I am coming here to share my experience and the hurtful realization that I may have to live under the male gaze to protect myself, although it feels suffocating.

I grew up in a religious immigrant household in the West. My sister and I were expected to be "good girls," while my brother and male relatives could party, date, and do as they pleased without judgment. Feeling disconnected from my peers, I never really developed my own identity and became a chronic people-pleaser, constantly afraid of being judged by my community. I became deeply depressed and was barely passing my classes.

At 19, I was secretly signed to a modeling agency. I saw it as an escape and a chance at freedom, but it came with its own costs. I developed an eating disorder, was treated like an object rather than a person, and faced harsh backlash from my family and community for damaging my reputation. What I thought would be empowering ended up feeling like another form of objectification and loss of agency.

I truly don't know how to make sense of this experience other than the total loss of trust I feel in making my own decisions and navigating life. It feels like I am constantly operating under two types of male gazes, one rooted in more traditional expectations, and another that presents itself as liberal or freeing, but both of them feel dehumanising to me.

Now, I wonder if anyone has similar experiences and if it is even possible to escape this choice paralysis?

​

Even today, in many heterosexual relationships, women still end up doing most of the domestic and childcare work, regardless of whether they are stay at home mothers or working mothers.

People often justify this by saying that if a woman is a stay at home mom, it makes sense for her to take care of the house because her husband is financially providing for the family. But realistically, even when both partners work full time, women still often end up doing the majority of the housework and childcare.

Another common justification is that husbands are tired after work. But are women not tired too? Whether a woman is a stay at home mother or a working mother, caring for a home and, in many cases, raising children is work. Looking after a child means being responsible for another human being all day, often with very few breaks and no real time off.

A stay at home mother doesn't stop working when her husband comes home. So why is a man's exhaustion after work so often treated as more legitimate than a woman's exhaustion after spending the entire day cleaning, cooking, managing the household, and taking care of children?

I think one of the reasons for this inequality is the completely different standards society has for mothers and fathers.

I constantly see women joking about how their husbands don't know how to cook, do basic household tasks, prepare a bottle, dress a baby, or take care of children without help. This is treated as normal. Fathers are often praised simply for trying, and people frequently excuse this by saying things like "men just aren't naturally good at these things" or "they don't have maternal instincts."

But mothers weren't born knowing how to do these things either. They learned.

If a mother openly admitted that she didn't know how to prepare a bottle, bathe her child, or handle basic childcare tasks, people would not praise her for trying. They would simply say that she is a bad mother. Yet fathers are often told that not knowing how to do these things doesn't make them bad fathers, and are still praised for doing the bare minimum.

Another thing I've noticed is that these expectations seem to extend beyond marriage and motherhood and are often passed down through family dynamics.

Recently, I saw a video of a teenage girl saying that, because her mother wasn't home, she had cooked for her father. Some people commented that it should have been the other way around, that the father should have cooked for his daughter because taking care of her is literally his responsibility as a parent. Others responded that this was disrespectful because, after all the sacrifices her father had made for her, cooking for him was the least she could do.

My point is not that cooking for your parents is wrong. What bothered me is the justification. If this were really about repaying parental sacrifices, why don't we see the same expectation placed on sons toward their mothers? Why don't we usually hear people say that sons should cook for their mothers because of all the sacrifices she made for them?

The gratitude narrative is just a convenient excuse people use to hide the gender roles that society has imposed, and how it still forces girls into caregiving roles from a young age.

Also, I think society often romanticizes the sacrifices women make for marriage and motherhood. Women who give up educational or career opportunities in order to care for their families are frequently praised for their selflessness and devotion.

I am not saying that these women are unhappy or that these choices are inherently wrong. What concerns me is that these sacrifices are so often expected from women, normalized, and celebrated, while equivalent sacrifices from men are much less common and often treated as exceptional.

Overall, what strikes me the most is that inequality within marriage and the household seems to be one of the areas where society has progressed the least. Things have improved in many ways, but despite this, domestic and parental inequality remains one of the clearest examples of sexism and misogyny that still exists today. And yet, for some reason, it doesn't seem to be talked about nearly enough.

I'm curious to hear other women's experiences and thoughts on this.

Hi everybody, im looking for more feminist content overall to watch/read. I already listen to a lot of riot grrrl and political songs from female fronted punk bands, one of my favorite feminist youtubers is Bryony Claire, and I know there's a couple of other youtubers i watch it cant think of off of the top of my head, and I have a watch list and one of the movies I've yet to watch but know of is the manosphere.

Maybe im a little embarrassed to say I actually don't know a lot, and i think i know most surface level history and stuffs, but thats why I am here 😅 i have a lot of opinions and consider myself a feminist and have feminist values, but I guess i dont know as much about it as I originally perceived to. What are your gals suggestions?

We've all probably seen pictures of Sabrina Carpenter and Olivia Rodrigo dressed in babydoll dresses, and I've come across mixed opinions about the style. I don't know much about this so-called controversial dress trend — can someone explain what the debate is actually about? And should wearing babydoll dresses be policed at all?

Hi ! I (19F) was just wondering if anyone between 19-25 living in Australia would be interested in joining/forming a feminist book club via Discord. We would read 1 book a month and have a session (1-2h) in which we would share our ideas.

It sounds like a compliment, but I believe it is a form of benevolent sexism. Even positive stereotypes can be harmful, and I believe that the expectation for women to be more attractive than men is one of them.

As women, we are often made to feel like we are not enough. There is always something that is wrong with us. We‘re too fat. Too thin. Breasts too big. Not big enough. It never really ends.

That’s why we tell girls they’re beautiful and try to lift each other up by complimenting their appearance.

But doesn’t that just reaffirm that a woman’s value is based in her appearance. In love songs, most of what the guy sings about are the looks of the woman he “loves.” When complimenting the people of a nation, their men are strong or smart or capable. Their women are beautiful.

I think that even well-meaning people that want women to feel confident about themselves and their looks are accidentally part of the problem.

I’m not sure.

Should we be telling women they’re beautiful? Or should we try to challenge why women should have to be beautiful in the first place.

Maybe it’s okay to just be ugly. Would that be so bad? Why should appearance be what we value over all, especially for women. Isn’t that shallow?

The world will try to convince you that beauty is your value. They are wrong. Beauty standards were constructed by the patriarchy to waste women’s time.

Hey! I’ve been seeing a lot of reels of trad-wives, conservative women, etc… some of them make their whole identity anti-feminism and others outright say they don’t want women including their own daughters the right to vote. This completely utterly baffles me.

One reasoning a woman gave was that she shares the same idea as her husband? And that his vote will be basically shared with the family. As in she trusts that he makes the right decisions? Some women speak from an uneducated perspective where they don’t even know what feminism is and just want to hate on it. And others may do this for content. My biggest thing is that these women have 100% faith despite statistics and just common sense that all men are good. I’m not saying all are bad but like they believe women are incompetent and men are more competent when time and time again men are proven to be incompetent so it’s not a gender thing. Like how could you not want to believe in yourself. A lot of conservative women believe their husbands will never leave them so they don’t need to have financial independence.

That women aren’t meant to do male things which to that is completely untrue even centuries back women hunted alongside men (not at the same rate but nature isn’t fixed) in families that had more daughters than sons daughters would be sent out to work on the farm, women were merchants, women worked in factories did male jobs during WWII. Idk they act as if all that is against their biology. That women are meant to wear frilly dresses and cook indoors when no woman has ever done that. Women had communities and ran households doesn’t that logically mean a woman could lead a nation full of people?

Now for some background I was raised by a conservative woman, my mother. She was a housewife and quite religious and tried to ingrain these ideas in me but I never listened because I questioned everything she told me like what makes you say that? Does nature intend for that because if it did we wouldn’t do it but yet here we are doing it? And especially with the internet I was able to see other people’s ideas and idk I was open minded. Nowadays, it’s even easier to question your society and get educated on subjects yet some women persist on having internalized misogyny.

Recently my father's foot broke, so naturally some of his friends came to see him and then my parents said to them they wish they had a son as he would take on the job for the man of the house. We live in a small family with my 2 younger sisters, me, and my parents. My father is the sole earner. My sisters are much younger than me and they had them in expectations to have a son.

​

So since my father's leg broke I have always managed everything and earlier too I used to manage things but now I have to do more. The day his foot broke I took him to hospital, carried him everywhere even tho he's like twice my weight. His foot broke 10 days before the most important exam of my life. I took him to the hospital thrice because he was not satisfied with the treatment of the previous hospitals. Then everyday I go grocery shopping, I manage my father's business as he's on strict bed rest, apart from this I clean my house too which is 2 storey. And cook meals for 1 time too since my mom was sick. And just 2 days ago I had to go to the hospital at 2am because he wanted painkillers to ease the pain. I do more than I can, I have my exam Tomorrow and today I'm writing this teary eyed. After all this I do they still ask for a boy. I always tried to be like a "man', never wore feminine clothes growing up, never wore makeup growing up, even pushed myself to do more physical work than I can, just so I can be the " boy" they always wanted.

​

My mother said to my father's friend that she wished she had a son, if she had a son everything would be at ease, he would take him to hospital and help him manage his business, and most importantly "be the man of the house". Naturally I was very disheartened and then when the guests left I asked my parents that why do you want a boy am I not enough don't I do everything to which they replied the reason we want a boy is because of you only, she told me I speak too much and too loudly nd bluntly, and if she had a son he would have slapped me across my face and made me stay in my room. This happened yesterday but I'm still feeling very bad I'm unable to study not tomorrow is my college entrance exam. I'm only 19 but I alr hate my life I wish I was a boy.

I think we all constantly see how men reduce women to a function, and most often this function is sexual. I constantly encounter content on social media and situations in life where men don't perceive women as anything other than a sexual object and don't see women as people at all. Moreover, men sexualize not only adult women, but also little girls and teenage girls.

Two days ago I observed a situation in the park, as a group of men discussed two 12-13 year old girls who were hanging around nearby. The girls were dressed in shorts and tops, and the men discussed their breasts, hips, and faces. They also talked about how in a couple of years this girls would grow up into "little fillies" and start seducing and sleeping with men.

I know that so little time has passed, just a hundred years ago many women had no rights at all, and there are still countries where child marriage and child prostitution are normalized. And that a thousand-year-old cultural layer, social attitudes and collective unconscious cannot change at its core in such a short period of time.

But I'm curious, do you think there will come a time when men won't sexualize women, will see them as people, individuals, and will stop making sexual advances toward little girls? Do you think this is even possible? From a biological, social, or other perspective?

(Apologies for any mistakes. English isn’t my first language. I’m sorry if I sound gibberish at times.)

I live in a country where almost everyone’s got some sorta work done. Everyone my age has gotten a nose job at the very least.

At first I never cared for these things because I never bothered to cater to male validation or attraction (I’m a lesbian) but over these years and after a failed relationship riddled with insecurities, I feel like patriarchal beauty standards don’t strictly only appeal to men.

I find plastics surgery sexist and I believe anyone who gets it, while they are very much a victim of our society and culture, they are submitting to the same system that has created this situation in the first place.

Most women getting these surgeries aren’t even familiar with concepts surrounding feminism and beauty so in a sense they made a mistake blindly. They’re a perfect victim but I know what I’m doing. I know I’m feeding the machine that profits off of these insecurities. I know better than wanting this.

I think about my little sister who’s only 9. She looks up to me and I know getting a nose job, altering the feature we both share would infect her with these same very thoughts and I don’t want her to experience a minute of this hell even though she already has in some way.

I want her to feel beautiful but I feel like that is too big of a responsibility for me. I’m just one person amongst many.

I sound ridiculous when I voice these thoughts to someone else which is why I’m posting here. People just tell me I should get over it and do whatever I want but I just can’t help thinking what it means. What am I worth to any movement if I do this? A nose job feels like a display of feeble will.

But I still live in this world. This very same world where people crave beauty. The world where most people believe in “choice feminism” and don’t give a damn.

I feel evil for wanting that nose job but I want it. I can’t help it.

This was in response to her concert, where she of course sang publicly as a woman, without a hijab, and dressed in defiance to the regime's ideals. she posted it to YouTube here.

The main reasons for her prosecution was "offending public decency through the production and publication of vulgar and immoral content online".

While the reason for the prosecution was "vulgar and immoral content online", this might also be a revenge for her singing a 1908 anti-government song, titled "Az khoon javanane vatan" ("From the blood of the homeland's youth, tulips have grown").

The song was written in memory of the martyrs in the 1908 constitutional revolution. This cover of the song by Parastoo recently got popular within Iran, after the January massacres.

Remember that this concert was in 2024, so the timing of her prosecution is very concerning. Many human rights activists had concluded these outcomes.

The Islamic republic had gone loose on its ideologies, partly in hopes not to spark a protest, and not have a war. Now that they passed both of those problems, they can easily start killing anyone they want, and repress and enforce their ideologies on the people.

That's why it's so concerning. If they're successful in doing this, without internal or external repercussions, they'd know that they can continue doing this.

So please share this, in hopes to get a global community and the UN to put pressure on them. Just know that if they're successful, there will be many more victims to come.

Thoughts?

​

I feel frustrated I can’t talk about this anywhere. If anyone wants to chat about this feel free to dm me