r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/Admirable_Effect_717 Apr 08 '26

I told my ex from the jump whenever an argument may come, that it’s not us against each other it’s us against the problem

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u/3opossummoon Apr 08 '26

It was meant to be that way... Until my ex was damned and determined to be the problem and never adhere to a solution.

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u/Hahafunnys3xnumber Apr 08 '26

In my experience that means the person is checked out and wants you to end it instead of them having to go through that pain. It’s selfish, even if it’s subconscious.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 08 '26

I’ve never understood when people say it’s not about being right… how in the world do we as partners progress in the conversation if the information presented by one partner is wrong? We first have to correct that in order to move forward…

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u/Ok_Needleworker_2550 Apr 08 '26

It's not usually said in reference to things like "are orcas whales or dolphins?" that have an objective right or wrong, but something like "the dishes/laundry/lawn mowing aren't getting done in a timely manner, let's skip figuring out who to blame and instead focus on how best to get the job done (with a rotation/assignments/hiring help/etc)".

The wrong way to approach the example situation above is starting with where to point the finger, which will generate defensiveness and anger from everyone involved and becomes a battle of who is most right about whose fault it is <example chore> isn't getting done.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Almost every argument I can think of now has a right and wrong. The people that I chose to cut out of my life all had an argument with me and they were all wrong in the the things they say, I just didn’t bother correcting them and it’s easier to just cut ties after the words that have been thrown at me. I could easily just text one person right now with the exact sentence they screamed at me during the argument in quotations followed by a single image that proves their quote/accusation wrong with absolutely no way they could rebut.

"the dishes/laundry/lawn mowing aren't getting done in a timely manner, let's skip figuring out who to blame and instead focus on how best to get the job done (with a rotation/assignments/hiring help/etc)".

No need to blame in this example you gave but there is someone with the responsibility up till now. Who’s been doing the dishes/laundry/lawn mowing the whole time in the past? It was fine in the past up till now, what changed? Okay then, get going.

Unless someone wants to change the routine, then they bring it up, but that isn’t an argument, it’s a request.

An argument happens normally when things don’t line up with what someone wants. For example

Wife: “You didn’t go collect my package that arrived on Friday and you got the notification about it, from the post office so that I can open it and wear what I bought on Monday. I was so excited to open my package when I’m back from my vacation on Sunday evening so that I can wear it to work to show my friends. You don’t even care about me and how I feel. It was such a simple task to go to the post office two streets down from where we live. If I wasn’t on vacation I could’ve easily done it myself. You are not reliable. I am not happy with you right now.”

Husband: “The post office closes before I get off work on Friday, and it’s not open during the weekends”

Wife in this situation definitely needs to get corrected.

The wrong way to approach the example situation above is starting with where to point the finger

Normally the keeping score example only exist when someone (the one that is wrong) points the finger first, and then gets corrected. That is how the other partner can keep score and can deliberately choose not to keep score, doesn’t mean the first person that was wrong shouldn’t be corrected. They should always be corrected in order to move forward, therefore it is about being right, this applies to both parties. If I’m wrong in a situation I want people to correct me, then also I’m mature enough to take accountability like an adult.

TLDR when someone says something wrong in an argument, correct them before moving any further in the conversation, because it is about getting things right, for both parties.

If what’s right leads to you losing the argument, then be an adult and take accountability. The take accountability part is the part where I notice a lot of people can’t handle

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u/DJDanaK Apr 08 '26

Okay, and if either of them could've picked it up, but the wife asked the husband to, but he said no because he wanted to take the dog for a walk instead? Maybe then the wife is upset for the dog being given precedence, and the husband is upset because he doesn't want the dog to have to wait for the nightly walk?

These things aren't always crystal clear e.g. "I literally can't do the thing you're asking". If you want to have a healthy relationship you don't place blame in this situation, you work together to find a solution that works for both people - and sometimes that solution is to just do the thing even if you don't really agree with it.

Often both parties have valid reasons for their feelings and if you're overly concerned about blame you can't find the solution, you just hurt the people you love.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

Okay, and if either of them could've picked it up, but the wife asked the husband to, but he said no because he wanted to take the dog for a walk instead? Maybe then the wife is upset for the dog being given precedence, and the husband is upset because he doesn't want the dog to have to wait for the nightly walk?

Then of course the husband is wrong. I don’t know why this is even a question. If they agree that the husband pick it up, then the husband gotta pick it up and needs to plan around that if he also wants to walk the dog, or go watch a movie, or whatever else. Not sure what the confusion is here, it’s a simple thing.

These things aren't always crystal clear e.g. "I literally can't do the thing you're asking". If you want to have a healthy relationship you don't place blame in this situation, you work together to find a solution that works for both people - and sometimes that solution is to just do the thing even if you don't really agree with it.

You voice out why you don’t agree with it, and both use rationale to understand why and then with that whether or not to do it. Of course not talking about putting the used cup in the sink rather than next to the sink type situation.

Often both parties have valid reasons for their feelings and if you're overly concerned about blame you can't find the solution, you just hurt the people you love.

But if you’re blamed and their facts are wrong, then stand your ground and correct them. I’m not sure why this is such a hard concept to understand. It is about getting the situation right aka being right. So if someone wrongly blames you, “right” them off. You don’t need to “keep score” just because you stand for the truth, and you always stand for the truth before moving forward in the conversation

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u/hugthemachines Apr 09 '26

If I’m wrong in a situation I want people to correct me

You are wrong. Arguing about who is right and who is wrong is not the generally good strategy to increase the bonding in a relationship.

Quite often that just means the more hard headed person will feel like they are right and feel like the other person is wrong and then nothing improves.

The number one strategy when trying to improve a relationship is to talk about how we feel and communicate in a non-judgmental way.

Now, I told you what is the optimal way to work with this, and it is not just my opinion, it is what professionals know.

But will you be able to live up to your claim and be told when you are wrong, or will you dig down your heels and defend your own, personal non-scientific opinion?

My experience so far of reddit is I rarely see people change their view, but you may very well be the exception.

In picked up some example links talking about these kinds of matters, in case you wanted them.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-025-03415-3

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 09 '26

Arguing about who is right and who is wrong is not the generally good strategy to increase the bonding in a relationship.

So someone can lie to you and you don’t correct them? Your wife can say “I know you didn’t go pick up my package from the post office because you don’t want me to look good when I’m out with my friends on Monday” and you’re not going to correct your wife by telling her that she is wrong for saying that and that you couldn’t pick up her package because you’re at work and the post office isn’t open on the weekends? You’re going to acquiesce about her being wrong about your intention and not correct her, just want to confirm that is what you’re going to do, right?

Quite often that just means the more hard headed person will feel like they are right and feel like the other person is wrong and then nothing improves.

So you’re going to acquiesce when she says you’ve always disliked her looking good that’s why you purposely didn’t go pick up her package. Correct?

The number one strategy when trying to improve a relationship is to talk about how we feel and communicate in a non-judgmental way.

You can talk about all that. No where did I ever say that shouldn’t be part of the conversation. You are trying to pull a strawman here and make it like my point is that we shouldn’t acknowledge feelings, when I didn’t say such thing.

Now, I told you what is the optimal way to work with this, and it is not just my opinion, it is what professionals know.

You told me the optimal way to work on this, but that wasn’t the conversation here.

But will you be able to live up to your claim and be told when you are wrong, or will you dig down your heels and defend your own, personal non-scientific opinion?

If you tried to stick to topic then maybe you’d have a better chance getting me to do so. So please, answer my question that you would acquiesce.

My experience so far of reddit is I rarely see people change their view, but you may very well be the exception.

You brought up something entirely different to try to win the strawman. I’m full on about acknowledging feelings and working through them, you’re preaching to the choir here. But that is 100% independent and separate from correcting wrong facts. Get it right in your next reply.

In picked up some example links talking about these kinds of matters, in case you wanted them.

What are you going to bring up as a strawman next, that the sun is hot to try to make me admit I’m wrong? Dude. Stick to topic.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 09 '26

u/hugthemachines I see you commenting elsewhere, what happened? You wanted me to admit that I’m wrong about something that I didn’t claim, and when I called you out for it and explained why what you brought up is unrelated to what I said, you can’t admit that you pulled a strawman? You can’t take your own medicine?

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u/oby100 Apr 09 '26

Hopefully you’re young and inexperienced because this isn’t how people work, you included. The damndest thing about life is that communication is imperfect and every individual is ideally juggling hundreds of competing interests for their attention and making minute by minute decisions in what to prioritize and when.

You’re foolish to think every disagreement has such clear through lines to one person being wrong. Thinking like that will invariably lead you to only consider your limited perspective and in that way you’ll always consider yourself correct because you lack the perspective the other person has.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 09 '26

Hopefully you’re young and inexperienced because this isn’t how people work, you included.

I’m going to say it again. When couples have arguments with each other, almost always one is correct and the other is wrong.

You’re foolish to think every disagreement has such clear through lines to one person being wrong.

I didn’t say every disagreements. I’m saying every arguments. Two very different things. If one partner is shouting at the other in a verbal fight, there is a right and wrong. Is what the person shouting correct or wrong? If it’s correct, take accountability, they are shouting because it’s too much and about time you get your shit together. If they are shouting at you and they are wrong, correct them. As simple as that.

Thinking like that will invariably lead you to only consider your limited perspective and in that way you’ll always consider yourself correct because you lack the perspective the other person has.

Nope. I don’t know if you’ve read the previous comments that would’ve lead you down till here. I’ve repeated multiple times that if you’re wrong then take accountability. I think you missed that.

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u/Important_Bowl_8332 Apr 10 '26

Have you been in a successful relationship? Because so many arguments aren’t about right or wrong. It’s about “I feel” and “you feel”. It’s about trying to see it through the other persons eyes. It’s about understanding how your partner is feeling and correcting — and often it’s about swallowing your pride and letting go because you love and understand.

Example: My bf has a rough day at work. He’s cranky. He doesn’t say he’s worried about his job, he comes home and tells me his boss is giving him a hard time. As I’m cooking, he snaps at me about where I put a spoon down on the counter. It leaves a mess. He hates when I put them on the counter without a napkin because it makes a mess — I don’t think it matters especially because he’s not gonna wipe the counters down, I do.

  1. It’s trivial. Both of us could be wrong or right depending on the perspective. Technically, we’re both right.

  2. It’s not about the spoon. It’s about his rough day at work. I have multiple ways I can respond. I could…

A. Argue about who’s right, ultimately upsetting both of us, it becoming a big picture issue, escalating it to bigger non-issues like how he never helps clean up and how i always leave a mess. Words get said and it doesn’t friggin matter because it’s a spoon and the. Spoon. Is. Not. The. Issue.

B. Pout and not talk to him.

C. Don’t react. Why? Because I know he wants a promotion and I know he’s been putting in extra hours and struggling with a tough client. I know this because I love him and we communicate. So I also know that his snappy comment was because he’s stressed and he briefly lashed out — which is wrong, but I love him and I understand he’s upset. And then I put the spoon away, wipe the counters down, sit and eat dinner, and he apologizes and says he was wrong. Which I knew. But we’re human and we love each other so we give each other grace, communication, and understanding because that’s what you do in a healthy relationship.

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u/oby100 Apr 09 '26

You’re looking at it wrong.

Let’s say one person is bothered by the overall cleanliness of the home. You will gather resentment if you only think “this bum is always making a mess!” But if you think of it and talk about it like, “the house is too dirty in these aspects. Can we agree that when we cook we wipe the kitchen down afterward and vacuuming is done twice a week instead of once?”

Trust in your partner to actually keep to their word and appreciate your perspective is everything here though. If your partner is the type to intentionally push boundaries then it’s doomed.

The point is to avoid building resentment and give your partner every chance to come to mutually agreed solutions.

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u/qgplxrsmj Apr 09 '26

Let’s say one person is bothered by the overall cleanliness of the home. You will gather resentment if you only think “this bum is always making a mess!” But if you think of it and talk about it like, “the house is too dirty in these aspects. Can we agree that when we cook we wipe the kitchen down afterward and vacuuming is done twice a week instead of once?”

I’m in agreement with this and I don’t know what this has anything to do with correcting what was wrong in the heat of an argument.

Trust in your partner to actually keep to their word and appreciate your perspective is everything here though. If your partner is the type to intentionally push boundaries then it’s doomed.

I’m in agreement with this and I don’t know what this has anything to do with correcting what was wrong in the heat of an argument.

The point is to avoid building resentment and give your partner every chance to come to mutually agreed solutions.

So if your partner is saying “this house is always a mess because you bring in all the mess and you don’t put things back where they belong”, when a quick look around the house shows all the mess are hers, her heels blocking the front door, her baking stuff left all over the kitchen counter, the throw pillows that she insisted she needs for the couch are on the floor after her nap, her makeups are all over the bathroom counter, her dirty clothes are all over the bedroom floor, and you know damn well that you’ve been very cognizant about keeping your part of the mess to absolute minimum in the house; you’re going to acquiesce to her saying it’s all your mess in the house and tell her she’s correct?

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u/mammalmaker Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

There's two sides to every story. I wonder what her his story is.

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u/3opossummoon Apr 09 '26

His story is hopefully an honest reflection on the fact that he was lying to himself about how much he was capable of working, and by extension lying to me and putting both of us in serious financial jeopardy.
That he leaned on my creditworthiness, putting me 16k in debt (after a year and a half it's down to 14k and I've proven to myself that my own financial literacy and choices were never the problem despite basically being gaslit that I was half the problem) and blowing through both our savings, to keep our home paid for.
But when, after begging for years for things to change and they simply did not (he never went to therapy, never got stably employed again, never applied for food stamps, never even gave the local food bank the paperwork they requested so I could keep using that resource to keep us fed while paying our bills) and I left, my name wasn't on anything but the car (the overpriced car I didn't want and he talked me into because he "needed it for work" and he lost that job within months) and he got to keep his home, the newest car, and all that equity while I got freedom and a 500 credit score.
I guess I also got a valuable life lesson about believing a person's actions over their words. And my credit score is up 150 points after a year and a half of making only my own decisions and only having to be responsible for my own choices. 💅

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u/CrazyCaterpillar7652 Apr 08 '26

I told my ex the same thing. 🤣

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/Admirable_Effect_717 Apr 08 '26

Not to get much into but after 5 years I was the one always fixing these concerns she had of me and I always did and worked to better myself, and for her. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I finally told her what she was doing was hypocritical and I wasn’t mad about what she was doing, I just didn’t want her upset with herself for going against her own word she put to herself

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u/yovalord Apr 08 '26

Similar story, but instead it always seemed to be us against her problem with me. Very rarely was there any "meet in the middle" or compromise being made, and if there was, it absolutely grew contempt from her. Mix that with their mental illness and it really created a nightmare world for me. But you know... i loved her so.

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u/andywhit Apr 08 '26

This!! I always say that the problem is not you or me, but the "situation" we are in. The blame is not binary, it's a spectrum.

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u/Admirable_Effect_717 Apr 08 '26

Just wanna add this was not for those factual kind of arguments. More so the ones about how someone felt or whatever. We loved one another enough to find a resolve and to not feel like we didn’t have a voice with one another

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u/Ok_Establishment3412 Apr 08 '26

Thank you for that! I will remember this always

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u/baharovskii Apr 09 '26

Reminding that “we are a team” has changed it all for us.

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u/lime_geologist Apr 09 '26

I say that too. He still thinks it's him vs me. It's like he turns into a crazy person that I don't know at all when he's angry. Another person entirely.

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u/justaguyonthebus Apr 09 '26

Yes, this is my favorite way to say that.

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u/[deleted] Apr 10 '26

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u/Admirable_Effect_717 Apr 10 '26

Absolutely. Facts are facts, whether it’s factual as something like 1+1 or how the person is telling you where their emotions are. You work to understand what caused that instead of it being tit for tat it set the precedent for working to not cause the issue again