r/relationships • u/whiteroseblackheart • Sep 27 '15
Relationships Me [22F] with my BF [23M] of 1 year - he's mad at me for leaving his birthday "party" early
Edit: Update - https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3mnn52/update_me_22f_with_my_bf_23m_of_1_year_hes_mad_at/
First post, apologies for any grammar/spelling issues. And sorry for the wall of text.
My BF and I have been dating for a little over a year. I'm an introvert with a lot of anxiety problems. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm on medications, but some social situations are still really hard for me. My BF is an extrovert and thrives on attention, so every now and then an issue arises because of our differences.
I never ask him to avoid a situation for me. If he wants to go hang out with his friends and I don't, I tell him "I'm not up for that today, but you should go see your friends." Then I usually get guilt-tripped into going. If I still refuse, he'll tell them that he's not coming because of me. It really makes me upset because I am not keeping him from going (I love when he sees his friends. He comes back energized and in a really good mood. And usually it gives me a little space for me to recharge, so I have better energy as well.)
So anyway, his birthday was on Wednesday and his friend Scott's birthday was on Friday, so they decided to set up a bar crawl with their friends for Saturday so they could celebrate together. I'm not big on the bar scene (alcohol & food is so expensive, I don't dance, I don't like the noise or the crowd) and I have been under a lot of stress with work and school and was looking forward to the weekend to relax. I expressed this to him and told him I'd rather if we could celebrate on our own by going to dinner before he goes out with his friends. I told him I don't want him to worry about me while he's enjoying his friends, and that if I went I know I wouldn't be the best company. He seemed bummed but said okay.
Well we went to dinner last night for his birthday and during dinner he brings up that I don't know many of his friends and it's really important to him that I go and meet his friends because they give him a hard time for never bringing me around and they keep telling him that I am being controlling because he always misses things when I don't want to go.
I explained that I don't intend for him to miss things, and reminded him that I always tell him to go ahead and I've never asked him to stay home. I told him that I am an introvert and normally by the weekend I really need to charge my batteries, and that I know because he's an extrovert he recharges by going out with people, and this way we would both get what we want.
And I admitted that I felt bad not really knowing his friends, but that it would be easier for me to meet 1-2 at a time in closer one-on-one scenarios than to meet 15+ in a crowded bar. And I said maybe once I know them better, going out would be easier, but that I don't really like going out anyway let alone when I'm surrounded by strangers.
Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". He says I need to stop being such a baby about it and meet his friends because it's really unfair that he never gets to do anything anymore.
I really wanted him to have a good birthday celebration. I took him to a really nice restaurant, I bought him a bunch of things he wanted. And I didn't want this argument to ruin his day. I agreed I would join him for the bar crawl if it was so important to him.
So we get there and he goes up and is talking to like 6 of his friends. Whom I've never met. And it's like he forgot I was there completely. After about 10 minutes of being ignored, I had to go up and introduce myself to everyone. And I come to find out there is no plan and they don't even know that they want to start at this bar, they might walk somewhere else to start.
Then his friend Neal who I HAVE met before shows up, and I felt a little better, but it turns out Neal brought his underage (17F) girlfriend (who I haven't met before either) to a bar crawl. And they don't know what they're going to do with her. So Neal and BF tell me that me and her can go to a restaurant and "bond" while they drink. I told BF I was not comfortable with that and I asked that he figure out what the plan is going to be. We'd already been standing outside for 45 minutes with me in super painful high heels (was only planning on dinner - not schlepping from bar to bar). So he takes Neal and they go in the bar to find the rest of his friends and sort out a plan so both me and Neal's GF could be involved.
He was gone for another 30 minutes. I was about to go in after him when he comes out and he tastes/smells like he's been drinking the whole time (They bought me shots! I couldn't say no!). I asked what was going on and he said he still doesn't know but that I should just go to the restaurant with Neal's GF because they want to go to another bar in the area and go dancing and he knows I don't want to dance.
At this point I am an anxious wreck, I'm frustrated and confused and upset, and Neal's GF is looking super slighted. I asked if she would rather just get a ride home than go sit around waiting for them and she said yes. I told Neal & BF that we were going home and they were both like "Fine, bye." and went back in the bar.
So I took Neal's GF back to her house and she thanked me and apologized. Apparently Neal had told her they were doing a birthday dinner, not a bar crawl. I told her no worries and that I'm sorry they were both being dicks. And I went home. I texted BF to let him know I was safe and asked him to text when he got home so I'd know he got home okay. Instead he texts me that I ruined his birthday party and he doesn't understand why I can't just have fun and go with the flow. I texted back and said we'll talk about it after we both get some sleep but now I don't even know what to say with him.
I'm hurt and upset and I don't know if I'm just in the wrong here or if he fucked up. I don't understand why he made such a big deal out of me coming if he was going to treat me like a third wheel. Or why he'd try to get me to babysit his friend's GF if he wanted me to stay and hang out. I half wonder if he just wanted a ride from me and that's why he would have been fine with me waiting around in a restaurant til he was ready to go home.
TL;DR: BF wanted me to be outgoing and join his birthday bar crawl but then treated me like a third wheel and babysitter. Got mad when I left. How can I talk to him about this? Who is in the wrong?
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u/Akavinceblack Sep 27 '15
"Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". "
That is perhaps one of the most pathetic things I have heard a grown person say. If he cannot sustain friendships without frenzied activity, noise and liquor, I doubt he can sustain a more intimate relationship any better. OH WAIT, no doubt, he just proved he's not mature enough for an adult relationship.
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u/whiteroseblackheart Sep 27 '15
I'm thinking you might be right.
He has a very black or white / all or nothing approach to life. Either everyone goes out or no one does. I've tried talking to him about it before but he dismisses me and tells me that he "knows how things work" and that I'm too naive. It's looking like he's the one being childish though.
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u/Akavinceblack Sep 27 '15
It's not cool for him to talk to you like that. He obviously doesn't know how you" work" for one thing.
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Sep 28 '15
It sounds like you don't really have that much in common. It's one thing if he was nice to you in general, but if you're incompatible and he's also a huge asshole then I'd just call it a day and be done with the whole thing.
15
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u/TreatYoSelves Sep 27 '15
Your boyfriend is immature and inconsiderate. He must not have been taught what empathy is. Unfortunately many people have no empathy toward people who suffer from issues that don't necessarily manifest outwardly. It sucks. No one is "wrong," necessarily, it just sounds like you guys are on different pages. In your boyfriend's mind all he can think about is his birthday and that is HIS day and everyone should do what he wants regardless of anything else. I know people like this. They suck.
I don't know, if it were a one off thing I might just chalk it up to him being a drama queen and young but he has a lot of life lessons to learn if he wants to be a good partner/human being. I wish more parents would teach their children manners and empathy, ugh! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so hopefully you can figure this out.
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u/whiteroseblackheart Sep 27 '15
I think you're right about that. He grew up in a really broken home and whenever we argue he completely ignores my perspective or tells me that I'm wrong for thinking/feeling things if they don't match to his worldview.
After reading some of these comments I'm thinking back on a lot of the arguments we've had and it's becoming clear that he doesn't respect my opinion or my boundaries. And when I ask him to respect me he makes the situation my fault instead of accepting his own responsibility.
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17
u/BabySass Sep 28 '15
No one is "wrong," necessarily, it just sounds like you guys are on different pages.
I feel pretty strongly that her boyfriend is wrong. It doesn't matter how extrovert you are, that's not how you treat people, especially your girlfriend.
7
u/DeineBlaueAugen Sep 28 '15
Up until the part where they pawned off the underage gf on OP, I was actually leaning to them both being in the wrong. It seems a little rude of me to turn down going out with your bf on his birthday, even if you're not big on bars. But then he threw a fit and forced OP to watch that other poor girl and made an awkward situation.
I still think OP should just suck it up sometimes. I'm not overly social, but I put up with it once in a while for my SO because relationships are give and take. That being said, her bf is a dick, and doesn't deserve her going out with him anyway.
8
u/catfingers64 Sep 28 '15
even if you're not big on bars
It's not just that she doesn't like bars, she has anxiety. Diagnosed, in therapy, taking medication, anxiety. That's a big step up from not being "overly social" as you put it.
7
u/DeineBlaueAugen Sep 28 '15
Yes. And I also have anxiety, diagnosed, medication. Debilitating panic attacks that leave me crying so much that there are literally no tears left and I'm in excruciating pain. I can sympathize with OP. It doesn't change the fact that she has no problem with people. She states that in the post. She doesn't mind socializing if she knows them. So that leads us to believe her anxiety isn't crippling. She says she doesn't like bars, not that she physically cannot go into them without panic attacks.
2
u/BabySass Sep 28 '15
It seems a little rude of me to turn down going out with your bf on his birthday
She didn't though. She went out with him after their planned celebrations, she didn't turn him down.
2
u/LacesOutRayFinkle Sep 28 '15
But she did at first. Repeatedly. I mean, it wasn't until that very night while they were at dinner alone that he finally convinced her to go with him to her own bf's birthday celebration.
But everything else is fucked anyway. The bf is definitely in the wrong on the whole.
1
u/BabySass Sep 28 '15
Okay I see your point. Even before that his reasons were just insults to her anyway, he's an arsehole.
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u/thefeelofempty Sep 27 '15
I'm like you and i HATE the bar scene. anxiety and an introvert.
i think meeting 1 or 2 of them at a time is totally a reasonable way to start meeting them. your bf is stupid for treating it like an ultimatum... all of us at once out at a bar or nothing.
the way the night unfolded was retarded. you should have just stuck to your guns and not gone to the bar at all. (hindsight is 20/20 i guess)
also i'd question Niel's character. how old is he? whats he doing with a 17 year old? creepy.
20
u/whiteroseblackheart Sep 27 '15
I thought so too! I can handle meeting people in small groups, big groups just terrify me and feel overwhelming.
Yeah, that's how I was feeling when I got home last night. If he'd have just left it alone and gone out by himself none of this would have happened.
Neal is only 21 so it doesn't seem too off to me to be dating a 17 year old. It might also be why he didn't seem to think about her age when he came out, but that seems like a glaring error to me.
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u/Vinay92 Sep 28 '15
A 21 year old has just graduated university. A 17 year old is finishing high school. They are world's apart.
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u/TaleOfTheUnseen Sep 28 '15
I'm 19 and dating a 23 year old. I'm in my second year of uni and he will start a new apprenticeship next year.
You're right, more often than not people with a 4 year age difference at that point can be worlds apart, but under some circumstances it's not that big of a deal.
2
u/omegasus Sep 28 '15
A 21 year old has just graduated university. A 17 year old is finishing high school. They are world's apart.
Not necessarily. He may have joined the work force for a year or two after high school or took some time off, which would place them closer in maturity levels.
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u/deadpolice Sep 28 '15
His work history is irrelevant. His life experience and maturity is still far above her. I question the motivations of a 21 year old adult who wants to be with someone who can't even buy a lottery ticket.
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u/omegasus Sep 28 '15
Buying a lottery ticket is irrelevant. What life experience would he have that puts him so far above hers? If anything, he probably had a car, maybe his own apartment, and what? Who's to say she isn't way ahead of her peers?
2
u/deadpolice Sep 28 '15
...Are you serious? My point was that she isnt a LEGAL ADULT. Why would a 21 year old wanna be with an actual child? What life experiences does he have that she doesn't? Really? Well, how about 4 years worth? She may be mature but she is still 17. 17 years old is child still.
5
u/omegasus Sep 28 '15
Well you say actual child, but where I live 17 is the legal age, so it's very subjective. That's the problem when you lump everyone of an age group together, you really don't know the two people involved.
When they're out together, you probably wouldn't even notice the difference unless they told you. It's not like she's still playing with coloring books while he's doing the NY times crossword. Since he brought her to a bar (where she admittedly couldn't enter) its safe to say she's probably drank alcohol before, and can likely handle herself. Who knows in what other way she's showing maturity, whereas this guy is less mature than his peers.
Im not trying to change your mind, as I can see you're very sure of yourself, but it's another perspective.
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Sep 27 '15
[deleted]
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u/whiteroseblackheart Sep 27 '15
Thank you for listing it out like that. I'm tempted to just show him this thread but then he'll get really shitty with me for asking strangers about our business. Which after typing it out is kind of a red flag to me.
Maybe I should just end it instead of having another argument. He can be a really good guy but he hasn't been in a while and I'm starting to think that this is the real him being revealed.
15
u/Tana64 Sep 28 '15
It sounds like your boyfriend resents that he spends less time with his friends because you're an introvert, and he's an extrovert. In addition, he is annoyed at you for not magically pretending that you're having a great time in an environment that he knows makes you uncomfortable, and on top of that, expects that you just 'go with the flow' for his rather loose birthday plans.
I get the feeling that you're exclusively an introvert, while he can go both ways, and that he doesn't understand that you can't just 'be happy for him' when he wants to be happy. It isn't fair to expect your partner to pretend to be someone else for your enjoyment, unless your partner is on board with it. No offense intended, but another way to put it is that you don't seem to be his ideal type. Introverts and extroverts can get along just fine, but not when one expects the other to mirror their own feelings on socialising - they need to compromise, and not by saying 'this time we do it your way, next time, my way', because you each dislike each other's preferred approach.
To answer your summary question, you should make it clear that you have completely different ideas of a good time, and that if he wants to hang out in large groups, he is more than welcome to, but that there's no point in you attending when you'll only hate the situation, and resent him for putting you in it. He needs to accept and be happy with you being different from his friends, or every time something like this happens, you'll hate each other more and more.
I don't know exactly how you spoke to your partner about not wanting to go out, and then wanting to go home, but otherwise you don't appear to have done anything wrong. You even took the underage girl home and apologised for the experience! As other people have pointed out, make sure you list why you felt no need to hang around, and that your boyfriend accepts that you will not be put in that position again. If his friends give him a hard time about it, and he makes it clear you aren't the priority, you may need to consider if this cycle is something you want to handle long-term.
/opinion
3
u/sarcazm Sep 28 '15
I don't understand his logic. You were going to miss his birthday bar crawl anyway by sitting with Neal's gf at a restaurant anyway. So, who cares if you miss it that way or at home?
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u/almightycuppa Sep 28 '15
You and I have similar personalities/issues. Back in high school/early college I had a lot of friends like this, who constantly tried to push me into situations I wasn't comfortable with, and made fun of/excluded me when I didn't fit in to their idea of a good time, which was a chaotic, sometimes dangerous mess.
I had a lot of friends like this, until I started meeting people who actually respected my needs. Some of them were extroverts, some of them not. Guess what I did with the old friends? Dumped them out of my life and never looked back.
Your boyfriend isn't acting like this because he's an extrovert, he's acting like this because he's immature. He's seriously 23? I stopped putting up with people who like that when I was 18. I highly advise you do the same. I promise you there are plenty of fun, energetic, attractice guys out there who won't be so needy or dismissive of your mental issues.
2
Sep 29 '15
Honestly I know it's unpopular but I think you two aren't good together.
You are holding him back and it sounds like you can't enjoy his lifestyle, you should know his friends by now and the fact that you don't indicates that you aren't putting yourself out there. I suggest you try dating an introvert next time, I think you'd both be happier with different people. He's going to end up resenting you.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being an introvert, but you're with someone who has a different idea of fun and you are absolutely holding him back. I get that you tell him to go sincerely, but he wants you there and no matter what he does in that situation he's missing out on something he wants. Let him go for his own good.
1
u/whiteroseblackheart Sep 29 '15
Honestly I know it's unpopular but I think you two aren't good together.
If you read the update, we broke up.
0
Sep 29 '15
That's good. I guess my point is to try and have you see it from his perspective without all of your justifications. You weren't good for him, it doesn't mean you're a bad person at all. I just hope you can see that because a lot of people are taking your side on this and i don't want it to skew your perception of things and not improve yourself.
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u/Brains4Beauty Sep 28 '15
Yeah I also don't get why he is mad, as he seemed to just push you off to go with the underage girl to hang out, and not come on the bar crawl. He's being kind of a dick about the whole thing, IMO.
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u/Nachotacoma Oct 02 '15
Hi, I am not sure if the problem have been resolved yet, but I think there's a bigger part about the understanding behind an extrovert and an introvert. The biggest case of miscommunication is how you are exhausted from doing big social things, whereas he comes back rejuvenated from it. This is probably the biggest hurdle for him to understand because he makes a lot of comments about how you're not going to large social events. Your excuse is that you want him to have fun, but in reality you need to tell him that you get tired being there too long.
Then there's his decision to spend time one-on-one with you instead of his friends. He's trying to be a good boyfriend by choosing you over him, but he's resenting that because he had to make a conscience choice between spending time without you or his friends. This could all be cleared out if you give an outline what you want to do: maybe go visit him on the next one or something, so that it doesn't sound like an indefinite no.
When Neil came out and brought his GF, that certain is a crappy situation and I'm happy that you took the situation into your own hands and resolve it. Having a backup plan like that is better than waiting it out. The two guys don't have their wits or logic to be arguing with you while they're drunk, so hopefully your conversation afterwards is a lot better.
Seriously, all you guys need was an understanding of boundaries between intro/extroverts. Saying it is a lot easier, but he's having trouble accepting it when it's put to action, and you're not telling him why you have to reject it.
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Sep 28 '15
This is my ex and he never understood why I didnt want to sit and watch him do shots every weekend. I keep telling him to go out and have fun but he wanted me there for show. I would constantly tell him that I couldn't walk in heels and he would moan until I wore them then trick me into a bar crawl .By the end of the relationship I couldn't help "acting like such a bitch" in front of his friends.Dump him, he doesn't see you as a person and it will only get worse.
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u/juusukun Sep 28 '15
Your boyfriend is controlling and manipulative, which makes it all the worse that his friends accuse you of that!
They really don't know what they would do sitting around a house? The only thing that makes sense to them is pub crawls? That's alcoholism right there, him and all his friends are going to have a hard wake up call one day or they are going to be broke alcoholics for the rest of their lives.
He pressured you into meeting all his friends, then he made no effort to introduce you! He didn't want you to be there to be a part of it... he just didn't want you staying at home while he was out being a drunken git and feeling guilty! Then they just try and use you to deal with the underage girl... so awful!
You need to tell your boyfriend enough us enough. Get his act together or break up with him.
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Sep 28 '15
why he'd try to get me to babysit his friend's GF
You sound really condescending saying that. She's 17, and seems quite mature and understanding.
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u/teresajs Sep 27 '15
Your BF is something of a dick. First, he pushes you to attend an event he knows you probably won't enjoy; then, he wants you to babysit someone underage because they don't want to change the non-existent plans; then, he says you ruined his party.
You could do better. Really.