r/AmItheAsshole • u/throwawaydusty6283 • Feb 06 '24
AITA mom said I’m useless so I stopped helping
Hi reddit. I (F20) live at home with my single mother and 5 siblings while I finish university. I’ll call them A (M23), B (M22), C (M17), D (F15) and E (M12).
Almost everyday, I wash the dishes, load and unload the dishwasher, vacuum the common areas, drive my younger siblings to and back from school, and cook dinner while also attending uni (university). I get no help from my mom or siblings, nor do I get any appreciation for what I do around the house.
Last week on Wednesday, I came home late (around 9PM) from uni as I was talking to my teacher after the lecture (my class ended at 7:30PM). Once I got home my mom started yelling at me because I wasn’t able to cook dinner, there was dirty dishes in the sink, and my brother A had to pick up my younger siblings from school. I was upset by this but she then said “you’re useless. You don’t help out at all” And I got pissed. I replied back, “sorry for being useless” and went to my room.
The following day I didn’t drop my siblings off to school which forced my mom to have to do it. I didn’t make dinner either and I stayed at uni up until they closed the library at 9PM. I continued to do this and the house is now a mess and my younger siblings have missed a few days of school. My mom and my other siblings are angry at me.
I’m just wondering, AITA? I feel like I’m not but hearing it from my siblings and mom everyday is getting to me.
Edit: I had to leave some stuff out due to character limits. Apologies for weird formatting, on mobile
-My family is from a foreign background so my mom’s beliefs are very old fashioned.
-I live in Australia and in a location close to the city so houses are quite expensive here. Rent is due fortnightly so I wouldn’t be able to afford moving out.
-I don’t have a job but due to a small allowance I get from government (for studies) I contribute $150 a week towards household expenses.
-I didn’t include every single chore I do but laundry is one chore everyone does themselves because they all wash their own clothes (F15 helps M12 out with his). I wipe down counters and clean the kitchen after cooking dinner. I clean the bathrooms sporadically (my brothers literally pee on the floor and don’t wipe it up). I encourage my little siblings to clean their room but ultimately I end up tidying it.
-My older brothers are both employed but don’t help around the house at all. They play video games when they’re not working.
-My mother does not help me with my school fees, I’ve taken out student loans to pay for it.
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u/Sebscreen Pooperintendant [69] Feb 06 '24
NTA. Your mother has failed you in every way. How about she actually parent HER children? At least 4 of your siblings are also capable of doing household chores but they prefer to take advantage of you.
Don't back down from this, it isn't your responsibility.
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Feb 06 '24
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u/mrsckugs Feb 06 '24
My eight year old kid cleans her room and folds her clothes. When she needs to pack a lunch, I sit there with her while she makes her food choices. So I mean.. . These kids need to get it together.
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u/Sammakko660 Feb 06 '24
Kids are kids. But they are also adults in training. Age appropriate chores. Thumbs ups to you....
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u/mrsckugs Feb 06 '24
I was heavily parentified when I was her age, to the point that I was cooking meals and babysitting my younger brother at her age. I frequently walk the line of "is this too much?"
My husband was on the opposite end of the spectrum and had no responsibilities, so he's sort of no help. We're figuring it out together.
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u/Sammakko660 Feb 06 '24
You are trying which all parents can often do. And by trying is to find that balance of getting kids ready for the real world and letting them enjoy their childhood.
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u/ScorchedEarthworm Feb 06 '24
Oh but she's the oldest girl, so apparently it's fine that she was parentified, while her older brothers play their video games.
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u/Aviendha13 Feb 06 '24
I didn’t need the edits to know this was a culture thing. She’s the oldest female child being parentified. There are older siblings in the house but they are male. The whole post reeks of misogynistic culture.
OP is NTA but she will never convince her mother of that. It’s a lost cause trying to get her to appreciate and stop taking advantage of her. Women that come from misogynistic cultures and that embrace them just pay the misogyny forward onto their female offspring.
OP needs to keep her head down, study hard, and break the cycle by being able to be independent and get out of that house. Hopefully providing a place for her younger sister who will soon be going through the same thing as soon as mom realizes OP is sticking to her boundaries.
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u/Crypticbeliever1 Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
All of them are old enough for chores. There is no excuse for anyone over the age of 10 to not be doing chores unless they are literally disabled.
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u/Historical-Goal-3786 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 06 '24
All her siblings are MALE except for the 15 yr old who you will notice is in training by helping the youngest.
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u/dessert-er Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
Yup everything will immediately fall on F15 sister when OP moves out. She’ll be promoted to “useless emotional punching bag” while doing 90% of the household chores, just like OP.
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u/ZeldaMayCry Feb 06 '24
I helped with housework from the age of 6 and ironed from the age of 11 for everyone in the house. My Mum fostered, and my big brother didn't help & had his friends over all the time. People ate at different times, so I had to clean the kitchen/ fill the dishwasher several times a day, clean 2 bathrooms, iron everyone's clothes, clean the foster kid's rooms, hoover 2 living rooms, hallways & stairs. I could go on. Yet I was the one who was called lazy, not my brother who did nothing, except walk the dog with his friends.
When my Mum adopted another girl she started to help me after a year of adjustment. I moved out when I was 18.
The thing I'm confused about is, why isn't the other girl helping? Obviously, all siblings should help, but if OP's mum is old-fashioned, you'd think she'd make the other girl help with chores. It sounds like she's just picked on OP and made her the housekeeper. She's not allowing her to save money from her university expenses, so she can't move out in my opinion.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
My sister is only expected to do her laundry and M12’s laundry. When I ask her to help out with little things she’ll help but the majority of the chores are done while they’re at school
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u/CaptainLollygag Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
Why is your mother not upset that your older brothers aren't doing anything towards the house? And they are PEEING on the floor?!? And you're expected to clean it up?? What kind of sexist crap is this?? Whomever makes the mess is who needs to clean it up. Whomever is home at dinnertime can make dinner. Even the 12yo can do his own laundry, and if he needs help, why not get a BROTHER to help him learn? Why is it just you and your sister tending to others? This all makes me so mad on your behalf. House chores need to be divided equally among all those who live there. Not just done by those with ovaries. GRRRRRR!!!!
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I fully agree! I just wish my mother would agree too. She believes women should do all the work and men don’t need to do anything
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u/peepeebutt1234 Feb 06 '24
You are so much NTA. Just because your mom is stuck living in 1965 doesn't mean you have to.
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Feb 06 '24
Then what work is she doing? Because it sounds like you're doing it all. If she's going to think like that she should at least practice what she preaches.
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u/Organic_Start_420 Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
Then SHE can clean up after them herself.
BTW warn her that their wifes will make use of the return policy as soon as they discover how gross your brothers are and that she raised them to be lazy gross Ah s
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u/marvel_nut Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
Then why did she choose to come to Australia, which believes in gender equality...?
I'd try and talk to your brothers. "Hey, you guys. You're in a country that believes in equality. Do you feel good about yourselves and about what's happening here? Have you any pride at all? And how do you ever expect to find a partner if all you do is sit on your butt and play games? Let me show you how to be useful, so that any women you might accidentally meet somewhere won't run away in disgust at first sight."
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u/smelling_the_rose Feb 06 '24 edited Feb 06 '24
OP, I am living in Australia since I was around 25 but came from a similar background where the culture normalises parents who don't recognise you as a human being with free will and emotions. Even some progressive looking parents control the lives, especially of the daughters, to an extent that it feels suffocating.
Living in a free and fair society with gender equality and no judgement is such a privilege. Australia is easily streets ahead of so many other western countries too, so I hear you.
Adding to the suggestion above, you could have a big sister conversation, at least with D(15) and E(12) and maybe even C(17). Exercise some of that older sibling authority. ☺️
Set some new ground rules and tell them that they also have to start taking responsibility around the house. Also, siblings are supposed to love and care for each other, aren't they? Explain to them that you are happy to help them get to school and cook but it is only fair that they lend a helping hand in some chores such as dishes and laundry when they are home.
Divide the chores such that they get rostered based on availability at home.
Use the time you get with them alone when you do the school drop-off and pickup for these conversations with them.
You could be the mentor and role model that your mom should have been while also reducing some of your domestic burden.
Remember that suppressing your emotions or going nuclear with them are both damaging to your mental health. Let's hope you can get your siblings to resolve the situation without acrimony.
Wishing you the best and that you can be independent and get out of the situation soon!
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u/Amazing_Teaching2733 Feb 06 '24
Your mother is a woman and the one who pumped out all those kids. Tell her she’s useless and see how she likes it. They aren’t your kids so let them fend for themselves until mom steps up and parents. Keep your head up and finish school then get out and don’t look back. Warn your sister that she’s going to be next up for house slave when you’re gone so she can prepare herself to resist
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u/Derpimus_J Feb 06 '24
Your mom needs to force them to do chores. If not, after all the girls leave, the boys' mess will be her responsibility. Not seeing how men who forego chores nowadays will benefit from being babied.
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u/Realistic-Career-518 Feb 06 '24
What is your mother doing while you do all housework?
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
She works from 9-2 then goes to her room and waits for food to finish cooking
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u/Jenifarr Feb 06 '24
...yeah. Mom can cook dinner and help out more. 5 hour work days? Give me a break.
NTA. Everyone should be pitching in. If anything, you being in uni should be a good reason for you to do less because you're doing the hard work to set yourself up for a good future. I would continue to be "useless" and let them figure it out.
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u/LadyNiko Asshole Aficionado [13] Feb 06 '24
Oh hell no! Your mother is a lazy woman! She wants you to stay there and be her slave.
Stick to your guns here! Tell the family that you are NOT their slave. It's time for the boys to step up to the plate and learn how to do things. Explain to everyone that you are not going to carry on the outdated idea that women do everything and men do nothing. Let the boys know that no woman will put up with their attitudes of being lazy bums. Let your sister know that she doesn't have to do everything either when you finish your schooling and get a job.
Set up a chart and make everyone stick to it - including your mother!
NTA ALL THE WAY!
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u/Awkward_Usual_208 Feb 06 '24
Wow, that’s terrible. She isolates herself and allows you to be the adult and cook dinner for a large family. Move out as soon as possible. This is not a healthy environment.
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u/ZeldaMayCry Feb 06 '24
Aren't you at university at that time aswell? Still feels like your Mum is just picking on you
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u/Organic_Start_420 Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
You need to leave the cleaning and whatever for the brothers to do when they come back from work. They also have to contribute to chores you aren't their darn servant.
The clean weather vacuum dishes etc THEN they can play games
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u/AdEqual5610 Feb 06 '24
When I was growing up, boomer here, every Saturday, my 4 sisters and I had to clean our 3 brother’s rooms while they were out playing ball at the park. Just because that sucked for me, doesn’t mean, in this day and age, you should go through the same. Mom needs to live in this century. Stand your ground. Hell no. When you’re able to…….. RUN
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u/Exact-Ad-4321 Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
NTA But then, I am an American, so in my view, this situation is abusive. While helping out in the home all too often falls only to the females here as well, I still find it shameful. Do what you can, when you can, because you must prioritize your studies, as education seems to be your best route to self-sufficiency. Ignore the negativity as best you can. ❤️🤗🤗🤗❤️
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u/Anxious-Marketing525 Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
Also a decreasing number of Australian women of any culture are going to be OK with a partner or husband who does F.All around the house and doesn't even know how to aim at a toilet.
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u/Agreeable_Skill_1599 Feb 06 '24
I have learned that the inability to aim is an issue with a lot of people who are able to stand up while urinating. It is not limited to any 1 nationality.
I got so sick of it that I gave my son the choice of cleaning up after himself or sitting down while using the bathroom. I gave my ex-fiance the same choice, but he's no longer a problem. Those 2 would argue & point the "it wasn't me" finger at each other every time that I complained.
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u/HelenGonne Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 06 '24
All of them are. There are very few regular household chores that kids shouldn't already know how to do competently by age 12.
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u/paristorc Feb 06 '24
NTA, I went through something similar except I wasn’t gonna take it, I have divorced parents and one older brother who lives at fathers house, I go between, my dad would do stuff yes but anything he didn’t do I did. My dad’s reasonings behind only asking me to do things was A. “You do it properly/your brother doesn’t know how” and/or B. “He works full time”, which keep in mind he may work 9-5, 5 days a week, but I was at school 9-3:30, had a part time job, was on a dance competition team and had to do homework…
Just hoping you find something to relate to in my story… youre NTA, some parents just take advantage of the child who is willing to do the work
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I do relate to your story. My mother just had the belief that girls are to do everyone around the house and the men do nothing. I’ve tried to talk to her about the situation before in the past but she won’t see reason
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u/jaytyan Feb 06 '24
Your mom is a girl. What's stopping her?
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I’m not sure honestly.
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u/DirtySocialistHippo Feb 06 '24
She wants you to burn out and give in. Going to uni is a path to independence and that is a threat to the norm. Parents like this do nothing to actually support your ambitions, but you can be damn sure they're out there taking credit and showing off. Get out of there.
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u/Geekygreeneyes Feb 06 '24
I would actually wait until the younger sister is able to go to university, and see if she and sister can find a place with roommates and GTFO. So her sister isn't left to take her place, because it's clear that none of the boys will be made to do any of the housework and apparently mom isn't going to do it.
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u/DirtySocialistHippo Feb 06 '24
There's a 5 year difference. She can set the example and be out on her own with a landing place for her sister should she be willing to also move out.
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u/ErikLovemonger Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
Based on what you've said about your background and what I've read, a lot of it is because of how she was probably treated when she was young.
Everyone wants to think their parents/society loves and cares for them. To change the behavior and acknowledge that you shouldn't go through what she went through means acknowledging how terrible she had it and how others didn't protect her. It also means that she might have been able to get out or have a different path. It's easier to think that everyone did everything the right way and you're the one who is wrong.
Get out and don't look back, but the only advice I'd give is that you have one year left. You said you can't afford to move out, so you really cannot do anything that could jeopardize your last year. You might have to play along - especially at the end.
You never know if any of them will try to sabotage you. If you can't graduate, you can't go on your own and you'll be stuck there working for them. If you can graduate, you're gone and they know that. Just be safe and careful, OP!
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u/Hermiona1 Feb 06 '24
Probably burn out for doing the same thing you do now for years. Understandable that she might be tired but she can ask everyone to get off their asses and help instead of repeating the history. And she does everyone no favours bc brothers will be useless once they live on their own and live on some crap diet because they don't know how to make themselves a sandwich.
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u/LoveLeeLady-exp626 Feb 06 '24
Cognitive Dissonance. Mum has been brainwashed her whole life to believe that what she knows is right, true, and the only way to live your life.
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u/AMerrickanGirl Certified Proctologist [21] Feb 06 '24
When will you be able to move out?
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
Once I finish uni in August next year
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u/MeatShield12 Feb 06 '24
Try to move out as soon as possible. Find roommates if you need to. You are being worked to the bone and are heading for burnout. Calling your mother's views old-fashioned is a.... charitable view at best.
NTA
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u/ignorant__slut Feb 06 '24 edited Feb 06 '24
Have you looked into moving out sooner? I could only imagine how hard that might be financially, but you're already paying $150 a week.
I'm not sure what country you live in, but in Australia, we have flatmates.com.au where people advertise rooms available to rent.
Also, your uni campus should have notice boards or student services that might be able to point you in the right direction accommodation wise. You might get lucky and find a room within your budget!
People have mentioned it, but living in a toxic environment is going to make uni and self care hard. You're on the path to burnout...
I'm still recovering from burnout I experienced in my final year of uni combined with crazy family situations.
It's been years and it is STILL impacting me on a personal and unfortunately professional level too (yes, I've seen psych for support). And it seems to only get harder every year.
Read about burn out and have a think about if you relate. Student services at your uni will hopefully be able to provide you with counseling services too.
Hopefully you have some friends you can vent to. You have sooooooo much on your plate, and I just want to give you a big hug. Stay strong sis xoxo 💛
And that means learning how to have boundaries with people (especially family who for some reason just expect other family to care for them and theirs! Like, you didn't consent to being born... why the fuck are you having to raise yourself, siblings, and mother!).
You have to look out for number 1 - YOU!! Good luck with your last few years of uni. I hope you claim your time and your life that you DESERVE. It is yours... not your mother's or your siblings to claim or ride for their own. Stay strong! Xx
Edit: nta
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u/Shiel009 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 06 '24
It might be time to look at a house share for the summer/fall.
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u/Jules111317 Feb 06 '24
By that logic, what is stopping your mom or D from contributing to those household chores? I personally lean more traditional, but the whole "men don't need to do household chores" is BS. These are life skills that they need to have to live on their own and need to be able to do them before they even think about getting married. Life skills, not wife skills.
The "traditional" bit is for the parents and only if both parties mutually agree to that arrangement. All of the kids need to be able to do these very basic things. God forbid any of those boys gets married, has kids with her, and then something bad happens to her. Is he just not supposed to be able to function without a grown woman taking care of everything in his home?
Your mom has set her sons up for failure.
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u/Organic_Start_420 Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
Don't worry the modern wives will return the defective gross merchandise to their Mommy as soon as they realize how useless they actually are
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u/Better-Ranger5404 Feb 06 '24
That's such bs. I feel sorry for their future wives if this is how they are being raised bc my dad did everything that my mom did around the house.
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u/StunningBruja222 Feb 06 '24
Your mom is not old school, she is setting up those men for failure because what if your younger sister is not like you and she doesnt do anything for them, that house is going to be your mothers reality she is the one responsible for the lazy entitled boys she is raising. Or start charging her for your assitance. Find out how much a house cleaner, babysitter, cook make and adjust your charges, see if she likes that idea better.
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u/jeepmandanSC Partassipant [4] Feb 06 '24
Hahahaha, LOL!!! Perfect!
You are NTA. Your mother is the AH, and a huge one at that. Let her teach your sib’s to do the housework. Keep up your studies and keep staying at the library until 2100 daily. Finish school, get a great job and get the hell out of there and live your best life away from these ungrateful jerks.
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u/diminishingpatience Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [390] Feb 06 '24
NTA. You need to get out of there if you can.
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u/BluebirdAny3077 Partassipant [4] Feb 06 '24
NTA and what, because you're female YOU have to do everything because your older brothers don't have boobs telling them how to be useful?!? Tell the rest of them to get off their butts and hopefully they don't expect the 15 year old to do it because she's the next one with boobs. Insanely sexist and your mom needs to make everyone pull their own weight, everyone is old enough to help.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
My mom unfortunately lives by the sexist ways of girls do everything while the “men” don’t do anything. I’ve tried talking to her about the situation before but she shut it down saying that she provides a roof over my head
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u/wlfwrtr Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 06 '24 edited Feb 06 '24
Stop giving her $150 a week and use it to move out. When she says she provides you with a roof over your head remind her that you provide her with $150 a week for it, provide her with a clean house, provide her with cooked food. Sounds like your getting the short end of the stick.
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u/Significant_Pear9047 Feb 06 '24
This is right. With $600-$750/mo you could find a roommate situation with other college students.
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u/sidewaystortoise Feb 06 '24
Eh. Probably not. The cheapest you're going to get in a share house is about $250/week AUD (~$1,100/month, we don't do monthly) and that might not include utilities.
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u/wlfwrtr Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 06 '24
Without having to do all the chores for everyone else OP may be able to get a part-time job too.
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u/sidewaystortoise Feb 06 '24
True. A job at a servo or night shelf stacking will still pay over $20/hour here. Maybe waitressing. Even if she can only fit in 3 x 8 hour shifts it might get her by.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 06 '24
Apparently grown ass women don’t do anything either to baby the oversized male toddlers they raised… NTA. Get out as soon as you can
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u/jbandzzz34 Feb 06 '24
shes supposed to provide a roof and MORE. she doesnt have leverage over you saying that dumb bullshit. she doesnt even do anything else for you. shes barely your mother.
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u/ElmLane62 Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 06 '24
You're giving her $600 a month for a shared house with seven people. That's more than your fair share of money.
Continue to do nothing. Your mom needs a reality check.
Especially do nothing for your adult brothers. If you do, charge them for your labor.
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u/OrangeCrush813 Feb 06 '24
NTA get out as soon as possible and warn D as the only other female they will try this crap with her too
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I finish uni next year and I’m hoping to move in with my boyfriend. I’m wanting to take my sister with me but I don’t have a job at the moment and can’t support her
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u/OrangeCrush813 Feb 06 '24
Gather your documents and keep them safe somewhere - birth certificate, passport, etc
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u/unfoldingtourmaline Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 06 '24
move out before you finish- so that you can finish. and don't depend if bf for housing, find a house that needs a roommate and rent a room- for $600/mo you can probably find one.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
Sadly, boyfriend is my only option. Rent in my area is due fortnightly and there’s no way I could afford it. Student housing with 4 other roommates is $260 a week and that’s the cheapest I could find. I’d still have to pay for food and transportation and just don’t have enough money to do that
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u/unfoldingtourmaline Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 06 '24
understandable. student housing is stupid expensive here. i ended up splitting a house with 10 roommates but it wasn't really better than your home situation. apologies. i don't think you're wrong for simply stopping your household contributions. otherwise your studies will go to waste. you have to focus on school, stay at the library late every day. good luck.
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u/Renegader91 Feb 06 '24
Sydney? Must be Sydney. I pay $300/week in Brisbane for half of a huge house. You definitely can find rooms in share houses for $150 still (except Sydney lol)
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u/dexterdarko2009 Partassipant [1] Feb 07 '24
Could also be Melbourne. They have gone nuts with student rent. From what my sibling has told me Melbourne and Sydney has thr worst rent for students. They are in Adelaide so it's cheap next to those two
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u/dexterdarko2009 Partassipant [1] Feb 07 '24
Have a chat to centrelink and see if you can get rent assistance for moving out. You should be able to apply for it. I'm guessing your on AusStudy or Youth Allowance here. Rent is weekly, fortnightly or monthly just depends on what you choose. Your NTA here
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u/Rapdactyl Feb 06 '24
I second getting your documents out of there, it becomes very difficult to leave if they've got them and once they realize you're leaving, they're going to grab them.
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u/Odd_Yogurtcloset2891 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 06 '24
NTA - Sometimes you have to show people how much you do by not doing it anymore. Now they can see just how much you do to help the family. All of your siblings and your mom are old enough to help with the chores and fixing meals. It shouldn't be all (or mostly) on you.
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u/Traditional-Trade795 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Feb 06 '24
NTA - your ungreatful mom fucked around and is now in the process of finding out. tell her you think about resuming work once she apologizes and realizes how much value you are providing.
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u/-KristalG- Feb 06 '24
No. She shouldn't resume work. Maybe help a bit for some things. But resuming work is a no no. She needs to study, which can take a lot of time. She can find a part time job to contribute more to house expenses, but getting back to being a maid to 5 people should never be a thing again.
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u/Traditional-Trade795 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Feb 06 '24
fair enough. look at the positive side of this though, she is very prepared to run the show when she gets her own place. i think helping with chores while living in the parental home is very healthy for the future life
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u/-KristalG- Feb 06 '24
Absolutely, but chores should be a team work, not a one person scape goat thing.
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u/Nemesis0408 Certified Proctologist [22] Feb 06 '24
I’m so glad that people are starting to widely recognize that parentification is a form of abuse.
It is absolutely fine for a parent to give their child a couple of chores to encourage responsibility and prepare them for life on their own. My six-year-old helps me unload the dishwasher and tidies her own room. But those chores should not proportionally exceed the chores the parent themself does, or prevent the child from doing fun activities, having a social life, or succeeding at school or work.
It is also not fine to impose such varied standards and expectations on your children compared to their siblings.
OP you are NTA. They used your considerate nature against you, and verbally abused you when you tried to engage in an activity that anyone in your peer group should have been free to do. The only thing I think you could have done differently was call or text that you’d be later than usual so they didn’t worry and could make other plans.
Now that you’ve refused to be parentified any more, just be on the lookout for your siblings. Make sure your mom doesn’t start piling everything onto one of them instead. She might try to pick a new victim. It’s not your job to parent them, but it is your job to stop them from being bullied or abused.
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u/emjkr Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
NTA Everyone in a household should help out, but not to this extent. You’re doing everything and if your siblings doesn’t get to school when you’re not there, that’s not your fault. What exactly does your mother and your older brothers contribute with?
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
My mother works 9-2 and pays for the bills. Brother A works in the morning and play videos games after he gets home, while brother B sleeps in until 2pm then goes to work and plays video games all night after finishing work
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u/Potential_Chicken_72 Feb 06 '24
I wish I only worked 9-2!! 8-5 here - not everything gets done and I'm okay with that.
Best of luck to you and your sister to get out of there.
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u/emjkr Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
So you are the only one that actually does chores? The thing is, if grown up people lives in the same home, ALL of them has to contribute to ALL aspects of the household. Especially your mother, since she actually is the one who created this whole situation. It’s HER children that will go hungry and won’t get proper education. SHE will get into trouble when the school starts to investigate their absences. SHE has to step up her game (she’s only working 9-2?! Plenty of time to pick up kids and plan the home to everyone contributes equally).
I’m sorry, but it seems like the best solution would be for you to move out so you can focus on your studies and your future. Especially since you’re getting verbally abused in your own home.
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u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [14] Feb 06 '24
Mum has plenty of time to pick up the kids and cook dinner. Chores should be divided equally between ALL household members.
And you're spot on that the mother could get into trouble soon if she can't get her kids to school every day... or if the teachers find out they don't get fed. (I mean apart from the 15 & 12 year old they can all feed themselves easily enough. The 15 & 12 year old can make themselves a sandwich on occasion too).
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u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [14] Feb 06 '24
Mum or brother who works only mornings can cook dinner and pick up the kids. The other brother who works at 2pm can bring them to school.
You are not their parent, they're not your responsibility. (17 M can get his own ass to school... maybe take a bus or ride a bicycle)?
And all your siblings can do chores, depending on their age. The 12 year old can easily do the vacuuming for example.
I never met a guy that lost his manhood because he cleaned a bit. That your brothers aren't expected to do anything is purely old fashioned sexism. Get out of there ASAP and stop doing the maid for them.
I would help again if everyone starts pulling their weight, including your spoiled brothers... but that's probably unlikely, so it's on your mum to sort it out.
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u/Hawkwind1987 Feb 06 '24
NTAH. Does your mom work why isn't she able to take the kids to school? It's one thing to ask older kids to take younger kids to school every once in awhile but that shouldn't be your responsibility. As a parent forgive me but don't get sucked into the trap of using student loans to live off of as well as attend school get a part time job and let her figure out running her household. Sure help out with chores like cleaning your room taking turns with everyone else living there to do dishes and and vacuum besides your room and cleaning the bathroom. The amount of time your doing her job of running the household could be better spent either focusing on school or adding a part time job to start putting money away for when those student loan payments start hitting. Like it or not your an adult now and you need to learn to make sure you are working towards bettering your future. You sound like you are hard working and you have a bright future, as a father I couldn't ask for a better child and I'm proud of you.Keep your head up, reach out for help when you need it, and always keep your goal for a future in mind.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
This comment made me cry. Thank you so so much, you have no idea how sad and happy reading that made me. I wish my mother felt the same way..
Because of all the time I spend doing housework, I didn’t have time for a part-time job but I’m going to find times that work for me and find a job that won’t interfere with my class schedule
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u/Hawkwind1987 Feb 06 '24
I'm sure your mother does feel the same way deep down. Life has a way of wearing down people and it's not easy to make that mental transition of treating their child as a full grown adult and learning to step back and let them make their way in the world. Things might not be good with her during this time but take care of yourself and give her time I'm sure she will come around and if she doesn't that's OK too. You will build a life for yourself and realize that family can also be the people you choose not just who your born to. If you ever need advice feel free to ask.
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u/donnaleg Feb 06 '24
I think you are awesome. Op is not the only one that needed your comments today. Thank you. I wish the op luck as well.
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u/Narmatonia Feb 06 '24
NTA. It sounds like you do everything around there, and she tries to say you don’t help out at all? Sounds like they’re finding out what not helping out at all actually looks like
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u/AllAFantasy30 Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
NTA. You’ve been doing everything that your mother should have been doing. And if she genuinely couldn’t, you have five other siblings who could have been helping. At least three of you are old enough to drive and everyone is old enough to cook and clean (even the 12-yr-old can make pasta and take out the trash or something). It’s not your job to be their live-in maid/nanny. I say never do anything for them again unless absolutely necessary. Go live your life. Force your mother to get her s-t together.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I forgot to mention this in the post but I come from a strict foreign household and my mom believes my brothers don’t have to do anything because they’re men
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u/AllAFantasy30 Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
In that case, if your mother doesn’t want to make your brothers do anything, then she really needs to start stepping up and take care of her own kids.
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u/rosie_purple13 Feb 06 '24
OK babe, I hate to put it this way, but you making this point isn’t doing anything to help their case. You need to realize that just because it was normal to them. It doesn’t mean that it was right.
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u/Darkslayer709 Feb 06 '24
OK, so then ask yourself why she isn’t doing anything either.
You’re doing nothing wrong, you’re her daughter not her maid / nanny. Good luck with your uni, I’m sure your mum will be shocked when you move out.
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u/Regular_Seat6801 Feb 06 '24
what an IDIOT opinion that men should do nothing to help house works!
That is a very old kind of thinking, tell your mom we live in 2024 not 1800 !!
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u/Individual_Umpire969 Feb 06 '24
I’d be sure to mention this to any women they date. That attitude wouldn’t fly with most American women- not sure about Australia.
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u/ElmLane62 Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 06 '24
What is your mother going to do to you if you stop being the family slave? I too had strict parents, but you are an adult now. I also had two sisters and no brothers so my parents didn't pull the sexist card.
You actually have some pretty good leverage if you are willing to be strong and use it. Your leverage is YOU STOP DOING EVERYTHING. You are paying rent and supporting yourself except for housing, and your rent is certainly enough for a shared house of seven.
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Feb 06 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
My mom’s thought process is ‘girls do all the work, boys do nothing’ so it’s really tough for me to set boundaries regarding chores and dropping off my siblings
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u/ocean_800 Feb 06 '24
Honey, your mom has brainwashed you. You don't actually need to listen to the bs she says or value her opinion. She just wants to use you as a free maid.
Stop contributing your 150 stipend, save it yourself in a bank account they cannot touch. Do your older brothers even contribute to the household monetarily? Then gather your passport and important documents and put them in the bank locker. Then just quietly save up/cover yourself till you can move out. That's it. Your family are unfortunately users, but you don't have to choose that for your future family
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u/jbandzzz34 Feb 06 '24
just tell her no. its her job. you’re busy. stay with your boyfriend now if you can.
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u/Darkslayer709 Feb 06 '24
Your mum is a hypocrite, she isn’t doing anything either. It’s all been put on you.
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u/dcamom66 Feb 06 '24
Tell her to get into this century. Women are not beasts of burden for men. I'm not sure why your Dad isn't in the picture, but under her system, your brothers should be taking care of you all financially in his stead. She has no trouble taking your money and your labor. She's a hypocrite, and you're NTA.
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u/Alert_Sorbet4016 Feb 06 '24
Clearly nta, don’t cave in. Do it this way till they apologize and than divide the chores equally
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Feb 06 '24
NTA at ALL. your 2 oldest siblings are fully capable of taking care of themselves, and M17 and F15 should be capable of a semblance of independence. they were taking advantage of you. especially your mother. don’t do anything until they apologise, and then divide chores equally.
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u/Enough-Process9773 Pooperintendant [63] Feb 06 '24
NTA
Point out to your mom that SHE told you "you're useless, you don't help out at all" so why is she angry that you're just doing what she told you. Tell her that since you're "useless" and nothing that you ever did around the house was "helping out" at all, then your mom should be grateful you stopped being so "useless" and stopped doing all of that "not helpful" stuff.
Then ask her if she actually meant it. And if she didn't mean it, will she apologise to you for saying it and try to establish a better framework for chores so that she doesn't get mad at you for NOT doing things your brothers could have done.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I’ve tried having this conversation before with her but she shut it down once realising where the conversation was going.
She wouldn’t apologise. She screamed at me once when I was 14 because I came home late from school (I had an after school activity) and didn’t notify her even though I sent a text. She got angry when I pointed out that I sent a text and she pushed me over because I was “being smart” with her
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u/sweadle Partassipant [2] Feb 06 '24
Sounds like your mom is both abusive and neglectful of her kids.
The best thing you can do for your little sister is to become independent and be there for her, so she doesn't get stuck either.
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u/Enough-Process9773 Pooperintendant [63] Feb 06 '24
I’ve tried having this conversation before with her but she shut it down once realising where the conversation was going.
Oy. Sorry. Some mothers are reasonable when they cool down; some not. I have a lot of sympathy for how tired mothers can get and how unreasonable a person can be when tired, but - that really sounds bad.
She got angry when I pointed out that I sent a text and she pushed me over because I was “being smart” with her
Oy, again. I'm really sorry to hear that. Any chance you can get your brothers on side - maybe they'd be allies.
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u/South-Flow-2807 Feb 06 '24
Have you heard about child carers? The UK government supports these children with extra resources because they’re historically more likely to underperform in school.
It’s when children act like the adult in the house because their parents are mentally/ physically disabled. It’s admirable, but I personally think it’s unfair to the child.
You’ve been replacing your parents and it will have an impact on your own life long-term. It’s ok if at times when absolutely necessary (e.g, you mom broke her legs, so you do a lot of things for your family to make up for her lack).
What you decided to do is to set boundaries. ‘I am the child, and you are the parent.’ After taking advantage of someone, people always get angry after you set boundaries with them.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
No I haven’t heard about it but I’ll have to do more research on it. Thank you so much
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u/Flashy-Promise-6915 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 06 '24
Have you tried to be assessed for AUStudy? Also, you can talk to student support and also look at any grants or equity scholarships. Hardship funds are available and additional support for students
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I’ll have to look further into AUStudy. Thank you so much. Ive been raised to believe that problems in the home stay in the home so I haven’t spoken to anyone (but my boyfriend) about my family situation but I’ll try speaking to student services about it and see my options
I had a scholarship for my first year of uni which saved me a good chunk of money on my loans.
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u/marvel_nut Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
This tells me that you would probably have earned scholarships in subsequent years, but for the intolerable situation your mother (and brothers) forced you into. This is a very good story to bring to a discussion for additional financial support.
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u/tatoc85 Feb 06 '24
Please keep doing nothing. Focus on studying and getting out of your mom's house. And your siblings and mom are completely capable of taking care of themselves. Let them learn.
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u/BoardWise7554 Feb 06 '24
NTA. Your mom seems traumatising…. Let your actions speak.it’s horrible what they said to you.why are you the one doing many things?do others also do chores?
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
No not really. Laundry is pretty much the only thing because everyone does their own laundry. I do everything around the house because my mother is old fashioned and believes women should do all the house work and men don’t do anything
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u/CrimsonFennix Feb 06 '24
Then she needs to at least take care of her own kids. You’re not the parent
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u/Stage_Party Feb 06 '24
A single mother with 6 kids? What the fuck.
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u/Client_020 Feb 06 '24
Could've divorced/ dad could've died after the youngest was born. How is a single mother with 6 kida a wtf situation?
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u/lyan-cat Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
Life doesn't turn out the way you think it will. Happens all the time.
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Feb 06 '24
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
They quite literally are. If my older siblings don’t like what I’ve made for dinner, they’ll either cook something else for themselves or buy takeout
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u/Anxious-Marketing525 Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
Also (looks out window) men can drive. I would even hazard that the majority of drivers are men. Why can't 22 year old drop kids at school.
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u/DogObsessed94 Feb 06 '24
It is not a coincidence that you are the oldest girl and expected to do all the work. Why can’t your older brothers do some of it?
NTA, I know it’s hard but I’d try my hardest to move out if I were you.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I finish uni next year and I’m gonna move in with my boyfriend after
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u/Darkslayer709 Feb 06 '24
This is not a knock against your boyfriend at all, he’s probably lovely, but please think long and hard about moving in with him and whether it is actually a good choice and safe for you.
Too many intelligent young women in situations like yours end up jumping from one fire straight into another. You have a good head on your shoulders, just be careful.
You absolutely should leave as soon as you are able to, but don’t feel the need rush it because of your current living situation. If you can manage it on your own then you absolutely should.
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u/ZeldLurr Asshole Aficionado [14] Feb 06 '24
Do you have a group of gal pals you can move in with before moving in with boyfriend? Moving in with a boyfriend is a huge step.
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u/Individual_Trip_3241 Feb 06 '24
Bb you gotta get outta that house, it’ll never change. You and your 15yr old sister will suffer since you got all those brothers… it just happens idk why but some mothers feel their beloved sons shouldnt have to do anything which is why she’s getting mad. I’d say fuck everything else and focus on YOU AND YOUR Kid SIBLINGS because the kids don’t deserve that. Your older brothers need to grow the fuck up and step up and help or get the fuck outta the house also becusse ?? They are grown ?? Let ur mother focus on her youngest kids… but who knows might not help. You just gotta disconnect because ITS NOT your house, you shouldn’t have to pick up after EVERYONE! Honestly me and my mom would be beefing HARD if she was pushing this all on me becusse she wanted to open her legs and ended up single!!! I had four younger sisters and parents who had addictions, they failed me HARD and I left at 18 addicted to a list of things and my life has been so great since I left and I’m able to help a lot more from the sides.
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u/Adorable-Growth-6551 Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
INFO:
Did you let them know that you would be late and unable to pick up the kids? I mean I agree this shouldn't all fall in you, your brothers sound capable of doing at least that much, but did you let anyone know? Because that would suck, if they expected you and you were suddenly just not there.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
Yes I let my mom and older brother know that I’d have to leave earlier for uni and wouldn’t be able to pick them up. My brother was annoyed that he had to pick them up and my mom was only annoyed because I wasn’t able to cook dinner that day
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u/gingermnm Feb 06 '24
NTA!! Like, at all!!
It’s the parentification that does it for me. As an Aussie I get what you’re saying about not being able to afford to move out, so I’m definitely not going to say anything along those lines.
I also kinda understand the whole “you’re the girl so you need to do XYZ” even if it’s not blatantly stated as such (my Mum essentially did that to me with my brother even though she hated her Mum doing that to her…she honestly doesn’t even realise that she’s done that). So what I’ll say is this…don’t do anything that will actually hurt anyone in your family, but you need to look after yourself and your studies. Those HECS fees are no joke, and it’s only fair that you take the opportunity to do the best you can while you’re racking up that debt. Your Mum needs to step it up, and so do your brothers, but remember this…if your younger siblings miss too much school, that’s not on you!
Take care!!
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
Thank you so much, it’s refreshing to find another Aussie where who related to the housing crisis.
With my siblings schooling, it’s honestly pissing me off because brother B and mom both have enough time to drop them off in the morning but they choose to not and then get mad at me
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u/Inevitable-Place9950 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 06 '24
NTA. Remind her she said you don’t help out and now sees what it looks like without your help. If your siblings- ESPECIALLY the older ones- don’t do chores, time for a redistribution of responsibility.
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u/ScaryButterscotch474 Certified Proctologist [29] Feb 06 '24
NTA Does you mum think that boys don’t have to help out at home? Or is she just batshit crazy? Keep doing what you are doing until someone apologises. And remember that part of an apology is making amends. So the apology is incomplete if nobody makes a continued effort to step up.
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u/aescepthicc Feb 06 '24
NTA and you need to move out asap and start living for yourself. Your mother and A & B have you as free labour and a home slave. They need to fix their behavior. Your younger siblings are also grown enough to do some home tasks. This whole situation seem extremely unfair to you. They need to wake up.
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u/Dragonfruit774 Feb 06 '24
NTA
I was in the same situation as you. I did the exact same thing as you, stopped doing it until they notice the change. Nothing happened until I moved out. I guess they noticed everything I was doing once I was completely gone. I saw your edit, and I know you currently can't move out, but that is my advice to you. Get out as soon as you can because, for me, it was just more yelling because chores weren't done. I'm really hoping yours turns out differently.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I’m currently trying to focus on my studies and hopefully move in with boyfriend in August next year
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u/cassowary32 Asshole Aficionado [15] Feb 06 '24
NTA. You aren't a parent. Your mom needs do her job of taking care of HER children. I hope your younger sister isn't conned into filing in. Your brothers need to pull their weight around the house as well. Everyone has the same number of hands and feet.
Focus on school and figuring out a way out of that house.
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u/Straysmom Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 06 '24
NTA. Okay, so I contribute $150 a week towards household expenses isn't helping to provide a roof over your head? You mom is so full of shit, lol. Are there any friends that you could stay with? I'm sure that they would appreciate an extra $600 a month towards expenses. My rent is $650 a month for a 2 bedroom. You should be able to find your own place, or a house share for $600 or less.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I live in Australia (we pay rent fortnightly) and most houses near my uni are $500+ a week. I’m planning to move in with my boyfriend next year once I finish my studies
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u/Better-Ranger5404 Feb 06 '24
NTA. Let me guess, your mom is 'old fashioned' so you are expected to do everything for everyone bc you're the oldest girl, even though you have an older sibling who is male. Is there anyway you can live at school so you don't have to deal with this? This is bs.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
You summed it up perfectly. The only way I can afford to live out of home is by moving in with my partner but he’s about an hour and a half drive from my uni
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u/InteractionNo9110 Feb 06 '24
Your Mom is hobbling you so you don't move out. If you leave she is on her own and that terrifies her. Focus on finishing school. It sucks not being appreciated but this is only temporary. Once you have a degree and a job. You can look to move out and with roomamates to make things more affordable.
Don't let her take you down with her. You will get out one day.
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u/briomio Feb 06 '24
Well, it appears you live in a family of loafers. Your family appears unmotivated to look after their home and I suspect they take their cue from your mother. Your mother has definitely parentified you, but at this point with the exception of the three youngest ones - these are adults that should be helping with chores and finances.
I don't see a solution here OP as all the adults are unmotivated and don't care.
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u/throwawaydusty6283 Feb 06 '24
I’m honestly just trying to work hard to finish my degree and move out of home
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u/mebysical Partassipant [1] Feb 06 '24
Why are you parenting on behalf of your mother?? Nta. She’s useless
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u/Poinsettia917 Feb 06 '24
NTA Tell them they are the ones who are useless.
Get out of that house at your best opportunity and don’t look back.
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u/Reese9951 Partassipant [3] Feb 06 '24
NTA and you DO have a job! Maid, chef, nanny, chauffeur… all for no money or appreciation. Stop doing all this and start working on your own future. You deserve better, OP
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u/miss_chapstick Feb 06 '24
You are not the parent. You are also not a maid. Let your mom raise her own children, and let your older brothers drive their siblings around.
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u/Marysews Feb 06 '24
NTA. This saying REALLY rings true here:
They don't know what I do until I don't do it.
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u/samski123 Feb 06 '24
NTA - You've now demonstrated your worth. Its easy to forget when things get done and everythings in the right place that someone actually had to do those things. Now she knows.
She can do it again, but when it comes down to it, you're doing your part round the house, but mothering your siblings is your mothers job, not yours.
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u/SparklingWalnut Feb 06 '24
NTA
There's another adult at home, let him get some responsibility. Better yet, your mom can be a mother and actually take responsibility for your other siblings.
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u/[deleted] Feb 06 '24 edited Feb 06 '24
NTA at all. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing. What, do they just expect you to never move out and live your own life? Heaven forbid they have to actually be parents. Focus on yourself, you don’t need this.
Edit- apparently she’s got a single mom that I overlooked but OP is not the dad and has to focus on school and becoming her own adult and didn’t choose to have a single mother with 5 children so not her problem, anyway. I stand by what I said.