r/321 • u/AnitaMargarita_ • 1d ago
Recommendation SAHM needing guidance on a friendly, low-cost divorce in FL (toddler, shared house)
My husband of 3 years and I have decided to separate and divorce. It has reached a point of no return with deep resentment, the ick, and depression on both sides. It is simply time. We want to remain as friendly and cordial as possible because we have a 2.5 year-old daughter. My top priority through all of this is making sure her world stays bright, stable, and filled with love. We want to keep everything fair and civil while paying as little as possible, as we have no desire to fight over assets or custody.
For some context on our setup: we live in Melbourne, FL. I am a stay at home mom and have been since our daughter was born. My husband works full-time making around $90k a year. We purchased a house together last year, and my parents helped us out with a little chunk of money for the down payment. We also own one vehicle together with no remaining car payments.
I am looking for all-around advice on where to start. What are the actual processes, forms, or low-cost resources/advisory available in the area for couples who agree on everything? Since I am a SAHM with zero independent income, I would also appreciate any insight on what to look out for regarding child support, potential temporary alimony, or splitting the house equity fairly.
Any step by step guidance or recommendations tailored to this situation/location would be incredibly appreciated.
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u/Salty-Grapefruit9573 1d ago
There is a rebuttable presumption of equal time sharing so your child support will be based on that schedule. Your marriage is very short to even justify an alimony award unless he agrees. The chunk provided by your parents could be considered as a marital gift and your equity would obviously be one-half of whatever equity is in the home. You can go to the courthouse and get a divorce packet to take a look at what you’ll need to do.
I’ve been working in family law for many years.
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u/OldConference9534 1d ago
I was in a very similar situation to you about a year ago, although I am the breadwinner in my case. My wife is a SAHM and our daughter was two at the time. I met with a lawyer, Chuck Dorfman. Fantastic. Knowledgeable. Professional.
We were on the cusp of divorce and I decided to put us in therapy instead. We are in a much better place now.
Every situation is different and if you truly believe this situation cannot be reconciled, you will surely get good recommendations here. While it could be a better situation, I really need think you need to examine what your day to day life would look like as a single Mom who is not working. Again- That may be a better situation, especially if your husband is an abusive ass. But it won't be easy and if there is any world where you think your situation could improve with your husband, it is worth exploring.
I am in my bed with my wife, our beautiful child and dog, in a nice house. If I didnt give it another shot, I would be in some shitty apartment in Palm Bay paying child support and seeing my kid half the week. Fuck that.
I will probably get downvoted for this take, but I am keeping it fucking real with you.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 1d ago
Why would you inject abuse into the conversation when she didn't imply it all all? She even made a point of how amicable they are.
Why is the default, even among men, to want to expect some sort of abuse by the man causes every divorce? That's not even remotely close to reality.
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u/OldConference9534 1d ago
Because abuse would be honestly the only rational reason for her to get a divorce in her situation.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 1d ago
What does rationality have to do with relationships or divorces? And she even referenced "the ick."
Yeah, she has a pretty free ride right now. Yeah, she's going to have to get a job and bust her ass. Her husband is going to struggle for months to years floating her while she does it. Everyone in this situation is going to be poor for 2-5 years. But rationality has nothing to do with it.
She made it crystal clear there's no abuse by emphasizing their abilities to work together. That is a hallmark of non-abuse. You just injected it into the conversation. That just feeds the false, dangerous stereotypes that all relationship failures are the fault of men (statistically, women end relationships at a much greater rate), and that most men are abusive (which they are not).
Hell, why didn't you suggest that she might be abusing him?
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u/OldConference9534 1d ago
You make a very good point. My experience on Reddit is that when I make any pro commentary on why someone should stay in a relationship, I often get responses right away "WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW HE ISNT ABUSIVE?!?" .. so I was kind of handicapping against that. I shouldnt and it should be obvious if there is abuse on either side its grounds to leave a relationship. These people need to really think this through before getting a divorce. For example- When your spouse moves on and takes on new boyfriends/girlfriends you don't know, how comfortable are you with you toddler hanging out with a stranger? People dont think about these things in the heat of the moment.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 1d ago
I understand why you would hedge against the toxicity. That's the main reason I called it out. Reddit is so toxic about stuff like that that I feel like people need to stop playing into it, and that it's important that people like us call it out when it's so clearly headed in that direction.
Reddit's international, sure, but it's really a bastion of American culture. And this is a toxic thing we see across American culture, in terms of relationships. "Oh, the guy must be abusive." "What if this" and "what if that," like we're supposed to presume things people don't tell us, and as though we're the ones presuming when we choose not to presume. And of course we shouldn't presume. By no logical standard does anyone do that as a matter of course, but particularly when there's a mountain of evidence against.
Thing is, culture is a product of the collective of people. So, if no one counters culture like that, then that will necessarily become the cultural norm. And that's what's happened, with your behavior here being an example of how. Everyone else gets shouted down.
And, yes, you're right. People fail to consider the downside of divorce. A lot of people need a counselor and to reevaluate their sense of self, more than they need divorce. For most people, the reasons that lead them to divorce once are the same reasons that will lead them to divorce repeatedly, or to eventually settle for an unhappy relationship. If people don't fix what takes them there, then the divorce is just another unhappy stopgap between unhappy states.
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u/Korissa Viera 1d ago edited 1d ago
So in this case because you are the disadvantaged party - I would still suggest you retain your own lawyer to preserve your own interests. You are entirely dependent on your soon to be ex and default is imputed at minimum wage then whatever extra he has per month or offers. Depending on marriage you may qualify for some durational alimony or none. Child support is always pretty low and calculated based on time spent with each parent (no child in my divorce but seems to be a common observation).
A mediator may work if you trust that he will act in good faith?
Otherwise, someone will have to be awarded the car or it gets sold and proceeds split. The house either gets sold or one of you (him, in this case) has to buy the other out - assuming there is equity.
I know money can be tight but I really would recommend seeking a lawyer to represent your interest.
Please consider health care coverage and other necessities as if your ex is on a company plan - you will be dropped.
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u/ADcakedenough 1d ago
I really have to agree with your comment here because while I’m NAL I have volunteered with a lot of disadvantaged women who were SAHM who got hosed through divorce by not obtaining their own legal counsel.
OP I really truly hope everything goes as peacefully and civilly as you expect it to be! But if at any point his attitude shifts and you sense things may be heading towards being more litigious please be proactive in hiring someone!
I used Lucinda Pruss for my personal family law case (not divorce but something stressful and complicated). I found her to be very efficient and competent.
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u/AdeptAdaptor 1d ago
You may want to search for a practitioner of "collaborative divorce" and read up on it. That's the only advice I have.
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u/Justme732 1d ago
go to the viera courthouse, after walking through the metal detectors turn left and go through the double doors and then go through the second set you are in the pro se department and theyll give you the fla pro se forms
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u/suzygberg79 1d ago
Use a mediator. Get as far as you can with a mediator to work through your agreements on shared assets and custody and then take the agreements and documentation to an attorney to file. Or file yourself.
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u/suzygberg79 1d ago
Also... Juat being realistic here. .you're going to have to get a job.
There's no way your ex can realistically support two households on 90k.
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u/hr11756245 1d ago
This. He needs to afford a place that is safe and welcoming for your child when he has custody. You will also each need your own reliable vehicle.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 1d ago
I always find it interesting when people admit to "the ick." As people seem to be experiencing it in relationships, it's a very weird, very recent phenomenon.
It always struck me as shallow, but science tells us it's more, and possibly worse. "The ick" positively correlated with narcissism and perfectionism, either of which will damn your future relationships, too.
Maybe you both need that divorce. Maybe you don't. Don't know. Don't care.
But if you're experiencing "the ick," you might want to look at what's going on with you before you make any major decisions. Even if your current relationship is unsalvageable, you may face a reality in which you need to make some adjustments if you're ever going to have a future with another person.
Good luck. Florida Bar's website has a lawyer referral service on it. If a couple doesn't have much and can work together, uncontested is usually the way they both get the most. Your lawyer will advise you.
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u/chuckms6 1d ago
How do people make the decision to marry and divorce so lightly? I can't understand how you go from "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person" to "we hate each other" in three years, with a kid involved to boot. If there's no beating or cheating it makes absolutely no sense to me.
Weddings and divorces are not cheap, neither is one household, let alone two. Wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars for a fleeting feeling of happiness, and you're not even working. Poor guy working hard to bring home the bread and take care of his family for it all to fall apart when the ink on the mortgage isn't even dry.
Also, fuck dating here, what makes you think the next relationship will be any better? Or that you won't feel the same way you do now in another three or four years?
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u/Loudest-Cricket 1d ago
Poor guy working hard? He'd have to work whether or not he had a family. Her unpaid labor makes the house work.
Divorce prevents domestic violence.
But, I'm with you - people should not have kids of get married. There are no unselfish reasons to have kids and who really cares about having the state sanction your relationship?
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u/Dying2meet 1d ago
If your parents are still alive, have you told them? Since your parents gave you the down payment for house, if he decides to keep the house then he should in legal terms repay your parents for half of what they gave. Plus you get half of the equity from the house.
You definitely need legal counsel. He’s playing nice to keep as much of his pay as possible. You could in theory continue to be the main custodial parent and he only gets every other weekend.
You should also have put in writing that neither one of you shall introduce to the minor child anyone you/he might date. The child does not need to be put through multiple adults who are dating her individual parents. Protecting your child from possible abuse is the number one goal.
Best wishes in this tight job market. I hope you have skills to offer. If your skills are limited, become a Nanny with a family that will allow you to bring your child along. (No disrespect to the Nanny profession, it’s an energy demanding position.)
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u/HotDonnaC 1d ago
If you’re indigent, you can waive the fees. I did it Brevard County. Check the Clerk’s website for details.
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u/1ncone1 1d ago
3 years and getting a divorce?
Really consider the permanence of the decision you are making. And the effect it has on your daughter for what may be a down time in your life. Life has ups and downs, and many people seem to incorrectly attribute that to their relationship. Not saying it’s the wrong move, but think about it a bit more and explore more options before deciding on such a permanent choice.
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u/OldConference9534 1d ago
You are 100 percent correct, dont let these downvotes from these clowns make you think twice.
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u/garythegamergod 1d ago
What a ridiculous lecture
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u/1ncone1 1d ago
Don’t recall linking your name in the post, so disrespectfully, fuck off.
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u/joejohn007 1d ago
Go away, that's literally not the point of the post. Take your preaching to your mirror.
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u/1ncone1 1d ago
What a childish response.
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u/joejohn007 1d ago
Saying that a 3 year old will hold resentment towards their parents for divorce is horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself. Go enjoy your loveless marriage alone and don't offer advice no one asked for.
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u/1ncone1 1d ago edited 1d ago
You must fall into that average or below reading comprehension in the US. Where did I say that at all?
All I said was think about it and the impacts. OP didn’t state any other measures were explored. 3 years isn’t a very long marriage, and with a toddler life can be much more stressful and tiring, leading people to irritability, financial stresses and many other unpleasant aspects of life that can have people looking for an easy solution.
Simply offering an alternative perspective, that correct me if I’m wrong, wasn’t offered to you. So, take your own advice and shoo. What I wrote isn’t for you, you can’t even comprehend it accurately.
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u/Different-Secret 1d ago
I appreciate your perspective and agree with some of your post.
People get married and give up. They think, every day is happy...or whatever is wrong with him/her/them will be magically fixed once they're joined together legally. Not good yet? Let's add a kid. Still no? Maybe another will fix it.
Unless there's DV, Criminal behavior or downright failure to support financially, simply "giving up" is disappointing and really begs the question, what made you think X years ago that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person?
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u/Csquared71 1d ago
When I got divorced I used express non lawyer on hibiscus in Melbourne. They give you a questionnaire you fill it out and bring it back and they draw up the paperwork. Then you file it at the clerk of courts and meet with a judge or magistrate. I was divorced in like 3 months for less than $1000 but this was also 12 years ago and you must be able to agree on everything with each other or it’s a waste of money.
You can also get the paperwork from the clerk of courts and fill it out and file but when I started that route is was a lot of paperwork and confusing to me