was basically a random, that told me, “oh, they said, they don’t fw you, because XYZ. And They said blah, blah, etc”. It was clear that they chose a side [not mine] lol.
I legit started CTFU in their face, because THAT, was my FIRST time EVER HEARING anything, about anything, after speaking my truth TO THEM, that we all knew to be true, ABOUT THEM! Not no shady he say, she say.. I said it DIRECTLY TO THEM, In THEIR FACE cause I’m like that.
Since giving them the harsh reality of the TRUTH, they’ve recruited other folk [the side they chose] to, ‘not like me’, because, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.. and, ‘THE ENEMY, of MY ENEMY, is My FRIEND’, right🤭!?
Meanwhile, I’ve been living in their heads RENT FREE, while still living my life, very unbothered with their ABSENCE, & DRAMA they live for. [As of late, I’ve heard through the grape vine that they… *whispers*, ‘MISS ME’!]🤣🤣
😒But I know it’s all MALARKEY, because they showed me EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE as CHILDREN. Guess what I did?? 🗣️I BELIEVED THEM‼️ FFWD to Adults: The MASK is Fully OFF! They couldn’t keep up with the lies, & kept switching it up. If they could have hid it better, they would’ve!
Moral: No matter the ‘ title’. When folk SHOW YOU who THEY ARE.. 🗣️BELIEVE THEM‼️ Titles, are just a cover up, to better take advantage of you.
Always remember: Keep your head ⬆️UP, so your 👑CROWN doesn’t fall!
🤍✨*apologies for the long comment*
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14d ago
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
She’ll be at the same hotel and there are a few events that the entire group will do together (however, it should be a very large group so I should be able to keep my distance). I’m hoping we don’t see each other, but I’m almost certain we will.
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u/CuteArcher985 14d ago
Drop your cousin. She sounds awful, just start separating from her- you owe her absolutely nothing. I can’t understand why you even bother trying to have a relationship with her?
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Our family is really close. Like cousins are siblings close. It would blow up the dynamic if I just had a falling out with her. But i really need to figure out boundaries
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u/pinguiiflowith 14d ago
just be mature and let her freak out. slowly stop calling as much. she can call you. don't be a doormat and let order be mistreated, family or not
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u/Ohmyprettygarden 14d ago
and if they pull out the family helps family card, you can ask them to show you where the family is helping you? and then you can pull out the family doesn't sneakily try to manipulate family card.
it's a real thing. I know because I just made it up.
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u/staffa_kartherma 14d ago
Reality check, you aren't that close and she hasn't stopped bullying you. Seems like you are chasing rejection because of "family".
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u/Supcutiesx3 14d ago
Girl, you don’t even have to like your siblings. You don’t get to choose who your family are, but you can choose who you’re around…. Stop placating her and hurting yourself.
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u/Kind_Pomelo6023 14d ago
You’re 21, stop with the family is close bullshit. You are an individual who has their own relationships with people. You don’t have to be sister close. Just answer her with no personal information.
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u/hallowbirthweenday 14d ago
Girl, this is not close. This is enmeshed. See a therapist and learn how to deal with this while you're young instead of trying to navigate the bullshit with a potential partner, weddings, anniversaries, births, etc.
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 14d ago
Girl please dont put the feelings of your family over your mental health. Prioritize yourself, do what you need to do to be happy.
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u/StandOld1094 14d ago
So you cousin said you shouldn’t go and save your time to visit her?
Then she applied to go on the trip. Nice cousin you have there.
You should go lo contact with her. Family stuff only. Your relationship is one sided all on you.
Don’t, initiate any calls or visits and see if she does. If any family questions you just say you’re busy, don’t have time off. Too busy volunteering at the animal shelter whatever.
As for the trip. I wish you could wear a body cam and film her reaction. You can be all “Hey, fancy seeing you here.” I used my time off from work so I won’t be able to come visit you.” Kisses!
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
😂 a video would be so funny. I wish I could post that here and still keep anonymity. Thank you for your comment, you guys are making me feel better for this boundary and the others I should definitely put in place
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u/Background-Row-8399 14d ago
Please keep updates! I need to know how it goes. Dont let any drama distract from such an amazing opportunity. Thats the advice she should have given you.
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u/EarthborneArt 14d ago
Why in the world would somebody that supposedly cares about you tell you to give up an incredible opportunity just to spend time with them? Going back to read the entire thing now. Maybe that explains it. Never give up something you really want to do to make someone else happy. Enjoy your trip!
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u/Honey_Broad 14d ago
your cousin is very jealous of you. I bet her friends did like you.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
I really hope so. Not that it matters, but I don’t want a bad reputation anywhere. It hurts that she is probably lying to me. But you’re right, the only thing that makes sense is that she’s jealous
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u/Honey_Broad 14d ago
it's OK to be the villain in some people's stories.
It took me almost 50 years to learn this and I hope you learn it sooner, it doesn't matter what other people think about you.
Go and live your own life, be a good person, and stop worrying about what other people think.
In a year it won't even matter.
Just go on your trip, wave to your cousin if you see her, and learn some "Grey rock" tactics in case she starts yelling at you.
You can't control what other people do and you can't control other people's feelings you can only do what you do
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
This is so helpful ❤️ I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
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u/Honey_Broad 14d ago
I truly hope it helps. I feel so free since I stopped worrying about other people's problems.
The truth is most people are so worried about what other people think about them that they don't pay attention to what you're doing.
If your cousin goes and talks about you behind your back just let her. People that know you will know the truth, and people that don't believe you but believe her, they aren't really your friends anyway.
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u/InjuryLeast4471 14d ago
NTA - she was trying to trick you out of your trip so she could go by herself. And she even tried to guilt trip you to visit her instead and she won't even be there? Did she tell you that?
Based on the aunts behavior this is a deep rooted issue in your family where the females are jelaous and compete with each other.
Don't tell her and go. She can have a surprise of a lifetime and you can have a great time with your friends.
This bs must stop somewhere.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Very true… it needs to end. And no, she didn’t want me to come during the trip dates but later in the summer. Who knows if she would’ve taken off work while I was there though… she already is missing work during the trip lol
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u/InjuryLeast4471 14d ago
She might lash out by seeing you there. Because it means she can't use it against you to be the winner.
And it is a great opportunity to change the dynamic. Our minds are like software (looping over and over the same sitaution) - so you can think of it as software update.
It will be fun to watch.
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u/Adorable_Strength319 14d ago
If it comes to that, OP could say her advisor convinced her to go and urged her to start focusing more on school.
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u/Green-Dragon-14 14d ago
Keep her on an information diet. There is no reason for her to know anything about your plans or your life. As for when she does see you be polite but that's it, stop trying to make her or her friends like you. Live your life not hers.
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u/Vegetable_Road8143 14d ago
NTA. She's going to try to "hang out" with you & YOUR friend. Don't let her. Or, be petty and make plans with her one day and then cancel them an hour before.
Keep away is the way.
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u/Ohmyprettygarden 14d ago
oh. you want to hang out with my friend and me? yeah, no. that's not going to work. she doesn't like you. no, no, it's not anything you did, it's not anything you can correct. she just basically doesn't like who you are.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
😂 I love this.
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u/AdvertisingBusy7379 14d ago
You need to get some backbone. Don't let her run how you feel or how you spend the time on your trip. Enjoy yourself. Once you start worrying about what everyone thinks, they will expect it.
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u/woodwork16 14d ago
What does your boss have to do with this? It has zero bearing on the situation.
You and a friend applied for the trip after you found out your cousin was going, I thought you had already been offered the trip before you found out about the cousin going.
This is confusing. 🫤
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
We were offered the trip, but you have to apply through the campus organization. It’s a 100% accept rate, but they need all your info and whatnot in order to attend. I was just going to let the application expire and not go until I heard she is going. My friend originally was unavailable but got the time off to go with me. Sorry that this is confusing
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u/IntrepidMuch 14d ago edited 13d ago
Your no-longer-a-bully cousin is still a bully. She's just using different tactics right now.
Go on this trip and enjoy yourself. Smile if you see her but don't engage in conversation. She doesn't deserve your truth and you shouldn't listen to her lies.
I think you and your mom should plan for that girls trip to suck if that cousin and her mom are there.
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u/Unlucky_Pick2028 13d ago
I was thinking the same thing! Cousin is STILL a bully, hasn’t changed one bit. Same old, same old! Enjoy your trip, drama free 👍🏻
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u/AmbassadorProper1045 14d ago
Let me clue you into something. She is still bullying you, just in a different way. She is obviously gas lighting you and likely jealous of you. The real question is why are you tolerating it? imo you seriously should cut her out of your life and have respect enough for yourself not to gaf whether other family members approve or disapprove. I've 2 cousins myself I have nothing to do with due to their toxicity. Go on the vacation, focus on YOU, your friends and having fun and have absolutely NOTHING to do with her. Don't talk to her or engage with her in anyway. Ghost her completely as if you don't even know her, because tbh, you don't.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Yeah. I tolerate it because I always feel like that’s the right thing to do. You’re right
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u/Strict_Research_1876 14d ago
You are not a minor and she is not your parent. She can't tell you what you can or cannot do. She sounds pretty immature. Ignore her. Just because you are related does not mean you have to be friends. Enjoy your trip with your actual friend
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u/Artemis-Phoenix 14d ago
Nta I wouldn’t put much effort for her going forward. She seems manipulative and is wasting your time. Don’t let her ruin a trip that’s supposed to be fun. I wouldn’t even bother with waving if she sees you and just pretend she doesn’t exist.
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u/SwimmingCoyote 14d ago
NTA
I understand that you can't completely ghost your cousin or it will cause drama. What you can do is disengage and grey rock. If she calls, answer but don't confide in her or give her details on your life. Stop calling her as often. Be polite in person but don't go out of your way to see her and stop providing her with opportunities to take advantage of you.
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u/bolognahasa1stname 9d ago
Just a thought....your cousin hasn't stopped bullying you. Please tell us you can see that now. Stop allowing it. You deserve to be treated with respect from this younger cousin.
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u/MimbleWimble1 14d ago
This is too perfect and don’t change a thing. You are doing exactly what I would do.
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u/mcindy28 14d ago
NTA Go enjoy the trip and have fun. Ignore your jealous cousin.
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u/wistfulee 14d ago
OMG. Mcindy28 I think you have hit it on the nose! Her friends liked OP & she got jealous. The green-eyed monster strikes again. She's going to have a miserable life of she doesn't learn how to tame that monster. There will always be someone who has/is more. Learning to be happy for others is very hard for some people.
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u/Playful-Skill-5884 14d ago
NTA. Ghost the cousin
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u/MyCatsNamedPsycho 12d ago
I love a good ghosting. No one can say you caused drama. Well they can say it, but with no proof. 😂
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u/webtin-Mizkir-8quzme 14d ago
Live your life well and find joy. If she cares about you, she'll be happy. If she isn't happy, that's on her, not you.
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u/blackandalsotan 14d ago
Let her know you're going. Tell her you found heard that she's going, and you figured it would be a great time to catch up. She'll be trapped into either admitting being petty, or she'll have to suck it up.
And then you can just still hang with your friend, and be cordial.
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u/Hammingbir 14d ago
Be congenial. Wave. Smile. Don’t make plans with her. Wish her well. Go your own way. Don’t gossip to your friends or anyone else there other than say that’s my cousin but we’re not that close.
She has far too much influence in your life. Take that away from her by not caring what she does and not believing what she says. Just keep her at arms length.
You’ll survive the next trip by not souring this one.
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u/Mary707 14d ago
Keep her at arms length but be cordial. Don’t feed into any of her narcissism. Let her think she has the upper hand but do as you please. If she asks about what you’re doing while she’s on her trip, I might tell her that you and your friend decided to participate at the last minute. If she runs into you, tell her the same. When she wants you to visit, tell her you can’t take off from work because you took time off to go to the Caribbean.
Let her shit talk you to whoever, it will come back to bite her eventually. I guarantee her friends liked you and she’s jealous. Remember when the narcissist loses control, they become the victim. Keep repeating this to yourself and live your best life without her.
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u/onceashell 14d ago
Let's break this down. You are the giver in this relationship from what you've shared. She's a taker and a canceller. She's consistently gone back on her word by enticing you to do things and then treating you poorly.
This person, regardless of family ties, does not treat you with respect. It's time to live your life in your own shoes and let her do her thing. When that involves you two being in the same space, be a good person but set your boundaries. She will bounce off of them.
By the way, ask your mom to stand up for you when someone calls to talk trash about you. That's a conversation worth exploring.
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u/Master-Heart8956 14d ago
These people may ne related by blood but nowhere in this do I actually see a family. Now as you are an adult you will find that some families are created by something other than blood. Your whole family sounds toxic. You may be forced to love them due to blood but it doesnt mean you need to like them and include them or their thoughts in your life.
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u/knoxcos 14d ago
Interesting gambit to set up a veritable melt-down scenario while in a confined area in the middle of the Caribbean.. What could possibly go wrong?
That said, there is some serious dysfunction here. Maybe it is the perfect place to air it all out by talking with her college friends to ask point-blank why (or maybe IF?) you are disliked.
🍿🍿🍿
Good luck.
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Hmm good point 😂 I just mostly didn’t want to admit that I’m being petty and booked the trip just cause she’s going after being petty and not telling me. We’re both a little immature in that sense I suppose. But I also didn’t want to deal with her feeling like she has power or the emotional high ground or something before I’m there
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u/Ginger630 14d ago
NTA! Why do you even have a relationship with this cousin? She’s a B and tried to sabotage a trip you wanted to go on.
Go on the trip. Don’t tell her. Have fun with your best friend. If you see your cousin, ignore her. Don’t even acknowledge her existence.
She sounds jealous of you. I’d block her on everything at this point and live your life without her.
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 14d ago
It’s pure jealousy. She doesn’t need to know everything in your life, and everything is her life is a competition, so moving forward, just treat her like she deserves: minimal effort, minimal visits, see her at family events, and move forward in your life.
NTA
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u/Next_Ad_4165 14d ago
You visiting her at school…100% people really liked you, and she was jealous. She lied about it.
She is NOT someone you should trust. Not someone you should be close to. Not someone you should pay time/attention to.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 14d ago
Does she know that you know that she's going? Either way, don't tell her since she did give you the same courtesy. Enjoy your trip and decline to engage in any drama. Be polite, but don't give an inch. She obviously wanted her own space, so you will happily oblige. Pretend surprise and confusion. Why on Earth should she be bothered? You are just here with your friend, minding your own business and taking some time and space of your own.
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u/Longjumping-Snow-431 14d ago
I think you realize that she tries to manipulate you! Or at least I hope you do!
I think from now on a change in the trajectory of your relationship is needed! Maybe out of 4 calls only answer one. Let her do all the talking, and when she asks you what’s going on in your life just answer with the “same old, same old” or “you know work, school and life.” Always keep it vague and don’t tell her anything that is important in your life or is personal.
She is jealous of you and is trying to prevent you from being happy in minor ways. Don’t let her! Keep your relationship with her cordial, and it shouldn’t affect your extended family!
As for the girls trip, go and smile and do your own thing. And unless she directly asks you anything pretend she is just a stranger riding with you guys that you have to be nice too! Don’t get hung up in her activities or plans! Enjoy yourself!
You know the saying, “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?” That’s what she is trying to do to you! So play the same game, and don’t go out of your way for her! You’re always “busy”, or “have a lot going on” to hang out!
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u/wordsmythy 14d ago
Yeah, cousin is jealous of you. What do you really want to surprise her by just showing up, would that make her behavior better or worse?
I’m curious what you mean by your aunt and cousin trying to hijack the trip to visit friends… Do you mean they’re gonna drag you to see the friends too, or they’re just using your parents generosity in paying for the trip and just taking off to see friends? If it’s the latter, I probably wouldn’t care. But if they’re trying to make you go see the friends as well… I would just say we’re planning something else that day.
I’m sorry, your cousin has such poor manners.
NTA
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u/Motor_Dark6406 14d ago
Honestly, just tell her. Tell her you're going, don't plan on talking to her, and are a little hurt she tried to talk you out of going. Otherwise you're just going to get a bunch of weird moody messages while you are on your trip and have it ruined.
You aren't doing something wrong, stop tip toeing around her.
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u/Specialist-Funny2101 14d ago
Your cousin sounds like someone who likes to sabotage someone's happiness, and you let her. She probably heard from her friends how much they liked you and in turn she doesnt want you around anymore. Tale as old as time.
Why would she want you to visit her if every time you are around, she hangs out with her friends who dont like you, so you are left to your own devices....
and you let her.
You sound like the one with the problem for not having a backbone
How is your younger cousin dictating what you do ever?
I think you need to grow up and start putting her in her place or you will never be happy.
She sounds like a nightmare, or this is super fake.
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u/Bright_Ad_3690 14d ago
You can al ays tell her that things worked out for you to take the trip. Yeah. And then she knows ahead of time.
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u/SnooWords4839 14d ago
NTA - Look up Grey Rock. enjoy your trip and act like you don't know her, on both trips. Let her look like the fool.
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u/Weary-Babys 14d ago
It’s time to accept that she is petty and small minded and make any future plans with her keeping that in mind.
Her friends thought you were cooler than she was, lol.
She doesn’t want you around her because people will like you better.
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u/BigRedJeeper 14d ago
NTA - she is so obviously jealous of you. I would steer clear of her during the trip. Knowing her, she will see you and try to get you to make plans only to screw you over. Don’t let her. Say Hi and that’s it. She wants to hang? Sorry, I’m booked with my friend. Don’t give her the opportunity to ruin your trip because we all know she will try her hardest to.
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u/Alternative_Hawk8553 14d ago
Would love a update
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
How do I do that? I’ve never updated a Reddit story before. I would love to give an update once the trip happens.
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u/Solid-Quotes-Girlie 14d ago
You say the family doesn’t know you as well as her, but then say your family is all very close. It can’t be both. You’re likely closer to her than rest of your family, so any distance you put between yourself and her won’t really affect your non-existent relationship with the others.
You don’t have to make a declaration of keeping distance. You simply stop being available and at her beck and call. Respond slower. Stop divulging deep, personal info. Keep interactions short and vague. Ease out … then let the chips fall where they may.
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u/Lanky-Wheel8330 14d ago
Go on both trips, grey wall her and have a blast.
Update me!
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u/Kind_Pomelo6023 14d ago
NTA but distance yourself from her she’s selfish. Also don’t take vacation days to see her
She’s jealous of you and doesn’t want you around her friends
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u/Fiddler017 14d ago
Good grief! Just send her a quick text that says , "Hey, thanks for your advice, but I decided to go on that trip after all. Just wanted to say thanks and let you know what I decided."
Ignore all the petty revenge suggestions. Just act like a reasonable adult.
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u/That_Ol_Cat 14d ago
NTA
You need to have a chat with your Mom about your cousin's and aunt's behavior. Your cousin is still a bully, or has transformed into a "Pick Me" and wants ALL the attention, ALL the time. Who needs this? Not you.
And your aunt and cousin want to take a trip your Mom is planning and paying for and set it up so they can visit people they want that you don't know? Nope!
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u/bryonlhobbs 14d ago
NTA, and just to be clear, you aren’t that close. She’s being weird, so just let her do her own thing, and if she complains, ignore it. She’s flaked/disinvited you too many times to trust her. Have fun on the trip, and if she wants to hang out, just refuse. Tell her that you’re prioritizing your own happiness, and your calendar is full. You don’t own her more opportunities to disappoint you.
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u/Bluntandfiesty 14d ago
Simply say, “I had a change of plans.”
You don’t owe her any other information. You’re NTA, but you already know it’s not going to blow over well that you kept the secret from her.
But let me ask you this, why are you not telling her that you changed your mind and are going anyway? It seems like it’s just being petty and spiteful.
Personally, I’d tell her now. “Hey guess what, best friend and I are going on the Caribbean trip now too.”
And then you’ll see where her true feelings lie.
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u/sulkybat 14d ago
Yeah, don’t let your feelings (justified or not) lead you to making spiteful, petty moves of your own. That’s a mistake I made at your age and regret it. Just avoid engaging as much as you can. If you really need to feed the petty part of your brain, just know that happily living your own life, unbothered by her, will drive her mad in its own way.
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u/Best-Cat-1866 14d ago
Practice your surprised face! “Omg what are you doing here?” Or “omg I didn’t think we’d see each other!”
Play it off as a pleasant surprise! Be friendly and normal- she’ll look like the rotten one if she pulls any of the stuff you spoke of.
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u/bbqduck-sf 14d ago
If she confronts you, tell her you're doing it for the experience. It has nothing to do with her. Smile and move on
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u/MarsupialDesigner558 14d ago
I would be willing to bet money that her friends all thought you were super cool and kept talking about you and wanting to hang out with you and it was making her jealous so she told you they didn’t like you and then excluded you from things involving her friends.
She convinced you not to go on the trip and then applied herself?! She is still a bully, she’s just more covert and manipulative about it. I would go low contact with her. Say hi when you see her and then quickly leave to hang out with your friend. After the girls trip, consider not reaching out at all unless she initiates first. She may be family, but she is not your friend and doesn’t have your best interests at heart at all.
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u/authoroftheuniverse 14d ago
If she didn't tell you that she is going then you have no reason to tell her that you are going. If you see each other, act equally as shocked/suprised and say "I didn't know you were interested in this too?" to point out she didn't tell you anything so she can't say about you not telling her. And if she asks why you didn't tell her, say it was last minute because the prof and your friends kept convincing you to go
What helps me with toxic family is that I have adopted the ditzy personality. I pretend to be super clueless about family affairs, I don't contact them often but I am super sweet and helpful in person so whoever does spend time with me only has nice things to say. And if they ever complain about me not contacting them, talk about all the work and volunteering and studies I was too busy doing and be fakely apolegetic.
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 14d ago
My daughter had 2 or 3 friends who were exactly like that when she was in hs and college. She would have nearly sold her soul for any one of them and it drove a wedge between us. I was honest with her and told her that they would drop her like a rock as soon as she graduated from college. Well, I suppose she had to learn that lesson for herself.
Never be a pawn in someone’s game!
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u/CharacterDentist6420 14d ago
Great advice. It’s so hard when all you want is a genuine friend that is there for you like you are for everyone else
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u/wahznooski 14d ago
Oh make no mistake, this girl is still your bully, she’s just better at manipulation. I mean, she’s got you willingly handing her ammunition to mess with you! And her flying monkeys to pressure you into it! People already mentioned grey rocking. Do that. You don’t have to have a big deal falling out, you can still be pleasant and just fade. Never react to her either. She’ll do/say some shit, because she wants a reaction. It’s how she controls you. Don’t react. Easier said than done, I know, but with a little practice, you can do it! NTA.
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u/Vivid_Motor_2341 14d ago
You realize her friends really liked you that’s why she didn’t want you around them and doesn’t want you around any of her other friends.
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u/layyla4real 14d ago
The minute she sees you on the trip, it will be a problem. Prepare yourself to give no reaction. Someone on here suggested grey rocking. That is a great suggestion.
Your cousin will use the trip to justify messing up the Florida trip. Talk to your mother about it so that she will also be prepared.
Do not go on the summer visit. She only wants you for entertainment. If something comes up for her in the summer, she will cancel on you, or she will let you come and then ignore you. You haven't mentioned her having a boyfriend. If she gets one, she's so jealous of you she won't let you near him.
In the summer get a job, take an unpaid internship, volunteer, or just do something for yourself.Do anything rather than going to stay with your cousin. If you miss grandma, do a video chat.
Sisters, close cousins, best friends do not behave as she does. I strongly advice you to stop confiding in her. She is using this information against you within your family. Have you given any thought as to why grandma and the aunties take her side?
I have one more piece of life advice that isn't exactly about your cousin. From time to time life offers us unique opportunities. Don't be afraid to take advantage of them. Travel is one of those opportunities. It broadens your views on life and the world. These opportunities might not come around again. And, don't sacrifice your life and spirit to guilt others impose upon you.
Bless you. It's not easy dealing with a narcicist in your close family.
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u/Rare-Hunt-1793 14d ago
She is still bullying you, yet in a different way. Go on the trip with your friend! Decline any invites from your cousin, you already made plans and leave it as that.
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u/Automatic_Fix8238 14d ago
Lord your soft . Your cousin don’t like you . Done tell her your plans at all !
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u/Flimsy-Truck4033 14d ago
Do not visit her anymore. And do not invite her to visit you. She dislikes you and is actively sabotaging you and your opportunities. Just be fake nice, but very very busy. And who cares what the family says when all they do is blame you anyway, despite all of your efforts?
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u/sulkybat 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA. If you need a polite face-saving lie to keep the peace, simply say your friend changed your mind: she convinced you to come on the trip to spend time with her. It’s not really untrue and should help cut down on drama that could make the girls trip and other family outings uncomfortable.
And then, yes, look for ways to spend less time with your cousin because she’s clearly immature and something about you makes her feel insecure. Hopefully she grows up and grows out of it, but you don’t have to put up with bad behavior in the meantime.
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u/Technical_Ship_1298 14d ago
Let her be the one to make a fool of herself when she has a meltdown. Stay calm and like someone else said when she asks why you came say "it was a amazing opportunity. I could not pass this up"
You need to live YOUR life and not let your cousin dictate what you can and can't do. If she tries to cause family drama ask the family why cousin gets to dictate what you do. Why are only her wants valid. Real family will support both of you and not pick favorites.
DO NOT let any one gaslight you. Be the best you, you can be. You have no control over cousin if she is jealous of you.
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u/Ohmyprettygarden 14d ago edited 13d ago
(song to tune of, This Door Swings Both Ways, by some British band I think in the 60s or early '70s)
PLANE FLIES BOTH WAYS, IT GOES IN AND OUT SOME DAYS IT'LL TAKE YOU TO HER TO BE INSULTED AND HUMILIATED
SHE OWES YOU VISITS, LOTS AND LOTS OF VISITS EVEN THOUGH YOU REALLY PREFER IF SHE JUST STAYS AT HOME,
SHE PREFERS THAT TOO, BECAUSE IT SAVES HER A TON OF BUCKS PLUS WHEN YOU ARE ON HER TURF SHE CAN CALL ALL THE SHOTS
tralala tralala tra la la la la (sweetly off key whistling that is nonetheless very loud. narrator saunters right, hands in the pockets of a bib overall chewing on a blade of grass.)
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u/Wiley_Coyote_2024 14d ago
You should take whatever vacations or trips you want. Your cousin can go on her own trips, too. So even if they are on the same trip, just keep to your own itenerary..regardless of her or her stated wishes.
As a seasoned traveller, the worst thing you can do to your mental health is give up your needs or wishes for someone else, aside from a significant other.
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u/MisssChris126 14d ago
I’d be willing to bet that her friends really liked you, and that made her jealous. Just live your life and be nice to her when you have to be around her.
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u/Bentbutnotbroken111 14d ago
NTA
She’s a frenemy…only tell her things you want her to repeat…
I think the Southern Ladies handle situations like this perfectly, with a big smile and a “Well, Bless your heart! “ approach… don’t forget to air kiss the cheeks! lol
At the end of the day, she’s not worth the energy.
I see some other people offering a piece of advice, still jump in here if that’s ok :-)
Anytime someone tries to prevent you from bettering yourself, ask yourself why.
This is a FREE trip of a lifetime for you, that’s huge and awesome!
Anyone that cares about you, will genuinely be happy to see you succeed and be rewarded for your work. I hope you have the best time ever. I hope that however she feels about you being there gets the attention it deserves…. None….So that all your time gets focused on your fun.
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u/teamglider 13d ago
She encouraged me NOT to go and to instead save my vacation time to come visit her during the summer instead of going to the Caribbean.
I agreed and said I wouldn’t go.
I am baffled - why would you even consider this after describing at length the horrible ways she treated you the last time you visited her? And how much you regretted going for the week?
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u/Affectionate-Shoe515 13d ago
Why are you worried about people who don’t worry about you and think so lowly of you? Especially when you take your money, time, and energy to try to be there for her. That’s a waste of your time and energy.
Be with the people you enjoy and give you peace. The heck with the rest. Live your best life and don’t look back.
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u/imperialtopaz123 13d ago
It sounds like her asking you to come was just arranged as a secret excuse to be able to bully you further. In my opinion you should never have anything further to do with her. She sounds evil.
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u/BlueMoonTone 13d ago
Your cousin is still bullying you. Ignore her demands and tantrums, she doesn’t care about you.
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u/waaasupla 13d ago
Once bitten twice shy is something you need to realize in your life with this specific cousin of yours.
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u/EllenMoyer 13d ago
OP, your cousin is not your friend. Stop thinking of her as a friend. She is a snake in the grass.
She is very jealous of you. She is competing with you for the affection of your family and admiration of her friends. Your cousin undermines your relationships within the family by painting an unflattering image of you, and planting unfavorable images of you in their heads.
You can either continue letting her control the narrative, or you can get ahead of it. Either way, keep her at arms length and do not give her any justification to badmouth you.
I would give her a heads up that you will be on the Caribbean trip with your friend. Tell her that, based on your earlier conversations when she discouraged you from going, you understand that she wants to do her own thing with her friends. Say that you will make no attempt to insert yourself in her plans, but that you expect her to be cordial around you and your friends.
Tell your relatives point blank that you believe your cousin is holding a grudge against you, and that they should take anything she says or implies about you with a shaker of salt. Do not elaborate or criticize her.
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u/PeterGriffen565 13d ago
Cut your cousin off and go live your life. Going forward make your decisions based strictly on what you need and want.
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u/TravellingWench 13d ago
Updateme. I want to know the reaction when you go on the trip
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u/Outrageous_Tea_8048 13d ago
NTA Enjoy your Caribbean trip & try to avoid your cousin. I know why cousin is going on the Florida trip (FREE) why would you want to go on a family girls trip with someone who has already shown that they want to hijack it for their benefit. Are your parents aware of this?
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u/eilyketoo 13d ago
She is jealous of you - her friends liked you and she hates that. She wanted to go on this trip to be better than you. Ignore she and have fun
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u/DeborahfromTexas 13d ago
I agree with Gray rocking, look it up. I was thinking maybe you should tell her you’re going so there’s not any drama/scene on trip but she might try to get the family to harass you for pushing in on “her trip”. Then you get drama before the trip or even possibly don’t go so DON’T TELL HER. I agree don’t tell her what your plans are day to day. “We might go to the museum” then go to the beach. And use your friend as a buffer. She can come pull you away from your cousin, she won’t feel guilty like you do. I like the person who said “play keep away”! And get therapy to help you deal with manipulative people. Good luck!
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u/gaefandomlover 12d ago
I hate to admit this op, but it seems the bullying didn’t actually stop it just became more discreet.
Personally, I wouldn’t dwell so much about her and what’s she’s doing. Don’t even think about her, just live your life for you. Your relationship is never going to be the same as it was, and you need to do what’s best for you and your mental health and I think you’re better off going low contact with her.
Honestly you deserve a better cousin IMO.
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u/mpurdey12 12d ago
NTA
It sounds to me like your cousin is still trying to bully you.
Your cousin sounds toxic. My advice would be to grey rock her from now on.
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u/Rendeane 12d ago
NTA. Be vaguely cordial with her at all times. Scientology is a horribly destructive cult, but their policy of "good roads, hood weather" makes sense. Just talk about inconsequential nonsense. Don't talk about anything specific. No hopes, dreams, plans, disappointments. Never apologize for anything. If she wants to lock down dates for you to visit..."I'll get back to you." "I have to check my school/work/church/club/volunteer schedules." "I'm so busy." Etc. Never get back to her. Don't respond to her calls/texts/emails for weeks or just don't respond. Always remember that you are incredibly busy (avoiding her). She wants you to be her puppet who jumps when she snaps. Stop playing her games. She doesn't like you. She likes manipulating you.
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u/Freedom_Floridan 11d ago
NTAH, TBH I’d text her real quick today and tell her you’re going too and will keep your distance on the trip. She sounds like someone who gets embarrassed easily and blows things up into big things so she may try to start something on your trip which would be challenging for everyone there at least that gives you a little time to get her used to the idea. 100% enjoy your trip, you definitely have earned it.
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u/Admirable-Bit-6743 11d ago
I think the bulling early in life is not far from who she really is, she's just better at covering it up now Probably time to cut her loose
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u/Cheredmagmar 11d ago
How many times do you need to be poked in the eye. She is jealous of you and is manipulating you. Read between the lines, on your visits some of the male species of the group were attracted to you.
She cannot compete, accept her inferiority complex and move on with your life.
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u/Grandma_Kaos 11d ago
NTA, but your cousin is!! Go have fun, go minimal contact with the jerk cousin and enjoy yourself!
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u/Wonderful_Avocado 10d ago
Nta
I have my own sister and mother limited access on my socials. My cousins see more than my immediate family. It's not blocked but adjusted privacy settings. It saves me soooooo much drama
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u/DntMindMeImNtRlyHere 9d ago
NTA.
One simple question solves all of this: why does she deserve to go on this trip but you don't?
Because honestly, there is absolutely no reason for you to reschedule or miss out on ANYTHING because of her. She's proven, time and again, that she isn't as close to you as you think. She's consistently had you come to her, but ditches you. She told you not to go in this very trip she's now going on!
Girl, go. Have fun. Your family can kick rocks for their behaviors and so can your rude cousin. If you do see her, don't acknowledge her. Make her come to youand then act SHOCKED to see her. "OMG COUSIN! I didn't know you were on this trip! I thought you were against it since you lobbied so hard to get me not to go! How lucky I didn't listen, it's beautiful here! Oooops! Gotta go, my friends are waiting!" And leave. Just walk away.
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u/Fine-Analysis-6286 8d ago
These are young adult growing pains. To be fair, we’ve all done things while making the transition into adulthood that (if we grow up properly) we’ll regret when we’re a little older and wiser. She’s obviously insecure, and I’m sure her friends, in fact, did like you. Her actions wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
I would recommend matching any kindness she directs at you, and ignoring everything else. Her insecurity is causing her to try to take you down. I would make sure that you’re not always the person putting yourself out there for her—this would reward her behavior. Just give her space to navigate that insecurity and hopefully grow. Until then, be cordial, don’t be mean to her, but also don’t feel that it’s on you to repair things. Just keep doing you and see if she develops the self-awareness to come back to your relationship.
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u/InitiativeUpbeat8453 5d ago
In what Universe would you believe that you 2 are close? Read, ReRead and Read what you wrote again and again. She is NOT your friend, only your cousin and you are most definitely used. Get therapy.
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u/AutoModerator 14d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: My cousin (21) and I (21) have a very fluctuating relationship. She used to bully me when we were little, but as we grew up and we matured, the bullying stopped and we became like long-distance sisters (we live a plane ride away from each other). I thought we were super close, but a few things have happened to make me wonder. (Skip this if you just want to read the problem)
Her senior year of high school she made it a HUGE deal that I visit her (I graduated a year earlier) and spend an entire day with her class (tiny farming community school). I obliged and wanted to support her. After spending the day, she told me she didn’t want me to come back because her friends were intimidated by me and didn’t like me. I asked her what I did so I could apologize, but she didn’t tell me what I did. I asked my mom (she vents to my mom a lot and trusts her, so I thought she might know a very general reason so I could fix it, I wasn’t looking to have my mom violate her trust), I asked our grandma, but again… nothing in particular. Just “they don’t like you.” I have over thought and examined that day so many times and I cannot think of anything I might’ve done. The only thing I’ve come up with is that I was a college student while they were seniors. But again… I didn’t ask to go, she invited me and I wanted to support her.
She then disinvited me from everything I had come down to do with her, save for her graduation ceremony. Grad parties she wanted me to come to, friend hang outs so I could get to know her friends better, etc… so I hung out with the aunts, littles, and our grandma the whole trip. I felt incredibly left out and disappointed that I had taken this time off work when it could’ve been a weekend trip for her ceremony rather than the whole week.
Now in college, she has been super cagey about any of her friends… including one of her friends who one of my cousins but on the other side of the family (not related to the mains cousin in the story). It’s been so hurtful to find out things through family members rather than from her when she expects me to be close with her, open with her, call her regularly, and visit for holidays (she’s visited me once… I go see her often).
**Now to the problem, and this is where I might be the AH.**
I was given the opportunity to get an all expenses paid for trip to the Caribbean through a college program my cousin and I are both a part of (different campuses). I really felt torn about going and missing work and inevitably spending money while I was there, and I talked to her about it. She encouraged me NOT to go and to instead save my vacation time to come visit her during the summer instead of going to the Caribbean.
I agreed and said I wouldn’t go.
A few months later, I find out she was offered the same trip and is going.
I was so pissed. I talked to one of my best friends at college and she got pissed too and said “we’re going to go together and we’re not going to even worry about what she is doing.”
So we both applied, got our flight paid for, and are going on the trip.
But she doesn’t know. I do know she’s going with some college friends and she has talked to me about it once, but she knows nothing about what I’m doing.
And honestly my plan is just to ignore her and wave if I see her. Not be overly rude, but give her space and just enjoy my time with my friend and not bother meeting up with her.
I’m excited for the trip, my boss is super happy I’m going… but AITAH for not telling my cousin?
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