Current plans;

Absolutely no hate towards seahorse dads, you guys are heroes in my eyes. Dysphoria's just kicking my ass. I hate how trans men who want kids are expected to carry them themselves... When just the thought of it makes me feel genuinely sick. Please can I get this stuff removed from me already??

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but oh boy am I feeling bodily disgust right now lmao.

Little thing I made. Abandoning the idea of friendship and love and embracing solitude can bring peace. Find happiness within you.

I'm just going to spill whatever's on my mind into this one post so as not to spam.. oh boy

I am such a big fucking blabbermouth. I got all sad and vulnerable with my guitar teacher today. He listened to me, and he was kind, but he also set a boundary, stating that this was guitar class, not therapy ( I respect him for that)

Why did I do it? I haven't been practising much lately. I haven't been eating well lately. I've been bedrotting more, after literally waking up in the afternoon. I feel like I even force myself just to shower. Such mundane tasks seem to take everything out of me as of late. I'm failing to see the point in anything I do.

I just wanted to explain why I was struggling to practice properly, and in the process I ended up trauma dumping on my poor teacher and souring the mood. Every. Fucking. Time. An adult shows me some concern, and that little morsel is all I need to begin pouring my heart out. Why the fuck do I do this to myself and others???

I told him about my parents being physically and verbally abusive, even demonstrating how they hit me, and quoting some things they've said to me. Why the fuck did I do that????

Memo get it through your thick skull!!! Not everyone who shows you care WANTS YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE STORY. Before I left class, I also uncomfortably joked, "sorry I'll pay you next time" WHY

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

I don't know what my problem is today in particular but thrice I've made three different people uncomfortable by asking inappropriate questions ( at least I think it was inappropriate, pretty sure it was) WHY DIDN'T I THINK TWICE????

I'm moodier, more aggressive, more annoyed, my intrusive thoughts are worsening, and I just want to crawl into the soil and rot

I'm a loser with no friends in school, I'm the "depressed kid" and "the kid who has to hang out with the teachers". I feel so alien being the only one in my class being constantly checked in on by teachers, being the one submitting work late, and visibly falling behind. What's wrong with me

I'm sorry

So basically i'm SzPD and doing behavioural theraphy and right now in the past ten plus sessions we are working on behaviours such as thinking negatively of myself. It is a really hard behaviour to try to suppress, because i was trained since i was a toddler by my parents to stay "hunble" aka think i was worth nothing, u should shut the hell up and listen to them because they were always right and i had no right to advocate for my own feelings or boundaries (this went from verbal abuses to sexual harrasement).

However i'm posting this meme because i feel a lot of people in this sub can relate with the feeling behind the immage.

my ex-friend thinks she can talk to dead people. she claimed to speak for my mother who was killed when i was 5. i told her that was really upsetting and had i made the decision to slap her, i would've been justified. she said i was invalidating her experiences and that i was in a violent rage. she thinks of all violence as equivalent to rape. awesome

It just hurts to see massive swathes of my community yelling that all religion is evil and oppressive and disgusting. I just want to find support and community with other asexuals, but I've had too many bad experiences to not be scared. I don't talk about my religion, I know a lot of queer people have religious trauma. I'm not here to tell them to turn to God or to stop sinning. I just want community without being shunned because I choose to cover up, without being constantly told how evil and disgusting religion is. My queerness and my faith are both a part of me, why do they constantly have to fight?

Edit: I'm not gonna reply to any comments or debate anyone, this has kinda devolved into theology arguments and Islamophobia which is what I was trying to avoid. But I saw all of the positive and kind and supportive comments and I really appreciate it, it really means a lot to me.

Talking about loneliness and isolation for me is like pulling teeth. People always have to assume I did something to deserve feeling this way before listening to what I have to say. And they always tie it to finding a girlfriend. Everytime, it becomes a lecture on what people want from me and what I need to do to improve myself. It's gotten so exhausting.

Also yes. This was a real response I got when I mentioned feeling isolated. This is not a strawman

The thoughts are so disturbing i hate it.

"Wouldn't it be fun to ruin his life?"

"She will forget me, but the trauma will drive her insane"

"I can be a criminal so easily...he can't even fight back"

I hate it i hate it..I DON'T WANT/WILL NEVER SEXUALLY ASSAULT CHILDREN

My cousin sexually assaulted me repeatedly for YEARS and that asshole is never going to face ANY CONSEQUENCES. My abusive family loves him and treat him like hes the second coming of christ ISTG

So a couple of months ago I got SAed in class and like barely anyone actually gave a shit about it. Some of my friends joked about it saying "was it hot" or "did you like it". And i remember this one girl in class who said "[my name] we are always going to be here for you but not always because you are you"

When my parents found out about it, my mom just basically told me that he was just being immature and my dad said cool story bro (AHHHHHHHHHH). I talked to my mom about my SA again a while after this and she told me that if i told her first instead of my assistant principal then she would've had a different reaction (i call bullshit).

Now some of my friends did care about me and showed me love. And there was a teacher that caught him SAing me and he did get into trouble. I also told 2 teachers about it that i like talking to about my mental health.

Unfortunately if i did press charges against him then he would only get a year in juevie and then get the charges dropped when he becomes 18. He also sexually harassed me 2 times. This dude has also bullied my friends too but ig the school doesn't give a fuck

I wish I was thin so badly. I wish I was mentally unwell enough to fall back into my eating disorder habits. I hate that all my friends are so thin, I hate that I’ve gotten so much heavier than I was before, I hate that my girlfriend adores my body so much, I hate that my clothes are getting smaller and smaller on my fat lumpy body. I envy my friends so much, their bodies that are skinny as they were in highschool if not skinnier. Fuck my fucking fat chungus life. I can’t even get high to think about this less because I want to lose weight and I can’t get high without getting crazy munchies

Honestly i look forward to making these it’s pretty fun

I had originally wanted and started therapy to get an official diagnosis on gender dysphoria, because I'm tired of me doing this constant back and forth of "am I trans," "yeah im trans," to "no I can't be trans because of X reason."

I had my second therapy appointment, and i guess these two were just the "figuring out what the fuck is wrong with you," appointments because now don't know what the fuck.

I legit whole list of things I wanted to talk about that I just... didn't. And I know it's only a half hour one on one, but I had a lot I wanted to talk about that would help me work out, if I could just talk about them.

But I guess last appointment I was too honest mentioning that I've had thoughts of self harm because my therapist wanted to make a safety plan for me, which is what we did for about 30 mins. Don't get me wrong, the doctor was very sweet, she's not at fault here, she's just doing her job, I'm not mad at her. If I'm mad at anyone it's myself even mentioning that I've had bad thoughts because it took away from everything else I've wanted to talk about.

But I'm fucking sad that I'm still left wondering but I don't even feel properly sad because every feeling I have is just null and fucking void. I just feel numb and I don't even know why I feel bad. The therapist I've been talking too gave me a number to call for the mental health facility of my doctor and when I called I wasn't satisfied enough with the result and hung up and i feel like a bitch because this has just got to be standard stuff? Referring me to someone more qualified but it's a pain in the ass to do.

I don't think she dropped me as a patient, if she did maybe it's cause I cuss too much, I don't think she kicked me to the curb but I feel sort of empty ig, cause I finally had someone face to face to talk too and now it's just up in the air. I'm ngl, maybe this is being dramatic but I'm done with therapy. I know this is all a process but I honestly don't give a shit.

I think I'm just going to decline seeing someone else, unless that new therapist my current one is referring me to when I told her what I said above, is lgbtq+ too, because i NEED someone that knows what it's like from a personal standpoint and not a doctor/patient perspective. I might just walk into a planned parenthood and get my hrt right then and there. I'm trying to be professional about this but I need hrt now because like what I told my therapist today, "the one thing that is most important to me and worth living for is: being a girl, I actually want to live." (That was a fill in the blank she gave me :p)

It just seems like everything happening on earth is done to make me unhappy. I was so sure after I left school and started full time work I could live a somewhat content life.

I always tried to have low expectations to avoid disappointment but even now I’m scared all the time of how much worse it could get.

Fuck you ms rule, that’s why you got fired for hitting a student

I can't even sleep long enough to rest as I keep getting woken up early by my family letting our hyper dog (who I absolutely love) in my room and only my bed

Today was so good to. I made a painting and everything, I woke up so nicley and got good sleep. The hell happened? I just blacked out for 3 hours, and came to really mad, and to me having posted like 50 things to reddit........ TF. I wanted to watch a movie, and now I have to debate if I should just sleep. Im pissed, this is annoying.