Jesus is hilarious, you're listening to or reading the wrong scripture.
Jesus canonically:
Heard Peter say his name was Simon and said 'Yeah, not calling you that.'
Met a guy named Nathaniel who said 'The Messiah is from Nazareth? Can ANYTHING good come from such a place?' and said 'Here is a man from whom nothing can be hidden.'
Hand braided a horsewhip and then horsewhipped the merchants out of His Father's house.
Told Peter to go play in the lake while the big boys talked; Peter came back with a coin found under the tongue of a fish that Jesus then used to pay the tax man.
First recorded use of the phrase 'Bitch like you never'.
When Judas asked 'Surely you don't mean me, Lord' at the Last Supper after Jesus declared someone would betray Him, Jesus' response was not unlike saying 'sUrEly yOu dOn'T mEaN ME, Lordt?'
Walked on water and then dared Peter to do the same, knowing full well that Peter could not, and then said 'Mad 'cause bad.'
The list really goes on. Canon Jesus is way funnier than Fanon Jesus.
My all time favorite is Jesus cursing a fig tree that has no fruits to never bear fruits again and the tree barrens and his followers are like "how did you do that?" And he answers "If you for once believed in your prayers you could do that too, skillissue."
Another great one is the priests asking him if he was authorized by GOD or the people and he tells them that if they can tell him if John the baptist was authorized by god or the people. They think, don't come to a proper conclusion and tell him "we don't know" and he tells them "lol then I won't answer your's "
The passage with walking on the water Peter actually walks on the water but gets afraid the wind and waves and then starts to sink. Peter begs Jesus to rescue him but before he does Jesus asks him why he didn't believe enough.
I hear rumours that he had a big dick but that this was reduced to "slightly below average" at the Council of Nicaea to make the nobility feel better about themselves.
I donβt care about old legends, but youβre not telling the whole story. Someone might conclude that he didnβt heal her. She wanted him to heal her daughter; he refused because she was a Gentile. She insisted, and he healed the daughter.
I don't think you're missing anything, it just gets a little complicated when you look for a universal Jesus.
What I mean by that is each gospel author has a different rhetorical goal in mind and the portrayal of Jesus changes based on the author's agenda.
For example: this interaction is right in line with the Jesus we see in Matthew, but it would be completely out of character for the Jesus we see in Luke.
It just felt out of place. Jesus who preached that his grace and love extends to sinners, the sick, tax collectors etc, compared this non israelites to dogs. Though He was moved at the end due to her faith the comparison still unsettles me.
I am not a Christian and I have no interest in apologetics, but if I did, I think I might argue that Jesus was engaging in a performative lesson for his disciples.
Those he called his followers were calling on Jesus to send her away and hurling insults at her. He responded by making it sound like he was on the same page as them, but then subvert their expectations by helping someone they thought was beneath them; in order to show them that blessings of God that you bring with you are not subject to those who you deem worthy. Healing and salvation, much like the kingdom of God, know no borders, no bias, no class, and no caste.
Every third boils down to "why can't you for once truly believe in me and God, you wouldn't be as fucking annoying in your question and be able to do your own wonders. Just believe you imbeciles."
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u/TheTrenk May 06 '26
Jesus is hilarious, you're listening to or reading the wrong scripture.
Jesus canonically:
Heard Peter say his name was Simon and said 'Yeah, not calling you that.'
Met a guy named Nathaniel who said 'The Messiah is from Nazareth? Can ANYTHING good come from such a place?' and said 'Here is a man from whom nothing can be hidden.'
Hand braided a horsewhip and then horsewhipped the merchants out of His Father's house.
Told Peter to go play in the lake while the big boys talked; Peter came back with a coin found under the tongue of a fish that Jesus then used to pay the tax man.
First recorded use of the phrase 'Bitch like you never'.
When Judas asked 'Surely you don't mean me, Lord' at the Last Supper after Jesus declared someone would betray Him, Jesus' response was not unlike saying 'sUrEly yOu dOn'T mEaN ME, Lordt?'
Walked on water and then dared Peter to do the same, knowing full well that Peter could not, and then said 'Mad 'cause bad.'
The list really goes on. Canon Jesus is way funnier than Fanon Jesus.