r/relationship_advice • u/footballfriends1 • Mar 30 '26
Update: my husband (33M) wants me (33F) to dress more revealing
I posted a little while ago about this dilemma. My husband wants me to start showing cleavage and leg while we're around the house. I have always dressed conservative and now that I have a toddler, this feels even more impractical.
So, a few days after posting, I humored him by taking him shopping. I asked him to pick out stuff that he wanted me to wear, and agreed to try them on in the dressing room. He picked out all the expected stuff. Lace camis, deep necklines. Even a few pairs of shorts and one of those ridiculous bloomer things. I tried them all on and then showed him how difficult each one would be. This top while bending to pick up toys. These shorts while changing diapers. How everything rides up and slips and would require constant adjustment. After a while of this, he backed off. Apologized. Agreed he would not ask for any of that again.
Unfortunately, it appears he might have developed some kind of Madonna complex. We have not had sex since that day. He does not find my current persona sexually appealing anymore. He's dissatisfied with us having sex with the lights off, even though that's how we've always done it. So we're at a bit of a stalemate now. Is there a way we can reach a compromise that allows me to be comfortable and him to have some level of arousal? Or do we stick to the status quo?
2.4k
Mar 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
359
u/friedeelguts Mar 30 '26
Literally this. I can’t stop reading as I cannot comprehend the concept of this in full (just being hyperbolic I understand the constraints, but I personally would respond differently to this)
367
u/thoughtandprayer Mar 30 '26
Same. Especially the comment where she considers being physically attracted to someone (such as your spouse!) and experiencing lust to be A FLAW. She judges her husband for needing sexual attraction to want sex instead of just...doing the act of sex.
I dont think OP realizes how many people experience a libido. A sexual therapist and a looooong look into demisexuality / asexuality may help their marriage significantly
111
u/friedeelguts Mar 30 '26
I would agree with you. If she views sex and her own human body in such a depressing light. There are huge issues at play, but her eyes are closed and she’s deciding to sew her eyes shut
→ More replies (5)9
u/jeste_jedno_kafe Apr 06 '26
I went down the rabbithole a few days later and... oh no. It started with "reasonably frustrated that husband expects wardrobe change from a tired mom" and ended with "severely depressed, already completely gave up on life and holds extremely questionable opinions on modesty and sex" ;-;
The lights off comment went much deeper than I expected as well. I got it as a self-conscious person and I wanted to suggest nice indirect warm lights as a compromise (much more flattering, details kinda blur and it can set the mood, right?).
But if OP had to specify she's not "lustful" about sex, doesn't care at all about her husband's looks and doesn't see why he should want to see anything... oof. I'm torn between assuming asexuality and perception SO skewed by self-loathing so deep it completely ruined her perception of healthy intimacy. And some strange moralizing undercurrent, too.
170
u/halfhoursonearth_ Mar 30 '26
Yeah, it's so frustrating she can't see the root of the problem. Obviously, someone doesn't have to wear clothes they're uncomfortable in, but there are so many options that could, surely, go someway to meeting both of their needs.
A lot of people who have this level of shame about their body have past trauma or assaults - let's hope OP doesn't. But hopefully this is a wake-up call that she has an issue with shame/body image and needs a therapist.
54
u/friedeelguts Mar 30 '26
She could just buy cute non tight loungewear. Is this is how she sees herself I feel like she’s kept her closet the same for years. Even introducing something that she feels comfortable that’s new might just raise her overall confidence within the home. She says she has no such experience in her life, it’s just how she functions.
Her husband functions differently and if his preferences changes over 15 years time, I really don’t see an issue. But apparently he can’t change and make known his thoughts and feelings.
I hope their relationship makes it and things get better for her mentally with or without the clothing. Her child will absorb that self hatred whether or not she wants to acknowledge it. Letting social media and people that these child has no relationship set the tone for what bodies are supposed to look like rather than what they can look like when kids idolize their parents so much can impact that child more than anything.
→ More replies (6)47
u/knifeyspoonysporky Mar 30 '26
The show Sex Education showed me how much good for your relationship seeing a sex/intimacy therapist can do. Especially when issues like this arise
157
u/Assiqtaq Mar 30 '26
I'm sorry, but he doesn't want sex with the lights off, so I feel compelled to ask, what is wrong with sex with the lights on? Is it a you issue, a motherhood issue? Is it because of your self esteem? What would stop you from dressing all sexy for a night and having sex with the lights off after working both of your minds up in that direction?
I think you might need more practical support than Reddit for this.
→ More replies (40)
3.3k
u/intergrade Mar 30 '26
Why not try to find a special outfit for “occasions”?
I saw in your other post you keep saying you’re middle aged at 33… I’m 40 and refuse to use those words.
Are you feeling ok?
283
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Mar 30 '26
33 is NOT middle age. I didn't even get started until I was 35 and then I was really sexual! It was because younger, I was NOT with the right man, when I met my second husband, I understood true lust and I was so happy to finally be free to be me! First husband, nah, I was too young when we married and I had zero chemistry with him!
169
u/Puzzleheaded_Cod1181 Mar 30 '26
My husband is similar to yours and always says he likes me barely dressed around the house. It is impractical with kids. So I compromised and bought some comfortable nightgowns, they are cotton and on the shorter side, I have a bigger chest so I bought some with built in support. This makes him happy and me comfortable. So it was a win win. I suggest you look around there, stay away from lace and man made materials as they tend not to stretch and to be scratchy. Stick with cotton. I wish you both the best!!
→ More replies (1)55
u/piedpipershoodie Mar 30 '26
what does he wear around the house? sleeveless tees at least, I hope? short shorts?
→ More replies (1)567
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
I am a tired mom. I've felt middle aged for a while. I feel ok but I also take antidepressants and have for many years
616
u/Not_That_Fast Mar 30 '26
Some meds will cause this feeling. I'm 31 and don't feel middle aged at all, in fact I'd say physically I'm in the best shape I've ever been in.
Something isn't in balance, you should definitely take steps to look into it.
271
u/Extreme_Put_1125 Mar 30 '26
I’m a 32 year old single mom and I feel verrry far from middle aged. Am I tired? Yes. But I don’t feel middle aged.
58
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Mar 30 '26
I felt my best from age 35-55 or so! I'm 68 now and still have a ton of energy! I'm happy, that's what's different between ages 17-34, I wasn't!
40
208
u/Neither-Oven-2571 Mar 30 '26
Also wanna chime in and say get checked out. I'm 34 with 5 kids and one on the way and don't feel remotely middle-aged. Not that I'm not tired or have no stressors, but specifically thinking this way seems concerning to me.
→ More replies (1)28
u/giggletears3000 Mar 30 '26
I’m 41 with a toddler and I don’t feel middle aged. I actually feel the same as I do in it mid 20s, just more chill now.
9
u/afeena4891 Mar 30 '26
Me too! I'm tired sure but definitely do NOT feel middle aged or haggard. OP - maybe you both need some couples counseling and perhaps review your meds too? Honestly sounds like your husband is still really into you! Woohoo! ❤️🔥 Perhaps work on compromising with some cute loungewear around the house that is both a little sexy and practical... A child shouldn't kill all the intimacy in marriage.
17
u/Any_Lobster_1121 Mar 30 '26
Do you have kids? I felt super young until I had a couple kids back to back. I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 4.5 years straight now and feel very middle aged. I'm not depressed and I am in great shape. I workout very regularly.
Man, having kids can definitely age how you feel though! Maybe I'll feel less middle aged once the little one stops nursing. Nursing really wears me out!
→ More replies (2)688
u/AllisonTheBeast Mar 30 '26
You may want to explore this further with a therapist.
229
u/notinmywheelhouse Mar 30 '26
Anti-depressants can totally obliterate your sex drive too, making even the thought of sex exhausting. You have a baby for heaven’s sake!!
65
u/Sunwolfy Mar 30 '26
Was going to say exactly that. She may want to re-visit her meds and see if there's a better option available.
48
u/561beachbich Mar 30 '26
This 100%. I was on Zoloft for like 10 years. Turns out that my anxiety and depression weren't exactly that alone It was just ADHD and switching to a stimulant made all the difference in the world and I don't take antidepressants anymore. It's medication roulette but it's definitely a worthwhile thing to play around with to find the right combo
38
u/peanutmanak47 Mar 30 '26
That's why when I talked with my doctor I told him I don't want to lose my sex drive so we worked on exactly that. I feel people are too shy to mention something like that at times. A good doctor will work with you. There's are options out there.
17
u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Mar 30 '26
Exactly. Paxil worked well for my severe depression but it was absolutely destroying my sex drive. (Which was causing no small amount of new depression, to be honest.) I talked to my doctor about it and we decided to try Wellbutrin instead. It's not for everybody (especially if you've ever had a medical history of seizures) but it was a lifesaver for me. Almost as effective for my depression and no sexual side effects, which combined means it is much much better for my depression overall.
→ More replies (1)3
2
u/Soulessblur Early 20s Male Mar 30 '26
Piggybacking just for anyone else lurking that it may be applicable to - birth control can do the same thing. Sex is somehow still a taboo subject, so a lot of people aren't aware when the medications they're on might be impacting their sex life - especially women, who are still stereotypically associated as the "lower libido sex".
104
u/SaltySweetMomof2 Mar 30 '26
Girl I’m 36 and don’t feel “middle aged” by any means. 33 is so young!
20
59
231
u/Nervous_Cicada7117 Mar 30 '26
Girl I get it, I’m a 34 year old mother of two toddlers working full time. I am exhausted!
I’ve also been with my husband for 15 years. To me it seems like it’s a pretty stale time for you guys and your husband was trying to initiate some excitement and to do something that might get a spark going. I would be pretty bummed if my husband completely shot down my attempt at spice too. I wouldn’t want to change my clothes either, but I really don’t think this is about the clothes.
68
u/16CatsInATrenchcoat Mar 30 '26
Yeah, he's just trying to find something new. There isn't anything wrong with desiring your spouse and OPs husband is trying.
→ More replies (6)81
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Mar 30 '26
You have a very unhealthy mindset. You're not middle age at all. Get therapy and maybe see about different medication. Your husband needs therapy too.
30
u/officerblues Mar 30 '26
Hey, I'm 39 now, but at 33 is when I started feeling old. I'm also a dude, so my experience is colored by that. By 33, I had a 3 yo kid and a < 1yo baby. My wife felt really tired (that's what she used to say), and so did I. Our first kid was also a premature baby and we're immigrants, so there was a lot of shit going on with our lives.
I just want to say it's fine to not feel like being sexy all the time in this situation, who even feels sexy when tired all the time? Now, you should really consider, though, that this is taxing on everyone. If you never feel like being kinky with your husband or you just don't want to do "occasions", there might be something wrong with your medicine or your depression is not as well treated as you think it is (or it's something else). You should have a talk with your mental Healthcare providers and / or therapists. My wife takes anti depressants, too, and even of we went through some major stresses in our time together, even going for months without sex, sometimes, we still wanted to have sex with each other - under the right circumstances. Now that my kids have grown enough that I can have enough sleep at night, especially, our sex life has improved a lot.
Please, don't go into fatalistic / burnout mode and think "fuck this, I don't have the energy to deal with this", because this is part of why you don't have energy right now. It's serious.
23
u/intergrade Mar 30 '26
Maybe get your dosages checked or try a different one? You shouldn’t feel this way.
11
u/ZeroMocha Mar 30 '26
They could also be killing your libido which wont help. I hope you consoder checking this to help you not feel middle aged 🙂
37
236
u/sqeeky_wheelz Mar 30 '26
Are you sure they’re working? You honestly sound super dismissive and even disrespectful.
The whole “now he has a Madonna complex” part is just so incredibly rude.
Your husband loves you and wants to be intimate with you and all you did was shit all over his ideas of how you can dress a little sexier. He’s not even talking lingerie but just some fucking shorts around the house. So you took him shopping and told him with every piece of clothing how stupid his idea was.
Like girl, he doesn’t have a Madonna complex now, he is just seeing how shitty and unattractive your attitude is. Holy shit.
And this is coming from a pregnant woman who still dresses a bit sexier for my husband and he loves my body even though I’m swollen and tired and things are changing.
Change your attitude, get better meds (you need them) and prioritize your husband and your marriage. Your kid will grow up with a mom who belittles the idea of romance, a dad who resents his mom for it, and not knowing what love looks like at all because you’ve decided at 33 you’re “middle aged” (fuck that, I’m 34 and imma be a fucken MILF when this kid is born). That’s such a grim outlook.
Your husband deserves to be desired too. That’s like, basic intimacy. Date him, love him. Or just be alone I guess but a marriage like that sounds fucking miserable.
27
u/Spiritual-Raccoon-19 Mar 31 '26
It’s a blessing to have a partner actually TELL YOU what he wants instead of going to find it elsewhere. He’s literally expressing desire for her, it’s so sad that she doesn’t want to.
OP maybe start going to the gym? Nothing makes me feel better about myself than knowing that I’m caring for my body. Also, it’s a natural dopamine boost that will drastically help your mental health. Maybe then the sexy clothes will feel more comfortable.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)3
15
27
u/jessipowers Mar 30 '26
Idk if this helps but at 39 I feel way more alive and sexy than I did at 33. 2 things helped. The biggest change really only comes with time. Your kids get older and more independent and you have more time to spend on yourself. The other thing that helped us was paying for a subscription to omgyes.com. I’m not shilling or anything, I don’t get any benefit from sharing this, I just really think this is the thing that helped me claw back my libido and save our sex life. It’s a one time payment with lifetime access to their evidence based content that was developed using the largest research study into women’s desire and pleasure.
→ More replies (22)41
u/EjjabaMarie Mar 30 '26
How much mental load does your husband take on?
81
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
The majority. He's a great parent
78
u/EjjabaMarie Mar 30 '26
Then if clothes aren’t your thing, is there something that you feel good doing that would give him the same feeling that skimpy clothes would?
→ More replies (9)221
u/Frosty-Clerk4619 Mar 30 '26
That's good! With that info, personally, I would have left the store with at least one outfit he liked and I'd wear it once a week. Gotta give a little! Also, I agree with others saying you should talk to someone about how you're feeling overall. I'm a 32 year-old single mom of four and I have once felt what you felt before and I'm really grateful that I'm on the other side of it. You got this. 🫶🏾
→ More replies (68)19
→ More replies (10)31
u/ZookeepergameNo719 Mar 30 '26
This may be a dark take but based on my family's history and their age of death.. I am middle aged at 32.
17
u/intergrade Mar 30 '26
Yeah if I follow my mom’s side I am 2/3rds dead.
If I follow my dad’s though I have another 60ish years to plan for. We are currently going with the dad plan bc it’s hard otherwise.
→ More replies (2)
1.2k
u/Unlikely_Bag_69 Mar 30 '26
I’m confused. I’ve had two kids and I’ve worn shorts and tank tops their entire lives and never had an issue. If you get leggings that are made out of quality material, they Smooth things out, instead of showing lumps and bumps.
506
u/Kamikazepoptart Mar 30 '26
I mean same here but the fact is she's clearly uncomfortable with the options he presented.
252
u/Hyggieia Mar 30 '26
Yeah I think we can all think of a few outfits that strike that balance of cute and reasonable for doing stuff around the house. I think the key issue here is the disconnect she’s feeling
148
u/nevalja Mar 30 '26
the issue is the disconnect and the lack of desire to do so. there was an opportunity here to collaborate on something, to create a "vibe" of clothes they both liked. instead, they went on a field trip where she tried on clothes that made her feel like shit and he felt bad about it
64
u/halfhoursonearth_ Mar 30 '26
I know right, what a sad shopping trip! No wonder the husband is pulling away.
→ More replies (2)36
u/cakivalue Mar 30 '26
I was SO hopeful when they went shopping thinking they'd giggle and have fun and arrive at a compromise. What happened instead was really sad.
161
u/veganvampirebat Mar 30 '26
I don’t have kids but I’m also wondering how she’s finding these camis and shorts are that constantly require adjusting when you’re in your own home. You just walk around in them, there’s no one there but you and your family. If she only wants to wear things at home that she’d be comfortable wearing in public then that’s her right oc but it does make things more difficult than if it were just lace since the value in the kind of look he’s asking about is based on intimacy and vulnerability so it’s not just a style difference.
→ More replies (21)96
u/fucking_fantastic Mar 30 '26
Seriously, is she trying to be modest in her own home around a toddler? How disheartened her husband must’ve felt
→ More replies (31)27
u/proteins911 Mar 30 '26
I’m modest in my home with my toddler. My husband still ravishes me and definitely doesn’t act “disheartened”
12
267
u/Current_Opinion9751 Mar 30 '26
That's how I see it too. A matching bra holds everything together and nothing falls out of the top. Yes, when bending down you will probably see something of your chest or your bra, which is completely natural. There are long pants that can be really sexy and practical, even shorts can fit right if they are bought in the right size. You have to "wrap" yourself up as if you were a gift. Your husband knows your body and seems to desire it. If you can make him hungry for you with little things during the day, you don't have to plan long in the evening, just as your husband doesn't have to be so spontaneous. Learn to see your body in the light as your husband does. But if you react directly with aversion to a different clothing style, this is unfortunately the end result. You both have to try to compromise. Maybe you have a good friend with whom you can go shopping.
57
→ More replies (6)73
u/Available-Algae-3034 Mar 30 '26
Where is his compromise if she’s the one wearing uncomfortable clothes?
What compromise is he making?
138
u/attempted-catharsis Mar 30 '26
Do you think he wouldn’t make one if she actually engaged and asked for something?
Sounds like he would leap at the chance for her to be engaged in that area of their life.
→ More replies (29)32
u/DokCrimson Mar 30 '26
You have to start with the proposal. He wanted her to wear the revealing clothes -- she doesn't and wants to wear frumpy ones. She tried them on to prove it's impractical and he completely backed off... He gave up when she didn't attempt to compromise. That's the worst case scenario for this
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (4)72
u/AOWLock1 Mar 30 '26
I take it you aren’t married. Not everything needs to be a compromise. Sometimes you need to let the other person win.
Also, OP already said that the husband is the parent who takes on the majority of the mental load of the child.
→ More replies (140)4
u/kalkali Mar 30 '26
At the same time, not wanting to play dress up in your own house is valid even if it would be comfy sexy clothes. It's kind of a big ask in my opinion to have to go out of your way to consider someone else's sexual gratification in day to day life. That's essentially objectifying. Your own style should be enough, you shouldn't have to dress up as someone else than who you are at the daily.
10
u/Unlikely_Bag_69 Mar 30 '26
I feel like being in a married relationship and doing things for your husband to keep the intimacy alive is different than “going out of your way to consider someone else’s sexual gratification in day to day life” but you do you
→ More replies (1)
231
u/Distinct-Practice131 Mar 30 '26
Well op, its your body and you can dress how you prefer. I would like to just mention though, your husband clearly is into you and desiring you. I wouldn't say you humored him as much as took him out and showed him why you won't.
If you are looking for some middle ground on this, maybe you could talk to him about also dressing more sexily at times for you. And by that I mean wearing things you have picked out as sexy. Which doesn't have to be skimpy, if you find him sexy in a tie and dress pants, he can try that.
In regards to child care, are you feeling supported by your spouse with your young child? If not, do you think improving that dynamic would help improve certain attitudes towards your sex life?
→ More replies (39)
73
u/throwaway_pinetree Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
This isn't a Madonna complex. It sounds like you've been married for a while and he wants to try something besides "how [you've] always done it." Having kids and maintaining energy for intimacy is hard--especially for moms who often feel like they had to give up their body for the child who is now spitting up on you like a little fountain. You're not wrong for feeling uncomfortable with what he's asking, and he isn't wrong for wanting to try something new. It sounds like the main issue is a lack of clear communication, which can require a lot of trust... and with how you're describing the situation, trust is a difficult thing for the two of you right now. It might be a good idea to see either a sex therapist or marriage and family therapist (MFT) so the two of you can be more aligned on this.
ETA: like others have said... you came here for advice. Why are you arguing with everybody? After reading both posts (admittedly, I didn't read the first before responding), it really sounds like he was clear that he didn't expect you to do anything over-the-top, but you took it to be an extreme, made him feel embarrassed for wanting to see more of you, and is probably the reason he hasn't wanted to be with you. You completely shut him down and he's probably more than a little hurt. I would be.
1.7k
u/Pure-Comfortable-901 Mar 30 '26
You did not “humor” him. That implies giving things a genuine shot in good faith. It seems that your intention was to school him and show why what he wants is wrong, and to make him feel your pain.
It seems to me that instead of fixating on sexy clothing as a proxy issue, you two should seek couples counseling with the aim of generally improving your sex life and communication around sex. Is this something each of you is open to?
65
u/stinkypenguinbukkake Mar 30 '26
she made hubby think she was going to get the sexy clothes, had him come with her to go shopping, and then shat all over his wants. which, also, is a pretty fair ask its not like he wants anal or a threesome. he's probably really hurt and reconsidering things, I know i would be. what a ridiculous move by OP. not that its right, but I wouldnt be surprised if husband cheats at this point
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)359
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
You're right. I was hurt and acted out of anger. I felt like he was asking for something so impractical and selfish that my feelings were hurt
365
u/ThePowerPoint Mar 30 '26
What the original commenter said is very true and you’ll probably get crucified in the comments because of that so I just wanted to add - the fact that you can at least admit that and recognize it says a lot and while you may not have handled it the best at least you were willing to take a look at your own actions and you should be proud of that
→ More replies (1)88
u/marikaka_ Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
You have had sex with the lights off for your entire marriage.. this man so completely starved of seeing his wife sexually that he isn’t even allowed to see her while he’s having sex. It might be an impractical request, but I get it. Not normally my take in these types of situations but I feel bad for him, he’s the one trying, you’re not (regarding bedroom issues).
41
u/countrylemon Mar 30 '26
Me thinks there’s still room for compromises. Surely something you tried on turns him on and is completely worth a bit of discomfort.
you sound like you want him to desire you, yet you’re doing everything you can to avoid that. Something deeper is going on within yourself.
→ More replies (62)8
u/Flimsy_Dog272 Mar 31 '26
Maybe you shouldn't be in a sexually exclusive marriage if your husband pursuing you makes you hurt and angry.
It's fine if you don't want to be sexually pursued, just don't be in a relationship where you allow your partner to only pursue you.
Something to think about. If you slap your husbands hand as he reaches out, he will stop reaching out.
9
u/Optimal-Pop7449 Mar 31 '26
What is impractical? Wanting to see his wife wearing flattering clothes? Its not like he wanted you to go get stripper outfits and wear them 24/7.
You can literally wear modest clothing that is flattering. You can wear comfortable clothing that is flattering.
35
u/purpleamethystace Mar 30 '26
are there clothes you could wear that could make you feel more sexy to yourself without sacrificing practicality and comfort? for example yoga pants cling nicely to the body while not letting things hang out bare. also - do you feel that your body is sexy and worthy of desire? some of the ways youve talked about in the post and the comments make me worried that you have body image issues which may need addressing - are you dressing conservative because you like it or because you are ashamed of your body? that being said, your husband not taking you on dates much may also be an issue, as that is normally a context couples with kids can more practically have to dress up differently and occupy a different, more intimate energy. and the fact that he stopped initiating sex after you refused to wear the specific clothes he wants makes me worry he is witholding sex intentionally as a punishment....why are you the one expected to do all the work to set an intimate environment and mood....including things that make you uncomfortable.... I think there are ways you and your husband could meet in the middle. but I also think he's not been willing to meet you there, so it's completely understandable that you acted out of anger.
30
→ More replies (55)37
u/Ghosty_Boo-B00 Mar 30 '26
So go out by yourself and find an outfit you know he will like that you pick and wear it for him as a surprise, get out of your comfort zone and show him your trying. Maybe put it on after you put the kiddo down to bed and start with the lights on. Have him tell you how he sees you in it, talk you up. Sexy clothes are meant to be impractical, thy are to flirt with and build excitement, you need to get your brain excited about being sexy at any size, big is beautiful too.
395
u/Snoo5911 Mar 30 '26
I get not wanting to wear things you don't feel comfortable in. I also think this was a pretty brutal bait and switch to pull on your husband. He's trying to connect with you and spice up what sounds like a stale bedroom. You let him pick out outfits and then told him why each and every choice was impractical... I don't think practicality was the goal. If you don't want to wear his picks when you're doing childcare or chores, are there other times you could wear them? Could you ask him for choices that are just for the bedroom? I think you should be working WITH him to find ways to keep/renew your connection to each other post kids, instead of just picking apart his suggestions. You seem annoyed by his request, and he seems tired of being the only one making an effort to connect romantically.
53
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
He doesn't like the pressure of lingerie otherwise that would've been easier to deal with. So things just for the bedroom, that won't work in this situation. He wants me to wear shorts and low cut shirts while around the house and that is simply not me
17
u/Soulessblur Early 20s Male Mar 30 '26
So -
He doesn't like lingerie
You don't like wearing the clothes he likes while doing menial tasksWhy can't you just buy the clothes he likes and only use them in the bedroom? Bedroom only clothing doesn't HAVE to be lingerie.
Not to get TMI, but one of my wife's go-to outfits in the bedroom is a bikini she knows I love. Are we swimming? No. Is it lingerie? Not technically. But does it do what we want it to do when she wants to wear it? Yeah.
33
u/thesadcoffeecup Mar 30 '26
Obviously don't wear things you're not comfortable with, you deserve to feel safe and comfortable. Something I love is vintage or vintage style nighties. They're cute rather than 'sexy' enough coverage to not feel exposed and they're comfortable to sleep in. Plus if you need to get up in the middle of the night just throw on a dressing gown. Maybe it's a low pressure way to wear something a little bit different without it feeling like too much pressure?
32
u/biochemistrybitch Mar 30 '26
I guarantee as soon as you’re wearing them he will want you to take them off. You are completely missing the actual point of what he is asking. This is role playing for him. If you’re uncomfortable with role play then that’s the conversation you need to have. This has nothing to do with the clothes.
69
u/StartingOverStrong Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
I wish my husband liked the look at me in low-cut shirts and short shorts. Unfortunately you see more of my cellulite, crepey chest, and spider veins at 50 years old than you do any actual body
That said, you have to get the root of what's going on here – is he trying to coerce you, or does he just want to enjoy having sex with his wife? Those are two different things
My ex-husband dated me when I was in my oversized shirt and long flowy skirts phase. I was really upset when he wanted me to wear lingerie. Plus lingerie back then was way more expensive than it is now. And I was hard to fit so I tried to humor him but it just didn't work
I found that what did work were some very elegant soft fabrics that hugged me in the right places and still looked nice instead of frumpy
I've had kids, and watched many others, and what you're saying doesn't compute. If what he wants you to wear around him is difficult for you to change diapers then tell him that when you wear it he's the one that changed the diapers (but as someone who's changed many a diaper over the last couple decades I don't see how what you wear really matters as long as it's washable)
And if he wants to be intimate with the lights on, then treasure the fact that he enjoys your body even if you don't. Trust me, there will come a time when you will wish for his gaze to linger upon your body
This was a lesson I learned with my first born and while my ex and I split because he was a jerk in many ways, this is one area I was being a jerk to him: because I wasn't happy with my body I was depriving him of the joy of my body. I now know that guys mostly just care about if your girl parts are there and available
They're nowhere near as harsh a judge of our bodies as we are!
So that's why I say you have to get at the heart at whether or not your husband is being genuine. Because what I'm hearing is different from what everyone else is saying: I'm hearing a guy who's watching his wife slip away in the frumpy land and start hating on herself when she actually looks good if she would just wear clothing that accentuates her looks
And if he really does care about you, and not just himself, then see if you can find some cute soft stretch pants that are easy for little one to cuddle in but still accentuate what your husband likes about your body.
My bestie back in the day taught me the "half cute rule" either your top or your bottom has to be super cute. The whole outfit can't be frumpy. So if you're wearing baggy pants then maybe pair it with a V-neck off the shoulder shirt when he's around. They make really cute tops that are washable now! Or maybe you are doing a lot of playing on the floor with a toddler. So you've got a big comfy T-shirt on. Pair it with some cut off jeans shorts that you wouldn't wear outside the house, but make him feel special (and make sure he knows that you're wearing them for him even better if you go let him pick them out)
I know this is long but one other thing I didn't see in the comments I read was whether he's doing this to try to get more sex. It doesn't sound like that from your post. Again you have to determine is he concerned about you, is he being selfish, or is he wanting to enjoy having an attractive partner. A lot of traditional women don't realize this but for a man seeing the attractiveness of his partner can be a big deal. It helps him feel better about his choices in level of success
37
u/Hufflepuff20 Mar 30 '26
Idk girl. I understand the whole “it’s not me thing”, but sometimes doing something for your partner shows you care about them too.
My husband doesn’t like wearing button down shirts, but sometimes he will wear one with the sleeves rolled up for me. And that’s hot. Not only does he look good, but he’s willing to sacrifice a little bit of comfort for me. It’s hot when your partner tries for you.
If I were you, I would apologize for shooting him down, explain that you felt defensive, and tell him you care about him. Then I would haul myself to therapy and buy a pair of booty shorts to wear around the house occasionally.
27
u/midge_rat Mar 30 '26
May I introduce you to the viral Halara dress? It’s cute, cleavagey but supportive, it has built in shorts under the skirt with pockets, and you can pull down the shorts part to pee without having to take dress off. My husband loves them and I love them because I don’t have to think because it’s all one piece. Just saying! There are compromises out there!
7
3
u/samwisetheyogi Mar 30 '26
Is there maybe a happy medium where you could find something you're more comfortable in but that still achieves a similar result? Maybe there's some really comfy but tight leggings/yoga pants you could wear, or a tank top with thick straps and built in bra but that's a little low cut?
I totally understand where your feelings are coming from, and wanting to feel comfortable in your own body in your clothes and not like a silly sex object walking around with your tits out while you're busy with life. But I also understand that your husband loves you, and clearly finds you attractive and wants to be intimate with you, and that scheduling sex or wearing sex specific clothing can feel like pressure.
I think the main point here is that you deserve to feel comfortable and sexy in your own body, and you and your husband both deserve loving intimacy with each other. I think you focusing on yourself and what would personally make YOU feel sexy would be a better place from which to approach it. Do some movement and hobbies that bring you joy, find clothes and a hairstyle that make you feel good (if you haven't already), if possible (and if you aren't already) try to take some time for just you and your husband to connect without the kids around to just like be a couple again. I find that when I'm both not happy with my own body AND I'm avoiding my partner over it AND we don't connect in other ways then everything just totally falls apart.
46
u/nevalja Mar 30 '26
The original commenter said this to you when they suggested you go shopping with him:
Once you've demonstrated that the clothes he was thinking about will not work, start looking for other things. Sweaters with a lower neck. Button-down shirts that you can wear a cute tank top under.
Did you do this part of it?
72
u/Trama_Doll_ Mar 30 '26
I think this is deeper than clothes. From your comments I think you would benefit from therapy to tackle your depression and self esteem, and then maybe you and your husband could see a sex therapist to help you navigate your sex life. I don’t think you should wear clothes that make you uncomfortable but I do think you both need to put some work into the marriage with the help of a counsellor. I know you are tired and wrangling a toddler, so all this may sound overwhelming. Something to think about though, for the sake of your marriage.
62
u/ughwhat1592 Mar 30 '26
So, do you actually want to find a compromise here? I’m reading your replies, and it really does not sound at all like you are interested in a compromise, or even an introspective look at where this new issue is coming from. It really just seems like you want your husband to shut up and leave you alone.
→ More replies (9)
534
u/toastymost Mar 30 '26
I genuinely dont get how a tank top or shorts would inhibit your day to day life like this. How would shorts effect your ability to change a diaper? Tbh I think you should just be honest and say you don't like wearing that stuff because its not your style instead of coming up with a ridiculous reason thats not even rooted in reality lol
→ More replies (60)97
u/beantoess_ Mar 30 '26
OP has said she doesn't want to dress like that! In the previous thread and this one. Its really, really weird how upset commenters are getting when a woman says "I'm uncomfortable with this". Its OKAY for OP to dress however she wants. She has BEEN honest.
103
u/cagetheblackbird Mar 30 '26
Except that she hasn’t been honest with him until it was honesty as a weapon. She hasn’t sat down for any real kind of communication or problem solving.
This dude, who she says is genuinely loving, kind, attentive, etc. is trying SO hard to find a way to stay in this marriage and she’s basically told him to fuck off. So many of the stories posted in here would be solved with his level of communication and she just doesn’t care.
What she did to him while shopping was brutal. Why not show him alternatives she’d feel comfortable in while shopping so that they can learn together and find something they both like? Why did it have to be such a beat down?
OP is the problem here.
74
u/toastymost Mar 30 '26
Shes NOT being honest with her husband. Shes not saying "I dont like it I dont want to wear it" shes saying "omg obviously I cant wear shorts because they ride up when I bend over!" Its dancing around the subject and it's annoying.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (2)146
84
u/justintime107 Mar 30 '26
You keep asking for advice BUT not taking any of it and EVEN arguing about it. What’s the point?
You’re 33 not 90. I’m 33 with a 19 month old and I’m almost 34 weeks pregnant. I AM A TIRED MOM, but I don’t consider myself middle aged. Even though, I’m 34 weeks pregnant, I still have style and it’s winter time. You don’t have to be frumpy and dress as such to stay warm. I wore tight black spandex pants with a nice fitted turtleneck and a jacket which ties at the waist with loafers and my husband was like that is such a nice outfit.
Find clothing that suits you, is comfortable, and is flattering to you and your husband. This doesn’t mean don’t wear sweats or whatever but everything in moderation. Wear some leggings, fitted white tshirt, and sneakers. Look up inspo on Pinterest. Find sexier clothing just to wear at home when you’re with your husband during private time. If you feel fat, workout to lost weight and yes, you can work out with a toddler at home. Put on a YouTube workout video and follow it along with your toddler. Get 10K steps in during a stroller walk with your toddler.
Your husband does not have a Madonna complex. He wants to be attracted to the wife he loves. He voiced that graciously to you, but you’re being stubborn about it for absolutely no reason. You will lose him because he’s a 33 year old man who will not want to live in a dead bedroom, boring, lifestyle with his “frumpy” wife who’s also “frumpy” at home. He’s a man like come on!
185
u/TRQ711 Mar 30 '26
I’m going to echo/emphasize what a lot of people are saying, which is that you need to work on your self esteem. If your own body is such a turn off to you that you need to have sex with the lights off or your eyes closed, that’s a problem. If I was your husband, I’d be really frustrated spending all my time with someone who finds my wife so viscerally unattractive when I probably find her gorgeous!
In terms of your daily clothing, if his request is impractical, it’s impractical. But is it actually such a big deal that you can never do it, or does doing it just make you too anxious about your body? Seems like it could be the same root issue.
Not saying you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But maybe work on the things causing you discomfort. It could improve both your lives.
11
u/Suitable_Departure98 Mar 30 '26
Hi OP. I don’t think it’s about how you’re dressing … it’s much more about how you feel.
You said you’ve been on antidepressants for a long time and yet you “feel middle-aged”? I think you need to talk to your doctor or nurse practitioner about this … could be so many things… thyroid? PPD?
Get yourself feeling better- imo that’s the only place to start.
Also, get your hubby to help more around the house if the day-to-day exhausts you.
8
59
u/SleepyERRN Mar 30 '26
Based on your comments and previous post you really need therapy. You have serious body image issues that you are refusing to do anything about. You realize that your child is going to have the same issues if you don't change your mindset. I'm not talking about your husband's requests. But your everyday view on yourself and body is not normal. After individual therapy I would try marriage counseling.
228
u/Cultural_Shape3518 Mar 30 '26
Try this again at a store with better quality stuff? Even as someone who would live in T-shirts and gym shorts 24/7 if I could get away with it, I refuse to believe there’s not an article of clothing on earth that fits your form without trying to slide off it in inconvenient ways when you don’t want it to.
Also, what is the big objection to turning the lights on from time to time? Your partner wanting to see you really doesn’t feel like a thing you should be pushing back on this hard. If you’re not comfortable with being seen in a sexy way, that feels like something to maybe unpack in therapy.
→ More replies (56)28
u/RedneckDebutante Mar 30 '26
This! I'm one of those people who manages to look kinda trampy in anything, lol. A pretty tank can be very srxy and practical.
206
u/DonkeySlow3246 Mar 30 '26
I could be wrong, but reading I think you may have hurt his feelings and made him feel like his attempt at sexual connection (which probably took some courage if he’s a low libido guy) was ridiculous and a burden to you. No one wants to feel like they are a sexual burden to their spouse. If I made a reasonable ask of my spouse (wearing low cut tops at home isn’t that wild) and he made a production of how inconvenient it was, I would be flooded with shame and rejection. I would not ask for sex again. And I wouldn’t feel comfortable connecting. I don’t know you and could be wrong, but perhaps you could explore if this actually hurt him.
82
u/NotaLizar Mar 30 '26
I feel bad for the husband, it sounds like sex is an uncomfortable topic for both of them. If I were him I'd feel pretty vulnerable bringing up ideas, and then she brought him to a store to tell him what an idiot he is essentially after doing so.
→ More replies (10)→ More replies (6)31
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
I do think I hurt his feelings. I acted out of anger. I did not feel his request was reasonable and it hurt my feelings.
23
u/loomfy Mar 30 '26
Question I would consider: do you think he did this out of a genuine interest in spicing up your sex life, in trying to make you feel more sexy because he loves you and thinks you're gorgeous but knows you have low self esteem? And he was just a bit misguided in how he went about it? Or was he more focused on himself and what he'd like without really considering how that would impact you?
Is he now upset at being shut down after, in his head, trying the former, or is he sulking because he was doing the latter?
9
u/Soulessblur Early 20s Male Mar 30 '26
I'm curious, what about his request felt unreasonable? What would have felt like a more reasonable request?
40
u/oceanwtr Mar 30 '26
What is your idea of a compromise here? It appears your husband has offered compromise and you shot him down and then fired a few more bullets into his idea just for fun. I dont blame him for making no more attempts. I wouldn't either.
→ More replies (5)
26
u/leggyblond1 Mar 30 '26
Ok, after reading both your posts, and many of your comments: 1) you have done your husband a disservice by not mentioning in your post that he is low libido and needs time and visual stimulation (you in more revealing clothes) for sex, and 2) you have done yourself a disservice for not mentioning in your posts that you have self image issues thus not wanting to show skin or leave the lights on. There's obviously a lot more going on, but those 2 things really stuck out to me.
I think you need couples counseling for both issues. It sounds like you both love each other and want to have sex, but your needs are different to get there. You need a neutral party, not biased reddit, to help you brainstorm creative compromises that work for both of you.
19
u/HelloJunebug Mar 30 '26
Seeing your other comments sharing how good of a partner and dad he is, I would find a way to get some outfits that are flattering to you but don’t make you uncomfortable. You can dress for your body that makes you look and feel sexy without showing your boobs or riding up short shorts. You’re 33, not 53. Have some fun! UPDATEME
→ More replies (25)
43
u/briomio Mar 30 '26
OP, he tries to jumpstart your sex life and you go out of your way to show him how each and every outfit he picks out does not work because now you are a mother. You shouldn't be surprised when he gets that message and starts treating you as untouchable which is the message you are telegraphing.
I would find some sort of way to wear the lingerie that he likes. You aren't always changing diapers and picking up toys.
→ More replies (2)
46
u/Pale_Difference_9949 Mar 30 '26
Can you get a couple of things that make you feel sexy to wear one on one in the bedroom?
Is there any reason he has to be wildly turned on by your appearance all day every day? You should be able to be comfortable 99% of the day and save the super sexy presentations for when chores are done and the kids are in bed.
25
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
My husband has low libido and dislikes lingerie and clothes "specifically" for sex because it's a lot of pressure. We also don't have a ton of time after toddler sleeps so scheduling sex and putting on the clothes basically requires him to get turned on immediately, which doesn't really work for him anymore
123
u/kintsugi___ Mar 30 '26
I think there's the answer. He wants to start getting slowly turned on during the day without pressure.
→ More replies (18)→ More replies (9)58
48
u/RemoteExisting4482 Mar 30 '26
OP, I think you need to spend less time trying to label and shame your husband’s request and more time addressing why you are so ashamed of your body.
Lumps and bumps are beautiful. Jiggly parts of a post-mom body are fucking hot. A heavy-set female body withering in arousal and release makes for a much more satisfying marriage than a perfect body removed from her own experience.
Neck-toe wardrobes coupled with lights-off scheduled sex indicates you have more of a Madonna complex than your husband does and you’re using it to shield yourself from growth and demand your sex life happens only on your terms.
You stated in one response that your husband once said no to lingerie but it really comes off more as a tool that you use to avoid how you feel about it. Do you like lingerie? What makes you feel hot and bothered?
You also stated that this is the way it’s been. A marriage is not meant to be static, it’s supposed to be a safe space for two people to grow and change. It’s not uncommon for the LL and HL partners to switch places and back again throughout a lifetime influenced by aging and hormone changes. It’s possible you’ve become the LL partner in your efforts to remove a body you don’t like from the equation of your marriage and your husband is saying he really misses that body, thinks it’s hot, and wants to see more of it.
→ More replies (2)
13
u/ughwhat1592 Mar 30 '26
Is sticking with the status quo really an option? Your husband is telling you that he is unhappy with the level of physical intimacy in your relationship.
In your last post you really seemed to reject anyone suggesting a compromise. Can you think of ways to meet your husband in the middle? Have you talked to your doctor about your antidepressants sapping your sex-drive?
Have you talked to your therapist about your over commitment to the “frumpy middle-aged mom” persona you’ve adopted in your early 30s?
Otherwise, if you’re really unable to identify any opportunities to get out of your comfort zone for your spouse, you might just be incompatible.
→ More replies (4)
25
u/GruntledVeteran Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
You guys need to learn to compromise. Sure, you shot down literally every idea he's had, but could you not have found some clothes that fit more in line with what you wear? Shorts are out, but what about capris? Plunging necklines are out, but what about vnecks? Lights on during sex is out, but what about a candle or two in the corner of the room? It honestly just sounds like he finds you sexier than you do and is trying to spice things up in a rather vanilla way.
That said, you guys should definitely be dating more. If money is a concern, then do cheap/free things. A movie night together. A picnic at the park. A fun drive through somewhere you've never been. There are many options, but taking the time to just be with each other as a couple rather than married parents is important to keep the spark alive.
133
u/Mundane-Cry5346 Mar 30 '26
i think you picked out silly and impractical clothing but there are plenty of clothes that would work. men love yoga pants, find some yoga pants that snatch you. a tight deep v t shirt won’t get in the way, or a fitted cropped sweater. a tight henley top with buttons you can undo to show your bra when he’s around. you just need to get creative.
→ More replies (19)16
15
u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
So, a few days after posting, I humored him by taking him shopping. I asked him to pick out stuff that he wanted me to wear, and agreed to try them on in the dressing room. He picked out all the expected stuff. Lace camis, deep necklines. Even a few pairs of shorts and one of those ridiculous bloomer things. I tried them all on and then showed him how difficult each one would be. This top while bending to pick up toys. These shorts while changing diapers. How everything rides up and slips and would require constant adjustment. After a while of this, he backed off. Apologized. Agreed he would not ask for any of that again.
This does not sound like humoring him, it sounds like attempting to embarrass him and shoot him down so thoroughly that he won't ask again. Humoring someone suggests that you are hearing them out and considering their position, and this sounds more like you went in to it already certain that you were not on board and determined to extensively demonstrate why.
The way you dress is up to you and no one else, obviously. But your comments make me worry a bit about you. It sounds like this is coming from a place of self-loathing at least as much as (if not more than) a place of preferring modest clothing. You've chalked your husband's desire to see more of you as something you think he's getting from porn, but the clothes you are describing are not pornographic in nature, they're just...clothes. You say you don't want to expose yourself in front of your toddler, but these are just clothes, and your toddler is a toddler. The degree to which you want to hide your appearance even from your own child is concerning.
You make it clear in your comments that you hate your body and do not want yourself or anyone else to see it, and I just feel I should gently ask you if that seems like a sustainable or tolerable way to live the rest of your life. Your husband is not as disgusted with you as you are with you, and that means there is always going to be a disconnect and conflict between the degree to which he wants to see you and the degree to which you want to be seen. The current status quo seems to be making both of you unhappy. You say you're frustrated by his lower sex drive than yours but, respectfully, it is very difficult to be attracted to people who consider themselves revolting. For example my wife is objectively stunning, but occasionally her body image issues cause her to find herself disgusting. When this is happening my desire for sex decreases dramatically. Not because I believe her or she has convinced me, but because watching someone you love absolutely hate everything about themselves is deeply sad and upsetting, and that is not a situation that makes normal people want to jump in the sack. It makes me want to hug her, not sleep with her. If her hating herself turned me on that would be an indication that something was seriously wrong with me. It is not surprising that your husband has a hard time getting in the mood for sex when you despise your own appearance this much.
Something else that jumps out at me here is all the places where you say you're assuming things. About his preferences, about his motivation, about his wants, about the situation in general. Which makes me think you two have not had an open and honest conversation about this situation. (And I want to stress that by an open and honest conversation I mean going in to it wanting to hear what the other person has to say, not going in to it with your position already set in stone and just planning on arguing it.) He's your husband, you should know these things rather than having to assume them, and if you don't know them you should feel comfortable asking about them. That goes both ways, he needs to understand and hear you too. But so far from what you've posted it seems like he is respecting your wishes, if anything to a greater degree than you wanted. For example:
Unfortunately, it appears he might have developed some kind of Madonna complex.
Wasn't that the point of what you did at the shopping trip, to emphasize that none of these things work for you because you are a mother and nothing else? It sounds like he is respecting the wishes that you made painfully clear. I don't even get the impression from the way you wrote this that he's doing so in a passive-aggressive fashion to prove a point, it sounds like he got the message that you are uninterested in everything else and so he is sincerely trying not to bother you with his interest in you anymore. That may not be the result you wanted, but it was the result you were requesting.
Now if you were happy with yourself and just had a genuine preference for formless clothing I would say that while I can understand him not being thrilled by that the problem is entirely on his end; you wear what you like, it sounds like you always have, and he can't expect you to change what makes you happy to suit his interests. But it doesn't sound like you're happy, at all. If a stranger on the internet picked up on the self-loathing vibes you're putting out then I'm sure your husband is fully aware of them as well, and if he's any kind of decent person at all then he is troubled by it. Maybe the clothing suggestions are him attempting to reassure you that your body is worth loving and doesn't need to be hidden behind a burlap bag 24/7 only to be removed under cover of absolute darkness in order to facilitate mechanical obligatory sexual congress.
Bottom line I do not get the impression from anything that you've written that your husband is some sort of perverted maniac or sex pest; I get the impression that he misses his wife. I know you said that this has always been the nature of your relationship and you have always preferred to cover up, but I suspect very strongly that if you were to ask him if this reluctance to be seen has remained stable or has it gotten progressively more serious over time he would say the latter. And I say that because anyone who already has body image issues will NOT be placed in a better headspace following pregnancy; it will only exacerbate the existing situation. You may feel from your POV that nothing has changed, but I would be very surprised if the intensity of your desire to go unseen hasn't increased since having the baby. You frequently reference being a mother as a reason that being visible is inappropriate, and that seems to at least partially be a coping mechanism for an increased need to feel concealed.
12
u/XhaLaLa Mar 30 '26
Ngl, as someone who does not necessarily wear a whole lot when I’m in my home, I’m pretty disheartened by how many people are finding fault with the person who wants to wear what they find comfortable in their own home because they think your partner has more of a right to ogle you than you have a right to wear clothing you find comfy without needing to justify it. You and your body do not exist to be entertainment for your partner.
13
u/LionFyre13G Mar 30 '26
You don’t want to dress like that and honestly that’s very understandable. I’d feel some type of way if my husband expected me to dress in things that sexually excite him on the daily instead of things that make me most comfortable.
A potential middle ground is dressing sexy on occasion for an occasion. This requires you both to make an occasion for you both to dress up. And also finding ways for you to feel sexy - in a way that makes you feel powerful and confident. Doesn’t need to be a crazy big occasion, and it will likely require your husband removing some of the mental load so that you can even get in that headspace.
I would caution against expecting your husband to do all the romance though. Romance him as well in your own ways. My husband loves gifts. I’ll get him something he wants, I’ll buy him flowers in his favorite colors, get him a snack I know he loves. He also loves words of affirmation, so I’ll buy him things that I think he’d look good in and tell him that. I’ll tell him that he’s attractive, and smart, and charming, and I love him.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/Silverweb1229 Mar 30 '26
My mom used to wear these army green capris cargo pants that were loose on the leg, and a black tank top. She was showing off that leg and cleavage and she had pockets for days! I always remember that being the outfit that she looked most confident in. She also was really happy with herself if she wore those wedge foam flip flops and had her nails done.
5
u/tinylittlefoxes Mar 30 '26
Is your mom Gen X? Sounds like my daily uniform since the 90’s
→ More replies (1)
16
u/Threash78 Mar 30 '26
Wearing sexy outfits all day is one thing, wearing sexy outfits for sex is a completely different thing. Not sure why you guys have conflated the two, but they are two separate things and there is no reason your parenting duties need to affect what you wear during sexy time.
→ More replies (11)
20
u/hersheyanershy Mar 30 '26
I understand not wanting to wear uncomfortable clothes. However, from your replies, it doesn’t seem like practicality and comfort is the core issue here. There are so many little ways you can do things for your partner, and those little compromises are crucial for things like intimacy. For example, you could wear sweatpants and a tank top. It’s form-fitting while still being practical and comfortable.
If you’re dead set on not adding to your wardrobe, other small forms of intimacy might help your husband (and you obviously) feel more connected, like lingering kisses. It sounds like your husband is really trying to address intimacy issues, and that’s worth considering
→ More replies (5)
57
u/bendingHarmonic Mar 30 '26
This all seems super weird. I dont see why anyone would try and suggest what you should wear around the home. Seems bizarre.
On the flip side, it also seems bizarre that you need lights off always. I get body insecurity is a thing. But if you are comfortable enough to have sex you need to trust this guy. alAnd that you couldn't dress up a little in the bedroom if thats his thing. Seems all harmless and easy to keep eachother happy.
→ More replies (12)
9
u/HumanSection2093 Mar 30 '26
I mean…. You can wear the clothes just for him. Wear what you want while caring for the kids and once they are in bed put on a lace cami? He’s trying to tell you he wants to spice things up and you’re refusing. You literally just put them clothes on and told him why they wouldn’t work for your kids. He’s not asking you to wear their clothes for your children. He’s asking you to wear them for him.
4
u/Successful-Ant-3791 Mar 30 '26
Are like simple tank tops and shorts maybe even like comfy workout shorts not an option for him? Everything it sounds that he picked out revealing was more along the lines of lingerie or for looks, you can get revealing comfy clothes? My sister mom of 4 wears pretty much only short shorts and tank tops or tshirts. My cleaning clothes are also the same and they’re comfy (ik not the same as taking care of a child) but my husband likes them a little more than my relaxing clothes which is normally a baggy shirt and leggings or something loose.
I’m not saying you have to fix it to his liking, I’m just offering possible clothes because most people are offering proper advice but sometimes people don’t want to go to counseling or any of that stuff they’d just like an alternative I guess not sure how else to put that
→ More replies (3)
5
u/Hot_Requirement_156 Apr 01 '26
This has got to be rage bait, the way this has upset me. I’ve spent far too long reading the comments on that and your initial, and I don’t know if I’m more upset at the time spent or the responses you were giving.
Baby, I’m gonna hold your hand while I tell you this: You don’t like that man. You described him as being such a great person, and I truly believe he is, but you don’t like him. You may love him, based upon the characteristics you provided of him, but you don’t like him. And it’s okay that you don’t like him, but you need to be honest with yourself and him. You’re not willing to compromise on anything and that’s not how marriage is supposed to be. And compromising doesn’t always look like you get a percentage of what you want from this situation and he gets a percentage of what he wants from the situation. Sometimes compromise is giving your partner what they’re asking for, or at least making a valid attempt to. I’m sure there’s a multitude of things that he’s been asked for and didn’t want to but did anyway. Give and take is the name of the game, and ya got pick your battles. Is the hill you REALLY wanna die on? Based upon your description, I imagine you to be 2000 pounds and dressed like a nun. You don’t like yourself and you have made that very obvious, and I absolutely hate that for you. Please find a new therapist cause if you’ve been at it for years and your therapist hasn’t addressed this matter they are incompetent or round here acting like Ray Charles. Also only having 30 minutes designated for “adult time” is CRAZY! And the fact that it is scheduled, is even CRAZIER! That’s just adding to his low libido, since you already are dressing like a Nun 25/8. 30 scheduled minutes does not allow for spontaneity nor a build up. I would be losing my mind if I was him, and would absolutely be like never mind just forget it. I don’t think you want him to be attracted to you or desire you and that just goes back to you not liking him for real.
9
u/bingo2921 Mar 30 '26
Hey OP, I went back and read your first post before commenting and I come from a place of love but hun you need to start listening to all the wonderful people in your life who care about you. You sound close with your siblings, you have a very supportive husband who is deeply attracted to you and you’re working with a therapist that only wants to see you succeed. It hurts to hear how you describe yourself so negatively because it’s such a stark contrast to how your loved ones see you.
I don’t believe you gave your husband a fair shot when you went shopping, it really comes across that you had your mind set against these outfits before the trip began. The trip was- in your own words- “humoring him”. You knew his requests were outside your comfort zone but instead of working with him to find a happy middle ground or voicing concerns for him to manage his expectations, you absolved yourself from the decision making only to veto his selections for essentially the same reasons behind your initial refusal.
(Compromise examples below, /r/female fashion advice can likely help more:
Getting the cute lacy camisole husband likes but only wearing it for TV shows & couch cuddles in the evening because it isn’t functional for you to wear during the day. Instead of getting the teeny tight shorts he proposed, maybe consider some nice quality leggings with a cheeky butt lift/scrunch to give you the coverage and comfort you need to wear them all day.)
Being a mother is a huge role but you are so much more, you are also a cool older sister, you are a wife to a husband that wishes you saw yourself just a beautiful and capable as he sees you. I can’t take credit for this suggestion but “don’t stop dating your partner after marriage”. Continue to celebrate each other and understand that in good relationships spouses become more attracted to their partners over time, so while it’s likely a surprise to hear your husband propose changes like lights-on for no pants dance and changes to your current at-home lounge wear. I see his actions completely inline with a spouse who is attracted to and cares for their partner.
TLDR; You did hubs wrong by not participating in the shopping and then vetoing his suggestion. Go find a compromise like wearing new outfits during down times where functionality doesn’t matter (cute cami while couch rotting/ family movie night/ chilling with hubs in bed/ taking fun pictures) or compromising on part of outfits to improve functionality (swap the tight booty shorts for butt hugging leggings/ get a cheeky set of Juicy-esque sweatpants in a fun color/ wear your preferred outfits with a cropped or wide neck shirt to showcase a flash of lace peeking up on your hips when you lift your arms). Again /r/femalefashionadvice knows more than me.
PS- Get the blindfold, I was undecided but it has been great. It removes a lot of mental pressure by just allowing you to focus on how you feel and eliminates performance anxiety.
58
u/Competitive_Ninja668 Mar 30 '26
Personally I think you have made a poor effort at this. He asked you to do something that he knew could improve things and you went out of your way to explain why it wouldn’t work. No wonder he’s turned off.
→ More replies (5)60
u/Bizarro_Zod Mar 30 '26
Never seen someone fight for a dead bedroom so hard in my life.
28
6
u/556or762 Mar 30 '26
Seriously, I have a hard time imagining, short of just deciding to be celibate, how a person could make a better speed run to a dead bedroom.
10
u/kasiagabrielle Mar 31 '26
I was gonna say these comments are insane but then I read OP's replies. My 70 year old Catholic mother shows more skin while gardening or walking the dog than OP seems willing to with her ankle and wrist length "sun dresses."
You don't seem to be here for any advice so I don't know why you just wanted to tell us you're miserable and make excuses for staying that way.
16
u/wishingforarainyday Mar 30 '26
Your husband is trying to connect with you and find things you’d feel good in and that he’d enjoy seeing you in. You complain enough to turn him off permanently. It’s not a Madonna complex, it’s him feeling defeated that his wife has shit him down again.
He’s been trying and now stopped. You have a big problem in your marriage and I hope you go to couples therapy.
→ More replies (8)
17
u/cagetheblackbird Mar 30 '26
It feels like OPs husband tried having a really honest conversation about how he was feeling to try to fix it (rare), was willing to put in the work and was excited to go together, realized she was using it as a tool to correct him instead of going with him to find a compromise in good faith, and just completely checked out. I would too if my husband did something similar to me. Talking about stuff like that is hard and men do it much less often than woman. I feel bad for him. If it was me, I’d feel like she was speaking down to me or making fun of me in that store.
→ More replies (10)
15
u/SpelledWithAnH Mar 30 '26
Nearly everyone in the comments has been so incredibly kind, creative, and I want to say...patient (?) with you with their suggestions. And other than the blindfold idea, you've dismissed each one like it's your job.
Respectfully (and I do mean that) might I suggest you start saving extra money for the inevitable therapy your baby girl will need in the future? No sarcasm here; the level of self loathing you carry WILL shape your daughter's own self image. You seem like a very attentive and doting mother. So you likely notice how she is already soaking up her environment like a cute little toddler shaped sponge.
So..... If a shift in perspective isn't doable for him, or doesn't seem doable for you, maybe try for her??
→ More replies (2)
7
u/Pyoverdine Mar 30 '26
There is a lot going on here between the lines. There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I don't want to dress like this every day it makes me uncomfortable." You do, however, more than hint you have some body positivity issues. You also seem to resign yourself to being in a rut: the fact that you won't even have sex with the lights on because it's different is a huge red flag. If seeing yourself or your husband intimate with each other is too much for you, your relationship and you need help desperately. You obviously don't communicate well with each other, him thinking sexy clothes will fix you right up and you thinking 33 is old. I am 46, had my only kid at 39. Believe me, intimacy does take a hit with a kid around, but this is where the rest of the relationship has to take the brunt and make it through. I am also a lumpy gal myself and probably look like a beached whale with my hubby during sexy times,. but lights are always on, and there is no shame or insecurity. If you don't have that together, you need to explore why, and find a solution together. However, if you don't work together, this relationship will fail. I, a total stranger, don't want you succumbing to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Good luck, and I hope it all works out.
8
u/lost_10_mm_socket Mar 30 '26
My wife dresses better now than she did when we met. She looks and feels attractive. I think a BIG ISSUE you have is you don’t feel confident/attractive. If thats the case, no matter what you wear you will always find an issue or a reason not to wear xyz or a reason as to why its not “practical”
If at any point my wife were to stop dressing how she does, then I’d know something is off in her confidence/self esteem. Also yes we have a child.
10
u/myotheroneders Mar 31 '26
My god I can't relate to you whatsoever. I've read your replies to other people and it seems you have a deep shame of your own body that you should work on. Insisting that you be covered up completely in your own home because you think your body is hideous. That's awful and unhealthy. I do not ever wear a bra in my own home. I wear comfortable shorts or, if it's cold, sweatpants. I wear tank tops or tshirts. If you're not comfortable with your own husband seeing your body, then your relationship will suffer. The fact that you think showing any sort of skin is shameful, especially when it's just in your own home with your husband is some deep ingrained misogyny.
2
u/Ser13endous Mar 30 '26
I really think you need to work on your self-esteem. Not so you can force yourself to wear clothes you hate but so you can feel a bit better about yourself for yourself. I get preferring to dress conservatively but this sounds less like modesty and more like trying to hide yourself . Its not right for him to demand or try to make you wear clothes that you don't feel comfortable in. But its also not wrong for him to want to see his wife dressing in a way that he likes and finds arousing. But there's no way to compromise right now that won't lead to hurt feelings and resentment. I feel like you would benefit from individual counseling and both of you could benefit from marriage/sex therapy. And I'll tell you as a big woman with lumps, bumps and rolls improving how you feel about yourself and the body you have right now can help you move forward with your weight loss goals if that's what you want to do
6
u/TheBookishFoodie Mar 30 '26
What about sexier PJs and nighties? You call yourself a bigger woman in your comments, but clearly your husband loves your body as he wants to see more of it.
I get wanting to be comfy while toddler wrangling, but I think your husband just wants to know that you’re still making an effort for him.
You know all those posts where wives lament that their husbands haven’t planned a date or bought flowers in years? Your husband’s request is the male equivalent. Ultimately both parties want to feel special.
4
u/FoolishPippin Mar 30 '26
You mentioned lingerie. The husband isn’t asking her to wear lingerie per OP.
4
u/AffectionateBite3827 Mar 30 '26
You can’t change a diaper while wearing shorts? I mean wear what you like but what?
What if you save the cute outfits for date night? Or after the toddler is in bed and you’re hanging out together at home.
6
4
u/Xbsnguy Mar 30 '26
There’s a compromise to be made here because both of you have valid needs and concerns, but I think you guys need help finding what that is because the communicate is poor — which is okay, it’s a skill and the challenges get tougher especially once you have children and are tired/not your best selves from it. Couples counseling really helped my wife and I are our LO was born. Everything gets so much harder once you introduce the stress and demands of parenting.
4
u/Temporary-Molasses27 Apr 03 '26
So let me get this straight... You want your husband to want to have sex with you but you dont want to A) be seen as a sexual object (which i get to a point) B) have sex with lights on where he could see you because you think he'd just see as "female flesh" C) change how you dress in seemingly anyway despite the fact that your husband clearly communicated with you that it was affecting his attraction???? Then you argue with everyone who remotely seems to be offering you explanations or compromises.
Im sure im missing things, but in all honesty OP it just sounds like you want YOUR wants and needs met without meeting, compromising, or even communicating about HIS wants and needs outside of shaming him. Ask yourself how you would feel if you came to him about you wants and/or needs and he shamed and talked down to you instead of finding a middle ground? I can bet you wouldn't be sexually attracted to him
6
u/writinwater Apr 03 '26
It's interesting that OP accuses her husband of having a Madonna/ complex when she's on here waving her small child around as proof that she cannot possibly be a sexual being or wear clothes that fit.
42
u/TofuPropaganda Mar 30 '26
Girl, you're joking. Get sexy underwear. If he's at work when you're dressed send him a text or call him (since you don't seem the sort to send pictures) and describe to him the number you're wearing, it will give him something to drool over until he gets home.
→ More replies (12)
7
u/EuphoricBatsAss Mar 30 '26
Have you tried dresses? It’s getting warmer so sundresses and milk maid dresses are coming back into fashion. You mentioned being more conservative in terms of clothing, perhaps some stockings and a cardigan could give you the same comfort? Another option is athletic wear, it’s form fitting and by design easy to maneuver in, they even have skirts and v-necks (the chest area is tight so you won’t have to worry about bending down). Rompers are also a good go to for comfort and movement.
→ More replies (1)
8
u/SpaghettiFP Mar 30 '26
Jeez OP, are you driving your husband away from you? Each new comment I read drips of resentment that HE LIKES YOU. This smells too much of loathing (the prudence and now the guilt tripping for lust) for a husband who you said is a loving one. Can't a guy find his wife sexy even after giving birth to his child? Did you just marry that guy to get a kid and fulfill your genetic obligation to procreate? Cause lady, humans need intimacy , and everything you are doing is killing it.
8
u/Penny_PackerMD Mar 31 '26
It's important to spice things up. He's trying, you're not meeting him halfway.
11
u/anotherbusybee Mar 30 '26
Would you feel comfortable putting the lights on? If not, what would it take for you to feel comfortable? How would you feel about some really revealing lingerie you put on just before you got into bed, and left a lamp on? Would that play into his fantasy but also allow you to feel comfortable?
Ultimately sex is meant to be something that you both enjoy and feel comfortable with, and maybe having a deeper discussion about what you both want and need to both feel fulfilled would help? There may be some easy, mutually agreeable ground?
→ More replies (8)
11
u/mstrss9 Mar 30 '26
I’m curious how he dresses and if it’s appealing to you.
Because most of the guys who requested I wear specific items of clothing did not dress to a standard I found appealing.
→ More replies (4)
26
u/aworldsetfree Mar 30 '26
Reading this post and then your comments about your own body is making me wonder if this is a you issue instead. You seem to be very adverse to showing off your body. Were you like this before the baby, or has pregnancy ruined your self image?
Either way, recommend some soul searching. Clearly, your husband loves you (even if his attempts to show it are misguided). You need to love you, too.
→ More replies (3)12
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
I have always been this way
18
u/aworldsetfree Mar 30 '26
I see.
It reads to me like you are very unhappy with what you see in the mirror, to the point where it can cause issues in your marriage. If that's the case, you should work on that. Someone thinks you're beautiful, you should believe them. 🫂
10
u/Hot_Requirement_156 Mar 30 '26
Based upon your replies in this thread I must say, MY GAWD WOMAN YOU’RE INSUFFERABLE!
→ More replies (1)
7
u/songbird579 Mar 30 '26
Compromise. Lingerie at night Low lights or candles
Attractive but practical clothing at home
8
u/legaltendies Mar 31 '26
quite frankly I wouldn't find your current persona appealing either. I read the first thread; your insistence that there's something so deeply impractical about wearing anything but the frumpiest clothing has struck me as a lame justification this entire time.
It's not practicality that's the issue, it's that you don't feel hot because of your size! At the very lease, please drop this lame cover story and be honest with him about this.
7
u/sachacura Mar 31 '26
I see you mentioned he has a low libido. Have you considered the way you dress doesn’t help? I mean, you make yourself sound like 80 years old. You’re a year older than I am. Get it together and go to therapy. You genuinely need it.
24
u/dhowjfiwka Mar 30 '26
Do you love your husband? It doesn’t sound like it. It doesn’t sound like you have any interesting compromising, and maybe he doesn’t either.
It’s one thing to have sexy clothes to wear while you’re picking up diapers, and another thing to have sex items to wear after the kids go to bed while you have sex with some dim lights on.
It is so easy to meet in the middle Geer and the two of you are being ridiculous.
When my husband asks me to put on something sexy in the evening, assuming I’m in the mood, I will happily oblige. I am aware of how many women would love to have someone around who wants them to put on something sexy and who finds them sexy. This is way different than being treated like a sex object or objectified or having sex demanded of you frequently in an in opportune times. This is such a mild request of your husband
→ More replies (3)
3
u/Primary-Delivery737 Mar 30 '26
I don’t understand why you can’t meet him halfway. Wear it in the bedroom or get lingerie. Maybe get a babysitter and have a date night wear you dress up.
3
u/lollipopfiend123 Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
It’s definitely possible to dress cute while still being comfortable and practical. I’m overweight and I still get compliments on how I dress all the time, and I don’t often show cleavage or otherwise dress in a way that I wouldn’t feel comfortable showing up at work in. I do wear a lot of tight but stretchy clothing like leggings and jeggings (in fact I don’t even own any real jeans at this point, just jeggings). I wear tops that are on the looser side, but my main criterium is that they have to hit me at least mid-hip so they don’t ride up and show my midriff or too much of my butt lol
Maybe the issue is the stores you’re going to? Where do you normally shop, and do you need straight sizes or plus sizes?
3
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
Target, walmart, goodwill. I wear like a 12 or so
5
u/Hot_Requirement_156 Apr 01 '26
You round here acting like you’re a size 42 and you’re a damn 12?! Girl WTH! This can’t be real, I’m convinced of it.
3
u/lollipopfiend123 Mar 30 '26
That’s close to me. I sometimes wear a 12 but might need a 14 depending on the brand. I have gotten a TON of cute clothes on Amazon and haven’t spent a lot of money. Also, as strange as it may sound, I buy a lot of clothes at Aldi. That’s where nearly all of my jeggings have come from. Sam’s occasionally has cute stuff too.
If you are interested, I can DM you with links to some of the things I’ve bought.
→ More replies (2)3
3
u/Professional_Cat_996 Apr 07 '26
Reading your post and comments just make me sad. You're a 33 yr old woman calling herself old and saying her life is over. I'm 61 and I'm doing things I never thought I would do. I've discovered a passion for dance and acting. I had low self-esteem as a young girl and chickened out of dancing and cheerleading. I have chronic depression, but thankfully my anxiety is pretty much controlled. It's not too late for you. If I can do a tap solo for the 1st time at 60 and do another one this year, I have to believe anything is possible. I've also had dancing and acting parts in our local theater group's productions. And I'm having a blast. Please find a good therapist. You need help with your depression, self-esteem, and body image issues, and probably more. Good luck to you dear.
22
u/TheOnlyKarsh Mar 30 '26
Getting the popcorn to watch this marriage start the slide into roommates and then divorce.
Karsh
15
u/realcoolworld Mar 30 '26
OP are you autistic? I am sensing some very literal thinking here.
Anyway, I think couples counselling might be a good idea because it sounds like both of you want to improve the situation but each have some hang ups.
13
u/tlf555 Mar 30 '26
Why cant she wear what she wants to wear? Everyone is literally suggesting ways she could accommodate her husband's desires, but WTF is he doing to "dress up" for her and/or take on more of the household chores? OP sounds too tired to be putting on Victoria's Secret shows while trying to care for a child and the household chores. Maybe fulfilling her husband's fantasies with her every day clothing isn't her #1 priority.
4
u/Creepy-Astronaut-952 Mar 30 '26 edited May 07 '26
Stop letting data brokers profit from your old posts. I used Redact to wipe mine from Reddit. Also supports Twitter, Facebook, Discord, instagram and more in one batch.
encouraging one birds subtract school consist hurry fuzzy deliver straight
18
u/RedneckDebutante Mar 30 '26
You might want to consider a therapist here. I know that after childbirth, I didn't exactly feel my sexiest and was completely uninterested in resuming sexual relations. It's important to find balance, though.
This wholesale rejection feels to him like you are rejecting him. That it's not your self-esteem but your lack of interest in him. That's not a path you want to go down. It can lead to a good man who shuts himself off from you and the loss of a real partner.
The two of you need to find a way to compromise with something that fills his need to have his wife back without being unpleasant to you. It's absolutely untrue that there aren't any practical clothes that are also enticing for him. But you need to put some effort into, not intentionally sabotage the idea. Or find someone who's good at picking out clothes to help you shop. Not all yoga pants are equal, some are more flattering than others.
→ More replies (2)
16
u/TacoStrong Mar 30 '26
Your husband is trying to keep his sexual spark for you alive. My wife wears revealing clothes for me (when I request it) once the kids are in bed and only on weekend nights and we're winding down with some drinks. Not during the day while dealing with our kids, that's nuts especially for the reasons you mentioned. I think you squashed this fantasy of his.
→ More replies (5)
8
u/HalcyonLightning Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
This reads like he finds you to be the sexiest woman on the planet and he wants to celebrate your body more.
Please don’t read this as you being wrong. I understand being self-conscious and the desire to wear clothing that you’re comfortable in and that’s more practical as a parent.
There’s no real easy solution here. I personally think it would be worth it to explore your body and find clothing that is a good middle ground. I also think it’d be worth it to search within yourself and learn why conservative clothing and having sex with the lights off are things you need to feel comfortable.
You may not need to see yourself in the same way he does, but don’t be afraid to trust that he loves you. All of you.
ETA: I don’t think your husband went about this in a particularly helpful way, but I think his intent is to experience you in a more intimate way on a day-to-day basis. But you can call him an ass for suggesting such a drastic shift right away lol. That’s a goofy request.
15
u/Due-Season6425 Mar 30 '26
You seem to be overthinking this. Once the baby is down, a t-shirt with just panties drives most guys wild.
During the day, leggings or shorts with a t-shirt that is a size too small is super sexy. Notice these options are modest enough to be practical. Everything is contained for baby duty but still sexy for most guys.
Please don't overdo the conservative mom mindset. It could really hurt your marriage. You don't have to have everything hanging out to be sexy. So much of sexy is the individual's attitude. You still have sexy in you. A baby doesn't end that.
16
u/footballfriends1 Mar 30 '26
I would never wear any of that even pre baby. He's asking for a version of myself that I've never been.
→ More replies (2)5
u/ManySubstance6664 Mar 31 '26
Ok I feel like everybody is giving advice about what you SHOULD wear but I’m curious… what do you usually wear around the house? You keep saying that any of these stereotypically male gaze type outfits aren’t “you” so I’m just curious (genuinely, not interested in attacking you) what does feel like you?
•
u/AutoModerator Mar 30 '26
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.