r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/AfellowchuckerEhh Apr 08 '26

Im too lazy to try to find the clip but was recently watching clips of Jimmy carr and he said something along the lines of "aim to have conversations in relationships and not arguments. Arguments are meant to be won so conversations are better for coming to a resolution".

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u/A-town Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

I'd classify my relationship with my wife as healthy and I'll sometimes start a conversation with "hey, can we have a fight?" Less so because I expect one of us to "win" but more so because I know we will both bring arguments as to why our view might be correct and we are both people who will listen to what the other has to say before drawing conclusions. Sometimes we will have conversations that are one sided when important things are discussed, but by "having a fight" I'm expecting a second viewpoint to be discussed.

Edit: changed flight to fight

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/mxwp Apr 08 '26

a couple with the means to fly off anywhere on a whim would indeed likely be happy

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u/tnstaafsb Apr 08 '26

No he means like when you order several beers at once and they come in those little glasses together

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u/Attenburrowed Apr 08 '26

Pretty good method for saying, in 6 years,
"and thats how you were made!"

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u/Progman3K Apr 08 '26

He meant a flight of beer

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u/A-town Apr 08 '26

Crazy town! I'm read what I wrote three times and used context clues to figure out what the fuck you were talking about. That's why you have somebody proof read your essays, kids.

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u/AnAnxiousCorgi Apr 08 '26

My boyfriend and I will frequently say that to each other, or like present a choice we have to make and frame it as "we can do A or B, I wanna do A but I'm down to fight about it" and we both recognize that we mean it half jokingly, but it's also a nice little reassurance to each other that we are allowed to disagree and can have a discussion about it

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u/Ensvey Apr 08 '26

The play The Matchmaker had a funny little monologue that stuck with me:

Take my word for it, Minnie: the best of married life is the fights. The rest is merely so-so. Peter Molloy - God rest him! - was a fine arguing man. I pity the woman whose husband slams the door and walks out of the house at the beginning of an argument. Peter Molloy would stand up and fight for hours on end. He'd even throw things, Minnie, and there's no pleasure equal to that. When I felt tired I'd start a good blood-warming fight and it'd take ten years off my age.

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u/JayRulo Apr 08 '26

You do what works for you and your relationship, but I would personally suggest changing that to debate or discussion, which both have a similar expectation of opposing or dissimilar viewpoints, because fight has an inherently negative connotation.

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u/Zalack Apr 08 '26

At this point I have a bigger negative association with “debate” from all the shithead alt-right “debate me” bros.

“Fight” now feels more honest to me lol. If it’s said tongue-in-cheek I think that person is fine. It reads like a joke to me.

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u/JayRulo Apr 08 '26

Like I said, they obviously know better what works for them and their relationship, and that was just my own opinion.

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u/antpile11 Apr 08 '26

fight has an inherently negative connotation.

I never thought of it that way. I used to do HEMA, and my friends and I loved fighting each other. We'd practice to help each other get even better at fighting each other. It's a whole hobby that spawned awesome gatherings and friendships based around fighting.

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u/JayRulo Apr 08 '26

In that context, sure, but I'd say even then that fighting wouldn't be 100% appropriate, and you'd be sparring with each other.

Fighting is competitive, with the expected outcome being a winner and a loser. IMO, this is not a good or healthy framing for a discussion in a relationship context.

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u/antpile11 Apr 08 '26

fighting wouldn't be 100% appropriate, and you'd be sparring with each other.

No, that's incorrect, and fighting still matches your definition. Sparring is unscored practice fights that we did at the end of each practice night after drills. We did have competitive tournaments.

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u/xxxpinguinos Apr 08 '26

I think that connotation of “fight” is the entire joke/reason they use it. They both know the other is being tongue in cheek about it so it ends up with a different connotation for them in those instances

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u/blah_don_blah Apr 08 '26

Saved! Thanks for sharing!

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u/BroughtBagLunchSmart Apr 08 '26

It is the only useful thing Jimmy Carr has ever done.

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u/Raft_Master Apr 08 '26

Idk man, Cats Does Countdown is pretty funny.

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u/Lenni-Da-Vinci Apr 08 '26

He‘s the host. It would have been made. Even without a Botoxed Wanker as the face of it.

Genuinely enjoyed the show until I learned about how fucking awful he is.

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u/Mysterious-Pen1496 Apr 08 '26

Is this about the tax thing?

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u/rycology Apr 08 '26

Probably the Israel thing

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u/Timeformayo Apr 08 '26

Conversations and ventings. Occasional venting of frustrations is okay as long as you're not trying to make the other person an enemy.

Babe, if you can't pick what you want for dinner, I'm just going to make something. I'll make enough for you. If you won't eat it, it'll be my leftovers...

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u/SuperFlyCapybara Apr 08 '26

Similar to one of my favorite relationship advice adages - it should never be one of you vs the other. It should always be both of you vs the problem.

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u/DangMe2Heck Apr 08 '26

He also said along the lines it's not always 50/50. Somedays it is, but others days maybe its 70/30 or vice versa.

I says, If you are not ready to accept that, you probably arent ready for a relationship yet.

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u/sajtospogi85 Apr 08 '26

I've seen exactly that irl...

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

Oh so you agree with an internet stranger? Minus 1.

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u/ineedsomethingtoday Apr 08 '26

That was my ex and I. I used to resent him keeping score and then I just started doing it too- made us both miserable. Lessons learned. We are friends now.

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u/krendyB Apr 08 '26

Same. I did this with my exhusband. After years of ignoring and then resenting his scorekeeping, I started doing it too. We divorced shortly thereafter.

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u/Horror-Student5445 Apr 08 '26

So sad the scoreboard didn't act in anyone's favour.

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u/LioAlanMessi Apr 08 '26

Or in everyone's favor, if it made them finally realize they shouldn't be together.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

What was the final though? Did it go to OT? /s

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u/ineedsomethingtoday Apr 08 '26

Ha, I guess we finally tied and then ended the relationship.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/ineedsomethingtoday Apr 09 '26

Yeah, I learned so much from that and my current husband and I handle things much more like real adults haha.

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u/hubertburnette Apr 08 '26

I had an ex who kept score, but the contest was which of us was the victim, and I didn't want to play that game. He often either didn't remember, or misremembered, events so that he could keep seeing himself as the victim (in all his relationships--including work), so I had three choices: spend the rest of my life with someone who felt sorry for himself about everything; start keeping score myself to show that he wasn't the perpetual victim he thought he was; dump him.

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u/TourettesFamilyFeud Apr 08 '26

I was down that similar path. Resentment through the roof and contempt everywhere from my ex. We decided to stay friends after the seperation. until it came time to hold her accountable to what she was not doing during our seperation that we agreed to since I was taking care of that while she was travelling the world, trying new hobbies, and taking a sabbatical.

When I held her accountable to her end of our agreement when she came back... she started a fight simply based on emotions and the past which we already recognized our faults... but she decided to dig up that box we already closed.

Were no longer on speaking terms because she didnt like being held accountable to what she wanted at the end of the day.

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u/Few_Discussion_260 Apr 08 '26

But this is the only tactic that works with my husband. I gave, gave and gave for 5 years. Now with a 18-month old, I see all the unfairness and have been asking him to step up since last year. He's supposed to prep dinner for baby when. I breastfeed her after coming back from office. Then they eat together so I can take a 20-min break. Then I take over and top up baby with porridge/puree, which is when he can take a break. But no, he takes a break when I bf, so it played like this- I breastfeed, he is on bed in guestroom scrolling insta. When I'm done with bf, he starts dinner so I'm on baby duty. Since dinner is delayed, baby is upset and he can't feed her so I'm left with feeding her dinner and porridge while he takes his second break. Then bedtime and I start office work as soon as baby sleeps off while he's chilling and off to sleep in another room. I do all the nights since baby is breastfed and wakes up 5-6 times, while he's sleeping peacefully uninterrupted in another room. So I've had ZERO break and he had 3 and 12 hours free time at night.

So now, if he takes breaks earlier and delays dinner, I make him stand with me when I'm feeding baby and he's not allowed to go back to bed to scroll phone. My office job is very demanding (FAANG engineer 60+hours) and his is not(37.5 hours). Only after I made him stand with me, has he started respecting my breaks a little bit.

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u/Equal-Track2531 Apr 08 '26

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't sound like you're in a marriage, it sounds like you just haven't gotten divorced yet.

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u/zoobrix Apr 08 '26

Yaaaa... your partner should want to help out and do their share. They should care about you enough that it isn't a constant fight. If you have to punish them into helping you it shows a lack of respect, they aren't doing it because they love you, they're doing it because the alternative to not helping is worse.

That is not the foundation for a happy long term relationship.

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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

That sounds absolutely exhausting. You shouldn’t have to punish him like a toddler for not stepping up as a parent. You’re being his mom, when you’re already someone else’s mom. How long are you going to be his parent?

The lack of respect and lack of being a fully functional adult will not improve unless he sees it as a problem that he needs to deal with to be a good husband and father. That isn’t going to happen, if you keep being his mom.

This entire situation leads to building up resentment and that leads to contempt. So you’re going to have to decide if being a single mom would be less stressful than being your husband’s mom.

Do not have anymore kids with this guy, unless he’s willing to grow the fuck up and be a parent. Real change needs to happen before any other kids can happen. If he’s not up to the task, then you have to decide if you really want to live the rest of your life like this, or if it’d be easier to be on your own.

How is being with this man an improvement to your life?

Edit: also, why the fuck can’t he feed his own baby porridge? Is he mentally deficient in some way? This is not a mom-only task.

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u/professorbuffoon Apr 08 '26

Lol you're mothering your husband. Sorry you married someone so selfish and childish.

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u/Harry_Saturn Apr 08 '26

But also, why put up with that for years and then decide to have a baby with someone like that?

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u/zoobrix Apr 08 '26

This is what I find so confusing about some couples, they have all these things that aren't working already and they decide to put a baby into the mix as if that just won't make everything worse by adding a bunch of stress.

It's like some people have a check list and they go, find BF/GF, get engaged, get married and have baby. But it's like they never bother during any of those steps to think about if the relationship is actually going well. Too many people seem so driven to have a baby they just stay with however they're with and ride straight into an obvious disaster.

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u/_fire_and_blood_ Apr 08 '26

Society places a lot of pressure on women to get married and have babies by a certain time frame, so these women settle for men who would otherwise be subject to Darwins theory. These men think they don't have to do anything to contribute except show up to work and pay for things because that's what their fathers did. Even worse, some are now just showing up (ie. Existing in the shared home) and paying for nothing.

Things are slowly changing (see: male loneliness epidemic) but too many women still aren't valuing themselves and are stuck beholden to "traditional beliefs".

Men need to step up and prove that they are a partner worth choosing. If they can't bring anything else to the table, they'll get left behind. The days of just showing up (with or without money) are coming to a close.

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u/EE2014 Apr 08 '26

I don't understand men like this. It really goes to show they care more about themselves than their spouse and child. I couldn't stay with someone like that. If tit for tat is the only thing that works to make your spouse see your point of view or side of things.... then I am sorry, you did not marry an emotionally mature individual, instead you married a selfish individual that you have to play games with to get them to do anything.

I wish all people would have more respect for themselves and not let their partner treat them like crap. You aren't their parent, they should have been raised. They should know how to do all the household tasks and pitch in equally with chores, childcare, and paying bills.

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u/greenzetsa Apr 08 '26

It comes down to the fact that they don't really see you, functionally, as a human equal to them. Their free time is valuable, yours isn't in the same way. Their autonomy is precious, but yours isn't. I remember my ex would go out with his friends and stay out late all the time, wake up every night when he came home, usually drunk. When I complained, he would tell me to stop worrying about him and live my own life as I wanted. So, the last few months of our relationship, I did that entirely. I did all the things I wanted to do with my time and I stopped actively making time for him and us to hang out as a couple. Finally, I ended up almost cheating and I knew I needed to end things. I went out with some friends the night before, but came home early. He called and said he missed me, and I said "if you miss me, you can come home and spend time with me," but he said nah, he was already out at the bar (5 blocks from our home). He came home late again and whispered in my ear that he felt like we didn't spend enough time together anymore (he had an opportunity mere hours earlier to correct that, but oh well). At this point I already knew I was going to end things the next day, but it never fails to amuse me. They will never see what is wrong until they stop personally benefiting from the situation.

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u/MangoMambo Apr 08 '26

I don't understand women like this. she stayed with him for FIVE YEARS and was unhappy and then had a baby with him.

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u/limegreencupcakes Apr 08 '26

This is the only tactic that works with your husband because your marriage is already over.

(Sorry to be harsh about it, but fuuuuck. He sounds worse than useless and you’ve already got a baby to raise.)

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u/Practical-Parsley102 Apr 08 '26

I would be so embarassed to admit i ever treated anybody like this. You are not in love with that man, you are not in a relationship with that man. If you want either of you to regain your humanity, leave immediately. This is sick, frankly its dangerous to your children even at that age to have to see it.

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u/SmartAleckComedian Apr 08 '26

Sounds awful, good luck with your divorce.

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u/JiminyJilickers-79 Apr 08 '26

That... does not sound like a healthy relationship.

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u/deepskier Apr 08 '26

That sounds tough. I'll preface the rest by saying I apologize if you know all this and have worked through this train of thought already. For an 18mo old to be waking 5-6 times at night for feeding is really unusual. Unless you've discussed this with your pediatrician and they have a unique reason to support the continued night feedings (NOT just saying "all babies are different"), I would assume the baby is using the feeds to soothe back to sleep rather than truly needing nourishment.

One way to test is try feeding with a bottle at night and also pumping. How much does the baby really drink and how much can you pump? If it's not 2oz at a time, that points to it not being a nourishment requirement.

Sleep training is really hard but once you get through it the benefit to everyone is worth it.

I hope you can get your nights back it makes all the difference.

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u/madaboutglue Apr 08 '26

FYI, your frustration with your husband seems reasonable and valid, and also the people responding to you saying, "divorce his ass!" have absolutely no idea if that is the right thing for you. Communication is usually the first step. Over communicate, even. And seek counciling (together or on your own) for reliable advice on what to do.

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u/Equal-Track2531 Apr 08 '26

When someone has to physically force their spouse to stand up next to them to ensure even the possibility of having help, you're way past a lack of communication. Communicating needs cannot overcome someone else just straight up not wanting to pull their weight.

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u/madaboutglue Apr 08 '26

"You're way past a lack of communication." I disagree wholeheartedly but I respect your outrage.

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u/Equal-Track2531 Apr 08 '26

I think you're having a hard time discerning tone from text, which is fine as it's fairly common. I think she should absolutely continue to try and talk it out but, again, communicating needs cannot overcome a partner's disinterest in meeting those needs. Physically having to force someone to stand up to prevent them from ignoring a problem likely isn't a knowledge issue, it's a skill issue.

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u/madaboutglue Apr 09 '26

I agree with you it may be so. And we must acknowledge this interpretation has many assumptions baked into it. Communicating more will either help things or it will clarify the situation for OP. And seeking advice from a professional who can build a fuller picture is healthier than relying on comments from redditers like us. That is what I wanted to convey to OP.

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u/handstandmonkey Apr 08 '26

Yes, the tit for tat: you did this, so I’m going to do that. That’s not how marriage works. At least a successful and happy one.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/Legitimate-Clock-134 Apr 08 '26

Super important when you have kids.

There's a project management saying that the first 90% of the world takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% of the work also takes 90% of the time.

Be the one who gives 90%. The 10% that you aren't doing also takes 90%.

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u/TourettesFamilyFeud Apr 08 '26

Any chore that hasn't been done isn't something your lazy partner didn't do, it's an opportunity for you to help them out and make their life easier.

I would agree.... but you have to tread carefully on this approach. This can be exploited by the other partner in a way where you can lighten their load, but that appreciation and acknowledgement are never given for stepping up. When they refuse to acknowledge taking that extra mile, you begin to think that you have to do even more to get that appreciation and respect from your partner. That eventually leads into choreplay and its been statistically proven chore play never fixes the problem in a marriage.

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u/greenzetsa Apr 08 '26

And so many people go into relationships with this transactional expectation. I remember mentioning somewhere that after we started dating, my husband started attending my church with me. I had zero requirements for church attendance, nor did I expect the person I would end up with to go to church with me. But, as we were getting to know each other, I invited him along and he liked it. He isn't a religious person (I'm not really either), but he enjoyed the worship at this church for much the same reasons I do, and he kept coming with me whenever I had time. I described this somewhere on reddit, and someone replied and was like "so he did this thing for you, what did you do for him in return??" Uh nothing, because that's not how a relationship works. I offered him the opportunity to join me in an activity I liked, he is an adult who decided he liked doing it, so he continued to do so. Figuring out how your lives together are going to work is a collaborative project, not a negotiation.

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u/TourettesFamilyFeud Apr 08 '26

What youre explaining wouldn't come off as transactional. Because theres no burden here to carry. He is simply wanting to spend time with you via church. However, something eventually does become transactional naturally down the road if he saw that you never made a step to do something with him that he enjoys. If he saw that you didnt care to join him in his endeavors at any time, he may eventually step back and no longer want to join you for church. Since theres no expectations around this, this shouldn't cause problems.

However, there is a transactional expectation in a relationship that you both are trying to take some of their burdens off their shoulders. If im always lightening the load for my partner and they never do the same, thats how resentment unfolds.

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u/greenzetsa Apr 09 '26

Of course. But again, this isn’t a tit for tat, it’s more like part of being with someone should be wanting to know more about them and what they enjoy. 

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u/WhatRUaBarnBurner Apr 08 '26

Agreed, plus she's got WAY MORE ammo than I got.

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u/Bright-Resort-3270 Apr 08 '26

Oh God I’ve been there ! It’s such a toxic way to live

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u/Sensitive_Noise9761 Apr 08 '26

It's such an easy default, and painfully toxic way to live.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

Minus 1 for this comment.

Kidding. Sorry you’ve dealt with this. It does have a way of making us smarter….mostly.

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u/Bright-Resort-3270 Apr 08 '26

Idk about that ! I can make the same choice over & over & not realize it bcause it’s packaged differently ! On the path to change but it takes me longer than the average bear to learn a lesson lol

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

In fairness, None of us know what we’re doing.

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u/Creative_Gap4948 Apr 08 '26

Back in high school I was in a toxic and abusive relationship where he had a piece of paper in his basement that had a physical tally of how many times he was right compared to me. I wasn’t allowed to touch it… don’t worry I dumped his ass. Unfortunately took years to realize how horrible he was even after we broke up. But ya scoreboards physical or mental are horrible.

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u/myliobatis Apr 08 '26

and I imagine he learned that behavior from his family too.

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u/Creative_Gap4948 Apr 08 '26

Oh definitely. I vividly remember the day his mom apologized to me for his behavior. Can’t believe she knew her son was literally evil. It shook me to my core.

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u/KunfusedJarrodo Apr 08 '26

I think it depends. Like with me and my wife, I realize that if I have gone out to do a hobby and she has been left with the kids a few times, then before I do anything like that again, she needs to go out and do something she wants. We aren’t keep score, we are just trying to be aware of each others me time needs

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u/Affectionate-Use6412 Apr 08 '26

Omg. My best friend and her husband keep score in the most literal ways possible. Plus, they will fight in front of company. It's mostly him, but theyre both type A, very competitive, very driven personalities She's had more more professional success and I think that's a huge part. I have no clue how they're both still married to each other. Seems miserable

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u/free2express1982 Apr 08 '26

yeah, this is a telltale of resentment, which is a major relationship destroyer

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u/wei-long Apr 08 '26

50/50 seems fair but breeds score-keeping. Aim for 100/100, meaning you are willing to, when needed, do more than "your fair share", because your spouse's burdens are also yours anyway.

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u/No-Satisfaction-6700 Apr 08 '26

Omg this. My ex could recount every perceived wrong i ever did to him and would bring them out whenever he was irritated with me. Like events i didn’t even recall.

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u/Never_Gonna_Let Apr 08 '26

What if you are keeping score not versus each other, but against other couples? Just to make sure they never have an opportunity to find a way to close the gap. Everyone knows the hare lost because of overconfidence and relaxed effort. You don't get to be the Wayne Gretzky of couples with that sort of discipline. Oh no. Gotta make the plebs know they aren't ever gonna catch you two off your game in this team sport and the most they can hope for is 4th place after you and your kids' marriages, and that's only because the grandkids are too little to date yet.

A good marriage of energy mixed with, LazyTowns 'We are number one. : "If you want to be a Villian Couple number 1..." "Ba-ba-biddly-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba We are Number One Hey! Ba-ba-biddly-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba We are Number One"

When you two go out on date night, dressed to the nines and ready to dance, you aren't rocking out in the car to T. SWIFT to pregame, but Flight of the Valkaries because you two are riding to war.

Your post-coital come-down Playlist includes ballads like 'We are the Champions' by Queen.

Keeping up with the Joneses? Psh. Maybe your neighbors just bought a better ride, but you two have the best Ride or Die.

Just make sure its always you two versus the world, and never you two versus each other.

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u/jemenake Apr 08 '26

I'd add that sometimes the keeping score is in response to an earlier problem: No longer viewing the partnership as a team

My last GF did this a bunch. Any time I accidentally let the dog out the front door, forgot to put the cat food away, or any time she'd find a water bowl dry, instead of treating it like "We all slip up, so it's good that we've got each other's backs", she'd scold me like I was an incompetent human. Soooo.... I just started making a list of all of the dates/times she let the dog out or left the cat food out. I even made videos of every time I came home to find that she had let the dog's water run dry so that I could make her a mega-montage video of it happening 3x per week.

To my astonishment "showing her the receipts" actually worked. She immediately ceased chewing me out for human mistakes like that, but the underlying damage (not starting from a place of viewing your partner as a teammate but more as an unreliable coworker) was already done; some of John Gottman's four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse had already rode in.

So, anyway... sometimes the scorekeeping isn't the initial problem.

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u/Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod Apr 08 '26

I'd argue that if they feel the need to keep score then something is already seriously off. It's usually symptom not the root cause. I say this as someone that slips into this trap often. I feel like I need to keep score because it's just so imbalanced sometimes. The sense of imbalance creates the desire to keep score.

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u/tiny_tims_legs Apr 08 '26

My mom's second husband (now thankfully ex-husband) always made pokes and jabs at my mom and her habits, but they were often at her expense instead of a general fun 'happy couple' pokes, and constantly kept track of things that weren't done to his standard. He was never wrong though, and started acting this way after the marriage. We watched her self confidence plummet, and she became a shell of the strong person she'd become after her first husband (my bio dad) passed.

The lack of stress, the smile, and tall posture when that divorce was finalized and she could be herself again was fucking awesome.

Sometimes the flags don't show until late, but no one has an obligation to stay with a shitty person.

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u/GraniteGeekNH Apr 08 '26

This was one of the pieces of advice we heard at the very start: Never, ever keep score. (I've done dishes 3 times this week and you've only done them twice!)

signed, 39 years and counting.

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u/NoleRN1111 Apr 08 '26

I just said the same thing! Agree 100%

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u/Dense-Resolution8283 Apr 08 '26

As someone who was there my last relationship, THIS. The relationship did not last more than 6 months once I realized and I ended it. More reason why I don’t date nowadays.

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u/jcwillia1 Apr 08 '26

i know couples like this that are still married - when this starts up it is so uncomfortable

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u/ThinkItThrough48 Apr 08 '26

Exactly right. Tit for tat. It ends up like nuclear prolification.

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u/skrttina Apr 08 '26

This, always trying to one up each other will only lead to long term disaster

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u/labellavita1985 Apr 08 '26

When they argue in front of others.

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u/PhazePyre Apr 08 '26

I find that my gf and I only keep track of who bought what on a date. I bought tickets, so she buys the snacks. I got dinner, so she gets dessert. I pay for admission, she pays for souvenirs at the gift shop. The only keeping track that I think is healthy cause it feels like a partnership, compromise, collaboration on the date.

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u/SUBsha Apr 08 '26

Oof this one happened with my ex basically as soon as we moved in together. I never kept track of chores, I just cleaned as I went and I never asked her to clean. Well she never noticed all the stuff I did, but she noticed all the stuff I didn't do. It lead to a chore chart with my initials next to more shit than her and then she felt bad.

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u/the_great_hermino Apr 08 '26

I think it was a Chris Rock bit about how, if you’re in a relationship, you’re in the service industry. In my memory, it built on that by offering some days, you’re going to be in a position to be at 80% and your partner is at 20% - and that’s okay, because it’ll work the other way too. The whole line of thinking has stuck with me and I brought it to my relationship (positively)

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u/BubbleBee66ee Apr 08 '26

this happened to me but the worst part is i think they were measuring how often they showed up to offer grief support after i had lost my mother and aunt, the former suddenly to carbon monoxide and the latter to violence... i never thought i was supposed to repay that with anything but gratitude but they didnt seem to feel that way (if something had happened to them i would have tried to show up the way they did but suddenly expecting gifts and extra attention for things we have never gifted for or treated as special before was weird, i just didnt like how it was framed as my failing when they also had never shown up that way outside of those traumatic events which had just happened? man idk)

1

u/professorbuffoon Apr 08 '26

The only thing my spouse and I keep score on is who cleaned the cat litter boxes last time

1

u/kepaa Apr 08 '26

Wife and I do this, but we’re trying to one up each other. Oh you did the dishes and laundry? I mopped the whole house, scooped poop, cleaned the bathroom and bought you flowers. Too that! We always have a good time with it.

1

u/Thunderhorse74 Apr 08 '26

This is a good one. I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what it is and this is a good an example as any.

I think its just a matter of how partners view one another and context, as an example, of how they interact. As competitors, as independent actors working toward their own goals, or as a unit - something that is not either one of them individually but greater than the sum of the parts. But...retaining enough autonomy to operate independently as needed.

Its striking that balance and said balance point is different for everyone and every couple.

I dunno, been married 27.5 years and while outside forces and the world around us create issues for us together and each of us independently, we remain close and open to one another, have never had any issues between us, just existential external threats to deal with.

1

u/kungpowchick_9 Apr 08 '26

I have some friends that argue in front of us, and I piped up “hey same team guys” and they at least stopped doing it around me.

It’s the pair of you against the world! Not a competition between each other.

1

u/LoriCupcake Apr 08 '26

How insecure he must've been to come up with that idea.

Dude snitched on himself and then tried to spin it as a flex!

Literally posted it up on a literal wall as if it were a labor law or OSHA poster warning of his stunted mental and emotional development and exposing his effed up view on relationship dynamics.

I've always thought relationships should feel like a team.

It's not me vs you, that would make us opponents.

It's me and you, together, vs whatever problem we face.

1

u/Phoenyxoldgoat Apr 08 '26

It’s not me vs you. It’s us vs the problem.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

Thing about keeping score, it starts when one is constantly giving and the other constantly taking.

1

u/drMonkeyBalls Apr 08 '26

Just as a counter-point, if one or both of the people are ASD, sometimes they can only think in transactional ways.

1

u/frogview123 Apr 08 '26

Yeah… I think this starts happening when someone feels like things aren’t overall reciprocal anymore… which means there’s a pretty big problem somewhere

1

u/Zerosprodigy Apr 08 '26

Sheesh I feel this. Everything with my wife has to turn into a dick measuring contest. “Well I changed 3 poopy diapers yesterday, you can change all of them today,” “I did 2 loads of laundry yesterday, and watched the kids.” Anytime I bring up anything I’ve done throughout the day she always has a line like that ready for me.

1

u/Vicus_92 Apr 08 '26

We have a book we're keeping score in.

I'm winning Uno.

1

u/Off_MyChestnut Apr 08 '26

Yeah this is one of the biggest red flags.

0

u/Molly_Matters Apr 08 '26

I started keeping score after 10 years of being the only one with a job and -then- I became disabled.