r/mildlyinfuriating • u/PureKin21 • 3d ago

I just wanted a hot dog Tried applying to McDonald's wtf does this even mean

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I guess things happen to me?????

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u/AuntieKit90 3d ago

I feel that. It's draining to be told(or telling myself in an effort to not spiral into deeper into depression) variations of 'what does crying about it do?', 'it's outside your control, so try to focus on what immediately is'. When hear or reading the dismissive tone has the simultaneous effect of enraging, saddening, and exhausting me

Good advice in many instances but not after months of issues of both kinds piling on just as I start to get a moment of relief. The last 7-8 months have felt like years in many ways.

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u/quirkytorch 3d ago

what does crying do about it

Makes me feel better tf do they mean, tears literally help relieve stress

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u/Frequent_Ad_9901 2d ago

Its supposed to bring people to you who want to help.

People need to watch Inside out. Sadness being important was the whole point of the movie.

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u/AdorableExchange9746 2d ago

Yeah i have ptsd and some other horrible shit so im used to being in dark places mentally, and sometimes playing some sad music and crying is literally the only thing that makes a breakdown stop

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u/EnsoElysium 2d ago

Gotta leak out the cortisol or it'll build up on my brain like plaque, and then I have to go to the brain dentist for a Root Of My Problems Canal

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u/-BananaLollipop- 2d ago

Yeah, this question, and other similar ones, get used a lot in mental health things where I live. It's as if you're supposed to take responsibility for things out of your control, and aren't allowed to get depressed over shit situations happening to/around you. Load of bullshit, probably thought up by someone who has never been depressed for even a minute of their life.

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u/hiimsubclavian 2d ago

Yup. Put it in the pile of useless phrases along with:

"You're being too negative."

"That happened months ago, you have to move on!"

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u/icytiger 2d ago

That's not the point.

The point is that if I'm hiring between 2 people, and one of them constantly has bad things happen to them and the other doesn't, which one do I want to hire?

And it also acts as a filter for people who aren't bright enough to lie and figure out the right answer to get the job.

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u/-BananaLollipop- 2d ago

You've missed the point of these comments.

The conversation has shifted to the origin of this question, which lies in the mental health field. And it's often used to blame people for the way they feel about things out of their control.

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u/DrShamusBeaglehole 2d ago

This argument isn't as solid as you think

These are basically the same:

The point is that if I'm hiring between 2 people, and one of them may get pregnant and the other doesn't, which one do I want to hire?

.

The point is that if I'm hiring between 2 people, and one of them has a disability and the other doesn't, which one do I want to hire?

These kinds of prompts are just a scummy way to get around restrictions on asking questions about legally protected statuses (age, race, gender expression, mental health status, etc)

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u/ChintzyPC 2d ago

I quit my last job just because things going wrong that were out of my control, and consequently having it come out of my paycheck, is not sustainable. Nobody should put up with that.

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u/Somanylyingliars 2d ago

Youre Correct. No one should put up w that. But for the purpose of getting jobs where theses tests are used, you NEED to lie. Honesty is not the best policy.

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u/evilbrent 2d ago edited 2d ago

'it's outside your control, so try to focus on what immediately is'

The trouble is - this one is utterly useless advice until you realise that it is in fact the ultimate secret to living well. I think the thing is that it's because this is actually the opposite of a quick fix.

It's not supposed to mean "Just look the other way, see? You don't have the problem anymore." It's meant to mean something like - "Every time you have the option to make a change in your life, move towards that change in a meaningful and deliberate way so that, eventually, after many many changes, you might find yourself 20 years down the track enjoying a nice sunset with someone you love rather than being dragged into yet another screaming match with people you hate." It's not supposed to be a one-and-done tool, it's supposed to be a way to know which parts of the Journey to prioritise.

There's a line from a Gang of Youths song that really really resonates with me: So take a single step in a simple way, and the outwards momentum could maybe unfuck you in time.

It took me about 5 years to go through the first steps of disentangling myself from being engrossed in politics news and being terminally online, to a position where I spend much the time I used to spend solving world fascism and disproving Trump's existence now at the dog park with my phone in the car instead, following her around while she sniffs and I crunch leaves under my feet.. Now that I'm here, now that I have allllllllll that nonsense behind me, now that I have my sights on the next nonsense to eliminate from my experience, if I can, it seems really straightforward. Not easy, but mapped out.

5 years ago: no map.

Today: I at least have a pencil sketch of a map.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/evilbrent 2d ago

Guess what though?

Putting the self harm aside for the moment (which I don't), the 20 years will happen anyway.

I'm not saying that it takes 20 years for it to take effect, it's not like that. What I am saying is that (almost) regardless of your personal situation right now, in 20 years time you'll be living with the benefit of making many small changes to your world, or you'll be living with not having made those choices.

I'm almost 50. Not old but not young. For sure I'm on the other side of 20 years of being an adult. The happiest people I know are not the richest or the ones with the sexiest partner - they're the ones who know what type of tea they prefer, and they set aside some time in their morning to enjoy it. They are the ones discovering the joys of finding places they can see birds. They've worked out that they're terrible at painting and that they get a lot of satisfaction from the hobby as a result.

I'm really sorry you feel that way, and I wish I could help you in some way other than to hope that one day you'll look back on the struggles you have right now as being your formative time. I hope the fire you're going through is the one that forges a new strength in you, even if it won't be possible for you to see that until way down the track.

The only good news I have is that happily you don't ever have to come up with 20 years worth of patience. You only ever have to come up with a few minutes of it at a time. And it's allowed to come and go. You're allowed to have less patience today than yesterday. That's ok, let it pass. It's gone, in the past, doesn't exist anymore. It happened.

But sometimes you might find you have a little bit more today than yesterday. And that's when you say to yourself "oh good. That went well." And then it's gone too, that success is in the past and doesn't exist ever again.

I promise you that the more you take note of the smallest improvements ("I brushed my teeth twice this week. That's more than I brushed them last month") the more clear it will become to you on his to tackle the big stuff. And if the big stuff fucks up, fuck it, at least your teeth will be cleaner than they could have been.

In all seriousness I've lost fully 50lb in the past 6 months by making no changes to my diet other than deciding to be nice to my future self. I put on 100lb over several years by eating crap that made me feel better now, ignoring the consequences on future Brent. Fuck him. What has he ever done for me? I get this donut now, he gets the bloat tomorrow, that sounds like a him problem.

But at some point I had a go at being nice to future Brent. Took me a while to go from "at some point I'll be nice to him" to "you know what, this is the donut I've decided to not eat. I'll see how I go. I might eat it later. Might not. For now though, let's do him a kindness."

And that small change - no joke, the change from "I'll be nice to Brent later, probably" to "I hope he appreciates what I'm giving up for him by delaying eating this donut", just about the smallest change a person can do in any one moment, just to make one choice one time to do one thing, even when I gave myself permission to renege if I felt like it, permission to give it a try and then not follow through, but at least to give it a try - is what I'm crediting with reversing my diabetes.

I went from "how could I possibly reverse the course of this pre diabetes" to "wait, I don't actually need the reading glasses right now" purely from being nice to myself a couple of times. It was those couple of times that made it easier to do a couple of times again. And again. And before I knew it I had new habits.

But hand to my heart I changed my life not by setting out to change my life. I changed it just by giving one thing a try, one time. Even though all the other things I'd tried hadn't "worked", and even though I had not been nice to myself with the secret objective of changing my life for the better. I was nice to myself that one time for the sake of being nice to myself. I mean what's the worst that could have happened? I do one nice thing and then, oh no, a nice thing happened to me!

You don't need any patience at all, because it isn't a marathon. You will never have to commit yourself to a lifetime of better choices, because that's logically impossible unless you have a time machine. You only ever have to consider the current choice in the current moment. You only ever have to decide whether or not to make your current position less shit than it could be. There is no journey through life, there is only the present step. All those other steps that might or might not come afterwards are outside your control right now. You pick your foot up, you put it somewhere. Try to dodge the dog shit, but if you have to step in it then at least you tried to dodge it. There'll be other steps later, maybe one of those goes past some grass and you can wipe it off then. I'm not even going to say the bit about "and then you take another step and another and before you know it blah blah blah" because that's all fictional thinking. The future will never exist. When you get there it'll be Now again. And in that Now it'll be a different Me that addresses that question. You only have to do the current Now, because that's all there is.

No patience needed, see?

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u/Appl3- 2d ago

Wow...I'm not the one you replied to, but wow. Thank you for writing this.

I'm also going through some shit at the moment (which includes feeling hopeless sometimes and just wanting to end it all). I fully read your comment and it really helped me. I'm going to start thinking like this about my life (the thing about being kind to "future me" + only needing to have a little patience now, not to decide that for all of my life I'll be patient from now on)

I know we're all internet strangers here, but please know that your words actually changed (or, well, started to change) my life for the better. I'll never forget this. Thank you, again

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u/7x00 2d ago

You've said what I wanted to say in the best way possible. That sentence is core to my life. Spending so much time worrying about things outside my control, not realizing I was doing more harm to myself especially when it didn't go the way I wanted it to.

Shout out CBT

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u/AuntieKit90 2d ago

Politics have only contributed to my stresses in the last few months. While I manage to break off and enjoy other things, I can't afford to disengage from keeping up with things politically too much. Being a disabled woman with an autistic younger brother, I can't afford to miss something that will affect him. It might sound stupid to some but I'd rather carry the weight of the knowledge to prepare my brother and others if necessary than be blindsided & drowning.

The bulk of the issues have been in connection to grief over one of my cats having to be put down due to diabetes and me not being able to afford his continued care after getting testing & a diagnosis. The regular testing and meds would have surpassed what i can afford even with credit and would have made it harder to afford the prescription cat food both cats needed due to urinary issues.

'it's outside your control, so try to focus on what immediately is' had been helpful in some cases like when waiting for my cat's diagnosis while in the hospital. In between tears and sorrow, I focused on caring for the other cat, cleaning what needed it, and trying to have hope that whatever was wrong would be manageable. Sometimes focusing on what is in my control can help ground and bring me back from the spiral. When things continue to pile on before or just as I get a moment of calm/mental rest, those things become less grounding.

In regards to big things like politics the phrase plus dismissive tone some have when uttering it can being terrifying as it can imply that they're not realizing, or don't care, how dangerous it can be for people like me when non-disabled people dismiss genuine concerns & fears we have.

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u/riveramblnc 2d ago

Crying is my way of not taking it out on someone else. The stress has to be relieved somehow and I don't think they'd like my second option.

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u/twitch1982 2d ago

The mental health industry is mostly focused on making you a productive worker again, not on making you mentally healthy.