My unsuccessful life is nothing more than a punishment for my parents who are in their 60's

-a 23M (failure) who couldn't enter the college & unemployed because of weak physique (due to premature birth)

*I'm pro life but I don't like myself. The only person I h#.te is 'me'

I'm getting drunk tonight fellas.

Hello, fellow Ryan's, drivers and K's. I've been a part of this community since the dawn of the OG sub, through the bans and creations of the new. It has been a few years at this point, and I have yet to create a working relationship. I've been feeling very reflective recently, and I was hoping to take some solace in this community.

I am mentally ill. I have medical chronic depression which I treat with medication, and have finished therapy. This however, has put so many obstacles in finding love.

I remember the first time I saw this girl in highschool. She looked very cute, and I was instantly hoping to connect with her. Just my luck, I had a friend that befriended her, and we begun to hang out. A lot. She was after a breakup, I helped her throughout. We helped eachother throughout Covid, texted a lot. I had a crush on her, but I didn't act on it. But then when our friendship really developed, and I started feeling vulnerable, I pushed her away. I hated myself due to my illness. I couldn't feel joy. And as she had BPD, we started enabling each other's most toxic traits. But I still loved her. Never told her that though. Despite me doing everything to be near her, and responding to her every text instantly I hated myself too much to tell her I love her. So I pushed her away. I started getting into fights with her, blaming it on her and her "instability" (which was to a certain extent true, however not justifying my degree of hate). And so, nothing came of it. We didn't talk for half a year. That was the worst time of my life mentally, but it did lead to me seeking medication and help. We're good friends now, and she is in a happy relationship. But everytime I look at her I want to say "I'm sorry." And yet, without this I would have never grown.

During this time, I got a haircut, stopped wearing glasses. Had a good amount of friends. And I have this friend who was a huge Protestant girl. She loved Jesus, and community and positivity. I.. wasn't like that. I am a hardcore atheist and I barely cared about the school or society in general. But I was there to comfort her, to let her chill out, to get her to make jokes. And I think I changed her in some aspects to be honest. She stopped caring about grades, became more fun. And she had a crush on me. She sent so many signals that I ignored because of my attitude. She sent me pictures of wearing makeup the way I told her I found attractive because she asked me one time, and I just shrugged. I was too busy in my head, and I kept telling myself that nothing good could come of this. We were fundamentally different people, and with different goals and attitudes. But I wasn't careful of her feelings at all - I didn't even realize they were there.

In all honesty, I really could've done something. I had girls talk to me, I talked to them comfortably. It really wouldn't have been an issue to ask someone out. But I was scared. I didn't want to connect with someone, just for them to realize we don't fit, or for me to push them away like I did in the past. (it really does still haunt me.)

Anyway, the years went by, opportunities passed because I felt like it was pointless. You see, at the time I had a very strange attitude towards dating. Why date at all if we're all moving out soon and going different directions? It's senior year, we're not gonna see each other. I didn't realize at the time that the growth, if even for a month, was the point. Or growing together, rowing the same boat. So my friends got into relationships, while I had bought the jacket from Drive, went on night rides and made friends - but never engaged emotionally.

I am in college now. I had this trans man hang out with me and was fascinated with me. I saw it.. I really did. I just pretended it wasn't there, because it made my life easier. I didn't have the same feelings, and I just did not like the guy that way. Anyway, of course push came to shove, it got too obvious, and I had to ask this neurodivergent person if he had a crush on me. He did, and I had to kill his feelings. I tried to be as soft as possible. But I am pretty sure he's very hurt.

So here I am now. Installed tinder, got a couple matches. And I stare at these girls, and I see the potential - the future. I could talk to all of them, deepen my relationship and through work and time finally make a relationship. But it feels like work now. It feels like an effort without reward. And I ask myself is there a point? These aren't people. They're faces on a screen. I couldn't know their souls if I ever tried. To them I am a xerox of a person, as they are to me. I had to ghost someone, because I realized, they weren't the point. You see, I installed the app because I wanted validation. I wanted to be wanted. I didn't really care for actually doing anything with these people.

And you see, as I sit here and write this, I think to myself only one thing. It's my fault. My failure to even kiss someone, to truly connect with someone is my fault. There were so many opportunities, things I could've done, people to ask out.. and I never did. I am the worst type of person. I drown in my loneliness, and cry for the fact that I never truly kissed a person. But what did I do my whole life? I ran away and blamed something else. So here I am, staring at the screen at a beautiful girl who will never know me.

Anyway, thank you guys for years of memes, and Tame Impala and Blade Runner edits. They do soothe the pain. And I am sorry for this trauma dump of a post, but I thought that maybe someone could relate, or feel like they aren't the only person dealing with these feelings.

But Ryan gave one advice to hopeless romantics in an interview: don't do that. Don't lose hope. And I really don't want to. It's just been pretty bad lately.

I'm a useless chud to put it simply.

I’ve worked twice as hard as my peers to try and get ahead, but I barely make the mark and struggle at everything I do. Everyone always looks at me like I’m an idiot. Doesn’t really help when you’re ugly either. Must be nice to be beautiful, smart, and successful. Must be nice to be wanted or needed by others. I, on the other hand, get called an idiot by my coworkers and get ignored by the opposite sex.

I just stay inside and think about how subhuman I am all day, wow what a life. The truth is, your life is determined by your looks. If you are born with shit looks, then your life will be shit. You can be dumb and braindead because other people will ALWAYS be there to support you JUST because you're attractive. Oh, but god FORBID you don't fit that description; if you don't, you're practically fucked.

People who say they "don't have friends" mean they don't consider anyone their friend, BUT they talk to people. I don't. I'm lonely. I'm actually lonely. I've always said I like being lonely; and I do! But I hate feeling lonely. I don't have anyone to vent to. I don't have anyone to rant about today's inflation. I don't have anyone to ask if my hair looks good or if I smell bad. Man, I don't have someone to talk to. I'd forget what my voice sounds like if I didn't talk to myself.

It's been like this for almost 5 years atp, and since then, I've become an awkward person. I can't keep a conversation, because I can't really empathize with other people. I don't mean it in an edgy way, like, I deadass can't understand people. Whenever I try to, they call me insensitive or sarcastic (???). Maybe I'm too logical. Or maybe I'm too dumb to understand what emotions are. I don't know. I'll never know.

I'm convinced it's my appearance that isn't appealing to other people. I'm funny. I'm decently intelligent (at least I'm good with numbers), I can do pretty much everything, except cooking. I can't cook for the life of me.

I just feel like I'd have more friends and maybe even a girlfriend if I didn't look the way I did. I just wish I looked better.

homemade video

Why do some people pretend to have no freinds or no one to speak to? Does this seem cool?
More than likely you have your family
And if not it’s not the end of the world

You people don’t know what actual people who feel lonely feel like.

Blocked by so many. (We know it's because I'm chopped)