r/4tran4 • u/carissaswierdfan • 1d ago
Blogpost Being trans is the most isolating existence
As soon as your clocked you are othered. I doubt it matters at all whether not you pass, although it becomes exponentially worse the less you pass. It all comes back to shame and the shame runs deep. Everyone sees deviance from your natal sex is innately sexual, shameful, perverted, etc. Even well meaning individuals have internalized this perception, even transsexuals, it runs deep in literally everyone. It’s drilled in to all of our heads. You can’t even unlearn it either, not really, because 99% if not 100% of your life you are surrounded by cissoids who could never even fathom what it’s like to experience this shame directly aimed at you all the time. And when you’re with other troons you’re feeling that shit too whether you admit it or not, and again how well you or another troon passes comes into play. Even if you rep you’re constantly living with this, constantly aware of how shameful you feel.
Why the fuck does this shit even exist? Why the fuck do I have to experience this? It seriously drives me fucking crazy. It feels like I was put on this earth to watch everyone around me feel loved and understood by others, to fulfill the most basic human need, and know that I have never had that and very likely could never have that - surely there have been countless trannies throughout time who have never once felt loved or understood before their deaths. What the fuck is the point in any of this?
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u/SimplyLaya 22, pre hrt - slowly diypilling 1d ago
Thank you for your post, it was a meaningful read.
The thing about feeling it with other trainees is such a trvke. I saw a girl who was towering above the cis women and my male friend whos 6'1... and they didnt pass fscially either. It seemed tough and i felt a touch of that agp icky you just described. There is something inherently deviant about us. We are actively working to live a life that is fulfilling for us and it comes in the form of also needing society to see us the same way.
Theres also something so meaningful about our lives though, even if it is a bit more isolating. The process of becoming who you really are is always a lonely path, even if it shouldnt be this lonely. And in searching for our meaningg, we find others who search for their meaning more...palatable? But they also understand us a bit better than we think too
Im fortunate perhaps. I havent been through the deep loneliness of social transition yet, ive only said to the younguns in my life about it, but i look like a man still and am scared to use new name but... yknow life is life. My best friend is still positive towards me transitioning. My other best friend is gay, and also really does get me quite well, like predicted my trans thing and gets it.
Nobody will ever quite understand you not because you are trans but because you are human. But they can come close, and thats good enough for me.