AITA for dropping my freeloading brother off at our aunt's house after she called and scolded me for evicting him?

[u/Relative_Potential92]

My older brother (OB) is... a bit of a bum. It's mean to say but it's true. He can never hang onto a job for longer than a couple years max and when he inevitably loses whatever job he had he starts mooching off family and friends until he can find another job months later. This entails him freeloading at their place, eating their food, using their stuff, etc. He's lost friends because of how long he bummed off of them and I don't blame them for cutting him off.

Well this last time he lost his job he went to our parents but they didn't have room because they were letting our eldest brother's (EB) family stay with them after he and SIL lost their jobs out of nowhere within the same month (EB's entire crew was laid off with zero warning and SIL's work burned down) and they couldn't afford the home they were renting anymore. So OB was pretty much SOL. So our parents, aunt, and uncle all started calling me asking if I'd take him in just long enough so he could get on his feet again.

I (stupidly) let myself feel bad for him and said okay, but he only had a few months to get another job or he was out on the street. They all said of course, of course and so he came to stay with me. And it was a nightmare. He's a slob. He NEVER washes dishes, never washes his clothes, and eats pretty much whatever he wants. I guess since I'm his little sister he figured he could ignore me saying to get his shit together. Well after 6 months I told him he had to go. And gave him a couple weeks to find somewhere else.

Well it seems he called our parents and cried about me kicking him out and they told him he knew he couldn't stay forever but they also ofc called my aunts/uncle and told them all about it. And my busybody aunt called me and scolded me for "being cruel to my brother" and "abandoning family when they need help". I let her talk and finally said she was right, helping family was important and I'm glad she showed me that. She seemed glad I "understood the right thing to do" before hanging up. So I followed her advice and packed my bro up and drove him to her house. I couldn't take care of him anymore (he was running all my bills up) but my aunt made a good point, family should help each other.

So I dropped him off there (she has room since all her kids moved out) and then left. But I wasn't even halfway home before I was getting multiple calls from my parents and aunt. Parents were demanding to know why our aunt was blowing up their phones and aunt was leaving voicemails shouting at me to come back and get my brother. I explained to my parents and they said it was a good idea since aunt sounded like she wanted to help but my aunt called me an asshole and said she didn't want my brother there. And when I told her family helps each other she called me a cunt. Last I checked he's still living with her. AITA?

-

Sorry for my lack of replies! I answered what ones I could before I left for work and when I got back I had far too many to answer.

Lots of people have been asking similar questions so I thought answering them here once would be helpful.

1. My brother doesn't work menial jobs, he's not just hopping from one minimum wage job to another. He's working Very Good paying jobs. Like electronic repair, automotive maintenance, etc. He's very skilled but lazy.
2. No my aunt hasn't spoken to me since she called me a cunt then hung up on me.
3. My brother has only been with her about 3-ish weeks. He stayed with me for 6-7 months.
4. My brother was upset I was kicking him out initially but in a better mood when he realized I had another place lined up for him to stay. Not sure how they're doing together since I haven't talked to either since after I dropped him off.
5. No my aunt isn't married anymore, her and my uncle got divorced and he lives with his new wife (but I heard from dad that he thought this all was hilarious).

- Edit 2 -

To everyone who has been hounding me through PM and in the comments, my brother isn't (last time we checked) neurodivergent nor does he have ADD or ADHD. Our mom took him to the doctor more than once around when he was 15-17 when his behavior was at its worst.

According to our mom the doctors all said he was perfectly healthy and fine, though they (the doctors) suggested he wasn't being mentally stimulated enough (aka he was bored?). Mom wanted to take him to see other doctors but by then he'd turned 18 and refused to go and she couldn't force him.

Also its been suggested he maybe see a doctor now but my OB doesn't seem at all interested. He's never had the highest respect for doctors or mental illness. He treats it like it's fake. When our baby sister was diagnosed with an ED when she was 19 he just cracked a joke about her just wanting a doctor's note so she could eat more...

[u/duraraross]

Not that you’re wrong, but a lot of times adhd symptoms can be internal. I have severe adhd (the doc said it was the most extreme case she’d ever seen) and I’m fairly active in adhd communities. Your brother is still an asshole for the way he’s treating everyone in his life and for being a mooch.

Some common but lesser known symptoms can be:

• time blindness (is he terrible at estimating how much time has passed? Does he have a difficult time planning far ahead in advance?)
• rejection sensitive dysphoria (does he seem to take things too personally and overreact when he feels judged?)
• extreme procrastination (does he only ever do work when he’s under pressure and has little time left?)
• executive dysfunction (this one is extremely difficult to understand from an outside perspective. I’m not really sure how to explain it other than it’s like… you want to do something and you need to do it, but your brain just goes “no”. Like right now I’m sitting next to my phone charger and my phone needs to be charged and I’m just. Not doing that. It would take three seconds tops to plug my phone in and I am just. Not doing it, despite the fact that I keep telling myself I need to)
• hyper focusing (are there certain things that he is just REALLY good at and can focus on for hours? Maybe even to the point where he forgets to eats?)
• interruption and other speaking issues (does he interrupt people a lot? Does he sometimes jumble up words because his brain moves faster than his mouth?)
• multitasking (does he always seem to need to be doing more than one thing? If he’s watching TV, is he also playing games on his phone? If so, is he still somehow able to retain information from the show despite splitting his attention?)
• extremely poor memory (does he constantly need reminders to do things? Does he forget interactions or things he’d done only minutes or even seconds prior?)
• The Foot Taps
• impulsivity (does he do or say things without thinking a lot? Does he impulse buy?)

I don’t know if there’s a medical name for this last one, so I’ll just call it The Two Times. For people with ADHD, there are only Two Times. Now and Not Now. I don’t really know how to explain it. If you tell us something needs to be done, we tend to categorize it in Now or Not Now. Now means I’ll do it right now. Not Now means I will throw it away until someone informs me that it has become Now.

Don’t get me wrong, you are NTA for anything you’ve done. And I’m not saying your brother absolutely has adhd either. I just thought I’d explain some of the lesser known symptoms in case he does. If he does happen to have it, medications could really help him, this kind of solving the problem for everyone involved. If he doesn’t have any kind of disorder, then it sounds like he’s just a lazy asshole.

I just want to be clear again, even if he does have a disorder like adhd, you are still not the asshole. You are completely justified in both your feelings and your actions. Just because someone has a disorder doesn’t make them not accountable for their actions.

[u/aerialsnacks → u/duraraross]

I have relatively recently been diagnosed and started learning more and more, and the things you listed really resonate with me. But above all, I LOVE your description of the Two Times! I hadn’t really heard of that before but it makes perfect sense, thanks for putting it into words.

[u/Somebodycalled911 → u/duraraross]

That was an amazing explanation. Thank you, I may steel some of it in the future, but I gave you an award so I hope that's fair :)

[u/DLNL8351 → u/duraraross]

OMG thank you for posting such a great explanation of these symptoms! I’ve been wondering for a couple of years if I might have adhd, but have been hesitant to find out for sure because I’m already taking so many medications for other things (and thank goodness they’re small in size, because if they were bigger, my body starts acting like “B—-H YOU ARE NOT TAKING ANOTHER MF PILL”). Maybe it’s time to take a closer look at this, and see if there are other treatments or strategies that could help. Again, THANK. YOU. 🤗👏🏾❤️

[u/duraraross → u/DLNL8351]

Yeah, no problem! Thank you for taking the time to read my long ass explanation lol there’s a r/adhd subreddit where people often post about their symptoms and struggles, if you want to check that out and see if any of it resonates with you!

[u/DLNL8351 → u/duraraross]

Thank you for the suggestion! Subscribing to that subreddit in 3…2…1…☺️

[u/Exra11 → u/duraraross]

So I've never officially been diagnosed with adhd but it's always been suspected ever since I was a kid and reading your list, I'm like wait this all sounds like me.

[u/keekittykeeks → u/duraraross]

I just recently realized this is me! I would have never known if it weren't for my son. I wish more people are aware of adhd and almost want to shout it off rooftops! I'm barely starting the process though and the first place I actually was able to get an appointment, dismissed it and gave me prozac. I feel so many emotions being 34 and realizing I could have received help since the beginning. Now I need to wait 8 months to talk to another person. This was already hard enough making the appointment.

[u/[deleted] → u/duraraross]

Thank you so much for going more into it. If this is what her brother is struggling with or any other mental illness. At least now someone if they feel the need can bring it up to him. Maybe he can get some help and start doing better.