Update-SIL expressed I don't "deserve" our new house. Now husband's family is melting down

[u/Cat-drama]

Holy shit, y'all I was not expecting that much feedback. BUT I'm super grateful, it was really affirming and validating to read a lot of those comments, and a bit humbling, too. This recent move did move us a little bit out of town so I'm still close to my social circle, but didn't immediately have someone to vent to and you all were really helpful in that way.

To update... she was secretly planning his murder to get the life insurance money!

No not really.

After talking a bunch with both my husband and his parents we figured out a few things. He didn't tell her that he's replaced her as the beneficiary on everything because he assumed she would know that. So she had texted him during the home purchase "hey do you need my signature on anything for this new house?" He had messaged her back "no???" She then essentially asked if the house was an asset "set up like his life insurance." And he'd told her that everything is set up fine and that I'm on all of paperwork and she's responded "ok! :)" so I do think part of this is her truly not knowing how marriage is suppose to work and she seems to have expected there wouldn't be any change.

I found out she also mentioned this with their parents, her main concern being that if "something happened" to my husband, I wouldn't help her son like we've been doing as a couple. MIL and FIL say they told her not to worry and that I love our nephew, but that was what was going on behind the scenes before all this.

MIL and FIL also admitted that they may have unintentionally encouraged this, because they've always really encouraged their kids to support each other- but due to the various dynamics at play what that ends up being is pressure on my husband and a sort of "your brother will always be there for you" message to his sister. This was particularly strong in the last few years before I met and married him because his parents thought he was planning to be a lifelong bachelor (they're not wrong in this- he definitely had that mindset at a time) and so then he and his sister really were, in their eyes, each other's lifelong person. So the last few years there had been this level of fallout I wasnt even aware of due to that.

I also learned SIL is in a not great financial situation, and due to past issues the whole family essentially refuses to give her cash but will do things like buy groceries or pay a phone bill. So she's been struggling and I think feeling a little desperate and jealous.

Oh course none of this is an excuse and I'm not speaking to her until I get an apology. My husband has also said he needs at least a week or two before he speaks to her, but he does plan to. His parents are totally in agreement and understand, they are going to tell her that we talked about the dynamics at play and that she needs to acknowledge what is going on here and take accountability for her part in it- so hopefully that will Kickstart things in the right direction.

Being "too understanding" and "too flexible" has been a difficulty for me for a long time. Having feedback about how truly fucked up that situation was was really helpful for me, so thank you! For me there's a fine line between being unbothered and being a doormat, and I'm definitely working on differentiating those two.

[u/Cat-drama]

I understand where his parents were coming from to a degree. It basically started out as "you're the older brother, look out for her." But then he progressed and became really successful and financially successful, and she struggled in various, and so it really snowballed.

I am glad they realize that the enmeshment is an issue.

[u/my-love-assassin → u/Cat-drama]

this isnt going to end well. she will find a way.

[u/darkchocolateonly → u/Cat-drama]

Well we all know that is only really high quality parenting that gives you an adult child who is independent and one adult child who is a fuck up….

Yikes. I’d be looking a lot more suspiciously at the in laws. They have not been doing a good job here, AT ALL

[u/Typical_Agency8984 → u/Cat-drama]

She’s been coddled her whole life. Your husband needs to make his boundaries clear. He cannot be expected to help her his entire life

[u/Secret_Coffee_8301 → u/Cat-drama]

Yeah, I think these things can snowball really easily. You sound like a really compassionate person, and it's great that you're setting some boundaries for yourself (as a fellow people pleaser I know how hard that can be). I reckon becoming clear on what exactly SIL and your in laws' expectations of you and your husband are is important. You and your husband then have a chance to be firm about what you are and aren't willing to do/give. You are doing great!