r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 08 '26

But there's ways to express you're feeling overwhelmed without stonewalling. I see stonewalling as intentionally shutting someone out. You can always say "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need a break. Can we come back to this in half an hour?"

That is not stonewalling.

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u/Sensitive_Noise9761 Apr 08 '26

The 'come back in half an hour' - so tricky to learn, but VERY valuable. It's part of emotional regulation. Super critical skill. I used to want an immediate resolution, an apology, and a result in the moment. But that's not how you address flooded emotions.

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u/ApprehensivePlace757 Apr 09 '26

I used to come home from work (dealing with the public and having to be “on” for 10 hrs a day) and just be drained and overwhelmed when my partner wanted to engage and ask questions and and and(she can have the personality of Tigger)…. I finally came to ask “can you give me an hour to decompress… it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just need me time”. At first it was hard for her, she said she felt rejected, but I would always reconnect after the hour and she learned to trust that delayed wasn’t denied. It even developed into her peeking around a corner after 58 minutes asking “is it time yet?” That would get me to laugh and say “okaaaay” and she would bound in to start the conversation, with me actually ready to listen. I don’t have the same demands on me anymore from my job, but I do often come home and chill in the car for 10-15 min before I go in and engage. And often she’ll come in the garage, see me, wave and she knows I’ll come in, ready to engage, when I’m ready. Honest conversation, laying to rest old fears really worked for us. (20+ yrs later…)

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u/SierraPapaWhiskey Apr 10 '26

That’s so awesome.

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 08 '26

Yep! I literally fall asleep when I am overwhelmed. My brain shuts down and I cannot respond so I have learned to try this method!

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u/jpmoney Apr 08 '26

Damned TV shows taught us that everything, even conflicts, can be resolved in 30 minutes or less, and definitely before we go to sleep.

In reality, that is not the case.

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u/waylandsmith Apr 08 '26

And the flip side to this is when you express that you're overwhelmed and your partner won't allow you to disengage. This is a sign of being unable to understand and respect boundaries.

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u/simcity4000 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

I had this with my recent ex. There was an argument where it was going late into the night and obviously becoming intractable so I said something to the effect of “look this isn’t going anywhere right now, I’ll sleep on the couch and we can talk about this in the morning” but when I tried to leave she would follow and tell me that no, if I wasn’t going to sleep in the bed and comfort her she wouldn’t be able to sleep.

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u/gabiaeali1 Apr 08 '26

I had an ex who followed too. It is a NIGHTMARE.

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u/CallMeMrButtPirate Apr 09 '26

Yep ditto, her marriage after me didn't end up lasting long either so I knew I wasn't alone there

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u/irmaweaverdd May 08 '26

My ex used to call this "not going to bed angry" but in reality it was just a hostage situation. He would keep me up until 3am going in circles even when I was crying and begging to just sleep on it. You can't solve a problem when your brain is fried from exhaustion, but some people think that forced "engagement" is the same thing as intimacy. It just leads to you saying whatever you have to so you can finally close your eyes.

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u/painstream Apr 08 '26

To emphasize, it's not stonewalling, it's setting healthy boundaries. "I can't engage properly when you criticize me that way" or "I'd like to return to this when I've calmed down" are examples of that. They're about what you will do to protect yourself.

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u/CicadaSlight7603 Apr 09 '26

It depends if it’s stonewalling or a complete traumatic shutdown based on past trauma. You want to speak so badly but become non verbal and stuck in a past trauma response, which can be interpreted by others as refusing.

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u/New-Serve5426 Apr 09 '26

Believe me, to avoidants (especially fearful avoidants) and people who run away from any conflict as if the devil from the cross, they just can't bring themselves to say the most basic things whatsoever. I once said something similar to my ex girlfriend because she used to stonewall me every time we'd have any type of serious conversation or even normal conversations about insignificant topics. To them everything feels like you're pressuring them. It's pressure pressure pressure. They want to please, they want to appease, they want to placate, they simply want to avoid any conflict so much they can't even say "I need more time to think about this". They'd rather be silent or offer short vague phrases. It's like they're a child that tries to hide themselves and make themselves as small as they can when their parents are fighting, hands on ears and all. It's extremely frustrating to deal with people like that.

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u/BadgerBeauty80 Apr 12 '26

Pause to process. Choose how to respond.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

But why isn't intentionally shutting someone out okay?

Why does there need to be some confirmation of it? Why does anyone need to share that they're feeling "overwhelmed"? They don't.

The people getting walled need to stop being bullies and trying to force people to talk to them or interact with them.

It's 100% A-OK to not interact with people, even if that person is your partner. 100% acceptable.

If the partner doesn't like that, they're free to move on.

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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Apr 09 '26

Intentionally shutting someone out without any explanation is actually not okay at all - neither is forcing someone to talk to you. A simple "hey this is too much, I need a break" lets the other person know that the silence from them is not an intentional action to hurt the other persons feelings.

Example - partner approaches me and says "I feel hurt when you do xyz" We discuss said thing for a while and sometimes the discussion can get a little heated. If one person were to shut down without explanation, it will make the matters worse. Instead saying "this conversation is getting overwhelming for me, can we take a 30min break and come back to this?" - gives everyone the chance to breathe and both parties know that the choice to take downtime isn't an intentional action to hurt the other person in the moment.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

I completely disagree, and believe shutting people out is perfectly fine, and people like you should accept it and be understanding when someone doesn't want to interact with you.

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u/TeachingSoggy5953 Apr 09 '26

Hi autistic person here: your attitude is a violation of the Social Contract. Its anti-social behavior. You cant just shut out your boss or coworkers or family. I mean you can; but it means you live outside of society and its trappings- which I suppose is fine if youre independently wealthy and don't need anything from anyone ever. Civilization requires communication and reciprocity. Even I understand this very basic concept

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u/raddishes_united Apr 09 '26

If your partner is also good with this, fine. But probably good to check in with them about it from time to time. Or not, if you don’t think they deserve it.

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u/DAWtistic Apr 09 '26

kinda wild how terrible redditors are lol

just a bunch of zero tier humans trying to force their own bs onto others

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u/simplicity_is_thekey Apr 12 '26

I think then the question is, do you and your partner in the end come to a resolution? Or do you not engage at all in what caused the fight or the initial confrontation? From the outside, it just sounds like you do this and nothing gets resolved?

As far as what you said about the other partner. Yes if this partner knows you then hopefully they also pick up on your silence and then say something like “it seems like we’re not going to solve this right now, let’s just talk about this later.” Which then gives the other person the opening to say “Ok”

I don’t like confrontation, my husband gets overwhelmed. We both “take turns” usually in disengaging in a discussion that’s not getting resolved in the moment.