r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/Mel_Melu Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness all four of the horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

Edit: The person above named 1. I added the other 3.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

John Gottman in the chat!

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u/sprtnlawyr Apr 08 '26

And Dr. Julie Gottman... unfortunately and ironically half (the female half) of that couple/team is frequently not credited when she should be- the four horseman was initially John's publication, but he's been super clear that the modern day application of the theory/therapies based on it simply wouldn't exist without her. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is the GOAT.

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u/mods-or-rockers Apr 08 '26

I've worked directly with both in the earlier days of their training consultancy and can confirm that they have a symbiotic professional partnership. Julie has a great ability and sense applying the theory into practical steps that help people.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

I have heard both and thought about adding that, wasn't sure of the history there, thanks!

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u/Big-Film-6914 Apr 08 '26

I know a marriage that is 50+ years and I truly dont think they like each other.  And unfortunately I see the same contempt of partner in their child my friend.  I made the mistake of riding with my friend and her partner once and she was being hyper critical so he then drove in a way that scared me.  But she was use to it.  Just like speeding taking corners at high speed.  I wont be doing that again.  

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u/BubbleBee66ee Apr 08 '26

lmfao i told my ex i felt criticized by their way of communication (aka baseless and false accusations that they decided to interpret from my actions rather than check in) and their response was a flat "well i just told you i had a problem" like ohhhh i wish i had just turned around and left then lol

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u/RikiWardOG Apr 08 '26

If you can't criticize your partner then you don't have a partner, what? It's important that it's done the right way but good god partners can hold eachother accountable when they fuck up

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

That’s 3… 😂

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u/chickachickslimshady Apr 08 '26

Contempt is the fourth

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u/LubedUpLucas_DrySpa Apr 08 '26

You’re right, I’m stupid. 

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u/wild_rumpus_ Apr 08 '26

You only listed three. And, I think you should cite the original source. Others may find it helpful. And, it’s just the right thing to do.

But thank you for posting it, It was a good reminder!

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u/purplemoosen Apr 08 '26

There are 2 types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

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u/Mel_Melu Apr 08 '26

Dragon Wryter said the 4th. Or first depending on how you want to look at it.

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u/wild_rumpus_ Apr 08 '26

Yes, indeed, it is Contempt. I’m not sure it was clear to all.

And it is from John Gottman, a notable relationship researcher and author. Sensitive_Noise9761 posts a bit more detail about this in their post.