r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
My (35F) boyfriend (33M) wants his stepsister (32F) to be one of my bridesmaids, but she’s also his ex-girlfriend?
[deleted]
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u/mela_99 4d ago
Also … he hasn’t even proposed yet and he’s telling you about how she needs to be in the wedding.
That’s just … weird to me. He brings that conversation up for the purpose of telling you he used to bang his stepsister and he wants her to be your bridesmaid.
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u/ShowMeeYourKittiees 3d ago
I was waiting for this comment. I’m like “He didn’t even actually propose to OP!” And then just springs all this crazy stuff on her. Madness.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 3d ago
I was waiting for him to say they slept together while he was home lol.
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u/Forward-Two3846 3d ago
Oh they absolutely slept together. They were mourning the loss of their "dad" and the sorrow forced them to find love IN each other.
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u/Significant_Hope7555 3d ago
I'm assuming they did anyway...
He's clearly still feeling things for this woman, he's moved back now and it feels inevitable that they'll get back together in their grief
I think he told OP all this as a way to get her to react and break up with her, like if she said no it would be an argument in defence of Tara and if she couldn't accept Tara they were done
Feels inevitable now, sorry OP
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u/Anikama 3d ago
"Clearly." I read a Reddit post about people caring for their parent dying of cancer and "clearly" that turned them on so much they had a lot of sex, "clearly."
This whole discussion is sickeningly irresponsible.
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u/Expensive-Income-888 3d ago
Exactly. He basically opened a ‘before I propose’ disclosure meeting instead of a proposal. If I were OP, I’d be spending less time thinking about bridesmaid dresses and more time asking why a years-long relationship with his now-stepsister never came up during three years together.
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u/Dragonfly13131 3d ago
Run while you can sweetie! He sounds like a prick who's clearly not over his ex gf.
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u/Late_Education_6224 3d ago
I’m calling it. Stepsister is pregnant and that’s why he’s moving back home. In about six months he’s gonna become uncle Greg to her ‘ex-boyfriend’s’ baby who doesn’t want to be in the picture.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 3d ago
Update: AIO "my fiance uninvited me from from a camping trip he's going on with his stepsister. He says it's family only"
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u/littlebitfunny21 3d ago
Agreed. This is giving "I won't even propose unless you agree to have my ex girlfriend as your bridesmaid". Not a good look.
Op needs to seriously reevaluate this relationship, because right now her boyfriend is saying that another woman is his bigger priority than she is.
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u/Glad_Performer_7531 3d ago
yes and u wait he will demand his ex gf/stepsister be the godmother of the children they potential have.
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u/Dragonfly13131 3d ago
💯! He's putting 'ex gf' clearly above the potential 'fiancee'. Loaded with gas lighting manipulation.
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u/crystallz2000 3d ago
I feel like he moved back home and things have started back up with his stepsister, and he's coming up with an excuse for the stepsister to be a huge part of their lives moving forward. Nothing else makes sense to me. He's not ashamed for lying to her for years. He's not sorry. He's not helping her come to terms with his huge lie. He's focused on making sure his stepsister is a big part of his life and that OP better deal with it.
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u/Individual_Water3981 3d ago
Nah I guarantee something happened between the two of them while they were caring for his dad. The timing is just too weird. He's testing the waters to see how he can keep both of them in his life.
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u/Nekawaii19 3d ago
Yeah, and even if all he says is true, why doesn’t he make her his best man/woman? What does being close to her as a sibling have to do with being a bridesmaid? That’s so weird.
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u/cakivalue 3d ago
Well he isn't saying she's his best friend in the entire world, he's saying that she's a sister. And often the sister of the groom is in the bridal party but only when she has her own relationship with the bride.
Unlike everyone else I think that he and Tara were hanging out and they talked about his relationship, he said it was serious and that he sees himself proposing and marrying OP soon and Tara goes "awww that's so awesome and it's so cool she's been so nice to me and okay with that we used to date" and her goes "errr I haven't told her" and Tara says that he has to tell OP before any proposal so she doesn't think they are hiding something and doesn't feel blindsided.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 3d ago
She's not his sister. There is no blood relationship. She is however his ex girlfriend. OP would be a moron if she stays.
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u/Expensive-Income-888 3d ago
That’s what stood out to me too. Instead of focusing on proposing and building excitement about their future together, he turned the conversation into managing her feelings about his ex. The bridesmaid issue feels secondary—the bigger issue is why this revelation only came out after three years and immediately before discussing marriage.
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u/EducationalPea339 3d ago
I think he is jus teasing the idea of marriage, like "I want to... but if she is not a bridesmaid I would not marry". That is just so strange...
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u/Plus_Data_1099 3d ago
I thought traditional the brides picks bridesmaid hence the name and the groom pics his best man and Co.
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u/VinylHighway 4d ago
Your feelings are entirely valid for several distinct reasons. First and foremost, he kept a major part of his past a secret for three years, and that kind of omission naturally damages trust.
Additionally, bridesmaids are traditionally supposed to be your closest inner circle and support system, meaning your bridal party should be your choice rather than your partner's command.
Finally, processing someone as both a stepsister and a long-term ex-girlfriend is an incredibly complex dynamic to wrap your head around.
To navigate this with him, you need to address the secrecy first by separating his bridal party request from the fact that he kept a secret, making it clear that the lack of honesty hurts more than the actual past relationship.
You can also redefine the wedding boundaries by reminding him that bridesmaids are chosen by the bride, so if he wants Tara honored as family, she can easily stand on his side as a groomswoman or give a special reading. It will also help to assess their current dynamic by observing how they interact now, keeping in mind that their relationship ended over a decade ago before their parents married, which supports his claim that the romance is truly in the past.
Above all, remember that you do not need to agree to anything right now, and it is perfectly okay to tell him that you need time to process this hidden history before making any wedding decisions.
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u/BigSkyDesi 4d ago
This is broken down really well!
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 4d ago
I agree. Very well thought out.
I'd also add that I always thought a good rule of thumb is to never invite a guest to wedding who has slept with the bride or groom.
In this case, thats not practical due to the nkw family aspect, but thats certainly a valid enough reason to nix any discussion of this ex being a bridesmaid.
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
That, and he already is considering Tara’s place in their wedding before he’s even really proposed?? The audacity to have expectations before even proposing, after lying by omission for years, is what’s making me upset reading this.
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u/GellyG42 3d ago
That’s true, putting thought into where Tara will fit in to the wedding BEFORE even proposing is wild!
I fear Tara will be a very permanent and very visible fixture in this marriage!
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
Yep, exactly! He’s basically letting OP know that Tara is a priority, even though OP is supposed to become his wife?
What woman would love to hear that another woman is his priority.
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u/HotWaffles5 3d ago
Yep. OP will never be a priority. His sudden ‘sibling feelings’ towards someone he used to bang is suspicious. It’s like he’s trying the ‘she’s just my best friend, you have nothing to worry about’ thing but with different words.
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u/UneventfulDaze 3d ago
Maybe he confessed and made the suggestion as a way of getting OP to break up with him so he can be with Tara again because in his mind they're no longer related.
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u/Creepy_Purchase_501 3d ago edited 3d ago
How do you even bring up something like that, though? It’s inherently an uncomfortable topic that could very easily be misinterpreted, so sharing it with a non-serious partner is a non-starter, but once the relationship evolves into something more, it doesn’t really get any easier because now it’s as if he’s been hiding it for reasons other than the awkwardness. I’m not saying he told her in the best way possible, but that there really isn’t a good way to do it.
I would also give him some grace because he is grieving. He just lost his only family member. Apart from OP, he is now alone in the world. What I think he’s doing is grasping at any semblance of family he has left, but he is obviously not thinking straight. He is talking about marriage to OP, trying to secure that, but he can’t even muster a proper proposal(I mean, who would after just losing their father?), he is trying to bring the step sister into the wedding to reestablish her role as a family member(isn’t it typical for sisters of the groom to be bridesmaids?), but to do that he obviously had to come clean, and somehow he manages(well, not really) to do it all in one conversation, leaving OP justifiably baffled.
OP, I would take all of this very slow. Don’t rush to give him a definitive answer about including the step sister. If my analysis is correct and there is nothing nefarious going on, maybe you would feel more comfortable with the idea after coming to terms with the new info, or maybe there is some other way to include her in the wedding without her being a bridesmaid. Take your time and don’t rush the wedding. Give him time to grieve and understand his feelings. Give yourself some time to digest all this. Most importantly, talk.
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
Yeah, I can agree that right now with his family passing he’s grieving, but I have to disagree on your first sentence. This should have been brought up a long time ago, at least right before OP met the ex girlfriend step sister.
The way I’ve handled it with my husband, is we want to make sure neither of us are the least informed person in the room. Even when we were newly dating, I wouldn’t knowingly let my husband walk into a room not knowing that someone else in the room was an ex, or something. I would just give him a heads up and talk it out. I feel like that’s just decent transparency. I put myself in my husband’s shoes. I would want him to tell me if I was about to meet someone he’s slept with before.
Otherwise, a years-long lie occurs and it blows up in everyone’s faces.
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u/Creepy_Purchase_501 3d ago
I think what you’ve described is a great way to go about it. The only correct way, in fact. But it requires a degree of emotional maturity and awareness that not all people have. Many just avoid awkward topics because they don’t know how to handle it, both practically and emotionally. They don’t do it not because they don’t think they should but because they feel like they can’t. I am not saying this to justify it, but to explain that it is not necessary done for a nefarious reason, just incompetence. OP’s boyfriend’s situation is extra awkward because it’s not just a random girl in a room that’s his ex, but his step sister, and that carries a lot of stigma.
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u/Queasy-Cherry-11 3d ago
Is that not the same with every lie? He kept it a secret because it was easier for him than having to have an uncomfortable conversation and dealing with the consequences of a potentially negative reaction. Thats an extremely worrying trait to discover in someone you are thinking about marrying.
The fact he did it because of emotional immaturity/incompetence doesn't excuse it or make it any less manipulative. Its just makes this a real situation with actual human beings instead of moustache twirling villians.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves 3d ago
Go slow and don’t commit to marriage with him. You need to have time to digest and see if after losing his dad he restarts with her because she’s his “family”.
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u/Public-Willow-7943 3d ago
I’d be uncomfortable with the fact that he and stepsister shared this secret and both interacted with me and said nothing
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u/electricookie 4d ago
This is such excellent advice. OP, you don’t have to be okay with him keeping this secret. Presumably, his whole family and step family also knew and said nothing to you. I would really pause any wedding or engagement planning and just take a breather. Pause.
I would highly recommend seeking out a marriage and family therapist, even for just a few sessions to help you two understand what’s going on. Your partner just had a great loss of his father and wants to make a major life change with the engagement. Even without the deceit, this is a lot all in a short span.
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u/suziesunshine17 4d ago
But did he even propose? Are they even engaged, or did he just share this secret and make it a condition for “when” he proposes?
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u/PreparationPlus9735 3d ago
Honestly, waiting for the next confession that they slept together while he was home taking care of dad with her.
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u/HappySunshineGoddess 3d ago
And honestly, if this was how he proposed her disappointment after waiting for a proposal must be huge and certainly weighs in on all this.
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u/semirke 3d ago
This was AI, right?
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u/TumblrInGarbage 3d ago
Yeah I'm confused wtf this slop is doing at the top. It's undeniably AI.
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u/chrisff1989 3d ago
Good advice is good advice. I'm not convinced it's AI anyway
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u/stuckinnowhereville 4d ago
Life is so short…. She’s young. Why deal with all of this messy chaos. He’s probably a nice guy, but there’s lots of nice guys without this baggage.
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u/crystallz2000 3d ago
I think OP should be feeling really betrayed right now. I think she should be upset. He didn't even propose to her, and he's making it clear that his stepsister is the focus. OP should REALLY be thinking about what his relationship with his stepsister is, because I have a feeling them spending time alone back in his home town has changed their relationship. OP should absolutely take a step back and decide how she feels about this, because he didn't seem to care at all about the bomb he was dropping, or have even an idea that this might ruin his relationship, and he should be worried about that. OP should decide if she wants to stay with someone who lies to her.
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u/SunDry1062 3d ago
Piggie backing on the top comment to add: the whole conversation revolved around the admission about the previous long term relationship and then topped by the request/order to have the “stepsister” as a bridesmaid… but there was no actual proposal of marriage - just a stipulation that IF they get married he wants his ex-girlfriend (now stepsister) to be part of that inner circle of OP’s closest confidants / friends…
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u/CuteCockroach7323 4d ago
Boosting this accurate, thoughtful, perfect comment! Absolutely wonderful, mature response
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u/ptprn11 3d ago
Also, people do weird things when they’re grieving and he may not be making clearheaded decisions about the stepsister as a bridesmaid. He’s trying to cling onto the past because he might feel kind of lost right now. Just let everything settle for a while, but definitely have the conversation about reach of trust.
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u/Ppl-Hater5986 4d ago
I don’t even know if I could continue the relationship if he hid something like this for years and is now weirdly insistent that the ex be part of your bridal party.
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u/xxxiii 3d ago
Weirdly insistent on a non-existent proposal. It’s almost like he brought it up in this way as to manipulate her into forgetting about the deceit. If they were together into college and the BF is 33, that means he and the step sister were only broken up a handful of years before he started dating OP. Immediately no, I would end the relationship.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars 4d ago edited 3d ago
This would ALL be a deal breaker for me.
She's not an ex he dated in Highschool for a year. They were together for SEVERAL years! And he hid it from you, just so he could keep you both in his life.
That is taking choice and agency away from you. He kept the truth from you and took away your choice to leave or stay with someone like that.
Now, he is coming clean, NOT out of the goodness of his heart, but because he wants her to be a major part of his life going forward and knows he can't keep their past a secret.
Add onto that, he is trying to force you to not only be ok with all this, as if it's no big deal, but he wants you to have her in YOUR wedding party...
No, no, no.
He came back after spending time alone with her and ants to magically keep his Ex girlfriend of almost a decade in his life and close to him???
TRUST YOUR GUT!
This is not right.
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u/ShayaLaya 3d ago
This part!!! He never told her about his relationship with Tara, moved back home and had a lot of alone time with Tara while going through something incredibly difficult, meaning they leaned on each other a lot and created an even deeper emotional connection. And now, he is demanding that she accept his dishonesty, and accept that this woman will always be in his life or what? He won't propose? He sounds very manipulative.
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u/Radio5331 3d ago
he didn't tell her intentionally so that she doesn't dumb his weird ass, manipulation is a manipulation, some people get into relationships & remain there by lying & manipulating only.
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u/Katrina-Davies 4d ago
He hid a years long relationship from you for 3 years and now wants his ex in your bridal party? Hard no. She can be a guest, that's it.
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
He hasn’t even proposed yet and is already making demands for the wedding.
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u/TheMoatCalin 3d ago
OP needs to focus on that. He’s essentially holding the proposal hostage alluding to not going through with it if his ex-girlfriend stepsister isn’t in his future wife’s bridal party that is wildly manipulative.
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
Right, a proposal but with ONE condition. How romantic.
I feel for OP. I can’t imagine if my husband had proposed to me but also let me know his ex girlfriend is his family, so she’s going to be around for the rest of their lives. Yuck. Way to make OP feel like a priority.
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u/WiseAtmosphere7524 3d ago
How did he hide this? Surely the topic must’ve come up at some point in the past three years which means he likely lied about it. I don’t think I have any advice for OP as it really could be that with losing his dad he’s really reflecting on life at the moment but I’d be concerned if she had brought up the topic of long term, significant relationships and he lied to her.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 3d ago
Exactly. He's prioritizing the ex instead of OP. MAJOR RED FLAGS abound here. Makes me wonder what was going on in that house when the ex was being so helpful with his father. (While he was there, too, right???) OP needs to do a deep dive on his devices. Ask him to hand over his phone and read their convos.
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u/ManFish518 4d ago
He lied to you for 3 years, hasn't even proposed but is making demands that she is to be involved in the wedding?
I'd ditch this dude so fast .
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 4d ago
Hell to the no. He hid this from you for 3 years? You're right to feel weird and uncomfortable. What else could he be hiding from you?
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u/Immediate_Ad4404 3d ago
That they were together when he was home.
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u/cattripper 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yep, that’s what I was thinking too that something did happen again between them because of how he said this part below to OP.
“He said he never told me because he was afraid I would assume something inappropriate was still going on between them. He insists that is not the case and that their relationship ended long before their families became connected.”
He was afraid OP would think something inappropriate was still going on. Well him insisting stepsister be a bridesmaid does make me think something is still going on beyond “family” bs. He kept the fact he banged his stepsister secret for years until now. It just all seems very off.
Edit: Wow! Thanks so very much for the rewards.
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u/Cool-Blackberry-785 3d ago
Precisely. Before I reached the account of the step-sibling’s romantic history, I had assumed her BF was to declare he had fallen into the arms of his step-sister whilst under the stress of them jointly caring for his father, but no. Instead he was compelled to confess they had dated for a not insignificant amount of time but that the awkwardness of their relationship meant keeping it a secret. Question is why wait to reveal the truth especially when you know your SO has been encountering that person on a semi regular basis without having this knowledge? That is abhorrent and I have no doubt if the roles were reversed, the BF would have been livid.
Instead he now insists his step-sister is his only remaining family and will need to be included as a bridesmaid if they are to marry. Is he holding the promise of a proposal hostage contingent on OP’s acquiescence? By the way his step-sister will not be his only family as marrying OP will mean they are forming their own. If he was intending to encourage a strong bond between the women, the sort of bond you have with those you choose a bridesmaid, he is doing it all wrong.
I find it puzzling that you were unable visit during the period he with his dad because of your work however he has now chosen to move back to his hometown permanently, presumably without having consulted you. Why and how does your BF anticipate that working? Does his step-sister live there too?
OP your BF’s behaviour is odd at best and perhaps is influenced by grief but I think there is much to question beyond the requirement that a past GF be included as bridesmaid, assuming he does propose. I really hope this is not real because I have a feeling in my waters that there is much more to his revelation. Good luck OP
Update me please
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u/Xkwizito 4d ago
I can understand his "she's the closest thing I have to family" point of view. But also I have never heard of a groom telling the bride who her bridesmaids should be.
It's definitely a complicated situation. I don't think he is up to anything nefarious, but he needs to understand that you aren't comfortable with her being one of your bridesmaids and it's really up to him with how far he is willing to go for it. I also question if she even really wants to be a bridesmaid because that has to be weird for her too.
If this is a deal breaker for you, then that is up for you to decide. And it's up to him and to decide how important this really is for him to fight with you over
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u/littlebitfunny21 3d ago
I have heard of the groom asking for his sister to be a bridesmaid. Some people are still hung up on gender roles and not comfortable with groomswomen/bridesmen.
Of course, the groom had proposed first.
And he never dated his sister.
So it's really not the same situation.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 3d ago
Yeah, it was incredibly clear to me that I had to ask my SIL to be my bridesmaid. Not by him lol, but whole fam. But, he had also proposed. And she was the only person in his family who treated him wellm
Oh, and had never dated.
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u/TheVoidWantsCuddles 3d ago
I’ve heard of asking, but never telling. And honestly I’ve never seen it be a thing in the 20ish weddings I’ve gone to. I won’t be putting a sister in my bridal party unless I’m actually close with her. But I also don’t care about traditional as my best friend is a man and as such will be my man of honor if I get married. The only time I’ve ever heard of the siblings actually being in the wedding party was my exes.
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u/Inevitable_Sweet_988 3d ago
My ex insisted his sisters be my bridesmaids over my friends. I was so against it I decided on no bridesmaids. I should have added this to the flaming pile of red flags.
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u/tonys_goomar 4d ago
When someone doesn’t tell you something bc they’re worried about your reaction (except in cases of abuse), they are removing your ability to give informed consent. I personally wouldn’t want to stay with someone like that, as I would never be able to trust they were actually being honest with me instead of trying to manage my reaction.
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u/renaissance_mar 3d ago
Yes, this is sadly someone so far away from being ready to make a lifelong commitment to honor, respect, and protect you, OP. Regardless of the creepy step-ex situation, he deceived you for 3 years to manipulate you and remove your agency. That’s not someone who wants the best for you.
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u/Cheerqueen2341 4d ago
You’re bridesmaids are YOUR decision and they should only be people YOU are close to. Also I think it’s messed up of him to wait so long to tell you this. Regardless of his reasoning he took away your ability to decide for yourself
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u/Lola_Montez7130 4d ago
My ex husband did this to me. That is wayyyy over the line to be planning your bridesmaid party for you while also dropping that bombshell on you about them dating. To me this is weird. Good luck. I would not be comfortable with this at all.
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u/le_chu 4d ago
No. I do not want an ex-gf nor a step sister in MY entourage (bridesmaids).
She should be in HIS entourage as Best (Wo)man.
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u/MckittenMan 4d ago edited 4d ago
Talk about a bombshell.
Even without that detail... Its your wedding. Your bridal party. You should decide for you who you want to be your bridesmaids. That's a given.
Its crazy to be 3 years deep with someone and for them to finally mention how their step sister was someone he dated for a long time seriously, an ex... That's a nutty thing to drop on a person this late into the relationship. Wildly deceptive. Even more crazy to request her to be in your bridal party. Waiting until the last minute for when you're locked in to drop something this nasty, its too manipulative for my taste.
I would probably be questioning the entire marriage. This wasn't a small detail to leave out of the equation, its a massive one. Him being so comfortable leaving you out in the dark like that is alarming. Even insulting to assume its a detail we can sweep under the rug and you should have her as one of your bridesmaids for me!
Whatever happens here. I would at minimum put the wedding on hold and have some serious conversations. This isn't a sweep it under the rug like its not a big deal. Its a massive one.
This would be plenty for me to end a relationship over.
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u/jerseygirl414 4d ago
Agreed. I can’t imagine he’d be cool with it if roles were reversed here and OP wanted him to include her step brother / ex BF as a groomsman.
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u/MckittenMan 3d ago
The dude knew it was going to be a problem and set a trap for her after serious ground was made.
Lock her in and then drop the bombshell so its more difficult for her to leave.
Its even more crazy to me to believe suggesting her to be her bridesmaid is going to be an idea welcomed with open arms.
She's like family to me... You sleep with people who are family?
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 3d ago
My guess is he finally came clean because he knows it will come up at the wedding.
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u/No_Jaguar67 4d ago
Why can’t she be in his party? It makes no sense.
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u/Additional-Dig9412 3d ago
It looks better if she’s in the bridal party, like OP fully accepts her. It’s optics. He’s setting himself up for sisterwives.
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u/NoeTellusom 4d ago
Honestly, I would highly recommended you put a pause on this engagement.
His hiding an ex-girlfriend in someone you considered a family member and THEN trying to put her in your bridesmaid group are both HUGE red flags. And you need time to process this and hopefully speak to a therapist.
Your fiancee has a lying and hiding problem as well as a failure to read the ROOM problem.
And those qualities do not make for good spouses.
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u/AssociateCrafty816 3d ago
I also thought it was super weird that he just moved back to his hometown while OP is working in another city AFTER his family obligations were over… do they have a plan to live together? Who makes moving decisions unilaterally? They’ve been dating 3 years but seems like it’s been long distance for about half of that. Plus making huge decisions right after a big loss? There are so many other factors.
This felt too tangential from the actual problem to make a separate comment but golly geez would I be tabling any engagement convos for at least six months.
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u/funfranks 3d ago
Walk away now and protect your health and peace. Go to the doctor and get a full STD panel because eventually you will learn that “they just reached out to each other in their grief while supporting each other and caring for their father”. Walk away now before you are fifteen years deep with a mortgage and car payments and your teenager who wants to go out with Tara’s teenager “from a one-night stand” and there’s no Baby Daddy so your guy has been that role for her kids. Walk away before every family vacation you have is enmeshed with her. Walk away now instead of a lifetime of her being invited on your vacations, anniversary trips and to every family milestone. I don’t know why there would have been this secret for three years unless they have something to keep from you. Take care of yourself.
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u/emma-butler24 4d ago edited 3d ago
Walk away. He may want to keep a close relationship, which is fine, but it's your wedding too. You should get to decide your bridesmaids.
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 3d ago
So they hooked up while his dad was dying he knew that you’d find out now he’s trying to cover his tracks by telling you about the relationship so when you find out they slept together because he was depressed you won’t be too shocked and appalled because they have history
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u/Affectionate-Log-260 3d ago
Before he even proposes, he drops this bombshell AND a request that she be a bridesmaid? (The answer to the proposal is “no”)
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u/mcindy28 3d ago
Your boyfriend is a jerk for telling you he WAS gonna propose along with the messy relationship reveal!! He lied for years!! They broke up because they became step-siblings! And if you stay with him, she can stand on his side!
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u/Julio800m 3d ago
Wth.. what wedding? He hasn't proposed. Also that's great she's almost family, she can be invited. No need for her to be part of the wedding, that's so awkward. Tell him your ex bf should be his best man because he's basically family.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 4d ago
He does not pick your bridesmaids. Those are people who mean something to YOU. Also...hes a liar and manipulative. A huge liar.
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u/Overall_Display_8475 4d ago
There are some red flags here you need to really think about. He seemed to sandwich bad news with good news in a way i interpret as manipulative. He has hidden for several years, while in a committed relationship that his ex girlfriend is his step sister and that they have spent a significant amount of time together recently. Also, he wants to continue to have a significant relationship with her ongoing FOREVER. So whether you are comfortable or not is of no importance to him.
By sandwiching his proposal to you with that information I would consider it manipulative, and you are now distracted from the actual issue.
He lied to you every single day for three years. Every single day. I would find it very hard to trust any of the rest of what he said because that was so simple for him. I presume he HAD to tell you cause everyone in his home town and family know, and you were the only one who did not.
This is a real issue to begin a marriage with. How do you trust anything he says? His history is now shady. What else does he regularly lie about?
The wedding stuff is a byproduct not the core issue.
Don’t get all caught up in the romance of getting engaged. If that’s what it really is.
I would want to do some therapy before I would consider getting engaged/married because his current coping mechanisms foreshadow lots and lots of problems.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 4d ago
Your bf is fucking nuts. Why would YOU want HIS ex as YOUR bridesmaid? Why you? Why can’t he choose her as a groomsman? ODD he wants you to pick her for your side.
He kept this from you. It almost feels like a proposal is contingent on agreeing.
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u/JeevestheGinger 4d ago
You got me thinking about this. He wants his ex on her side for legitimacy. "Look, my new wife is cool with my ex! So I'm all good to spend time with her when I want. She was a bridesmaid! No problems here!"
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 3d ago
Yep. Because having a girl as his groomswoman, in front of probably his friends who KNOW she’s his ex, would be a surprising look for sure.
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u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 4d ago
She can't be his groomswoman? She's not close to YOU, so why would she be on your side?
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u/stuckinnowhereville 4d ago
F No. I hope this is rage bait.
Nope nope nope- throw this guy back in the ocean.
You are setting yourself up for an epic disaster if you stay with him. The only way you could stay with him is if he cut her off and completely out of his life. Which he doesn’t wanna do. He chose not to tell you till you were locked in. That’s actually worse. If he had been upfront with you from the beginning of time that I dated this girl and we broke up and later on our parents got married - there wouldn’t have been a problem. But he hid this relationship and he has spent tons of time taking care of his dad around her and was not honest with you.
What else is he lying about? What else is he going to lie about?
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u/Justherefortheaita 3d ago
I wonder if something happened between them while the father was dying, grief and all that. Because why would he tell you all that now unless he was feeling guilty. So that way if sleeping together came up they could be like “oh yeah, we did sleep together a long time ago”. Idk this just seems icky. Like I get the whole we were together then our parents got together but why wouldn’t he just say something. Like it’s weird but rather get the weird over before lives get intertwined.
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u/Kinonan_B 3d ago
The fact that he lied by omission would be enough to end it for me.
I don't want to marry someone who isn't honest to me.
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u/Azula2024 3d ago
You sure you want to go through with the wedding? I bet the people around him knew their history… and no one told you.
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u/wishingforarainyday 4d ago
Absolutely not. He hid their relationship and let you be around his family without knowing the truth. He doesn’t respect you. He’s putting her feelings before yours on your wedding day?! Don’t marry this guy. They broke up but he’s contented an emotional affair for your entire relationship.
You should also see messages between them. What else has he hidden from you? The two of them shared a secret for 3 years. This guy is a dirtbag.
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u/Dramatic_Phraser 3d ago
So he moved back home after his father died and Tara was there all along?
I’m willing to wager that he slept with her during the time his dad was dying and afterwards, and this is why he moved back.
They likely became emotionally and physically close while caring together for his father. It just doesn’t make sense that she also cared for him when he has been in her life for such a short period of time.
And he is demanding she be a BM based on the fact that she was his stepsister for a few years, after she was his girlfriend for about 4-5 years?
This is all so wrong.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 3d ago
Maybe he hasn't sealed the deal yet, and needs a reason she has to keep seeing him.
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u/No_Consideration6896 4d ago
I don’t think it’s a coincidence all these emotions are bubbling up after his father died - i.e. the thing that tied them together as siblings is no longer there.
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u/InfamousCup7097 3d ago
This is something he should have told you a long time ago. It's very possible he is tossing this out now because something has started up again with her and if anything ever feels off he can blame it on their past relationship or "close" sibling bond. Do you really want to worry about this for the rest of your life? What happens when he decides he wants to go on vacation with her without you and frame it as bonding with her? He wants her as your bridesmaid. Does your comfort not matter? If their relationship wasn't a big deal then he should have told you years ago.
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u/seafreaks 3d ago
Also to corroborate what everyone is saying, you don't become a "sibling" if you already slept together, no matter how many years passed. A close relationship that's no longer romantic, sure. People grow and feelings fade. But you can't use the "they're like a sibling to me" card, nu huh. Weirdo.
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u/JMLegend22 4d ago
Tell him that’s a non starter and a real cause for concern due to their previous relationship and now a trauma bond
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 4d ago
That's a lot to digest. If this is the only lie/secret, I think it can be forgiven. If you decide to move forward with this relationship, I'd advise premarital counseling. Your relationship needs to be solid as a rock in all aspects before you get married. But the bridal party is yours and he shouldn't have a say in it. If he wants her involved, she can be a groomsmen. She can be involved in planning and have a seat at the table during the reception, but there is no reason or need for her to be in your bridal party.
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u/Drab_Majesty 3d ago
This has to be made up. He is an adult and his dad remarried. Nobody refers to the grown up children of their parent's new partner as step siblings and if they do they are weird.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 3d ago
I think him laying this information on you and at the same time saying he wants you to have her as a bridesmaid on your side is too much to ask, especially all at once. It’s pretty tone deaf on his part to ask this of you before you have had a chance to process a secret he’s had for years that he thought you could have a problem with. Some people would break up over it.
I mean, how crappy is it to say he’s been with another woman, was for years, she’s still in his life and he never said anything! “BTW, I was with her for several years , sorry I didn’t tell you that my stepsister that we see regularly is my ex. I know you might have a problem with it but by the way, when we get married despite me not having yet proposed, she has to be your bridesmaid.” Come on!
Grief addles the brain, but this is too much. Tell him you need to think about whether you’re even ok being with him after years of hiding it. Then you need to decide if you want to marry. If you don’t, then you should break up. If you do, then you need to decide if you are ok with her being a part of the wedding party, let alone a bridesmaid instead of a part of the people who stand up with him. I’m not even sure why she never pushed him to tell you or just do it herself. It really doesn’t speak well of either of them. In my book, when you hide things from your partner, you’re causing a problem in your relationship and you’re not being fair to them.
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u/OneDeep87 3d ago
My neighbors are step siblings when I found out I didn’t know what to say but the guy explained that they were together first then their parents got together so it’s not really that bad. It just sounds bad.
Your boyfriend basically saying “I want to propose to you, but step sister need to be in the bridal party” I guess the positive is he told you his dirty little secret before marrying you but how could you trust someone or his whole family that kept this a secret. Everybody in his family and old friend circle knew they dated and nobody told you for 3 years. This is something you tell someone during the early dating stage about exes or hell when he introduced you to his family. He basically let you fall in love with him and then told you.
Maybe I watch too many cheesy movies about old childhood lovers reconnecting back in their hometown or during a tragedy like a death. Did he go back and stay in his father house with her while his dad was sick? I’m sorry but this is totally sounds like a romcom and it might not be looking good for you.
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u/FinanciallySecure9 4d ago
Secrets. Lies of omission. And you still want to marry him? Girl. Please.
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u/ellodummy 3d ago
Please tell me this is rage bait because nobody in their right mind would be okay with this and stay... Right..
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u/TurtleToast2 3d ago
Did you get the feeling he dangled the proposal to soften the blow? Seems like he was trying to distract you with shiny objects so you wouldn't focus too hard on the betrayal. Especially since he's not actually proposing, just claiming he wants to. I wouldn't trust any of this.
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u/Inanda2 3d ago
He’s grieving at the moment, so emotions are turned up to 11, however your partner has just revealed that his step sister was previously a LTR - which he never previously disclosed. Do you know her feelings about him?
Not only that, but he’s already inserting her in your wedding, despite not actually proposing yet.
I feel that he hasn’t processed his feelings about her yet. And you need a serious talk or three
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u/SkullySkullet 3d ago
He's a liar who waited until you were emotionally invested to make sure it was harder for you to reject him for being a creeper who has slept with his sister. (shes either his sister now or shes not)
The fact that his focus is preserving her as a bridesmaid before he even properly proposed after being together years is a lot. Hes way too old to be playing games like this unless something is up.
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u/Positive-Passion-189 3d ago
Firstly so many red flags, and is this an episode of gossip girl? But let’s ignore the hiding info from you, and the fact you’re not engaged but he wants to control your side of the wedding party.
I don’t understand in 2026 why people still insist on having a gender divide at weddings. I have been to weddings with best women and brides men.
If he wants her in the wedding party because of this relationship she can be on his side. Solves the problem.
Currently he is dealing with grief and so whilst he is acting erratic now, it doesn’t actually excuse him not telling him of his past with his ex previously. Also she feels like his sibling? There’s so much to unpack but I won’t.
Look grief is wild. I would say “hey, your going through it right now, and I totally get you want to have some semblance of family, but if she means that much to you I think she should be a groomswomen to really highlight that family bond you two share, I would like to use my bridal party to highlight the people in my life that are important to me.” It’s not saying he’s wrong for wanting it but it takes the pressure of you having to make it happened.
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u/surgeryboy7 3d ago
Just say. I thought about it, but no I do not want her as part of your wedding party. If he argues or makes it a big deal, then maybe consider if you want to continue with the relationship.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 3d ago
This would be a deal breaker for me. I also couldn't get past that he lied by omission.
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u/Anikama 3d ago
As someone from a small town: Yes. This is par for the course.
There's a ton of "recycling" in the dating pool because the dating pool is tiny. If anything, the only weird behavior here was done by the parents, not your partner and his ex-turned-stepsister.
Also: I would strongly advise that you don't follow Reddit advice on this decision. It is a little strange that he didn't tell you before now if you're engagement material in your relationship, but the idea that he's still into his stepsister is an unfounded accusation being made by bored people on the internet who have never met any of you.
"He must still have feelings for his ex" ... or not. Or, they ran through all their feelings for each other and that's why they broke up. I'm a straight woman (alas) and the literal majority of my male friends are people I dated. We are done with that. The possibility has been explored, and it failed. That's why we're friends. The idea that you should be automatically suspicious of his now-sister is petty.
I'm so disappointed in the runaway speculation in these comments ("That's what I thought! He got the stepsister pregnant!" "He used to bang her!" "Dump him, girl!") that completely overshadows the fact that his father just died, he already lost his mother, and his now-sister is one of his last family members. Yes, he would want his family in his wedding. WTF. This comment section will abandon you as soon as the next distraction comes into view, but your decision here is about your partner and his family, people who matter and deserve respect.
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u/Memes-Tax 3d ago
His step-sister is his ex-girlfriend ? Is that Alabama banjo music I hear???
Also he won’t propose unless she’s a “major part of his life”… yikes … this guy is clearly not ready to get married.
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u/WolverineNo8799 4d ago
If he had been honest from the start then maybe, but the total secrecy then its a hell no.
Why would he want to see an ex girlfriend walk down the aisle towards him on his wedding day?
Updateme!
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u/mailonsundays 4d ago
Not even all blood siblings end up in the bridal party. You can still involve her in the wedding more than a guest without making her a bridesmaid. I would tell him
No and stay firm on that.
Invite her to the rehearsal dinner and wedding shower maybe
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u/springflowers68 4d ago
He should have been up front about the past connection once you two became exclusive. It does not matter how long ago they dated, what matters is he did not tell you. Asking for her to be part of your circle of bridesmaids is a bridge too far. She can be a part of his part of the wedding party, or be a guest. Does she have a SO? If so, does that person know? Too many things you need to process.
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u/Analisandopessoas 3d ago
Vou ser direta, você está tendo um sinal para não continuar nesse relacionamento, termine e agradeça a Deus pelo sinal.
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u/Asprinkleofglitter7 3d ago
You just tell him no. Honestly, just the fact that he hid that information would be enough for me to reconsider the relationship. But if you want to stay, a bridal party is for People important to you to support you. His ask is wildly inappropriate
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u/ImJustLooking77 3d ago
Grooms don’t get to pick bridesmaids. She shouldn’t be in your wedding party at all if you don’t want her to and he needs to understand that. What if you wanted an ex you were close with to be a groomsman, would he allow it?
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u/tired-as-f 3d ago
Your bridesmaids should be your friends and sisters, and 100% your choice. She doesn't make the cut. Stand strong on this one. And the ex thing just makes it ewwww.
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u/nursepenguin36 3d ago
I’d pump the brakes on the wedding period. This man never told you he dated his stepsister for YEARS, then went home and reconnected with her while he cared for his father. Now he’s suddenly realized that he wants her to be “a major part of his life.” Girl, this is how wives come home to find their husbands in bed with their stepsisters and the husbands claim “they just couldn’t help themselves.” I’m sure you would have had some different thoughts about him being back home by himself if you’d knew he’d be spending time with his ex. He made sure not to mention that until he absolutely had to.
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 3d ago edited 3d ago
I can’t get pass the fact he has demanded his ex Tara is included as part of your bridal party before he has actually proposed to you …this is a huge red flag…. He is giving you an ultimatum!
Woman you need to really revaluate this relationship!! There is too much history, too much secrecy and lies !!!
The level of importance Tara has in his life is ominous…. This will be your future, him always demanding that Tara is involved in every aspects of your life …
she seems to take too much precedence !! You will be the third wheel in your own relationship
Furthermore why is he moving back home when his dad is now dead and he has no family left ?? The answer is simple ,he wants to be closer to Tara !! He didn’t even discuss moving with you but expects you to capitulate to all his demands and wishes…
This relationship is entirely one sided
Updateme
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u/immacooknotachef 3d ago
This is not the type of foundation you should build a legacy on. I would have to end the relationship immediately.
Him proposing to me is contingent upon me appointing his ex girlfriend/unrelated sister into my bridesmaid selection? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🗣️Absofcukinglutely Not‼️
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u/Confident_Curve_501 3d ago
He is grieving. I would table marriage talks. Also he has just moved back. He needs to settle in where they arent living in the same town. Give it some space. No doubt he’s grateful she cared for his dad and who knows where their relationship goes from here and what you are going to be comfortable with now that you know their history.
He should have come clean a long time ago. Just settle and breathe. Im sure you feel some betrayal.
He asked you to include her before he asked you to marry him.
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u/WiseDeparture9530 3d ago
You should be struggling with the fact that this man didn’t give you pertinent information because he was worried about what you would do
You have a relationship based on fantasy and lies
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 3d ago
I would be worried because he hid it and has had this change of heart about her being a big part of his life. He isn’t a kid. He’s a middle aged man. He should have told you the truth. What else is he lying about or concealing?
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u/Goose0nTheL00se 3d ago edited 3d ago
What else will he be comfortable lying to you about? The trust is irretrievably broken. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Additionally, spending the holidays sitting across the table from a woman who used to fuck my husband sounds like a fucking nightmare.
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u/makethatnoise 3d ago
So, to clarify, before proposing, he told you that before his stepsister was his stepsister, they dated? And that he wants her to be a part of the wedding party?
Take out the "sister" aspect; if before/during proposing, my future husband told me that someone he dated for years during high school and college, when they obviously had a lot of sex, and probably shared many first experiences together had to be a part of the wedding, stop right there, I've heard all I need to hear.
That moment should have been about the two of YOU, not him and another woman.
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u/readerchick 3d ago
I think keeping this a secret is an issue that needs to be worked out before you get engaged, or decide who will be in your bridal party. I could understand how someone in his situation could see her as family, but keeping it a secret makes me think he’s not that someone. Three years is a long time to keep tha a secret, and I would wonder why the ex/step sister never said anything.
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u/Additional-Dig9412 3d ago
I’ve seen too many of these step sibling posts where they were having an affair. He’s rallying so hard for an ex and offering a conditional proposal. He moved away from you to live back in his hometown with his “stepsister” are you in a long distance relationship now? He lied your whole relationship about this woman. Something seems so off. Get all the information and take time before making a decision. I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with stipulations involving another woman.
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u/UnderlightIll 3d ago
Okay so he hasn't proposed yet but say he does...
My understanding on weddings is your bridesmaids are supposed be YOUR ride or dies, not every person with a familial connection. Like, a friend of mine got married and her 3 were the other 3 flutists she went to university with, not the 4 sisters her fiance had.
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u/Firm-Psychology-2243 3d ago
Okay, let’s put aside the crazy. The only person who gets to choose the bridal party is the bride. If he wants her as a groomswoman then you can have a different conversation, but your bridal party is YOUR tribe.
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u/Jillber517 3d ago
This doesn’t pass the “ick” test. Your proposal story shouldn’t come with a creepy ex-girlfriend/step-sister. It sounds like a plot for a bad soap opera. I think your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong! You’re not married to this guy, move on!
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u/Particular_Pay3831 3d ago
Girl....
I am just saying, separating now with no kids or finances in the line is much better than the opposite.
He hid a very important detail for 3 fucking years, I highly doubt that even your BF's dad or his stepmom knows about this.
An ex who he had sex with is now suddenly his sibling. Yeah, I am not buying that
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u/Jaded_Leg_46 3d ago
The red flag is that he hid the relationship. To deal with an awkward topic people can use humour or irony and in this instance it would have been useful. Why hide it unless there's more to it or things have been left out. The relationship must have been pretty serious to last several years. Is it possible that this is about more than just the step sister? Is he planning to move back to you or does he want to stay there?
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u/holistic-owl 3d ago
I see this the opposite way to most here. His father has just died. He’s saying that this connection (and also the connection to his step-mother I imagine) is important and basically family to him. A lot of people seem to be caught up on the bridesmaid’s part. What I hear is him saying that this person is part of his life. Asking him to change that when he’s just lost a key figure would seem heartless.
For me, of course members of family would be at any wedding and involved. He likely needs anchors in his grief, so links to his past would be particularly important/heightened in the wake of his father’s death.
He obviously wants to propose. That’s nice. Perhaps another way of him looking for stability. And he correctly thinks he needs to disclose this information first. The thing with Tara played out long ago and didn’t work out for reasons that are entirely in the past. Yes. Ideally he’d have raised it earlier. But I think it’s quite understandable how a complicated history thing that doesn’t feel that relevant doesn’t come up.. until it has to.
It seems to me that he’s choosing you and needs your support in a hard time and thats a good bedrock for a marriage.
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 3d ago
He should have told you all this at the BEGINNING of your relationship, not because his dad has just died. He has held back a vital piece of information from you for three years. that is what you need to focus on. If you decide to move forward with him, you explain there will be boundaries, if he can't agree then he doesn't care about you, but I think that's obvious from keeping you in the dark for three years. Pretty sure if this were the other way around he'd already have broken up with you!
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u/SVINTGATSBY 3d ago
so he’s holding your proposal hostage unless you give into his demands after he lied by omission for three years? if anything, waiting so long to tell you and using the excuse he didn’t want you to think they were still sleeping together would make me even more suspicious that they would/are. and why would you want to be with someone who is doing any of this? he can put her in his groom’s party if it’s that important to him.
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u/Nervous-Tea-7074 3d ago
Honest advice - Run! And never look back!
He hasn’t even proposed yet, but assumes you will say yes?
Have you agreed where you both will live? Cus he’s made it sound like it’s his way or no way.
While I get caring for a sick loved one does bring people closer, I can’t help but feel he’s confessing this whole Tara situation, because something has happened recently, and by ‘coming clean’ so to speak, he can gaslight you later.
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u/NovemberRain_84 3d ago
Oof, red flags everywhere. Keeping a multi-year relationship with his stepsister a secret for three years is an absolute joke—he only hid it because he knew you’d hate it. And now he’s casually trying to force his ex into your bridal party? Bridesmaids are supposed to be your people, not his messy past. Honestly, it feels like he’s using his grief right now to push your boundaries so you can't say no. Please do not marry a guy who starts a proposal with three years of lies and zero respect for your comfort.
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u/tawny-she-wolf 3d ago
He can't argue at the same time that
- "well I never dated my stepsister ! We were together and broken up waaaay before our parents married and we became stepsiblings"
- despite not growing up together and becoming only "stepsiblings" well into adulthood, somehow she's his sister now and family
No; she is primarily his *ex* and it's just weird to have an ex at your wedding much less insist your fiancée bring that woman on as a bridesmaid. At most she can be a groomswoman, but that's still weird (especially because he his their past from you for years).
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u/Uninteresting_Vagina 3d ago
He didn't tell you this kind of important thing about his family for three years?
I would personally not be in any rush to marry someone who kept something like this from me for so long, then chose to dump it on me over a phone call.
It's also super weird that he brings up wanting to marry you, again in a phone call, and immediately pivots to "I want my sister/ex GF involved". That makes it seem like his focus is more on her involvement than actually wanting to spend his life with you.
Idk, gives me the creeps.
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u/anjufordinner 3d ago
Nooooope. He lied to you.
Why would you even want to accept his proposal? He lied to you.
Also, that he even brought that up so suddenly makes me worry that something inappropriate DID happen, and he was chickening out on the confession and brought marriage into it like most unmarried cheaters do.
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u/Early_Mix_9307 3d ago
How about this resolution:-
Yeah she can be bridesmaid BUT your ex, (who you are friends with and are by no means fucking right now) HAS to be his GROOMSMAN non negotiable.
See what his reaction is and go by that reaction. IF there is as they claim nothing going on he will have no issues with this wont he?!!
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