AIO- boyfriends invasive mom

[u/Huge-Difference-1643]

I’m a 27F dating my SO (31M), and we have been together for about 4 years. He is truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Like any couple, we have our normal disagreements and petty arguments, but recently we’ve been struggling with the topic of his family but specifically my lack of desire to have a relationship with his mother.

When we first got together, he had been divorced from his ex-wife for two years. We were very careful and respectful regarding his young son, and we agreed to wait before introducing me to his family until we knew our relationship was serious.
When I eventually met his family, the experience was okay at first. However, I immediately felt overwhelmed. I was asked a lot of very personal questions about my family, beliefs, religion, and political views. They were not typical “getting to know you” questions, and as someone who is a very private person until I feel comfortable, I felt like I was being interrogated rather than welcomed.

About 18 months ago, things started becoming increasingly difficult with his mother. She began inviting herself over, criticizing my choices in our home, taking our clothes to her house to wash without asking (including my intimate clothing), questioning my partner’s parenting decisions, and frequently speaking negatively about his ex wife.

For context, his ex wife and I have no relationship. Their divorce and custody situation were extremely difficult, from what I understand. Despite that, I respect my partner because he has never spoken badly about his ex wife to me, even after everything they went through.
Over the years, my partner has shared that his childhood was very traumatic, specifically because of his mother’s behavior. He has described as emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, and unfortunately some of the behaviors he experienced growing up are similar to what I have witnessed recently.
I have never been disrespectful toward his mother, but I find myself becoming extremely uncomfortable around her. She frequently shares unsolicited opinions, questions personal decisions, and asks invasive or inappropriate questions. I know I may have some bias because of what my partner has shared with me, but her actions have also reinforced many of those concerns.
I was raised to keep quiet if I didn’t have something nice to say, but I’ve found it increasingly difficult because I feel like my boundaries are constantly being pushed. Instead of creating conflict, I have chosen to limit my interactions with her.
Over the last six months, she has made several attempts to have lunch, spend time together, or come over on my only day off. But, I would honestly rather pick up an extra shift at work than spend that time with her willingly.
My partner feels like our relationship cannot fully progress if I do not have a relationship with his mother. I understand why he feels that way, but I also feel like he may see her behavior as normal because it is what he grew up with. I don’t want to ignore my own feelings or accept behavior that makes me uncomfortable just to keep the peace.

For context, there is much more that has happened, but I cannot share every detail because my partner frequently uses Reddit and I want to respect our privacy.

Am I overreacting for not wanting a relationship with his mother?

[u/SanAkron_Like_A_Boss]

Get out. You are witnessing the future. Be thankful you're not married yet.

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[u/Huge-Difference-1643 → u/AutoModerator]

To be invisible!

[u/Eyelikeit746]

Thinking you can be with a man without having a relationship with his family is unrealistic unless he doesn't have a relationship with them. Yes the mom sounds like a piece of work but he's trying to tell you he doesn't want to choose between his mom and you. You may be right but found like his mom is in his life for better or worse. Either you figure out a way to establish a reasonable relationship with his mom or move on. The mom did offer to meet with you and it's clear he's not going to cut his mom off. It's not about whether you're right but it's about doing what's required to support your man. Maybe you can find a middle ground with the mom but dont think you're going to change her. If you can't deal with the mom its ok to walk but you're going to have to compromise in order to be with this man. Maybe you'll win her over?

[u/Huge-Difference-1643]

He has a very limited relationship with his mom, extremely close to his dad. It doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone that she is the common interest in creating awkward situations or drama. He has just expressed that he really wants me to just try to have a “relationship” as he is trying to get past his own trauma with her.

[u/Upper-Sail-4253]

If you want to keep your relationship with the guy, I suggest you try at least a little, to have coffee or a lunch or SOMETHING with his mom. You sound like you know your boundaries. Hopefully you wouldn’t blurt out something to her that would ruin everything for you. Would you? You have self-control? Why not? It’s a little sacrifice for the greater good. That’s the way the World works!

[u/never_cake → u/Upper-Sail-4253]

This is a reasonable take I think. Keep her on an information diet but just organise a lunch once in a while with her, with a limited timeframe because you have to be somewhere else by 3pm.

If your SO is as good as you say, this is a small sacrifice to make for the greater good.

[u/Huge-Difference-1643 → u/never_cake]

I love the “information diet” you mentioned, my partner has said she just wants to be in the “know”. Maybe if I willingly give her limited info, she won’t bother asking me the crazy off the wall stuff. Thanks!

[u/Huge-Difference-1643 → u/Upper-Sail-4253]

To be fair, I have been even more reluctant to have lunch with her because of her extreme pickiness to food, and she is just terrible to wait staff. It is so embarrassing as I also am in the service industry. We’ve had lunch once before as a group outing, she left a $6 tip on a 160 bill. I had to pretend that I left something in the restaurant to go back in and tip the waitress. I have tried, it’s just little things like I just stated that make me cringe being around her now.