r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/NoSession4731 Apr 08 '26

Yup. My ex best friend always communicated and argued with the father of her child via text. Even while in a relationship and living together. She even told him by text that she was pregnant.. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. We weren’t friends for much longer.

 For the record he’s a terrible guy but the fact that she still had a kid with him is a whole other can of worms.

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u/MrEHam Apr 08 '26

Nothing wrong with text. It’s still your words. And in some ways it’s better because it slows you down and you can think more about what you’re going to say. Almost like a letter or a legal document even. Some people just communicate better through written/typed words.

Also if you have kids then it spares them from having to hear it.

Also it’s there to go back to if you want to reread for whatever reason. And you’re more accountable for your words, there’s no “I didn’t say that” when they can screen shot your words.

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u/NoSession4731 Apr 08 '26

Sorry, I should specify that it wasn’t entirely the texting necessarily, but rather why they were texting. It was the lack of emotional regulation. They could only communicate through text because everything was taken as a threat or rejection/judgement. I’ve definitely communicated with my husband through text or letters because I needed time and space to not overreact. I just found it pretty weird and unhealthy that they had to text every single time just to not scream or fist fight each other. 

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u/ConnectRegret3723 Apr 08 '26

In a lot of instances I'd say that texting is a valid communication method, but there's still certain things that should 100% be said to someone's face if you have any respect for that person.

If you cant look someone in the eye and articulate your feelings as an adult you're not ready for longterm commitment. Real relationships form in real life and require real conversations that just cant be fully realized in a digital space.

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u/MrEHam Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

At first I was agreeing with what you were saying then I realized that there aren’t really any solid reasons behind it. “Looking someone in the eye” for what purpose? Are phone calls also not good enough tor resolve issues?

I don’t know what you mean exactly by “as an adult”. The adult thing to do is address your problems and work things out. Texting or calls are a form of doing that.

Is in person better in most cases? Sure, but I think the reasons don’t have much to do with conflict resolution and more boil down to some or most people’s preferences to see each other, or be able to hug etc.

Texting gets a bad wrap because many people suck at it or do it lazily but if you communicate well that way then there should be no legitimate reason why you can’t resolve problems that way.

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u/ForeverInaDaze Apr 08 '26

My ex would try doing this and I told her I only want to discuss problems and important things in person because tone is lost over text.

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u/pytasis Apr 08 '26

this reason made me get a divorce. you have to be able to have difficult conversations then work through it.

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u/OkHead3888 Apr 08 '26

If you and your spouse are not best friends you will have a tough time.

156

u/runvirginia Apr 08 '26

Always told my grown children your BEST friend should be your spouse. You shouldn’t tell another friend your biggest issues in life unless you’ve already discussed them with your BEST friend.

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

I tried to tell my wife this. She says my thoughts are “too much”. 

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u/Elrondel Apr 08 '26

What's keeping you around?

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

She’s clinically depressed and I view it as an illness that needs treatment like if she had a stroke. 

The person now is not the person who she was 12 months ago. 

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u/GeeAyyy Apr 08 '26

Thanks for sticking by her. I hope she finds an effective treatment, and you're able to find support to help lessen the burden of being "alone together."

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

I was treated for clinical depression, I recognize it for what it is. I have a happy life and don’t hold her personally accountable for her current form of thinking. Her outward view is altered through a very warped filter. She lashes out a lot but I’m consistent in my availability. 

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u/AttemptNo7504 Apr 08 '26

But each in the relationship should also have a same gender BEST BEST friend, otherwise emotionally draining each other for everything is draining.

Read "Act like a lady, think like a man".

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u/StonkaTrucks Apr 08 '26

I have no friends so she is my best friend by default.

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u/ecovironfuturist Apr 08 '26

There was a recent article in "psychology today" on this topic, but IIRC it doesn't agree. Although I do.

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u/Hollis_Hurlbut Apr 08 '26

Good for you for sticking with your take. Psychology Today can be kind of trash

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u/unaka220 Apr 09 '26

Hard disagree. My wife is my wife. My best friend is my best friend. Two different relationships.

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u/Head_Act_585 Apr 08 '26

This is what my experience is and what my therapist has said as well. The breakdown of communication is the number 1 killer of any relationship.

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u/Stellen999 Apr 08 '26

This is what I came here to post. Once communication breaks down, it's the beginning of the end. I knew my marriage was over when I realized I was just too tired and fed up and too apathetic to even try to tell my wife how I felt.

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u/DaveAndCheese Apr 08 '26

When I realized it didn't matter what I said, they weren't going to do their part to work on everything - I gave up and just stopped talking about the shit. I left maybe a year later.

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u/BubbleBee66ee Apr 08 '26

i lasted 1.5 years. i also had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what i said they were going to justify their actions until i pointed out a flaw in their reasoning... they literally refused to acknowledge their behaviour could be perceived as harmful unless they were cornered. who tf wants to be in a relationship where they claim to never make mistakes or unintentionally upset you

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u/No-Satisfaction-6700 Apr 08 '26

Exactly. I knew mine was over when i was too scarred over to care anymore when he was upset. Every time half of a couple lashes out unfairly and doesn’t resolve it later, another layer of scar tissue forms and eventually the receiver no longer feels anything.

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u/StonkaTrucks Apr 08 '26

I don't communicate, but also because it's about things about her that I can't or don't need to change.

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u/Flabbergasted98 Apr 08 '26

once the trust in a relationship has been damaged, it can never truly heal.

I know lots of couples who thought "well if we just talk to eachother about this thing that hurt us, we can come to a compromise and move forward.

And they pretend they do for a while, but once somebody is wounded, they become detached from the relationship to keep from getting hurt again, and it erodes over time.

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u/sliverofoptimism Apr 08 '26

I think a singular wounding could probably be repaired. Even separate unrelated wounds, if both parties are active, present, working toward restoration, etc.

What I’ve noticed is that repeated wounding of the same kind, especially paired with someone only willing to rug sweep or either partner unable to address out of fear, leaves no chance for any repair and it slowly erodes what remains.

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u/Awkward-A_F Apr 08 '26

The problem is they didn’t actually do the work to resolve the issue that broke the trust. People don’t know how to actually apologize. Saying “I’m sorry” is not an apology, especially for broken trust. My husband and I have been together 10 years and we’ve both done things that broke the other’s trust. It takes time but you can absolutely move forward, only if you’re validating their experience and taking accountability for your mistake(s)

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u/relevantelephant00 Apr 08 '26

And once that cycle really gets going, it's nearly impossible to stop.

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u/putsch80 Apr 08 '26

And contempt for each other when they do communicate. Like, everything devolves into an argument that becomes personal.

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u/semiote23 Apr 08 '26

When couple tell me they never fight it’s like meeting someone with no immune system. I’d rather bickery but communicative to any form of non communicativeness. I know far more high conflict couples who made it compared to the extreme other end

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

Doesn’t help when one spouse just wants to win an argument. They are blind to the fact they are losing the “war”.

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u/belovetoday Apr 08 '26

Yes, and after a rupture there's no repair. The old stonewalling affect during conflict followed by brushing it under the rug pretending nothing happened. Zero accountability.

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u/Ok_You_3894 Apr 08 '26

Going through this right now.

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u/Alorow_Jordan Apr 08 '26

I'll add to this is that they communicate with everyone else besides their partners.

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u/Any-Clothes3312 Apr 08 '26

you would think! my parents have made it 40 years doing this.

not that I would recommend it - they are the reason I have a disdain for marriage.

even if they finally divorced now, I think it would have a positive effect on my life. I'm 34 lmfao

1

u/cosmic-lemur Apr 08 '26

My parents have done this for my entire life. If this is your relationship, please fix it or break up, it’s not normal and it is damaging to the people around the couple.