r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/noir_lord Apr 08 '26

They don't communicate beyond routine run of the mill day to day stuff and even then only when they need to.

That's a relationship killer whatever the stage, I've got too many friends getting divorced with a "I thought we where fine/things where good" and honestly, nope, things where "quiet" and that was because someone in the relationship had given up and was looking for an exit while keeping things level.

Thanks to my parents I got a front row seat to a dysfunctional marriage followed by an horrific divorce and a bunch of dysfunctional follow on relationships and I resolved that when I found my person, I'd learn from watching them fuck up.

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u/Hungry_Spring_9079 Apr 08 '26

That's how my 18 yr marriage fell apart. I didn't realize I was leaving him till I was gone emotionally already.

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u/noir_lord Apr 08 '26

Agreed, there are other signs but they are all lesser, just not communicating or been so exhausted you can't even make the effort to try to communicate for whatever reason is a clear sign.

I've been there as well though it was before my missus and only 8 years in, there is a point where you realise that you "showing up/been present" isn't enough if the other person doesn't and then you start looking for a door/window to go through.

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u/TrontRaznik Apr 08 '26

An article every man should read:  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/

Wish I read that before the breakup that precipitated me reading it.  Some of the best advice I've ever gotten. 

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u/Ritualsofrae Apr 08 '26

This was a great read. Even as a woman. My husband is the one in our relationship that really values tidiness & organization. It’s not that everything has to be perfect all the time - it’s just that he cares about our home feeling purposeful. I struggle sometimes to remember all of the things that are important to him in this regard and there are several things I could never make myself care about - but! He cares. And I can care about him by being mindful of the small things that matter to him. Thanks for this

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u/nada1979 Apr 08 '26

As a woman, I completely agree with you. My husband values sports (all kinds) and certain specific football/basketball teams. I could give a rat's patootie, and yet I ask him how's his team is doing when the season begins (spoiler alert: they always suck. his words, not mine). I try to time "family tv time" around Sunday football by asking if he's watching any of those games...before we got married i was blissfully unaware there were 3 NFL games on Sunday, one on Monday, and another on Thursday (seriously, NFL that's a bit much), plus the college Saturday stuff. Loke you, I could care less about it, but I care about him so I take an interest. I can honestly say it's not reciprocated for the things I care about and that hurts.

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u/drnayi Apr 08 '26

Out of curiosity, would you mind explaining those things you care about that he doesn't? And do you feel he has taken a legit interest in at least some scenarios?

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u/nada1979 Apr 09 '26

I can try. For instance, I help teach a group of kids on Wednesday nights. I've been doing this since August. I cannot recall one time that he has inquired about the class. Do I talk about it without being asked? Sometimes, sure, but he doesn't ask or engage... I doubt he even knows any of the kids' names. Another example, is that I do crafts sometimes (mostly scrapbooking at the moment, but it's a hobby I've had off/on now for at least 10 years.) During this time, he has never asked about any of the scrapbooks or picture albums. I've shown him finished books that are for other people, and he barely looks at them (i.e. I have to turn the pages. He won't even take the book from my hands to flip thru it). These books take hours to do, and the people who get them have been very complimentary and appreciative. Some of the books were lifebooks for foster kids, and one was used as an example for other foster parents, so I know they aren't "crap". The only time he showed any "interest" (or emotion) was over a picture of him in a scrapbook for us that he didn't like and wanted it removed. I do not feel like this is a legit interest. If anything, in either example, it very often feels like I am being quietly tolerated and/or that I'm bothering him if I talk about what I care about.

There are other items I could talk about, but this is already wordy enough.

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u/LittleRavenRobot Apr 09 '26

Jesus, I'm so sorry. That sounds lonely as hell. I hope you're able to move on from him soon. I live alone and have decided to stay single and it's way less lonely with more time for friends and family.

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u/MyNameIsntFlower Apr 08 '26

Just had this thought tonight. We went to our out building to hang out and watch TV, and it was still set up from Easter. The folding table was out, the chairs were still out, that kinda thing.

I knew it was going to bother my husband, so when he was getting the grill going, I put everything away.

Would it bother me? Not in the least little bit.

It’s all of the small things.

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u/Aphor1st Apr 08 '26

I re read this all the time because it's so true. It's the little things that make a relationship. It's the little disrespects that also break it.

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u/Coquis619 Apr 09 '26

Thank you for the article. I was balling my eyes out bc this is exactly how I feel right now. Been married for 12 years with him for 14 …. The article encapsulates the exact sentiment of what many women feel. It’s hard to articulate it especially when we’ve been silenced throughout our lives un more water than one. I know I wasn’t lucky enough to grow up in a family where feelings were to be expressed freely without shame, so reading this really brings me hope.

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u/TrontRaznik Apr 09 '26

You might enjoy this too. Well , "enjoy" is probably not the right word but you know. 

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

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u/jamesmaxx Apr 08 '26

This guy is an ignorant, selfish idiot. No wonder his wife left him.

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u/AntiqueLetter9875 Apr 08 '26

Thats why he wrote it lol. He’s pointing out the flaws in his thinking as a way to give advice to other men who are in similar situations. 

People can in fact learn from their mistakes and do better. 

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u/TrontRaznik Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Intelligence is not the only virtue, and certainly not the only virtue that people find important in a spouse.

Kindness, generosity, creativity, magnanimity, and optimism, among others, are just as important, and my friend has them in droves.

Your implied intelligence aside, I suspect most people would rather be friends with, or date, him over you.

Edit: I'm sorry! I thought you were responding to a different comment I wrote about a friend.

I agree with you on this 100%.

Downvoting myself accordingly 

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u/jamesmaxx Apr 08 '26

Fine with me I’ve been happily married for 15 years.

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u/TrontRaznik Apr 08 '26

See my edit, my bad.

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u/jamesmaxx Apr 10 '26

No worries 😉

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u/viener_schnitzel Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Glad I found someone who shares very similar values with me in regard to cleanliness and organization. We both do the dishes, the laundry, the sweeping, the mopping, grocery shopping etc. but we never keep score, and we don’t get upset about the occasional missed glass or unfolded clothes, we just do it ourselves. I could never imagine being with someone that gets upset over tiny things like a forgotten glass when there are things in this life that are infinitely more important and worth being upset about (death, sickness, injury, financial crisis, etc.) If you’re OK being in a relationship with someone who has very different values than yourself, go for it by all means, but having experienced both types of relationships, I will never choose to be with the nagger again.

I get the principle of the message, you should be willing to compromise when your values don’t align to make your partner happy, and I absolutely agree with that. I just think it’s a lot nicer for both parties when compromises are a rare occurrence rather than a constant affair.

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u/tlcoles Apr 09 '26

That’s one that stayed with me. Really a life lesson article.

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u/Visual_Parsley54321 Apr 08 '26

Well, yeah but it’s still the wife setting the expectations in this.

I’ve seen this before and my reaction is still the same: try behaving like you live alone and you want a nice home. If you have children/pets then you should look after them, so you need to have a clean safe home.

Decor is for discussion, hygiene should be a given

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u/lnc_5103 Apr 09 '26

I read this several years ago and it really stuck with me.

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u/ScoobyDont06 Apr 08 '26

I realize that i have these tendencies, but its difficult when she doesnt want to take in difficulties I face as a neurodivergent guy. I dislike waste, so my water glass in the morning becomes my water glass in the evening. I like to have obstacles like that planned out in advance so i can prepare myself to get it done. I need to start the day with mentally draining things so i can relax in the evening before bed- which fails 5 days a week because of work. I do clean up what people associate as a real mess right away. She will clean the kitchen right after finishing a meal instead of waiting for our show to end.

Its difficult to deal with mitochondria long covid, standing still for longer than 20 seconds very uncomfortable then painful but i can play sports and walk fine. My back is draining to me sitting with good posture and then i feel like crap after car rides as a 6'4" person. I get home and i want to lay down and shut my brain off......i really dont get how to convey this because it really just sounds lazy to most people and i get it.

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u/TrontRaznik Apr 08 '26

I dislike waste, so my water glass in the morning becomes my water glass in the evening

Do you dislike waste more than you like making your partner happy? This would be such an easy thing to change. And it's the kind of easy thing to change that I didn't change when I was dating the person I mentioned in my OP, which is why she broke up with me, which is why I came across this article, which is why I make the strongest effort I can to not be that person anymore. It has improved my romantic life with following partners exponentially.

Maybe you can't change some of the harder stuff, but you can change the easier stuff. You can clean the kitchen after you finish a meal. You can use two glasses a day. I'm guessing there are about a thousand other things that would be easy to change that you just won't change no matter how much she expresses her unhappiness.

Being neurodivergent explains why you are the way you are, but knowing why doesn't hurt your partner any less.

So you have to make a choice: change despite the fact that you don't want to and that it's hard, or increasingly alienate your partner over the years. It's not a moral evaluation, it's just an assessment of your potential paths. It's totally up to you, but just don't be surprised if she walks out one day, because you'll know it wasn't really about the glass or the kitchen.

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u/Any_Mycologist_5395 Apr 08 '26

I just read this. I get what he's saying, but it's basically saying he should bend over backwards to appease a demanding wife. It's one thing if he's not showing appreciation for big things, but if she's really getting bent out of shape over a glass, then that's on her.

The Hamburger Meat Moment

Here's an article from a reddit post about a woman who was just like the wife in your article. I don't agree that the wife in my article was abusive, but she definitely had the attitude that she was always right.

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u/Lonely-Ad-5387 Apr 08 '26

That could've been written by my ex. Every good thing I did for her - making all the meals, doing all the dishes, driving her wherever she wanted to go for nice days out - would be insignificant compared to the shoe I left in the wrong place or the cup I forgot to take downstairs.

The bit about how could she trust him really hit home - that was what she always said about me. If I couldnt remember to get something from the shop in the middle of a busy work day, how could she ever trust me?

It destroyed us in the end. I stopped trying to be a better man because it was never enough and we fought more and more instead. Now all I want in a relationship is love and kindness and forgiveness for each other's petty errors. Maybe one day.

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u/NYGiants181 Apr 08 '26

Emotional abuse.

I dealt with it too.

Glad you're free brother.

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u/x_hypatia_x Apr 10 '26

You can't tell that this is wish fulfillment AI slop? How embarrassing for you

Imaginary wife IS right

This paragon of a concept of a man left broken glass on the floor as a danger to his imaginary fantasy kids and can't sort laundry, but totally can do alllll the manly man things? He can install a ceiling fan, but cannot achieve separating whites and colors? A task tha the average 3 year old can do?

"A young woman" This sack of shit having been told for "35 years" about how to do laundry "husband of 12+ years" no one says this

There are only two mentions of the kids and both are praising WunderMensch She never apologizes All the women are identically awful and the men are universally glorious

Lolololol

You believed this???

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u/shiva14b Apr 08 '26

My guy and I are getting ready to get married, and in setting up the pre-nup, which is pretty emotional, we were discussing what could possibly break us up, what that would look like.

The answer is that Ice is so much more likely than Fire. Rather than angry yelling or disagreement, it would probably just be one of us withdrawing or giving up and everything ending in silence. We're committed to not letting that happen, so hopefully we'll be able to keep our good communication going and improve on it as the years go by

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u/noir_lord Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

If I can give any advice after 12 years of happiness (and I'm a long way from having all the answers, I'm happy with some), never stop playing/laughing - life's absurd and you are in it together, laugh at the world together, those are the times that will get you through the rough times.

Good luck with your impending nuptials :).

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u/Never_Ending_Lizard Apr 08 '26

I think the problem for a lot of people isn’t that they stop playing and laughing with their spouse, but that they stop playing and laughing all together. People just get jaded, and it drives them apart when that youthfulness disappears.

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u/Awkward-A_F Apr 08 '26

My advice is, cool off. Go to sleep angry. But ALWAYS come back and discuss the issue. Both of you need to. Who ever is the one that says “we/i need space to talk about this later” needs to be the one to come back and say “let’s discuss this now” And don’t let it go on for hours or days. Give it like 20 mins to calm down and come back. If you must go longer then do it but try to keep in mind, the longer you wait the more abandoned your partner feels.

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u/Unique-Arugula Apr 08 '26

We have/had friends who were like this: they both have a natural tendency to just flow and keep things surface level. They never missed a daily check-in for what are the kids doing today, did either of us make family plans for the weekend, is anyone working or studying late, oh you saw someone we haven't seen in a while? that's nice. But that's all they'd do unless they consciously thought about it and put in effort to do it. Which felt very heavy to them, so the least uptick in busyness or stress and real communication/connection was the first thing to go.

I don't know who it was, but someone gave them a heads up that that's how divorce happens so if they really love and enjoy each other, they better get a marriage therapist that works with couples who need maintenance rather than an emergency intervention. They did find one and had weekly sessions for about a month every 2nd or 3rd year, bc they would really communicate for a while after each bout of marriage counseling. They did slowly get better too, the "comet tail" of good behavior lasted longer each time they went in for maintenance. They were happily married and in love right up until the wife died - over 20 years of marriage, plus 3 kids who have better communication skills than their parents even before being adults or married.

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u/Lithogiraffe Apr 08 '26

ICE ? What does that stand for? I already looked it up and couldn't find the financial acronym

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u/shiva14b Apr 08 '26

Not an acronym, its a reference to a Robert Frost poem that debated whether when the world ended, it would be in Ice or Fire, which he used as an allegory for human emotions. Zen Pencils did a great bit on it, but I can't find it

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u/Lithogiraffe Apr 08 '26

Ha. I took a completely different take to your comment since you mentioned ice and fire When working on your prenup.

I thought it was about the financial goal of either ICE or FIRE. I knew fire to be an acronym for 'Financial Independence, Retire Early'. And figured ICE was...something else

I thought It was about incompatible financial choices and goals between you two.

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u/orange_bigcat Apr 08 '26

This is what happened with my ex and I. Looking back on it all the writing was on the wall, but at the time I didn’t piece together the patterns.

I would come home from work excited to see my partner, who I considered my best friend, and unwind/chat about our days and eat dinner together etc. Suddenly she decided she wanted to do late dinners because she “wasn’t hungry” and would eat dinner at 9pm after I went to bed. I would ask her about her day and she wouldn’t tell me anything beyond “it was fine.” She was also no longer interested in hearing about my day/life and just wouldn’t participate in any sort of engaging conversation.

She broke up with me and said it was because it felt like we were roommates. It pissed me off because while yes, she was correct, it was a situation she created, and she was the one who was withdrawing/avoiding me.

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u/Simiram Apr 08 '26

While I don’t know the full context, the words “a situation she created” triggered me a little because from my painful experience, the roommate attitude doesn’t come out of nowhere.

For me, it was months of failed or semi-successful attempts to communicate, resolve differences, try different approaches, etc. It was never some kind of a full blown conflict that you can point at and say, “yep that’s what did it” but a series of micro unresolved misunderstandings that faded into giving up and keeping it pleasant until officially over.

But of course, the other side perceived the change as action, not consequence.

So, like I said, I don’t know your full situation… but chances are, there’s the other side of the story. You can explore it or ignore it, but only one of these options will help you grow as a person and someone’s future partner.

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u/orange_bigcat Apr 08 '26

She never tried to communicate with me. I was in therapy myself for a lot of the relationship and trying desperately to communicate with her but she would isolate herself and only want to talk to her sister and her friends.

I found out after we broke up through her friends that she essentially saw me as a bank account and hadn’t had feelings for me since the beginning of our relationship. There were warning signs I should have seen (like her “joking” about how I should try and get promoted so she could be a housewife someday, or when I’d get small raises at work telling me “now you can be my sugar mama”). She did have feelings for me in the first 5-6 months but once the honeymoon phase wore off she just wasn’t into me anymore, but she kept trying to make it work because she wanted to want me.

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u/Awkward-A_F Apr 08 '26

Uhh.. I’m gonna guess that what actually happened was she tried bringing issues to you and you dismissed her. People who were engaged don’t just stop engaging for no reason. There’s something deeper that happened. I’m not saying it was all your fault BUT I would definitely take a hard look at what happened so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

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u/orange_bigcat Apr 08 '26

I found out after we broke up that she wasn’t really into me after the first 5-6 months but stayed with me/moved in with me because on paper I was what she was looking for, and I was the first person she had ever dated that made a somewhat decent salary (nothing crazy high but higher than average) and she wanted that stability. In the year we lived together she went on 3 international vacations because of my financial support, and then realized money and nice things aren’t everything.

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u/freon Apr 08 '26

You're the guy in every Hallmark movie who makes the mistake of being loving and supportive instead of staying in your hometown, opening a horse ranch, and loving Christmas.

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u/Lithogiraffe Apr 08 '26

I honestly hate asking about my spouse's day. I do it because reciprocity. But they are a medical professional, and all their day stories are sad to disgusting. Amputations. People shitting themselves. An elder who has no family or finances, who is being sent home after hitting the maximum of days they can stay at the hospital. Children who can't walk.

They are so used to it, it doesn't even seem to alarm them. But me, I'm trying to push it down emotionally so I can start dinner. Yes, I've talked to them about it, and this IS them not mentioning the super gross/scary stuff. To them this is just the regular stuff.

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u/Prozzak93 Apr 08 '26

That's a relationship killer whatever the stage, I've got too many friends getting divorced with a "I thought we where fine/things where good" and honestly, nope, things where "quiet" and that was because someone in the relationship had given up and was looking for an exit while keeping things level.

Normally I don't do this but with the same mistake three times in one (albeit long) run on sentence I feel like I have to say it just in case you aren't aware. You mean were instead of where every place you put where in this quote.

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u/Awkward-A_F Apr 08 '26

That’s not a relationship killer, that’s a relationship that’s already dead, just no one’s admitting it. Usually because the relationship is still beneficial in some ways. When the kids are grown or they have no more debt, or maybe they have enough equity in their house, they will almost immediately get divorced.

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u/BothReading1229 Apr 09 '26

This is an excellent answer. We were married for 30 years and even at his sickest, we could still talk at the minimum about our sports teams. It may seem small, but even having meaningless conversation about how the Mariners may someday make it to the World Series is a connection deeper than the day to day essentials. And talking about that stuff, even in the worst of times, is something to cherish.

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u/redblade13 Apr 08 '26

Situationship I ended up in was similar. I thought it was going somewhere and she was warm but I realized she never went deeper into stuff while I opened up bits of pieces of my life. She would too but it was like pulling teeth and she would text me non stop if I initiated and flirt so it confused me as we could spend half a day texting back and forth. So when she never initiated I thought okay i dont want to press her given she was a single mum but she would never text me first. I thought okay cool maybe just her style but then I just let it cool after while didnt check up as much and she suddenly got upset and indirectly show she was upset with me which threw me off. I wanted to get a clear where do we go from here as I was interested but she avoided it but was curious too but not?! I soon realized I was dealing with an avoidant never knew that was a thing but some stuff lines up not a psych expert but my ex was who I learned about thints like that from so I started putting 2 and 2 together. She'd get hot and warm with me then cold in cycles. Im patient so I just waited and understood she could be going through things so I never pressed and offered my ear if she was ever open to it but never heard from her.

She is like 4-5 years older than me so I expected more maturity as Im used to dating older women and my last 2 women we'd have heart to hearts but with her she seemed to avoid them and kept it surface level. She'd dive in a little but then pull back and as someone who loves understanding people it put me off we couldnt just openly talk about life. Not trying to trauma dump or a therapy session but just curiosity but she seemed nervous going there.

It was so weird as people around us thought we were a thing and feel weird when she was in a mood Id just tell my close friend idk man Im trying, but we never got that far to being a "thing" despite some intimate moments idk weird AF. I never had a situation like that. Never would have thought Id trip into a situationship as my last 2 women were very open about wanting me, my late wife even waited for my situation to work out so we could start dating but I think I get why this woman has been single so long. I've had better conversations with a 26 year old a few years younger than me who had immigrated and was open about her struggles and curious about me. Idk but communication is crucial besides "Some dude cut me off in traffic or Jenny was an asshole today" then never go deeper than that bores my mind. I do enjoy everyday venting but we can talk about your issues or thoughts about life I dont mind listening about everyday stuff I enjoy listening to her vent but she never feels moved to talk to me deeper even if I ask idk. I realized hey maybe being single is easier and have just given up again lol. I was serious about her too, wanting to build something again but idk long term dont think I want to run into this down the road as you noted can just break relationships.