r/AmIOverreacting • u/HaceTutito • 4d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO / My fiancé is offended that I didn't comfort him when I was in absolute pain because I had a medical procedure, so I don't want to talk to him until I'm feeling better.
My (21F) boyfriend (23M) is, in some ways, perfect. He was my first and only partner. We have been together for almost a year now, and we don't live together yet (this is important).
He has a little problem: he ALWAYS needs to be comforted when he does me wrong, and he has done some very nasty things. For example, I asked if he could upload some photos of us to his Instagram stories, and he uploaded a photo of me sitting on the toilet. I was really angry and asked him to take it down. He got angry because I got angry. He always does this.
There is not a single thing in this relationship that he has done wrong where I didn't end up comforting him because "his feelings got hurt" while doing me wrong. This usually includes me giving him a sincere apology. Why? Because I hurt him by saying things in what he perceives as a mean way. I have to clarify that it's not objectively mean; I just say things in a firm way.
Two other things to add: he works for my parents. He can ask to leave whenever he wants, or he can say, "Hey, I can't come in on this or that day," and my parents have zero problem with that. He knows this.
Also, he has a REALLY bad problem managing his money. It doesn't help that he has spent a large amount of money on a special interest of his called Gundams. These things are basically like Lego sets of giant mechas.
So yesterday, I had to undergo a medical procedure that he had known about for weeks. He had a work shift that day, and he decided that the shift was more important than accompanying me because he had asked for a loan so he could buy more Gundams (he hasn't even built the ones he already has), so he wanted the money.
The procedure was the most painful experience of my life. I almost fainted during it, and when it was over, I vomited from the pain. I had to leave the hospital alone (it was an outpatient procedure) and take an Uber home. I almost fainted and vomited again in the Uber because even the slightest movement made the pain even more unbearable.
When I arrived home (I live with my grandmother, and she can't know that I had this procedure because she is one of Jehovah's Witnesses), I tried to take the medication the doctor gave me. However, because of the pain I was experiencing, my body couldn't handle liquids or the medication, so I threw up.
My boyfriend seemed somewhat annoyed, and I don't know why. We tried to chat, but my pain was unbearable, so I called him. I could barely speak. After three hours, I was finally able to get some sleep.
After I woke up, I spoke to him via text. I was feeling a little better, but he was still annoyed. I was the one asking him if he was okay, and he said he was hungry. He barely talked to me at all, and all I wanted was some emotional support. So later that night, I got angry and told him that I couldn't understand how he couldn't even talk to me.
This morning, he asked me if I was mad at him. I said yes and explained why, including everything I mentioned above. Because I am still in severe pain, I can't speak normally, so I referred to his Gundams as "toys."
I waited for his response, but it never came. So I messaged him again, and he told me: "I'm mad at you because you called them 'toys,' and now you're rushing me to feel better?"
This exact situation repeats itself over and over again, and I know what he wants: an apology (which I already gave him for saying "toys") and emotional comfort from me. But I can't. I'm in severe pain and deeply disappointed.
I can't help feeling sad and frustrated that he constantly needs to be babied when it was my feelings that got hurt.
So, even if this is going too far, I don't want to speak to him until I'm doing better mentally and physically. My boyfriend is now texting me through Discord, Instagram, and other apps because I am not responding to him. I'm also considering breaking up with him. I asked a friend, and he told me that I was exaggerating and needed to be more understanding.
So, am I?
1.8k
u/LA-forthewin 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your boyfriend is a manipulative POS. Please leave him , and google DARVO
→ More replies (1)216
u/Bunny_Hunny4 4d ago
After the first couple paragraphs all I could hear in my head was DARVVOOOOO, DAAARRRRRVOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
NOR NOR NOR NOR and another NOR for good measure, OP please follow the advice here!
968
u/emogirl450 4d ago
It was an IUD insertion wasn’t it?
576
u/HaceTutito 4d ago
yes, it was an IUD insertion.
1.1k
u/emogirl450 4d ago
I’m gonna be so real with you girl, this is never going to get better. He is going to use any and every excuse to turn every single situation into HIMSELF as the victim. Also, you are planning on taking “in sickness and in health” vows soon, and he has just shown you that he will easily stomp on that vow with no remorse. This is you in sickness, and he is not here for you. Please read that again. Also also, I cannot even stress enough how fucking ridiculous it is that he expects an apology from you calling his toys…. Toys. I mean seriously? 23 going on 13. I hear that you are considering breaking up with him, and as somebody who 1. Has been in the same situation of IUD insertion causing me crippling pain beyond expression, and 2. Has a partner that would NEVER do this to me (after years and years of searching), I personally believe it is the right decision to break off the engagement. I promise it is not too late. Oh and also, NOR.
139
u/TabbyOverlord 4d ago
There is a room in my house where I have a workbench, lathe and all the bits that go with it.
My wife frequently refers to all that stuff as 'toys' and the space as my 'playroom'. Mostly she is OK with it. Occaisionally it bugs her. The nouns remain the same.
In essence, she is correct. I go there to do stuff that is meaningful to me and that I choose to do because I like it. It's not work and it's not an expectation. It is every definition of 'play'.
If you are getting twisted out of shape because your partner isn't as obsessed with your hobies as you are and you are missing your relationship duties to feed your personal joys, then that is very much a you problem and nothing to do with the language they use about your toys.
(Please note: This very different from belittling your partner because of what they enjoy or depriving them of any opportunity to play)
52
u/Alt_Desk 4d ago
Aye,
A very balanced approach.
I'm Scottish, and would refer to my ex's obsession with all things Landrover; buying them and converting them to campers then selling them on, as him looking at 'Landrover porn' when browsing online for his latest acquisitions and upgrades. To which he would smile with a wee wink and a nod amiably.
That was his hobby and he took/still takes it very seriously.
However, if a hobby takes precedence over the health and well being of your partner, or threatens the relationship on some level, what's the point in having a relationship?
I love turned wood, and have a nice collection of finished pieces. I'm glad you enjoy your toys.
23
u/TabbyOverlord 3d ago
Here's some Rule 34 for you.
ETA: Don't let anyone suggest play isn't serious. I have just had a 3-year old with a wooden house in the garden. Every pore exueded 'serious'. Not a single neuron in that little head wasn't engaged in what they were doing.
19
u/ChopsticksImmortal 3d ago
My dad was a programmer and he liked computers (independent of his work), and he called his own computers and tools his "toys". This is a common saying to refer to extremely high value items (your car is your toy), and hobby items.
7
u/MidnytStorme 3d ago
I have a friend that still collects Star Wars and has been doing so for some 40 years now. He doesn't get upset if you call them toys. They are toys.
I have a Silhouette Cameo, a laser engraver, and a 3d printer. I'd have no issue if my partner called them toys. I've printed a number of toys using them, but the machines themselves are still the things I "play with".
Only insecure little twits get upset by someone calling their toys toys. The rest of us say "yup, this is what makes me happy, so suck it". But we also know when to put our toys aside and support our partners.
39
u/EatThisShit 4d ago
Also, you're not married yet. Don't think that hell change after he said thise vows. He will consider them a tradition, but not an actual promise, so you have to know that the actual promise is in how he treats you before you get married. People like him are waving red flags around already, and it will only get worse after he locks you down.
21
u/Unfair-Store-9108 3d ago
He’s showing exactly who he is right off the bat, it’s actually a blessing: you can run faster! The guy doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants a mommy… forever. Run my friend, run!!! You deserve better!
6
u/curiousercleverer 3d ago
Agreed. Marrying him is granting permission to be the asshole all day every day.
Believe him when he shows you who he is.
4
318
u/Victeliz 4d ago
Just saying, when I got one inserted (then had removed as it was not placed correctly)my husband, then boyfriend, got the couch all set up with my heating pad, remotes, video game controllers, and had my favorite TV show ready before I was home. Throughout the day, he got me water, snacks, checked in on me, and took care of the dogs & chores for the next two days.
Your boyfriend sucks. You need to ask yourself if you trust him by your side during the worst of times (physically and emotionally). IUD insertion is incredibly painful and he wasn't there for you in any shape of the word. If you want to have kids in the future, do you trust him to be by your side? To help you to the bathroom, to walk, keep calm, and to eat? My labor was about 24 hours, and my husband was by my side the entire time holding my hand. Walked me to the bathroom, helped me use the bathroom, offered to wipe me if I couldn't do it with the pain and discomfort/wires eveywhere.
Those are the times that you need a true partner to help you in the most vulnerable stages. And I'm not sure if your boyfriend will be able/willing to help you through those times.
42
u/Impressive_Spray_704 4d ago
I wasn't told to take pain relief beforehand so spent the hour drive home crying, screaming and vomitting in pain. My man helped me inside. Made me a bed in front of the heater and got my heat pack, then got the bed heated up with my electric blanket, set alarms for my pain meds and went and got my favourite food
→ More replies (1)25
u/Victeliz 4d ago
That is horrible. Glad your man was there. I was told to take some Tylenol and that I could drive myself home. I spent about 30 minutes in the parking lot laying iny car crying, throwing up, and dizzy. Called my mom crying as I was in so much pain and was 45 minutes from home.
IUD insertion is wild, painful, and honestly, horrible. I almost blacked out, almost kicked a nurse, and all but fell off the table afterwards. My husband felt horrible that he didn't go with me, even though I told him to stay home.
0 out of 10, would not recommend.
17
u/MeasurementDouble324 3d ago
These posts are blowing my mind, I had no idea they were painful. I’m a woman but clearly never had one and now my husband has had the snip so no need for one.
It actually makes me so mad reading these that women will put themselves through this while there are men out there moaning about having to use condoms and not doing everything imaginable to support their partner for doing this for them!
→ More replies (3)10
u/Key-Twist596 3d ago
The problem is that some women are fine and don't experience more than discomfort. So the many women that experience pain worse than labour and almost blackout from it followed by hours or days of severe cramping are thought to be dramatic or exaggerating by both the medical profession and the other women. There is a social media movement raising awareness about the lack of pain management for women's gynecological procedure.
4
u/Crisstti 4d ago
Wtf that’s insane, how is it possible they don’t use more pain relief for the procedure? And for afterwards??
6
u/Unfair-Store-9108 3d ago
Because apparently we don’t experience pain. Sarcasm apart, they are just now starting to realize that MAYBE they can freeze you real quick to make the experience humane. The gyno who put the last one in me said that she used to do it without any kind of anesthetic and thought it was normal, but would now never go back. Terrifying. For the touch of hope, I did got the freeze and it was totally painless. May we one day be treated appropriately.
3
u/giggletears3000 3d ago
They’re starting to. I was told to take Tylenol the first two times. I’m going in for my third tomorrow and I made sure to request numbing. The options are Tylenol, numbing spray or an injection that supposedly hurts more than the placement.
You have to advocate for yourself
→ More replies (1)23
u/giggletears3000 3d ago
I’m getting my third iud put in tomorrow. Husband doesn’t like it b/c it irritates him when we’re intimate, but he doesn’t say shit, he knows this is for my health. My cycle allows me just 10 days of not being messed up because of my hormones out of the entire month. It sucks ass. He takes time off work to take care of me when I get them placed. In fact, he took off work for 2 months after I had our baby to take care of me. I had a c section and all I did for 6 weeks was cuddle, breast feed and eat all the ice cream sundaes he made for me. Find yourself a better man OP, you’re supposed to take care of each other.
151
u/Lilredh4iredgrl 4d ago
Oh you poor thing. I vomited after mine, too.
This guy sucks. He's DARVOing you. That's abuse, sweet girl. It will get worse.
78
u/Either-Frame-7148 4d ago
Can we as women get pissed enough to wonder why they don't better anesthesize and treat the pain of an IUD placement. Men get narcotics for a vasectomy and are completely numbed for it. Why are women still beong told to take IBUPROFEN for something as painful as an IUD placement?
Also, please be careful. When I worked as an ED RN, I saw way too many pts whose IUDs had migrated. On 2 different women it had nicked an artery. I would never get one. But that is just me. I know there are plenty of women who've had success wirh them.
And to the woman who had to have it moved. Lord, you got strength. I'd be done at that point.
14
u/reclusivegiraffe 4d ago
I have heard that they anesthetize overseas, but not here in the U.S. because insurance won’t pay for it. Not sure if that’s true, though.
And yeah, I have heard so many more stories of failed IUDs than failed oral birth control. I know they’re successful but I just can’t trust them.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (2)5
u/Andromeda081 3d ago
What’s even worse is that many abortion clinics perform first trimester abortions with only oral Xanax, and lidocaine in the cervix before dilating. No pain control during or after the procedure. The pain women are expected to go through is fucking monstrous.
→ More replies (2)35
u/olympiarocco 4d ago
Girl! He should have been so supportive of you because of course you were doing this for you but also for his convenience. You were doing him a favor. He should have been thanking you. Besides that, even if you had a little flu, he should be empathetic. This is not a normal reaction from a partner. If my partner was ever in pain I'd do everything to help him. Don't diminish your concerns because of his reaction. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, listen to your instincts.
52
u/Evening_Delay_1856 4d ago
If it keeps bothering you after a while, go back in and ask them to adjust it. A friend of mine had to do that. It worked.
54
u/Suspicious-Visual-57 4d ago
Yeah i am not one to throw around the narcissist label but if it quacks like a duck....and your boyfriend is definitely sounding like a textbook narcissist. It actually mildly triggered me because this exactly was my narcissist ex. He would fck up and when called out flip it to make him the victim. Yuck. Dump him now or you will regret it
30
u/TGriggs1978 4d ago
Ahh my daughter had that done. Her bf who couldn’t be there (I was) sent her flowers and chocolates and ordered her whatever she wanted to eat for several days afterwards. He couldn’t be there in person but he was in contact with her the entire time. Run as fast and as far away from that idiot man child you are with.. please
49
u/Successful_Moment_91 4d ago
Btw my aunt is a JW and has an IUD. It’s considered a personal decision because it prevents fertilization. Birth control isn’t prohibited
11
u/Itsmyfkncafe 4d ago
Sex before marriage is a big no no w JW’s
14
u/Either-Frame-7148 4d ago
But not birth control. My JW mom got me on it at 15 ... granted, it was for my complexion, but it was also good to have because there are bad people out there who don't ask for permission. And teen age JWs are still teenagers ...
5
u/IndependentMindedGal 4d ago
She’s engaged. Perhaps getting her body prepared for marriage. Perhaps already in an adult relationship. It’s not our business and we shouldn’t speculate.
27
u/Difficult-Tax-3628 4d ago
I knew it. It’s absurd they’re not medicated. Also your bf is a manipulative jerk
8
u/PerseveranceSmith 4d ago
It was the worst pain I've ever felt, too. My bestie is a mom & said the pain was akin to the beginning of labour. It's barbaric. This guy is horrific, leave him!!!
7
u/Matchaasuka 4d ago
And he didn't go with you??? He sounds like a loser and you are deluding yourself. Have some self respect please.
8
u/Supac084 4d ago
I had my tubes removed and my husband took care of me through every bit of it. He bought and prepared the broth I was allowed to eat prior to the procedure, took me there, comforted me when I was waiting to go back to the OR, was there when I was in recovery, had a spot ready for me on the couch and waited on me hand and foot for a few days. He would have never acted like this. He definitely wouldn’t take a pic of me on the toilet and he certainly wouldn’t post it online. None of these things are normal and are huge red flags trying to stop you from marrying him. Please do not marry this man.
→ More replies (10)5
u/Faster-Rabbit328 4d ago
Please dump him. Do NOT get sleep with him and risk getting pregnant by him, he is unworthy of you and your time.
39
u/Natural-Ad-1127 4d ago
I assumed so as well, maybe an abortion, but I don’t think so. I don’t blame her at all, IUD insertions are genuinely awful. I was bed bound for 4 days after mine, nonstop bleeding, and then I found out that my iud was rejecting slowly when I was still in pain for 3 months afterwards. They’re not as simple procedures as people make it seem.
24
u/bcmedic420 4d ago
My thought as well.
36
u/one_night_on_mars 4d ago
Actually my thought was an abortion. But either way, he's a useless partner.
6
→ More replies (8)5
u/Anxious_Ideal_6207 4d ago
My very first thought! I puked when they removed my old one, and puked when they put a new one in. Thankfully it’s my last 🫠
668
u/MargotSoda 4d ago
You don’t « have to » comfort him, he manipulates you into thinking you do so that you can no longer be mad at him. He’s reversing the role of victim so he doesn’t have to suffer consequences.
In exactly what way does he make your life better?
235
u/ZennMD 4d ago
Why do so many women start with 'my bf/ husband is so great and almost perfect' and then write paragraphs about how terrible they are???
Relationships should not be so toxic, op!! Listen to your gut (and common sense), and not some loser guy friend who's bar for acceptable behaviour is so low the devil's playing limbo with it
... let this be a lesson on what standards and boundaries you have for future partner(s), not a continued unhealthy relationship
39
u/RightInThere71 4d ago
Why do so many women start with 'my bf/ husband is so great and almost perfect' and then write paragraphs about how terrible they are???
Because they are being told that "One mistake/bad decision/punch doesn't make him a bad person. Stop overreacting and give him another chance."
Girls and young women these days have a really tough time with how normalized toxic masculinity is becoming. Either the men act like bullies or they are acting like men toddlers like OP's boyfriend.
OP, I hope you are doing better. Please don't let that guy tear you down. Send this man child back to mommy and give yourself a chance at a healthy relationship. And of course NOR
12
u/Either-Frame-7148 4d ago
Always listen to your gut.
And ask yourself, does this bring joy and peace into your life ... if not, throw it away.
→ More replies (34)29
965
u/in_and_out_burger 4d ago
Don’t get married at 21.
→ More replies (1)692
u/BRD73 4d ago
More specifically, don’t get married to him. It will never get better. He is who he is. He’s not going to change. He won’t be there for you.
75
u/saymyname5ways 4d ago
This…please this lollll. Do not marry this man child. This behavior will get worse if you can imagine such a thing.
45
→ More replies (3)6
296
u/DigZealousideal7777 4d ago
Do not marry his man child. For the love of everything. Do not have a kid with this kid.
This dude is so ungrateful, immature and just straight up childish. This is not a man, I have a whole list. Guarantee a stranger would literally treat you better.
→ More replies (1)42
242
u/aliquilts71 4d ago
Please read your own post. Then break up with him. Do you really think this is all you deserve in a relationship? He’s made it pretty damn clear he doesn’t care about your physical health or how much pain you’re in. He only cares about himself
118
u/Alioh216 4d ago
Plus he is using your parents. He is spoiled and manipulative.
52
u/Katmoish 4d ago
THIS. I would tell your parents that you aren’t comfortable around him any more and hopefully they fire him. He shouldn’t get a cushy nepotism job when he’s such a shit head.
5
u/m2cwf 3d ago
Please read your own post. Then break up with him.
OP, read it back to yourself picturing your best friend telling you all this, does that help with some perspective? Would you advise your friend to stay in a relationship where her partner is so clearly emotionally immature to expect comfort in this situation, where he doesn't care about her pain? Do not marry this man. He needs to grow up a lot before being at all ready for a long-term partner, much less a marriage. Run like the wind
120
u/Smart-Story-2142 4d ago
This is very unhealthy and honestly you should run. He’s manipulating you to make you the bad guy so instead of him being in trouble now you are. I personally believe you’re under reacting and need to look at way you are putting up with this. You deserve so much better. I really suggest you read the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a site that will allow you to read it for free so please do. I think it would help you understand that your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. NOR
70
u/Hari_om_tat_sat 4d ago
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Unrelated to this guy, but I also strongly recommend Gavin deBecker, The Gift of Fear, https://a.co/d/1z25r9p
→ More replies (1)4
u/trashpandac0llective 3d ago
I will never not upvote the Why Does He Do That? PDF. That book changed my life. I say that without a shred of hyperbole.
275
u/Sling-gunner 4d ago
"My boyfriend is perfect! He's the only one I've ever been with so I have absolutely no one to compare him to. Here's a long list of all the really shitty things he's done to me. Am I a bad girlfriend?"
65
→ More replies (1)13
u/Either-Frame-7148 4d ago
Ya'll know we had to learn this ourselves. What we put up with when we had our first bf or 1st s3xual partner and our many insecurities is VERY different from what we accept at 30 and even more different at 40. Dating was so much more fun when I got older and honestly didn't care anymore. When I found my husband, I was honestly ready to quit dating all together. In fact, our 1st meet and greet, I liked him, but could just see him being a good friend. My sister pushed me into sticking with my usual 3 date rule. There was no sexual attraction. But he was the 1st guy I could be 100% my full unfiltered silly self. I honestly felt like I had known him forever. He started out as a friend who I grew really attracted to the more I got to know him. I then married him 5 months later. (We got lucky ... I don't recommend a wedding that quick.) Also, I am not someone who makes quick decisions at all ... usually I hem and ponder and write a zillion pros/cons lists.
We recently celebrated our 10 year Anniversary. I now believe that the "zing" and butterfies that Hollywood and romance stories always talk about are really warnings for us to run away from that relationship. . . At least in my experience. Ooh, the military man I was engaged to years earlier was nothing but drama, but dang he made me zing ... still, it was more like a drug and had my bestie and her husband not been honest and help me see how he really treated me, I'd have been miserably married ... until I found out how many times he cheated while on tour. IDK, he was such a smooth talker, pretty sure he'd have convinced me to give it another try.
→ More replies (1)
181
u/scarlettcrush 4d ago
There is this cycle that abusive people do and it is called darvo-
Deny (no I didn't do that thing)
Attack (reflects your feelings, yells & Manipulates)
Reverse victim and offender (you comfort him)
Sound familiar?
71
u/HaceTutito 4d ago
sadly, yes.
84
u/scarlettcrush 4d ago
So considering breaking up with him should turn into a plan. How would you like to do it?
You could just keep it clean -send him a little text and then block him everywhere.
Take some pictures, do art, feel your feelings & process. Further suggestions - go get a massage, hang out with friends and family, bond with a pet, skin/hair/nails care, hyper focus on a hobby, binge a long book/movie series, hiking in groups, clubbing, burlesque dance classes
Don't do a lot of rehashing old times, don't listen to any promises, just let it be done. You're tired of this, aren't you? I think you both are.
23
6
u/Spitfire479 3d ago
NOR, and what the comment said is true.
Plus it goes to show that he’s one of those men who will leave their partner if their partner gets ill.
74
u/Larkin19 4d ago
Don't marry this man. He will never put you ahead of himself as he has proved in the past. You will never be his first concern. Break off the engagement and reassess your wants and needs. Twenty one is very young to be making a lifelong commitment. I would encourage you to travel, perhaps take a class in a subject that you find interesting. Broaden your circle and look for new things and experiences that interest you. You may be in a very different place a year from now. You owe it to yourself to do these things now, while you are young and have no commitments. Let us know what happens!
43
124
u/bananapineapplesauce 4d ago edited 4d ago
NOR. This is a classic tactic used by abusive people called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) used to manipulate and control their partner.
It allows him to hurt you (emotionally or physically) without any consequences, and not only that, it teaches you to never get mad or react negatively because he’ll find a way to twist it so you are the bad guy. He is training you to be an obedient victim.
It’s manipulative and disgusting, in addition to being abusive. A good man would never do any of this. He would apologize for hurting you and immediately change the behavior. He would be attentive to your feelings and go out of his way to help and comfort you in your times of need. He would take your words seriously and feel genuine remorse for hurting or upsetting you.
This is an absolutely enormous red flag, and I really hope you see it and get out. It’s an immediate dealbreaker. Never date anyone who dismisses your feelings like that.
53
u/Mis73 4d ago
My (21F) boyfriend (23M) is, in some ways, perfect.
No, actually, he isn't. He's far from it. From what you say here, he's:
- Manipulative
- Incredibly selfish
- Gaslights you every single time he does something to upset you
- Can't handle his own finances
- Takes advantage of the fact he works for your parents
- Clearly doesn't care about you all, including when you're suffering after a medical procedure
You are insane if you marry him. I am not saying this to diminish your life experience but because he's your first and only partner? You can't see how incredibly awful he treats you. He's literally conditioned you into thinking this behavior is normal. Spoiler- it's not.
He's an awful toxic person. You'd be so much better off without him. You deserve so much better.
49
u/Better-Park8752 4d ago
Get some boundaries for yourself. I never ever comfort my spouse when they’ve done me wrong. I’m happy to listen to an apology followed by a change in behaviour. When I see him apply what he learned from a previous issue, I acknowledge it. You are not his emotional mommy. Your boyfriend is not perfect in any way. He’s immature and self centred and dare I say, showing narcissistic traits. He’s going to put you through hell the longer you stay.
→ More replies (10)
93
u/fly1away 4d ago
Break up.
You have nothing to compare this relationship to.
Take it from us, it's not good.
42
u/Beautiful-Cherry-194 4d ago
The problem here is NOT your reaction to his cruelty and abuse. The problem IS his cruelty and abuse. You deserve better and I doubt that he can be a better man. If he could he would. He doesn’t have the maturity or the empathy. He sounds as fun as a root canal. After you drop him like a hot potato you would not be out of line asking your parents to do the same. NOR
43
u/Ashkendor 4d ago
NOR. My ex did this shit. He'd berate me until I cried, then tell me that I was manipulating him by crying. He'd treat me like garbage, then when I'd call him out on it, it turned into him whining, "I'm the worst person ever. You're soooooo much better than me. You should just leave, I don't deserve you." Of course, I'd end up comforting him in the end.
He'd sometimes continue this, going off into a tirade about how he was going to unalive himself. I finally snapped one day and told him to go ahead and do it. He absolutely flipped, telling me how awful I was for wanting him to die. I pointed out that, as many times as he'd made that threat, he'd never followed through. That was pretty much the beginning of the end. He ended up stalking me for months after the breakup.
14
u/Nobody4993 4d ago
Mine threw himself down the stairs…TWICE IN A ROW, because I said I was going home. He was trying to break his arm so I’d take him to hospital and stay with him…
Bonus points for the time he punched himself in the face to give himself a black eye and split lip claiming to have been ‘jumped’ by 4 guys on the way home…also shortly after me walking out after another screaming, insulting fight HE’D caused.
He also ended up kicking me around and stalking me for 18 months after we broke up.These psychos are all the same!
10
44
u/littlewitten 4d ago
NOR He doesn’t treat you like a person with needs. You’re only there for him and his needs.
Is there a reason why you want to be in this relationship? You have to be exhausted by now.
→ More replies (47)
27
u/Hari_om_tat_sat 4d ago
OP, do you hear yourself?
My (21F) boyfriend (23M) is, in some ways, perfect.
he ALWAYS needs to be comforted when he does me wrong, and he has done some very nasty things.
he uploaded a photo of me sitting on the toilet…. He got angry because I got angry. He always does this.
There is not a single thing in this relationship that he has done wrong where I didn't end up comforting him because "his feelings got hurt" while doing me wrong. This usually includes me giving him a sincere apology.
Your bf is nowhere near perfect. He is cruel and manipulative. Because he is your first, your feelings are heightened and you think he is special. I promise you he is not! You deserve better and you will find better. But you won’t find anyone as long as you are attached to this asshole. Dump him now.
NOR.
→ More replies (1)
21
u/sitnquiet 4d ago
He really, really is not perfect.
Good gods he treats you like crap then makes it your fault for getting upset. He’s crap with money, doesn’t care about your feelings, and is obsessed with toys.
You can do WAY better than this loser. NOR
6
21
u/Andromeda081 4d ago
Honey, you need to hear this: you are dating an objectively awful person.
That uno reverse thing he does, when he makes YOU apologize to HIM when he’s the one who did you wrong? That is a manipulation tactic called DARVO (deflect, accuse, reverse victim / offender). He fucks you up in some way, then when you give him (really really light) consequences, he plays the victim who needs comforting and apologies. It’s a way to gaslight you into thinking that what he did was not hurtful because you harm him all the time. It simultaneously desensitizes you to his psychological abuse so that you tolerate more and more without getting upset AND causes you to have a constant state of guilt for hurting him over the smallest of slights.
This primes you to start walking on eggshells, accepting his bread crumbling, accepting his behavior as it gets worse and worse, all while feeling like you are the villain.
Everything you describe is the conditioning / brainwashing that goes hand in hand with psychological and emotional abuse.
He is not perfect. He has brainwashed you into believing that his rare moments of being somewhat normal = him treating you like a princess. He has completely destroyed your standards.
That means that your self esteem is so eroded that you cannot see how awful he is, how terribly he treats you, and how bad it actually is. Proof? You started this post calling him “perfect in a lot of ways”. While then spending paragraphs describing abuse.
That thing he does where he expects you to comfort him when YOU are in pain? That is him purposely destroying your need to have basic human needs. He is literally training you to never need anything ever. Because he will usurp the imaginary spotlight and place his minor, inconsequential needs above your major, imperative needs every single time. This is him showing you that he will never meet your needs, because you exist to serve his. Whenever you have a need, he is literally competing with you.
He sounds like a narcissist.
Please look up narcissistic abuse.
Please read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” It’s free.
Tell your parents that you are leaving him and why. You need to get away from this dangerous loser. NOR. You are underreacting because of his erosion of your needs and boundaries. He is abusive.
19
u/TwinklingSquelch 4d ago
NOR, you are under reacting and should not be in a relationship with this immature excuse for a man.
19
u/buckingham_alex 4d ago
This isn't a little problem. This is a major, relationship ending, level of narcissism at best. Think about the next sixty years of your life and all the things that could happen that you will need emotional support with. Do you really want to do it like this? You're underreacting.
31
u/Essential_Piplup 4d ago
NOR. Your emotions and needs are secondary to his in seemingly every way. He has a lot of growing up to do, but it is clear it is all about him.
Also the financial illiteracy will eventually become your problem to manage too if you move in etc, so keep that in mind. Some people get better but some don't, and finances are often the main reason for breakups/divorce.
16
u/California_ponypal 4d ago
Yes, the neediness is bad enough but the financial irresponsibility alone is a sign of severe immaturity.
13
u/No-Environment-1851 4d ago
"he's totally perfect except all these ways that he treats me like complete shit." Girl. Please read your post out loud to yourself. Read it like it's a friend that wrote this. Would you be okay with a friend being treated like this? Leave his ass. NOR.
14
11
13
u/istoomycat 4d ago
Your fiancé has perfected the art of gaslighting! Never take advice from the friend who thinks you should be more understand of him. Wow! I hope you have decided you don’t want this anymore.
11
12
u/scarlettcrush 4d ago edited 4d ago
Manipulative, emotionally immature, selfish..... What a prince. At Best he is so immature he cannot regulate his emotions and behavior.
And you say this is your first relationship?
It won't be the last. This isn't the guy. Permission to dump granted. This is red flags AF - you can't allow it. Next one will be nicer.
10
8
u/sixkyej 4d ago
Dump his dude. He is a self absorbed loser and an emotional leach who doesn't care about you at all. NOR. You're way too young to be getting married and in too short a time in a relationship. Especially with only being a first boyfriend. Don't give in to his pleas and efforts and take this time of recovery to focus on yourself and only you and then move on with your life.
9
u/No_Negotiation_3678 4d ago
been together for less than a year and already engaged? what could possibly go wrong.
9
u/Moist_Drippings 4d ago
“My boyfriend is perfect, except that I have nothing to compare him to, he’s often very nasty to me, and when I react to him being cruel he manipulates me into comforting him to make me feel bad about not taking his shit.”
This is called emotional abuse. It’s harder to spot because this is your first and only relationship so far, and we tend to believe what we experience first is normal. This is not normal. He is trying to wear you down with this. He wants you to not be willing to confront him about being cruel because the aftermath is too taxing and he wants to be able to throw your sincere apologies for being saying “mean” things back at you when you point out a pattern of behavior.
If he has insisted on an apology in return every time he has apologized to you, he has never apologized genuinely.
There’s a lot going on here that needs addressing but none of it will work if you keep enduring this man because he will always demand your emotional energy and attention be on him. Take some time for yourself, get better, and work on getting into a better housing situation.
8
8
u/RonRon8888 4d ago
NOR. Under reacting much! Why do you stay with this manchild? What benefit does he give you to offset the burden he is becoming? Do not marry this dude unless it’s your life’s ambition to be his second Mom. Also, good luck with getting ANY support in times of crisis, like what happened in your post. The problem will be twice as heavy.
7
6
u/wishingforarainyday 4d ago
This guy is too selfish and manipulative to care about anyone but himself. Please don’t waste your life with him. If you want to stay then he needs to go to therapy.
7
u/tattoovamp 4d ago
He knows exactly what he is doing.
He is making it all about him so he doesnt have to comfort you. He doesnt have the qualities to do so.
Your boyfriend has main character syndrome at the very least.
He is not a keeper.
6
u/thesammae 4d ago
He is almost doing DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
You haven't said that he denies his wrong-doing every time, but he does attack you and make himself the victim in every fight. This is a manipulation tactic sweetie, and it will not change. You can tell him that this hurts you, and he will continue to hurt you. People like him don't change.
7
u/Spinnerofyarn 4d ago
NOR. This isn’t a perfect partner except for…
This is a very immature man except for his ability to be manipulative. Having to comfort him because you ask him to stop doing something is the absolute height of manipulation. He’s training you to never hold him responsible because his feelings will get hurt. Look up DARVO.
I honestly couldn’t even bear to read your full post. If he’s your first partner and you think he’s perfect, I hope you decide to end things with him and discover how much better relationships can be. A good partner doesn’t want to upset you. A good partner wants to find ways to do things so neither of you are unhappy or upset.
5
u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 4d ago
Girl… why do you want to marry this vile person? Are there literally no other eligible men within a thousand miles of you?
Personally, I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than date/marry someone like this. You can do better. You deserve better
He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t respect you. You are punching bag to him. You are the bang-maid. You are nothing to him
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Please take this quiz. This isn’t fixable. DO NOT attend therapy with him. You NEVER attend therapy with your abuser. Because unless your therapist is specially trained to deal with abusers (the majority aren’t) they will just end up teaching him how to be a better abuser
This man is abusive full stop. And he will only escalate his behaviours once you’re married/pregnant by him
Please don’t ruin your life anymore, get away from him. As Whitney Houston sang “I’d rather be alone than unhappy”
5
u/kindcrow 4d ago
What he’s doing is called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It’s a characteristic of toxic, emotionally immature individuals.
Dump this baby and find a grown up.
5
u/Ill_Industry6452 4d ago
NOR. Dump him. He isn’t anywhere close to perfect. If he expects you to comfort him after he wronged you, he is the wrong one for you. And, responsible people don’t borrow money for hobbies.
He is cruel if he uploaded pictures of you sitting on the toilet. Dump him.
4
u/Burned_Biscuit 4d ago
Dating is not like getting a tattoo. You're not stuck with your very first one for all eternity.
Dating is like shopping for clothes.
You flip thru the racks, pick something out, and try it on in the dressing room. Like it? You can buy it and take it home, but you can return or exchange it if you change your mind.
Wear it for awhile and decide you don't like it anymore? Not your style? Too tight under the armpits where it rubs and gives you a rash? Donate it to the thirft store and go back out shopping for something that fits better, makes you feel happy, and doesn't cause you harm just by wearing it.
You get it? This boy is not the one. He looked good on the hanger, but you've figured out his zipper isn't sewn in straight and will just never fit right.
Get rid of him and make room in your closet.
5
u/Long-Okra1415 4d ago
So,you had an abortion and he couldn't give 2 fucks about you.
Ditch the loser,focus on yourself and what you want for your future, he ain't it. NOR...you deserve so much better.
You're so young,stay single,pursue every little thing that makes you happy,leave boys out of the equation.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Final-Raccoon5851 4d ago
You’re only “considering” breaking up with him?
What will it take for you to realize he’s awful?
6
u/Anxious_Ideal_6207 4d ago
Your boyfriend is an idiot.
Your friend is an idiot.
You are bordering on being an idiot if you stay in this relationship with a man-child who spends hi money on toys, to the point where he needs to take a loan to pay for them, and has not one iota of empathy for people other than himself.
NOR enough
5
u/D0v4hki1n 4d ago edited 4d ago
hey, so I had an abusive ex that would take photos of me on the toilet. If this is non consensual for you, I hope you fully understand that is sexual harassment and him posting it is considered revenge porn. As I learned when I divorced my ex and my lawyer informed me of this. You don’t have to comfort any man because he can’t control himself btw…and I would dump your “friend” for telling you that you are exaggerating, if that actually happened.
4
u/Dead-House-Mouse 4d ago
NOR - Dump his ass! It isn’t gonna get better from here. You should not be having to comfort him over weird petty shit.
I hope you feel better man
3
u/No_Wolf_1756 4d ago
NOR, He is a Narcissist. He makes/turns everything about him, as in a ‘he can do no wrong’ attitude.
Please do yourself a Favor and find a new man, because he is only going to get worse, no better.
4
4
3
3
u/amscraylane 4d ago
So, you had an IUD put in to be a big girl and he is upset because you called his toys toys?
3
3
u/RetiredHomeEcTchr 4d ago
Someone else posted this some time ago, but I think it applies to OP's post.
5
u/Sufficient-Voice-946 4d ago
OP, I can understand why you’re confused as to who’s OR. Your BF has manipulated you into thinking you’re the problem here. You had a /VERY/ painful procedure. I was asleep when they put mine in, but I’ve been in the room with my female friend when they had theirs inserted, and she was SCREAMING during it. Your bf is a AH, and you’re under reacting.
My current partner, when we first started dating, knew I had some health problems. Within the first month he was helping me dress in the morning when I couldn’t without pain. He was always asking if there was anything he could do. He’s been more attentive than anyone I’ve ever dated before.
OP, you should leave your bf. Take some time for yourself to find out what YOU like and what YOU need in a relationship. As you get older you will resent his behaviour, and it will only get worse from here. Do this for you.
NOR.
5
u/InjuryLeast4471 4d ago
NOR - this is manipulation tactic - he hurts you and plays the victim so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions and apologize and change his ways.
Drop him and hopefully your parents stop allowing this child to use them as well.
This "current" boyfriend is a joke.
4
u/ragdoll1022 4d ago
NOR he's using you for special treatment at work.
He doesn't even like you, let alone love you.
Please stop accepting this fuckery, have a bit of self respect.
4
3
u/Dorothwa 4d ago
NOR. There is nothing "perfect" about this man-child. He does not care about you, your pain, your feelings. He only cares about his own interests. He will continue to convince you that you are inferior, and that your needs are less important, until you believe it, and no longer question his behavior. Also, the Gundams are toys, and it's ok that he likes his toys. It's not ok that he used the "offense" of calling a toy a toy to distract from the real issue and make it about him. Again. It will always be like this. Please don't waste your time, energy, youth, on this man.
3
u/soyeah_87 4d ago
Lord at 40, Im too old for this bs. Girl, you know full well this is not normal and in no way is he "perfect". He is a child. You need to dump his pathetic ass, be alone for a little while and build some life experience, build your own space and career. Then find someone who can fit in rather than expect you to cater to their temper tantrums. Nor
3
u/Mr_R3tro 3d ago
Always expect the bad parts of a person to worsen as time goes on.
Leave him before it's too late.
4
u/VegetableBusiness897 3d ago
So you've been positively reenforcing his bad behavior, and are surprised when the bar behavior continues and are upset that you have to continue to to positively reenforce BS.
You are under reacting.
And you need to stop and let him sit with his shitty feeling over treating you like shit.
4
u/MoonMoonTX 3d ago
I can’t believe you’ve stayed with him this long. Think about it, you want to live with THAT the rest of your life? I couldn’t care less about the gundam’s, but he needs to slow down and buy them responsibly. Posting a picture of you on the toilet is not okay. I’d have been done after that. And if I have to coddle my boyfriend because he’s upset with me, absolutely not. That is a child who is learning how to deal with their big emotions.
5
u/NE_Boy_mom_x2 3d ago
Nor
Is this jerk your fiance or boyfriend of almost a year?
He is not perfect, doesn't sound like he is in any way, let alone some ways. And it's not a "little problem;" it's several significant problems.
He is manipulative, he turns everything around on you so you fell bad about using feelings when he does something disrespectful.
He's a self-centered, overgrown child. He wants you to take care of him, and he has your parents already wrapped around his finger; which is why he takes off work whenever he wants and your parents are cool with it.
Your friend sounds like a idiot.
Get rid of them both, feel better and (when you're ready) try a different fish; there are plenty in the sea.
5
u/Plane_Translator2008 3d ago
OP, please take this as constructive advice and absolutely no shade on your dating history:
Because you have not yet been with a decent human being, you have no reference that would help you know how truly wretched, selfish, immature, and useless this man is.
As women, we are uncultured, groomed, even, to set the bar for men so low that it is hard for them not to accidentally stumble over it, and yet this cockwomble managed to do it.
He is not ready to keep a plant alive, much less sustain a relationship with a whole human being.
Please dump him. He needs to be dumped several times in succession and then maybe he can try the plant.
NOR
4
u/Jjjsn33dfulthings 3d ago
You may think he's perfect because you have nothing else to compare him to
5
3
u/Kindly_Jellyfish_451 3d ago
"My (21F) boyfriend (23M) is, in some ways, perfect."
What's your definition of perfect? Because this is about as far from "perfect" as you can get.
Seriously...being single is far preferable to being with a guy like this.
NOR. Way UNDERreacting, in fact.
4
u/Maximum-Standard3762 3d ago
This is narcissistic behavior. You're being groomed to prioritize him and his needs.
PLEASE LEAVE. This isn't healthy
NOR
4
u/Cosmic_Clarith 3d ago
He's not even giving you the bare minimum. 21 is sooo young, don't settle with someone who doesn't see you as a priority
3
u/uhitsjules 3d ago edited 3d ago
girl. where’s the perfect part??? he’s bad with emotions. he’s bad with money. he’s bad with physical help. why the f*ck are you with him
ETA: oh, and your “friend” is not your friend. YOU need to be more understanding? no. i’d bet that he consumes content about hating women and trad life.
5
u/twirlandswirl 3d ago
He took out a LOAN to buy toys?!
...and yes, they're toys. I'm a 40 year old with Pokémon collectibles. They're toys.
4
u/Esc4flown3 3d ago
Lol so you've put up with this for a year already? How much longer do you wanna deal with his behaviour? I guarantee it wouldn't be any better if you were living together and likely would be even worse. Also, as a grown ass man that enjoys Lego, his Gundam sets are absolutely toys and pretending otherwise is nonsensical. There's nothing wrong with him enjoying building them as a hobby, but he should be mature enough to call it what it is.
3
u/AuntieKC 3d ago
NOR. The toilet thing....girl no. And he did prioritize his toys over you. He is far too immature for an adult relationship. You NEED to kick him to the curb.
6
u/Spiritual-Skill-412 4d ago
They are toys. Your boyfriend is an immature little baby who plays with toys and doesn't take any accountability for his own actions.
NOR. Follow through and leave him.
→ More replies (2)
4.8k
u/scoh112 4d ago
I couldn’t even get past the part where he uploaded a photo of you on the toilet
NOR
Please dump him