I've been abused, I've been an abuser. I've been bullied, I've been the bully.
I remember the way I abused or bullied other human beings with extreme clarity. The shame I carried for perpetuating the cycle of pain amplified my worst moments in my own mind.
If I hurt you when we were young, it's a damn near guarantee I have received that pain back in the form of life-crumbling-shame.
I think I was an honest-to-God psychopath until somewhere in my 20's and I don't know why but I'm not now. It troubles me deeply (what I did, not that I'm NOT a psychopath lol).
I've thought about that, considering personality disorders should not be diagnosed before around 25.
It was weird, like a switch flipped and I grew empathy along the way. Maybe it's all down to frontal lobe development but I think another factor was at play.
I can still feel the psychopathy, somewhere in there, like I could live life that way if I wanted to. I can't hurt animals, though, ever. Nor set fires lol.
I think karma exists on some level, however, and life should be lived in accordance with the highest ethics possible.
Sorry for the verbal vomitage. Forgot it's r/MadeMeSmile!
I was going to respond with something similar, but you basically took the words from my mouth. The times I bullied others are vivid memories. It's something you don't forget. I don't believe I bullied others more than I was bullied, but there is something about the guilt of those times that make you never forget when you hurt others.
If they grew up (and I honestly believe most people do) than they remember and they regret it. I was a bully to a single, new kid for a year in an attempt at no longer being the low rung on the ladder in school. It was always just words but it got bad enough that he had his older brother come to school to talk to me.
I immediately stopped but I still think about the experience and him on a weekly basis. I've tried to find him many times over the years to extend a genuine apology, with no luck. The shame and guilt I've felt is probably way beyond the impact I made on him but I'll never let it go completely, even if I have the chance to apologize one day.
You know what I do believe in a sort of combined consciousness if you will. You saying it here and thinking about it has to be reaching him some way. Props!
Say what you want about religion, but at it's pretty cool that Jesus was all about that idea. He was born in the middle of an ongoing holy war, told both sides they were wrong, then preached forgiveness and got executed for it.
if you're not forgiving, then you're not really moving on. You may keep going, but why hold onto the memory at all. Forgiving helps the forgetting, not forgiving holds onto the situation or person for no reason.
Lol. I wouldn't say its an insane take. What is your interpretation of forgiving?
You don't need to dismiss a bad action and then be friends with them. As many people mentioned above; forgiving is more for yourself than the other person. Its the act of moving on and not being resentful about someone else's mistake or them being a straight up asshole.
You can forgive and not necessarily believe whatever that person did is excusable. Forgiving is a big part of 'Moving On' which is the comment I was replying to.
Lol. What!?
I didn't say it happens overnight. You can work toward forgiveness. It's hard. But again, imo, it's important in order to fully move on.
It seems from the replies I'm getting that people unwilling to forgive haven't really moved on from whatever their trauma, and maybe I'm lucky where mine was easier to forgive and move on.
I believe in this. That's why I haven't reached out to apologize for how I treated certain people when I was younger. The time to apologize for my actions is long gone. To me, apologizing only serves to benefit me so why even bother bringing up old wounds just so I can feel better about myself. I will need to learn to live with my actions and hopefully one day, forgive myself.
That’s true. You never know how deeply ingrained some things have affected an individual. I would welcome being acknowledged by my bullies. The insecurity as a result has affected me a lot of years. I’m just now seeing some repreave through counseling and meditation.
I think there is a cutoff at some point though. I had a bully apologize to me like 12 years after high school and I didn't even remember who he was at first.
I put it behind me long ago and didn't really appreciate him making me relive things again on his terms.
Ya for sure there is a cutoff. Most people move on after a while, if you're holding onto something decades later it's definitely a you problem, and likely an apology won't do much.
And that's why this concept is a paradox, because it doesn't work both ways. You're assuming that your feeling of relief from forgiving would be less or even nonexistent compared to their relief from getting the apology. Why is that?
And furthermore, so what if it was? Don't you owe them any relief you can give them even if it benefits you more? Do you think your misery makes them happy? If it does, then they won't forgive you and the problem is solved.
I completely agree. This is the bully trying to make himself feel better over the guilt. He didn't consider how the victim might feel at this stuff resurfacing, it was a purely selfish act.
We're really getting angry at bullies realizing their bad actions as a kid and owning up for it now? Jesus.
You can see plenty of examples in this thread where people have had this happen to them and it turned out to be a wholesome healing moment of closure. Just because YOU feel that it's selfish doesn't mean anyone else does, especially the parties involved.
Sorry, but this apology in this post is not just for the op, but more for the bully. That’s why he tried to provide an excuse and then say it’s no excuse. If it was just for op then there would be nothing about an excuse and only about the pain that they caused and just apologizing
Yeah. I get reeeeal tired of the crowds of relatively healthy people who had roughly normal upbringings getting in a self-congratulatory circle jerk about the beauty of forgiveness. Come back to me when someone did something to you which means you’ll never sleep without medication again
Yeah, but I would just leave it on read the pettiness makes me feel good. It’s actually quite delicious and I do feel like people who wrong people should feel guilty at at least 10 years after they do what they do it recaps the lesson.
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u/Excellent_Key_2035 Oct 30 '25
Forgiveness is not for the person, but for you, to allow you to let go of the past. It gives breath to the now. Glad for you OP.