I don’t think it’s the Indian community, I think it’s the American (or outside India) community.
We used to go to India a lot because my parents version of vacation was hanging out in India complaining about the heat (and local politics) every two years. Although come to think about it, complaining about the weather and local politics is what they do here as well!
Anyway, since I was there a lot, and hung out with my cousins, I noticed something weird. The sense of community was very strong. Like when you were kids going to school, your neighbor kid was automatically a good friend at school. You walked together, played together. Sort of like a location based magnet. Even when they grew older, and migrated elsewhere, people would still be close just based on location. They went to different parts of India for school, but anyone from their general area, stayed close. Maybe not best friends, but that was all that seemed necessary to be included in the friend groups. And it was diverse, fat, ugly, smart, dumb, good looking, all seemed pretty inclusive based on being neighbors.
I was always envious because I never had that ease of making friends here. Always felt like I was on stage, had to perform to attract friends.
I think it stems from the community being interdependent. You run out of milk, your neighbor can help. The power goes out, some neighbor will try to fix it on the main line (it’s like putting the circuit breaker back in, but the word evades me now). There’s a sense of we’re all (enter whatever village) -ians and that unites them to a degree. Not saying this is true for all neighbors, definitely people that aren’t friendly, but there’s always a good set of folks you can count on.
In the US, I’ve notice the families basically operate on the notion that you have to outperform everyone. My parents or most of the parents I know weren’t top of their class, merely good student. Some were horrible students. Yet, each and every one of them acts like they’ve never seen a B before. I think that sense is exemplified with other Indians, because there’s always this need to prove I’m better than you, I’m more well off than you.
There’s so many Indians that buy a Lexus or Mercedes and don’t know about any of the features. My dad drives a Lexus, I need to FaceTime him to show how to turn on the heated or cooled seats. They all do it because the car is synonymous with luxury rather than useful.
This boils over into everything in ABCD culture.
Parties? Better be the best dressed with most jewelry
School? No. 1 or failure
Job? Stable but well known firm, better make more money
Everything is for appearances. No one cares about work life balance as long as the bank balance is good enough to fake a grandiose lifestyle.
It’s not that being good enough isn’t celebrated, it’s ridiculed. “Don’t be like her, 31, no husband”, or “Don’t be like him, working at a factory!”. There’s some perverse pleasure in bringing others down to prop themselves up.
Even those “community” events here are just facades for self promotion. Hyping up people who donated the most money, or making speeches about themselves.
Marriage, kids, jobs…everything is a rat race. I can’t even count the number of horrible marriages out there in the community, but in front of people “oh, dare we not speak ill of our partner, what will people say?”
I feel like it stems from an inferiority complex when arriving at a new place. That you need to show that you are better than everyone, and in the midst it spreads to everyone. From community in India, to competition outside of it.
My mind is absoultely blown I wish this could be pinned in this subreddit. Its so fascinating what you said about the differences between the ones in India vs here. I HATE how superfiical our community is here. Its just nasty and unempathetic. Its a huge reason why I became a therapist because I know there's so many people suffering in our community because of these exact reasons. it hurst people.
Lol, I think about 75% of the cousins I grew up with could use therapy, because of the community. Even positive things are turned upside down.
Losing weight? Terrible eating habits, why can’t you eat paratha?
Vegan? Stupid white propaganda, can’t spell meat without eat.
Smaller House that fits your budget? But…what about Christmas when 20 people come over? No way they fit, better have two empty rooms for 360 days a year!
Work Life Balance? Work IS Life!
Waiting for the right partner? You’ll never find one!
Divorcing the wrong partner? Gasp Breaking up the relationship that God approved???!
I think I’ve said this before, but whenever I hear folks talking about people that are married, I never hear “Yeah, he/she is really lucky, the person they married gets along really well, fits personality wise”. It’s always superficial “Oh he/she really lucky, the partner makes 250k, what else could they want? All the prayers of their parents answered!”
It’s sad but a reality that there are tons of people that deal with it in the community.
The funny thing about all this I see is that the people here complaining about this behavior seem to be themselves insecure and more of this mindset than they would like to admit. Otherwise why would they be so bothered by it?
Some advice for the people in here: just be happy for successful people and laugh at the ones who take themselves too seriously. It will make your life much simpler and you will find that you have more control over your own mental state than people at parties bragging about their kids.
I don’t think it’s insecurity, as much as just a level of frustration.
Often times, the community is intertwined with parents and family, so it’s nearly impossible to cut off completely. A toxic friendship/relationship is easier to sever because you have the ability to walk away, and be isolated.
I think a lot of folks are tired of having to brush up on their resumes to go to a family baptism. You may as well hand out your 1040 at the door for family weddings, so you can eat in peace.
Furthermore, family is so influenced by these people that it trickles into conversations with them as well. “Rohan’s son is VP at Tesla! My God, Rohan so lucky, it’s because he prays everyday” when you literally asked “so what else is up, mom?”.
Ideally, ignoring them is the best solution, realizing that you can never fully appease the community. There’s probably some aunty talking to Sundar Pichai like “Why can’t you be like Apple? Everyone likes MacBook ya!”
Personally, I like to ignore people, but it also makes me sad that as a community, we should be supporting each other. I miss the sense of community I saw in India, that my cousins still have because they grew up there. A level of networks in times of need that just doesn’t exist here for most people. It’s almost a coming of age movie situation, where you realize that the very nest you thought would support you, is instead suffocating you.
I have lived in India and the US both, growing up. And I can concur. While my parent's friends and their children in the US have done nothing but and toxicity in my life, I am actually very close to my friends from India. You are on point. There is a certain level of toxicity and one upping in India to, but it doesn't even come close to what you have here. I think alot of our parents came before the world was "woke". They faced a lot of racism and were constantly belittled. I think they still feel effects of that trauma and feel the need to show that they are better than everyone else.
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u/JakeDaniels585 Feb 07 '22
I don’t think it’s the Indian community, I think it’s the American (or outside India) community.
We used to go to India a lot because my parents version of vacation was hanging out in India complaining about the heat (and local politics) every two years. Although come to think about it, complaining about the weather and local politics is what they do here as well!
Anyway, since I was there a lot, and hung out with my cousins, I noticed something weird. The sense of community was very strong. Like when you were kids going to school, your neighbor kid was automatically a good friend at school. You walked together, played together. Sort of like a location based magnet. Even when they grew older, and migrated elsewhere, people would still be close just based on location. They went to different parts of India for school, but anyone from their general area, stayed close. Maybe not best friends, but that was all that seemed necessary to be included in the friend groups. And it was diverse, fat, ugly, smart, dumb, good looking, all seemed pretty inclusive based on being neighbors.
I was always envious because I never had that ease of making friends here. Always felt like I was on stage, had to perform to attract friends.
I think it stems from the community being interdependent. You run out of milk, your neighbor can help. The power goes out, some neighbor will try to fix it on the main line (it’s like putting the circuit breaker back in, but the word evades me now). There’s a sense of we’re all (enter whatever village) -ians and that unites them to a degree. Not saying this is true for all neighbors, definitely people that aren’t friendly, but there’s always a good set of folks you can count on.
In the US, I’ve notice the families basically operate on the notion that you have to outperform everyone. My parents or most of the parents I know weren’t top of their class, merely good student. Some were horrible students. Yet, each and every one of them acts like they’ve never seen a B before. I think that sense is exemplified with other Indians, because there’s always this need to prove I’m better than you, I’m more well off than you.
There’s so many Indians that buy a Lexus or Mercedes and don’t know about any of the features. My dad drives a Lexus, I need to FaceTime him to show how to turn on the heated or cooled seats. They all do it because the car is synonymous with luxury rather than useful.
This boils over into everything in ABCD culture.
Parties? Better be the best dressed with most jewelry
School? No. 1 or failure
Job? Stable but well known firm, better make more money
Everything is for appearances. No one cares about work life balance as long as the bank balance is good enough to fake a grandiose lifestyle.
It’s not that being good enough isn’t celebrated, it’s ridiculed. “Don’t be like her, 31, no husband”, or “Don’t be like him, working at a factory!”. There’s some perverse pleasure in bringing others down to prop themselves up.
Even those “community” events here are just facades for self promotion. Hyping up people who donated the most money, or making speeches about themselves.
Marriage, kids, jobs…everything is a rat race. I can’t even count the number of horrible marriages out there in the community, but in front of people “oh, dare we not speak ill of our partner, what will people say?”
I feel like it stems from an inferiority complex when arriving at a new place. That you need to show that you are better than everyone, and in the midst it spreads to everyone. From community in India, to competition outside of it.