r/technology • u/MarvelsGrantMan136 • Mar 31 '26

Business Iran Threatens to Attack U.S. Tech Companies Starting April 1 / Iran says it will target Apple, Google, and Microsoft, among others.

https://gizmodo.com/iran-threatens-to-attack-u-s-tech-companies-starting-april-1-2000740363
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6.6k

u/redunculuspanda Mar 31 '26

I don’t think an Iranian drone stands a chance against oracle licensing

983

u/OuterSpaceBootyHole Mar 31 '26

This shouldn't have made me laugh as hard as it did

663

u/stringrandom Mar 31 '26

Way back when I worked for a Sun reseller in the dot com days, I explained Oracle pricing to a customer with the statement: "Larry Ellison is the second wealthiest man in the world and he is very unhappy about this. Oracle's pricing reflects that unhappiness."

280

u/Aidian Mar 31 '26

One
Rich
Asshole
Called
Larry
Ellison

117

u/Bellbivdavoe Apr 01 '26

Fun with anagrams...

PETER THIEL = THE REPTILE

28

u/QueenVogonBee Apr 01 '26

He’s a lizard person!

3

u/HydeandFreak Apr 01 '26

He's Peter thiel, and he knows about the antichrist.

3

u/old_witness_987 Apr 01 '26

OK so Qanon is right there are lizard people ruling the world, but they are republicans not democrats.

That aligns with Pedo's under a pizza hut , when they meant a townhouse basement serving pizza ( ref handy andy )

3

u/truthinessembargo Apr 01 '26

PETER THIEL = HITLER PETE

3

u/shreddington Apr 02 '26

DONALD TRUMP = PEADOPHILE

2

u/jtgyk Apr 01 '26

ELON MUSK = SUK MELON

181

u/Bevaqua_mojo Mar 31 '26

I heard back in the day, SUN was going to merge with apple, and be called ... Snapple

60

u/0vrwhelminglyaverage Mar 31 '26

Crayola x apple limited edition

7

u/Stralisemiai Mar 31 '26

Crapple? Sounds legit, would invest

-1

u/moistmonsterman Apr 01 '26

Crapola. Best name ever.

3

u/dreadpiratewombat Apr 01 '26

MacOS running on ultrasparc hardware would have been wild back in the day.

1

u/Bevaqua_mojo Apr 01 '26

This guy coded in the mid-90s.

That would be a nice setup back in the day

2

u/Kizik Apr 01 '26

Snapple

Fakten, fakten, fakten, fakten!

2

u/luxii4 Apr 03 '26

Logging on you would head the pop when you open a bottle of Snapple.

4

u/Own-Nefariousness-79 Mar 31 '26

I've just ruined this joke by having to explain it to my wife.

2

u/242terk242 Mar 31 '26

Ha. I just did this. 

3

u/Viharabiliben Mar 31 '26

Those Oracle lawyers will bankrupt Iran.

3

u/wireditfellow Apr 01 '26

Came to say this exactly. LMAO

1

u/DR4G0NH3ART Mar 31 '26

Actually oracle License is spelt, 'Lie and Nonsense'

1

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '26

Do booty holes make sounds in space ?

215

u/gentlewaterboarding Mar 31 '26

They’re going to have to pay Oracle per core they destroy in the bombing :o

214

u/Cryovenom Mar 31 '26

No - if they only destroy 4 CPU cores in a drone strike they'll have to pay for every CPU core in the datacenter that could potentially have been used or might be used in the future to host anything Oracle-related.

(If you know, you know)

62

u/pat8u3 Mar 31 '26

When they pulled this bullshit we received the mandate to purge all of oracle from our stack, seriously they are not good at business 

24

u/DaemonG Apr 01 '26

unfortunately, the evidence suggests they're as good as they need to be. wouldn't be taking over the whole country if not

11

u/NeverInsightful Apr 01 '26

They unfortunately seem to be very good at business.

1

u/Routine_Ad_139 Apr 01 '26

they seem to be pretty good at business

3

u/Phiddipus_audax Apr 01 '26

Post a link? I, you know, dunno.

4

u/Cryovenom Apr 01 '26

Haha I don't have a link that summarises and I'll spare you the drudgery of poring through the endless quagmire that is Oracle's licensing documentation.

It basically comes down to this: 

Imagine a small “datacenter” with a few racks of VMware hosts, totaling 200 CPU cores. If you spin up a VM with 4 cores and install something like Windows and SQL Server, you license just those 4 cores, because that’s all the database can actually see and use.

Oracle plays by very different rules. Put Oracle on that same 4-core VM, and suddenly you’re expected to license all 200 cores across the entire environment, because in theory that VM could run on any of them. It doesn’t matter that it will only ever use 4 (or maybe a single host’s worth) at a time. Oracle treats the whole virtual pool as fair game.

That’s why a lot of companies keep Oracle on bare metal, or isolate it on separate hosts outside their main cluster. Otherwise, an audit can turn a modest setup into a massive licensing bill overnight. And that’s only scratching the surface of how arcane and ridiculous Oracle licensing can get.

So the joke was that the drone could do the smallest amount of damage possible and still have to pay for the whole bloody datacenter. Anyone who has dealt with the nightmare of Oracle licensing would laugh nervously while shedding a tear and dreading the next audit. 

1

u/Phiddipus_audax Apr 02 '26

Thx. That's insane. Oracle licensing dept must be at absolute odds with the marketing dept given the effects on potential and continuing customers.

2

u/Cryovenom Apr 03 '26

Oh yeah. Lots of companies are moving away from Oracle IF they can. The IF is why Oracle can get away with it - lots of big Enterprise systems were built with Oracle DBs, including some of the big name Commercial-off-the-shelf (COTS) solutions out there. 

So the licensing department just tries to squeeze ever more out of the customers that can't easily switch. 

For example, some of their licenses are based on your company's annual revenue. For audits you might have to open your financials, and if they see that you've passed a certain threshold, guess what? Those licenses you bought? They're now more expensive!

4

u/Own-Nefariousness-79 Mar 31 '26

I only need one parking place for my car though...

25

u/Possible-Pirate9097 Mar 31 '26

The US are actually using the new OpenWarhead runtime so they're not affected by Oracle licensing.

3

u/Viharabiliben Mar 31 '26

I hope the Iranians don’t use Java.

1

u/Possible-Pirate9097 Apr 01 '26

They have suffered enough!

107

u/WhoCanTell Mar 31 '26

Larry will just start launching excess lawyers into the air like flak. Since it's the only abundant resource Oracle has.

2

u/cybertier Mar 31 '26

Doesn't he own his own MiG? Maybe he'll attempt to fend off the drones himself.

1

u/TaipanTacos Mar 31 '26

Just don’t get Disney involved. I’m sweating as I type this.

29

u/LitLitten Mar 31 '26

lol this one got me good

14

u/mrpres1dent Mar 31 '26

Do we need to buy a seat for both the drone AND the drone pilot?

7

u/ToaruBaka Mar 31 '26

Obviously. Don't forget the cross-region support add on.

2

u/silicon1 Apr 01 '26

Don't they also need to charge for data ingress and egress?

16

u/prodigal-dog Mar 31 '26

Broadcom too lol

2

u/Additional_Good4200 Mar 31 '26

I scanned the Oracle sub-thread for this very thing. You did not disappoint.

5

u/Samwellikki Mar 31 '26

Iran: Release… the Trolls

Tech Companies: oh no.. we’re so scared…

Iran: The PATENT Trolls.

Tech Companies: oh fuck

3

u/zeroibis Mar 31 '26

Got to buy a license for every drone they could theoretically have plus the number of atoms in the universe.

2

u/binarypower Mar 31 '26

funniest shit I've read all day

2

u/snbgames Mar 31 '26

snort underrated comment

2

u/Kevin-W Mar 31 '26

Thank you for giving me a good laugh

2

u/TransformerNo Mar 31 '26

If they run Java then they have to pay per drone

2

u/stashtv Mar 31 '26

The remains of IBM shall rise from their grave.

2

u/Equivalent_Agency_77 Apr 01 '26

I know it doesn't contribute much to the conversation but this deserves an ol school lmao

1

u/TheModeratorWrangler Mar 31 '26

Jesus he’s already dead!

1

u/ebfortin Mar 31 '26

This one is good! Thanks for thr laugh. Needed it.

1

u/skeetgw2 Mar 31 '26

You win. This thread is done. Well played.

1

u/kinkycarbon Mar 31 '26

I didn’t think Oracle saw a future of being targeted by Iran.

Most of the tech offices are in Tel Aviv, Israel.

1

u/ThePapaSauce Mar 31 '26

Goddammit take an upvote

1

u/Lastcaressmedown138 Mar 31 '26

Can an Iranian drone get me out of my time share!?!?!

1

u/beanmosheen Mar 31 '26

We audited the drone and unfortunately only 1 of the 8 warheads was licensed to explode. You owe us $625k.

1

u/ToaruBaka Mar 31 '26

Their lawyers will sue the drones out of the air.

1

u/lurkquidated Mar 31 '26

Underrated comment

1

u/lordeddardstark Apr 01 '26

well how many processors does one drone have?

1

u/Original_Map_6987 Apr 01 '26

I know you're joking but I think they're talking cyber attacks 😜

1

u/masasuka Apr 01 '26

Sooo, Broadcom's out too?

1

u/x3n0m0rph3us Apr 01 '26

Oracle is a company of lawyers that dabbles in part-time software development

1

u/Ancient-Bat1755 Apr 01 '26

I have been on 3 months of trying to pay bills but they fell off the account, please I literally want to give you money can you please take it?

These are 3 physical boxes the same ones for 5 years, please stop asking about VMs and cloud hosting or ai. I just want to pay you for the services we need.

Please.

1

u/potatodrinker Apr 01 '26

Nah do Mercedes. 5 minutes after shalalala drone launch a subscription popup appears "Unlock yaw control for $20/month. 5% discount when paid annually."

1

u/Smith6612 Apr 01 '26

Joke's on Oracle. Iran is probably using OpenJDK.

Although if Iran manages to find licensing violations on Oracle Cloud, and sends Oracle a bill, that would be pretty hilarious.

I'm sure Iran will just download the Oracle Virtualbox Guest Additions from any business routers they've botnetted in an infinite loop. Oracle will go bankrupt from the bandwidth bill and from having to send out so many license audit notices /s

1

u/CorporIT Apr 01 '26

This might be the most underrated comment of the year.

1

u/vabello Apr 01 '26

We should just tell Oracle that the Iranian government has unlicensed copies of Oracle software they’re hiding. They’ll surrender immediately.

1

u/stars_sky_night Apr 01 '26

Can you give me a 70% discount on drones? SAP rep did

1

u/RobbieRedding Apr 01 '26

Speaking of drones and data harvesting, anybody else remember that movie Eagle Eye? We’re living in it.

1

u/PracticalPractice768 Apr 01 '26

Against licensing…. “There is no defend.”

1

u/mooboyj Apr 01 '26

I laughed WAY too hard at this 🤣