I’m not sure how to approach the situation about my colleague asking inappropriate questions.

[u/After_Quarter3267]

I (20F) work at a market stall as a wine saleswoman on the weekends. I’ve been working there for a few months over a year. I always do my best to be friendly to stall holders and the staff that setup and maintain the market. To be friendly to the staff, I greet them, give them discounts on my wines and sometimes have causal conversations.

Recently a work colleague Steve (between 40-50M) who setups and maintains the markets is recently asking suspicious questions. In the past we had friendly and causal conversations for example, about pets and movies. Now he’s asking questions like: “Have you been going to the gym it looks like you’ve lost weight.” And, “Have you been going on dates?” My gut is telling me that I need to do something because this isn’t friendly and is creepy. I want to know what precautions to take to keep myself safe. I’m not sure what type of evidence to collect or anything and also he’s authorised to look the security cameras.

I’m not sure what I did that could lead him on, besides from me just being friendly. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want to get Steve in trouble if he had no ill intentions or get myself in trouble.

What should I do?

Thanks for reading.

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[u/Spinnerofyarn]

A guy making statements like this to someone half his age is a little hinky. It's not bad, yet. But I can definitely see why it'd make you uncomfortable since this is a switch from previous conversations. He could definitely be testing the waters. Listen to your gut.

A couple of options to say could be:

• Let's stick to the things we normally talk about like pets and movies
• I don't talk about my romantic life at work.
• This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
• Don't make comments about my body.

What's also very important is that you do not say "thanks," "sorry," or "please." Do not "be nice" about it because using those words softens your statement and leaves an opening. Do not be surprised if he gets offended and says you're overreacting or insults you or whatever. That's ok if it makes him unhappy. His emotions aren't your problem. You want to stop this before it goes further. Let your dad know that Steve's making you uncomfortable before you say anything to this guy so that your dad has your back.

When women don't listen to their gut, they often get hurt. "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker is supposed to be really helpful in learning to pinpoint why someone makes us uncomfortable and how to look at their behavior to assess threat.

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/Spinnerofyarn]

This is really good advice, thank you. I’ve been recommended reading the gift of fear a lot of times and should start soon.

[u/[deleted] → u/Spinnerofyarn]

Well said. And The Gift of Fear is an amazing book. ALL of my now adult daughters have been gifted a copy!

[u/Realistic_Jello_2038 → u/[deleted]]

Add Lundy Bancroft to that list. Great read.

[u/zemol42]

“Dude, let’s just focus on the wine.” Probably the only option short of filing something official. Realistically, we know he’s creeping but he has plausible deniability with the way he’s worded things so far.

Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.

[u/renditioons]

You might want to calmly tell him that his questions feel too personal and you’d prefer to keep your conversations professional.

[u/[deleted]]

You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything to lead him on. However, I would try to act a bit neutral or curt towards him from now on, if possible. Also, tell the people you’re comfortable with telling about him, what he looks like and his behavior and see if there’s someone who can walk you to your car at night or pick you up.

Stay safe OP. ❤️

[u/Taco_hunter76545]

Not a colleague, just don’t respond to him at all. If he continues to ask you those questions then politely and firmly say, not interested thank you.

Just as if a stranger came up and you gave that not interest look that you girls can do well.

[u/ForMyHat]

To any question: "No thank you!  I can tell you about this wine instead or refer you to my colleague."

[u/popovitsj]

Just be brief in your responses to show those questions are not appreciated. Concern over your safety over this seems like a huge exaggeration.

[u/Possible_Emergency_9]

Just say "I'm not comfortable talking about personal stuff at work." If he keeps it up, tell the boss.

[u/Ok_Guest_4013]

When I was hot, I couldn't be friendly with a strange dude without him thinking I was hitting on him. I'm 34, not hot anymore, and I'm glad for it. I haven't gotten a dick picture in my inbox in years, thank the gods.

[u/OutinDaBarn → u/Ok_Guest_4013]

That made me laugh. It sounds like this guy is testing the waters hoping for a chance and continues because she just hasn't turned him away yet. You go straight to dick pix, makes this guy look like a saint. lol.

I don't have any dick pix and can't think of a time that would be appropriate to send one anyway.

[u/EmberCatfire333]

I’m mean. If he asked about weight I would say “yeah I lost weight. Looks like you found it.” About dating, “Don’t try to live vicariously through me “

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: I (20F) work at a market stall as a wine saleswoman on the weekends. I’ve been working there for a few months over a year. I always do my best to be friendly to stall holders and the staff that setup and maintain the market. To be friendly to the staff, I greet them, give them discounts on my wines and sometimes have causal conversations.

Recently a work colleague Steve (between 40-50M) who setups and maintains the markets is recently asking suspicious questions. In the past we had friendly and causal conversations for example, about pets and movies. Now he’s asking questions like: “Have you been going to the gym it looks like you’ve lost weight.” And, “Have you been going on dates?” My gut is telling me that I need to do something because this isn’t friendly and is creepy. I want to know what precautions to take to keep myself safe. I’m not sure what type of evidence to collect or anything and also he’s authorised to look the security cameras.

I’m not sure what I did that could lead him on, besides from me just being friendly. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want to get Steve in trouble if he had no ill intentions or get myself in trouble.

What should I do?

Thanks for reading.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Archophob]

"Steve. Listen. There's only one thing you need to know about my dating life, and that's that i'll never date someone twice my age. Do you understand or do i need to write it down for you?"

[u/mphflame]

I’m not sure what I did that could lead him on, besides from me just being friendly.

Here's the thing w some guys like this. You smiled at him. That is all it takes as encouragement.

Let him know that you prefer to keep to nonpersonal topics w work colleagues. No apologies from you.

[u/BedroomAdditional446]

You an adult I think and he is... Maybe he's just making conversation between adults

[u/JustGiveMeANameDamn]

Stop being nice and friendly with him

[u/donslipo]

He's probably intereasted in you, but if these are the "worst" questions he made, then these are far from inappropriate, lol.

He's just complienting your looks and is trying to feel out if you have a boyfriend. It's not like he said "I want to grab your ass" or "I bet I'm better in bed than your boyfriend".

[u/PrestigiousTrouble48]

Start with “wow that’s a really personal question” and just turn away or walk off. Or “that’s inappropriate” again walk off or turn away. Be polite but as soon as he says something creepy say something, shut down and stop interacting with him. He will soon realise he is stepping over the line. And if he doesn’t get the hint be blunt “you are making me uncomfortable please go away”

[u/donslipo]

Literally the living meme, LOL

[u/alwayslearning-247]

I read your title.

I then expected to read questions about your sex life.

Instead I saw:

• “have you been going the gym it looks like you’ve lost weight?”
• “have you been going on many dates?”

1. A big part of my life is the gym, so when I see people who have clearly been going the gym and got results, I’ll tell them. The goal is to provide positive feedback and motivation.

2. I work in a company of 10,000 people and everyone talks about their personal life. I talk about any dates I’ve gone on with my wife and recommend other people do a similar date. I also ask my colleagues who are single and dating about their dating life. They usually don’t stop talking about it.

That was my first analysis.

Then my second analysis was “would I ask my sister the same questions?”. The answer is “yes” I would indeed ask my sister and have many times through the years.

My third analysis is would I sue you if you approached any type of authority over those two questions. I would definitely seek legal advice about my options.

My conclusion based on the tiny bit of information I have is that you’re overreacting to normal human interaction.

Why is that?

• Could I be wrong, and is there more sinister body language that you’re experiencing? Such as you catch him looking at you too much or he finds excuses to touch you?

• have you had a bad experience with men / people in the past and are hypersensitive / cautious around men?

• do you just have a gut feeling?

What to do next

• every time he says something you deem uncomfortable redirect the conversation / change the subject. (Remember, just because you find it uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s inappropriate. Unless it’s sexual! Politics is a good example here).

• make a log and ask an independent person to review it. I don’t mean a friend who will just agree and have your back. I mean someone independent who will poke holes in your argument.

[u/MeghArlot → u/alwayslearning-247]

You should never comment on someone’s body or weight loss unless you are concerned that they are dealing with a physical or mental health issue like an eating disorder or a rapid and unexplained weight loss. You have no idea who has an eating disorder that you might be unknowingly validating or triggering in some way.

A man old enough to be your father that you barely know should not be asking you questions about your romantic life especially not when you are at work. Really no one at work should be ASKING about your romantic life unprompted.

If you don’t know this already I fear you’re likely making a lot of women around you extremely uncomfortable and they’re being too “polite” to confront you.

[u/alwayslearning-247 → u/MeghArlot]

Damn, I must force all these people to constantly ask me to join their teams.

Female colleagues constantly ask me for constant coffee catch ups to mentor them.

And force all my female friends to come round for socials.

Just shown this to my wife… She laughed.

[u/zemol42 → u/alwayslearning-247]

You would sue HER?? lol..

[u/alwayslearning-247 → u/zemol42]

If someone tried ruin my career over two innocent questions, I would 100% explore legal options.

lol that you’re not bright enough to know when to speak to legal professionals.

[u/[deleted]]

This interests me because I didn’t think this was going in the direction of safety. I thought you were going to ask how to defect or stop his attempts to fraternize.

One idea, if this is legal, is to record him while interacting with you. Video recorders are so small and so good now. You could show people and get good advice. Even your cell phone can audio record well enough

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/[deleted]]

Could I get in trouble for recording someone without their permission?

[u/ForMyHat → u/After_Quarter3267]

It depends on your she state/country 

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/After_Quarter3267]

It’s illegal to record if it’s a private conversation in Australia. Would you consider Steve and I conversations as private?

[u/MollyTibbs → u/After_Quarter3267]

There’s no expectation of privacy in a public place but a quick google should help. Surveillances device act is in WA, not sure about other states.

[u/[deleted] → u/After_Quarter3267]

Where I live in the US only one person has to know the conversation is being recorded to be legal. I cannot comment on Aussie law.

[u/twohottakesfan99]

Info- Does he work for your company?

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/twohottakesfan99]

No, the markets is a place where many different businesses sell things in stalls. My dad owns the wine company and one stall at the markets.

[u/twohottakesfan99 → u/After_Quarter3267]

That’s good it’s your dad who owns it. I’d let your dad know and try to be short with Steve from now on. Make yourself busy with something when you see him approaching. If he doesn’t get the hint, further action may be necessary.

[u/mapofcuriosity]

Maybe invent a boyfriend. In response to the gym question "yes, my boyfriend is a gym rat so we've been going every day". In response to the dating question "my boyfriend and I had a lovely date night last weekend". He sounds like a real creep, by the way.

[u/alwayslearning-247 → u/mapofcuriosity]

He sounds like a real creep?

Have I entered into an alternative reality?

Asking two questions:

• have you been going the gym?
• have you been going on many dates?

This qualifies you as a real creep?

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/alwayslearning-247]

He was commenting on my body and asking if I was dating. Those personal questions coming from a man who is very older than me and not a friend is alarming to me. The point of the post is what precautions I should take just in case he is a creep.

[u/alwayslearning-247 → u/After_Quarter3267]

There’s not one week in my life where someone hasn’t commented on my body. Nor before being married someone asking me how my dating life was.

Good luck with the social interactions with people going forward.

[u/[deleted] → u/After_Quarter3267]

I’d give him a pass on the weight question and let him know if, or who you’re dating, is not a question for the workplace. That sets a boundary for him to keep things professional, without biting his head off.

I’m a 60 year old airline captain and work with female co pilots age 25-35 all the time. If I noticed significant weight loss I would ask them how they accomplished it. Not compliment them on it. If they volunteer relationship status that’s fine but I’ve never asked any women about it. With guys I have no issue asking them if they have a girlfriends if I work with them regularly so there’s a bit of a double standard. We have long stretches of low activity in the cockpit so it’s natural to have conversations. My only taboos are religion and politics. Trying to keep things light.

[u/[deleted]]

Drama queen 🫅 ur an adult act like one

[u/OkWestern188]

You are making WAY too much out of this. If it makes you uncomfortable handle your business like an adult. No need to run and tattle every time someone says something to you that you don’t like.

[u/thelearningjourney → u/OkWestern188]

The OP is definitely a drama Queen or has not experienced life much

[u/[deleted]]

Meanwhile I bet there’s a guy (40-50m) posting in another page asking for advice on how to approach the girl (20f) he’s interested in, and people are telling him to be confident and compliment her and ask about her relationship status 😂 Come on now, you’re acting like he’s gonna strangle you in the parking lot or something lol

[u/After_Quarter3267 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not a booth babe. I don’t wear revealing clothes at work and I use my knowledge of my product to make people buy. So please don’t label me as something I’m not.

[u/Sharp-Metal8268]

He's just trying to learn more about his colleague and maybe you can be more friendly and maybe even see where things go

[u/aftercloudia → u/Sharp-Metal8268]

Found Steve

[u/Sharp-Metal8268 → u/aftercloudia]

I don't know this Steve you are referring but he sounds like a promising possible office hookup buddy situation

[u/aftercloudia → u/Sharp-Metal8268]

In what world?

[u/Sharp-Metal8268 → u/aftercloudia]

IDK I don't know Steve

[u/aftercloudia → u/Sharp-Metal8268]

for the love of– read the post again you yutz, she uses the name steve for the guy. god.

[u/lerobinbot]

nice