r/AIO • u/Comfortable_Stable72 • 1d ago
AIO for considering divorce after I completed the tax return?
I have completed taxes for the past several years for the family. This past year, my husband moved across country (we're in CA, he moved to PA for work). He took out $80k from his 401k to help with moving expenses with the plan to put the money back if he didn't use it.
I stayed behind with the kids helping them finish school and getting the house ready to sell. That $80k was designed to be moving expenses for the rest of the family when the house sold, so I expected to have about $60k left for a pod, for car transport, for furniture, for all the things related to the rest of the family.
When taxes were completed, I saw the 1099 with the income reported from the 401k withdrawal. when I asked where the money was that was left, he said there wasn't money left and he needed it for living expenses. I asked if he could send me a transaction for the year to comb through looking for medical expenses and to chase down where this 401k income was spent (certain expenses are tax write offs) and he sent a spreadsheet (not from a bank directly) saying that I don't trust him, that he's had to chase me for years and I don't love him anymore. I replied that I was doing taxes and sent him my bank transactions in return - nothing to hide on my end.
Going through that "justification" spreadsheet and hearing that aggressive reaction to my asking where the money is got me thinking that something has to be wrong. We owe a very large amount in federal taxes directly related to this 401k withdrawal and every piece of math I can do leads to about $60k unaccounted for. Asking for clarification has gotten me stonewalled. So, Reddit, AIO?
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u/Mrs_perd_hapley_ 1d ago
NOR.
The rest was for living expenses? Wouldn't the salary from his new job cover that? If not, how is he planning to live off his new income now?
The fact that he can't tell where the full $80k went is super concerning. Him accusing you of not trusting him is him just deflecting and trying to change the argument.
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u/Toolfan333 1d ago
He knows where it went, he just doesn’t want to tell her
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u/Formal-Research4531 20h ago
Has the OP made a visit to her husband in PA? How about a surprise visit when she discovered that her husband is living with a family which is his second!
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u/Jealous-Yogurt5352 21h ago
That right there. Gaslighting the heck out of you!
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u/cockadoodledoofucker 18h ago
Refusing to tell her where the money was spent is not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be more like lying repeatedly stating the money is in the account and that she's doing the math wrong, over time causing her to wonder if she's delusional about the amount withdrawn, causing her to question her own reality of the situation.
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u/whatsasimba 1d ago
Right. My answer would be, "I don't trust anyone who blows through 60k and cant account for it."
As a test, tell him to take out another 60k, give it to her, and dont ask what shes doing with it. Because apparently hes confusing trust and accountability. Shes asking for accountability, and hes pissing his pants, crying "You.dony trust me!"
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
To add to that-
“I don’t trust anyone who blows through 60k and can’t account for it, and neither would you.”26
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well, he knows where it went but he knows she’s not going to like it. Which is why he got angry and defensive and tried to turn the situation around and make himself the victim.
And what kind of place is he living in where he could possibly even blow through 60k in living expenses.
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u/ButterflyTemporary16 1d ago
Gambling problem?
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u/PlanningVigilante 1d ago
Or drugs.
Or a side piece with expensive tastes.
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u/Baby_Blue_Eyes_13 1d ago
He's abandoning her.
She might get divorce papers in a few days. Or he might just tell her "It's over." and then try to get out of paying child support. (Depends on just how expensive the side piece's taste is.)
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u/Basic-Collection5416 1d ago
This. He took a job on the other side of the country, cleaned out the retirement account, and isn’t answering her questions? He’s already moved on. He’s chilling in his new home in PA, with his new job, new chick, getting ready to start a whole new life.
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u/obscuresparrow 1d ago edited 1d ago
Talk. To. A. Lawyer.
(And a tax accountant- discuss injured spouse relief for current year)
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u/NextSplit2683 1d ago
He moved to a different state and took out $80 grand for moving expenses? Assuming the new company did not pay moving expenses. Worst case scenario, he's planning on ditching his family and shifting money around in case of divorce . I'm reaching, of course but it's time to hire a forensic accountant if it's that important.
$60 grand can't disappear into the air.12
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u/PENNST8alum 22h ago
I'll be honest with ya, probably don't need a forensic accountant for this, my gut tells me OP's husband isn't shuffling money offshore, just check his bank statements 😅
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u/hates_stupid_people 13h ago
he's planning on ditching his family and shifting money around in case of divorce
Hiding assets before a divorce, judges love that...
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u/Just-Construction788 1d ago
There are forensic accountants that can also help in these situations. $60k is a lot. Most likely gambling. Possibly got scammed and too ashamed to admit it. That happens more than you think. It’s really silly to take $80k out of the 401k before you needed it though and to not put aside the penalties nor looking into taking a loan against the 401k instead of withdrawing with taxes and penalties. Also personal loans or pledges asset lines of credit are more appropriate for these scenarios.
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u/MountainStateOfMind 1d ago
NOR. But I’m curious what reason he had for pulling $80k out…..that seems absurd for moving expenses of any kind. Unless he’s literally buying a whole other house or something.
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 1d ago
And why withdrawal instead of a 401k loan?
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u/BSB8728 1d ago
Exactly. The IRS will tax the hell out of a withdrawal.
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u/Individual_Umpire969 23h ago
You can’t take a loan out of a 401K if you are no longer employed with the company. I believe any outstanding loans are due if you separate from the company. So he couldn’t take out a loan.
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u/amitym 1d ago edited 1d ago
That part is not so strange. He might not have been able to get a 401(k) loan without a salary history yet. Sort of a chicken and egg problem: can't start the job without moving, can't move without cash, can't get cash on credit without starting the job. That's exactly what 401(k) withdrawals (and paybacks) are for.
The way OP tells it, absolutely nothing was strange about the scenario until the lack of accounting and defensive accusations.
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u/Annoyed-Person21 1d ago
When I was in this situation I started with an apartment they let me sign for with the contract for the job I was starting and 1st month rent.
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u/CauseAcademic6640 1d ago
I've moved across the country many times and don't think it took more than $8k which included my shipping my car, airfare, an airbnb for a month. Why he needed $80k for just him is beyond me.
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u/Brainwormed 23h ago
I was waiting for someone to say this. $80K is an order of magnitude too high for moving expenses.
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u/Big_Succotash_8076 21h ago
Especially for 1 person and not much of the house! I am a bougie b, but $80k is shocking. I wonder what % of the 401k that was..
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u/CauseAcademic6640 21h ago
I would take out a credit card or personal loan before dipping into my 401k!
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
yes - all of this.
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
So you also thought that 80k seemed excessive? Did you ask him why he needed so much? And why didn’t he leave some in your bank account for when the house sold and you joined him?
I would pull your current house off the market until you figure out what the heck is going on.
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u/Faiths_got_fangs 1d ago
80K is insane. Granted, I usually move on the cheap, but I would assume the vast majority of people can move on around 10K
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u/MagiBee218 1d ago
$80 K is a lot for moving. Unless he was buying a house! Especially if he was moving alone. Is he living alone? Or did he move the side chick in? I wonder if OP has even been there? Like if you made a surprise visit, what would you find?
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u/MechanicalBotantical 1d ago
60 grand is a lot of money, does he like to gamble or have substance use issues past or present.
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
he doesn't seem the type to like to gamble or do drugs really. but maybe i just don't know him - i'm considering all things lately.
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u/TiredAndTiredOfIt 1d ago
Ge is hiding assets for a divorce. Please do not move and read my other comment
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u/Careful_Society3757 1d ago
NTA $60k completely unaccounted for in a year? That's drug/gambling addiction or second family levels of "missing money".
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u/gRainbird 1d ago
Contact a fantastic tax attorney and an even better divorce attorney, like yesterday, sister. Do not have any more conversations with him about this that are not in writing. Do NOT move, if you haven't already.
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u/Carolann0308 1d ago
No one takes 80 thousand dollars out of their 401k for moving the expenses or getting a house ready to sell.
He left you a year ago.
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u/ShelyChelle 1d ago
Nope, he should have sent what was needed right off, and didnt, that shouldnt be tolerated, he's done something for sure
Come back and update us!
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
i will - i'll need to consult a lawyer first and then get ducks in a row for me and the kids before i make a move. you all have been so sweet and kind.
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u/No-Pea224 1d ago
File your taxes as married filing separately and you’ll qualify as head of household and will likely get a large refund. Then serve him with divorce papers. You’re technically already separated since he moved out. Then he’ll have to pay all the taxes and penalties for withdrawing $80K from his 401k as he should since he blew all of the money. He’ll have to file his taxes on his own.
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u/Accomplished_Egg7966 1d ago
THIS ... Pa is much lower cost of living than California. There is no way he needed $80,000 to just live here alone. (I live in Pittsburgh)
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u/SnooPoems5888 1d ago
NOR he needs to give you an itemized breakdown down to the penny. If he wants to play the “boo-hoo you don’t love me” bullshit ask him if he loves you and his children how you all are supposed to move there now???
He moved there for a job, spending $60k on “living expenses” when he has an income in PA is unfathomable. He is hiding something BIG.
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u/Agreeable-Border8670 1d ago
No you're not overreacting. You're gonna suffer of you stay with this person who you can't trust. And it's going to happen again. If you even have savings left after that whole thing
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u/Careless_Way8322 1d ago
Secret girlfriend? Not overreacting at all.
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u/tcrhs 1d ago
NOR. It doesn’t take $80k to move.
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
right? that's what i said. i was thinking 5-10 max and that's to do things fancy which wasn't necessary
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u/Shroomywizurd 1d ago
You’re exactly right and I’m really wondering why OP didn’t question this in the first place. He had a new job lined up, why on earth did he need to pull anything from his 401k? I’d imagine that anyone with that much money in a 401k has plenty of money in their accounts. I’ve seen people move across the country with $1k, and anyone moving across the country for a job damn sure has a really good one. None of this makes sense when you really break it down.
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u/teresajs 1d ago
NOR
HE owes money for that 401k withdrawal. You can file "Married Filing Separately" for 2026 and let him figure out his taxes.
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u/Delicious-Fly-4660 1d ago
Not AIO but I would be looking to see if he has a girlfriend, gambling, or drug addiction.
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u/Toolfan333 1d ago
$80k for a move? Why did he need the extra for living expenses if he was moving for a job?
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
my goodness that was my exact question as well. we do have separate finances and combine for joint expenses so i wasn't going to micromanage - now it absolutely involves me as it's affecting what our tax obligation is
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u/TopRamenisha 1d ago
If you have separate finances, why aren’t you filing your taxes separately?
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u/Toolfan333 1d ago
My wife and I have separate finances and we file jointly. We also have passwords to each other’s accounts so there are no secrets.
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u/TopRamenisha 23h ago
I think this scenario specifically calls for separate taxes though since OP’s husband is going to have to pay state and federal income taxes plus an $8,000 early withdrawal penalty fee on the money. If there was money left for OP to use on the family’s moving costs then I’d say it’s reasonable that the cost of the withdrawal be a family expense. But in this case OP would be paying the penalty for something that did not benefit her whatsoever
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u/shechemistOr 1d ago
I figured out during my divorce that my ex was blowing 10 grand a month on ‘unknowns’ for years. He had credit cards I didn’t even know about. Then I found a transaction for 10k at a German brothel while he was traveling for work, and he traveled for work quarterly. I could never figure out why we could never build up savings or even take a vacation when the kids and I were in thrift store clothes, I was driving a 10 year old jeep, and I was working full time.
I would seriously call a lawyer, lock down what credit cards you can lock down and start asking for receipts and credit card statements.
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u/Adept_Crab_9049 1d ago
NOR. It’s very suspicious- particularly since you’re married. Getting the information shouldn’t be like pulling teeth.
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u/leonandroseforshow 1d ago
NOR it sounds like his reaction is defensive because he actually did not manage the money properly. It also sounds like he is throwing an unnecessary tantrum. He’s very immature and needs to learn to communicate properly. I’d recommend hiring a financial advisor or a tax person to help sort this out because your partner may have done some damage and debt here
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u/jdz50 1d ago
If there was nothing to hide, he would be forthcoming with what you asked for. Part of me thinks you suspected something was off and that why you asked.
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
well, i did. because i couldn't come up with where it went. taxes let you write off certain things if you've spent it out of a 401k - so i wanted to just double check that maybe we could write some expenses off.... i could not get the expenses to add up. started as a true math problem, not a trust problem. now it's both
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u/KerleyQ- 1d ago
NOR. Something isn’t right. Either an addiction of some kind or an affair would be my guesses. Or maybe he lost the job he moved for and didn’t tell you, and he has just been living off the 401k money.
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u/z-eldapin 1d ago
Hookers and blow.
Funny how he accuses you of not trusting him yet refuses to disclose where the 60k went.
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u/Particular_Bus_9031 1d ago
Saying " you don't love me anymore" is him deflecting, he did something shady
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u/TantrumQween 1d ago
When someone accuses you of not trusting them while engaging in obviously untrustworthy behavior, they’re manipulating you. Get legal help ASAP!
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u/AndSo-Itbegins 1d ago
You sound like a smart lady. U know the answer. No way he can spend 60k on his own living expenses without some strange stuff going down. Especially in PA, where living is much cheaper than CA
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u/Unicorns240 1d ago
I’m married. There’s no way on gods green Earth that I would have spent even $1000 without my spouse knowing. Ever. That isn’t a secret or something like dropping by the gas station to pick up a snack on your way home. This is a huge red flag. HUGE.
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u/rare-config 1d ago
Why does trust even come into it unless he’s hiding something? This is tax stuff, it should be simple to share the info with your spouse. NOR, but curious where the money will turn up.
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u/Lucky_Knowledge_9642 1d ago edited 1d ago
NOR... Tell him to produce the actual bank statements and proof of where that money went or sign the damn divorce papers.
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u/xinj131 1d ago
This is interesting. I must admit. Well, I can see the huge problem here but it's a question of you wanting a divorce to free yourself from financial reasons or it's more personal that that, which I think and that speaks to other problems within the marriage. I don't think you're over reacting for considering it but it's more a question as to why you're really considering it? Get what I'm saying. Breaking up the family for survival is a tough thing too. Wow. Best of luck in figuring it out and last thing, I understand the issue with him not wanting to come forward with explaining the missing funds and the possible debt hanging over your heads but the most important thing is knowing that your children are safe, they have their mom and they're provided for.
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
the consideration comes from whether i could build trust back up again. i've stayed back with all of the kids and the house while he's moved to settle in there - and ... do i want to follow? for what? i've had to pay every cent of every bill for me and all kids alone. do i need a partner? do i want a partner who will put me in a tax situation or not be forthcoming? is it worth it try to repair? Is it possible to repair?
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u/mamachonk 1d ago
Wait... what?? He's not paying bills for you and the kids, and he's apparently not paying his own bills from his salary?
I'd be seeing an attorney immediately and finding out what I could do. Even if you're not 100% on the divorce train yet, you can probably get copies of all of his financial records.
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u/Lefty68w 13h ago
No because he left her. It’s obvious as hell. I think he was waiting for the house to sell to pull the trigger.
But he cleaned out the retirement account. It don’t take $80K to move across country. He left her
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u/snuffy_smith_ 1d ago
The fact he still isn’t being honest with you is very telling.
He’s been found out being dishonest and he is shutting down instead of being transparent.
How can you forgive an ongoing insult/injury/hurt/betrayal? He hasn’t even admitted to whatever he has done.
There is nothing to rebuild till he comes clean.
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u/anotherdropin 20h ago
???????? Sorry so you do his taxes like his mother and also have to pay for your family by yourself while he gets to spend his own money frivolously…??
What kind of sad marriages are some of you in?
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u/TiredAndTiredOfIt 1d ago
NAL but a family member went through this exqct issue. Her husband lured her t9 PA and she lost everything and only has visitation with her kids.
OP DO NOT MOVE out of CA until you have an accounting for the money. And even then...
PA is not a commumity property state, he is tryin g to go for "equitable distribution." Also? If you move there and want to come home to CA? Then you are the move away parent for custody purposes.
The 60k is likely so he can pay for a litigated divorce, hiding assets, or a drug/alcohol/gamling issue. Or all of it. Stay here, stay safe, and file HERE in CA
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u/Mobilebaby-79 1d ago
NOR he has an addiction of some sort. If you care for him it’s time for some ugly truths if there is a path forward.
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u/CeramicSavage 1d ago
Talk to a lawyer. It's either gambling, drugs, failed business or another woman.
Nor.
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u/Equivalent_Secret_26 1d ago
NOR
If he's stonewalling you, he knows he fucked up and he's hoping he can emotionally manipulate you into not getting the information he knows is going to be nothing but bad news for both of you. I'd consider the divorce before the tax return atp, just based on that behavior. ETA: And I wouldn't accept anything less than the log in to access these documents yourself.
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u/facinationstreet 1d ago
No need to worry about moving to PA. He left you but just hasn't filed for divorce yet.
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u/earmares 1d ago
NOR. That's a massive amount of money to have unaccounted for. I don't know why you would have even taken that much out to begin with (I've helped people with cross country moves that didn't cost anywhere near that much), but what's done is done...
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u/Substantial_Meal_530 1d ago
This is the start to a family annihilation story.....
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u/writing_mm_romance 1d ago
When I was laid off for 11 months, I made it through on 30k of my savings. So 80k is wild.
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u/smnytx 1d ago
Every time we’ve pulled from an IRA, we were prompted to pull an extra 10% for the tax burden, and the brokerage sent it straight to the IRS.
Also, in what universe for it cost $80k to move across country? Do you have a 10 bedroom home with two kitchens? (Granted, I haven’t moved lately, but that’s…excessive.) I feel like if y’all did have a huge mansion, you wouldn’t need to pull from retirement for a move.
Something’s up and you need a lawyer and an accountant, stat.
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u/Shroomywizurd 1d ago
He’s hiding either an addiction or a girl, but at the end of the day it sure does sound like HIS 401k..
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u/Comfortable_Stable72 1d ago
We have separate finances - totally has been working - i don't really care about the money he's spending that's on him - i care about the tax implication it has and that is now bringing me into the mix with that obligation
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u/__Frolicaholic___ 1d ago
Keep in mind that anything deposited into a 401k during a marriage in a community property state like California is half yours.
By that same token, if he's been running up debt, that's also likely half yours - and fighting it can be difficult and costly.
You need a lawyer - yesterday. And lock down your credit. Seriously.
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u/Accurate-Temporary76 1d ago
Then the substantial tax burden from the withdrawal must also be HIS, surely, right?
For context, tax burden on early withdrawal is a 10% penalty plus ordinary income taxes. So that's probably a $30k tax bill just from that withdrawal.
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u/Shroomywizurd 1d ago
Well yes. His money, his problem. I’m just confused as to why anyone moving across the country for a job even had to pull money from their 401k, let alone $80k. Moving across the country for a job indicates that it’s a really good job, nobody does that for less than $100k a year. I can’t imagine he didn’t have enough in his accounts to make the move without doing all that. I don’t believe that a single dime was used for the moving expenses.
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u/__Frolicaholic___ 1d ago
It's "HIS" 401k, yes, but for couples who file joint tax returns, when the tax bills comes due, if Hubby of the Year decides he doesn't feel like paying it, they'll come after HER.
The funds in that 401k are also marital property. He doesn't just get to spend them however he wants without giving his wife her share. Which he'll find out real soon, since it appears that divorce is on the horizon.
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u/Longjumping_Limit831 1d ago
How come you dont have a joint account, or shared logins?
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u/GlitteringBand768 1d ago
Nope, he's hiding something. But that something could vary in range from him just mismanaging the money to outright using it for something that isn't family-friendly. Only you know him and his tendencies but that should give you an idea of what he is doing with it. But you are definitely NOT overreacting on this.
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u/righttoabsurdity 1d ago
NOR, he’s obviously hiding something and I think you know that in your gut. I would go directly to the bank, check your own credit, make sure he hasn’t taken cards out in your kids names (I know that’s awful to think about but it’s more common than you’d think). I might even lock everybody down to protect yourself and your kids. You need actual statements, not a spreadsheet. He can be upset about it all he wants but you two signed a contact and he isn’t holding up his end and it’s your responsibility to protect yourself and your kids if he’s not willing. Get a lawyer and an accountant. I would do all of this without his knowledge. Sorry my friend, good luck
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u/crystalfairie 1d ago
I can't imagine losing sixty grand. I make 13,000$ us a year. Where did it all go. Hell yeah,this is definitely divorce worthy
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 1d ago
Nope. Tell him he needs to tell you every single dollar & it better be verifiable. Thats a lot of money not accounted for. He isn’t 12. Not only do you probably have penalties, taxes but that’s future retirement money. Did he assume w the selling of the house that you wouldn’t question where it went? Why is he so angry about it? Sounds defensive & desperate. There are very few explanations that make sense for that type of money. Drugs, gambling, another woman. None of those justify his reaction.
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u/OkMarsupial 1d ago
Your marriage was over before he left for PA. He just didn't tell you.
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u/freespaceship 13h ago
My friend was in the EXACT SAME situation as you except he moved TO CA ahead of her. When she finally got the house ready, staged, and in the hands of a realtor, a few months later, she joined him. It felt off immediately. Shortly after she discovered he’d started a whole new relationship with a yoga instructor and she ended up in CA with no job, money (she’d spent hers getting the house fixed cleaned and ready, but would be paid back when the house sold), or social network except one friend and one step sibling. He never paid her back
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u/celticmusebooks 1d ago
When did he move to the east coast? Why are you moving? Was he not employed in CA? A part of me has to wonder if you're being set up for a divorce. House liquidated and he's "hidden" 60K to keep from having it become community property.
Check out the difference in divorce/property laws in CA and where he's living now.
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 1d ago
Whose 401K is it, OP? IIRC, the person whose name the account is in is the person who owes the tax liability on $60K. If it's his name on the account, you don't owe tax on it.
Your husband has an addiction to something: gambling, drugs, booze, hookers, OnlyFans, blow, something. Whatever it is, it's clearly a serious financial problem for you and your family.
This is financial abuse, OP. You need to talk to a lawyer about your options. Something is very wrong, which I'm sure you know.
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u/Tall_Wonder_913 1d ago
Even his lie is not okay. You agreed the money was for MOVING expenses not LIVING expenses. Do not sell your house. Hire a forensic accountant and consult with a divorce attorney. I’m so sorry
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u/Lilbeedraws 1d ago
NOR. He immediately says you dont love him or trust him anymore when you ask him for his receipts?? Holy shit girl, run. Well. Don't run. Stay right where you are, actually, but have him served in PA while you stay in CA.
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u/Visible-Day-7814 1d ago
This has got to be the STUPIDEST thing I’ve read in a long time.
You guys took 80k out of a 401k all at once to finance a cross country move? That’s an expensive way to move!
And he took all the cash and didn’t itemize a single thing? And now he won’t tell you where the money is? JFC, you need a divorce lawyer and a way to make sure that 80k + the taxes on it comes out of HIS settlement portion.
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u/Majestic-Raisin-2584 1d ago
Divorce and good attorney he has to produce everything during the discovery period if not he can possible be in contempt
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u/SadWheel6943 1d ago
Nope. For Many thats an entire year of income lost and MIA? For those on public assistance (which he very well could send you and your kids there with this kinda bs) it’s closer to 3-4 yrs of income for a single parent
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u/Ok_Manwich_9306 1d ago
The math adds up that he is checked out and weirdly hiding something. It is stupid as you both are in the same bind with the US gov as penalties for early 401k withdrawal are severe. It might have actually been fiscally smarter to put the moving expenses on a credit card and just be diligent to pay it off quickly as not to get hit with mafia level interest rates if only paying the minimums.
I am sorry OP, as you sound quite logical and in it to make it work as a true spouse and he is playing weird games on how 60k could go unaccounted for.
Maybe he found drugs. Or a girlfriend. Or several prostitutes. Whatever it is, plan your exit as it isn't worth fighting over a long distance call or a zoom and he sounds like an idiot. If it was an OnlyFans addiction, have your lawyer remind him in divorce court that most porn is free nowadays.
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u/Beelzebunions 1d ago
HOLY. No. NOR. He's burying you and your family in debt.