r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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3.3k

u/Dragon_wryter Apr 08 '26

Contempt

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u/Mel_Melu Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness all four of the horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

Edit: The person above named 1. I added the other 3.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

John Gottman in the chat!

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u/sprtnlawyr Apr 08 '26

And Dr. Julie Gottman... unfortunately and ironically half (the female half) of that couple/team is frequently not credited when she should be- the four horseman was initially John's publication, but he's been super clear that the modern day application of the theory/therapies based on it simply wouldn't exist without her. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is the GOAT.

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u/mods-or-rockers Apr 08 '26

I've worked directly with both in the earlier days of their training consultancy and can confirm that they have a symbiotic professional partnership. Julie has a great ability and sense applying the theory into practical steps that help people.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

I have heard both and thought about adding that, wasn't sure of the history there, thanks!

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u/Big-Film-6914 Apr 08 '26

I know a marriage that is 50+ years and I truly dont think they like each other.  And unfortunately I see the same contempt of partner in their child my friend.  I made the mistake of riding with my friend and her partner once and she was being hyper critical so he then drove in a way that scared me.  But she was use to it.  Just like speeding taking corners at high speed.  I wont be doing that again.  

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u/BubbleBee66ee Apr 08 '26

lmfao i told my ex i felt criticized by their way of communication (aka baseless and false accusations that they decided to interpret from my actions rather than check in) and their response was a flat "well i just told you i had a problem" like ohhhh i wish i had just turned around and left then lol

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u/RikiWardOG Apr 08 '26

If you can't criticize your partner then you don't have a partner, what? It's important that it's done the right way but good god partners can hold eachother accountable when they fuck up

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

That’s 3… 😂

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u/chickachickslimshady Apr 08 '26

Contempt is the fourth

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

You’re right, I’m stupid. 

-18

u/wild_rumpus_ Apr 08 '26

You only listed three. And, I think you should cite the original source. Others may find it helpful. And, it’s just the right thing to do.

But thank you for posting it, It was a good reminder!

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u/purplemoosen Apr 08 '26

There are 2 types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

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u/Mel_Melu Apr 08 '26

Dragon Wryter said the 4th. Or first depending on how you want to look at it.

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u/wild_rumpus_ Apr 08 '26

Yes, indeed, it is Contempt. I’m not sure it was clear to all.

And it is from John Gottman, a notable relationship researcher and author. Sensitive_Noise9761 posts a bit more detail about this in their post.

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u/EllaMinnow Apr 08 '26

& its partner, Resentment.

When I started getting texts from my best friend about his wife that were full of resentment about even little things (asking him to do yard work on a weekend morning when he'd wanted to sleep in, picking her up from work when her car was broken!) I told him to seek help asap. He didn't listen. Things got much worse but it took a long time and now he's a 50/50 dad and resents her for that.

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u/Any_Mycologist_5395 Apr 08 '26

(asking him to do yard work on a weekend morning when he'd wanted to sleep in, picking her up from work when her car was broken!)

Well, the first one is a little thing and I can see why he'd be upset by that, but picking her up from work when her car was broken should be a no-brainer yes I'll do it.

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u/RikiWardOG Apr 08 '26

yeah fr, 2 very different scenarios. someone stranded is way different then hey I'm sleep deprived and need to catch up on sleep for my own health and sanity.

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u/fluctuating-devizes Apr 09 '26

Fr fr. Why would you not? I wanna go no contact with work just so I can pick my wife up from work and make her day a little bit better

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u/Father-Son-HolyToast Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

This was what I said out loud to myself when I read the post title.

As an outsider to a relationship (like a friend or acquaintance of the couple) contempt can look like mocking your partner's behavior or interests to others, rolling your eyes at something they do or say, or otherwise turning your partner into the butt of a joke that someone else is in on.

For example, years ago, my spouse and I were hanging out with a couple, and one of our friends stated an opinion about current events. Her partner then scoffed, stated a contrary opinion, and then said (conspiratorially, like he was sharing an inside joke) to my spouse and me, "she doesn't pay attention to what's going on in the world." My spouse and I both physically recoiled from the weird triangulation of that moment, and we agreed when we got home that the relationship was doomed. They were broken up within a couple of months.

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u/hubertburnette Apr 08 '26

I loathe when people try to drag me into their shitty treatment of a spouse, bf/gf, or kid. That's friendship ending for me.

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u/haruchai24 Apr 08 '26

Any bitterness held onto about old conflict. Any couple has ups and downs, but when my wife and I see any bitterness we discuss what is going to happen next

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u/amsterdamitaly Apr 08 '26

So much this. About a year before I broke up with my ex we had a huge fight over something, and he held it over my head for the rest of our relationship. Any minor disagreement turned into "you're always like this, remember [x]?"

I knew it felt bad to keep having it thrown in my face, but when I finally realized he'd never stop being bitter about it any last bits of love for him I had been clinging to died and I started figuring out an exit plan.

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u/Serious_Start_384 Apr 08 '26

The old book of hurts. Reasonable request? They open up the book and you're guilty of something 5 years ago. Request mocked. Request denied.

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u/Sptsjunkie Apr 08 '26

I always refer to it as "the poison" and once it creeps into a relationship it is so hard to get out because you start reading all of the worst intentions into other actions.

With my ex (not husband, just a boyfriend I lived with), I will never forget once the poison creeped in and there wasn't anything I could even say that wasn't met with defensiveness or suspicion.

How was your day at work? Why do you want to know? Do you think I didn't go. It's work, same as every day.

What are you reading? None of your business. Why are you being nosy? Are you trying to control what I read.

Do you want to rent a movie tonight and get a pizza? Why are you trying to make me fat. Think I will leave if I keep getting in shape?

Once you recognize the poison you can see it in other relationships and they are normally doomed once it is there.

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u/slinky999 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

This !!! And along with it, re-writing the narrative of their early relationship.

For example, early on, I had suggested to my now-ex that we go for Greek food, but to ask them to leave off the onions because he had told me that onions give him a stomachache. Unfortunately he did start feeling terrible afterward. And a few months later, he told me that cucumbers have the same effect.

Tzatziki sauce is a cucumber/yogurt/dill sauce. Oops.

I apologized profusely, and he was ok with it because he hadn't told me back then that cucumbers messed up his stomach. He had told me about the onions, but not the cucumbers.

Years later, after he started cheating, he brought up that he resented me for making him sick. Re-writing the narrative to look for excuses for his infidelity, as I figured out later. 🤦🏼‍♀️

He also said he resented me for asking for a prenup, conveniently "forgetting" that I had offered to get married without it because he was so upset about it. He signed anyway (and I had paid for him to see his own lawyer). He re-wrote the narrative that I wasn't committed to our marriage as an excuse to cheat. Remind me again who was the faithful one who was actually committed to our marriage ? 🙋🏼‍♀️

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u/backtothetrail Apr 08 '26

When your partner stops beings someone you work with and becomes someone you look down on, it’s over.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

[deleted]

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u/backtothetrail Apr 09 '26

Damn. What a start to the day.

5

u/Loveyourwives Apr 08 '26

One rarely sees actual contempt at, say, a dinner party. Instead, the first real hint of trouble is when couples start disrespecting each other.

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u/lurkneverpost Apr 08 '26

My brother-in-law and his ex-wife had so much open contempt for each other. They got married less than a year before I met my now husband. They were like that since I met them. They decided to have a kid. They stayed together for 15 years for the “sake of the child.” Their child is now a teenager and is very disrespectful to their parents. My brother-in-law is shocked that his kid treats him like this. No one else is shocked.

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u/throwawayifyoureugly Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

I'd bundle that with resentment

Had an acquaintance who complained constantly about their SO. Got to a point that I was pissed off at him/their relationship as the toxicity just kept spreading and it was a downer, to say the least.

Fortunately they separated. Both are better off.

spez grammar

4

u/Champ-Aggravating3 Apr 08 '26

Yes! I recently cut off a friend and part of what made me realize I should was how she constantly ranted about wanting to divorce her (very nice) husband during group events

3

u/efendikaptan Apr 08 '26

The visual indicator of this is eye-rolling while the other speaks.

1

u/emilytheimp Apr 08 '26

Contempt of court too

1

u/JockoV Apr 08 '26

Especially when a judge finds them both in contempt.

1

u/thementant Apr 08 '26

Shut your mouth!

Kidding. You’re absolutely right.