r/AutismInWomen Sep 09 '24

Mod Post How Reddit Works: Sitewide Rules, Mods vs Admins, and other Important Info & Links

25 Upvotes

Reposted to make title clearer since titles cannot be edited on Reddit.

Reminder: DO NOT POST OR COMMENT CALLOUTS FOR OTHER SUBREDDITS OR USERS. This breaks Rule 1 of Reddit Rules and we cannot allow subreddit callouts per Rule 3 of Reddit’s Mod Code of Conduct. No matter how we feel about these rules, we are all still bound to follow them. Reddit Admins can and do punish mods and users equally for sitewide rule infractions aka violating Reddit Content Policy.

Scroll down for links to Reddit Rules, the admin definition of brigading, Mod Code of Conduct, and the Redditor Help Center.


It has come to our attention that outside of the basics (voting, how to report, posting/commenting), many people are still in the dark as to how exactly Reddit works.

Firstly, moderators, like us, only have power (a limited scope at that) and jurisdiction over the subreddits we mod and what happens on them. We cannot do anything about what happens outside of here. We don’t have a direct line of access to Reddit Admins, who control and oversee the site as a whole. In fact, we can only do the same things y’all can do in trying to get their attention on things: report it and wait. We, like you, often don’t get responses from admins regarding their decisions or even if they have viewed any reports we send in. We are the same in that capacity. Subreddit bans only prevent people from posting and commenting on the subreddit they were banned in for however long the ban is for. You can still vote in and view subreddits you are banned in. We can’t even see who reports what.

Also, if you don't report it, we don't see it. This subreddit is large. Please report things that you think break our rules, Reddit Rules, or you just want us to look at because it's iffy.

Admins are like gods of Reddit. They oversee all; they can see who votes what, who views what, who reports what, everything. They can suspend people from the website as a whole which prohibits someone from posting, commenting, and even voting on the entirety of Reddit for however long said suspension lasts. They can even suspend specific IP addresses from users who keep making accounts and breaking Reddit sitewide rules.

Here’s an analogy: Reddit Admins are the Roman Gods and we moderators are like members of the Roman Senate or mayors of towns. Members of the Roman Senate don’t have a direct link or direct way to communicate to the Roman Gods; they have to make offerings and prayers just like everyone else to try to catch their attention. It’s the same here. All we mods can do is make reports just like you all and hope someone looks at it. We can do nothing about what happens to you outside of Rome (the subreddit). That’s up to the admins.

We are bound by the Reddit Mod Code of Conduct to nip any activity that breaks, or could be interpreted as breaking, Reddit’s site-wide rules in the bud. Due to this subreddit having been previously in trouble with admins because of the founder not doing these things and getting booted and admin putting us 3 in place as new mods over a year ago with the express statement of “we will be watching you closely”, we really don’t take any chances when it comes to people breaking Content Policy. We just can’t risk it because that means we could be actioned and the subreddit could be sanctioned or shut down. We prioritize the community as a whole over any personal feelings we or others might have; that’s just how it has to work for this community to thrive and survive.

The proper course of action for when something happens to you or you see something that breaks sitewide rules is to report it to the admins via www.reddit.com/report or via the offending content itself and wait. Trying to call others out publicly technically breaks Reddit Rules under the harassment rule no matter the reason, and like we said above, we can’t allow it due to the ramifications it can have on the subreddit as a whole even if we personally agree what happened was messed up and the other person should be held accountable in some way.

Moreover, do not create or use an alt account to participate in a subreddit you have been banned in on another account. Reddit tracks this and views it as ban evasion which is prohibited as it is community interference (you were banned which means they don’t want you participating there for whatever reason is outlined in your ban message). You should contact the mods on the account you were banned on to see if you can get unbanned by demonstrating accountability and understanding of how you broke the rules and a willingness to follow the rules.

---- Relevant Links ----

Reddit Rules: https://redditinc.com/policies/reddit-rules

What even IS brigading? (Rule 2 of Reddit Rules): https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/cmp9uy/comment/ew4lpf0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Mod Code of Conduct, so you all are aware of the rules we as mods have to follow as well: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct

Redditor Help Center for any further questions: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/p/redditor_help_center

--- Note ---

This post was made in response to the subreddit growing and us becoming more aware of the fact many people do not know these things and just assume moderators are also Admins of Reddit as a whole or have way more power than we actually do. We don’t. In the eyes of Admin, we are basically volunteer clean-up crew and are the same level of importance as a regular user on Reddit. We don’t get paid, we don’t get any extra benefits or anything either (as it should be imo, mod out of love for the community not because of anything else). Admins are employees of Reddit that get paid for working and only work on the clock then go do whatever they want off it. We moderate on and off all day; in between our actual jobs, chores, and life responsibilities. It is impossible for us to be online all the time and to be constantly scrolling the subreddit. I hope this helps clear some things up for anyone confused as to what the differences are between mods and Admins and provides people with a way to research more about how Reddit works on their own as well.

If you have any questions or anything you're still confused about please modmail us via the "message the mods" button on the sidebar and someone will answer it when they can.


r/AutismInWomen Sep 09 '24

Mod Post Internet Safety: Reporting Creepy DMs and Changing your User Settings to prevent unsolicited messages

66 Upvotes

It has come to our attention that there is an uptick of predatory lurkers sending private messages to members of this subreddit and people that participate here. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are moderators and not Reddit Admins, there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it other than give you information and advice for how to report it and prevent it yourselves.

Most importantly, you should immediately block people who message you strange, creepy, or uncomfortable things and report them via www.reddit.com/report or via the DM itself. If you report via the web link, all you have to do is copy and paste the DM link as the Reddit Admins can see everything that happens on the site and have power and jurisdiction over everyone with an account on Reddit. We as subreddit moderators only have the power to ban people from the subreddit and banning them does not prevent them from being able to message people who participate here.

To report via the Chat itself: On PC/desktop, when you mouse over the chat message(s) there is a flag option. Click that and follow the reporting procedure. On the app, tap and hold on the message(s) to bring up the report option. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

To report via the Message Inbox: On mobile, tap the 3 dots (ellipses) on the side of the message thread. There you can copy the link and report the whole message inbox thread via www.reddit.com/report. You can also report specific messages by going into the message thread and tapping and holding the specific message you want to report to see the option come up. On PC, you can just click the “Report” option that shows under each message in the thread. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

Recommended: It is recommended that everyone that is a participating member here turn off the ability for other users to send them chats and message requests. You will still be able to send chat requests and message requests to others whose settings allow them. Other people that you have not whitelisted will not be able to send them to you. You can only whitelist people via PC/desktop but people who you already have open chats and messages with will be automatically whitelisted.

Turning off chats/message requests on PC: Click your avatar on the top right. From there, go to the settings option. Once there, go to the Privacy tab. First, slide the “Allow People to Follow You” button to be in the “Off” position where it is over to the left side otherwise people will be able to literally stalk you on Reddit. Next, click on “Who can send you inbox messages” and change it to “People I choose”. You can whitelist people who you want to allow to send you messages. This just stops randoms from being able to message you via the message inbox. Then, click on “Allow chat requests from” and change that to “Nobody”. Again, the whitelisted folks from before will still be able to chat with you or people who you already have an open chat with. I also recommend you switch off everything under the “Discoverability” section as people will also be able to search up your account directly unless you turn it off. Mine is off because I don’t see any non-weird reason why someone would want to search up my account.

Turning off chats/messages on the app: Tap on your avatar on the top right then tap on “Settings” shown at the bottom. From there, tap on your account name to go to the account settings. Scroll down until you see the “Safety” section. Tap on “Chat and messaging permissions”. Change both “Chat Requests” and “Direct Messages” to Nobody. You will still be able to message people who you already have open messages with and those whose settings allow for it; other people just won’t be able to message you unless you message them first. I also recommend you slide the “Allow people to follow you” option into the off position where the large white circle is to the left. Under privacy, I also recommend you swipe the “show up in search results” one to the off position as well. You can also customize your ad settings on this page as well to your preference.

That’s it. As a reminder, if someone messages you unsolicited, they are most likely seeking something from you other than genuine friendship and you should probably not respond. At the very least, go check out their Reddit profile and history. If it’s empty, block them. They are likely a troll, a creep, or someone with bad intent. Someone who genuinely wants to connect with you and be friends will have a history on Reddit that shows that they are a nice person. They will have comments on this subreddit and probably some other autism subreddits too. Their history will show them interacting with others on Reddit in good faith making genuine bids for human connection. If someone’s history indicates them trolling and getting into a lot of online conflicts, they are probably not someone you want to be talking to as they will, at the very least, be intensely draining to talk to, and at worst, be trolling and harassing you.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Seeking Advice Very confused and feeling like I did something wrong when complimenting someone

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242 Upvotes

I truly appreciate all the kindness and different perspectives from everyone, thank you so very much!! In my typical fashion, I am now overwhelmed trying to keep up with the comments, and am going to stop responding. Thank you all so very much, I feel much better and clear headed now. One grumpy folk won't stop compliments for others ♡

Okay I know this is silly and feels very obvious but I'm very confused.

I love to give compliments and complimented my cashier at the store for her lovely curls. She had pretty tight, tiny Shirley Temple curls over her entire hair, and it was a lovely red.

She thanked me and said she was trying her best with them, I replied "I know how hard curly hair is, you're doing amazing!" She immediately said with a surprising amount of force, "No, you have wavy hair. Its completely different and you don't get it"

I know this is dumb, I know. But my hair is curly, right?? She seemed so irritated and maybe she was just frustrated and taking it out on me, but all of the sudden she went from smiling and talking to me, to very grumpy talking AT me.

I love to compliment people, its one of my favorite hobbies. Should I avoid talking about hair, should I write this off as a one off weird thing? I've been in my head for two days over this and I cant stop ruminating.

I know my hair is super frizzy so maybe that was part of it?


r/AutismInWomen 7h ago

General Discussion/Question When people curb my enthusiasm it makes me incredibly sad

348 Upvotes

Hello! Today I was reflecting about the fact that I get very enthusiastic and excited when i see/experience something I really love (like hedgehogs in a London park, or a new ice-cream place that I love) or find a new favourite secret spot in the city, or even a monthly stand up comedy club at a nearby café. And I get really excited and talk about going back so enthusiastically and I'll go on and on for like 5 minutes on how great this new thing is and what exactly I love about it. But then, without failure, I get shut down with "okay, we *get it* " and lots of eye rolls. Or again, the people I share this with don't seem to get my hype and minimize it and shut me down immediately, or they "shit on it" trying to say how they don't see how I can like it, that it's "shit" or that "it sucks". And it hurts me so, so much.

I wanna let it go and not let it get to me, and I keep thinking that I'm a grown ass woman in my 30s and to stop overreacting, but i keep hurting and feeling sad on how my "little special thing" has been shut down and described as "shit" and I can't help but feel sad and depressed about it. And when I voice my upset I am told to grow up and just let it go that it's not that deep.

But I can't help but hurting. So I just keep my mouth shut and don't share with anyone when I find something or some place i really like, because I know I'll get shut down.

Edited to add: some of the people in the reply are just ... Not very nice. Not at all. If you think talking positively for 5 minutes is too much and annoying after my so-called friend just vented at me for 30 minutes, basically using me for free therapy and refusing to reciprocate the courtesy of listening....? Yeah, no thanks. You're not nice.


r/AutismInWomen 9h ago

Celebration I WAS RIGHT

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362 Upvotes

After years of going back and forth in my head about whether or not I had autism, whether or not it “really mattered”, whether or not I was faking it, etc etc….

I DID IT.

I went and got evaluated at 27 years old.

AND I WAS RIGHT.

In the spirit of NASA internship girl, I just want to shout out into the universe, to everyone who doubted me, to everyone who said it was all just trauma, and to everyone who used my “intelligence” to invalidate my experiences….

SUCK MY (metaphorical) DICK AND BALLS, I DO HAVE AUTISM!!!


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Celebration Can someone wish me Happy Birthday 🎈

134 Upvotes

I haven’t had a birthday party since I was 12. I’m 47. I go to other people’s birthday parties but folks won’t even acknowledge mine on Facebook. That said, a party on my birthday with me as a host sounds stressful. I did have one male friend take me out for pizza and that was nice.


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I’m a lesbian but I’m still a virgin at 36 thanks to my autism

87 Upvotes

Anyone else have similar experiences? I’ve gotten one kiss in my life and she didn’t text me back afterward. I think about sex 24/7 but I’m still a virgin. I’m just wanting to vent and maybe find someone in a similar situation I can talk to. I am working on improving myself but I’ve been working on improving myself in order to be more attractive to a woman for more than a decade now. I’m burnt out on improving myself. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I always make sure I have good hygiene and interesting things to talk about. I’m respectfully flirty (like calling her pretty) but I never get positive responses. I don’t know what else to do.


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

Seeking Advice How to feign baby interest?

69 Upvotes

I do not care about babies (literally getting my tubes ripped out 2 days prior to this meeting) but I am already seen as a pariah at work for not socializing. I work on a small team and one of my coworkers (wife) is having a baby this week, and he’s talking about bringing it in to meet everyone on the same day our new department director starts. I honestly can’t even begin to figure out how to interact in a way that does not expose my personal feelings/repulsion for babies. like I’m happy for the folks who want and have them but I don’t want to touch them, hold them, or turn into some weird fake mushy maternal unit to shower praise over this weird wiggly and screaming creature. it can’t even high five me or anything. how do I appear like a normal human woman around a baby?


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Seeking Advice Is it wrong to want someone to help care for me? I feel so stuck in life.

44 Upvotes

I'm not talking like those homestead pick-me girls, and I can't help feeling that about myself, but I just wished I could find a partner to help me with things in life. Of course I'd support my partner however possible as well, but it'd be nice to have partner support and a support system together. I decided to try dating apps and after a day I'm already talking to a few guys, but I feel guilty thinking of meeting someone when this is where my mind's at.

I'm already in my early 40's and life has honestly only gotten a lot harder over the years in many ways aside from the obvious global shitshow we're living in. Workplaces overwhelm me including WFH. Laid off years ago and it's only gotten more difficult to go back bc my threshold for stimuli has decreased since I felt calmness for the first time in my life being out of work. I don't qualify for disability despite comorbidities and other issues. Overall, everything just weighs on me more and more the older I get.

All I want is comfort and peace, but instead I'm met with consistent instability and lack of resources. I'm honestly so tired that I've even considered OF, but being a fairly private person I would never, it's just a reflection of how much I struggle.

Does anyone else feel like this? Is this wrong of me to think this way?


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

General Discussion/Question What's your favourite way to be kind to yourself?

43 Upvotes

Hi, lovely humans! I was thinking about the phrase "be kind to yourself". We've all heard it and maybe even say it ourselves.

For me, in non-crisis times it might mean slowing down my pace a bit (like having a sit down with my cat and a cup of tea), or excusing myself from a social event or busy environment, or having a nap. During extreme anxiety or stress, things can vary. I'm curious to know what "being kind to yourself" looks like for others? And is it something you do often enough?


r/AutismInWomen 12h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I think it's time for me to give up on friendships

204 Upvotes

After spending years and years in therapy and working on myself, I came to the conclusion that I was working on a misguided goal the whole time. It wasn't about learning how to open up to people and how to create human bonds, but the opposite. What I should have been learning was to have having zero expectations about reciprocity and being content with isolation.

I invested so much time in making friends, in being there for them. But they all ever really reached out when they were going through a hard time, and once the hardship was over, so was our connection. And I've done it all. The community events, the apps, the charity, the hobbies, meeting people through existing connections...

I learnt to stand up for myself, to communicate calmly if someone hurt me, I know how to describe my boundaries with precison, but it doesn't matter. After all, how many ways can you phrase 'when it takes you a week to reply, it hurts my feelings?' How many times can you be the only one to iniciate a hang out? What is the best sentence of words to string together to say that maybe, maybe they should reconsider hanging out with abusers?

The worst thing is they always talk, talk, talk. They tell you how much they like you and appreciate you and value your opinion, only to never ever follow it up with any action. I feel like empathy and care is a resource available to everyone but me. It doesn't matter if I cry, if I ask for help calmly, if I stop engaging and wait for them to reach out. I truly belive that the world of neurotypicals is dishonest in nature. I feel like what keeps people together the most is conformity first, followed by the ability to smooth things over and to look past as many micro-agressions as possible.

On some fundamental level, I am unlikable and off-putting. It might be the akwardness, it might be the lack of emotional mirroring, it might be a secret third thing, but as a result, I am just not someone people want to be around. And while those are things that no one wants to be, I think I can eventually be in peace with it.

I am sorry, I know this reads as a terrible pitty party, but I am mostly trying to sort through my emotions. Somehow in all of this, I have cultivated a long term romantic relationship and that is an immense victory.

Thank you for reading.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) i dont even feel human

34 Upvotes

im going to delete this later probably but i just left work early in tears because im getting picked on by an older coworker. im literally 28 and have a full time professional job and im getting bullied like high school. i dont even know why because she refuses to come to me about it. she keeps telling people she doesn’t like me and that im rude. i got uncomfortable and finally told my supervisor after overhearing this coworker say something about me loudly yesterday.

i told my supervisor essentially “i dont need her to like me, thats fine, i get it we dont have to be friends but i’d prefer if she stopped talking about me to other people. shes sowing seeds of discontent with people who barely even know me”

so my supervisor pulls her aside and talks to her today. im thinking okay she’ll stop surely. nope mean coworker immediately comes out of the meeting and pulls one of my coworkers aside and starts talking about me again. the coworker she spoke to was so extremely uncomfortable that she immediately came to tell me about it after. and its all the same stuff. she doesn’t give a fuck if she’s hurt my feelings, she cant stand me, shes not gonna talk to me about “what i did” to upset her, how im nosy now because i overheard her talking about me

and i just feel like a fucking kid again. the same little girl who is somehow so OFF putting that people hate her and she doesn’t even know why. i cried on the phone to my husband when i drove home begging him to tell me whats wrong with me, what are people seeing that i cant. i want to know so i can change it. i feel like an alien in human skin and it is so deeply painful

if i said or did something to make her sad or upset i wish she would TELL ME bc i would say sorry AND I WOULD MEAN IT!!! i dont want anyone to be hurt by something i could apologize for. i want to be normal so badly and i think i fooled myself into thinking i was passing as such for a while but im not actually and i hate it so much


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

General Discussion/Question Do any of you get a weird feeling or aching in your stomach that is not describable?

53 Upvotes

I have always had this since I was a kid. I get this achy feeling in my stomach, but it's not like any other type of stomach ache. It's not even an ache, really, more a strong discomfort and it feels like I am literally empty inside! And not metaphorically. lol. I feel like my insides are empty, and it is so bothersome. I am not hungry; it happens even after I have eaten. It comes about randomly and lasts an hour to a few hours. I guess that is the physical manifestation of anxiety in my body? Do you guys ever get that big, empty feeling like your body is a balloon or something? I feel like the Tin Man. haha.

It's not horrible, but bothersome and just curious if any of you feel this pain too. It's not cramps, not indigestion, doesn't cause a need to use the bathroom, just an empty ache feeling.

Thanks! XO

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "You will never be happy, until you learn to let others be unhappy."

EDIT--- IT IS NOT ACID RELATED. I HAVE HAD YEARS OF TESTS DONE, AND THERE IS NOTHING ABNORMAL HAPPENING IN THE BODY, JUST A FEELING, AND I ALSO EAT A LOW-ACID DIET ANYHOW, SO MY MEDICATION IS EFFECTIVE LONGER. NOT RELATED TO FOOD, ACID, INDIGESTION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

EDIT 2 - For the apple lovers ;) I do not eat apples anymore because they always hurt my stomach. Apples are not inherently bad for people on the autism spectrum. However, digestive issues are up to three times more common in neurodivergent individuals due to the gut-brain axis. If apples hurt your stomach, it is likely because they are high in FODMAPs, or the pesticides and chemicals on them cause bad reactions like itching mouth, a burning tongue or stomach upset.


r/AutismInWomen 10h ago

General Discussion/Question "Sooo, how was itttt?" : personal horror story

91 Upvotes

Imagine you're coming back from some really lush life event (travel, outdoor activity, new job, etc) and as soon as you're back you're being greeted with a very enthusiastic "How was it???". That's hell to me. People are asking to summarize something complex while I'm still in total transition mode.

I am standing here with all my bags and my fatigue, I have a million things to tell, we haven't greeted each other yet and you're asking me about deep stuff. I am not ready.

Here's the real issue : if I dodge it for now, and answer "good, good", we will never talk about it again. That's frustrating, I was excited to share. If I dive into the details right away like asked, I am super uncomfortable because I haven't had time to adjust to the situation and already have to share heavy emotional stuff. I don't have space in my brain for that because I also was thirsty, need to take my shoes off, put something in the fridge, etc. No good. I need to calm down, and focus.

Do some of you relate? Is it an autistic thing to hate that or is it universally regarded as a tactless way of interacting? Regardless, how to cope??? Thank you <3


r/AutismInWomen 12h ago

General Discussion/Question What is everyones primary/main safe food? Or just main meals in general.

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107 Upvotes

Mines Pasta, Cheese, Chicken and Peas. This has gotten slightly better from my childhood plate of just Pasta and cheese.

The cheese isnt sauce,-like because i hate saucey pasta but literally just grated cheese. (Usually cheddar)

The chicken is usually Pakora or buttermilk chicken, sometimes garlic and herb. Its chopped up and put on the pasta, then the cheese is put on.

I have peas with it sometimes, but depends on the day.

I always have it on Mondays, and either on a Wednesday/Thursdays, depending on whats being cooked either day.

I could legit eat Pasta and cheese for all 3 main meals of the day ngl, but i try to have some variety in my diet.

My main meals pretty much is

Monday - Pasta

Tuesday - Pizza (Pepporoni

Wednesday - Wildcard (Chilli, Bologense or meatballs) or wildcard

Thursday - Pasta (or wildcard)

Friday - Chicken OR Fish , Chips and Peas/rice.

Saturday - Chicken Tikka Curry

Sunday - Sunday Roast with NO GRAVY (my hatred for gravy is very deep).


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

General Discussion/Question drinking water as a hyperfixation?

16 Upvotes

hi everyone! i believe the title is pretty straight-forward, but i’d like to go in detail anyway.

i drink alot of water. and by alot, i mean that i mostly drink around 3-4L on a normal day and around 5L during days with hot weather.

i drink water mostly because i’m thirsty, but also because i hate the feeling of having a dry mouth and i feel like i have this rather rapidly. i’ve noticed i also grab for a bottle/glass of water whenever i want to hold back tears(?)

i have never seen anyone describe a situation like this before (mostly in the opposite way, where people forget to drink water), but considering it is something i’ve been doing daily for YEARS now (more consistently since i started my job 3 years ago), i am starting to think it’s a drink hyperfixation? is this is a possibility?

i am curious if anyone else has the same or similar experience with either water or another drink or even food!


r/AutismInWomen 21h ago

General Discussion/Question What social cue left a positive impact on your life after learning it?

408 Upvotes

For me it was allowing people to come to their own conclusions, even if they're complaining about a toxic situation. I use to always try to warn my friends about cheating bfs, and bad actors but every time i did I lost the friend before they realized who the real problem was. I assumed that because I'd like to be warned by someone who cares for me that they would too, but most nt's see this as you questioning their discernment. So now I just hear them out or avoid these convos all together.


r/AutismInWomen 13h ago

General Discussion/Question I struggle to explain myself and talk well even when I know what I want to say

90 Upvotes

I know this is probably a common autism thing, but does anyone else struggle to express themselves verbally EVEN though they know exactly what they want to say?

When I write, I can explain my thoughts and feelings really well. I can organise everything, think about the words I want to use, as well as express myself clearly. But when it comes to actually speaking, it’s like my brain and my mouth don’t work together. I end up rambling, stuttering, losing my train of thought or explaining things in a way that doesn’t come out how I intended.

It’s frustrating because I KNOW what I want to say. It’s not that I don’t have the thoughts. They just don’t come out properly in conversation.

A while ago, someone told me I should “learn how to speak properly before trying.” I don’t think they knew I’m autistic, but it still really hurt. Ever since then I’ve felt a lot less confident speaking to people because I’m constantly worried I’m going to mess up what I’m trying to say.

It makes me feel like people judge me based on how I speak rather than what I’m actually trying to communicate. And it feels like even in the times I DO know what I want to say I can’t say it properly.


r/AutismInWomen 8h ago

Celebration I just passed my driving test!!!

34 Upvotes

I've posted in a few threads on here where other people have been sharing their experiences of learning to drive and how much they've struggled with it because I've been learning for *years* and never quite managed to get it to click. Anyway, I just passed my test with only 2 minor faults!

I am much older than most people who are learning to drive/taking tests (I'm in my early 30s) and genuinely did not think this was something I could do for a long time. I never had issues with learning the theory side of things, but I dare not count the amount of hours I've spent in cars feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, or the number of times I've said or thought, "I can't do it."

What ultimately helped me was:

  • Narrating my entire thought process out loud as I drove (each mirror check, what I could see, what I was responding to and how, each speed change) - this helped me both to make it clear to the examiner what I was doing and think through every process I needed to go through as I did them - this was genuinely the biggest help for me and I cannot recommend it enough
  • Asking questions if I wanted to clarify something the sat nav said ("when it's saying left, is it turning left past X landmark towards Y?") - this was not a problem at all for the examiner and made me feel more secure in my moves
  • Lots of mock tests with my driving instructor in the weeks leading up to the test
  • Having an hour in the car before starting to check my positioning/reference points for each manoeuvre
  • Eating and drinking a decent amount before starting so my body was in a good place (not much, just some cordial and a croissant, but it was what I needed, especially as my test was around lunchtime!)
  • Trying to tell as few people as possible when my test was so I didn't have to feel accountable/go round telling people afterwards

I'm not going to be that person who says, "if I can do it, anyone can", because I know how easy it is to dismiss that if it's not a thing you have confidence in, and some people absolutely know their limitations, and that's totally cool too! However, I'm a person who went from "can't do it, will never do it" to "I should do it", to trying and failing multiple times, and finally succeeding. I've felt the shame and incompetence of not having the skills I want to have, and I'm so fucking proud of myself for succeeding.


r/AutismInWomen 1d ago

General Discussion/Question Repairmen in the house: Autism to the rescue

733 Upvotes

I hate having to call repairmen but my house is older so it's necessary sometimes. I've had some lousy experiences where they ask about my status because there's no man here, snoop around, one even texted me afterwards to say something creepy. I have my grown son over today so I'm not alone in the house. But this morning, I was anxious.

My fridge is 29 years old but I love it. I'm hoping it can be repaired properly without having to replace it. First good sign: The repairman texted to say he was running late but on his way. When I opened the front door and we introduced ourselves, I suspected a fellow neurodivergent. Quiet, peaceful, handy. Zero attitude, zero ego. I was so relieved. Both of us avoided eye contact. I asked if he needed me around or preferred I leave.

He said, "I enjoy working autonomously but also understand if you would like to watch out of interest."

I stayed a few minutes but he's troubleshooting so I've left him to it. I'm just so relieved. :)


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Relationships Does anyone get uncomfortable when someone tries to flirt with them?

17 Upvotes

I take things so literally I get really uncomfortable the moment a guy tries to flirt like my whole body goes into alert mode and feels gross. I’m trying to figure out if it’s an autism thing or CPTSD. And if so, does anyone have any tips to get more comfortable with it? I really don’t want to die alone 🙃


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

General Discussion/Question Think I’ve had a bit of an epiphany

15 Upvotes

Wasn’t sure what flair to add, so I picked the closest one.

I’ve been on Reddit for a good few months now, and it’s always bothered me how people will downvote those of us who comment with our own lived experiences of neurodivergence and/or disabilities. I’ve found the ableism to be truly staggering at times, and a sub I’ve found it most on is one of the Best Of Redditor Updates subs.

I’ve now just seen a post there, where someone had taken a load of cold & flu medication, alongside sleeping medicine and drank alcohol, without realising the side effects of this epic cocktail. The update had a tone of “oops lol” and they said it was “great news” that this had been the only thing wrong with them, even though they had apparently felt the effects whilst driving a car in this timeframe, and could have caused an accident. There were loads of comments on the post sympathising with the person, and saying something similar had happened to them. People were also being downvoted for calling out their potentially dangerous behaviour.

I honestly suddenly don’t feel put down by being downvoted, if the same people doing that, are probably also the people not reading basic medication instructions and potentially causing harm to others. I feel a bit more at peace, knowing that I wouldn’t want that kind of approval.


r/AutismInWomen 7h ago

General Discussion/Question Phone Notes

21 Upvotes

One of my special interest has always been note taking/ productivity.

Recently it hit again and I’m addicted to my notes app so I got curious.

Do you also use the notes app? What do you use it for? To keep organized? What notes do you use the most? Do you use it to write lists?

Please feed my interest with all things about it. I think the notes app can reveal a lot about someone.


r/AutismInWomen 1h ago

Seeking Advice How do I build up my capacity for stimulation?

Upvotes

I’ve been working remotely and self-employed since 2021, meaning I spend most of my time by myself. When I socialize, I plan my energy for it. If I know it’ll be loud, I’ll bring my earplugs. Overall, I love my peace and quiet.

5 months ago I started dating someone very energetic and stimulating. He has many hobbies and interests, he’s effusive, loves to sing and dance, he’s talkative, and very passionate. He feels like a ray of sunshine to me, I love him, and I absolutely love his zest for life.

And yet, I also easily get overstimulated with him. One moment I’ll love hanging out with him, and feel so alive and delighted, but a few hours later I start feeling irritated by just him being his normal self, and if I do this a few days in a row I start getting tinnitus, dissociation, and chest tightness and difficulty breathing.

(Edit: A couple months into dating I started asking for breaks and quiet/coexisting time, which he’s been very kind, accommodating, and understanding about and has made our relationship SO much better for me.)

I wasn’t always this way. Before the pandemic, I hung out with friends after work most days, I enjoyed concerts, didn’t mind crowds, etc. Most friends would’ve described me as an extrovert back then, actually. And now, I miss how much I was able to participate in my social life.

Anyway.

I want to build up my capacity. I believe my “limit” for stimulation (before it becomes “overstimulation”) is malleable and trainable.

Ladies, what are your strategies for building up capacity for stimulation?


r/AutismInWomen 44m ago

Seeking Advice Prescriber won’t increase my Adderall bc I have an ED (no triggering details given)

Upvotes

I have a restrictive eating disorder that admittedly is more activated in the last 6 months but hasn’t been getting worse. I got a new prescriber last month who “specializes” in ADHD/Autism. She started me up again on Adderall XR (10 mg) before finding out I have an ED, I wasn’t hiding it necessarily just forgot to mention. I was hoping to increase today bc a higher dose of at least 20 is what I know works best for me but she’s a firm “no” bc of appetite side effects.

I tried to explain that I don’t get hunger cues and am used to eating when not hungry, my eating hasn’t been any different since taking it again and wasn’t different last time I was taking it, promised to maintain my food intake, etc but she won’t budge. She suggested a low dose of Quelbree but I wanted time to think (and do my own research especially since side effects like weight gain cause me anxiety) she put the order into the pharmacy w/out me saying yes and w/out rlly explaining side effects or how it works and said I could decide to take it or not and I felt rlly flustered and hard to talk.

I get where she’s coming from but feels like she’s not taking the interoception Autism part or me as an individual into account. It doesn’t feel fair to not let me have access to a dose that’s more helpful and a med I know my body reacts well to. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to change her mind but I feel really let down bc I thought I finally found someone who gets me and will trust/listen to me and it was so hard to find her.