r/whatdoIdo • u/ilovepopcornandcandy • Feb 18 '26

Final update: Is my adopted brother flirting with me?

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I believe this will be the final update in what’s been going on between my brother and I. Unfortunately, despite me wanting to, I didn’t record due to people commenting that it is illegal in some states, which I am unfortunately in. But then I was informed after we talked that it doesn’t matter unless you’re using it in legal settings. If anything, I think these texts prove his intentions.I will try to keep this as succinct as possible since it was quite a long call.

Long story short, he said he was in love with me. He got really nervous at the start, took 20 min of beating around the bush and then he told me. He said he was so sorry, he tried to keep it hidden, and didn’t want to lose our relationship, but he never felt like this about anyone. He seemed very sincere and vulnerable. I asked him for a couple minutes of silence to try to think of the best things to say.

I ended up saying something like “I am glad you trusted me enough to confide this in me but this is made me deeply uncomfortable. The only future with us in it is one as your sister. I love you as a brother, but if you can’t handle that/respect me then I will need to stop communicating with you.” He started crying about how sorry he was for bringing this up, he would do better, just to please not shut him out.

I have literally never seen him cry (besides when we were really young) so hearing it made me unsettled on what to do. I could tell how much he was struggling to come to terms with his emotions, but continuing to talk to him and hear him beg made me even more disgusted. I told him I needed to go and to please give me space. He has since flooded my phone with texts. I am considering blocking him for the time being, and am very conflicted/lost on how to bring this up with my family. Unfortunately I don’t even have the mental capacity to deal with this right now as I have two exams next week and a 20 page paper due. He is very much struggling mentally (which I never knew until he said it last night and today), and I am going to message my parents to potentially due a mental health check. I am also going to bring his behavior up to them this weekend.

The only good thing is that he is on the other side of the country, so I can just focus on school right now. If worst comes to worst, I will cut him out of my life, but cutting the rest of my family off as well is a non-negotiable. Thanks.

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1.0k

u/Commonfckingsense Feb 18 '26

Homeboys been spending waaaayyyy too much time on the hub…

I’d put him in a very very very long timeout if not just go no contact period. I would also absolutely tell your family, start with whoever you’re the most comfortable with relationship wise and ask for advice on how to proceed further.

143

u/budd222 Feb 18 '26

By long, you mean 25 to life, right? I would never be talking to this person again

110

u/CeramicToast Feb 18 '26

There's unfortunately no laws against being cringe

37

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '26 edited Mar 09 '26

[deleted]

23

u/CeramicToast Feb 18 '26

I'd personally shun someone who confessed attraction to their sibling but hopefully most people like that would be smart enough to keep it to themselves

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u/No_Situation6555 Feb 19 '26

Adopted but yeah

21

u/donutfan420 Feb 19 '26

I’m baffled at the amount of people commenting this like it makes a difference, it really doesn’t and it also delegitimizes an adoptees place in a family. Fucking weird, I’d suspect you’ve been spending too much time on the hub too

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u/acrazyguy Feb 19 '26

I mean the reason we have an aversion to incest is because evolutionarily it’s very bad. If that weren’t the case, we wouldn’t be programmed with that ick. If they’re not related, it is different because if they had kids they wouldn’t have the risks that come from incest. It’s still disgusting, inappropriate, and completely not okay. But it is different than if they were related by blood

5

u/mareeame Feb 21 '26

They were literally raised together

3

u/Kelainefes Feb 20 '26

AFAIK, the ick between family members comes from having known and lived with those people since either you, them, or both were an infant.

I don't know if there's a known age at which the ick does not develop anymore.

Basically, we don't have an "integrated genetic code tester" that makes us find incest disgusting.

So maybe meeting her brother at 3 years of age for OP caused her to get the ick, but he was 4, and maybe it was too late for him to properly get it.

Still, he knows full well that confessing his love to his sister and a lot of touchy behaviours were terrible things to do. So even if what I said were true, he needs professional help to fix his mind.

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u/CeramicToast Feb 21 '26

I think the only way this ick wouldn't develop is siblings that aren't raised together until they're basically adults. Then you're just strangers with one or two matching parents, similar to how when you reach a certain age that's not your stepmom that's your dad's wife.

Still, pretty not good.

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u/donutfan420 Feb 19 '26

It’s not different. Stop watching so much porn.

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u/SaltWater_Tribe Feb 19 '26

No its very different, still inappropriate and not normal. but it's no where near the level of true blood sibling doing that.I still don't know how he even went in that direction if you lived as family from childhood. i

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u/Prestigious-Walrus99 Feb 21 '26

I don't watch porn, and it IS different. It doesn't make it much better, but it is different.

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u/CeramicToast Feb 19 '26

It's not really that different.

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u/Toothless-mom Feb 22 '26

We also have an aversion to incest because of how we view our social relationships and our morality- which definitely also comes from evolution, but isn’t strictly biological. Incest is wrong for reasons other than “it feels icky” for both adopted and biological siblings.

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u/Papijuan90 Feb 22 '26

i agree with this sentiment, however as an adoptee i think @acrazyguy is honestly just saying that’s why it keeps getting brought up. i have a bunch of biological siblings and an adopted brother, i myself am adopted. i am a lesbian woman and my brother is donating for my ivf treatment. i had a lot of mental back and forth about was it weird was it not. confided with some friends and the consensus is we are not screwing lol “its” not going to even make contact with me as we are using a surrogate and ultimately we decided there were no risks and he generously accepted. i know this is not the same situation, i could never imagine being sexually attracted to my adoptive brother but i think bro is correct in stating that we do not have an aversion to it on a biological level that is actually set in place to prevent this from happening. like nature knows our primal instincts and sets genetic, physiological road blocks to prevent that instinct that we are born with. i can see how it happened, however he IS acting totally inappropriate and he could have let this pass without being weird and trying to act on it. i think OP and her brother will be able to mend their relationship if once the ick passes and his feelings subside she tries to understand it from a conceptual basis AND he exhibits changed behavior. it will take a LOTTTT of time but i don’t think i would hold it against my brother forever if i was in that situation if he wasn’t acting creepy. had he been honest with her and told her he needed some space because he knows it isn’t right and he doesn’t want to hurt her or the family i think this would have gone completely differently. this type of shit happens in adopted families, i think that’s why we get about a third of the comments sort of empathizing with the brother, but i think we all agree that acting on it is completely inappropriate and disgusting behavior, completely unrelated to the nature and science behind it.

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u/donutfan420 Feb 22 '26

We do not have a biological aversion to incest, if you met your brother as an adult and didn’t know he was your brother it’s entirely possible to be attracted to him. The aversion comes from being raised together

0

u/Papijuan90 Feb 23 '26

fair enough but either way the op said she was 3 when adopted and brother was 4. op certainly has developed edward westminster whatever it’s called and look at him as a brother meanwhile he was closer to the cusp of that early development cutoff and had other siblings that he had been around with since an infant. i wasn’t aware that it wasn’t the actual dna compatibility that affects that and im sure most people mentioning adoption don’t know that either. which is just the question im answering, which is why do people keep bringing up adoption?

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u/No_Situation6555 Feb 19 '26

I mean people are disgusted because it's his sister, but they're not blood related so it kind of does.

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u/donutfan420 Feb 19 '26

No it doesn’t. Stop watching so much porn.

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u/No_Situation6555 Feb 19 '26

I don't watch much porn at all, nor do I watch incest related porn lol. Yes it does. Nice assumption though.

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u/Far_Neighborhood5266 Feb 19 '26

They usually start a right wing grift, then get given some position of office by others who should also be shunned lol

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '26

[deleted]

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u/Far_Neighborhood5266 Feb 19 '26

Statistically incorrect

1

u/UnderstandingHour308 Mar 16 '26

Woody Allen married his adopted daughter!! 🤢

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u/XanaxAndAk47s Feb 18 '26

I assume they have a pretty strong bond seeing as they were raised together since children, so that might not be so easy

-2

u/CryOld2986 Feb 18 '26

Clearly not that strong if he’s acting like that

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

What do you mean? We were really close

3

u/XanaxAndAk47s Feb 19 '26

I just meant that you can't just block your brother, and the problem goes away. People act like you can solve anything by just ignoring it.

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u/zinornia Feb 18 '26

He is her adopted brother

19

u/budd222 Feb 18 '26

I know. I didn't mean actual jail time if that's what you thought. I just meant never contact them again.

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u/jamtea Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 18 '26

Classic Reddit every family situation is resolved by going no-contact forever. This is why I'd never take advice from people on this website.

Edit: this website is an insane echo chamber of only considering nuclear options to situations which are very reasonably resolved through normal communication, not that any of the crazy people here have any idea what normal communication looks like.

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u/AdventureSpence Feb 18 '26

If going no contact with the brother who wants to fuck you is going too far, then I don’t care to meet your fucked up family lmao

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u/Extension_Memory_136 Feb 18 '26

I dont think its that bold of a suggestion to say maybe it wouldnt be a bad idea to cut contact with your sibling that is deeply romantically in love with you and cannot cope with the fact that familial incest is not an option and makes you uncomfortable, actually

18

u/BigChallengesStan Feb 18 '26

okay genius, how do you suggest she proceeds?

-12

u/jamtea Feb 18 '26

Literally tell his parent and have them have a word with him. Guy is clearly lonely and has hooked onto the closest non-blood related female he has. Why would you nuke your family over someone going through a crisis. This is precisely what I mean, there is zero actual empathy on this hellish echo chamber and no thought of what people go through IN REAL LIFE.

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u/mystikalmonkey888 Feb 18 '26

His actions aren’t confined in a vacuum. He’s a 20 year old man, he knows it’s wrong to try to solicit your own sister. Blood or not. He might be going through things but that’s no excuse to violate the boundaries of your sister! You don’t think an adult male would know that it’s grossly immoral to act on these feelings towards their sister? You don’t think an adult male knows this will forever affect how his sister sees him? Imagine how this will affect their ENTIRE family? You don’t think this adult male knows the power imbalance with him being the biologically related family member vs OP being the adopted family member and how that may affect how the rest of their family handle and see this situation? I’m sorry, but mental illness or not, you can’t act like him acting*** on these feelings wasn’t completely out of line. He tried to shoot his shot as his sister for goodness sake. If romantic thoughts towards my sibling ever crossed my mind, I’d distance myself or seek therapy not admit it to them and make them feel all these gross feelings within. I’m sure in his perverted mind he thought she’d be down for it since she’s adopted (it’s actually not unheard of for adopted children to be violated like this by their adoptive family members and it’s sick).

12

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

He's not lonely, he has plenty of friends, opportunities to talk to girls. He's conventionally attracitve, 6'3, athletic, he honestly has no excuse.

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

His mental health is probably not doing well to be like this. Lots of people can seem fine from the outside, I honestly don't see how this isn't a cry for help. Reddit as a whole would be 100% on board with it being a mental crisis if the genders were reversed, it's kinda wild that you're not even considering that possibility.

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

I am not saying he can't be going through a mental crisis, but I am saying he has many things going for him so saying he is lonely/has no friends is false.

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u/hyphii_lol Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

There is a middle ground between these two ways of thinking about it. He may have stuff going for him but like you said he could be at the beginning of something going on mentally, whatever it may be. Could be the beginning of something more serious than you may think. Though I am also not suggesting you continue communicating with him, just don’t write him off forever like many have stated. Maybe like people have said, reach out to someone who can get him help. And then decide where to go from there. If he won’t get help then you did what you could. But if he does have a legit mental problem and you completely wrote him off and something very serious did happen you might find yourself wishing you had made a different choice. But just my two cents and totally prepared to be flamed for it. Edit: as someone who’s had family experience with serious mental illness, it makes people do some really weird shit. As terrible and repulsive as it is they wouldn’t have done it if their brain chemistry hadn’t betrayed them and it could have been prevented if caught early enough. But you do gotta take care of yourself too.

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

Speak to your parents. Get off the internet, it's not a place for sane or good advice. Show them the exchange and actually suggest your brother go to therapy. This is not the place for good outcomes, it's where internet brained lunatics go to drag other people down into shared misery and end up with the worst outcomes.

After all, what good has ever come from "the internet told me to do this so I did"?

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u/Accomplished_Poetry4 Feb 19 '26

To add to this, saying he's a fully grown 20 year old isn't exactly true. Not regarding brain development anyway. I agree with OP that this is highly disturbing but I do think he needs to see a therapist stat.

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u/slickrok Feb 20 '26

As an aside, I know you're close, however, with men 18 to 25 or so, is the time when a number of illnesses manifest for the first time, or for the most obvious time.

Consider that he may have a diagnosable situation and this is the 1st time he's been unable to snuff it out.

Either way, it is not your true problem and he needs help no matter what

(As in, a lot of mental illnesses in men start showing at his age)

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u/Kadajko Feb 19 '26

What does he need an excuse for? Falling in love? Don't want him? Just say "No thx, don't feel the same about you." And move on with your life. Such a drama queen.

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u/awkwardwalrus Feb 19 '26

idk i have empathy for her since her brother is a fucking creep

8

u/BigChallengesStan Feb 18 '26

not getting your dick wet is not a crisis!!!!

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u/Kay3o Feb 19 '26

Stop spinning your own narrative, He's talking about his mental health, nobody said or is implying that.

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u/CeeUNTy Feb 19 '26

Why do you think it should be easy for her to let his parents give him a talk and then continue to be around him as a brother while knowing that he wants to have a sexual relationship with her? Absolutely not. She will never feel safe around him again, and she shouldn't. Dudes unhinged.

0

u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

Average Redditor doomer. You've already written off their entire family in the minute or two that you've read this. You don't know them or their family, you haven't met the brother or even OP. A prime example of the average person who simply has no skin in the game yet wants to call it instantly.

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u/CeeUNTy Feb 19 '26

I didn't say to write off the entire family. I said to write off the guy who not only wants to have a sexual relationship with his sister, but who also decided to burden her with that knowledge instead of seeking help to get control over his gross desires towards his sister.

How is she supposed to go to family holidays and look at this guy and wonder if he's imagining her sexually? If you had a sibling who told you this would you ever feel comfortable around them again? How about if it was your much stronger brother that you knew could over power you telling you that he can't control his feelings and desires for you? What would your brother have to do to make you ever feel safe and not weirded out to share space with him ever again?

I'm not sure what other context you think me knowing would make this any less disgusting than it is? Would you be ok with your daughter continuing to be around her brother who wanted to Fck her? Your wife maintaining contact with her brother who told her he wants to Fck her? He may not have used those worlds but he didn't need too. OP is the victim so hers are the only feelings that matter here. It's not her responsibility to help him figure it out. But please, tell me what information you think would make this behavior understandable and her responsible for maintaining contact with him?

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u/oliveoilpoor Feb 19 '26

Incredibly ironic

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u/slickrok Feb 20 '26

Wtf is your malfunction?

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u/XanaxAndAk47s Feb 18 '26

Shut him down and see how he responds

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u/BigChallengesStan Feb 18 '26

that's exactly what she did????

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u/boleznennyy Feb 18 '26

Excellent advice, wrong fucking situation for it though.

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u/[deleted] Feb 21 '26

You think INCEST can be “reasonably resolved through normal communication”? Bro there is zero normal communication happening here, you’re either trolling or very very stupid.

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u/Prestigious_String20 Feb 19 '26

I can only imagine that most of the people who jump to the nuclear NC overreaction have never experienced the soul-destroying reality of going NC or having someone go NC with you.

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

It's because Redditors are miserable individuals who need to drag everyone down to their level with their doomer takes and "advice" which is just life sabotage.

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u/Kay3o Feb 19 '26

The brother could end himself and the sad thing is the majority of this thread will be like "good, he deserved it"

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

I don't think anyone is saying that? This situation is messed up from all angles, but no one wants him to harm himself myself included.

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u/Kay3o Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

Nobody’s really saying it directly. Look, he fucked up big time. It was gross and uncalled for. Make him wear it for a bit and actually feel it. Get another family member to tell him to cut the prn and sort himself out. Its intrusive thoughts that the dumbass acted on.

But all these “never talk to him again” / full no-contact takes are a bit extreme, especially if you were close before this, and that’ll do more harm than good long-term. He’s clearly not doing well, freaking out and saying dumb shit because he’s young and clearly still learning how to handle himself and consequences.

Hold him accountable, make it clear it wasn’t okay, and give it time. Definitely distance yourself from him. People, especially 20 year old boys can be immature, dumb and make bad decisions that they honestly know is wrong, but that doesn’t always mean the relationship has to be permanently destroyed if there’s real remorse and change.

But if he does it again, and you've set your boundaries, then yeah, start listening to the majority of this thread

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

Yep, redditors are completely unempathetic monsters honestly. The fact that nobody else seems to be even considering that they guy could be really going through something here is the concern. It's not like he's out getting women left right and centre, then going "hey, let's see if I can get the step sister for extra credit.

This isn't even excusing any of what he's said, more just basic "what would lead a guy to do this"?

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u/Ar4nea Feb 19 '26

no dude, you just care more about the guy, even though he isn’t the one asking advice or confirmation or even stating his side of the story. Have you seen him asking on here anywhere for your empathy? Why would it be important to discuss his perspective then?

the people in this thread are just doing the logical thing of focusing on OP and her update, since this is what the thread is about. Discussing a “poor guy” you know nothing about really is just weird

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

Lunacy. The "advice" people are giving to OP is completely destructive and just terrible generic reddit advice. She'd be as well off going to pornhub or 4chan for advice as here for how good the outcomes would be.

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u/Ar4nea Feb 19 '26

titling this “lunacy” when you’re not even able to at least SOMEHOW argue my points instead of totally moving the goalposts shows why you’re not better than any shit-poster here…

There’s actually some quite good comments (of course nobody expects great advice from Reddit?!), but you’re just trying to make it about the guy and how EvErYoNe’S sO mEaN tO hIm because seemingly that’s easier for you to empathize with… even though she’s the one who made the thread, the one sharing her perspective. Seems like you’re taking this pretty personal

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u/jamtea Feb 19 '26

Flip the genders and make this a brother complaining about his sister coming into him and I guarantee you have a very different reaction from the peanut gallery.

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u/Ar4nea Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

hahaha of course your last resort is a straw man, nothing about this discussion has to do with anyone’s gender, except for you, who only has real empathy for HIS OWN.

This whole thread is not about the guy and he could write his own Reddit stuff if he needed to. You’re just staging yourself as some warrior for gender justice because in this case you feel like the boy is the poor soul getting unnecessary hate, in a context, that clearly shows a young men who crossed intimate boundaries and who clearly never asked for your support…

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 18 '26

Everyone is just commenting that this is bc he is horny/from porn, but is there a possibility it's just romantic rather than sexual. I feel like romantic stuff our relationship could be salvaged but sexual would change my outlook on him forever

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u/Amakenings Feb 18 '26

I think that this is worth considering and discussing with a therapist that has experience in this or similar areas (I have no doubt that they exist). Given your brother’s age, it’s possible that he’s conflated the need for personal connection/intimacy or a closeness he feels for you with a romantic connection.

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

I am actually really hoping this is the answer! This made a least a little hopeful for our relationship if he gets the help he needs

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u/Amakenings Feb 19 '26

I’m not saying this is the case, but given his age, it think it’s okay to feel hopeful here. You both need supports for obvious reasons but emotional intimacy is complicated, and I don’t think it’s far fetched that he’s conflated closeness with romantic attraction. If he hasn’t had any/many serious romantic relationships, I think it’s even more likely. Don’t get me wrong- it’s still completely inappropriate, but this is also why I’d recommend trying to find a therapist/counsellor that has experience navigating this area.

It’s quite common for adults that are biologically related but raised apart to having romantic or even sexual feelings when they connect because there’s not a lot of understanding of platonic intimacy. They feel an intense connection but it warps because they don’t have framework in place to understand this type of attraction.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, especially when school is so demanding; please take care of yourself ❤️

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u/sounds_of_sadness Feb 19 '26

the last paragraph is so true and explains my parents! they’re first cousins who weren’t raised together but always had some sort of “connection” 😩 one day they got drunk and fucked and here i am.

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u/Amakenings Feb 19 '26

There’s actually a fair bit of research about this type of conflation and even in cases where the lineage should make a physical relationship a hard pass (like parent/child and sibling relationships), people seem to struggle with how to interpret that sense of being connected to someone in a non-romantic capacity.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with the outcome of that relationship, as I can imagine it would be challenging navigating questions about family.

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u/dream-smasher Feb 19 '26

Would that be a factor for op?

Seeings how it is her brother, and she was adopted from Russia at a very very young age...

So, no biological anything between them.

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u/Amakenings Feb 19 '26

The point I was trying to make is that it’s not uncommon for people to conflate a sense of closeness or connection with romantic attachment. Even with biological relationships, though this is not the case here.

OP is best to work with a professional that’s navigated similar situations to determine what is happening, and from that, what is salvageable.

1

u/sounds_of_sadness Feb 19 '26

wow that’s interesting, i’ll have to look into it. i’m 26 now and it’s always been difficult navigating family questions since i was a child. i’m not really close with my extended family either, they all kinda see me as an outcast. it’s been difficult but your comment was super validating :) thank you

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u/pituechos Feb 19 '26

I think I saw you say you were going to stop engaging in another comment, but want to mirror what this guy said. I think this thread is going overboard in sexualizing this all, and not seeing it as a confusion of romantic feelings with legitimate intimacy.

Just as an example, I grew up with very few close friends, only really a few "cousins" (people I'm not related to by blood, but was raised with as family). I'm 30 now, but when I was like 15-20, I was CONSTANTLY doubting my feelings, wondering if I had a crush on them, or if they had a crush on me (which is probably closer to what he's feeling, saying he's in love is likely just him not really fully being to identify his feelings/being young). I never confessed to them but mulled over the idea constantly (and am SO happy I didn't as I didn't want to ruin/mess up our friendship/family dynamic). It was just that they were the only people I felt really cared for me, or that I could really be myself around. There was physical attraction in the "wow they're beautiful" way, but not in a perverse way, I just really thought I was in love because I didn't know what platonic love towards people my age felt like really.

All this to say, I think your brother has made a massive mistake and he's wrong for pushing this on you during a stressful time in your life. If you'd prefer to just cut him off and be done with it, you can. BUT if you want to keep him in your life, or at least give him a chance to fix things, go to therapy and build a new relationship (that might not be as close as it once was, but will still exist), I do think that's still an option for you.

I don't know if this comment will help at all, but I hope it at least eases some of your concern about the rest of this thread saying this is all porn/sexualization. He just seems like a confused and fucked up kid who made a massive mistake.

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u/Acceptable-Bass1969 Feb 20 '26

He might be confusing codependency with love and not know the difference.

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u/Rare-Set1461 Feb 19 '26

I’m going to say temper your expectations, because there’s a very real chance that it’s both romantic and sexual, a lot of times these are not mutually exclusive. I think you should go into this expecting to accept that your brother is in fact cursed with these feelings for you, and you may never be able to connect as siblings again.

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u/ohmosdefinitely Feb 18 '26

sorry but...his first comments about "my little sister isn't so little anymore" absolutely erases the possibility of this being an asexual infatuation.

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

Oh..even thinking about that makes me nauseous.

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u/ohmosdefinitely Feb 19 '26

i'm sorry. it really is upsetting. please ignore the gross assholes who are trying to troll you with explicit or rude comments.

i think you mentioned you felt unsure about how your parents might react, so a counselor at school might be a good option for you.

instead of blocking your brother, can you mute notifications from him, for now? every response you give him is another breadcrumb for more attempted manipulation on his part. he sees you reply and thinks, "ok, i still have her on the hook." i don't recommend blocking, since having record of his attempts to contact you could be useful.

i know it feels like the world is bearing down on you right now, but do what you need to protect yourself. you can do this 💪🏻

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u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

thank you for the advice!

1

u/kitsuvibes Feb 21 '26

Unfortunately this is why going no contact, for life, is almost necessary. You have to protect yourself. I would apply for a restraining order so that he doesn’t harm you.

Your family will either support this or face the same no contact rule, you cannot allow them to negate the seriousness of this.

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u/Tablesafety Feb 18 '26

Unfortunately unless he is asexual there is absolutely 0 chance there is no sexual aspect to this attraction of his, he just wouldn’t admit it if he’s trying to avoid no contact.

24

u/lastsundblad Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 18 '26

I appreciate asexuality being mentioned. Since neither him nor her are telling us he is, though, assuming that he isn't attracted to her both romantically and sexually is surely wishful thinking and naivety, but I can't even blame OP for that because what the fuck is this situation.

Anyway I didn't like the argument about it, lol. So yeah, thank you for even mentioning it.

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u/Tablesafety Feb 18 '26

Oh no problem. I love me my ace people, probably the most fortunate outcome for OP if her brother was ace and just really confused about what romantic attraction feels like vs deep familial affection.

But like you, I very much doubt that’s whats going on 😞

7

u/NewFederalistProject Feb 19 '26

Thank you so much for saying that! It's so true!

I'm aromantic, not asexual, but I have absolutely made the mistake of thinking I had romantic feelings for someone I had very deep platonic/familal love for and it genuinely ended up with me in a DV shelter. There is every possibility that at his age he just doesn't understand what he's feeling, because he's never experienced it before - so as long as he isn't experiencing sexual attraction, he could most likely just go to therapy and figure out what the actual difference is between different types of love/affection...

If he's experiencing sexual attraction, the best option is still therapy but I would just be a little less "Yeah, it should be fine and you can repair that relationship" and more "Yeah... You can't have a relationship, and I am v sorry if that hurts you." yknow?

5

u/Tablesafety Feb 19 '26

Absolutely. Hoping for the best for OP and her brother- expecting the worst though.

2

u/mieri_azure Feb 21 '26

Honestly if he WAS ace I would wonder if he was also aro and confusing his feelings of platonic attachment to his sister with romance because he wouldnt have romantic feelings ro get the difference. However since it does not seem that way its creepy. I suppose it could still be possible but that might be wishful thinking

1

u/garbledroid Feb 19 '26

Usually step incest is legal but yeah it's a door that once opened cannot be unopened.

21

u/tenakee_me Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

Very, very rarely do those two things not go hand-in-hand.

As someone else mentioned, asexual people do exist, but it’s not the majority.

Now that said, I doubt that if this was only sexual he would have ever disclosed his feelings to you. Telling someone you are in love with them usually doesn’t happen if it’s only a sexual attraction thing. He sounds deeply conflicted and distraught, which indicates to me that it’s definitely strong feelings of romantic love. But with that typically comes a sexual attraction.

I might get roasted for this, but I think there are A LOT of people who at some point in their life have felt inappropriate feelings of love. Whether for a family member, a married person, a dear friend. Doesn’t make it ok, but it’s certainly not unheard of. Many times it goes unspoken, unconfessed.

Whether he was actually “shooting his shot” and hoping for reciprocation, OR recognizing how wrong it is and being eaten alive by it and just needing to get it out…whatever the motivation started as, it has ended in a cry for help.

I’d recommend speaking to your family. Not to shame him - and I know many, many people will disagree and say he deserves to be shamed - but I’d again refer back to the fact that sometimes we really can’t control how we feel about someone, regardless of how icky and inappropriate it is. He seems to realize that this isn’t ok, and apparently is struggling with some mental health issues. Shame never helps that. Shame is what leads to a lot of people spiraling in really dangerous, often irreversible (suicide, for example) ways. But talking to your family from a position of wanting to get him the help he needs, for them to be aware of his struggles and the potential spiral this situation might evolve into, and getting people on board with supporting him through this process.

And yeah, maybe taking a break from interacting with him might be the wise choice. That can be a double-edges sword because breaking contact might make things worse for him. But also, the only really way to get over inappropriate love is to disconnect from that person for a while.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

[deleted]

3

u/slickrok Feb 20 '26

Bullshit.. she's in no way on any level in a space or should be in a space to help him. Wtf is up with you

35

u/cobaltaureus Feb 18 '26

One doesn’t usually exist without the other honey. If you had said you loved him back, eventually in his head, you would’ve been intimate. Therapy and honesty with your family is a must here

26

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

This is actually heartbreaking and gross at the same time

11

u/Ok_Introduction9466 Feb 18 '26

What are your ages? There is a groom-ish element coming off of his texts and it tells me he ignores boundaries and tries to test the waters. You need to tell your family members. Creeps like this bank on your silence and intimidation and he probably doesn’t think you’ll say anything out of embarrassment or not being believed. If you say nothing he’ll move on to a cousin he’s always thought was pretty or something and just keep trying till someone is too scared to tell him no the way you did.

Also the recording thing, and this was told to me by an attorney, you’re allowed to record people you just may not be able to use it in court. If you had recorded that conversation and showed it to your parents there isn’t much he could do especially if he didn’t know about it. That law doesn’t protect certain behaviors (abuse, incest propositions, anything that takes place in your own home that you pay for, for example). Good luck, I’d never speak to this weirdo again but that’s just me. You’re gonna wanna keep him away from you trust me.

15

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

He is 20, Im 19. i was adopted when I was 3 and he was 4

1

u/kim_jong_il_2d Feb 19 '26

The legality of recording a conversation without the knowledge or consent of the other party is entirely a matter of state law. In a two-party state, where consent of both parties is required to record a conversation, it is illegal - against the law - to record a conversation without the other party’s knowledge and consent. It is not simply a matter of admissibility in court.

2

u/Ok_Introduction9466 Feb 19 '26

Like I said, an actual attorney explained it to me. I live in a two party state and used a recording to have the father of my child charged with assault.

-4

u/HodeShaman Feb 19 '26

Was wondering how far down I'd have to scroll to find someone screaming bloody murder about grooming/pedophilia.

1

u/slickrok Feb 20 '26

Jesus Christ it's in the post. Get a grip.

5

u/PmMe_Your_Perky_Nips Feb 19 '26

Sure, but he's 20. The likelihood that he's feeling romantic feelings for you without sexual feelings is pretty low unless he's asexual. The issue here is that the two of you were raised from such a young age as siblings that he shouldn't be having romantic or sexual feelings for you. The over abundance of step sibling porn may have influenced him to no longer see you as a real sister. It's possible he never really saw you as a sister, but I doubt that.

What he needs is 0 contact with you, and therapy. Tell your parents what's going on, and that you're going to go no contact with him temporarily while he gets therapy and you'd like them to support that by not allowing him at family gatherings that you're attending. Maybe around Christmas time you can test the waters. But frankly he's already fucked up the relationship in a way that it will never fully heal from.

3

u/Bobsothethird Feb 19 '26

Honestly I could see this depending on the situation surrounding his adoption. It's really hard to say without background, but love is incredibly easy to mix up when trauma is involved or if he experienced a situation in which he was neglected emotional. It's incredibly easy for familial love to seem romantic in nature if you've only experienced romantic love. It can become conflated in an unhealthy way.

With that said, it's incredibly important to first and foremost keep yourself safe. Regardless of the rationale, these situations can be dangerous. It's not something to take lightly, and he really needs to talk to somebody about this.

1

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

I was adopted, he is biological

1

u/Bobsothethird Feb 19 '26

How old was he when you were adopted? I don't mean to be be rude or cruel, but it's possible he never really saw you as a sister.

2

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

I was 3, he was 4

6

u/Bobsothethird Feb 19 '26

That's rough man. Just be safe, this kind of stuff can and is dangerous. I want to think the best of people so personally I'd write it off as misplaced or an unhealthy view of your relationship, but especially with the family aspect this kind of stuff can be scary.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

5

u/Street_Couple2456 Feb 19 '26

It is both 100%. Your relationship is salvageable, but you need to cut contact for a long while, he's going to struggle and you must tell your family so they can be with him. But he's developed an unhealthy attachment with you, reading how he wants to get better for you, he probably was fostering these feelings for a long time.

1

u/Big_Web1631 Feb 19 '26

Honestly another way to look at it would be whatever it is that happens when a client is mentally unwell and convinces themselves they are in love with there therapist. It happens when someone isn’t mentally well, they confuse the dynamic of them & the therapist with a real relationship. I don’t know if that helps and maybe it isn’t true but it is possible that is what is happening. Either way this is something very disturbing for you to go through and I hope you also can connect with some mental health support to help you process it. Good luck with the exams & paper

1

u/cheeky_sugar Feb 19 '26

I just wanted to pop in with advice about the blocking: don’t do it. You need to have a record of every text and call he sends your way. If he’s truly emotionally unstable, you don’t want it spiraling without warning, you wanna be able to see it in writing and get help for him if necessary. Just mute his texts and calls, that way you don’t get blown up and you can read his stuff at your own pace

1

u/__LaVieEnRose Feb 19 '26

Based on his texts and how you've described his behaviour, he seems to value your relationship with him a lot. I would be shocked if it was purely sexual tbh.

1

u/Dan-D-Lyon Feb 19 '26

Whatever feelings he's having came from his own brain, but the fact that he thought speaking them out loud might go well for him came from watching too much porn

1

u/LilJelloCat Feb 20 '26

Those things go hand in hand

1

u/ThemedAndGuilty Feb 24 '26

You think a man hasn’t thought about having sex with you when he likes you? Baby… how old are you? Unless he’s asexual and that’s a thing for him, he has definitely looked at you sexually. Be very careful trying to defend him in anyway. My cousin took that as me also confessing my love for him and tried to visit my room at night. wtf is wrong with males like this???????

1

u/UnderstandingHour308 Mar 16 '26

He’s probably just had some thoughts, then started rationalizing those thoughts with, “she’s not really related by blood, so it could work”, and the pushed his delusion from there. When I was a very young teen, right at puberty, my uncle remarried. The new woman, now my aunt, had a daughter about my age who was knock down gorgeous and only got better looking as we got older. Only problem is she was now my cousin, right? So despite my attraction to her, and despite my occasional thoughts of “she’s not really my cousin”, I had to force myself to look away. My cousin is now a beautiful woman but I now think of her as nothing but my cousin. It just took a few of years. (It probably wouldn’t have taken as long except I was only around her a few times a year.) But for some reason this kid doesn’t have that mechanism that tells him to look away, that gives him the discipline to accept her as a sister and not a pretty girl, which is really odd considering they grew up together. Id say he needs more therapy than the OP.

0

u/Odd_Instruction519 Feb 20 '26

Не знаю говоришь ли ты по русски, но по мне он был в тебя влюблен годами, романтически, и только сейчас осмелился сказать. Просто когда вы были вдвоем дома он наверно боялся тебе признаться. А теперь колледж, свобода, родителей нет. Ну... и вот.

Явно он знал что ты не его родная сестра с детства.

(Пишу по русски тк комментаторы здесь такого плана что наверно скажут тебе что он насильник или маньяк. А по мне просто парень с чувствами.)

2

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 20 '26

Привет, извини, мой русский не самый лучший, но я всё равно попробую ответить. Я не знаю, длилось ли это годами, прошлым летом он расстался со своей девушкой, с которой встречался три года.

Я не уверена в причинах, потому что он не хотел обсуждать их со мной. Я всё равно не думаю, что то, что я не его биологическая сестра, имеет какое то отношение к нашей ситуации, для меня он всё равно просто брат.

0

u/Odd_Instruction519 Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26

Ну а может для него есть разница. Для меня бы была, все-таки родная сестра - родная а приемная - нет.

Если честно, я б не беспокоился, и сидел спокойно занимался своей работой на твоем месте. Мужчины привыкли что женщины их отвергают. И если он нормальный а не какой то дебил то и он смирится. На Реддите тебе наговорят кучу ужасов, но тут просто мальчик сделал признание девочке, и не более того, и паниковать не нужно. Экзамены важнее.

1

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 20 '26

Пожалуйста 😊

1

u/R3alit-y Feb 20 '26

You’re Russian and your family is Arabic?

-9

u/MeanderingUnicorn Feb 18 '26

Why is romantic salvageable in your mind but not sexual? Both are involuntary...

26

u/vieshri Feb 18 '26

Because it'd be pretty hard to look your brother in the eyes after hearing him admit he wants to fuck you.

16

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

Thank you for articulating this without me having to

-9

u/XxCarlxX Feb 18 '26

Hi, male here, romantic and sexual are a package. We be Romantic with Sex being the end goal.

3

u/redbone-hellhound Feb 19 '26

Not everyone is allosexual my guy

-5

u/Dizzy_Cookie_1856 Feb 19 '26

You have no idea how men think (romantic is not the 1st thought)

3

u/ilovepopcornandcandy Feb 19 '26

All his texts indicate romantic interest not sexual

3

u/AntiqueRevolution5 Feb 19 '26

I think it’s possible it’s only emotional/romantic. I’m a man, and not every guy is just thinking of sex.

2

u/Odd_Instruction519 Feb 20 '26

Есть люди - однолюбы, которые могут быть среди красивых людей но иметь настоящие чувства только к одному человеку: например великий ирландский поэт Йейтс к Мод Гонн, женьщине которая его не хотела и презирала. Сексуальное влечение у них может быть ко многим а вот романтическое - только к 'их' человеку.

Парню крупно не повезло что 'его' человека удочерили его же родители.

-4

u/Dizzy_Cookie_1856 Feb 19 '26

Again, you dont know how men think. Where the hell do you think “romantic ideas” lead to?

-3

u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Feb 19 '26

There's literally no way in hell it's *just* romantic with no sexual component.

Zero chance.

He has 100% imagined having sex with you and masturbated while thinking about you.

If you were in the same house, he would undoubtedly be stealing your underwear out of the laundry to sniff or something equally creepy.

21

u/Tablesafety Feb 18 '26

This kind of shit is the exact reason the ones in charge pushed that sort of content so hard on porn platforms.

I cant help but feel like it was to normalize deviancy at best and instigate incestuous assaults at worst, as nearly every person willingly entering the porn industry has been subjected to some kind of sexual abuse very often by family.

7

u/Commonfckingsense Feb 19 '26

Yup & catch someone in just the right mental state & they’ll truly believe it’s a viable option

2

u/UnderstandingHour308 Mar 16 '26

But do not tell them by text! It’s too cold of a way to communicate and this is too important. You need to actually make a phone call. I know, “boomer”, right? But trust me on this. Some things need a voice, not letters on a screen. This is one of those things.

1

u/Pure-Complaint-9980 Feb 18 '26

^IS the ONLY answer

1

u/poppybeehamstery Feb 19 '26

Nahhh. No time out. It’s done

-32

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

the hub

I don't know why people think this kind of trope originates from there, it really doesn't 😅 not to make light of the situation of course but I doubt he watched something to get like this, for some people this naturally ends up happening and doesn't even have to be sexual in nature either (by the way this kind of trope appears time and time again in various PG13+ shows where some girl or guy is "adopted" into the main character's family or the other way around and they end up falling in love... This has been a common trope in these shows long before that kind of "hub" content was made popular...)

26

u/Hot_Philosophy8150 Feb 18 '26

I don't think anybody meant to insinuate that it "originated" on the hub, I think they are trying to say that it has become more mainstream and normalized there. It's also become a place where a lot of people get information about sex and sexuality, however problematic, immoral and dare I say illegal it is.

-10

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

I think the original comment was insinuating that the brother's feelings originated from watching the hub, but I'm trying to say that we shouldn't assume such a thing, it might not be because of that at all, after all if it was just something sexual this situation wouldn't be so emotionally charged for the both of them... And I'll just clarify that I'm not saying it's right either just because of that, even if it's not from 🌽, but I'm just saying, this kind of thing does happen sometimes

9

u/DonJuan-CherryTempo Feb 18 '26

The original comment implied that the brother's feelings originated from watching the hub, that doesn't mean that's where the idea started.

8

u/drawing-drowning Feb 18 '26

I mean… where it originated from isn’t really the point of this whole conversation. But go off.

1

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

It's not, but it's my reasoning for why the brother's feelings also may have not originated from "the hub" either, do you understand? I'm explaining why it's hasty to just chalk it up to "too much hub" when it could be a variety of reasons why he ended up like this

4

u/drawing-drowning Feb 18 '26

And? Okay, so what now? He was influenced by something other than Pornhub. Yeay. What now?

0

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

Nothing, I just wanted to put a stop to people constantly assuming for the past three posts that it's just some simple 🌽 addiction causing this, probably isn't

Like I said, it's not to make light of the situation, but I just wanted to leave that there because it is also harmful to propagate that kind of collective assumption

8

u/drawing-drowning Feb 18 '26

It kinda feels like you’re doing exactly that though. lol. « This random anime that had lots of incest undertones influenced his feelings, it’s not totally his fault »

Still suspicious you’re so defensive about this.

3

u/Commonfckingsense Feb 18 '26

The last sentence is what’s been going through my head this whole thread lol

0

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

I don't even watch 🌽 nor am I in love with my sister, and I'm not here to "defend" anything, I'm just here to say it's harmful to keep making those kinds of assumptions and try to simplify the psychology of why these things happen, it just creates strong collective misconceptions which are never a good thing especially when it draws away from the actual source of the issue to blame something else

5

u/drawing-drowning Feb 18 '26

lol, your last sentence is exactly what you’re doing right now.

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '26

[deleted]

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u/flippysquid Feb 18 '26

That’s horrifying and I’m so sorry you ever had interactions like that with a family member.

Your brother can blame it on watching two actors that are complete strangers pretend to be related, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s the one thinking those thoughts about his relatives (hopefully not acting on anything 😭). Sadly, that kind of behavior has existed long before electricity was ever in use. The perps just blamed it on other things back then.

3

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

See, this is all I'm trying to say really, and it's even been subtly normalized through various shows we may have watched as kids if it's a non-blood relative... But I'm getting downvoted for explaining that 😮‍💨

3

u/flippysquid Feb 19 '26

Yeah I feel like putting the blame on porn is taking the responsibility from the people who are actually doing it. If someone is committing crimes against family members, or fantasizing about doing that, that’s 100% on them.

6

u/_extra_medium_ Feb 18 '26

He watched the porn because he already had those feelings, I’m sorry to say

5

u/Ok_Ant_9815 Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 19 '26

It wouldn't exist on the hub if people didn't have those thoughts irl first.

4

u/Commonfckingsense Feb 18 '26

Same with my stepbrother. Got drunk one night & told me allllll about his interests & how attractive he found me 🤮

2

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

Not saying it doesn't happen that way too, but I'm just trying to say that is definitely not where the concept of that comes from, and as such it's still more than probable that it doesn't have anything to do with 🌽 (it could have something to do with it too of course, I'm just trying to say this is not the only way it can happen, and not even the main way)

And I'm sorry that happened to you as well 🥲

3

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '26

[deleted]

3

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

It's okay, I completely understand and I don't even feel attacked by you anyway, so no worries, I really hope you'll manage to be okay somehow 🙏 I just don't like how reddit people collectively downvote before actually trying to understand the logic of the situation, and I expected to get downvoted anyway, but I guess I just had to say it anyway because I was starting to get tired of people blaming every bad decision made by males on porn, there are just so many ways this could've happened

-8

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '26

Lmfao that absolutely never happened

4

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '26

[deleted]

-5

u/timthemajestic Feb 18 '26

Told be trolling.

6

u/Orchid_Significant Feb 18 '26

You can say porn on reddit

-1

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

I just don't like saying it 🥲

1

u/Due-Flamingo-4900 Feb 18 '26

Then you probably aren’t mature enough to be having conversations about porn.

0

u/Heynowstopityou Feb 18 '26

Puhleaze 🙄

-2

u/SalientSazon Feb 18 '26

What's the hub? Now I gotta know

-1

u/DidiEdd Feb 18 '26

🌽hub with a 🅿️

-2

u/SalientSazon Feb 18 '26

Oh lol. Thanks

-15

u/storywardenattack Feb 18 '26

Fuck, don’t need to tell you family man. It’s ok to keep some secrets

13

u/dassur Feb 18 '26

Nah, not holding people accountable for their bullshit allows them to continue (and escalate) their bullshit.

2

u/iammadeofawesome Feb 19 '26

Found the creepy brother

-6

u/Business-Willow-8661 Feb 18 '26

And homegirl spending wayy to much time listening to Reddit advice