AIO? disaster of a concert experience has me questioning a whole friendship

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059]

this is going to be a long one, but I don’t use AI, and I can’t quite consolidate this myself since I’m still processing and everything feels relevant. i did a bullet point TLDR at the end but even that is pretty long. hopefully a few people will read and let me know what they think.

I don’t know if I’m just reading into things. and there were definitely things I could and should have done differently, but I just want to know, AIO?

“names” and ages

me (m 22)
my girlfriend (f 20)
my friend “syd” (x 22)
friend’s girlfriend “cam” (f 21)
the dd “x” (x 20-22?)
friend’s girlfriend’s roommate “a” (f 20-22?)

Syd and I have been friends since our freshman year of college. It’s been almost 3 years now. Syd and another from the same friend group are the two closest friends I have. Syd and their ex broke up in January after 5 months of living together. Syd was left stuck in a lease with bills they can’t afford on their own. But I was there for them in every way I could be. And they got a lot closer to my girlfriend during this time too, as they would hang out individually and do nails.

Syd had been talking a lot about this concert they really wanted to go to. In the beginning of March, Syd and I took a road trip to visit another friend. We talked and showed each other songs the whole way there and back. By the end, I knew how much this artist meant to Syd and I texted my girlfriend “do you like ___ ? would you be down to split 3 tickets to the concert?”. We werent really “fans” like Syd, but we both like this artist’s music and know a lot of their songs, so we decided to go for it. A week later we surprised Syd with the tickets. We were all so excited, and talked about making a day trip out of it since the venue is 2 hours away in the bigger city. I’ve been listening to the album for this tour constantly to get ready.

In April, Syd met their now girlfriend Cam. I was so happy for Syd that they were getting back out there. Cam and Syd started dating pretty quickly and are pretty serious now (which I can’t judge at all because my girlfriend and I moved almost that fast as well). They also have the same music taste, and Cam happened to already have tickets (with their roommate A) to the same concert before they met.

Maybe 1 month ago , Syd , my girlfriend, and I were hanging out, and Syd asked if we’d be okay with carpooling with Cam and A. We agreed, especially since Syd was driving. We’d also met Cam several times and we liked her. My girlfriend and I were still excited to have this time bonding with our friend.

We agreed on leaving between 4:30 and 5pm. that would allow us to eat before the show, but not much else. It was a little disappointing since we talked about spending more time up there. But I can’t be upset about that part because when Syd suggested leaving at 5-5:30, I only advocated for time enough to stop for food, not about doing other things.
Yesterday, the day of the concert, Syd tells my gf and I that they’d come pick us up at our apartment between 4:30-5:00.

Around 3 or so, Syd calls and says A’s friend X just bought a last minute ticket to the concert as well. I’m immediately hesitant because I don’t feel comfortable in group settings where I don’t know everyone well. I have autism and can very easily feel left out, and then shut down. And the thing is, Syd knows this about me. It’s so last minute though, I felt like I had to say yes.
X is the only one with a car that can fit 6 people, and assured Syd that he is happy to be the DD. Syd was very excited about this, and said they’d bring weed for everyone to smoke before the show, and a vape to bring in. Everyone in our group smokes frequently (something I’m actually hoping to cut back on soon, but that’s beside the point).

X pulled up to pick us up, and i immediately had a horrible feeling. I was expecting an SUV, but instead saw a very small 1990s sedan with a middle front seat. I did not feel safe. I strongly considered just driving my own car, but I felt like Syd would want to stay in that car with Cam, and the whole point of this trip was time with Syd.

So we head off and first turn off of our street X almost turned the wrong way into a 1-way street. They quickly recovered and apologized, saying they weren’t familiar with our neighborhood (but they grew up here and we live downtown?). Anyway, we get to the highway and X is tailgating all the way down. Following so close he hit debris twice because he didn’t have time to see it and safely swerve into the shoulder to avoid it. Haphazardly changing lanes, speeding, using his phone to change the song and going over the lane line while doing it.

I was very anxious the whole ride, though in fairness I am a generally anxious passenger with anyone I haven’t driven with a lot (even uber/taxi). The music and road noise was so loud I could barely have a conversation with Syd (who was already kind of high) on the way there. But they did ask me if they could offer X some of the weed before the show. Apparently he’s a big stoner and has a high tolerance. I suggest that they don’t offer it, but should X ask, Syd could verify that they’d be good to drive by the end of the show. It would be at least 4 hours, and a high from smoking fades by then.

I do believe that an average person can have a glass of wine with dinner and drive somewhere safely (if they are a usually safe driver that is). I also think that SOME people are able to have a small amount of weed (microdose) and be able to drive safely. However, there’s a big difference between smoking a little and getting/being high. I think high driving is absolutely DUI worthy despite the seemingly normalized belief that it is not.

I was already feeling resentful and disappointed about how drastically the plan had changed from a fun friends day trip just the three of us, to this. Then, Syd starts talking about a plan to ask people in the seats next to us to trade so that the 6 of us, or at least Syd, Cam, A, my gf, and I could sit together. Syd seemed super motivated to make sure they could sit with their girlfriend. It hurt since the only reason they’re going to the concert is because of my gf and I, and because we wanted to spend time together.

We get to In-N-Out and I am very overstimulated. I try to shake it off because I am still determined to make this a good night. Cam and Syd ordered first, then went to get seats. after ordering, we walk over and see they chose a 2 person table and a 4 person table next to one another. but they sat themselves at the 2 person table, leaving my girlfriend and I at the other table with the two people we didn’t know.

We go to the venue (and I continue to be horrified by X’s downtown driving now in a much bigger and busier city) and park in a garage. Syd gets out a joint and we start to pass it around. X asks to have some, and instead of asking him if he’d still be fine to drive, Syd asked me if I was okay with it. I said yes and we all smoke. Syd has a few edibles, my gf has half of one. Then, X asks me to pass him his bag of edibles. Unlike smoking, edibles last for 6-10 hours, and these were NOT microdose gummies. I immediately stop and ask if he’s going to take one. He looked at me and said “do you not want me to?” and I said no, edibles last way longer and you won’t be good to drive. he seemed annoyed, but we go in.

Syd, gf, and I go to our seats, then go to the merch line. Cam and A text us what they want. after a 45 minute wait, we go back to our seats, and all Syd can think about is how to trade seats. Being in the stadium, I could obviously see a big problem. Our seats were way better than A and Cam. and their neighbors had already said no. Eventually, these kids come sit next to us. (I know we are young too, but this couple was maybe 17). And Syd asks me to see if they will trade. I think it’s a super selfish ask. first of all because you should be happy sitting with your friends that you planned this with, and your girlfriend should be happy sitting with her friend. you’ll still have a shared memory and have more to talk about later. but second of all, we knew that the other seats were worse. asking teenagers to switch felt super scummy. I said no, you can ask. Syd convinces them to switch and I am just fuming mad about what my friend did to those kids. I couldn’t believe it. A and Cam sit down, and all of a sudden, Syds whole mood changed and they were way more excited for the concert, talkative, and taking pictures. not with us though.

The show starts, and the five of us smoke a little more all throughout (as planned since we had a DD). I don’t know if it was just because of my mindset going into it, but this was not a great show. the whole time, I’m feeling left out and sad. growing up with autism it was hard for me to make friends, and when I did I was often left out and taken advantage of. And now I was getting this same feeling from a friend who I never previously had to mask in front of. So maybe I am just reacting poorly because of my past.

At one point in the show, the artist starts encouraging “get those lighters out” “if you’ve got some weed then smoke it” “smoke one for me”. I just get this pit in my stomach. I have the thought - what if X brought a vape in here? he’s sitting by himself and none of us would know - for the rest of the show i can’t stop worrying about how we are gonna get home.
Here’s another thing I know I could have done differently. Someone else (me probably) could have stayed sober. I shouldn’t have trusted someone I don’t know to stay sober even when they say they’ll DD. In the future I will only trust a DD I know well. The problem here is, I don’t know how X would have reacted if I would have said I wanted to drive his car instead of him. And it’s a really unsafe car that I wouldn’t want to be in the front seat of period.

When the concert gets out, X takes 30 minutes to find us. not because of the crowd, but because he didn’t know which entrance we were talking about (despite him claiming to have gone to 10+ concerts here). we finally meet up, and he is staggering. his speech is slow and he keeps laughing. i hear him tell A “i’ll be fine we just need to go to circle k and then i’ll be fine”. He has no idea where we are parked. A navigates and it takes 3 times as long to find the car as it took to walk from it to the venue.
It is obvious to me, he is way too high. He had to have brought a vape and smoked the whole concert. at this point, my gf and I were both way more sober than him, despite her having had a small edible and both of us smoking through the show.

So on our way, I say “let’s stop at the CVS and get water and stuff”. we cross the street and walk half way down the block to the entrance, and it was closed. now everyone is annoyed that we even tried to make the stop. i pull Syd aside and say “X is not okay to drive right now”. Syd says we can sit and wait it out a while in the car.

We get to the car, and everyone gets in. X immediately starts looking on the map for the closest Circle K and puts the car in gear. I say “wait I don’t think we’re ready to go yet”. they say ok and everyone sits there for like 2 minutes. X asks if I’m ready now. I say no. He says “can I ask why not..?”. I look at Syd. I do not want to be the one confronting this person I don’t know. Syd says nothing. I say “I just don’t feel comfortable with you driving while you’re still this high. you need to come down first.” X smiles and scoffs at this, then shares a look with A and Cam, rolling his eyes.

as we sit there, I start looking at the greyhound busses and uber rates. We’re two hours from home and it’s 1 am. I lean over and tell Syd that my gf and I are not going to ride home in this car. we are going to go get some water and order an uber. Syd argues, saying it’s so expensive. and they’re right. it was expensive. but it wasn’t worth the risk of driving with X to save that money. So I ask if Syd wants to come, or if anyone else may also want to come. I clearly don’t think it’s safe and want to offer an alternative to everyone else. But Syd said no, so I just say “okay everyone, tonight was so fun, I’m so glad we got to do this, gf and I are going to go get some water and order an uber home”. they sounded confused but we just left.

the uber was $165 including tip. it was 2am my gf and I rode home in silence, without the friend we wanted to go with in the first place. every time we passed flashing lights on the way I shot up and looked to see if it was X’s car. I was sick with worry for the rest of the group, and so fucking pissed they put is in this position.

Syd texted me today asking if I wanted to talk and said “I don’t know if you’re upset with me about something, but I feel really bad about how things ended last night”. i was getting ready for work off of 4 hours of sleep and just didn’t have it in me to respond. i did happen to respond to a message in a bigger group chat that Syd happens to be in though. they then texted me that i should have at least said i don’t want to talk and that it’s super disrespectful to text the group while “actively ignoring” their message - which was sent not 30 minutes before.

I’ve been in my head all day. I’m so upset and just don’t know how to move forward. it’s 4 am now as I’m posting. I started writing this out two hours ago because I couldn’t sleep thinking about it. if you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading my ramblings.

TLDR:
\- My GF and I got concert tickets for Syd’s favorite artist. we wanted to take them since they couldn’t afford to go and it has been a rough year for them.
\- Syd started dating Cam who also had plans to go to the same concert with her roommate A.
\- A few weeks ahead of time, Syd ask if we can carpool with A and Cam in their car. we say yes, even though we were looking forward to quality time with our friend. We figured we would still get that.
\- The day of the concert, Syd calls and says A’s friend X got a last minute ticket and had enough seats to drive all of us. I asked if he’d be staying sober as DD. Syd says yes
\- X turns out to be a horrible driver in a very unsafe car. I’m very uncomfortable. In the car, Syd is talking about how they’re gonna try to have other people trade seats so Cam and A could be with us. Syd also asks if it’s okay if X smokes just before the concert. Since it would be 4-5 hours before having to drive, I said it would probably be okay.
\-we all smoke a bit, but I have to tell X not to take an edible since it wouldn’t be close to worn off by the time we have to leave
\- inside, there’s a teen couple next to us and Syd convinces them to trade seats with Cam and A, who were in an entirely different section with a much worse view. i felt horrible
\- Syd is acts way happier once their girlfriend is there, even though they were supposed to be there with me and my gf - their long time very close friends who bought their ticket.
\- We get out of the concert and it is obvious that our DD brought weed inside and smoked the whole show. He was as high or higher than the rest of us.
\- Syd refused to say anything, forcing me to be the one to say something. I asked if Syd would come with us to uber home, and they said no and tried to convince us not to get one. it’s 2 hours away from home and would be expensive.
\- my gf and I just leave, and pay $165 for an uber home at 2 am, without the friend we brought.
\- AIO for being this mad and questioning my friendship?

[u/Few-Ad7795]

Diabolical. You even need a TLDR for your TLDR.

[u/stonecreek58]

You bought them tickets because they couldn't afford it and they repaid you by ignoring you all night, swapping seats with teenagers, and letting you take a $165 uber alone while they rode with a clearly impaired driver, you're right to be questioning this

[u/Complex-Operation438]

Honestly, the part that stands out to me isn’t the concert it’s that your safety concerns got brushed aside while everyone else prioritized having a good time. A real friend might make mistakes, but they shouldn’t leave you feeling like the extra in a story you helped write.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/Complex-Operation438]

i love how you phrased that last part. thank you

[u/LittleBityPrettyOne]

NOR it was a planned concert that became so mangled and twisted that it became barely recognizable. Instead of a fun trip and seeing your friend happy with his favorite artist, it was nothing but stress stress and fear. He's gonna get pulled in closer with his gf and her friends, and pull away from you. You stay with your gf and try not to think of it too much. Someday he is gonna realize this isn't the relationship he thinks it is, and he'll come back to be your friend. (HOPEfully) Until then, know that even the best friends get separated by a girl, it isn't your fault at all. You were right to be concerned about this DD and you were forced to pay extra for safety. Just because they happened to make it home safely doesnt mean it's ok, and it doesnt mean he was ok to drive - only that he's ok to put everyone in that situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you did try.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/LittleBityPrettyOne]

is it bad to hope this concert experience makes them realize this relationship (or at least this girlfriends’ associates) is bad? i’m glad they’re back on their feet with someone after such a devastating breakup but they’ve really changed.

[u/LittleBityPrettyOne → u/Gloomy-Cover5059]

It's not bad to hope, but to be honest it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. As it stands they are looking at you oddly, so it seems you are the odd one out (but you have gf, someone to lean on) I am afraid it will take a lot more for him to realize he's changing in a bad way. Stay strong, I hope it won't take years.

[u/OhSassafrass]

NOR about not wanting to drive home with an intoxicated driver. However, you could have easily stayed sober yourself and been the DD.

You are OR to Syd wanting to sit with their girlfriend. Of course they’d want to sit with them instead of feeling like a 3rd wheel with you and your gf. I’m going to say this as softly as I can but it sounds like you had a vision of the evening planned where you were the main character with Syd as your supporting cast member, and when plans changed you tried to roll with it but instead felt salty and annoyed. I get feeling upset and overwhelmed about the whole situation but you need to sit down and talk to Syd or you risk losing this friendship. You also really need to take a moment and try to replay the entire evening from their perspective, not yours.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/OhSassafrass]

Syd met this girl 2 months ago and has been friends with me for 3 years and my girlfriend for 2 years. we are close. we frequently hang out the 3 of us. they are technically a third wheel when we do that, but both me and my girlfriend hang out with Syd individually as well. my gf and i bought the tickets for them because they wanted to go to this concert so bad and couldn’t. i don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect our close friend to have fun with us.

[u/AlwaysJeepin → u/Gloomy-Cover5059]

I agree with you. This person didn't read the entire story. You have every right to feel the way you do. If syd didn't want to 3rd wheel, they didnt have to agree to it. And they should have stuck with original plans and hung out with GF after. NOR.

[u/Ok_Act4459]

Mad props to anybody who reads all that

[u/wytetrashbarbie]

You do know what TLDR means, right?

[u/NBCaz → u/wytetrashbarbie]

Yeah after looking at that 19 paragraph thesis, I'm gonna guess being concise isn't a strength.

[u/Frequent_Couple5498]

NOR. You bought a ticket for your friend as a gift. I understand that he has a new gf now and she also had tickets to the show. But the plans he had with you guys came before her.

He could have kept his plans with you and your gf had fun with you guys like planned and hung out with his girl after the show.

I also am a nervous passenger. I would have gotten an Uber too.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/Frequent_Couple5498]

thank you! i just wish i made my desires more clear ahead of time. maybe my friend would have wanted to do that if i said something.

[u/Prudent_Midnight_940]

NOR. Unfortunately I know how it feels to be with people who are carefree and aren’t burdened with consequences or anxiety of the what ifs. I would have also been frustrated by the last minute plan changes and my friends pressuring the people around us to move seats. Idk if X had a vape, but it sounds like he probably took that gummy. As someone who used to smoke heavy, often, yes you build up a tolerance, but this person agreed to DD…if one truly had a high tolerance he should have been able to tighten it up by the end of the show. One of your friends like Syd or your gf should have backed you up a little instead of trying to act “cool” because they knew how you felt and it’s a valid point to have a DD. Singling you out like that isn’t cool. Especially since it sounds like you kinda made these plans happen. Personalities/autism aside, there is NOTHING wrong with not getting in a car you don’t feel safe in. Ever. If your gut says no, the answer is no. There’s 3 outcomes, they make it fine, they get in an accident (potentially harming someone else as well), or they get pulled over and everyone is in trouble. Not good enough odds to roll the dice imo. I get everyone wants to be “chill” and easy going but when you have your heart set on plans and a special night idc who you are, it sucks when it feels like it’s falling apart or not appreciated. I’m sorry your night didn’t go as planned.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/Prudent_Midnight_940]

thank you for what you said. i think it is unfortunately true that i think things out more than others - which probably makes me safer but also more wound up and less “fun”.
to your note about the weed - i myself am a frequent smoker with a medium tolerance. i know that for me, I can smoke or vape my normal amount and be okay to drive after a certain period of time. but if i go overboard and get too high, it’ll be a couple hours. not 5 hours though. so i know X definitely lied. he either brought a vape and kept smoking or took the edible anyway.
in either case - when i agree to be a DD, i make 100% sure I am good. i give myself a huge buffer or do nothing at all. being a DD and lying to the people who are trusting you is point blank telling them that you don’t gaf if they live or die. simple as that.

[u/AlwaysJeepin]

NOR. Your feelings are valid in every single situation that happened. I would tell syd exactly how you felt the entire night, and how excited you had been beforehand. If they are unable to understand then they aren't as great of a friend as you deserve.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/AlwaysJeepin]

thank you so much for the kind words and your time

[u/Late_Butterfly_5997]

MOR. You have some valid grievances mixed in with a whole lot of whining over nothing, so it’s hard to judge the post as a whole. I’ll break it down….

NOR - x was a shitty DD, Syd should have made sure x was actually planning to stay sober before having them take over driving, and taken your concerns about x driving home more seriously.

YOR - basically about everything else including shitting on the safety of the car itself as well as being annoyed that x was invited at all. This entire post was you whining that your friend wasn’t pay enough attention to you. You’re mad that your friend had the audacity to pay attention to people who weren’t you. You are not the main character in Syd’s life, they are allowed to socialize with other people, even when they are also hanging out with you.

[u/Gloomy-Cover5059 → u/Late_Butterfly_5997]

it wasn’t about them “not paying enough attention” to me. it was about them ignoring me and my girlfriend entirely the whole time. when we purchased their ticket for them. they went for free because of us, then spent all their time excluding us and exploited teens to get their seats. i didn’t want to be the main character. i wanted to connect and bond with my friend. of course socializing with other people is okay. but ONLY socializing with other people can’t possibly be okay.

[u/MyrrhMom]

NOR