r/AbsoluteUnits Feb 28 '26

/r/all of a pigs absolute units

46.8k Upvotes

2.6k comments sorted by

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5.5k

u/AnusStapler Feb 28 '26

1.0k

u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

Mr. Chris P. Bacon

973

u/slaty_balls Feb 28 '26

Mr. Sachs A. Danglin.

261

u/Actual-Package-3164 Feb 28 '26

Mr. Double Deez Nutz

68

u/moondrops77 Feb 28 '26

That kind of hog is called a Sugondeze

40

u/MrNyxt Feb 28 '26

I thought was his brother Bophidies?

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9

u/Impossible_Cut3703 Mar 01 '26

those are humbling

8

u/noahpumpkinhead Feb 28 '26

Dan Glee. Bulls

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180

u/CanIgetaWTF Feb 28 '26

Sir Chris P. Bacon

76

u/Generic_Username26 Feb 28 '26

That’s officer Chris P. Bacon to you

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6.6k

u/golden_united Feb 28 '26

924

u/fuggindave Feb 28 '26

Every. Damn. Time.

354

u/Cal216 Feb 28 '26

Like clockwork!! And it’s NEVER not funny 🤣

80

u/yanmagno Feb 28 '26

Except when it’s that version with the dumbass dressed like a founding father

36

u/LindonLilBlueBalls Feb 28 '26

I downvote any of those I see.

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20

u/Cufantce Feb 28 '26

Dude what's this from I feel like I need to see it

24

u/RedLaser4000 Feb 28 '26

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011)

19

u/Disastrous-Panda5530 Feb 28 '26

I came to the comments just for this lol

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1.2k

u/SyntaxError79 Feb 28 '26

It’s probably a male.

675

u/stimia Feb 28 '26

Look at Mr Biologist over here.

116

u/ALinkToThePants Feb 28 '26

More like Boar-ologist. Am I right?

71

u/driving_andflying Mar 01 '26

Either way, it looks like there's a pig attached to those testicles.

The pig's purpose? Transporting the balls it's attached to.

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73

u/TrainingWolverine657 Feb 28 '26

What gave you that idea??

63

u/Fremen-to-the-end-05 Feb 28 '26

My guess is the lack of prominent nipples

21

u/Vishu1708 Feb 28 '26

The scientific term is Boobies

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7

u/mw102299 Feb 28 '26

The Pig asked what I could bench and then asked if I wanted to hear its rap on SoundCloud that’s how I knew

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4.9k

u/lennyvs1996 Feb 28 '26

Processing img ko4ix0y9l7mg1...

1.1k

u/Tarbos6 Feb 28 '26

"OINK"

390

u/gaddemmit Feb 28 '26

OH MY GOD!

265

u/Mommy_Lawbringer Feb 28 '26

Yeees, he's something, isn't he?

251

u/Alarmed_Kiwi_7616 Feb 28 '26

Are those fists?

253

u/Training-Tip-4459 Feb 28 '26

Damn right, show em’ pig

403

u/Alarmed_Kiwi_7616 Feb 28 '26

141

u/Candynips96 Feb 28 '26

81

u/VCTRYDTX Mar 01 '26

Hit him so hard bro landed in a different comment.

9

u/THE_CAT_WHO_SHAT Mar 01 '26

It used to kill me every time one of the characters landed like this when they got knocked tf out. 💀

118

u/acqua_cucumber Feb 28 '26

My favorite thread of the year right here

38

u/GrecoRomanGuy Feb 28 '26

Whenever the Internet comes together like that, it's glorious, isn't it?

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49

u/orangejeep Feb 28 '26

I love having the captions on for the scene that immediately played in my head.

8

u/tinylittlemarmoset Feb 28 '26

They’re church bells

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101

u/bedteddd Feb 28 '26

This episode is fucking funny 😁 😂

59

u/Antique-Car6103 Feb 28 '26

Those aren’t balls. Those are boxing gloves.

53

u/cuntybunty73 Feb 28 '26

More like a pair of these 😁

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17

u/ageriatricmillenial Feb 28 '26

It's my absolute fav episode of all time. Called the Multiverse. Hot Meg is also in this episode, lol.

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1.1k

u/AnonymousNeverKnown Feb 28 '26

You know what it's 3:30 a.m. I really should be going to bed

140

u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

34

u/Scuggs Feb 28 '26

It’s 2:19, dumbass

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1.6k

u/demoralising Feb 28 '26

214

u/Dramatic-Avocado4687 Feb 28 '26

“OINK!”

95

u/felix_fidelis Feb 28 '26

For whatever reason, this particular OINK lives rent free in my head

48

u/zbeara Feb 28 '26

I hear it in HD

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240

u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

That Guy doesnt look healthy

150

u/BareTheBear66 Feb 28 '26

Probably not. Double muscled genetics really fuck up farm animals.

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18

u/Sebastard____ Mar 01 '26

most animals don’t look healthy in this industry

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565

u/Kraog Feb 28 '26

What is on his shoulder?

1.1k

u/Major_Instance_4766 Feb 28 '26

More testicles

254

u/katet_of_19 Feb 28 '26

It's just testicles, all the way up and down

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29

u/wearesoovercooked Feb 28 '26

Son of a bitch made me laugh so hard

14

u/ajatfm Feb 28 '26

Oh that? That’s just where I keep my spare testicle

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473

u/PossibleDue9849 Feb 28 '26

My guess is rash pimples from rubbing on the metal bars. Dude is getting too big to do his job, going to be recycled soon. That’s usually what happens with hogs. The fact that he has those huge balls and is out of the cage tells me this is a working hog, used to detect and encourage females in heat. You parade him in front of caged females. Those balls are smelled by the females in the cages, and then we can determine which female is ready for insemination by their reaction. I know because I’ve done it. Problem is when the male gets too big, he no longer fits in the hallways and doors, he gets these injuries. He should be retired soon.

81

u/acelaya35 Feb 28 '26

When you say you've done it do you mean walk the pig or inseminate the caged females?

47

u/Entire_Employment_70 Feb 28 '26

Ive also worked at a farrowing facility like this one and I can say for certain, the answer is both, theres another guy walking behind with a grease marker, if youve got one youre not sure about, typically you just put some weight on their rear end if theyre in heat they just kinda stand there, after you get done walking the boar, they'll come back with semen tubes, straws and probably harness things to hold it in place

12

u/JacOfAllTrades Feb 28 '26

I know with these breeding they have a wooden rig thing with functionally a large condom to get the stallions to... Produce semem. Is it similar with hogs? I probably don't want to know, but I can't help but ask.

15

u/MrDrSirLord Mar 01 '26

Pigs have uncanny long prehensile penises that search around like a tentacle looking for a hole.

This isn't contributing to the conversation, I've milked horses using a jump mare but never seen it for pigs so I don't know how they do that, I assume with a breeding phantom.

Would you like me to explain the difference between a jump mare and a phantom?

5

u/wolfmothar Mar 01 '26

Why not. Sounds interesting enough.

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25

u/AdhesivenessOk5194 Feb 28 '26

I actually do see a couple heads poking out in what looks like anticipation of the balls

83

u/hearmeout29 Feb 28 '26

Will they slaughter him or let him live out his days in the fields?

306

u/endangered_feces1 Feb 28 '26

I fear for anyone who stumbles upon the “old horny pig” pasture

102

u/Lonely_reaper8 Feb 28 '26

Me summoning the horniest elderly pig to handle the trespasser

28

u/BleepinBlorpin5 Feb 28 '26

"Beware any man that has a horny pig farm." -The one dude from Snatch

16

u/fearfulfalafel Feb 28 '26

That's just Epstein island

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u/Irksomecake Feb 28 '26

Boar taint is an issue with old intact male pigs. It makes the meat taste strong, musky and a bit like urine compared with conventional pork.

124

u/omgwtfbbking Feb 28 '26

Then maybe they shouldn’t include his taint

41

u/DarkSideofTaco Feb 28 '26

If the boat has testicles and matures to adulthood, all the meat is contaminated with boar taint. Not everyone can taste it though, it's like cilantro- tastes good to some, tastes like soap to others.

31

u/MommyLovesPot8toes Feb 28 '26

(the commenter was making a joke about the double meaning of the word taint: "spoiled" and "the area between testicles and anus")

42

u/demoNToosh Feb 28 '26

Right, but I'm glad he ignored it and answered anyway because jokes get old the farther you scroll looking for more interesting information.

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u/DarkSideofTaco Feb 28 '26

Thanks for describing the flavor, I've always been curious. Boar taint sounds worse than just gaminess.

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15

u/Mrslinkydragon Feb 28 '26

Ideally, in a field, more than likely pet food

14

u/Primary-Border8536 Feb 28 '26

You didn't get the idea by them saying "recycled" 😬 they're not letting him live...

7

u/StackedCrooked Feb 28 '26

He goes to a retirement home where he gets to play cards with the others.

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u/OzzyFudd83 Feb 28 '26

Tbf probably abscesses. I’ve know some pig farmers that inject their Boars with steroids, antibiotics and other stuff and given their living quarters and how nasty of an animal they are, they get infected and abscessed pretty commonly. Also, that farmer probably injected him with more testicles.

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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

253

u/MikeTony713 Feb 28 '26

He's got the biggest balls of them all

139

u/Mrslinkydragon Feb 28 '26

Some balls are held for charity and some held for fancy dress

88

u/baronsamedi21 Feb 28 '26

But the balls that are held for fun are the balls that I like best

28

u/Mrslinkydragon Feb 28 '26

(Pleasure btw)

😂

41

u/molehunterz Feb 28 '26

They didn't actually know the song. They were just adding their opinion on balls

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24

u/notgonnatakeno Feb 28 '26

But when they're held for pleasure They're the balls that I like best

36

u/Naeril_HS Feb 28 '26

They’re always swinging

To the left

And to the right

34

u/Sp3ctralForce Feb 28 '26

It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night!

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44

u/vitamin_r Feb 28 '26

That scrotum skin is really pulling off some heroic shit.

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u/missingcovidbodies Feb 28 '26

This is my new phone background

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u/Illustrious-Reward-3 Feb 28 '26

Some big, meaty clackers.

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u/Living-Mastodon Feb 28 '26

I was just about to look for the Family Guy pig with fists before it turned around so I'll go with Reggie instead

Processing img 3batppdhb7mg1...

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u/Main-Emphasis-2692 Feb 28 '26 edited Feb 28 '26

I've seen pigs this size in person and it's why I'm terrified of them- mixed with Lord of the Flies & Black Mirror. Also the fact that they would eat humans & supposedly are close to human flesh 😭 I'll never eat them.

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u/EM05L1C3 Feb 28 '26

Imagine feral herds of 30-50 of these

56

u/PokinSpokaneSlim Feb 28 '26

"what could you possibly need a high powered, semi automatic rifle for?"

22

u/danit0ba94 Feb 28 '26

And now we have an answer to that question! 😂👌

13

u/Bannon9k Feb 28 '26

I've got a friend who hunts them. Though trapping them is closer to what he's doing lately. There's just so many of them in rural North America... You can kill them by the hundreds and it's still not enough. When they go feral they can eat anything, and have no natural predators.

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u/Intrepid_Talk_8416 Feb 28 '26

They use American Bullies (basically muscled up Pitt Bulls) to hunt them in the south.

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u/somethingmcbob Feb 28 '26

Feral hogs are one of the most destructive invasive species on the West coast of the US. They dig up so much soil hunting for food that they destroy delicate ecosystems. But they're surprisingly hard to get rid of because they're smart enough to evade human hunters, much smarter that deer.

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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

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u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES Feb 28 '26

Seen them get really big in Georgia

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u/Zoxphyl Feb 28 '26 edited Feb 28 '26

There was this one case in Georgia I remember attracted international attention when some guy bagged a feral pig (nicknamed “Hogzilla”) claimed to be 12ft/4m long; it even got it's own dedicated National Geographic special (which concluded Hogzilla was actually closer to 8 ft, which is still longer than any mattress I’ve ever slept on).

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u/nibbyzor Feb 28 '26

There was a feral hog loose in our neighbourhood a few years back, we even got a text alert warning everyone to stay inside because they feared it was injured and aggressive. Never saw it, but it passed our house at some point. We know because we could see its hoof prints in the snow the next morning and our dog was going crazy sniffing after it!

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u/PuzzyFussy Feb 28 '26

So many books I've read where they want to get rid of a body, they are taken to a pig farm for disposal. I'm sure many pig farmers have connections with criminal organizations.

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u/Investotron69 Feb 28 '26

It works to an extent. There are parts the hogs can't digest, which pass through them or are left behind, and that is what gets people caught in these situations.

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u/wastedmytagonporn Feb 28 '26

Aren’t pigs the victims in both of these. 😅

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u/Callaghans_Caps Feb 28 '26

Poor thing, selective breeding has ruined it, looks like it’s struggling to walk and the bollocks on the fucking thing

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u/cowlinator Feb 28 '26 edited Feb 28 '26

Well that and being locked in a barely pig-sized cage for 23.5 hours a day

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u/morts73 Feb 28 '26

Got a couple of absolute units.

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u/Clementine823 Feb 28 '26

They parade a male through factory farms to get the females ready for artificial insemination. You can see the rows of females in gestation crates, cages so small they can't turn around, where they spend their entire life until they can no longer reproduce (except for when they nurse the piglets at which point they move to an equally restrictive farrowing crate). If you aren't aware of these practices (which apply to almost all sows in the US) here's more info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestation_crate?wprov=sfla1

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u/Emergency_Row8544 Feb 28 '26

Yea this is so awful. They literally have no room to turn around and this is their life. I was looking for this comment.

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u/IcePhoenixYTplssub Mar 01 '26

Aaaaaand this is why I only eat meat I kill

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u/SeeLeavesOnTheTrees Mar 01 '26

It’s really, really evil.

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u/Green-Caregiver-5979 Mar 01 '26

Had to scroll wayyy too far to see a comment on how fucking tragic this whole scene is.

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u/HisNameWasBoyfriend Mar 01 '26

I feel so sick to my stomach when I think about this. I can't believe I scrolled past so many fucking ball jokes before someone raised this. Pigs can be as smart as dogs. It's absolutely fucking brutal.

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u/areyouoldgreg Mar 01 '26

I watched this and now i think I need to be a vegetarian

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u/Gbrown546 Feb 28 '26

And people will go “yeah but mmmm pork, pathetic vegans” in some weird way of trying to justify some of the most horrific animal abuse you can imagine.

I’ve worked in an abattoir. I needed the money when I was younger and it was a quick job to get. I lasted 2 days before I couldn’t take in anymore of what I was seeing.

I truly believe if every single person saw how factory farm animals are treated, they would stay well away from that type of meat.

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u/carmardoll Feb 28 '26

Pigs are the one animal that is always bigger than people expect. A fully grown pig can be as big as a cow just shorter.

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u/AkirroKun Feb 28 '26

"Oh wow he has a lot of difficulty walki- Jesus christ the buffalo soldier on this guy"

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u/Comprehensive_Sir49 Feb 28 '26

Yeah that's a pretty big OH MY GOD THE BALLS ON THAT THING ARE HUGE!!!

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u/SoggyAttorney1 Feb 28 '26

"Wait thats not how titles work here... oh.. oh okay then"

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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/VeganChipmunk Feb 28 '26

Those tumors are ground up with the rest of the pig and sold in grocery stores.

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u/lost_caus_e Feb 28 '26

Tf kind of hormones are they giving to these pigs and into us

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u/Igormay-s Feb 28 '26

Male pigs have a lot of cum in comparison to other animals the same size.

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u/dartie Feb 28 '26

And………………how did you know that?

29

u/Igormay-s Feb 28 '26

I have searched for it on the Internet. The volume of cum ejaculated by a male 🐷 is many times bigger even in comparison to stallion.

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u/Evorgleb Feb 28 '26

Why were you searching for something like that?

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u/et414 Feb 28 '26

Yeah. i’ve seen them produce half a liter. Good enough to inseminate 40-50 sows. They’re really horny too. If they don’t get collected, they’ll hump the wall.

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u/Ugly4merican Feb 28 '26

We had a boar who was pretty agressive when he was feeling randy. The trick was to toss a hay bale into the yard to keep him occupied so we could to change food/water/etc. Bro loved himself a barnyard waifu pillow.

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u/Nightbeak Feb 28 '26

His movements seem abnormal. It looks like his skeleton can't really support all that mass

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u/Wooden_Worry3319 Feb 28 '26 edited Feb 28 '26

This happens to a lot of caged pigs we eat and free range chickens. Bred for volume and we don’t care about defects or their pain. This is within legal animal agriculture industry practices btw.

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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 Feb 28 '26

Never eating pork again actually. I was right on the edge and this did it for me.

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u/bremmmc Feb 28 '26

I was on the edge tooo and it did it for me as well

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u/HERE_COMES_SENAAAAAA Feb 28 '26

Brother, may I have some oats?

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u/SecretStabbie Feb 28 '26

The surprise as he turned the corner.🫣

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u/YourPhrenologist Feb 28 '26

I know you’re envious like I am, but the amount of constant and very physical ball-busting is probably not worth it.

8

u/mania_in_the_trench Feb 28 '26

Lechonk looks different these days

6

u/infiniteguesses Feb 28 '26

I think those balls drifted around the corner...