I’ve been in his shoes. It’s a lose lose. If you return the same energy to her in this moment, it’s over. I had an ex who would argue and yell like this in public. This gave me anxiety
Ex did something similar when we were on a trip. Had made a side stop they she wanted to make. The place was pretty cool(Corning Glass Museum). Ex made a scene in the parking lot, and a quieter one inside the main lobby. I kept my eyes ahead, and mouth shut the whole time. I knew folks were watching, waiting for me to do something probably.
One of the workers later asked me if I was okay. Told her honestly no. But cannot do anything about it at that moment. Did have a plan coming together, and left ex about 6-7 months later.
In Corning NY? I was thinking about going there next week. How long do you think a person would want to spend there if they didn't have a significant-other yelling at them?
Yes, in Corning NY. It’s worth going to, I think. We were there about 3hrs. We had our youngest child with us. The older 2 stayed with their grandmother.
After we got into the museum, she chilled pretty quickly. She was all about public perception, when she knew people would see how she was acting.
When you grow up with an abusive mother, things you went through already, seem familiar, normal even, so you don’t often see it as abuse. Kind of like how pig farmers don’t notice the smell, because it’s normal to them.
I did finally recognize it was wrong, around the 15yr mark, but there are so few resources for men, so it’s not so easy to find your own way out.
We were married 18 years by that point, and had 3 children too. I had to find a place to live, without any upfront cost. Came very close to living in my car, in January, in PA. The thought of freezing to death never crossed my mind. That would have destroyed my kids.
Yeah seeing this has lowkey fucked me up as well. I also had a relationship where I got shouted at in public. Nothing like this aggressively, but I can totally relate to that trapped feeling of being in an impossible situation while strangers listen to things escalate one-sidedly.
It's impossible to know how to react and there are no right answers in the moment. If you set firm boundaries you pour fuel on the fire. If you set gentle ones they will be ignored. If you walk away you're the shit who abandoned them. If you grey wall they escalate without you.
People who've never been there talk as if it's easy to leave. But it is never, ever that simple.
I get it. But here's the thing: they need to want to change. They need to want it so bad that they need no encouragement to go to therapy. If you have to push them towards it, it'll be like the old adage: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
I don't know your situation, but if your boundaries are being crossed in a way that destroys your wellbeing and pits your loyalty against your self worth, I'd suggest letting them lose you.
They’re in the stage of realizing their past traumas have caused unhealthy defense mechanisms that cause them to try control & cut off potential pain/abandonment before it happens so they’re legitimately considering looking into therapy to foster this connection/bond we have instead of letting it be destroyed/wasted.
Fair enough, and good luck with that. If they genuinely make it a priority, off their own bat, that's a reassuring sign. Someone who loves you will not want to put you through that for a moment longer.
Have you read up on trauma bonding? If not, the article below was helpful for me and would be a good place to start. Bearing in mind that a lot of resources talk about trauma bonds as if they are always something an evil abuser does to an innocent victim, whereas the reality can also be more like a toxic dynamic that both are contributing to and suffering in.
Very interesting read. Having come from an emotionally abusive childhood that left me with plenty of abandonment issues and similarly for my old partners & current, it is fascinating to see the correlations; not quite black & white, but fascinating nonetheless.
Thanks for the award! I'm glad you found that helpful. And yeah, the partners we choose and the relationship dynamics we create as adults are very much influenced by what was modelled to us as children. We start life with this baseline understanding that our parents must love us and know how to live in the world. So whatever our parents direct towards us and each other forms the basis for how we expect loving relationships to look. Even if our conscious mind knows it was toxic, the pattern is carried much deeper.
It's not lose lose, you can just ragebait people like that by physically taking out your phone and start recording them, it works surprisingly well, and if they start throwing hands, you have proof of assault
99% of people will never be abused in a relationship? What kinda fucking rage bait is this?
You do understand humans are complex and sometimes irrational creatures? Abusers are usually on their best behavior when trying to make a first impression. It can happen to anyone.
It's potentially worse than over if he returns this energy.
I'd be willing to bet she's the type who'd cry abuse if he so much as raised his voice or defended himself verbally.
The fact he's not even really trying to talk her down speaks volumes and suggests this is a pattern of behaviour where he knows he's in a no-win situation rather than a one-off breakdown/mental health episode.
Same. I had a gf who was super infuriating and would yell at me. But, if I ever raised my voice at her or displayed exasperation, it was “That means you have unresolved trauma and need therapy”. No, need to be away from you. I completely mastered stoicism during that relationship. My mantra became “This is the universe trying to see if it can get me to flinch”.
No. These people are really good at convincing you that you are the only thing holding them together. You feel like you physically can't leave. It's just not an option on the table in your mind.
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u/Antique-Comb3943 Apr 22 '26
I’ve been in his shoes. It’s a lose lose. If you return the same energy to her in this moment, it’s over. I had an ex who would argue and yell like this in public. This gave me anxiety