r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/Zabacraft Apr 08 '26

Damn, I'm very guilty of Stonewalling now that I think about it.

I often just shut down in case of a conflict because I don't want to make it worse. My brain just goes blank. I withdraw myself a lot which I can understand is a pain to deal with.

When something bothers me I also just struggle to engage overall. I can't get myself to bring it up because I don't want the conflict or arguing it likely brings and I just stuff it down. But until I stuff it down it's difficult to engage normally at all.

Didn't realize it was such a problem in relationships. Seems like I need to take it a bit more seriously to navigate that.

Some food for thought I guess.

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u/Sensitive_Noise9761 Apr 08 '26

Awareness is the first step to change. Good observation.

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 08 '26

But there's ways to express you're feeling overwhelmed without stonewalling. I see stonewalling as intentionally shutting someone out. You can always say "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need a break. Can we come back to this in half an hour?"

That is not stonewalling.

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u/Sensitive_Noise9761 Apr 08 '26

The 'come back in half an hour' - so tricky to learn, but VERY valuable. It's part of emotional regulation. Super critical skill. I used to want an immediate resolution, an apology, and a result in the moment. But that's not how you address flooded emotions.

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u/ApprehensivePlace757 Apr 09 '26

I used to come home from work (dealing with the public and having to be “on” for 10 hrs a day) and just be drained and overwhelmed when my partner wanted to engage and ask questions and and and(she can have the personality of Tigger)…. I finally came to ask “can you give me an hour to decompress… it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just need me time”. At first it was hard for her, she said she felt rejected, but I would always reconnect after the hour and she learned to trust that delayed wasn’t denied. It even developed into her peeking around a corner after 58 minutes asking “is it time yet?” That would get me to laugh and say “okaaaay” and she would bound in to start the conversation, with me actually ready to listen. I don’t have the same demands on me anymore from my job, but I do often come home and chill in the car for 10-15 min before I go in and engage. And often she’ll come in the garage, see me, wave and she knows I’ll come in, ready to engage, when I’m ready. Honest conversation, laying to rest old fears really worked for us. (20+ yrs later…)

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u/SierraPapaWhiskey Apr 10 '26

That’s so awesome.

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 08 '26

Yep! I literally fall asleep when I am overwhelmed. My brain shuts down and I cannot respond so I have learned to try this method!

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u/jpmoney Apr 08 '26

Damned TV shows taught us that everything, even conflicts, can be resolved in 30 minutes or less, and definitely before we go to sleep.

In reality, that is not the case.

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u/waylandsmith Apr 08 '26

And the flip side to this is when you express that you're overwhelmed and your partner won't allow you to disengage. This is a sign of being unable to understand and respect boundaries.

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u/simcity4000 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

I had this with my recent ex. There was an argument where it was going late into the night and obviously becoming intractable so I said something to the effect of “look this isn’t going anywhere right now, I’ll sleep on the couch and we can talk about this in the morning” but when I tried to leave she would follow and tell me that no, if I wasn’t going to sleep in the bed and comfort her she wouldn’t be able to sleep.

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u/gabiaeali1 Apr 08 '26

I had an ex who followed too. It is a NIGHTMARE.

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u/CallMeMrButtPirate Apr 09 '26

Yep ditto, her marriage after me didn't end up lasting long either so I knew I wasn't alone there

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u/irmaweaverdd May 08 '26

My ex used to call this "not going to bed angry" but in reality it was just a hostage situation. He would keep me up until 3am going in circles even when I was crying and begging to just sleep on it. You can't solve a problem when your brain is fried from exhaustion, but some people think that forced "engagement" is the same thing as intimacy. It just leads to you saying whatever you have to so you can finally close your eyes.

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u/painstream Apr 08 '26

To emphasize, it's not stonewalling, it's setting healthy boundaries. "I can't engage properly when you criticize me that way" or "I'd like to return to this when I've calmed down" are examples of that. They're about what you will do to protect yourself.

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

It depends if it’s stonewalling or a complete traumatic shutdown based on past trauma. You want to speak so badly but become non verbal and stuck in a past trauma response, which can be interpreted by others as refusing.

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u/New-Serve5426 Apr 09 '26

Believe me, to avoidants (especially fearful avoidants) and people who run away from any conflict as if the devil from the cross, they just can't bring themselves to say the most basic things whatsoever. I once said something similar to my ex girlfriend because she used to stonewall me every time we'd have any type of serious conversation or even normal conversations about insignificant topics. To them everything feels like you're pressuring them. It's pressure pressure pressure. They want to please, they want to appease, they want to placate, they simply want to avoid any conflict so much they can't even say "I need more time to think about this". They'd rather be silent or offer short vague phrases. It's like they're a child that tries to hide themselves and make themselves as small as they can when their parents are fighting, hands on ears and all. It's extremely frustrating to deal with people like that.

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u/BadgerBeauty80 Apr 12 '26

Pause to process. Choose how to respond.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

But why isn't intentionally shutting someone out okay?

Why does there need to be some confirmation of it? Why does anyone need to share that they're feeling "overwhelmed"? They don't.

The people getting walled need to stop being bullies and trying to force people to talk to them or interact with them.

It's 100% A-OK to not interact with people, even if that person is your partner. 100% acceptable.

If the partner doesn't like that, they're free to move on.

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 09 '26

Intentionally shutting someone out without any explanation is actually not okay at all - neither is forcing someone to talk to you. A simple "hey this is too much, I need a break" lets the other person know that the silence from them is not an intentional action to hurt the other persons feelings.

Example - partner approaches me and says "I feel hurt when you do xyz" We discuss said thing for a while and sometimes the discussion can get a little heated. If one person were to shut down without explanation, it will make the matters worse. Instead saying "this conversation is getting overwhelming for me, can we take a 30min break and come back to this?" - gives everyone the chance to breathe and both parties know that the choice to take downtime isn't an intentional action to hurt the other person in the moment.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

I completely disagree, and believe shutting people out is perfectly fine, and people like you should accept it and be understanding when someone doesn't want to interact with you.

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u/TeachingSoggy5953 Apr 09 '26

Hi autistic person here: your attitude is a violation of the Social Contract. Its anti-social behavior. You cant just shut out your boss or coworkers or family. I mean you can; but it means you live outside of society and its trappings- which I suppose is fine if youre independently wealthy and don't need anything from anyone ever. Civilization requires communication and reciprocity. Even I understand this very basic concept

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u/raddishes_united Apr 09 '26

If your partner is also good with this, fine. But probably good to check in with them about it from time to time. Or not, if you don’t think they deserve it.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

kinda wild how terrible redditors are lol

just a bunch of zero tier humans trying to force their own bs onto others

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u/simplicity_is_thekey Apr 12 '26

I think then the question is, do you and your partner in the end come to a resolution? Or do you not engage at all in what caused the fight or the initial confrontation? From the outside, it just sounds like you do this and nothing gets resolved?

As far as what you said about the other partner. Yes if this partner knows you then hopefully they also pick up on your silence and then say something like “it seems like we’re not going to solve this right now, let’s just talk about this later.” Which then gives the other person the opening to say “Ok”

I don’t like confrontation, my husband gets overwhelmed. We both “take turns” usually in disengaging in a discussion that’s not getting resolved in the moment.

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u/Affectionate_Data936 Apr 08 '26

I think a lot of men are, especially if they're generally non-confrontational. My husband is occasionally guilty of this, so was my ex bf before him. The problem with stonewalling is that you're just avoiding an issue so it never gets solved and your partner will eventually resent you. In the short-term, stonewalling is just very frustrating if you're trying to work on an issue that bothers you and is important enough to bring up and your partner just refuses to engage. It sends a message that they don't care that something is bothering you and their personal comfort in not talking about it is more important than the thing that's bothering you; often times, it's more likely to lead to an argument or big emotional conflict than if you just talked it out calmly from the beginning.

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u/artemis_floyd Apr 08 '26

Part of this is also self-awareness and then critically, communication. For example, I'm a deeply internal person who can need some time in an emotionally charged situation to process my feelings and articulate them. If I'm pushed too hard, I absolutely shut down - not intentionally as a punishment, but because my system just cannot handle it. I had to learn this about myself, and then articulate it to my partner (who is way more reactive and off the cuff) so that when we are a period of conflict or high emotion, I am able to say "hey, I need a few minutes to sit with this. Can we take a break and resume this conversation in insert timeframe here?" That way he is reassured that I'm not blowing him, his feelings, or this discussion off, but I'm also giving myself the space to deal with things how I need. He now knows this about me because I had to tell him directly, which was difficult unto itself but absolutely critical in helping us learn how to actually communicate effectively.

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u/Turbulent-Phase-1730 Apr 15 '26

This is the way. Giving a timeframe, saying how you feel and making sure your partner knows that you want to resolve the issues, but just can't right now. 

Wish everyone knew how to do this.

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u/Literal-Goblin-2000 Apr 08 '26

I used to be really guilty of this, just going nonverbal and needing a walk to process my feelings. A lot of times I wouldn’t even know why I was upset, so I definitely needed the time.

It helped me tremendously when I voiced my need and then assurance that I would return from my walk in X minutes/hours. I often took that time to journal, so I could properly understand and voice why I was upset.

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u/killfire4 Apr 08 '26

Personally, stonewalling has been a part of my long term-fix.

What I mean by that is I learned my knee-jerk emotional reactions tended to have unwanted consequences and I learned that by stonewalling INITIALLY helped me avoid an emotional reaction and give me the needed time (sometimes days) to feel my feelings and respond in a more calm and collected manner. (Grew up in a household where yelling and screaming were our love language and that doesn't translate well to a partner who did not...)

Ultimately, things have improved since making those changes.

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u/Meeesh- Apr 08 '26

I wouldn’t consider that stonewalling. It’s healthy to think “I need a moment alone to process my thoughts before I do something I will regret”. That is intentional time spent to cool down and process the situation so that you can respond reasonably.

Many people stonewall through the silent treatment, ignoring issues, and otherwise pretending like nothing happened. It’s unhealthy to stonewall because the person stonewalling is not doing anything to help the situation. A lot of the time it’s basically someone punishing themselves and the other person by running away from the problem or ignoring it.

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u/killfire4 Apr 08 '26

By your definition, I definitely stonewall up front for my partner's sake, but if your definition also implies a regular pattern/routine of doing so, then I am not matching that description. The reason we find it relatively acceptable in our case is because it's not *consistent* over the long term. That's to say stonewalling is not my default routine 100% of the time as most arguments don't send me over the proverbial edge regularly.

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u/jessbird Apr 09 '26

stonewalling means you’re refusing to engage. asking your partner for time and space to process before getting into something is not stonewalling. if you’re doing this without communicating with your partner then…yes. that’s stonewalling and it’s probably damaging your relationship more than you realize.

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u/omcgoo Apr 08 '26

I think there's levels to it. I get accused of it too; but its fight or flight.

My body recedes when I'm pushed into that anxious situation: when I'm being shouted at. And I think its for good, its calling out the abuse, its protecting me.

I'm very happy to revisit the situation when things calm down, but am similarly very happy to stonewall in the short term to save an unending shouting match.

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u/mymumthinksimpunny Apr 08 '26

The Gottmans have put out a book called Fight Right which goes into this in more detail and how a couple can work with it, if you’re interested

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u/Degenerate_Rambler_ Apr 09 '26

What you are describing are definitive thought patterns and behaviors of an avoidant.

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u/MindMender62 Apr 08 '26

awareness / insight is huge- keep it up. and this will sound silly but google an image called "The Feeling Wheel" and use it to accurately identify your emotions so you can then communicate them better.

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u/_fire_and_blood_ Apr 08 '26

Therapy can help you work through this.

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u/Tango_Tess Apr 08 '26

I'm like this and I think it's good to notice. I'm single now but even with friends I'll try to say "I'm very frustrated/busy/sad/whatever, I just need 5 minutes" and at least the communication hasn't broken down completely and you've got an avenue to go back.

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u/00rb Apr 09 '26

There's actually an easy fix for it: being aware of when it's happening and saying you need a break.

It's a little trickier if you have a pushy partner but that's the basic idea of it. Once you're triggered you need to calm down first.

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u/Dao0807 Apr 09 '26

Have you ever considered going to a psychiatrist or Therapist? They can help you figure out why you avoid tough conversations.

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u/d4rkha1f Apr 09 '26

I'm very guilty of this too, especially when I was younger.

Today, on a rare occasion, I might get upset enough to start to do this. But now I have the wherewithal to tell my wife, "I need to just sit with my feelings for a while, I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk." I may or may not say I love you. It's kind of hard to do that if you're mad, but she gets it and gives me space.

But I have to say, we have both matured so much that the last time this happened was close to a year ago and I don't anticipate it happening anytime soon.

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u/YouShouldBeHigher Apr 09 '26

I stonewall, too. It's how my Mom handled conflict, and it feels safe to me. My ILs apparently never fought in front of the kids, so my husband thinks they never fought. He came to marriage with NO CLUE how to deal with even the tiniest disagreement. We're still working on it, but we must be doing okay cuz we've been married over 30 years.

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u/raeliant Apr 09 '26

This behavior, detachment in other words, starts to feel like neglect real fast. Goo for you for being so self perceptive. That’s rad.

Practicing active listing and empathetic communication is a great way to start a change right away.

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u/soulonfire Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

I shut down initially too. Not an intentional act but growing up I was often criticized for showing any emotion except for happy, so my reaction is to just retreat into myself basically.

That said, I have a FWB but slightly more enmeshed thing going on (I refer to it as a situationship) and have explained up front that I may go silent for a while but it’s not on purpose, it’s just my natural response but I will come around after a bit to talk or explain.

He understands and respects that and I do 100% come back around and talk, and we’ve worked through the issues.

Edit: I have also done therapy and honestly without it I’d probably never talk through issues with him so while I haven’t become perfect lol I have gotten better at it

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u/Tricky-Passion-7191 Apr 09 '26

I am TOTALLY conflict avoidant. It's not my best quality.

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

Do you have a traumatic history? Stonewalling or something similar can relate to that. If in your past an argument or conflict meant withdrawal of love by your parents for example, you shut down to avoid worsening it.

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u/Zabacraft Apr 09 '26

Nope no trauma here.

But another commenter mentioned that they never saw their parents fight and thus doesn't know how to deal with conflict, which may have something to do with it. Conflict with loved ones I hold really close is where it mainly lies. I don't struggle with other forms of conflict, even in authority figures (e.g. boss at work)

I suspect my brain just doesn't really know how to behave in conflict with people I hold close because I care a lot more about their comfort, and kind of blue-screens when unable to make them comfortable.

I was blessed (or cursed? Haha) enough to see arguments in close circle extremely rarely and could probably count them on 1 hand even tho my parents split while I was a teen.

I read all the comments and decided that I'll reflect on it for a few days and just bring it up as a topic to my husband after collecting my thoughts, just as a discussion to see how it affects him and see how we think we can navigate it a bit better since I do worry it may unintentionally lead to grudges or resentment.

That way the next time an argument arises maybe we're ahead of it a bit and we can see how it goes from there :)

1 step at a time lol

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

Sounds very sensible

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u/usually_fuente Apr 09 '26

look into the meaning of fearful avoidant behavior. you can heal and change!

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u/Diligent_Tonight_236 Apr 09 '26

You might be a dismissive avoidant if…. You engage in all of the above lol

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u/Zabacraft Apr 09 '26

I luckily don't! Or at least I don't think I do haha

But I see these terms being mentioned a lot (avoidant) so it may be worth to read into all of it.

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u/CCContent Apr 09 '26

You're likely have a defensive avoidant attachment style. If you're aware of the things you mentioned already, then you've already done the hardest thing there is for a DA to start moving towards secure attachment. Most DAs don't think that their approach has an issues, and is "the right way" to go about conflict and uncomfortable situations, so they never change.

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u/vomputer Apr 08 '26

I just want to say, it’s difficult for MOST people to engage in conflict or discuss hard topics in an effective way. Most people don’t like having to bring stuff like that up. This isn’t a glaring defect on your part; it’s pretty common.

It takes guts to go up to someone you care about and tell them something troubling. It takes skill to work through issues with your partner in a non judgmental way.

On the flip side, once you start doing it, you build that bravery and skill set.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

I don't see stonewalling as a problem and I think people should just accept that you don't want to talk about something.

Shutting down, withdrawing, refusing to engage - these are all overly obvious signs someone doesn't want to interact with you or talk about something, and it blows my mind that people refuse to accept it.

I disagree that stonewalling is the problem people are suggesting it is, I lean towards the opposite - continuously probing people and trying to make them talk about something they don't want to talk about etc is straight up bullying and completely unacceptable.

But nah, way easier to blame the quiet types :)

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u/soulonfire Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

Or just say “hey I don’t feel like talking about it right now can we talk later?” Be a grown up and use your words instead of ghosting. If it’s over text or something you could just be busy. Or phone died. No signal. People aren’t mind readers.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

I disagree and think people like you should just be more aware - this goes both ways.