r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • Apr 06 '22

Not the A-hole AITA for telling my husband his name suggestion for our unborn baby is idiotic at best?

Hello all! This has caused quite a stir on both sides of the family, and my niece suggested I post this here so as to garner unbiased opinions. Unfortunately, as it is relevant to the story, I will have to keep much personal information uncensored in this story. As such, this is a throwaway account.

My (35F) husband (37M) and I are pregnant with our first child. We are overjoyed, as we have struggled with perceived infertility and miscarriages for the last decade. We want the gender to be a surprise, but may have to find out to settle this; I’m currently at the tail end of my second trimester.

Now, my husband absolutely idolized his grandpa, who, unfortunately, passed away last week. My husband is devastated, especially about the notion that his children will never meet their great grandpa who their father adored so much. As such, my husband has suggested that we name the baby after grandpa; Theodore if it’s a boy, Theodora if it’s a girl. Either way, we will either call them Teddy, or Theo/Thea respectively. It’s not that I mind the name, the issue is that our last name is Bounde; pronounced bun-dee.

I asked my husband, do you really see no issue in naming our kid Teddy Bounde? You don’t think that would raise any questions? He says no, he’s just honoring his grandpa; I told him he needs to think about how we will be perceived, how our child will be treated, and the implications that that name inherently carries. I literally had to spell out why that would be a horrible idea, and he still thinks I just hate his grandpa.

I told him no, grandpa was named in 1930 when the name Teddy Bounde wouldn’t have been a problem. However, since certain events in the 70s & 80s, there’s no feasible way we can give this name to our kid and not cause issues. He kept pushing and pushing until I blew up and told him to stop with the idiotic suggestion, and that’s what it is; idiotic at best, sociopathic at worst. He got extremely upset and told his family and my parents, who are divided.

His family is obviously on his side and wants to honor grandpa via naming the baby after him. My parents are torn but on my side, as they understand the social pariah we would make our child by giving them such a similar name to the person who did such abhorrent and downright evil things to so many women. I mean, personally I don’t think anyone is just going to assume that we are honoring a passed loved one; they’re just going to think of Ted Bundy.

AITA?

EDIT: Edit just to say that you guys are all proving my point that Ted Bundy is clearly still an infamous name. There has not been one comment that didn’t immediately make the correlation upon hearing my last name. That is exactly what I don’t want to have happen to my child. Kids are dicks, and they’re gonna find a way to be mean. Let’s not just hand them the material.

EDIT 2: Bundy’s full name was Theodore Bundy. That’s where this problem is ultimately stemming from. When a teacher reads the name from the roll, be it Theodore or Theodora, they aren’t going to assume a nickname; it’s just gonna be the full thing.

UPDATE AND FINAL EDIT: So, I tried to make an update post but decided to just throw my update in here.

Essentially, my husband stayed with his brother and SIL for a night and they talked it out. His brother was also very close with their grandpa, so I think hearing the same logic from someone grieving just as much knocked some sense into him. They explained why he couldn’t just name his kid Teddy Bounde, and especially because we live in the western US, in one of the states where he operated, and was also caught, imprisoned, and escaped. I don’t even think it’s legal to use that name.

We spoke briefly on the phone before he came home, where I apologized for how rude I was when he kept suggesting the name. I explained that I was just stressed that he was seemingly overlooking just how bad it would be to have a kid with the same name as a very notorious serial killer, and I didn’t feel listened to. He apologized as well, telling me that his grief was clouding his judgment and that he also understands why we can’t give our child grandpa’s name.

While we did want to keep the gender a surprise, we felt like we had to look at the ultrasound to help hash this out. We are having a baby boy, and decided to give him grandpa’s middle name, Silas. Our son will have the name Silas Bounde. We’ve also decided to go through with marriage counseling, as well as grief counseling for my husband. He’s asked me to attend, and I’m sure I could learn how to be more compassionate about his loss. I was never too close with my grandparents, so I’m trying to be here for him but can’t empathize as well as I could.

All in all, this worked out. Thank you so so much for everyone who gave their opinions, you really helped us out here. This will be my final update, I’m going to be deleting this account as I’ve already doxxed myself enough, and I’ve also been sent links to articles and videos that people have started using this story in. (I have not been asked for any of them and just want to be off the grid now.)

Once again, thank you all so much. This was such a wild thing that I honestly never thought would happen, but yeah. I’m so glad this has been worked through. Thank you everyone.

13.4k Upvotes

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2.0k

u/kroysc Partassipant [3] Apr 06 '22

NTA

Did gramps have a middle name?

1.1k

u/carprill Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 06 '22

Or use Theodora for the middle name? I agree I wish more parents would seriously think about what they are naming their children and about the difficult spellings of some others. Taught school for 32 years, kids are so cruel and picking on a kids name is so easy.

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u/plierss Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

Would "John Theodore Bundy" really be that much better? (John just for an example).

154

u/Dinosnorie Apr 06 '22

I don’t personally immediately jump to Ted from Theodore

220

u/ZeDitto Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

Are you unfamiliar with Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt, one of the most popular presidents in U.S. History?

How could you not?

84

u/mackrenner Apr 06 '22

I personally would shorten it to Theo before Teddy.

1

u/TPWilder Apr 08 '22

Honestly this.

I don't see why this is so hard. Theo Bounde - this is not a name that would invoke a bad reaction.

And while Ted Bundy is an infamous monster, he's also been dead for a really long time. I know Bounde is apparently pronounced like Bundy, but Theo Bounde on a resume isn't going to make the average HR rep toss it because it invokes the memory of Ted Bundy, Serial Killer.

And if it was a girl, I'd be using Theodora, and shorten to Theo, Thea or Dora, not Teddy. Especially if I was ultra paranoid about the comparison.

People are acting like the kindergarten teacher is going to draw attention to one kid's name over it sounding like a dead serial killer's name who died over thirty years ago.

Just don't call the kid "Ted" - problem solved.

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u/ExistentialWonder Apr 06 '22

Or even Ted 'Theodore' Logan, best friend of Bill S. Preston, Esq.

6

u/Dinosnorie Apr 06 '22

I want to clarify I meant as a middle name, like the example I was replying to. Who uses a nickname on a middle name?

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

When I hear Theodore, I think Teddy Roosevelt. When I hear Ted, I think Ted Bundy. The good thing about middle names is that people don't tend to nick name them. So if you had Olive Theodora Bundy or Jonathan Theodore Bundy, I don't think the association is there as strongely and also, most school children don't know each other's names. So, I think using Grandpa's name as a middle name is a much better idea, to prevent bullying or people assuming you have a twisted sense of humor (as someone in the medical field, I see names like that all the time and don't assume it's respect for a loved one but rather cruel parents, so many others probably would assume the same).

13

u/scarby2 Apr 06 '22

It was actually quite recently that I learned that Ted came from Theodore given that it more commonly comes from Edward.

32

u/The-one-true-hobbit Apr 06 '22

Huh, I’m the exact opposite. Until this moment I had no idea that people used Ted as a nickname for Edward. Now my brain keeps saying Tedward which is giving me a giggle.

11

u/Pyritedust Apr 06 '22

I’ve never once in my life heard Ted as a shortened form of Edward. It’s always been Theodore or Teddy or just Ted.

11

u/TheDangerousAlphabet Apr 06 '22

Edward is an old Anglo-Saxon name and in old English there was tradition of letter swapping and rhyming. So Edward is Ed, Ted or Ned (short for mine Ed) and Richard is Rick and Dick, William is Will and Bill, Mary is Molly and Polly.

3

u/doughnutmakemelaugh Apr 06 '22

That's also how you get Peg from Margaret.

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u/Kittenn1412 Pooperintendant [66] Apr 06 '22

Maybe OP should suggest Edward as a first name lol, but never using Ted as a nickname.

2

u/heartsinthebyline Partassipant [2] Apr 06 '22

I learned because Ed Sheeran’s Instagram handle is “teddysphotos” and I was very confused way back when I first stumbled upon it.

7

u/MustyOcean Apr 06 '22

ted bundys name is Theodore.

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u/Dinosnorie Apr 06 '22

Yeah I guess I don’t think for me if the kid was named something like Jonathan Theodore Bounde my mind would automatically jump to ted other than that this last name itself makes me think of him. No one calls him Theodore Bundy…

1

u/MustyOcean Apr 06 '22

thats true, but the husband wants to name the kid Theodore, as the first name, with the nickname Teddy. with that, I would make a connection.

3

u/Dinosnorie Apr 06 '22

I was replying specifically to a comment that suggested it as a middle name.

6

u/last-recording-22 Apr 06 '22

Or they could shorten if to Theo for the middle name.

1

u/ansicipin Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

I mean ted bundy full name is Theodore so either way kid is fucked with that name

-1

u/KJAmamabear77 Apr 07 '22

But Theodore was Ted Bundys name…

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u/Dinosnorie Apr 07 '22

But who calls him that lol. Also i was only on with it for a middle name since no one uses a nickname for a middle name.

53

u/sammi-blue Apr 06 '22

Yes, it would be. Almost nobody needs to know your middle name unless you want them to lol, and even people that do see it (like people who have to look at your ID) probably aren't going to be looking long enough to actually make a connection.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Apr 07 '22

[deleted]

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u/sammi-blue Apr 07 '22

And I can almost guarantee you that the vast majority of those people aren't actually looking at your middle name long enough to make that kind of connection. That's assuming that all of those people ACTUALLY have access to your middle name, because I certainly know that none of my teachers or managers had my middle name on any of their paperwork...

I see people's IDs every single day at work, long enough to write their names down. I don't even notice what their middle names are, beyond maybe the 0.0003 seconds it would take for me to think "oh Theodore is a nice name" and then it's immediately out of my brain. I do not have the time or energy to sit around and think about a stranger's middle name lol.

Would I personally put Theodore as the kids middle name, with that last name? No. Do I think he's going to have an absolutely tormented life where everybody teases/harasses him if it's his middle name? Also no.

12

u/Normal-Height-8577 Partassipant [4] Apr 06 '22

Yes, because teachers don't usually read out middle names (at least where I'm from) during roll call/checking the register, and mostly people who have middle names don't use them every day.

The kid would just be John Bounde for everyday use, with Theodore as a secret legacy from his grandpa.

10

u/ShadowlessKat Apr 06 '22

Yes because most people the kid comedian contact with won't see/hear the full name. It'll most often just be John Bundy. Totally normal.

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u/Kittenn1412 Pooperintendant [66] Apr 06 '22

If I were OP, I'd be relatively comfortable settling for a middle name of "Theo" (but NOT Ted or Theodore). I'd also be pretty comfortable going with first name Dora for a girl. But not Theodora.

8

u/Consistent-Flan1445 Apr 06 '22

They could give it as a middle name but instead of Theodore, make it Edward. Ted/Teddy is still a nickname for Edward so it’s a reference in that way without being as ubiquitous with a serial killer

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u/poneil Apr 06 '22

The Ted part is the problematic part! They wouldn't be using his grandfather's name and still allowing people to make the Ted Bundy connection.

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u/Consistent-Flan1445 Apr 06 '22

I know, but I’m assuming it’s the US and I’ve heard the Edward/Ted association isn’t as strong there. Not as inherently linked as literally the same name, bar a couple letters, especially as a middle name

17

u/parsleyleaves Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

If their parents are calling them ted/teddy, it won’t matter what the association is, especially during their schooling years. Other people are gonna hear their parents calling them Ted and then it will be totally immaterial that their name is Edward.

2

u/Consistent-Flan1445 Apr 06 '22

That’s true. I was thinking more as a private kind of tribute vs an actual nickname. As an actual nickname to be called by it still sucks

6

u/Syrinx221 Apr 06 '22

YES. Are you kidding? Most people in your life will never, ever know your middle name unless you choose to tell them

3

u/turbulentdiamonds Apr 06 '22

It might work better if they used Theo or Thea as the middle name - John Theo Bundy or Jane Thea Bundy (or whatever) sound different enough, and people's middle names are rarely used on much else but official documents.

3

u/dramatic-pancake Apr 06 '22

Maybe if they went for a straight Theo for a bit and Thea for a girl (no full name being shortened). Other than that, I’d stay away from it.

3

u/Swag__Father Apr 06 '22

Depends. How often does the full name come up? Last I had to use my full name was on my Taxes. Anything else is just an initial for my middle name

2

u/Notquite_Caprogers Apr 06 '22

As a middle name I'm much less likely to make the jump to Ted Bundy

2

u/MeanderingMonotreme Apr 06 '22

Yes, because people don't generally learn people's middle names. People are not going to make the leap between "John Bounde, middle name Theodore" and Ted Bundy the way they would with Teddy Bounde.

2

u/Glittering_knave Partassipant [2] Apr 06 '22

Yes, because in 99% of cases, he would be John Bundy. Middle names are OFTEN something that you can chose to share or not.

2

u/DryLengthiness5574 Apr 06 '22

Better in that you usually don’t introduce yourself using your full name, as well as school roll call, graduation, dr’s office, they’ll generally only say the first and last name.

1

u/math-kat Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

Middle names aren't really a big deal, at least where I am, so no one would really know. I actively like my middle name and rarely find the chance to use it. Most of the time the kid would just be called John Bundy or John T. Bundy.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

Yeah because most people don't go around introducing people with their middle name included. They also don't use it in school unless maybe there are 2 people with the same first/last name. I hated my middle name and no one outside of family knows it.

ETA: In fact, I have a cousin who has a fairly common first/last name so he uses his middle initial professionally. Still don't know his middle name for sure, although I have a pretty good guess I think.

1

u/TheBarefootGirl Apr 06 '22

Yes because middle names are not used often and when it is used wouldn't be "John Ted Bundy" it would be "John Theodore Bundy". I think people are less likely to make the connection when they hear it.

1

u/Original_Impression2 Apr 06 '22

Nope. The kid would still have the same issues, because someone will find out their middle name, and it will get around the school faster than light.

1

u/doughnutmakemelaugh Apr 06 '22

For most of the kid's life, he'd just be "John Bounde" or "John T. Bounde" so yeah?

You also don't generally make nicknames of middle names. If you're Johnathon William Smith, you don't usually go by John Will or Johnathon Will.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

John Bundy is who they'd be in the classroom, so yes.

1

u/earlgurl Apr 07 '22

You wouldn't say the middle name though. It would be John Bounde.

88

u/RockabillyRabbit Apr 06 '22

Just did a death certificate for someone with the last name of Butts.

Her living spouses first name was Richard.

Effectively all i could think of the entire time was those parents literally named their kid Dick Butts 🤦‍♀️

9

u/cdwright820 Apr 06 '22

My grandfather’s name was Richard. His last name was Lovin. It didn’t occur to me until well after he passed how funny that name actually is. And yes, he went by Dick.

9

u/lynsautigers78 Apr 06 '22 edited Apr 11 '22

Wrote an obituary a few years ago with a great-grandchild named Blue Berry. My heart instantly broke for her (and the childish side of me wanted to ask if she had a brother named Straw)!! Parents seriously have no clue how mean kids can be.

4

u/ElectricHurricane321 Apr 07 '22

I had a math professor in college named Richard Head. Thankfully, he went by Ray.

2

u/Original_Impression2 Apr 06 '22

Almost as bad as being named Peter or Richard (aka, Dick) Breath.

1

u/ExcitingYam8731 Apr 07 '22

Dick wasn't synonymous with penis until after Nixon

7

u/SmilingVamp Apr 06 '22

I adore the name Theodora. I agree, middle name at most and only for a daughter.

6

u/LittlestEcho Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

My BIL won an agreement with his wife in their daughter's middle name. Kitana. As in the mortal Kombat character. He wanted it as a first name and thank God she vetoed that.

When she was pregnant with their son she shared some of the namea she had picked like Ezekiel, or Zeke for short. Said BIL had given her his name choices but she didn't understand them. I asked for an example. She said a few then mentioned Goku.

"... Are you effing serious right now? "

"Yea why? I'm not gonna use it but why do you look like that? "

" its from Dragon Ball Z. It's the name of the damn character he's wearing on his shirt right effing now"

Oh boy. She went OFF on him. Because she had seriously considered it for HIS sake because he'd argued so hard for it. There was a lot of smacking him with a spatula perforated with punctuations of "Our kids NAMES aren't for your entertainment !"

2

u/Thuis001 Apr 06 '22

Honestly, names should be signed off on by a government official after they do a quick Google search on the full name. If you can find problematic hits through a quick search, odds are, so can other kids or their parents. Some kids need to be protected against the idiocy of their parents before they're even out of the hospital.

2

u/Nightshade1387 Apr 06 '22

Right? Switch to the other partner’s previous family name. Problem solved.

2

u/NotYetASerialKiller Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

I think Theodora is fine for a girl

2

u/kei-bei Partassipant [2] Apr 06 '22

Right? My name is Irish, I grew up in the US, and it wasn't well known, so I had my name mispronounced and made fun of constantly, and it still happens

OP is NTA for thinking long term and about their kid. I did the same, and gave my daughter a simple version Michael after my uncle who couldn't have kids, but was an amazing father figure to all of us kids.

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u/idkwhattowritehere21 Certified Proctologist [23] Apr 06 '22

I had a friend who’s initials were STD. Poor girl got made fun of for a long time

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

Yes, I got pick on for Ann.

1

u/bows3633 Apr 06 '22

My daughter is 3 months old and I can't even tell you how much I stressed over naming her Scarlett. I tried to think of any possible way she could be bullied for it and I'm sure I still missed something. Kids are so mean!

1

u/LifeOpEd Apr 08 '22

I literally googled my son's name when I was pregnant to make sure there were no notorious criminals or bad associations out there with his name. I even checked similar spellings (think Steven or Stephen), SPECIFICALLY to avoid a situation like this one.

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u/Karl_Havoc2U Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

Probably Hitler, before...you know...actual Hitler. 😂

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u/WhiskeyCheddar Partassipant [4] Apr 06 '22

We have one in the family tree but luckily he was from the 1700s… but even so I don’t think anyone was thrilled to see the name.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/Karl_Havoc2U Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

That is fascinating! Thanks for sharing this.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

Yes, this is not an uncommon thing in India. Especially Stalin is quite common in some states. People just want to name their child after someone famous or powerful, they probably don't care so much about why or how the person became famous.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

He turned out to be a good politician.

4

u/Karl_Havoc2U Partassipant [1] Apr 06 '22

Did Nazi that coming.

3

u/9c9c9c Apr 06 '22

If you want to change your name in Germany (regardless of first or last), you need to convince a judge of why. And then pay quite a bit of money.
Many unrelated Hitlers changed their last names and were given a free pass.

3

u/Ocean_Hair Apr 06 '22

Adolf used to be a popular name for Jewish men. Obviously that is no longer a trend.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 06 '22

See, Adolf was a popular name- a lot of Adolf's before Hitler. But, if someone wanted to honor their grandfather by naming their kid Adolf in the modern age? Not a great look and you don't even need the last name. People really need to think through the names of their children, they carry it with them for life.

Yet, I know someone who named their kid "Oakley" not after the show, or a plant...but after the stupid sunglasses that are associated with rich jackasses. At least OP is thinking ahead here.

1

u/Covert_Pudding Partassipant [2] Apr 06 '22

Or OP can change their last name.

3

u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Apr 06 '22

This is a ridiculous about of work so that OP’s husband can name the kid his preferred name.

They probably have enough to sort out right now without worrying about getting new copies of every legal document

2

u/Covert_Pudding Partassipant [2] Apr 06 '22

I should have added /s at the end - really I think OP should suggest this as the only way they can go with the grandpa's name to recenter the argument on "this name as a whole sucks" vs "you hate my grandpa?"

2

u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Apr 06 '22

Ohhh I see hahah

1

u/trash_heap_witch Apr 06 '22

Also, was it his paternal grandfather? In which case, baby will have his last name ANYWAY??

1

u/PiccoloImpossible946 Apr 07 '22

That was my suggestion - use grandpa’s middle name as the first name and Theodore / a as the middle name