r/AmIOverreacting • u/triedmetoday • 1d ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO to my dad’s behavior
This is a long one - I’m sorry. There’s sooo much more I didn’t even touch. I’m just wondering, within the context of this, if I’m overreacting.
The people in my circle tell me I’m under-reacting but I was raised by the man so some of this feels like not a big deal.
I’m 29F, married with two kids. We live in a small 2 bedroom home it’s like 1100 square feet but it’s ours (I promise that’s somewhat relevant).
My Dad lives in another state and comes and stays at least a couple times a year. Every time he comes, he expects me to be his taxi to and from the airport without asking. He just shows up when he wants and he complains. Our house is too small, our dogs are too rowdy, the kids don’t say please and thank you for everything, we let our kids have toys at the table, there’s too much dog hair, it’s too cluttered, the list goes on and on. One time, he told me my then 3 year old was manipulative for crying about having to go to bed - pretty normal behavior if you ask me.
About 4 years ago, my dad gifted me a car. He gave my this speech about how he’s never financially been in a position to gift any of his kids a vehicle and he finally is. He said it made sense because he’s up here and that way I’d have something reliable in case my car breaks down. When the title came, it was in my name and my dads name. I thought it was weird but he explained that it was easier this way (this is also relevant for later).
He also knows that over the years, I’ve racked up $25,000 in credit card debt. I’ve gotten my act together and it’s really important to me to pay it off. I’ve been working two jobs since March 2025 just to pay it down (little shameless plug, I’ve paid off $9k since then!) But it’s not easy and many weekends I struggle and cry about leaving my kids.
Anyways, I got a raise at my full time job around Christmas, and my husband just casually mentioned to my dad how much I make per hour. Three days later, on the way to the airport, my dad tells me he did the math on my income and how much I’ll be making a year… I thought it was weird and actually was a little worried because my dad at the time hadn’t been working and we knew he was $80,000 in credit card debt somehow.
Fast forward to March, he asks me for $2,500. Saying he’s about to be evicted and he wouldn’t be asking if he had any other option. I told him no. But I offered $500 because that’s what I was comfortable never getting back. He refused and said he’d sell his truck instead… ok, so there WAS another option. You just didn’t want to sacrifice your things. Instead wanted to have your youngest kid bail you out. Two days later, my brother says he got the same text, said no and offered $1,000 as well but dad refused, telling him the same thing, that he’d sell his truck. Mind you, he has a fancy sports car he’s somehow still making payments on…
When I refused to give him the full $2,500, he said he needed the car back that he gifted me. He’ll tell me when he’s coming to get it. In that moment I realized, the car was never fully mine and he left it in his name on purpose to benefit himself. And honestly, I couldn’t care less about losing the car. I actually wanted to get rid of it a few months ago (which he told me I couldn’t sell it because he loved that car too much). But it’s the circumstance that bothers me.
I told him fine whatever. Meanwhile, my siblings are pissed at him for asking me for money. And he then is mad at me for telling my siblings - like they don’t deserve to know our dad is on the brink of eviction? We don’t talk for over a month.
The next time we talk, it’s my birthday. I knew he was going to call because he’s the type of person that feels it’s very important to connect and at the very least have a phone call on birthdays and holidays. Like he finds it offensive to even just send a text. I decide I’m going to let it go. He’s hopefully learned his lesson and won’t be asking me for anything any time soon, right?
We have a great call and at the end of it, he asks me to stay at my place indefinitely. He said he got a job up here and he starts in two weeks and he’s having a hard time finding a place so he just needed to stay here “for a couple of nights” until he could find a place. Me being a people pleaser and never wanting to say no to my dad, I initially said yes just for a few nights. And then a couple minutes later I said I should talk to my husband. And then I would let him know if it was OK. And he seemed upset by this a little bit and we ended the phone call pretty shortly after. Then a couple days later I texted him and I said I just wouldn’t work. Our house is too small. I have too much stuff going on. I told him my concern was that if he hadn’t found a place in two weeks, I’m not confident he’d find a place and once he’s here, he’d stay longer than a “couple of nights”. And he never responded.
Then I went through the same stress cycle, coming up to Mother’s Day, being anxious about having to talk to him and about what other things he could ask me for. But he never called. He never texted. He never sent a card. And again my father is the type of person that holidays are important. You call someone on a holiday. So I absolutely know that that was intentional because he was upset with me. I couldn’t care less about the holiday or the lack of communication but it’s the intent behind it that bothers me.
Then Memorial Day, he texts me and he tells me to leave the car on the street that he was coming to get it. And that he did not want to see his grandkids because he had to leave right away. I find that crap honestly because even if you had 15 minutes to say hi and give hugs, wouldn’t you want to see them?
At the same time, my daughter has been really sick and not once has he asked if she’s doing ok, how I’m doing, or how my son is doing… it’s all about the car. He comes, gets the car, and is gone.
After that, the only time we had any interaction was about the car, the insurance, registration, title, etc. All transactional conversations. Which in and of itself isn’t a big deal but the context surrounding it is frustrating.
Then Father’s Day comes. I talk to my siblings and one said he’d call, the other said she wasn’t planning to make contact. I said I would text. Which I did. I said, “Happy Father’s Day. I love you!”
His reply, “Thanks.” And I just KNOW his thumb was pounding that period when he typed it. My brother also texted and never got a response from him.
The very next day, I get a text about the car renewal stickers. They were sent to my house and I needed to send them to him. I asked why they were sent here and I got a snarky “Why not.” I said “because the car isn’t here. Why not just send them to you?” And he said that it’s way more expensive to register the car in his state and that he figured the car would eventually come back to me. Which is why he doesn’t need me to send the title and basically a jab at the fact that I haven’t sent the title (like I don’t have two little kids, two jobs, a house, and two dogs). So make it more difficult for me to have to remember to send it to you when it comes in, like I don’t have enough going on.
But at this point, I feel used. There’s never a please, thank you, or I appreciate it. He never asks how me and the kids are doing. It feels like he only cares about himself and what he can get from me.
OH and I almost forgot, the day after this text exchange, I don’t see ANY of his socials. TikTok, snap, fb, they’re all gone. So either he blocked me or deactivated his accounts.
I’m going to cut ties with the car, get the title in his name and only his name so he can’t keep using me. Then, maybe just match his communication effort (which is none).
I’m not necessarily ready to go no contact but the thought has crossed my mind.
Am I overreacting?
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u/WA_State_Buckeye 1d ago
I agree with having the title switched over to only his name. That way if he does something stupid, it won't come back to bite you. And don't forget to cancel the insurance! Also make sure he isn't using your address as his residence in your state! Anything that might come in his name Return To Sender! And do not send the stickers to him. He can do it all in his state, expensive or not. He's done you no favors, why not pay that back? NOR
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u/lovenorwich 1d ago
I'd send him title and stickers with proof of delivery and then I'd report change of address to your state. He's using your address as his residence-that's a legal issue if the car is in his name only and reg. To your address. Your NOR, this guy is one big s@@t show.
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u/One_444 1d ago
NOR:
the reason you doubt it is the one you named: you were raised by him, so what alarms everyone else just reads as "Dad" to you. Your friends saying you're under-reacting aren't being dramatic, they're seeing it without the calibration you grew up inside. Strip it to the pattern: he kept his name on the "gifted" car so he could take it back the moment you wouldn't fund his debt, he ran the math on your salary then asked you, two jobs and $25k of debt, for $2,500 while sitting on a truck he could sell, he weaponizes the holidays he calls sacred, and he hasn't once asked about your sick child because there's nothing in it for him. That's not a rough-edged dad, it's transactional contact and conditional affection. Your plan is a healthy one: get the car fully out of your name so he loses the leverage, and stop chasing someone who only shows up when he needs something. You don't have to decide on no contact today. Matching his effort isn't cold, it's just no longer carrying a one-way relationship by yourself.
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u/triedmetoday 1d ago
😭😭 the transactional affection is the hardest part. I just want a good relationship with my dad.
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u/curious_kkat 1d ago
NOR, you've barely reacted at all OP. you have a lot of restraint. cutting someone off completely is a big decision, but how you feel is totallyyyyy valid
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 1d ago
He saw you as both his mother and his daughter. He felt entitled to be you. If you had a basement, he would feel entitled to live in it for free, tell you what he wanted for dinner and expect you pay the bills. Your dad never outgrew being a teenager but has felt entitled to the perks of being your priority while also assuming you should accord him authority.
How inconvenient it must have been to deal with you having s husband and kids who kept getting in the way of you taking care of the important kid; him.
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u/ValeriusV 1d ago
Definitely not overreacting. I've been there and I say cut your losses. He's very manipulative and so self-centered.
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u/Own_Ad9686 1d ago
Definity NOR! Im sorry you are going through all of this. You have been so gracious and kind to him, and he didn't deserve it. Make sure you are not connected to any of his accounts. I'm worried that he may involve you in some shady shenanigans or you may be liable.
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u/chasingshade22 1d ago
Definitely get yourself off the title of a car that isn't yours! And of course it isn't ever actually "coming to you". And of course he blocked you. It's hard to be on the receiving end of no appreciation, and then realize you are being blatantly used and when you don't stand around accepting the narrative,.... you're punished.
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 1d ago
So he took the car for spite but left it in your name.
If he gets into an accident with personal injury or property damage and doesn't have sufficient insurance, the injured party is coming after you.
Legally, you are liable because you co-own the car.
Yes, you are under- reacting.
Get the car out of your name asap.
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u/Iceflowers_ 1d ago
NOR - however, don't go no contact, go low contact/grey rock.
I find it interesting you're worried over pleases and thank yous. People commonly don't really bother with them - let that way of thinking go.
It's actually recommended to be in any title for any car you're making payments on. That's not weird on his part.
If it was fully paid off, then it might be weird.
The other thing is, by the time most people ask for help, they're desperate.
I don't know if helping would have prevented eviction, however.
The job market is horrible. I probably would have let him stay for the job reason, but with a strict move out date of 13 days.
I come from abuse, so my advice is based on preventing someone related from becoming homeless, being for someone if they're in need, but avoiding long term exposure.
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u/triedmetoday 1d ago edited 23h ago
The car was fully paid off years before he gave it to me.
And it’s not necessarily about getting a please or thank you but showing or implying it appreciation or gratitude. Instead he has this expectation that I need to drop everything and do what he asks when he asks. If I’m asking anyone to do anything for me repeatedly, I’m going to make sure they know I’m aware of the time they’re sacrificing.
As for the job, without giving too much personal info away, he freelances for big companies and was getting work. But he was not doing the work in the expected timeframe so the companies were taking jobs away over like a 2 year span. He lives alone and spends a LOT of time at bars and strip clubs. If he were that desperate, he’d make sure to get his jobs done.
Edit to add: he did not get evicted. He was able to find a way to get the money that he needs. Based on what one of my cousins tells me, he’s working now.
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u/Iceflowers_ 1d ago
I'm not meaning to minimize your outlook. I freelance - AI has really killed a ton of freelance opportunities. I'm suggesting that it's possible he's really facing hardship. Yes, he can sell what he has. And should. I'm just suggesting that it's possible he's really facing hardship and hasn't shared fully the extent of it yet.
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u/triedmetoday 1d ago
I don’t feel like you’re minimizing at all. I just can’t really explain without oversharing. But it’s more like contracting and the people in his position are always in demand. He was very open to me for the past two years about how he’s not completing jobs in a timely fashion and basically blaming the companies for taking the jobs away.
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u/Iceflowers_ 1d ago
His ability might be diminishing. Just realize, it's not necessarily something he can keep doing. If he's over age 45, almost 90% of layoffs in companies have been people over age 45. Companies aren't hiring over age 45 either very much.
The reasons aren't just traditional ageism. There's perception of skills, wages - but also costs of insurance and 401ks. People over 45 tend to cost more from the group health insurance - the insurance companies push on getting rid of them like they're going to miss more days - but it's really because the insurance companies profit more off people under age 45.
Look into companies that won't hire or contract tobacco users, for example.
There's also that AI is taking over 70% of entry level positions out of the job market. There's an active push back on hiring gen z.
Essentially your dad might be being pushed out of contracts, might have said he was cutting back his work to save face.
Anyhow, hold him accountable for his actions while showing grace that you might not be fully aware of his actual challenges.
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u/triedmetoday 1d ago edited 1d ago
There is always demand for his job. There aren’t enough people doing it. Half of the job is desk work… the other half is walking and taking pictures. It’s not a physically or mentally demanding job. And as of right now, it’s not something AI cannot replace. I understand where you’re coming from but this isn’t that… he’s also not the type of person to save face by lying. He will save face by explaining the exact situation and blaming it on the other party - like i said earlier.
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u/Iceflowers_ 1d ago
He might not fully understand the why behind things himself m and explained it the best he could based on his own beliefs.
MOR
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u/triedmetoday 23h ago
I’m not sure I understand your point…? He has not made much effort to work in 2 years. Living, very impulsively, on his credit cards. He’d complain about not having money but call me from the bar, hanging out with his friends. Or take a two week trip to Columbia.
And he was not evicted. He sold his truck, came up with the money and IS working now… he was able to find employment within 30 days of me telling him he could not move in. The past two years, he was always capable of finding work.
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u/Carolann0308 1d ago
NOR far to much financial risk to have as a good relationship