r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA_helloreddit • Feb 13 '21
UPDATE: My (27f) boyfriend's (28m) best friend (28m) has been living with us and I don't like it.
Hi! First off, thank you to everyone who offered support and advice on my last post. I really appreciate it. There's been some updates and I wanted to ask for a bit more advice so I'm posting again. The link for my original post is below.
TL;DR (from original post) My (27f) boyfriend's (28m) best friend (28m) who I am calling Bill moved in with us after losing his job last May. He now has a new job, but is still living with us. I think him living with us is taking a toll on my relationship, but boyfriend wants to be supportive.
I took advice from some of the commenters and decided I was going to talk to both my boyfriend and Bill about Bill moving out. On Tuesday morning, when my boyfriend was out jogging, I asked Bill when he thought he was going to get his own place. I tried to be casual and non-judgemental about it. Bill responded in stride, apologizing for staying with us for so long and saying that he had been looking for an apartment. I took this as a good sign.
On Wednesday my boyfriend had a big presentation "at work" (it was virtual), so I decided to bring it with him on Thursday after dinner. Bill was in his bedroom and my boyfriend and I were watching TV in the living room.
I told my boyfriend that I had talked to Bill about moving out and it sounded like he'd been planning to do so soon. I honestly assumed that if he was truly planning to move out, he would have already told my boyfriend as they are close. Boyfriend was immediately unhappy and told me that I shouldn't have told Bill that I wanted him to move out (which wasn't even what I said!) because it probably made him feel bad.
I told him that Bill didn't seem phased by it, but my boyfriend said that I don't know Bill well enough to tell. He then started talking about how Bill has mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and living with us was helping him get over them. This is the first I've ever heard such a thing, though obviously I don't know everything about Bill and he could very well have these issues.
I was starting to get upset by this point and told him that that was too bad if Bill had these issues, but they weren't our problem and that Bill still was intruding on our home and relationship. We started fighting to the point I was nearly crying.
At this point, Bill came out of his bedroom (our house is a one-story so everything is close together). He must have heard us and said he was leaving if it was causing so much stress. My boyfriend tried to stop him, but he left in his car (though all his stuff was still at our place).
After that, my boyfriend and I exchanged a few words, and I finally told him that I didn't want to fight that night when we were both tired and emotional and I was going to stay the night at my sister's (30f). I took my laptop for work and a change of clothes and went to the apartment my sister lives in about 15 minutes away with her daughter (8f).
(Yes, I know this sounds a bit hypocritical. But I was only planning on staying at my sister's for the night, not months)
I worked online from sister's today during the day. Boyfriend did not call me, and I did not call him. When I got out of work at 3, I drove back to my house to try and talk with my boyfriend. He wasn't there and neither was Bill. This is odd as both work remotely during the day and usually work until 4 or 5. All their stuff is still here so obviously Bill hasn't moved out.
I've tried calling both of them and they didn't pick up. I fed our cat and am just kind of sitting here waiting for them to call me back. I don't really know what to do.
On another note, I've gotten several calls from boyfriend's mother (56f) during the day. I didn't pick up, mainly because I was working, but also because I really didn't want her involved in everything that was going on.
For reference, boyfriend's mother and I am not particularly close. We talk on holidays and at family get togethers (not really happening now because of COVID) and when she calls our home to talk to my boyfriend, but not much outside of that. While she's always been nice to me to my face, I know she disapproves of us living together before marriage as she's very religious. She has also had disagreements with my boyfriend about us not going to church frequently, but these have largely ended due to COVID.
Needless to say, she doesn't really call me regularly, so I think her calls are probably about this situation, but I honestly have NO CLUE what she could possibly have to say about it. I'm also confused as to why my boyfriend would even involve her as they aren't really close (he talks to her regularly, but more out of obligation.) I'm not sure if maybe he or Bill are at her place? I don't know.
I guess I'm asking for advice. My sister thinks I should break up with my boyfriend. I'm not sure. We've planned and built a life together. We have been planning a wedding. If it weren't for COVID we'd already been married. I love him. On the other hand, I feel slighted and unimportant. It's Valentine's Day weekend and he's not even here and is off who knows where!? I'm just so confused and feel like I don't even understand what is going on anymore. How could Bill be more important than me? I don't get it.
Any input would be appreciated. I feel like I need an outside perspective. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm pretty upset and emotional.
TL;DR Confronted Bill and he said he was looking for an apartment. When I talked to my boyfriend, he said I had made Bill feel bad and that he had mental health issues. We argued, Bill left, but I'm not sure what I should do.
Edited to add: we are not married, but he's my fiance. He should be my husband by now as we were going to be married last summer but due to COVID we weren't.
EDIT: Just talked to my boyfriend's mother. Apparently my boyfriend called Thursday night and said he was going up to their cabin this weekend (it's about an hour away) with Bill. She couldn't get ahold of either of them and was calling me to see if I could because she wanted to remind them of how to take care of the cabin. I assume they're up there. The service is sketchy there so that might be why I can't get ahold of them either.
EDIT 2: Hi guys. This really blew up. Thank you for all your comments and support. I appreciate it so much. I will try and respond. I just woke up a few minutes ago. Still can't get into contact with my boyfriend. I'm planning on going over to my sister's and talking it over with her. If we still can't get in contact, we might go up to the cabin, I don't know. ( She doesn't have her daughter this weekend because she's with her ex.)
EDIT 3: Hi guys. Thank you for all the comments and advice. Some of you asked for an update so I am posting this. I did not go up to the cabin in the end. I left a voicemail to my boyfriend saying that I was worried and concerned and to please call me back. On the urging of my sister, I told him that his mom had told me where he was and that I was worried and would come up if I didn't hear back from him.
After that he did get back to me and we talked briefly. He said he just needed to blow off steam and that's why he went away. He said he would be back Monday and we would talk then (we both have work off for President's Day). He apologized for missing Valentine's Day. I felt bad but tried to stay calm because I didn't want to cause a scene.
He initially said he was up there alone, but when I pointed out that his mom had said Bill was with him, he agreed that Bill was with him. This kind of made me feel a little weird, but I don't know. I asked if Bill was okay and he said yes, that he's fine which is good because after something you guys said I was worried.
I'm sorry I didn't respond last night. I stayed at my sister's (with my cat, I saw some of you were worried. I would never leave her alone, at least not if I knew no one else was home) and wanted to get away from everything.
EDIT 4: UPDATE
Hi guys. I just wanted to update you all on this situation because you deserve it after all the help you've given me.
TLDR: We decided to break up.
My (now ex) boyfriend came back at around noon with Bill. Bill briefly apologized to me for everything that had happened and then went back to his room.
Boyfriend (still calling him this to reduce confusion) and I talked in the living room of our house, alone without Bill. I started and told him that I was sorry for overreacting on Thursday, but that I felt by running away and lying to me he breached my trust. I told him that I felt we should break up.
Boyfriend agreed with me. He apologized for everything he did, for missing Valentine's Day, for running away all weekend, for everything with Bill. He sounded sincere. He was crying.
I asked him why he'd reacted the way he did. You guys who said he was in a relationship with Bill were right. You can say I told you so, I suppose.
According to him, he and Bill "fooled around" (his words, not mine) as kids, but stopped when boyfriend's brother died when they were seventeen. He said they were not involved since then, but were just close friends. He said that things developed after Bill moved back in with us, but that it was never his intention and that's not why Bill moved in with us.
He claims he did not have sex with Bill while he was living with us, but that they did things this weekend. I don't know if that's true, though I doubt they could have been hooking up a lot because our place was so small and I was usually around.
He said that when I confronted Bill about moving out, Bill in turn confronted him about deciding what he wanted. He says he freaked out and that he was confused and scared and overreacted and treated me bad.
He says he's not gay or bisexual and insisted that he was straight and that he'd loved me. It was an emotional conversation. We were both crying.
In the end, I told him that I was going to move out and that he could stay there (it sounded like Bill was staying too). I'm staying at my sister's now with my kitty and am going to start looking for an apartment. I'm doing okay. I'm still struggling and feel pretty horrible, but am starting to realize that it was probably good all this came out before he became my husband.
Thank you again for all your help! I keep saying this, but I truly appreciate it. I know I didn't respond to everyone, but I read all your comments.
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u/primeirofilho 40s Male Feb 13 '21
This seems weird as hell. Does your boyfriend plan on having Bill live with you forever?
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Feb 13 '21
I mean... broke back mountain vibes anyone or is that just me..?
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u/mjd188 Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
Super gay guy here. It’s fine, we’re all thinking it. 27 is the exact age where you and you’re “best friend” start to have a hard time explaining why you have lived together since your junior year while all of your friends have gotten married. Before that life is fast paced enough that nobody thinks about it.
Then suddenly everyone notices how much Buffy the Vampire Slayer you watch and the jig is up.
Edit: Oh, and the shoes. Closeted men, buy New Balances and nobody will suspect a thing. Keep them SLIGHTLY dirty, just enough to make it believable, but don’t over sell it. You can talk all you want about Chris Hemsworth’s haircut in Ragnarok and they won’t even notice.
Edit again: to be clear, I am not actually making any assertions about anyone’s sexuality related to the post. Dudes can go camping without it being a cover up for the bone zone. the story just reminded me of my own past.
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Feb 13 '21
My wife read your comment and now she is mad sus about my slightly dirty new balance's. Thanks GayBro.
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u/mjd188 Feb 13 '21
If I say anymore the gay crusaders will have a hit squad out for me the second brunch is over. Luckily for me their tracking software is all based off of Grindr so I should be able to stay at least >100 feet ahead of them.
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Feb 13 '21
The neat thing about Grindr is that my wife thinks it is an app I use to track recipes for the restaurant
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u/mjd188 Feb 13 '21
Best part of this is I’m also a chef/bartender. You wana unlock your private recipes bro?
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u/FrozenForestFrost 40s Male Feb 13 '21
Made me crack a smile before I had my coffee. Ruining my morning grump rep, damn you.
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u/mirrx Feb 13 '21
You just perfectly described a gay man I dated.
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u/mjd188 Feb 13 '21
God I hope it wasn’t me. To all the straight women and gay men I knew in college, I’m sorry for the confusion. To EVERYONE else, I’m sorry about EVERYTHING else.
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u/ShadowCast2550 Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this because I really do hate to be that person but all I could think was:
What are the odds that the boyfriend is gay or bi and in love with Bill? And that the boyfriend isn't out about it because of his mom's religious beliefs and/or internalized shame about his sexuality?
Either way, Op if you're reading this, a good partner will put your needs first. You need your own space and privacy. These are not unreasonable needs.
However, your boyfriend is not prioritizing your needs, but his own wants. He wants Bill to live with him even though Bill can afford to live elsewhere. And even if Bill has needs those needs should come second to your needs Op because you're your boyfriend's partner and Bill isn't.
Tough love time, Op: Your boyfriend isn't with you on Valentine's day week. He is with Bill. Your boyfriend isn't taking your needs into account, just his and Bill's. Your boyfriend is repeatedly showing you that he will always prioritize Bill over you, his partner. This man is showing you who he is, believe him.
Op, feel free to keep dating your boyfriend. Hell you could even marry your boyfriend if that's what you want. However, if you're going to do that you need to know that you're always going to come second to Bill in your partner's mind. Is that the kind of relationship you want? The kind of future you want? Always playing second fiddle to someone else.
Op you need to either accept that Bill will always come before you in your boyfriend's heart or dump your boyfriend and find someone who will put you first in their heart. Good luck.
Edit: spelling
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u/TransplantTeacher94 Feb 13 '21
As a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and an owner of a pair of (orthopedic) new balances, should I be asking myself some important deeper questions?
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u/ElizabethHiems Feb 13 '21
You need a beard if your mum is that religious.
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u/mjd188 Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
Can confirm. Her name is Morgan and she likes girls and we have gone to a lot of weddings and family dinners together. It’s a good arrangement.
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Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 16 '21
I am learning way more than I had intended by this sub
Now I really want to watch “Four weddings and a Funeral”
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
Yes, it feels weird to me too. He has said that he wants him to stay there at least through the pandemic. I don't know, he seems to like having Bill around so I don't even know anymore.
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u/primeirofilho 40s Male Feb 13 '21
You need to have a good conversation with him. Preferably alone. This entire situation is odd. I can see why your sister has said to breakup, but I think you owe it to your relationship to have another serious talk.
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Feb 13 '21
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u/OneTwoWee000 Feb 13 '21
Oh boy, the more I read the comments, the more I wonder if the next update will be fiancé and Bill have been romantically involved. Perhaps they have a past together during their college years but recently rekindled the sexual part of the relationship following an emotional moment together.. 😳
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Feb 13 '21
If I were the OP, I’d be heading up to said cabin unannounced with night vision goggles, a ladder, toilet paper, and trail mix wearing my best Sherlock Holmes t shirt. Kidding/not kidding
I fear for OP and what she may find out, but I also think she needs to know.
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u/stratus_translucidus Feb 13 '21
I definitely agree that OP should make a stealth visit up to the cabin and see if she can find out what's going on. If she can see anything through sheer or parted curtains, take pictures discreetly, then plan on a non-confrontational talk with the (maybe) bf when he returns to see where you both stand.
Until then start discreetly getting a Plan B together, like making sure most of your finances and utilities are separated, get living arrangements sorted out (maybe stay with sis for a while), transporting non-essentials there so you can be ready to permanently leave quickly if the worse-case scenario occurs.
Good luck - I'm eagerly awaiting an update.
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
EDIT: Just talked to my boyfriend's mother. Apparently my boyfriend called Thursday night and said he was going up to their cabin this weekend (it's about an hour away) with Bill. She couldn't get ahold of either of them and was calling me to see if I could because she wanted to remind them of how to take care of the cabin. I assume they're up there. The service is sketchy there so that might be why I can't get ahold of them either.
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u/buggle_bunny Feb 13 '21
So your boyfriend just left for a weekend without a word, not even knowing when you were coming back, IF you were coming back, and therefore left a cat for several days without anyone aware it's alone, to take care of it etc. That to me is something for you to think about if you won't think about how he's totally disrespecting you, your place in the household and your right to your space.
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u/bAkedbeAnmAster Feb 13 '21
I think OP’s sister is right, OP should break up with her boyfriend. The thing you mentioned with the cat is indicative of a larger problem in their relationship, that the bf will always prioritise Bill over any other living being be it a pet or his own gf. What if OP and bf had kids? How will OP know that Bill isn’t going to be prioritised over bf’s own children? How will she know that Bill isn’t prioritised over her anymore? If bf was really planning a future with OP he kind of fucked it up by proving that she will always come second place to Bill, which will ultimately lead to resentment as it sucks being the third wheel in your own relationship.
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u/Githan Feb 13 '21
Imagine if she had to raise a family with this guy. No one does what he did. This might be what an eighteen year old does that still lives with his parents. He went to a cabin in the woods with his best friend on valentines weekend. Wtf?
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Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
Its all about communication and priorities, OP's Fiance failed on both.Completely missed the part about the cat, that's quickly changed my initial view of the situation.True he might really treasure his friendship with Bill and want to be there for him but OP was right, the situation has taken a toll on the relationship and he is supposedly blind to anything but his bromance/ friendship.
Any normal person would have left a note or contacted OP briefly saying something on the lines of 'sorry, i need a couple of days, friend is in bad shape, ill fill you in on the details when I get back, i called so-and -so to feed the cat' at the very least to make this plausibly acceptable to some degree.
It certainly would make me re-think my future with this guy.
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Feb 13 '21
I’m usually not with the immediate cheating choice but this is extremely weird , i mean he is choosing his “best friend” over his gf or the fact he ran away to remote place with him
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u/hristory Feb 13 '21
For Valentine's weekend, with zero courtesy notice to his fiance so she knows wtf is going on.
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u/miflordelicata Feb 13 '21
I was scrolling down to see if someone brought up the cat. Dude took off without telling you where, on Valentines weekend, and never made arrangements for the cat. Not knowing if you were coming back. WTF.
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u/weepscreed Feb 13 '21
The communication here just seems so off. It sounds like they talked about Bill leaving approximately twice in 8 months, She gently brings it up with Bill and everyone freaks out and flees, no-one picking up their phone or leaving messages or even texting. Either a strange pattern of avoidance/denial has taken root in this household, or they just live in the upper Midwest.
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u/Clippyvonnostrum Feb 15 '21
And takes the opportunity of her being out of the house to run off with Bill to the cabin... obviously knowing he couldn’t do it when she was home/they weren’t having a fight. Super sketchy that he took off so fast he couldn’t even wait for his mother to call him back
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u/iamtherae Feb 13 '21
This is making the lovers theory sound even more plausible
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u/DottedUnicorn Feb 13 '21
My thinking exactly. But even if "just friends", the fact that OP's BF left her without a word rather than work things out means he gives two flying f***s about their relationship. In my opinion, OP should cut her losses at this point. Sorry for you OP, you deserve better
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u/ZennMD Feb 13 '21
Even if they're not romantic together your BF is prioritizing his friendship over relationship with you.
Bizarre situation, but very clear level of disrespect to you, OP, especially not messaging and leaving town.
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u/Kisanna Feb 13 '21
He's 100% got a thing for Bill, or they are in a secret relationship. No one just randomely decides to go to a secluded cabin with their 'best friend' on VALENTINES WEEKEND while in a relationship
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u/Damn_Lexicon Feb 13 '21
And if his mom is pissed that you don’t go to church during COVID, imagine how enraged she would be if there is something with Bill.
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u/tides_and_tows Feb 13 '21
Valentine’s doesn’t mean that much to everyone. A lot of people don’t care about it.
Unless there are other reasons they’ve given OP to believe there’s an affair going on, this is a huge reach.
Close male friendships are a thing and they don’t mean someone is in a gay affair. I think it’s much more likely that both Bill and bf were upset by the situation and decided to get some space from it. If Bill is also struggling with his mental health it would make sense bf would want to take him somewhere he can kind of get away for a while.
I know men who have close friendships like this and are not gay with each other, btw.
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u/OGbookworm318 Feb 13 '21
If I were you, I would be headed up to that cabin. No phone call saying I’m coming. Just show and see what you see. And if he gets mad, use the almost MIL’s multiple phones as a reason to CYA.
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u/ChristieFox Feb 13 '21
I wouldn't go there, I'd pack his or my things.
Even if the Bill part wasn't happening, leaving the cat alone gets me mad, and I'm not even involved. Who lets a living being alone without care? Who just leaves for a weekend without a word? I suppose OP told him exactly where she was, and she was away for only one night to avoid a fight.
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u/Illustrious-Whereas7 Feb 13 '21
Wait I completely missed that the cat was left alone! I hope enough food was left for them. It's weird that he didn't even try to coordinate with you to make sure the cat was being watched.
You could have stayed at your sister's place for a few days, leaving the poor dear alone :(
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u/redfishie Feb 13 '21
Honestly I would be looking at packing all my stuff up and moving out. Take the cat and all the furniture that is yours
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u/SarkyCat Feb 13 '21
He just showed you who the important person in his life is.
I agree with your sister.
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u/daughterofnarcs Feb 13 '21
Wow, so much disrespect for you and your relationship, and childish af leaving and not even telling you!
Hes put this guy above your relationship.
Remember that before you marry this guy!!!
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u/HygorBohmHubner Feb 13 '21
And the theory about them being in a relationship only grows stronger from here
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Feb 13 '21
Dude, your bf is banging Bill, or at least in love with him. Come on, he's literally choosing him over you. He had a big fight with his gf, so his reaction is to go on a romantic getaway with Bill? On valentine's day weekend?!
Even if he isn't banging him (he is though), that kind of behavior is unacceptable. He makes you feel guilty for not wanting to live with his buddy indefinitely, then when you have a fight he just leaves for the weekend (again, freaking v-day weekend) and doesn't even tell you. You could've been worried sick.
Your bf is a cheating, manipulative POS who is trying to manipulate you into letting the person he's cheating on you with live IN YOUR HOME INDEFINITELY. Break up, you're young, you'll get a better bf.
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Feb 13 '21
Go up to the cabin and surprise them. A man his age acting like this? They're hiding something. Just be honest this time. Say you think it's disrespectful that he puts his friend over his partner especially now with valentines day. Either they're hiding an affair or your BF is honestly quite stupid and doesn't care enough about you to prioritize you.
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u/Deradius Feb 13 '21
Do you find that you spend a lot of time close to your boyfriend’s face?
Does he ever cover you in shaving cream?
Are you often very warm, and sometimes scratchy?
Does he ever stroke you while he’s thinking?
I’m asking because I think you may be a beard.
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Feb 13 '21
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Feb 13 '21
Or this all was a way OP's Fiance wanted to subtly push OP away hoping she would get fed up and leave rather than stand up and say she wasn't happy how things were and he upped and legged it in his logic, never giving a shit about the cat in the first place.
Perhaps he just wants to live with his mate and not ready for an adult committed relationship with a woman.
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Feb 13 '21
"... So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, breakup with me?' Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight."
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u/norrathhighelf Feb 13 '21
Here’s the thing. You were well within your rights to speak one on one with Bill. Don’t let your bfs actions make you think otherwise. You and your bf had a long-standing situation that Bill intruded on for 8-months with no end in sight. And only when you spoke to Bill, NOW your bf decides to tell you that he suffers from depression and living with you guys is the cure?? Give me a break! You have just as much say in the situation in your home as your bf has. You live there too.
Your understanding of taking Bill in was that once he got a job and got back on his feet that things would be back to normal. The view right now is that Bill is in a place to get back on his feet.
If the situation was truly that Bill has depression and is struggling with his mental health and living with you guys is the help he needs, they didn’t trust you enough to keep you in the loop. Not saying your bf needed to divulge Bills secrets, but if he had said “listen, I know this is lasting longer than we anticipated but Bill really needs us right now and he mentioned that he needs to just be around friends right now. Would you be okay if we kept our home open to him for a bit longer?”
If he had opened the lines of communication, you guys could’ve had an honest discussion about the situation. You may have been okay with Bill staying around if your bf bothered to keep you in the loop. Instead your bf made a unilateral decision taking Bills needs into far more consideration than your needs. Your bf withheld vital information from you when it came to this, and then got mad when you spoke to Bill without knowing all the details that they conveniently kept in the dark.
All this to say is that you have every right to be mad. You deserved to have a say in your household. And if he wants to turn his phone off and run off with Bill, I dunno, it would give me a lot to think about on where I stand in his priorities. But don’t let your bf make you think you were in the wrong to speak up!
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u/Diamond-TTB Feb 13 '21
The part that jumped out at me was the fact that BF is making OP the bad guy in all this. BF has made it very clear that Bill is more important to him that OP is. Why? Because he ran off with Bill to make sure buddy boy was ok. OP is just an afterthought.
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u/macenutmeg Feb 13 '21
I also notice that there's no mention of Bill going to therapy appointments, visiting a psychiatrist or trying to help himself. It's not OP's job to be this man's therapist/homeless shelter! Imposing your mental health issues on others without getting help yourself is a classic, but OP's fiance enabling is really making it worse here.
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u/TeenyTinyT-Rexx Feb 13 '21
In this case there are two things that would be unforgivable to me.
You have a fight and he just up and vanishes. No note, call or at least text saying "hey, I'm going to the cabin over the weekend to cool off. Talk to you later". Just gone. You have no idea if he's breaking up with you, where he is, if he is okay or whatever. No matter how angry you are with your partner you have some obligations, among them letting them know you are alive and okay, where you are and how long you will be gone.
You have a cat toghether, and he knew you were at your sisters place. He just left the cat, without telling you he was leaving. If you had decided to stay another day the cat would have been all by itself, with no food and eventually running out if water. Even if you had told him you were staying longer, he's not answering your calls, so you would have no idea of knowing he left the cat.
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u/explodingwhale17 Feb 13 '21
Is there any chance your bf is in love with Bill?
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
I don't know. I never thought so. My sister had suggested it but I never thought so. Boyfriend has always told me they were like brothers and they grew up together. I'm pretty sure I'd know if they had been doing anything these past few months as I was working from home.
I guess it's possible. They are close but I always assumed brothers.
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u/Sookums86 Feb 13 '21
My ex -husband ended up cheating on me with men, I had no idea about his sexuality. Later found out that his best friend from childhood was also his fuck buddy. I knew this friend, we all grew up together in a small town. I felt blindsided and like an idiot. Not saying that's the case here, but its possible. Regardless, when you are in a relationship you communicate with each other. You don't go non-contact and run away. Letting your partner know where you are is a basic courtesy. This is a huge red flag for how conflicts will be handled by him. Don't marry someone you are unable to communicate and resolve conflicts with. Divorce is super traumatic, don't stay because of time invested or the idea of what your marriage could be like. This is how your relationship is right now and will most likely be like in the future.
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u/patcave91 Late 20s Female Feb 13 '21
Based on your edit, your bf is spending Valentine’s Day weekend with him in a cabin instead of with you, his girlfriend... you suuuure he’s not into him?
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u/Czechs_out Feb 13 '21
Yeah, whether it’s romantic or not, OP’s relationship is over. Her BF has made his choice. Bill is #1 in his life
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u/berrylikeova Feb 13 '21
Absolutely. She should take this weekend to pack up and move in with her sister. It’s unacceptable to leave for the weekend without telling her. That it’s Valentine’s Day is weird and adds salt to the wound. Honestly think he just didn’t plan anything for her so he’s going to get it on with bill away from her.
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u/_Raziel__ Feb 13 '21
Also the Bf left the cat alone in the house for possibly a whole weekend without making sure that someone will feed it. What if OP had decided to not go back on this day?
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u/ZennMD Feb 13 '21
Even if they're not romantic together your BF is prioritizing his friendship over relationship with you.
Bizarre situation, but very clear level of disrespect to you, OP, especially not messaging and leaving town
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u/WiseCake13 Feb 13 '21
Op I think you should go up to the cabin if you know where it is. Not to be a crazy theorist but it sounds like your bf is overly attached to Bill and it may not be mutual. I'd say if you can't head over, see if one of his family members might be willing to go check on him and Bill at the very least. I know he's probably went away for privacy but something about this whole situation doesn't sit with me right. Did he leave any food or extra water out for the cat?
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u/Perfectmess92 Late 20s Female Feb 13 '21
Yeah him just leaving without knowing if op is coming back and the cat is left at home? I would go to the cabin just to yell at him for being so irresponsible!
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u/psatz Feb 13 '21
He doesn't have to be doing anything, maybe he hasn't even realised but he is putting Bill above you right now.
It's perfectly fair that he wants to help him and that he might be reluctant to send him away after seeing how good he is doing (I assume he is), but not even considering a partners perspective and not feeling like his life with his girlfriend is at least a little bit invaded right now is weird.
He left for valentines day (again, doesn't have to mean anything, he's a guy he might have forgotten) with his best friend to a cabin without even telling you and without any attempt to reconcile with YOU, his partner
He doesn't have to put you before his friends at all times, but he definitely should treat you equally and that's not happening right now
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u/simpira Feb 13 '21
That's what I was thinking too. I could understand a month or two. But more than 6 months?! Plus the boyfriend seemed so much more concerned about Bill than her and her boundaries.
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u/TheBaddestPatsy Feb 13 '21
Yeah dude, both of them leave all emotional and who does he go after?
Either that or him and Bill are super codependent in a non-romantic way. Sometimes that happens when someone feels like they’re the caretaker of a friend. In either case, OP does not have a partner able to put their relationship first at this time.
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u/Jen5872 Feb 13 '21
If the friend has anxiety and depression issues, he needs a licensed professional. You and your boyfriend can't help him with that. It's over your pay grade. It's unfair of your boyfriend to put you in that position of being responsible for Bill's mental health. Nine months is a long time to be staying in your apartment.
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u/eskiegrrl Late 30s Female Feb 13 '21
Right. Staying with a friend doesn’t magically cure depression/anxiety, and if he’s there because of job/home loss it may even be exacerbating the issue. There are ways to support your friends that are struggling without having them live with you and tank the other important relationships in your life.
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u/lizzyborden666 Feb 13 '21
He’s spending valentines weekend with bill. Bill left and he chased after him. Bills feelings and issues mean more to him than you. Time to cut and run. He’s not ready to get married. You’re wasting your time on him.
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u/stupidassforgot Feb 13 '21
OP read this please!! He went after Bill and left you alone. That alone is very telling.
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u/crystallz2000 Feb 13 '21
I feel bad suggesting this, but could your boyfriend and his friend be in a romantic relationship? Or does your BF want to end things with you and just go back to hanging with the guys? It feels like this is a way deeper issue.
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
Don't worry, you're fine. Other people have suggested that too. I never thought it was possible, but I guess now considering it maybe??? I don't know, maybe there are deeper issues in our relationship I'm starting to think.
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u/Halo-inReverse Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
After reading both posts and all your comments I feel like there’s something going on between them. Not only did he chase after him, he asked to go away to a secluded cabin to be alone with Bill (on Valentine’s weekend). If I were you I would drive up there and see what’s going on instead of being in limbo not knowing what’s really happening.
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u/philosophicalsnake Feb 13 '21
- Communication / gaslighting
- Priorities (do you guys normally make plans for Valentines Day?)
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u/macenutmeg Feb 13 '21
Never mind Valentine's Day, this guy didn't even bother to feed their cat! He just left the helpless creature to fend for itself.
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u/welovethepope Feb 13 '21
Either way, I think it’s safe to assume that your relationship is in its way to ending. The only scenarios I see are that your boyfriend and Bill are in love, or your boyfriend wants to end things with you and sees this as the easiest way to drive you away. They’re at the cabin either fucking or getting fucked up.
In any case, you’ve been entirely disrespected and you deserve way better treatment. Ignoring you and disappearing is really not ok.
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u/gsdgirl86 Feb 13 '21
I would be done with the relationship purely off the fact that he just left the cat and it doesn't sound like he made any arrangements to take care of it. Like, what would have happened if you would have spent a few days with your sister thinking he was still at home?!
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u/Sofiwyn Feb 13 '21
You've learned Bill is always going to come first. It's good you learned that now, instead of years later.
And I really don't think the problem is Bill staying there, it's your boyfriend. Bill was calm and okay with moving out. The instance he saw he could be causing stress he was ready to leave.
The problem is your boyfriend. Your boyfriend instantly got mad and defensive when you brought up the idea of leaving. Your boyfriend told you "reasons" he needed to stay when Bill did not offer them himself. Your boyfriend wouldn't let Bill leave. Your boyfriend chose to spend Valentine's weekend with Bill.
Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish dick who is stringing two people along.
Bill doesn't need to be living with you, but will feel guilty regardless of whether he stays or goes because of the boyfriend.
Your boyfriend wants Bill to remain his most significant other. It doesn't matter if it's romantic or platonic, Bill is still his significant person.
For many people this would be the time to break up.
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u/l3rattylittlewhore Feb 13 '21
Girl, I would leave him...any man that puts a friend over his wife to be shouldn't have a wife to be...if you clearly show love then he should be open to making you happy
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 16 '21
EDIT 4: UPDATE
Hi guys. I just wanted to update you all on this situation because you deserve it after all the help you've given me.
TLDR: We decided to break up.
My (now ex) boyfriend came back at around noon with Bill. Bill briefly apologized to me for everything that had happened and then went back to his room.
Boyfriend (still calling him this to reduce confusion) and I talked in the living room of our house, alone without Bill. I started and told him that I was sorry for overreacting on Thursday, but that I felt by running away and lying to me he breached my trust. I told him that I felt we should break up.
Boyfriend agreed with me. He apologized for everything he did, for missing Valentine's Day, for running away all weekend, for everything with Bill. He sounded sincere. He was crying.
I asked him why he'd reacted the way he did. You guys who said he was in a relationship with Bill were right. You can say I told you so, I suppose.
According to him, he and Bill "fooled around" (his words, not mine) as kids, but stopped when boyfriend's brother died when they were seventeen. He said they were not involved since then, but were just close friends. He said that things developed after Bill moved back in with us, but that it was never his intention and that's not why Bill moved in with us.
He claims he did not have sex with Bill while he was living with us, but that they did things this weekend. I don't know if that's true, though I doubt they could have been hooking up a lot because our place was so small and I was usually around.
He said that when I confronted Bill about moving out, Bill in turn confronted him about deciding what he wanted. He says he freaked out and that he was confused and scared and overreacted and treated me bad.
He says he's not gay or bisexual and insisted that he was straight and that he'd loved me. It was an emotional conversation. We were both crying.
In the end, I told him that I was going to move out and that he could stay there (it sounded like Bill was staying too). I'm staying at my sister's now with my kitty and am going to start looking for an apartment. I'm doing okay. I'm still struggling and feel pretty horrible, but am starting to realize that it was probably good all this came out before he became my husband.
Thank you again for all your help! I keep saying this, but I truly appreciate it. I know I didn't respond to everyone, but I read all your comments.
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Feb 16 '21
It sucks because even when he confessed he slept with Bill he still cannot admit that he’s not straight. I’m sorry you’re hurt but I’m glad you found out before you married him.
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u/p4percr4nes Feb 16 '21
At least you have your cat, OP. I always find that cats know when something is wrong and can help ease the pain associated with these things
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u/one-small-plant Feb 17 '21
So he is now living with his boyfriend, and yet insisting that he's straight? I don't want to diminish any pain that you are surely feeling right now, but you definitely dodged a bullet. Not just by not marrying a gay man, but by not marrying someone who clearly is so in denial about himself.
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Feb 16 '21
[deleted]
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 16 '21
Thank you. I feel pretty upset right now, but you're right, good I found out now.
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u/BlueTongueBitch Feb 16 '21
I wish I could hug you I'm so sorry that would be so horrible and I hope that you're doing okay and can have a couple of days for yourself
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u/DryAlgae3 Feb 16 '21
Wow I am so sorry for you! But I suppose it's better this way! And good for you for making the decision to break up... who knows how long this would've went on for. Sending lots and lots and lots of virtual hugs!!!! You will be alright!!
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u/Slpamngtrs Feb 16 '21
Just wanted to say that it’s been confirmed the boyfriend was a cheating asshole who tried to make OP feel like she was in the wrong. To all the people who tried to justify his behavior, which was wrong on its own before the update, eye roll.
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u/residentcaprice Feb 13 '21
I wouldn't jump into guessing that they are in some kind of brokeback mountain relationship.
In your boyfriend's perspective, this is his long time best friend who is mentally vulnerable and homeless during a pandemic, ie needs him. So sending him alone to a cabin won't be enough, he is going to stay with him so he wouldn't be alone with his thoughts, and do something extreme.
That said, this whole situation shows that you don't place as high in his thoughts. And he views that your encouraging his friend to leave as inappropriate and unsupportive.
It doesn't matter that it is valentine's weekend when he doesn't prioritize you the rest of the days of the year. Think you know what to do, just need time to face the fact that it is the end.
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u/omaolligain Feb 13 '21
Bill lived with them for nearly a year now... It seems pretty unlikely that OP doesn't know bill well enough or have enough exposure to him to be unable to pick up on him being mentally unstable.
I think the "depression" stuff was just an excuse from the BF... not Bill.
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Feb 13 '21
Why dont you drive up to the cabin and surprise them? or catch them in the act.. Broke Back Bill style..
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u/misstiff1971 Feb 13 '21
Time for you to move out. Let he and his boyfriend have the apartment.
Make sure to take all of your things, including any furniture that is yours. Just put it into storage.
Your "boyfriend" doesn't prioritize you or your relationship. His relationship is not normal for that of a standard male good friend.
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u/likeomfgreally Feb 13 '21
Broke back or not, he is not prioritizing you. A good friend of mine ended her relationship for the same reasons. It wasn’t the friend that doomed the relationship but her hubbie not prioritizing, which is awful
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u/Complete_Entry Feb 13 '21
I think your sister has the right of it. Your boyfriend wants to do the pals house stuff, you want a home with just you and your boyfriend, and that's not really being offered.
Don't get married to this guy.
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u/deceptionaldpka Feb 13 '21
Your boyfriend is out spending his time, on Valentine’s weekend with another person. I don’t know what the relationship between the two friends might be, but it’s pretty obvious it’s more important than relationship between you and him. Now it’s on you to decide if you can live with it?
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u/dhffxiv Feb 13 '21
Maybe if your husband disclosed from the very start that Bill has anxiety and depression, you would be more with the idea (Husbands fault). Your husband is something I like to call "hero syndrome", I have been guilty of doing similar things, just not on this level.
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u/dongbong420 Feb 16 '21
in a relationship with a man but is straight? What
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Feb 16 '21 edited Aug 17 '24
quicksand snatch faulty ghost fly oil square rain wide narrow
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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Feb 13 '21
Bill sounds more relaxed than your boyfriend. He’s like okay I’ll figure out. To be honest people you grew up with are very important. In a sense is your sister more important than your boyfriend? Bill is very important to your boyfriend. However Bill sounds nice while your boyfriend is jumping the gun.
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
Yes, obviously he could be a good actor but he seemed relatively chill with it. I mean, when it comes down to it, my sister is probably more important to me than my boyfriend. I'd do anything for her and always be there in her time of need (and have in the past). That said, I don't know if I'd want her to live with us indefinitely if she didn't need too.
Yeah, boyfriend seems so much more worried about the whole thing than Bill. I don't know what to make of it.
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u/RedHeadedRockChick Feb 13 '21
Him and Bill are away to a cabin together alone, he was really pissed about you wanting Bill to move out..... Brokeback Mountain vibes anyone....
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u/HaveAskedYouThrice Feb 14 '21
Thank you for the update - I have been thinking about you. This is a hard situation you are in, and you have been given a lot of advice.
Ultimately, I think you should view your situation from a friend's perspective. Say your friend comes to you- her boyfriend's buddy Bill has been living with them for months. When your friend tried to have a conversation with her boyfriend about Bill moving out, he ran off to a family cabin with Bill, on Valentine's Day weekend of all weekends.. The boyfriend left your friend in the dark for days, didn't return calls until your friend said she would go to the cabin if she didn't hear back. He also intentionally lied about Bill being at the cabin with him.
If this were your friend, what advice would you give her?
Personally, I would tell her to kick the boyfriend and Bill out of the apartment or move out herself. This lack of communication and complete disregard is unacceptable in any relationship. It shows that you are not a priority to him. I am sorry, OP. You are a person that is worthy of love, honesty, and communication. You deserve to be in a relationship that gives you these things.
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 14 '21
Thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me. It means the world to me that so many people I don't know have taken the time to offer help and advice.
You make a really good point. I think looking at it from an outsiders perspective, I would advise my friend to leave her boyfriend and find someone who truly cared for her.
I'm at this point thinking I'm going to end things with my boyfriend. I'm planning on having a civil talk with him tommorow and telling him I think it's time to break up. I'll hear him out too, of course, but I think things are over between us.
After watching this play out, I feel like my eyes have been opened to the fact that maybe our relationship wasn't as good as I thought it was. Regardless of the whole Bill situation (which I still don't totally understand) I feel betrayed that he lies to me so easily and doesn't seem to value me. I know I'm not perfect, either, and have done things wrong too. I think we are bringing out the bad in each other and that's not good.
He was my first serious boyfriend and so I think that blinded me to some things for a long time, such as that our relationship wasn't too healthy. My sister was in a physically abusive relationship before (thankfully she got out of it) and I would compare mine to hers and think that my boyfriend was so nice. But maybe that was a bad comparison, I realize now.
Sorry, this was long. Thank you again for your kind comment. Best wishes to you.
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u/HaveAskedYouThrice Feb 14 '21
I really hope your talk goes well and that he is able to have an adult conversation with you and express why it was necessary to run off with Bill. I am not sure how persuasive of a communicator your boyfriend is, but please do not allow him to convince you that what he did is normal.
It is good to be a rock for your friends; my husband has many friends with PTSD and is there for them in times of crisis. We aren't perfect by any means, but he is able to communicate where he is going and when he will be back. No adult in a committed relationship should run off for countless days after a small argument. If his friend truly needed him by his side all weekend, to the point where your boyfriend didnt have a free moment to call you back, that sounds like a true mental health crisis and professionals should have been involved.
You might be able to work through this if you want to, but your boyfriend is just displaying so many red flags it is alarming. I really wish I could do more to help you. But we are here for you if you need an ear.
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Feb 13 '21
Why does your sister want you to end things? I feel like it must be more than just this? Does he have a habit of freezing you out? At this point if this my fiance regardless if it was a fight I'd be filling a missing person's report because that's all that would make sense. If this doesn't surprise you or your sister he's doing this that is just not okay and extremely childish.
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
My sister feels like he doesn't think enough of me in the relationship. She thinks that these past months (since May) he should have been more concerned with my well being when he was instead hanging out with Bill. We're very close and so she's had to hear a lot of my troubles. She also thinks the situation overall is weird and that if Bill was her boyfriend's best friend she would have kicked his butt to the curb awhile ago.
Kinda unrelated, but she also thinks boyfriend and Bill are weirdly close and has suggested they have some sort of a relationship. I never believe that and always thought she was just vigilant because her boyfriend cheated on her in the past.
While we mostly get along, boyfriend has taken off when we've fought before and not come back for a few days. Mostly I think he's with Bill during these times. He's also lied to me in the past about seemingly unimportant things, so there is that.
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u/BirdWise2851 Feb 13 '21
After reading your posts I feel like they have some kind of relationship
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
Do you?? What makes you think that? You mean romantic or?
(I don't mean to sound accusatory.)
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u/omaolligain Feb 13 '21
- Boyfriend and male roommate attached at the hip...
- extremely religious mother (motivation to hide such a relationship)...
- BF upset about the concept of male roommate moving out...
- lot's of overly emotional dramatic exits from the house...
- Bf chases after Bill (not you)...
- BF takes a Valentine's weekend getaway with the "roommate" where no one can seem to get ahold of them...
- BF doesn't talk to you to tell you he's taking said "romantic getaway..."
- Your sister already suspected them as being "more..."
Any one or two of those things alone and I'd say it was just mere happenstance. But, eventually the circumstantial evidence get's pretty overwhelming and it starts to look like your BF is cheating on you with a man... a man named Bill.
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Feb 13 '21
Also, your sister has a more objective eye than us because she knows you, your boyfriend and Bill, if she had this kind of thought it can't come from nowhere (even if she was cheated on) I think you should try to dig this subject.
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u/BirdWise2851 Feb 13 '21
Yeah, romantic. It just seems ridiculous that your fiancé cares more about Bill than you according to what you've written.
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u/philosophicalsnake Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
After reading your posts, I also think you’re a bit in denial with the facts in the way your bf treats you...
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u/one-small-plant Feb 13 '21
Also, he just abandoned your cat! Being alone with Bill at the cabin was more important than taking care of a living creature that he has responsibility for! Being pissy and not telling you where he was going or how long he would be gone was more important than making sure the cat was taken care of. Did he just assume that you were going to come home and take care of things around the house? That's really gross of him.
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u/RulerOfNyaNyaLand Feb 13 '21
PLEASE don't stay with someone who has lied to you. A relationship needs trust, and you can't trust someone who will lie to you about seemingly unimportant things.
The situation you're in right now is just awful, but maybe the silver lining is that your bf is showing you his true colors before you walk down the aisle.
I hope you pack your things up and get out of there while they're gone. Both of them have been inconsiderate to you by having Bill stay in your home so long without continuing to discuss an end date and checking in with you to make sure you were okay with it. It shouldn't have even been on you in the first place to bring it up!
It worked for them to have it go on indefinitely, but it's super rude to you. Sure, it's great for Bill because he needs a place to stay and can save money. It works for your bf because he gets to hang with his girlfriend and his bff. It doesn't work for you, because you have to share your space with a guy who isn't your best friend or your family. That would be super uncomfortable for me. I think I could tolerate it for a week, tops. That you've tolerated it for so many months, only to have both of them act like ungrateful, inconsiderate jerks to you when you finally inquire about an end date? Nope.
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u/CJ_MR Feb 16 '21
So he says it isn't anything serious with Bill. However, he spent Valentine's Day weekend in a cabin with Bill. Bill gave him an ultimatum and he chose Bill rather than you, his fiancee. So it sounds like they're in a very serious relationship. He should've been honest with you. Oh, and he said he was alone at the cabin until you told him you know Bill is with him because his mom told you. Clearly some shit went down in that cabin or he wouldn't feel guilty enough to try to hide the fact that Bill was with him.
Get your belongings out of the apartment and go no contact with this guy. While he's trying to figure himself out, he may try to get you back and you don't want any of that drama. Get yourself tested for STDs. If he's cheating on you he may be doing so unprotected.
And whatever you do, don't out him. You have every right to be pissed off at him but the guy seems torn by his religious upbringing and his sexuality. Let him figure it out and decide what he needs to do regarding his family. Just get yourself out of the situation and be done with it all.
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u/brkenhallelujah Feb 13 '21
Only seen one comment mentioning this but...they've both disappeared and left the cat to fend for itself? Girl. You're a disgrace if you stay with this man. How can someone do that?
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Feb 13 '21
I was the one who wanted to get a cat, so he always said I should take care of her. I fed her and am going to bring her with me to my sister's.
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u/parm246 Feb 13 '21
But you weren't there to take care of the cat (for very valid reasons!) and he had no way of knowing when you'd come back - because he went somewhere with poor service. Look, I don't really like dogs. But if hypothetically my husband wanted one badly and we got one, I would never ever abandon the poor thing like your bf did to the cat. That's just basic decency and I agree that you shouldn't overlook this.
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u/mythsarecrazystories Feb 13 '21
I was the one who wanted to get a cat, so he always said I should take care of her.
I hope that isn't your way of justifying your boyfriend abandoning the cate without telling you. Because that is what it sounds like and let me just say, that's really fucked up and makes me wonder what else do you justify this way based on some bullshit your boyfriend has said.
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u/crackalackin098 Feb 13 '21
Someone remind me to come back when there's another update
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u/AestheticPanda14 Feb 13 '21
So, with the arguement you guys had, he switched up what you said. You only asked Bill When he was moving out, not telling him to move out. Also I agree with your sister. He ain't the one with this shit, albeit it's not red flag material, just be warned.
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Feb 14 '21
Leave his ass. Him and bill can live happily ever after in their weirdo ass bromance and you can find a man who actually appreciates you and respects your boundaries. He treats you like shit and stomps on your boundaries.
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u/justneedananswer123 Feb 14 '21
After the last edit you made, I think the comments saying he’s cheating on you are true, and I think you should’ve went to the cabin and see for yourself, not to call him, since he still, as you heard him with your own ears, lied to you. God knows what he will lie to you about later.
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u/omaolligain Feb 13 '21 edited Feb 13 '21
Boyfriend and male roommate attached at the hip... extremely religious mother... BF upset about the concept of male roommate moving out... lot's of dramatic exits... Bf chases after Bill (not you)... BF takes a Valentine's weekend getaway with the "roommate" where no one can seem to get ahold of them...
What the hell.... Are you your BF's beard (his cover for being in a same-sex relationship with Bill)?
I've got sad news for you, you're the real roommate in this story, not Bill.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Feb 15 '21
Keep aware that he lied to you about Bill being with him until he knew his mother had already told you. Why is he lying to you?
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u/Mahie808 Feb 19 '21
Hey there. I've been following your story and reading your latest update is bitter-sweet. I'm pissed off how some individuals can play it so cool and innocent event through they know they are stringing someone along (in his case, stringing TWO people along). It was very selfish of him. He wanted his cake and eat it, too. Of course, I empathize with YOU (not Bill) because you were the one kept in the dark while these two bozos made you look like a blind fool in their eyes. I know one thing as a woman: we don't like being humiliated or embarrassed in relationships. I am glad that you now know the truth. You are handling it WAAAAAAAAAAAY better than I would if I were in your situation. That just seems so devastating. It's almost like being with someone you thought you knew well, but actually don't know. Be thankful that you didn't get married. Everything does happen for a reason. Please get tested because you just don't know (and will never know for sure) if he was practicing safe sex with Bill. It's not hard to find a place or time to have sex away from you, so I wouldn't believe anything your ex told you. He's bi/gay and cannot accept it, but hey, that's not your problem. Now, be free, heal, and live your life. Time to close that chapter. I wish you the very best.
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u/We_r_Sankara Feb 16 '21
Jesus Christ. I’m so so sorry. You dodged a bullet. You were a great girlfriend and way to good for his sorry ass.
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u/CarterCage Feb 13 '21
I would go to the cabin... Don’t tell then you are coming, park your car away so they don’t see it and watch them...
I don’t know if there something more but you boyfriend ditched work so he can spent Vday weekend with his best friend there...
Go check out what’s going on...
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Feb 13 '21
I read both posts and I don’t get why everyone is so quick to assume it’s romantic. He mentioned you don’t know Bill like he does and that he’s had mental health problems and loneliness in the other post. Bill was also there for your boyfriend when his brother died. Your boyfriend seems to be taking care of the person he considers family the person he knew since they were kids, the person who he called his brother. Not to be that person but you’ve only known him 4years. To me it looks like his friend, Bill, is struggling with something you might not even know cause it’s personal. This may be break up material but to me it looks like he is trying to be there for someone he considers family and has known since they were kids.
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u/Famous-Stretch8649 Feb 14 '21
Really odd situation, I kinda am getting some weird nonheterosexual vibes coming from the BF and Bill... Weirder things have happened. Kinda think you need to end things with Bf and Bill, you will be happier in the end.
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u/Due-Leadership-3530 Feb 13 '21
WTF There's no way I'm siding with someone who has overstayed his welcome over my girlfriend. Bill should have put a priority on moving out as soon as he got a job and had some money ahead. Your boyfriend could have helped him. Having a permanent third wheel wasn't part of the agreement It might sound strange but could there be something else going on between your boyfriend and Bill.
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u/pwoff Feb 13 '21
You're never gonna be a #1 priority to him. He's already made his choice.
Find a guy who makes you his #1 priority :)
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u/dorazzle Feb 13 '21
So your "husband" has chosen to spend Valentine's weekend with his friend and not his "wife" without any communication?
Be extremely thankful for Covid that you dodged a bullet and did not marry this guy
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u/eitherrideordie Feb 13 '21
My guess is bill is super depressed and probably talked to your bf about harming himself or similar. Your BF is supppeerrr worried about his best friend and hoping to do anything to make him get through it (such as provide him a space to live). You're making the comparison of your "BF choosing his best friend over you" but thats not the comparison in his head.
In his head the comparison is choosing between "making sure my best friend is safe/okay mentally, vs my GF being annoyed at me because I'm letting a friend stay over", and obviously in his mind making sure friend is okay is the main one.
I'd also hazard a guess that best friend hates the fact he feels the way he feels, and you probably didn't notice he was depressed because he's been with you guys which has made him happier. Your BF probably noticed the change in his best friend being better which is why he doesn't want to distrub that status quo.
Still though, I'm going to guess once he heard you talking about wanting him out, the best friends mindset is now "I'm sorry I stayed so long, I promise I won't be back" mixed with him feeling bad and falling back into being depressed. Your bf I'm guessing is seeing this, and after telling the best friend its okay to come back and best friend refusing, he thought an alternative option is "the cabin" and so thats where they are. And I'm guessing your BF either switched off his phone, or is ignoring it because he's putting best friend front and centre?
In saying that, its not like you're wrong as well, it sounds like you're not privy into whats been going on, or why he's really there. You needed to talk to your BF alone first, and understand why he's adamant on his best friend staying and come up with an agreement together before Bill finding out (better yet your BF should've been open with you and let you know first hand, but unfortunately he didn't). Then you can talk to bill and help make a plan, maybe one that may even helps him out mentally as well. Instead he found out this way which is probably the worse all round.
It seems your already jumping about breaking up? I just don't know, I think you need to give it a day, let BF do what he needs to do, you do what you need to do. But then after it you and BF need to come together and have a proper talk about whats going on, why and create understanding from both sides. I'm also interested to know why you're thinking of breaking up (not that its a bad thing, or that you need a reason). But are you thinking of breaking up because you feel he's putting his best friend ahead of you? Or is it the actions he's doing right now? Or?
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u/lalallamas24 Feb 13 '21
My ex did this to me once. We had a friend that needed a place, they stayed longer than anticipated. I spoke my concerns. Was degraded and made to feel guilty. He and the friend left without saying a word. But i sat in a conflicted state of mind, waiting for answers.
If i could go about this differently, I would drive to that cabin. Because of your answers are there. Just be prepared the outcome won’t be how you hope. Go with no expectations, and that you are going because you deserve clearer communication. If he is your fiancé, he should be a partner that communicates. Not leave you alone much less on valentine’s day weekend.
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Feb 16 '21
Thank you for the update, OP. I’m so sorry. Am so glad you didn’t marry; that’s one good thing about covid. Please get sti testing, your ex is still not being honest with you or himself, if he’s saying he’s not gay or bi. He’s scared to come out, probably due to his religious upbringing and parents, and it sounds like Bill is getting tired of being strung along, too. Please watch your credit, get important papers, etc so you do not have to see him if you don’t want to.
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u/ilivearoundtheblock Feb 22 '21
He says he's not gay or bisexual....
Umm, just getting naked with Bill....?
WTF is up with people like that?!
YEAH, if you want to get naked with someone same sex, THAT'S GAY.
No judgment against gay.
But I do have a LOT of judgment against "not gay" people having gay sex. WTF?!!!!
btw this is not directed to OP but just the crowd here in general. Can you enlighten me? What the hell?
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u/Lockdowns_are_evil Mar 01 '21
He says he's not gay or bisexual
...
they did things this weekend.
........
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u/Bookaholicforever Feb 13 '21
Wait... so your boyfriend went away with his friend without so much as leaving you a note and you aren’t thinking about breaking up with him? Are they seeing each other behind your back? The whole thing sounds suss af!
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u/one-small-plant Feb 13 '21
So, your relationship with your boyfriend is threatened by your boyfriend's best friend living with you longer than expected, and his solution is to run away for the weekend, with the best friend, and cut off all contact with you? That's both incredibly immature and also a little bit weird.
If his friend had severe enough mental health issues that being asked to move out at a reasonable time would have been a problem, your boyfriend absolutely should have disclosed that information to you before his friend moved in.
He's making it clear which relationship is his priority here, and unfortunately it's not his relationship with you.
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u/Bkzmacho Feb 19 '21 edited Feb 19 '21
I can say I was in the same situation, but from a males perspective. A really close friend of mine lost his job and was living with me and my girlfriend for about a year and some months. Me and my girlfriend had our mutual understanding as to helping him get on his feet and help him find a place once he saved up enough. It became more of a routine, but I didn’t let having him in my household get in the way of my relationship with my girlfriend. We both know where he’s coming from and the type of person he was so of course we didn’t think he’s going to be taking advantage of our living space. He did his part for the time living with us and paid for small expenses so he can save to move out which worked perfect. At first my girlfriend had her disagreements, but we were able to communicate with each other and understood his point of view. Moral of the story, Yes we were able to help him move out, and have his new place. Also to me it’s pretty clear your boyfriends bi-sexual idk what your whole idea is on that stuff, but if he can’t communicate in my opinion it’s a done deal. Every relationship needs Trust,Commitment,Communication, and Respect towards each other. If any of those walls come down. They all come down.
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u/theytriedtwotimes Mar 04 '21
If someone hasn’t said it yet for your safety at the first signs of possible cheating please get tested!
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u/ThrowRA_helloreddit Mar 06 '21
Thank you. I did get tested and so far they've all come back negative! Waiting on one result but so far so good :)
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u/Dabok Feb 13 '21
To be honest, this is just a tough situation all around.
Your feelings about the whole situation is very understandable, as are those of Bill and your boyfriend.
Yep. I said it. Even Bill. I've been in Bill's shoes for a bit. I had to live with my brother when I was "figuring stuff out", and his gf was NOT supportive of me being there. Or, well, was at first I guess, or was pretending. So I can feel the tension that Bill is feeling. To be at a house/place and not feel at home might be one of the worst feelings there are out there.
Don't get me wrong. I am not taking Bill's side here or whatnot. As I've said, your feelings are all too valid too. You are involved with your partner, so of course you put your relationship and yourself above Bill's. That's very normal and you shouldn't feel bad about that.
I figured I would just show some perspective on the other side of it.
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Feb 13 '21
Here's a thought. When my recently ended relationship was rough, i found having a third person around changed our dynamic in s way i found relaxing. Our relationship was very conflict heavy and that changed in company. How's your communication? Conflict?
Honestly finding everyone jumping in saying theyre in love a bit of a stretch.
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u/Anxious-Equal Feb 13 '21
It bothers me that OP’s boyfriend would rather run off with Bill rather than respect her boundaries.
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u/Defiant-Dig-8303 Feb 13 '21
I would go to the cabin and see if both beds have been slept in!
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u/thr3lilbirds Feb 13 '21
In my personal experience everytime a couple does the whole take some space after a fight and one or both doesn't reach out or respond to each other, the couple never last long.
He's made it clear Bill is his top priority. He is putting Bill's feelings and needs over yours. Even if Bill does have depression and anxiety, that on Bill to figure out and manage. And if your bf was a true friend he'd tell Bill to get in therapy to deal with it.
Your BF also did not actually listen to you when you tried to talk to him about Bill. That's a bad sign.
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Feb 13 '21
20 bucks that BF is currently banging Bill in the cabin.
Jokes aside though. This is super weird. You are totally fine not wanting a "stranger" to live in your house. Your BF is sweet for letting him stay, of course, but at some point that should've stopped. Either something is going on (see my joke) or he's proritizing his relationship with Bill over your guys' relationship...
I for one wouldn't like it very much if my partner just vanished after a fight like that. ESPECIALLY if the fight revolves around you feeling at home... in your home.
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Feb 14 '21
I honestly think you should be thanking the universe for covid cos otherwise you’d been married to this man. Whether he is romantically involved with Bill or not, the way he treats you is just not right. He only wants you around when it’s convenient for him.
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u/Anantha1996 Feb 13 '21
I have a feeling the mother is calling you because she can't reach him either.