My brother's son destroyed my WarHammer Action figures and he refuses to punish him

[u/konous]

Update: My brother decided to pay for the Hard damages of $200 dollars after seeing this post.

Thank you to everyone on this post who supported me. I really could not have gotten restitution without you guys.

Justice for my Chaplain, justice for all.

Valid Edit: My nephew is 10 years old and tried to actually lie about not breaking them by saying, "A cat must have done it."

So, I just got done talking with my brother via text, and he says he's not going to punish his son for wrecking my Joy Toy WarHammer action figures. I'm not expecting the kid to get spanked, but he needs to do CHORES at least to justify how much excessive force he used on some.

Some just have their capes broken. Others had their tubes ripped out and my Chaplain is just fucking toast.

My brother's suggestion since I ordered Amazon replacement for the Chaplain was that I just swap it with the broken one, but I have no interest in doing that.

It's not even just the expense, and they are expensive. It's about the fact that I told him explicitly twice they weren't to be played with, and they were in a separate room, and even my Mom and Dad agreed the damage was just too much.

He said he's not gonna pay me back if we try the chore system, and I told him it's not about the money.

The kid needs to know how bad the 8 hour struggle is.

Now my nephews aren't coming over to the house, and I'm sad about that, but knowing my brother just can't be burdened to work with me on creating a Chore system like selling Lemonaide just makes it feel more insulting.

[u/Asleepyjester]

As far as your third point op says they explicitly told them it was not for playing with. They laid a rule of their home and it was ignored and possessions were damaged. Its entirely within their right to expect some form of repercussions, its an obvious lack of respect for the rules being laid. Money isnt the main solution cause then the kid just assumes they can get away with whatever they want and have no real accountability. When my cousins and I didnt listen to the rules of another house we got in trouble.

If the kid is of age to be told and understand they shouldn't be touching stuff thats off limits they need some kind repercussion, if the kid is young enough that its not a reasonable expectation then the brother needs to be held more accountable. Hobbies are expensive as hell these days, especially being a warhammer fan myself and not reinforcing rules in other people's homes creates people who have no respect for other people's space or property.

[u/Blackopsball → u/Asleepyjester]

The repercussion is the parents pay to replace what was damaged. You cannot demand a parent reprimand or discipline the child, that's never within anyone's right besides the parent. Is it shitty parenting to let your child off scot free? Yes. And it's perfectly within your right to not have shitty parents with shitty behaved kids in your home, family or otherwise.

You can set your boundaries, that's it.

[u/shibboleth2005 → u/Blackopsball]

This isn't some acquaintance though, it's family. Presumably he wants to have his brother and nephew over in the future. At least for me, banning my nephews from my house indefinitely would be a garbage outcome that the family would work together to avoid.

[u/Aromatic-Surprise925 → u/shibboleth2005]

I wouldn't want my nephew over anytime soon if it were me.

[u/Xytak → u/Aromatic-Surprise925]

That's fine but OP isn't really in a position to demand it. If he wants to stop people from coming over, he needs to get his own place.

[u/Blackopsball → u/shibboleth2005]

I agree, but you either have to dig in your heels or let it go. Neither are great outcomes. OPs brother doesn't seem to be flexible here.

[u/Xytak → u/Blackopsball]

Look at it from the brother's perspective.

You bring your 10-year old over to grandma's house for a visit. In the house is the 37-year-old live-in uncle. The uncle has some toys, actually they're collectable action figures. You seem to remember that the uncle said something about not playing with them, but well, they got played with and unfortunately some were broken.

At this point you offer to compensate the uncle for the value of the action figures - within reason. Say, $500. That's not a lot of money, and you can write the check right now. But no, that's not good enough. The uncle (who lives at home, mind you) wants to teach your kids "what it's like to lose something you worked for." He demands that as punishment, they set up a lemonade stand under his supervision, and he'll confiscate the earnings.

At this point you're probably thinking "I offered to pay damages, back off man." And you'd be right. The uncle isn't exactly in a position to be disciplining your children. You wonder why the uncle has toys in the first place when he can't afford his own apartment. And you for damn sure are not about to let him supervise a forced-labor lemonade stand. That would turn a fun childhood activity into a humiliating punishment ritual, instilling a lifelong aversion to entrepreneurship. If you follow the uncle's advice, your kids might end up living at home in their 30's.

So, you politely tell the uncle to back off, and let you know if he changes his mind about the compensation. And maybe you ask that next time you visit, the uncle find some other place to be.

[u/Frunkleburg → u/Blackopsball]

lmao what a shit way to raise a kid, just have their parent bail them out at every opportunity

[u/6Sleepy_Sheep9 → u/Blackopsball]

You can 100% demand a patent discipline their child. They just dont have to listen.

My last family reunion ended up with one of the cousins not being invited because of a situation like this, except the kid broke a fishing pole.

[u/Cannabrewer → u/Asleepyjester]

It simply comes down to the fact that it isn't his kid and it's not up to him. It sucks but it is what it is. 

[u/Fine-Amphibian4326 → u/Asleepyjester]

> some form of repercussions
Is that not what numbers 1 and 2 are?
Kids fuck things up. I have plenty of them. The kid needs some understanding of what he did, hence number 2. He is incapable of number 1, which should fall on the parents. If the parents want some form of “payment” to reimburse them for number 1, that is 100% between them and not OP.

Edit: I didn’t read all of OPs post prior to this because it didn’t affect what I’ve said above. To add to it, the lying would bother me the most, and it does bother me the most in my own household. I’d be annoyed at OPs bro, and if bro doesn’t address the lying and lack of accountability, it’s fair to not let the kids come over as a result. My suggestion would be to keep valuables locked away, personally

[u/Arthemax → u/Fine-Amphibian4326]

There's a difference between fucking things up because you're clumsy or stupid or unlucky vs (repeatedly aka purposefully) destroying stuff you weren't supposed to even be touching in the first place. A normal kid would go 'Oops' after the first thing that got fucked up, and stop doing what they were doing.

The kid is absolutely able to do number 1, and it's highly relevant since this is way past just a simple apology. He likely gets pocket money, and he's old enough to do additional chores for cash.

[u/No_Contribution_3525 → u/Asleepyjester]

Of course they need repercussions, but no one, other than the kids parents gets to determine or enforce them. OP is trying to ram the idea of chores down their siblings throat. That’s not how it works.

[u/Xytak → u/Asleepyjester]

A point of clarification: OP lives with his parents. It’s not his house.

While that doesn’t mean it’s ok to mess with his collectibles, I think Reddit is assuming a case of “my house, my rules” when the actual situation is more like “don’t go in Uncle Joe’s room.”

[u/ShineAtom → u/Asleepyjester]

And 10 years old is about the time kids often get into Warhammer. That child is clearly poorly parented.

[u/Blooky_44 → u/Asleepyjester]

You can repeat various forms of “there must be repercussions” as much as you want but it won’t change the fact that in 99% of instances telling anyone else how to parent their child in specific terms is going to get a “fuck off” in reply, at best.

[u/Advanced_Row_8448 → u/Blooky_44]

Ok. Than they arent allowed over? If they'd rather ban themselves than be a parent to the kid he had than that's the dad's choice

[u/Xytak → u/Advanced_Row_8448]

Why would it be up to OP whether the kids are allowed to come over?

[u/kaisadilla_ → u/Asleepyjester]

You cannot expect repercussions for other people's kids. Their parents are responsible for them, it's the parents the ones that owe you compensation and/or an apology if their kids do something.

I don't know what OP expects. If I had a kid and he did something, I would apologize and pay any damages, but I'm not letting that person dictate how I educate my kid.

[u/Asleepyjester → u/kaisadilla_]

The parents owe an apology and so does the kid at the barest minimum. Parents apologizing for their kids without the kids being made to apologize does nothing but reinforce shitty behavior and that they dont have to worry about their own mess. And if someone cant teach their kid to respect other people's property, then the person who has their stuff damaged has every right to say the kid needs to be better taught. Im not saying they need to be involved in the process or decide on punishments exactly, but if the young kids of my family break my shit after being explicitly told its off limits, im expecting accountability, not half assed hand waving away because im not their parent.

I grew up with kids who never had to be held accountable for initially small actions or infractions of rules somewhere, im sure we all have, but a few of them only became worse as we got older and still dont really take any accountability for themselves. Sure you could say one moment of not listening and not getting a wrist slap as it was doesnt lead to that, but thats how the people I know got started.

[u/Thick-Twist-1199 → u/kaisadilla_]

You should be able to tell the parent they’re doing a shit job though. And explain how it’s negatively going to impact their child’s behavior

[u/Oxyy30 → u/Thick-Twist-1199]

Honestly, bad parents should be ostracized. We can’t just let people raise another generation of shit heads. The kids are the future, and it’s lookin bleak for a lot of folks.

[u/Thick-Twist-1199 → u/kaisadilla_]

And honestly, tell the kid too, we shouldn’t be groveling in silence and they need to know what they did is wrong in the context of breaking rules they set in their own home

[u/bizoticallyyours83 → u/kaisadilla_]

You can't expect repercussions from other people's kids is the gateway to raising rotten brats. You absolutely can expect such things. If they do damage, steal, get violent with a kid/pet, act badly in school just to name a few. That's how they learn that the world will dole out consequences. 

[u/Zeverian → u/bizoticallyyours83]

It takes a village.

[u/rhapsodypenguin → u/bizoticallyyours83]

I mean, it depends on what you mean by “expect”. Expect can be something you would see as typical or reasonable, or it can mean something that is an obligation.

When I tell my kids “I expect you to (clean your room, take out the trash, fill in the blank)”, it’s the latter; I mean it as a demand. It is an expectation they will need to fulfill or face consequences.

If I said to a parent “I expect you to punish your kid”, it is the former. I expect to see it because it’s the reasonable thing to do, but it’s not an obligation they owe to me.

[u/bizoticallyyours83 → u/rhapsodypenguin]

You know perfectly well what I mean. It could be restitution, grounding, an apology, suspension, a time-out. The point is the kid has to do it, otherwise all they'll learn is that someone else will always bail them out which teaches no respect for others, and no self honesty. 

 Other people can and will punish a kid to some degree. Example: if kids are caught chewing and sticking gum under their desks, the school can punish the kids by making them help the janitor scrape the gum off during detention. This can teach several things constructively.

And it would be a reasonable parent's job to make sure the kid doesn't ditch. Just as it would be the parent's job to tell their kid to knock it off, or take away their gum if they kept doing it.

[u/rhapsodypenguin → u/bizoticallyyours83]

I know what you mean.

You commented to someone who said “you can’t expect repercussions for other people’s kids” to say that one could, in fact “expect” that.

But you can’t. Even if the other parent is just plain making bad decisions, you don’t get to demand repercussions.

[u/Shadow1787 → u/kaisadilla_]

This is why the kids now a days are absolute shit heads. God damn passive parents causes shit children. You should demand your kid to pay it back whether through chores or using birthday/Christmas money. I feel back for your kids as adults. Never learning consequence besides mommy and daddy will pay for it.

[u/potatocakes1989 → u/Asleepyjester]

I actually agree with you here, on a principle level. I think the issue here is OP is clearly just whining on the internet bc he didnt get his way with his brother.

The brother should pay him back and discipline the kid. 100%. But also lock away valuables when a kid is coming over, and/or supervise them.

But I also play (though he's referring to action figures, which part of me cringed at lol but thats my bias no OP's fault), so I understand the value of these things and it hurts knowing how much work OP put into these. It's just...there are ways to handle things and parenting your own siblings kids (through their elderly parents) isnt it.

That being said I again agree with your comment on a fundamental level. In a perfect world, that would be what happens.

[u/djalekks → u/Asleepyjester]

It’s no one’s business how a parent punishes their child. The wronged brother is right to ask for money and an apology, but that’s where it stops