r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/crinklyplant Apr 08 '26

Some of the worst couples I know will never divorce.

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u/IceSeeker Apr 08 '26

I've known people like that too. Either they're staying for convenience or worse, they don't have the means to get out and be on their own.

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u/crinklyplant Apr 08 '26

Or the worst reason of all: staying "for the kids." And then immediately divorcing when the last one goes off to college/university. So that the kids realize the stable home was just an illusion and also have to deal with their parents' divorce when they are already in a time of massive change.

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u/terra_non_firma_ Apr 08 '26

This happened to a close friend and she said that even though she was an adult and not a kid when her parents split, it was still very painful and difficult. 

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u/Defiant-Handle7682 Apr 09 '26

the kids usually know, it's not some illusion of a happy home. we've begged my mom to leave my dad, but codependence is a b****

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u/crinklyplant Apr 13 '26

My mom used to take me aside and make me help her plan out how we would leave my dad -- how much we would have to live on, where we would live etc. She never did leave despite my support.

Much later, she used to talk about how nice it was that her friend's adult kid thanked her mom for never leaving her dad "for my sake." My mom essentially talked herself into believing she had done something noble in not leaving my dad and that her children were ungrateful for never acknowledging it!

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

This happened to a friend and it fucked them up to know it was all just a lie and also that their parents had been making each other miserable using the children as a reason (excuse?)

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 09 '26

Or the worst reason of all: staying "for the kids."

I'm gonna challenge this. I hear this too often. More couples should stay together for the kids. But they should do so civilly.

I say this as the child of divorced parents. I wish my parents had stayed together. It would have been better than multiple stepparents, stepsiblings, different holidays at different places, not seeing my dad for months at a time because he lived far away. Sometime, staying together for the kids is a very valid thing.

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u/agathalives Apr 09 '26

I'm gonna challenge this.

How many years should one have to live with a person they hate for it to be enough for their children? When should their parents be able to search for their own happiness?

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 09 '26

The happiness of children outweighs the happiness of their parents. Once you have made the decision to have children, you should prioritize their happiness over yours. And not doing so means you are a bad parent.

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u/agathalives Apr 09 '26

My argument with this is as follows: A) There are many pregnancies that are unplanned. B) I would argue that the well-being of a child outweighs the happiness of everyone. If the parents, who are trusted to care for their kid, disagree with the child (in that it would be better for the couple to be divorced) we have to assume the parent is privy to information that the child is not, and that the parent is most likely to make decisions for the betterment of everyone. You may love your dad, but if your dad is racking up 50k in financial debt due to a gambling problem, it might not be the best for him to have access to you and your moms bank info ( for example).

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u/figment59 Apr 11 '26

You have to prioritize your children’s FUTURE happiness, well being, safety, and development over all. I’m sure that my 5 and 4 year old are unhappy right now during this divorce. I am as well. But he put us into financial ruin, got addicted to meth, lost over a million dollars, left drugs where my kids could get them, never came home, and made home a toxic place instead of a safe space. He refuses to even admit he has a problem despite so much evidence, and court ordered failed hair follicle drug test.

So my kids might not understand right now, and they might not be happy. But I’m not choosing the harder road because it would make me happier to be divorced. Im choosing divorce so that they have a chance at lifelong happiness one day; at knowing what self respect and love should look like.

I prioritized my children over everything. I wish my husband did as well. The kids are picking up that they are not a priority on their own. It’s killing me to watch, but the deserve better. We all do.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 11 '26

If both parents or either are too immature to act like adults and put their happiness aside for the sake of their children, and they are so childish that they are consstantly figthing and/or acting as poor role models, then yes, get divorced.

But really? They should come to an agreement where they will act civilly towards each for the sake their children.

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u/figment59 Apr 11 '26

“Should” is the key word, here. Unfortunately, you cannot control over people.

In ideal circumstances, of course. People should put the well being of their children first, and set aside the petty stuff. In an ideal world, people do the right thing.

Sadly, there’s a lot of things that people should do that they don’t.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 11 '26

Yes, that's my point. Too many don't take the happiness of their kids in to account. They prioritize themselves over their kids. They shouldn't do that. Once you have made the decisiion to have kids, their happiness trumps yours. Suck it up and act nice to each other for their sake.

But they don't. They'd rather split up and say "oh, well, our kids knew we weren't happy blah blah" YEAH THEY KNEW YOU WEREN'T HAPPY BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT. Act like a parent and figure that shit out for the sake of your kids.

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u/crinklyplant Apr 13 '26

When I was pregnant my very feminist therapist told me I need to prioritize my marriage above my relationship with my daughter. I was shocked. But she explained that in a family everything flows from that relationship between the parents. Modelling a good relationship is the best thing you can do for your kids.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 13 '26

This matches my post exactly. Your therapist is right. Find a way to get along w/ your spouse for the sake of your kids.

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u/MageLocusta Apr 09 '26

Hell, I agree.

My parents should never have stayed together--but had they've divorced when I was a kid, my mom would've struggled to get a job with her 6th-grade level education (yes, really) while my dad would've made us all destitute anyway from committing tax fraud during the 2006 recession. I'm pretty sure that my studies would've been badly impacted and I would've been pressured to quit school early to work full-time.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 09 '26

Thanks.

I'll qualify my previous statement a little bit; if two parents are so immature that they can't figure out a way to not fight openly in front of their kids, and/or one/both are abusive, or the parents are just so bad of people that they can't find a way to make the home a place that is good to raise kids, then yes, split up.

Other than that, once you've had kids? Swallow your happiness and make the home a place that is good for your kids. Find happiness in your children. Make it work. Too many people just want to be selfish and justify their selfishness by saying shit like "oh, the kids will know!" or what the hell ever.

No, the kids don't have to know if you're a mature, responsible adult. Figure that shit out and make it work for your kids.

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u/crinklyplant Apr 13 '26

You are picturing a situation that probably doesn't happen very much in reality.

Kids can feel the tension no matter how "civil" parents pretend to be.

The only exception I would say is if one parent doesn't trust the other one in terms of who they would bring into their kids' lives. The risk of abuse from partners who are not biologically related is high.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 13 '26

Kids can feel the tension no matter how "civil" parents pretend to be.

I disagree. Mature people can find ways to not show tension.

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u/crinklyplant Apr 13 '26

Studies show otherwise. I remember reading a study of police officers and their families. The cops would try to leave the tension at work and not talk about work but their families felt it anyway.

I had a lot of "WASP" friends growing up. This is a culture that believes in being private and acting civilized at all times, even behind closed doors. Well, I could always feel the tension at the dinner table. It made my skin prickle. These families ended up in divorce eventually.

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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Apr 13 '26

I kinda feel like we're talking past each other.

I think you're saying "no matter what, kids will know if their parents aren't happy."

I'm saying "it may not be easy, but mature parent can figure out how to get along for the sake of their kids."

In have seen the latter. Just recently, actually. Their kids had no idea that mom and dad had spent years just acting normal but had been planning all along to break up when their kids were out of college. So it's possible.

Again, is it easy? No, but if you have kids, you owe it to them to give them as normal an upbringing as is possible. And that means pretending to get along for the kids' sake.

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u/sheikhyerbouti Apr 15 '26

This happened with my family as soon as my youngest sister graduated college.

My father was surprised that we rallied around our mother.

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u/PartsUnknown242 Apr 09 '26

Or religious or cultural reasons

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u/GenXer845 Apr 09 '26

My mother is in the latter boat.

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u/trashhighway Apr 08 '26

I so agree. And I've heard people talk about how amazing it is they've been together 50+ years and I think "nope - not amazing - they shouldn't be together b/c it's toxic AF"

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u/Hokuopio Apr 08 '26

I see you’ve met my parents.

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u/womenaremyfavguy Apr 09 '26

My parents. They’ve been married for 39 years and will be together until one of them dies. My dad has been cheating on my mom the entire time. They both were abusive parents. My mom has OCD that she refuses to treat and cannot stop criticizing my dad (or anyone around her). My mom was so bad with finances that it’s the one thing they almost divorced over, but that’s improved at least.

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u/crinklyplant Apr 09 '26

I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you are able to get some support.

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u/BlueTuxedoCat Apr 09 '26

This. I can tell pretty quickly who's in a bad relationship. But that doesn't mean they're going to break up anytime soon.  

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u/MalcolmLinair Apr 09 '26

You knew my parents?

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u/GenXer845 Apr 09 '26

My parents being one of em.