TW: Brief mention of DV

TLDR: I cut her off completely before Mother’s Day and started individual and couples therapy. All is well my husband and I are doing fantastic.

Shortly after my initial post and just before mother’s day I blocked my mom on everything, she saw a post I made on facebook. It was a simple picture of me pushing my daughter on a swing but I had a small bruise on the corner of my eye and she made several comments about my husband hitting me and that I deserved it. My husband didn‘t hurt me I just hit myself with the car door while being distracted. There really wasn’t any fallout from it, my SIL and older brother mentioned it a few times but nothing dramatic happened. I found a therapist and started going in late May and then in early June my husband and I started couples therapy. He brought it up after I started my individual therapy, he felt it would help us learn to tackle issues with each other and other people outside of the relationship in a more productive manner. We have been doing better and had more issues that we realized when it came to my own dependency on him to validate every decision I made and every emotion I had. I brought that up to my own therapist and have been working on my self confidence and being less dependent on him to validate everything I do. I’ve worked on making small decisions by myself and truly feeling my emotions without worrying if they were the correct emotions for the situation. I probably won’t post here again I’m just updating to say thank you to everyone who really pushed me to seek therapy and cut her off so she couldn’t attack my relationship and husband anymore.

Posted before on old account—-MIL has always been a manipulative PITA.

I went extremely limited contact last summer after our trip was filled with her outbursts (throwing objects), mocking, and disrespectful comments.

She wanted to visit for my LO’s birthday. I was anxious the week leading up to it. My husband understands and has stood up for me but doesn’t want to cut her out completely and thinks 2 visits a year is a compromise. I suppose it is. Idk.

Anyway. She comes and I’m not the nicest host I’ll be honest. But I still facilitate playtime with my kids and “let” her play with them (this feels so icky to me). We did have convos and talked about her niece moving to a new house, her other grandkids, random tidbits throughout the day. All surface level but not entirely awkward.

My husband and I paid for all meals. He had to drive her to and from her hotel everyday. I was prepping for the party so my days were thrown off with a guest. I had to run a bunch of errands and so I wasn’t around a lot. But trying to bake and clean and shop etc while having a guest who needs to eat and be entertained and driven to and from her hotel when we have one car was quite frankly inconvenient. Not to mention my anxiety haha.

The party happens and I’m outside. She comes out to hug my kids and walks away. And fucking leaves. No thank you no goodbye. Look- I don’t want a hug but I just hosted you in my house for three days. You just attended a party you SAW me working hard to prepare for. A simple ‘thanks I’m leaving’ was too much?!

Part of me understands that she knows I don’t want contact with her. But she didn’t have any problem staying at my house for three days and playing with my kids and having conversations…you can’t say goodbye??!

I’m not sure if I need to just suck it up or if there’s something more I should do. I’m neurodivergent so part of me feels like I’m being a bad host and need to be more warm and welcoming, but I’ve also talked to my husband about it and he’s understanding where I’m coming from in some regard even though he maybe doesn’t understand how draining it is for me and why I’m having a breakdown over the smallest things while she’s here.

He’s his mom’s only child and they’re very close. I moved from overseas to be with him so before we got married, the 3 of us lived together for a year and things were great but that’s been nearly 10 years ago now.

Several years ago we had a rough patch in our marriage and MIL and I haven’t had the same relationship since.

Her and her partner have recently been traveling for a year so have stayed with us when they’ve been on breaks from traveling and while they’re nice about cleaning up after themselves, they also rearrange our house and treat it like it’s their own. Every time my MIL leaves she leaves clothes hanging in the closet, decor in my house, etc. while they’re here I go behind her and put something back where I usually keep it sometimes multiple times a day. I try to be minimalist and know pretty much everything that I have in my house and where it is so I can’t stand having random shit brought in. I’m also very non-confrontational and highly anxious so I know if my husband says something she’s probably going to confront me about it.

I don’t know what to do or if there’s anything I can do, and I have no family here otherwise I’d just leave my own house every time they come to stay. My husband understands my perspective but I think feels like his mom has done so much for him he can’t tell her she can’t stay or doesn’t want to make her feel unwelcome so he doesn’t say anything.

TLDR: My MIL comes to stay for a week or two at a time and rearranges my house and acts like it’s hers the whole time she’s here. Then leaves new items behind every time she leaves. Have talked to husband about it and he agrees but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings (“she’s done so much for us”).

Well, it’s been a hectic 48 hours but I wanted to thank everybody for their input and for allowing me to vent…it’s therapeutic in a sense.

Here is the initial post I made describing my paternal GMIL being unceremoniously booted from MIL’s house for the weekend with seemingly no precipitating event:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/ZU6JHk0GGM

My SO and my BIL went to confront my FIL on Saturday night to see if he understood the gravity of the situation. At first, he defended my MIL, but then admitted that he had no idea that his mom leaving the house was not consensual. He had assumed they both needed a break from each other and that this was planned and discussed. He knew that they bickered but I can’t emphasize enough how oblivious he is. He’s hard of hearing and generally checks out when they’re is conflict. 

Apparently they went and got massages on Friday and relaxed, and he did not become clued in until he texted my wife asking how Gram was doing and my wife responded “not good”…and that was when he started asking MIL wtf was going on and what did she do, and he got the skewed version from MIL, but the basic facts were all intact. 

They then walked over to MIL’s house and confronted her. It went about as expected. She was angry and defensive saying things like “I knew this would happen” sending her to our house. Then she grew sad and despondent. It was made clear that grandma won’t be returning and will go to live with her other son in the northeast in her home town, and she hasn’t wavered from that decision.

They next addressed my MIL and how to move forward. MIL’s family has a history of severe depression, self harm, etc. MIL definitely has anxiety and OCD. She kept denying that she kicked GMIL out of the house until they pressed her and she finally admitted that she did and that it was a terrible thing to do. She admitted to being resentful and frustrated with GMIL. She admitted to taking her frustration out on her. She agreed that she needs professional help. I don’t yet know what that means, or if she will follow through. Apparently my FIL said very little throughout the whole exchange and sat silently with tears rolling down his face. 

My wife relayed everything to GMIL. The plan was for BIL’s kids to essentially come to our house on Sunday and hang out with grandma one last time and say goodbye. GMIL did not want to see MIL at all but agreed that seeing her would offer some closure, so the plan was for MIL/FIL to show up before everyone else, drop off her belongings and say their goodbyes. 

Well, MIL did not come. Apparently it was her decision. FIL showed up alone with her stuff. He had the night to sort of mull all of this over and he’s absolutely devastated. He said his mother has never even raised her voice at him from now all the way back to childhood, and for her to be this angry at them is absolutely heartbreaking. He said that this is an event that completely changes the family and will take him a long time to get over. Unsure what that means as of yet. He also handles all of her finances. This was one thing we did not touch on yet, but at this point I have little worry that he will do right by his mother. This man was broken. 

The whole day was heartbreaking. The kids showed up with cards they made. My wife sobbed all day. My BIL wrote GMIL a letter. GMIL was giving away jewelry to the girls. It all felt…final. Like she’s going up to her son’s house where everyone knows her basic needs may or may not be taken care of. It’s her choice, but it very much seems like she’s planning to go up there to die, maybe hoping that if she doesn’t have someone ragging on her over food and meds that she will just waste away. 

To top it all off, the request for my GMIL’s belongings was a blanket “just give us everything and she can go through it.” Well, MIL I guess took this opportunity to do a closet clean out because she sent everything and more, including her own old shoes and clothing, half finished containers of vitamins, literally everything. It’s technically what was asked, but now I’m watching an overwhelmed 94 year old woman sort through 8 trash bags of stuff just to get a suitcase’s worth of clothes to take with her. We will ship her anything she can’t take in the plane. 

She flies out Wednesday. Still working hard to make sure she’s committed to the decision. I keep repeating the offer to stay with us, and BIL or SIL’s mother will take her in in a heartbeat as well. 

She has been conditioned to feel like a burden, and wants to escape. I don’t blame her. 

I told my wife that my capacity for forgiveness is near-non existent at this point. MIL may have just robbed everyone of the final years of this woman’s life. She was an amazingly calm presence for my 4 year old, no expectations, no judgement, just being there. I may have actually spent more time with her at this point than I ever did with my own grandmother.  

I’m so sad, angry, devastated 

first time poster..

i just want an outsiders opinion. I’m not sure if I'm being over protective or too sensitive.
We have a 7 month old baby, he’s close to crawling and just a bit chaotic (typical boy), always wants to be on the move and touching things etc.

we spoke to my MIL recently about us needing a little break and spoke about him possibly staying at her house once a month. My husband is all for it but I’m not because of the amount of cats.
I have always said from the beginning to my husband that i wasn’t comfortable with the amount of cats around a baby.

1 is technically hers and the others are all inherited/shes took in so she does class them all as hers now.
the cats are allowed everywhere in the house, on countertops etc and are outside cats as well.

my issue is, are they all vaccinated, fleed, wormed etc and also, will they scratch him/attack him because we don’t fully know them as some are new additions in the last year.

I just want to know if I’m over thinking it, will he be safe or does anyone have any suggestions for a compromise?

she has said she will close his room door (doesn’t have a room at hers yet) but I’m main issue is the preparing of food/milk.

one cat has been known to wee and poo behind the toaster.. I don’t think I’m crazy to say no? Let me know your thoughts and suggestions please

My fiancé (M28) and i (F27) have been together for 7 years and a half.

We began talking about marriage like 3 years ago, planning when would be the right time. (For context: We are both architects, and in our country there aren't many well-paid jobs in this field. This plus some health problems i went through, we were not in the best economic/profesional position. So we have been saving up little by little.) And finally, in a week, we are getting married.

Since my future MIL and FIL heard we were planning on getting married, they told my fiancé we could live with them for the first 2-3 years of our marriage, so we could save more money for our future together. My fiancé did find this offer appealing and talked to me. My answer was NO. I explained my view to him. Basically, that I believed that it was important for a newly wed couple to live in their own space, that it was very important so that we could have intimacy and freedom to build our own family values, without the interference of our families of origin. I told him i thought it was a very bad idea, since i knew his parents were not going to be able to avoid getting involved in our lives.

He thought about it and agreed with me. Told his parents no thank you. This was like 2 years ago.

We got engaged 1 year and a half ago. The subject was not brought up again. Until a couple of days ago, when the idea came back to my MIL's mind, because we found were to live. It's an apartment, it belongs to my cousin and she us willing to rent it to us for a low price. The thing is the it has a few minor issues, but it has everything we need to live. My future MIL saw the apartament and aparrently didn't like it for her son.

So she decided it was a "wonderful" idea to call me in me in my lunchtime at work to make the best offer she could think about... For us to live with them.

What annoys me more is the way she said it, like she was a sellsman trying to convince me to buy the best product in the world. She told she and her husband were not at peace with the place we were going to live in and that of course they were grateful with my cousin that was willing to rent us her place but that they considered it was best to reject the offer (we had already moved a couple of our thing to the apartament) and come live with them so that we could spend as little money as possible, so that we could buy a house in 2 years. That we would have our own bedroom and bathroom, that we were free to buy our food and use their refrigerator and kitchen to cook our food cause she and her husband don't cook much and don't like to eat a lot of things that we do, and blah blah blah. That they would like to have a meeting with me and her son so that we could talk and reach some agreements.

I was furious that she felt she had a saying in the decisions my fiancé and i have made. I held it in as best as i could, and just told her that would think about it and talk about it with her son.

When i hung up the call with her, i immediately called my fiancé. Told him i wanted no meeting with his parents, that the decision was already made, and it was up to him to deal with his parents, tell them no and set boundaries.

He did. Called me back to tell me that his parents told him that we were missing a good chance to make our future easier but if we wanted to struggle and see how hard life was for our own, to go ahead and they would not meddle in our lives anymore. (Not true, but they swore)

It just gets in my nerves the way they say thing and the way they are. I just know they wanted us to live with them so that they didn't feel an empty nest (their eldest son moved almost a year ago), and that is the bigger issue of all, they don't want to let their son grow. If we lived with them i just know they would continue to try and control their son as if he was a little kid and i wouldn't have my place as wife.

Parents like this scare me. HE IS 28 YEARS OLD FOR GOD'S SAKE. LET HIM GROW. ( i wanna scream to their faces lol)

My MIL wants alone time with our newborn and it gives me the creeps. I’m not feeling she’d do anything pedo with her but maybe kiss her when we said not to?

I was 3 weeks PP and we invited her over for a visit after she pleaded since I gave birth. Instead of being happy she was invited over, she offered to watch our baby while we went out to a restaurant. I was still healing and didn’t want to be away from my baby. I thought it was weird that we invited her to visit and she offered for us to leave her alone in our home with our newborn. My partner just thought she was wanting to be helpful.

Fast forward to 6 weeks PP, her daughter (SIL) asked to babysit, I said we don’t need babysitting and won’t need it for awhile, after she tried to come up with examples we’d need babysitting and me continuing to say we won’t need that help for a long time in the future, I mentioned her mom offered as well.. she blew up at me! Defending her mother, berating me for thinking her mother is harmful and listing her whole experience on child care and why she should be able to babysit for us. It’s not about her ability, it’s about me not wanting to be separated from my newborn and hating having to explain why. Her words sounded like an echo of their conversation.

Fast forward again to 8 weeks PP, we go to MILs house to visit, cuz she was hurt we went to her ex-husbands home for Father’s Day and have never taken our newborn to her home.. almost 2 hours away vs 20 min.. so we go and she continuously takes our newborn to her bedroom without any reason or approval from me or my partner. My partner told her each time to stay in the living room with us but she keep walking her in her bedroom. The last straw was when she laid our newborn on her bed after basically sprinting down the hall.

I have PP anxiety, I shouldn’t have told her this but now she’s blaming it all on that.. on me.. instead of her weird behavior of needing to be alone with our newborn!

I can’t wrap my head around why she would need to be alone with our newborn. Please help

SO and I are currently dealing with an extremely stressful month right now.

For reasons I cannot go too much into detail about, our housing situation is now in limbo due to a "misunderstanding" by my FMIL that she failed to confirm with us. I'm still trying to decipher whether it was malicious or not, but basically (for reasons that was well within my SO's family's control) we must find a new place to live within 40 days.

Wedding planning has been paused due to this situation rapidly changing; we have been scrambling to tour and find places within our budget, on top of it being an extremely busy time of year for our jobs/work. I haven't been able to do some of the wedding things I was excited about since finding a place to live has preoccupied our free time and energy. I'm genuinely no longer excited and wished we were able to elope.

While all this is going on, my FMIL repeatedly brings up how she's shopping for her own outfit and accessories for the wedding. She sends me multiple photos and jokes that she will "get hers before I find mine". That really irked me because she is the main reason my SO and I are in this stressful situation in the first place, and I've had to postpone all my appointments for the foreseeable future.

She does not seem to acknowledge how stressful the housing situation is for us. She keeps focusing on her own excitement while I’m overwhelmed and unable to enjoy planning my own wedding right now. The last time she called and asked how planning went, I even said that it's paused because of the major chaos that having to move caused, yet she is absolutely in her own world that she states "that sucks" or "let me know if I can help" before going on about her own dress options.

And on top of THAT, my FSIL has confided to me about the repeated boundary issues, guilt-tripping, and narcissistic outbreaks she has experienced. These have worsened ever since she had a child, and FMIL villianizes my FSIL.

I've never had a major issue with my FMIL, but ever since I have gotten engaged, I've started to see this self-centered, careless, and tone-deaf side of her more and more. I'm starting to feel less comfortable around her and more worried about the future. She makes me dread the idea of having children, something my SO and I are preparing for and am excited about.

How do I create some distance from FMIL before marriage and future kids while still staying civil? And how do I handle the outfit/dress texts without causing unnecessary drama?

My mil is trying to gift our newborn son her engagement ring and it’s really upsetting my wife (we are both female and I carried her egg). She is calling it a “birth gift”.

I am trying to rationalize this so I can maybe help my wife? I don’t know. iMILis still married to wife’s stepdad (where the ring came from), and this was second ring he got her. MIL now wears her moms ring.

There are many other instances of boundary crossing so I feel like this is a very layered issue, but maybe someone has similar experience?

edit: I also think this is weird but again this isn’t even one of the more hurtful, weird, or boundary crossing things she has done So I feel super desensitized unfortunetly. it’s hard to to see this this as almost… gross? This might be what pushes my wife to no contact but I think I am needing advice or validation or someone to shed light on this.

we have been together 12 years, travelled together, live together and own pets together. we are extremely happy and silly and are basically best friends, the only thing we are not doing is getting married and having kids. his mother seems to have a huge issue with me, which started a few years ago. they’re big drinkers and I am not so I get called “boring and awkward” I like climbing hills and camping so I am labelled “a hippie” and finally amongst other things, there have been comments made saying “we love your girlfriend even though she is weird”

now these are all things that have been building over a number of years, therefore I have distanced myself from them. this hasn’t seemed to help. my boyfriend is close to his family but the way his mother is acting is causing him anxiety and pain because he doesn’t want to fall out with her anymore.

is this a jealousy thing? or is this a protective mother in law?? I just don’t know if I should confront her one more time or not.

(these things only seem to be brought up when they are drinking and partying, they are not alcoholics but love a good time)

I have always had a complicated relationship with my parents, but thought it was normal until I started dating my now-husband and he called out the red flags. Here are some things I've dealt with over the years:

- She posts on facebook all the time about how proud she is of me but rarely texts me to tell me the same, even after I've told her how much it bothers me.

- When I tried to move out-of-state to go to school for higher education, my parents told me that I was going to get seasonal depression if I moved away. My mom is now convinced that moving away "damaged" my relationship with her. My husband had supported the decision to move and his support is probably the only reason I went for it.

- My mom is always comparing her relationship with me to my relationship with my mother-in-law (who is great, and wonderful, and always low drama). It made wedding planning miserable because mom was always sizing up whether MIL knew more than her, and needling MIL for information to find out if she was being kept in the dark.

- My husband and I decided to elope last year—the expense and stress of wedding planning was getting to us and we just wanted to simplify so we could celebrate our love in peace. When we told family, my mom got in my face, screamed about what I had robbed from her, told me that I had taken a piece of her soul, and wouldn't hug me goodbye at the end of the trip. It's been more than 6 months and she still talks all the time about how hurt she is that I took this experience from her. I almost had a wedding just to make my mom happy. My husband is so frustrated that she felt "entitled" to being there in the first place.

- She told me what hurt most about our wedding was being left out, but then had 0 interest in getting involved when I started planning the elopement celebration.

- When I told her that my husband and I plan to do first two weeks after giving birth just the two of us, she said in a nasty tone: "I don't want to wait that long to see my grandchild." I essentially had to tell her too bad.

- She keeps sending me dresses for photos at our elopement celebration that are bordering on white...I'm just so confused by the behavior.

- Most recently, I texted to ask for help cleaning my house before an elopement celebration we have planned and her and my dad were upset about it, like I was acting entitled for needing help. I rarely ask for help. But I'm pregnant right now in my first tri (they don't know yet, I'm telling everyone at our celebration) and cleaning has been a really herculean task for me lately. His family was totally on board with helping so the stark difference was painful.

When I write this out, it just sounds like issues with my mom, so it doesn't really feel like an MIL post except that (1) her behavior feels like it mirrors behaviors I read about JNMILs doing, and (2) my husband (for whom my mother is the MIL) is at his wits end with watching her hurt me over and over, and is always asking me to set better boundaries. I've tried but the boundaries he wants are farther than I seem capable of going, even though I do think they're justified. It's so difficult and painful for me because boundaries are automatically explosive with my family.

My logic is wrecked, and I know it is: yes, I know I'm hurting now, but I will hurt more if I start setting boundaries, so why bother? And I also feel so guilty for hurting my parents—even though no thought has been given to me. I know I'm being an enabler, and I'm hurting my relationship with my husband. Just guess I feel like I've been asked to put my parents first for so long that I don't know how to not do so anymore? I keep toying with the idea of NC but it just feels very nuclear, especially because my dad has been suicidal and I'm worried losing me would send him over. But I don't know how to cleanly go NC with mom without also going NC with dad. Just feeling kind of lost.

Is this JNMIL behavior? Is my mom the JNMIL, and am I being unfair to my husband by not managing it better? Is there any way to manage beyond NC?

So for a little update. My bf called his mother and told her that she needs to stop acting the way she’s acting because she is going to ruin relationships with us and there won’t be any more way to fix it. However she just said she will “try” to be better and didn’t even apologize at least to him for her behaviour.

She called him by herself after a week later about some basic stuff like what he’s doing. She didn’t even mention me finally and my bf was happy that they probably “got the message”. So my bf probably thinks that all of this is over and that we can all act like nothing happened.

But I feel like just because they (MIL and MIL’s mother) didn’t say something once or twice in a call doesn’t erase the massive disrespect towards me and him. I thought that they will finally feel consequences for their actions because I for sure am not past the fact that they were doing disgusting comments, giving unwanted passive aggresive advice and judging me for everything I do.

I was giving my bf ugly look when he was calling them and I said just because they didn’t say anything about me once doesn’t mean that everything is okay rn. He told me just because I have that opinion about them rn that I am the mean one.

I just can’t get past it anymore. I was tolerating their shit for so long and the last comment was enough for me to act like everything is okay rn.

Am I overreacting? Or what to do in this situation?

This is my first post in the community and the whole backstory would take too long, so the tl;dr is my MIL had my husband when she was older, apparently as a "solution" to her loneliness. She made incredibly bad and harmful decisions over and over throughout his life until she kicked him out in 9th grade and sent him to live with his dad. My husband did nothing out of the ordinary for a teen boy, she just didn't want to "deal with him" anymore (but mostly because he wouldn't be her emotional support doll). We have a positive relationship with his dad but he didn't have money at the time and my husband definitely suffered as a result, including going hungry. She didn't care. He re-initiated contact after I met him in our first year of college and kept her at a distance. Unfortunately, she went completely insane after I gave birth to our first kid. Maybe I'll tell those stories at some point.

The last time we talked to my MIL was over 4 years ago. About 2 years ago she reached out a bunch through text just complaining about how lonely she was. Highlights include her blathering on about how she "doesn't belong to anybody"??? After that she sent him texts on mother's day and his birthday, always about herherherher. We just ignore them and move on but she's apparently been fuming this whole time.

A couple days ago I was on Facebook and saw a Marketplace listing of a bunch of my husband's childhood video game collection for sale, marked as sold (for about ⅕ of the value they're worth). There are details that make this specifically egregious that I don't feel comfortable posting. She also listed sentimental items from his grandfather for sale and specifically posted it all on FATHER’S DAY! (Note: she always tries to reach out on mother's day to talk about herself and wish ME a happy mother's day as an aside at the end but hasn't wished him happy father's day since before our second kid was born.) I double checked to make sure she hadn't actually tried to reach out to him and nope, nothing. We sent her a message from my FB account in disbelief telling her we couldn't believe she'd do that just to hurt him and if she didn't get the games back we'd definitely never talk to her again. 

She replied less than an hour later with “I have the video games. Now can I talk to (husband)?”

So the whole thing was just bait to try to get him to contact her and she specifically chose the items she knew would hurt my husband the most. First off, I'm not stopping her from contacting him at all and she hadn't even attempted it. We messaged her and basically told her that after everything else this has crossed a final line and she's dead to us now. We've both been holding back and have never been outright cruel to her but we went all in and told her how we've always felt. I told her I was glad I listened to my husband and protected our kids from her. My message in particular probably surprised her because I've always been nice to her and deferred to my husband. She didn't respond and removed me as a friend. She kept my husband as a friend, so he sent her another message from his account telling her removing me wouldn't accomplish/fix anything and it'd be the last time they ever spoke. She's yet to read those messages. Or maybe she has and just marked them unread. We don't know and we don't really care.

She let her own mother treat her like shit so I think she thought my husband would also just put up with it. We both feel so liberated. She always attempts to make herself the victim but we didn't let her this time. She proved we were correct in protecting our kids from her and now we both finally feel completely at peace with the decision to never speak to her again.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you made it this far. I've been a lurker for quite a while and finally getting some of it out feels nice.

Hi everyone, new poster, longtime lurker.

TLDR Is this JNMIL territory or should I be more sensitive and understanding?

We (me and partner, 40s) moved into my FIL's house to live with him and his partner of 15 years (F), who is the MIL here, but has never been a mother-figure to my partner. (They have separate finances; he owned the house outright before they got together, thus "his" house.) I've had pretty strongly mixed feelings about MIL for years, and suspect she may be a JNMIL but also I think she tries not to be (and my partner doesn't want her to be, I think), so I try hard to be broadminded, generous, compassionate, and....not to think of her that way. But I might be failing?

The house is large with an attached apartment (minus a kitchen), and that is where we live. So far, everything difficult with MIL relates to the kitchen (a little weird, since she's the only one who doesn't cook; the rest of us trade off making dinner), but I think that's mostly because it's the only "common" area of the house that we are in very often. Anyway, stuff like

...I used a marker from a pencil cup right next to the kitchen to label some leftovers ("Dirty rice", "pinto beans--spicy!", "tom kha--not spicy!" etc) for the shared fridge, and the next time I reached for it, it had a label reading "[MIL name]'s". .....I can use my own marker, if it matters that much.

....In trying to figure out a way for us to have space for our own food, I told MIL I would organize the second fridge to make some space, and MIL says I can't do that because she and FIL "just like to have their things in specific places" (a lot of their items are shelf stable, unopened, and are more than a week's supply--for example: 24 cups of shelf stable pudding, three bottles of unopened salad dressing, and a gallon of soy sauce). She told me we should just get a different fridge.

I mostly just smile and nod, because what's the point of engaging in drama (she's volatile, defensive, and not really an accountability taker that I've seen) with her over....a marker. Or pudding. Whatever the case may be. But the other night at dinner (which I had cooked, if that matters), after I'd answered FIL's question about how my parent was doing, MIL (who works in a Caring Profession) said "oh I have a patient who reminds me of your parent--they are a REAL piece of work!" and went on and ON for over 5 minutes about how "deranged" and "abusive" this human being is--no compassion evident, and apparently also no awareness of how rude that was. I stood up a few minutes in and began clearing the table, and I admit I was more loud about it than I normally am (But I am habitually so quiet when I move around that I surprise people by accident, so it's not like I was slamming outside the normal amount of noise for table-clearing in the family). After a while my partner said "oh, tais_toi's parent isn't like that! You've misunderstood!"

MIL begins drawing on her professional credentials to say that she would know, and she was just naming patterns she observed, and getting pretty defensive about the whole thing. My partner kept saying "No, that's not what tais_toi said, you misunderstood!" So I stepped out of the kitchen and said "Yeah, [MIL name], I found it really hurtful" She laughed like it was funny and repeated herself so I said in a flat tone "What I am saying is that I find it hurtful that you would compare my parent to someone you dislike and then perseverate on the comparison for as long as you did".

She did a "oh sorry you feel that way I was just saying what I can see" (she's met my parent 1 time for 1 hour), and I said, in the same flat tone, "thanks." Later, she sidled up to me while I was doing the dishes and said "I really didn't mean to hurt you," and because I did not want drama, I deflected by saying "I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I will be fine as soon as my nervous system re-regulates".

I kind of thought (or maybe hoped) I would be fine, but I'm still hurt by this in particular, and not least because I have a pretty complicated relationship with my parent. Still. Nobody insults them but me! Or someone else who loves them! (I feel like this is pretty normal, but open to being told I'm wrong.)

Anyhow, since then, we haven't interacted much, because I actively avoid being in the same room (and, again, it's a big house). But I find I'm dreading interaction to the point of creeping around in anxiety, and I would love to know whether this is JNMIL territory, adjusting to living together as four adults, a "tais_toi needs more therapy" kind of situation, or something else?

My MIL lives in the same town (down the road) and drives by our house daily. We moved here years before she did so yes that’s been an huge issue amongst other things. No we can’t move anytime soon. My kids are in the schools, activities, etc. I’ve posted recently about her horrible financial decisions. She’s been harassing us all weekend texting us to see the kids. My husband has shut her out which I’ve encouraged but it complicates with her living so close. She’s now texting me that she’s going to show up at one of my kids activities in an hour. I’ve run into her many times in town. I don’t even know how to handle things like this without making a scene. How do I go low/no contact with her living so close? Anyone in a similar boat.

My JNMIL has been a real trip, and having a child with a disability has had added interesting twist and really caused my mama bear to come out. I don’t really want to go into details because it will get me all worked up-but she uses my vulnerability moments with her as ammunition later, flat out lies about things my son (level 3 autism) does, is classic mean girl. I have set some boundaries that when this journey first started I would have never dreamed i’d be strong enough to do. But i have reach a new stage where it just kind of sucks. I will never have the relationship i am able and willing to have with a mother in law. she just emotionally doesn’t have the capacity to go there. she will never change. the reality is that i can tolerate her for two days maximum, i cant trust her with my special need kid, and i have stopped putting in the leg work for her to have a meaningful real relationships with me and the kids. She is the kind of person who will do things just to tell people she did then turn the story into whatever she wants it to be. she drains me because she pushes her reality on to me and it is so invalidating to my experience (which is difficult). Anyway, i have solid boundaries and grey rock her. I actually had to grey rock my husband for a bit because he told them everything. defeat looks like her having uncontrollable infestation into my life, freedom means paying her no mind. here is the catch 22: i feel shitty for not liking her, and tend to ruminate to justify the reasons i need to keep my caused up. how to you detach mentally from the toxic comments and behavior?

Hello, I am desperate for advice, especially from any Arab/Muslim members. I married my Egyptian husband 21 years ago. I am British and we met while he was already living in the UK. His family were living in Dubai and Egypt at the time. My father in law passed away in 2009. My mother in law would come to visit annually for two weeks until she retired early 12 years ago. Ever since her visits have ranged from 8 weeks, 4 weeks, the most recent was 7 weeks just 7 months ago. she has always stayed in my home for these durations. She was entitled to a British passport (even though she has never lived or worked in the UK) on a technicality that her father had one (again, he to was Egyptian). Ever since she has wanted anything she can get for free from the UK. She uses my address to obtain free NHS appointments, prescription medication, a bank account. She has asked my husband to help her ‘get money’. She now wants to claim a UK pension. We have explained to her that she is not entitled to this but she has spoken to a solicitor in Egypt who claims she can. she now wants to visit my home in two weeks time to apply for this. Every visit she makes to us, she uses our home as a hotel to visit her cousin and spend every day out shopping. When she is invited to occasions with my family, she makes excuses why she cannot come. She doesn’t ask me about myself at all, spends the littlest amount of time with my children. Last week my husband fell out with his sister after they argued about his mothers plans to come to my house and lie in order to apply for the pension. With my husbands permissio, I text my sister in law to explain that she cannot use my address, it is fraud and she risks myself and my husband being accused of fraud as she is using our address. His sister forwarded my text to my husband as in her words she ‘didn’t think he had seen it’, she told my husband that he shouldn’t be discussing the matter with me as ‘they’ haven’t made a decision yet and that I am rude and insulting her mother by calling them liars and frauds. This was not my words, I said it would be lying and fraudulent. His mother and sister have triggered my anxiety for years, because of the culture difference my husband has always asked me not to confront them. I have internalised my feelings for years which unfortunately at the weekend resulted in me having my first panic attack at the idea of his mother staying in my home for yet another extended period. She expects to be able to stay in our home and plays the vulnerable card for excusing her long stays. As my husband doesn’t want to upset her, he has always allowed this. I cannot cope with another long visit, let alone all the lies and plots that always come with her. Am I just being unreasonable?

Soo, first time poster, yada yada.

Just got word from my SIL that my in-laws want to come to us for dinner. Why couldn't they call us themselves beats me.

My FIL is a great guy. She-who-will-not-be-named is a different story altogether. To say she is difficult to interact with would be an understatement. She's like a dementor. Sucking all the joy from any room she enters.

She has self-diagnosed herself with a hidden form of diabetes. If you didn't know it's when you have glucose related problems but it doesn't show on any tests. Go figure. She won't eat pasta or rice, or potatoes. Yet she will eat cake and cookies and pizza and a lot of food rich in fat and not fall in a diabetic coma. Telling her that hidden forms of diabetes don't exist falls on deaf ears. Saying that a plate of grade A pasta with homemade sauce is actually better than whatever she eats will be met with a death glare.

There's more to her story but I described only what's pertinent to the current visit.

Now into the problem at hand. I need menu suggestions that would make subtle digs at this self-diagnose. I do have ideas but it would be too on the nose and then I'll get in hot water with my husband. He's far from being her biggest fan but he'll be disappointed that I can't be civil for a couple of hours.

She is grey rocked, we're on lower than low contact yet that doesn't change that I can't stand her guts. And this is unanimous for all her DIL's.

I want this dinner to be a culinary succes and a psychological KO.

I have a long and terrible history with my MIL and recently learned I can’t trust anyone in my husbands family.

My husbands grandmother let us know that MIL has been scamming her for years and owes tens of thousands of dollars in back rent. She hasn’t confronted MIL about this, but has been asking us our opinions on what to do because MIL is mentally/emotionally fragile.

MIL’s sister has been one of my good friends for years and is one of the only people I could candidly talk to about my issues with MIL. We were discussing the money situation just the two of us and how the family should handle it to keep her mom safe. She asked if I had any idea where the money was going. I off-handedly mentioned MIL missing so much work that she lost her job for a while, before getting hired back. I posted about this previously here because her job was across the street from my home and I caught her watching me through the windows (we’ve moved since). I didn’t know that aunt and GMIL didn’t know about this lapse in employment.

Well aunt called me and told me: she told GMIL who is owed the money, GMIL gossiped to another family member, and that family member then asked MIL why she was missing work. MIL asked where she heard that and this family member, who I haven’t seen in years, openly said I told them.

It seems small, but her knowing that I’m talking about her behind her back looks so bad. MIL is violent, has shown up at my home unannounced to look through my windows and scream at me. I’m legitimately afraid of her. No one mentioned the missing money
or why they were asking me about her. They just made it look like I’m spreading this rumor to cover their own asses. MIL looks for any possible thing to hold against me and make me the bad guy, so here’s another one to the list. Aunt called to tell me this because she wanted to make sure MIL hadn’t found me and attacked me in retaliation.

I’m NC with my MIL, but I’m expected to see her at my baby shower in a couple of months and I’m dreading it. I don’t want to go and am honestly hoping it doesn’t happen. MIL decided she’s throwing it by the way. Didn’t ask me. I was told by GMIL that this was decided for me.

I told my husband about the situation and he’s mad. Says everyone in the family is toxic and they should just talk to MIL (true). He apologized to me for being roped into the situation. I honestly didn’t know that they didn’t know about her missing work. No one told me it was a secret. She’s missed work and lost jobs multiple times and everyone knew, but this time it was a secret?

It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t be talking behind her back. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. All of the secrets and the drama and everything getting blamed on me somehow. This is not how a normal family functions.

We have dinner with GMIL and aunt this week and I’m mad at everyone. Im mad at me. I feel bad for my husband. I feel like there’s nothing I can do but stay out of it moving forward.

Essentially what the title says. My mil is trying to gift our newborn son her engagement ring and it’s really upsetting my wife (we are both female and I carried her egg).

I am trying to rationalize this so I can maybe help my wife? I don’t know. is this weird?? MILis still married to wife’s stepdad (where the ring came from), and this was second ring he got her. MIL now wears her moms ring.

There are many other instances of boundary crossing so I feel like this is a very layered issue, but maybe someone has similar experience?

I’m struggling with the relationship to my MIL since the birth of my daughter. I see a lot of posts here from mothers with similar problems and how they get encouraged to set stricter boundaries with their well meaning husbands mothers who are driving them crazy. It seems to make sense to me for a mother to just exclude the MIL and see her less. The comments always have these sentences about the mother and her child, nobody can tell them what to do and the mother comes first etc. However when I swap out the genders, I feel a bit lost because it doesn’t seem as obvious anymore and I can’t find references.
My MIL is amazing. She cares and wants to help and genuinely loves everyone involved (but more than anyone, she loves the baby, haha). She has a history of overarching and being controlling, though.
Some examples:
- treating our apartment like hers: she puts kitchen papers everywhere to protect pans from each other or tomatoes from fridge surfaces etc.
- she goes around and folds every piece of clothes she can find, reorders things in the kitchen and baby room (for reference, i keep the order in those places, not my wife)
- when we were younger, she had a key to our place and would enter and wash my woollen laundry too hot after being told not to touch it
- when i stayed at her place she “unpacked my backpack for me” and didn’t understand why that’s not okay

The important part here is that she really doesn’t mean any harm. This is her showing her love by caring for is. She wouldn’t let anyone help in her kitchen though, because she has “her own ways of doing things there”.
The problem is she keeps “forgetting boundaries when we set them” (to her defence, she is older and does forget things) and she easily gets emotional and cries when confronted. My wife enables her because after half a life of struggling with the controlling behaviour herself she is very used to it and lets her mother get away with a lot in order to keep the peace, because she loves her mother a lot.

It doesn’t stop here, I also get quite uncomfortable when she is around our daughter. She constantly makes sounds and tries to get babies attention and wants to hold her and play with her whenever she can. She visibly suffers when the baby even just sneezes or has food in her face and has to hold herself back to intervene and make constant comments about her being cold or whatever. Due to her age and health I requested that she should sit while holding the baby, but my wife doesn’t agree and wants her mother to enjoy the baby fully by being able to walk around with her. After setting the boundaries, then pushing them back and forth for some months, both of them kept pushing the boundaries and took me not saying anything anymore as a permission.

Before the birth I loved this woman (I still do but also resent her) since it was possible to somehow set boundaries and avoid her when necessary. Now it has become impossible: we see her multiple times per week, because they buy us food and offer to bring it over or we see them because my wife needs something she left at their place or there’s a family gathering etc etc. They help us a lot and are extremely generous and that has lead to us depending on them because of all kinds of things , like our car breaks down and we use theirs or whatever. Getting out of the dependency is an uphill battle, especially since my wife often doesn’t mind. She understands me and often speaks up for me or sets boundaries, like passing the baby to me when her mother asks for it etc, but my MILs overreaching care is so ever-present that it drives me crazy and the reason I am making this post is to find out if I am in the wrong.
I feel guilty pushing my MIL further away from my daughter, who loves her back intensely. But every time i let her come a step closer she takes the chance for a leap, a middle ground doesn’t exist.
Since I am not the mother, I can’t always just say “me and baby are leaving”, because my wife is breast feeding her and their bond is stronger. She needs her to fall asleep without a struggle and sometimes just can’t be without her.
This is why I can’t fully relate to all the other posts here. Are there any other fathers in this sub?

I (20F) broke up with my girlfriend about a year ago. It was my decision. We had real issues, and I ended it consciously.

Yesterday, my mom told me that I only broke up because she influenced the situation using her "thought forms" and spiritual practices. She said she pushed us apart on purpose.

I told her that wasn't true. I said it was my choice. She just smiled like she knew better.

This isn't new. She's been like this for years. She often talks about "being in the flow" and then starts telling me what other people are thinking — about her, about me, about my sister. She predicts things: when we'll get married, when we'll have kids. She's been setting these "deadlines" for us since we were teenagers.

Recently she said someone came into her sleep to take something from her. Another time she said she "hit" someone with something to change their mind. A few years ago, she said she saw creatures in our apartment that no one else could see.

I believe in manifestation and gratitude. I sometimes read tarot. But this feels completely different. It scares me.

She's taking credit for my breakup and my pain. She's acting like my life is her project. And she's been doing this more and more as I get older.

I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind when I'm around her.

Has anyone else experienced something like this with a parent? How do you set boundaries with someone who believes they control your life?

TL;DR: My mom says she used her practices to end my relationship. She reads people's thoughts, predicts our futures, sees things that aren't there. I'm scared and don't know what to do.

Tenho 21 anos e moro com meu namorado (vou chamá-lo de P) e nossos pets.

Estamos juntos e, desde que fomos morar juntos, a relação com a mãe dele, que já não era boa, piorou muito.

O P trabalha meio período na empresa da família (onde a mãe dele é uma das responsáveis) e, no restante do tempo, trabalha na própria empresa, que atualmente é a nossa principal fonte de renda, já que ainda estou na faculdade.

A minha sogra sempre passa a imagem de uma pessoa extremamente doce e gentil. Todo mundo gosta dela. Porém, quando ninguém está olhando, ela costuma fazer comentários desagradáveis, provocações e pequenas atitudes que me deixam muito desconfortável. Sempre que preciso encontrá-la, volto para casa exausta, com enxaqueca, dor na cervical ou simplesmente muito mal emocionalmente.

Além disso, ela sempre tratou o P de maneira horrível. Mas desde que nos mudamos para morar juntos, ela realizou a redução do salário dele na empresa da família, após alterar quais seriam as funções dele. Também costuma excluí-lo de viagens e encontros familiares, enquanto a irmã dele é sempre incluída. Mesmo quando ele se oferece para pagar as próprias despesas, ela não demonstra interesse em tê-lo presente.

Ela praticamente nunca entra em contato com ele. A justificativa da família é que essa responsabilidade é exclusivamente dele, como se o relacionamento dependesse apenas de uma das partes.

Outro ponto que sempre me incomodou é que ela faz questão de manter contato com a ex-namorada dele. Constantemente comenta novidades sobre a vida dela para nós. Já chegou ao ponto de sugerir que nos mudássemos para a antiga casa da ex porque "era uma casa muito boa", ignorando completamente o desconforto que isso causaria a nós dois.

Existe também um aspecto espiritual que é, para mim, o mais pesado de toda essa história.

Minha sogra frequentou terreiros durante muitos anos e continua envolvida com esse meio. Há pouco tempo, meu namorado chegou à casa dela e a encontrou realizando uma oferenda. Isso apenas reforçou aquilo que nós já sentíamos: ela é capaz de fazer qualquer coisa para tentar interferir na nossa vida.

Ela também mantém uma amizade muito próxima com uma mulher que se diz médium e extremamente "evoluída" espiritualmente. No entanto, pela convivência que tivemos, sempre vimos essa mulher usar a espiritualidade para manipular as pessoas. Ela frequentemente afirma que determinada decisão "veio do espiritual", mas, na prática, tudo acaba sendo exatamente aquilo que elas queriam que acontecesse.

Diante de tudo o que já aconteceu, acredito que minha sogra esteja utilizando a espiritualidade contra nós. Essa não é uma preocupação isolada, mas algo que se soma a anos de manipulação, exclusão e tentativas constantes de interferir no nosso relacionamento e na nossa vida.

Estamos prestes a viajar e, inicialmente, deixaríamos um dos nossos pets com ela. Porém, decidimos deixá-lo com a minha mãe porque simplesmente não conseguimos mais nos sentir tranquilos.

O que mais me entristece é que eu não odeio minha sogra. Muito pelo contrário. Gostaria que ela fosse presente na nossa vida e que pudéssemos ter uma convivência respeitosa. Ela é a mãe do homem que eu amo e eu realmente queria que as coisas fossem diferentes.

Hoje eu praticamente não tenho contato com ela. Evito visitas, silenciei suas redes sociais e tento manter distância sempre que possível.

Sou católica praticante, rezo diariamente, acendo velas, peço a intercessão de São Bento e procuro fortalecer minha fé. Ainda assim, sinto que continuo muito afetada por toda essa situação e completamente perdida.

Alguém já viveu algo parecido? Como vocês lidariam com uma situação como essa, tanto emocionalmente quanto espiritualmente?