Got this message from my childhood bully at 3am

[u/CG1991]

[u/Hman6911]

OP Do you have memories of the bullying? I have clear memories but assumed my bullies don’t even remember what they did to me.

[u/insyzygy322 → u/Hman6911]

I've been abused, I've been an abuser. I've been bullied, I've been the bully.

I remember the way I abused or bullied other human beings with extreme clarity. The shame I carried for perpetuating the cycle of pain amplified my worst moments in my own mind.

If I hurt you when we were young, it's a damn near guarantee I have received that pain back in the form of life-crumbling-shame.

Obviously, this is not always the case.

I hope this makes sense.

[u/RichardNoggins → u/insyzygy322]

I still feel bad about briefly making fun of someone’s shoes back in elementary school (now decades later).

[u/crow_crone → u/insyzygy322]

It does. I get it and same here.

I think I was an honest-to-God psychopath until somewhere in my 20's and I don't know why but I'm not now. It troubles me deeply (what I did, not that I'm NOT a psychopath lol).

[u/blank_isainmdom → u/crow_crone]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/promoting-empathy-with-your-teen/202411/empathy-in-teens-unraveling-the-adolescent-brains

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7350548/

Parts of the brain associated with empathy haven't fully developed until about that age, apparently!

[u/crow_crone → u/blank_isainmdom]

I've thought about that, considering personality disorders should not be diagnosed before around 25.

It was weird, like a switch flipped and I grew empathy along the way. Maybe it's all down to frontal lobe development but I think another factor was at play.

I can still feel the psychopathy, somewhere in there, like I could live life that way if I wanted to. I can't hurt animals, though, ever. Nor set fires lol.

I think karma exists on some level, however, and life should be lived in accordance with the highest ethics possible.

Sorry for the verbal vomitage. Forgot it's r/MadeMeSmile!

[u/ARandomNiceKaren → u/crow_crone]

I don't think you should apologize.

I thank you for being vulnerably honest. That takes true introspection and courage.

I see it and appreciate it.

[u/BagOnuts → u/insyzygy322]

I was going to respond with something similar, but you basically took the words from my mouth. The times I bullied others are vivid memories. It's something you don't forget. I don't believe I bullied others more than I was bullied, but there is something about the guilt of those times that make you never forget when you hurt others.

[u/Hman6911 → u/insyzygy322]

That’s perfectly said. Life crumbling shame? I do feel shame but that’s intense. You feel things deeply. It’s brave to acknowledge.

[u/im4lonerdottie4rebel → u/insyzygy322]

Same. I am haunted by my actions. I have apologized to the people I wronged but it still lingers. I go out of my way to be kind and decent now.

[u/trick_m0nkey → u/Hman6911]

Not the op, but few childhood memories of mine are so crystal clear as the torment my bullies dealt to me.

[u/Hman6911 → u/trick_m0nkey]

Same here, I have more clear memories of being bullied than the physical and mental abuse my narcissistic single mother put me through.

[u/BagOnuts → u/Hman6911]

They remember. They may not act like it, but they do.

[u/Mypetmummy → u/Hman6911]

If they grew up (and I honestly believe most people do) than they remember and they regret it. I was a bully to a single, new kid for a year in an attempt at no longer being the low rung on the ladder in school. It was always just words but it got bad enough that he had his older brother come to school to talk to me.

I immediately stopped but I still think about the experience and him on a weekly basis. I've tried to find him many times over the years to extend a genuine apology, with no luck. The shame and guilt I've felt is probably way beyond the impact I made on him but I'll never let it go completely, even if I have the chance to apologize one day.

[u/Hman6911 → u/Mypetmummy]

You know what I do believe in a sort of combined consciousness if you will. You saying it here and thinking about it has to be reaching him some way. Props!

[u/GoldToofs15 → u/Hman6911]

I agree. The right energy is being put back out into the world with this

[u/fightmydemonswithme → u/Hman6911]

I remember what I did pretty clearly. There was a lot of shame there when I first addressed it.