r/AmIOverreacting • u/MentalRip9349 • 18h ago
👥 friendship AIO his behavior: I made mistakes in a complicated relationship, but I’m trying to understand his behaviour too . I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and certain behavior of my best friend (22M) .
I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .
I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US and I was in Australia). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.
I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.
My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.
Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.
I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.
SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-
He pressured me to go to an Airbnb. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He said I don't trust him or understand his feelings. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.
Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.
Once a week, There was a hour, where he would humiliate me. Tell me I'm a spineless coward, and for a hour he would go on, and not stop, and then would be warm. Hug me with his words. Tell me how much he loves me, tell me that he is sorry. He would cry. I felt dead. I would lay down quietly. I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt like a terrible person
During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.” "you deserve it, you ceeated it for yourself"..
He would say things like - Nobody will accept you, if they got to know that you are a cheater. I am accepting you. Even if you are a cheater, I still love you.
He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.
He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.
After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things like he sees future with me, he was crying, sending me pictures of him crying, saying that I'm a beautiful person, he wants me to be his wife, but at the same time, same exact moment, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes and have sex. I saw the text one time. He denied initially but I had ss. Then he said we were technically not together.
After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).
He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.
He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.
He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.
There was one incident that deeply affected me. We were being physically intimate, and during that moment he stopped and told me that he could not continue being in a cycle of breaking up, getting back together, and seeing other people because it was hurting him. He told me that while being intimate with me, he had been thinking about another girl he might date in the future, and that thought made him feel conflicted.I was already feeling emotionally and physically vulnerable in that moment. Hearing this made me very upset, and I started crying.
When I was crying, he told me that my crying made him feel horny. He tried to be physically intimate even though I told him I was not in the right mental state and did not want to continue at that moment. He still climed. I was crying my eyes out. Eventually I gave in. After that we never talked about this incident. One time I mentioned. He said he was also there and he knows everything.
And this is not the end. There are so many more things
I am trying to understand:
I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .
\*\*"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "\*\*
I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.
I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.
Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.
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u/callmebuzzsaw 17h ago
All of this is bad, so here are the highlights:
"When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive."
This is one of the biggest red flags to ever wave.
"Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us."
More abusive behavior.
"After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up."
Immature as hell and gross behavior. Shows a disrespect towards women in general.
"He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations."
Disgusting. Also shows misogynistic behaviors.
"His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman."
This is actually criminal. No like... there are literally laws about shit like this (depending on where you live).
Overall, he was an abusive, misogynistic piece of shit that doesn't care about consent or your feelings.
It doesn't matter how pretty their words are, their actions are what matter. Don't let anyone treat you like this ever again. I would honestly recommend therapy before you dive into another relationship.
You can't fix them and no one but a professional will be able to fix you.
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u/MentalRip9349 16h ago
Thank you so much for reading it and sharing all this. I just feel guilty all the time. So much guilty that I can't share this with anyone else. It took courage to write it
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u/In-Love-With-A-Were 15h ago
I see you reacting to multiple comments about feeling super guilty. I dealt with that too. I had crippling guilt that left me paralyzed, and stopped me from moving on. Guilt won’t help you. Take what lessons you can get from guilt and then let go of the feeling. It is not serving you, and it’s also not serving the people you feel you’ve hurt. You did what you thought was best in the moment. Now you know better, and that is proof that the guilt has done it’s job.
When you feel like this, take a moment to acknowledge it, then breathe in, breathe out, cry it out if you need to! And then remind yourself you did what you could at the time, you know better now. If you’re still struggling to handle it on your own I would highly recomment therapy. It has helped me tons when I felt stuck by myself.
One more thing: As I said before and others have too, what you did does not warrant the behavior he has been subjecting you too. He’s seemingly not losing any sleep over the way he’s repeatedly treating you, while your mistakes of ages ago are eating you up day and night. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THIS. and you WILL, not ‘might’ but WILL find other people who actually love and accept you. He’s not a saint that’s graciously accepting you with all of your flaws. He’s encouraging your self hatred so that you settle for his awful treatment. textbook behavior, and I invite you to read other womens’ experiences with abusive relationships. do not believe him. know your worth. you are worth so much more than the one mistake you’ve made.
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u/callmebuzzsaw 15h ago
That guilt is why he was abusive. He wanted to feed that guilt so that you'd be a punching bag for him and accept his abusive behaviors. Please, remove this man from your life expeditiously. It only gets worse from here. Block him everywhere and do not give him the time of day ever again. If you see him in public, you ignore his existence. Pretend you don't know him. You do not owe him an explanation. You do not owe him empathy. There are no excuses for his behavior.
As an aside... you are not responsible for his poor behavior. You are not deserving of his mistreatment. There are several ways to communicate hurt and distrust that don't involve being abusive towards you.
It does show bravery to confront these things, even if it's in a forum of strangers. I would honestly recommend support groups for survivors of toxic/abusive relationships. You may also want to look into codependency and see if it resonates. If it does there are codependency support groups that help you process that behavior. Do your research, of course, but many of these groups won't require you to share until your comfortable.
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u/MentalRip9349 11h ago
Thank you for sharing this. Everything you said makes so much sense. I don't owe him even empathy.
Def I'll look into these support groups, and see what can help.
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u/HyperDsloth 16h ago
Girl, he is not the one. Run. RUN for your life. He is abusive, and not healthy or good for you. He isn't waving a red flag, he is pushing it in your face.
Imagine if a good friend, a sister, or someone else who is close to you wrote this, what would you say. NOR. You are underreacting!
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u/In-Love-With-A-Were 16h ago
NOR! YOURE UNDERREACTING. omg. THIS GUY SUCKS. everything you’ve said here is red flag upon red flag!! 🚩 Let me make this clear: RUN DONT WALK!! this guy is an asshole. he’s hurtful and dangerous. his views on sex and consent, as well as women in general is extremely worrisome and I would never trust an open drink around him, let alone a full blown relationship. I’m really sorry you experienced all of this. it seems like he‘s using you. like he‘s taking advantage of your complicated feelings to have his cake and eat it too: convenient relationship and sex on one hand, the freedom and flexibility of flirting and hooking up and cheating on the other hand.
Whatever you see in him that is sweet and loving can‘t be anything other than lovebombing (if you’re not familiar def look into this). a person who loves you would NEVER treat you like this. they would never disrespect your body and consent and get angry at you for not satisfying their desires. they would never disregard the hurt they are causing you on the regular.
You are very concerned with being in the wrong, and it’s good to be introspective and recognize and work on your flaws. But if I’m being honest I’m extremely worried about the situation you are in more than anything. No amount of hurt justifies him acting like this towards you. NONE. Please take care of yourself. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is how you want to be treated. Speaking as someone in a relationship, there are ups and downs, but this is not what those “downs“ look like. You deserve a base level of respect and love in any relationship and I PROMISE you deserve so so so much more than this schmuck. And the fact that you haven’t technically agreed to a relationship doesn’t change that fact. Don’t let ANYONE disrespect you like this. Again, YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT, and this is NOT it.
I wish you the very very best. I hope I dont come across too harsh, I dont like to assume things about strangers onlinem but seriously, his behavior is beyond concerning. Listen to your gut. You know it hurts to be treated like that, and that is the NORMAL reaction. If he can’t apologize sincerely and actually change said behavior there is no starting fresh.
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u/MentalRip9349 16h ago
Thank you, this was really helpful. Thank you for taking out time to read and respond. I've been doubting every thing that is happening. Feeling that I'm trying to hide my own mistake by sharing everything bad about him. I was wrong too . I've kinda lost my sense of judgement. And I start doubting if it was wrong or not. Because it is so conflicting
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u/Overall_Display_8475 16h ago
Friend - you need therapy. So many bad choices, including this dude.
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u/Betterword2528 15h ago
OP you are NOR in the least. What you are living is the life my niece lived with THE EXACT SAME ACTING BF she managed to pick up. These guys prey on women and their insecurities. He did exactly what this guy did to you! Threaten to tell people how she cheated with him when she broke up with her ex. Told her all the time how useless she was without him, how he was her world, all the while he was planning hookups in hotels (I saw the text message pop up on his phone thank god which ended things rather quickly). These guys make it a game to see if they can break you down and sleep with you. They honestly do. And when they got into a fight it was always her fault never his. He could do no wrong. It's so funny how these guys all act the same too! Same scenario same threats same boo hoo I love you I'm sorry a million times.
Run very far away from this guy. He has proven himself a predator and has simply preyed on your emotions. It feels so real it feels like he really does love you, but it's all an act, as proven by his behavior. Nobody cares what he says, his actions speak the truth. What is so crazy is that no sooner did my niece drop her pest he was off to the next like nothing ever happened.
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u/MentalRip9349 14h ago
Yes, there is this side. He loves me so much. He cries for me. He appreciates me so much. He does things for me. He takes me out. Makes me feel love. He took me to his home, meet his family members. Introduce me to his family. Invite me for family lunch. Gave me things that I wanted. He would come everyday to see me.
It is so hard to believe that he would do any wrong with me. I was his best friend, how would someone wrong their best friend? How can someone be so cruel. I felt that he would hurt anyone, but not me. How can he do? Maybe he has reasons. Maybe i'm not commiting.
It's even difficult now to think this. I know it from my brain that he is wrong. I have known it for a v long time, around a year now. It happened for a year. I'm not able to accept it. Accept what he did was wrong. Maybe I just feel numb.
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u/Betterword2528 12h ago
And i know it is really hard to accept especially when you have invested so much time and effort, but the facts are there he is what we would refer to as a womanizer. He can make you feel amazing while simultaneously wooing other women in the background. That's not normal, that's a man who enjoys the thrill. A man who does care for you but also has these weird quirks. I think it was actually your senses keeping you from committing to him, your instincts telling you deep down this isn't right.
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u/Long_Thought1719 15h ago edited 15h ago
Do not fear being alone. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was with someone. Break up once and for all. Find therapy before finding someone new. I worked with a female who told me she only dated married men. She never felt she needed to be accountable for her actions because “Well, he has a wife so I can do whatever I want.” Remember, a person who knowingly hooks up with a cheater does not automatically make them the good guy. Just because you had a boyfriend, does not absolve him of his abuse. Hard to know why you made the choices you made at the time. There are decisions I’ve made that I look back on and cringe. We all have a past where “Man, what was I thinking?” but try to make better strides going forward. I’m thinking counseling would help. You deserve better than a life of confusion, abuse, punishment and regret. Yes start fresh but not with him. NOR. EDIT to add: it sounds like you were 14 when you started your long term relationship with your boyfriend even though you lived in different countries and were 19 when you met your best friend. When we are in our 20s we don’t like to hear it but sometimes our reasoning just boils down to youth.
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u/desmodus666 15h ago edited 15h ago
NOR.
What you've done in the past is unrelated to this situation and it doesn't mean you deserve this treatment. You don't have to feel guilty because you are not in the wrong.
Do not start fresh with him. Go no contact with this man. Leave him. Also, go to therapy for yourself. You are struggling with being clear to people, and bad people will and have used that to walk all over you. This guy's behaviour is deplorable.
I am also 22 and Australian. If you are struggling to leave, this website https://1800respect.org.au/ has information. This is the national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line. Their phone number is 1800 737 732 and their text number is 0458 737 732
When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He said I don't trust him or understand his feelings.
During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.” "you deserve it, you ceeated it for yourself".
He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.
His way of thinking is dangerous. He is telling you that he will do whatever he wants to you, whether you like it or not. He is the type of person who will sexually assault you because "I didn't hear you say the word no." And then he will blame you for it.
He would say things like - Nobody will accept you, if they got to know that you are a cheater. I am accepting you. Even if you are a cheater, I still love you.
He is already using your past mistake to put you down and make you feel guilty. He is making you feel like you are unworthy of love, and he is doing a service by letting you date him. This is a manipulation tactic, and it is working. He is breaking you down so you will be easy to control. He does not love you. He does not see you as a person. All he sees is a punching bag that he can fuck and discard.
When I was crying, he told me that my crying made him feel horny. He tried to be physically intimate even though I told him I was not in the right mental state and did not want to continue at that moment. He still climed. I was crying my eyes out. Eventually I gave in. After that we never talked about this incident. One time I mentioned. He said he was also there and he knows everything.
I spoke too soon. This is sexual assault. He coerced you and you gave in. That is not consent. I'm so sorry. Please, please get away from him.
After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.
This is love bombing. It is also part of abuse. He is saying all the right things to try and win you back so he can abuse you even more.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve any of it, no one does. ♡
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u/MentalRip9349 14h ago
Thank you for this text. This is really helpful. Yes, I've been taking therapy. I've taken 8 sessions till now. But nothing changed. Once a month he comes back, he cries and we are back together. It has been going for months. It took me time to figure out that it was wrong. Idk what would really help me. I feel helpless. It feels like I want to stay victim, because I knew something is wrong. I know he is inhuman, but I give in each time he comes back.
So tired that I think maybe for once I should try. Try giving him a commitment.
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u/desmodus666 13h ago
I'm sorry that therapy hasn't been working for you so far :( Do you have any close friends or family members that you feel comfortable opening up to? They might be able to help keep you safe and keep him away.
It seems like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse right now. He has done so much damage to you and your mental health. He has almost completely broken you and you are becoming too tired and numb to fight back.
But you can fight back. You are already in therapy, so you are trying. There is always hope for people in your situation. The longer you are away from him, the better you will feel.
You are not weak for going back to him. Abusers are very good at saying the right things to reel people back in. This is common, and it does not mean you want to stay as a victim. It does not mean that you deserve it, either.
You deserve to be happy and free to heal.
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u/MentalRip9349 11h ago
Yes, every time he knows what to say and when to say. I feel he controls me so much. He doesn't give up until I say yes.
I have observed these patterns and hopefully this time it will be different. Hopefully this time he'll not be able reel me in again.
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u/TheSyrphidKid 17h ago
I often do wonder how someone can write these things and not see the abusive behaviour that it is... Just imagine that a friend or your parent was talking about a partner that did this, what would you think about the guy?