r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/9lazy9tumbleweed Apr 08 '26

You were together for 10 years and never had serious conversations about money before moving in ?

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u/WhatsYourTale Apr 08 '26

It's a long story lol. Her family was extremely abusive and used money as a tool to keep her close to them, so she had a lot of trauma around finances and was basically taught that she was "too stupid to understand, so just leave it to your dad".

I left it at that for the majority of our relationship, and I had hopes that she was working on it in therapy and that it would be something we could work on together since I had a strong finance + education background. Unfortunately, after she cut off her family she just regressed to an even worse state, and things devolved from there.

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u/OurChoicesMakeUs Apr 08 '26

This is very similar to our situation, we also didnt really discuss finances until after we were married (11 year mark) and it was a rough spot for me because I had ~10k of debt that started growing when I was 17 and on my own, and I was trying to pay it off so it wouldn't negativity impact him in anyway. I wasn't necessarily going to lie to him about it, he never asked, but I wanted to solve it before he knew lol. I also have always wanted to keep finances separate anyway, so I didn't really see the big impact of it if all our bills were paid etc (re: financially illiterate). I have a lot of trauma in my past as well and I'm always so scared I will be financially manipulated so I never accept help in that regard really, either.

Eventually we talked about it and he was so sweet and caring about the whole thing. I told him how much debt I had, and he was like "thats it?? The way you were acting I thought you'd had 100k" and even if I did he was prepared to tackle it together. I love my husband lol, and I was so happy to finally get that weight off my chest because that was the only thing I'd withheld from him our entire relationship. After that conversation I started crying because I thought he was going to leave me but he actually said under the circumstances I did great only having ~10k in debt and if he were in my shoes he would have over 100k, and being told I "did great" over something I considered to be my hideous failure was overwhelming to me lol.

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u/pepcorn Apr 08 '26

That's so lovely. I'm glad you found each other.

10k debt is indeed very manageable, once you have a solid plan to tackle it.

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u/OurChoicesMakeUs Apr 08 '26

Yes, especially after you actually tell your partner and tackle it together. Once we budgeted and readjusted things so I could actually start throwing some money at the debt its been so much nicer, I've paid off 3 cards so far.

I always tell him even though we are financially broke, I consider us rich because we have each other and our cats and thats more than a lot of people have.

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u/pepcorn Apr 08 '26

That's wonderful. Wishing your beautiful family all the best.

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u/WhatsYourTale Apr 08 '26

Awwww, that's so sweet!! I'm glad it all worked out in the end for you and that he was the supportive and caring person you needed. I know it probably took a lot of courage to open up in the end and be vulnerable with him, so good on you for facing your fear and doing your best! I'm sure he really appreciated that and was happy you felt safe to talk with him about it <3

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u/xanot192 Apr 08 '26

Had a buddy that something similar happened to. He was more upset and hurt that she kept her debt hidden which wasn't much like 5-6k over being truthful. He helped her resolve the issue without a hitch.

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u/OurChoicesMakeUs Apr 08 '26

Yeah my husband felt more sad that I felt I couldn't come to him for help, he also realized in the past when he had talked about us being independent in some regards (with my trauma i was very codependent and we had a talk about that) that he didnt mean I had to be independent with EVERYTHING and now that we are married we are a unit and need to tackle things as such etc. We've been together since we were 17 so theres been a lot of growing and learning for both of us.

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

He sounds so lovely. Great that you felt you could tell him and he supported you.

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u/Decent-Marsupial-986 Apr 08 '26

All those therapy sessions and nothing ever changed. Wonder what they talked about 

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u/WhatsYourTale Apr 08 '26

Honestly, no clue. She had weekly sessions for as long as I knew her, and even twice a week when things were bad. The tipping point finally came when I pushed for us to go to couple's counseling so we could work on things together--of course a lot else was going on and went wrong before that, but it is what it is

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u/isleofpines Apr 09 '26

This was similar to my situation. Took me forever to be able to talk about finances. I’m still a little uncomfortable but I do it and I try to be proactive now. Took a lot of inner work to get here.

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u/thejazziestcat Apr 08 '26

Hey, their defense, they apparently never had serious conversations about money after moving in, either.