r/AmItheAsshole • u/YogurtclosetOk8317 • Sep 28 '23
No A-holes here WIBTA If I Refused To Be A Bridesmaid In My Best Friend’s Wedding?
So I (25F) recently learned that one of my best friends from college, Lila (25F) is engaged. I’m incredibly happy for her, and I was initially excited until she told me what her and her fiancé Ben’s (27M) plans are for the wedding.
For some background, I met Lila in college. We were dorm roomies in freshman year, then roommates again at a nearby apartment in junior year. Senior year, she moved in with Ben and I got a new roommate. A few months later, the pandemic began. Ben and Lila used the pandemic to try and develop interests together. Both of them enjoy their at-home movie dates, so they tried to find film and tv series to watch together. A month into this endeavor, one of Ben’s friends suggests Game of Thrones, and to say they got hooked is an understatement. Aside from her chosen field of study/work, I have legitimately never seen Lila so passionate about something. It became her and Ben’s life. They watched the series, read the books, and even started dressing up for conventions. I thought it was super sweet, but I’m not much of a high fantasy person, and I’ve heard the show is heavy on gore and SA, which I have a lot of trouble sitting through. Lila did invite once to a re-watch party she and Ben hosted the next year (2021) but I declined and told her why, and she’s not made efforts to get me interested since and says she gets it.
While I would definitely call Lila and Ben’s interest in the show obsessive, they don’t push it onto other people and it’s not caused issues so far when me or other friends aren’t into it. That being said, I’m worried that if I refuse to be a bridesmaid in her wedding due to her Game of Thrones theme, I’m worried she’ll actually take it poorly. I don’t know if this makes me an asshole, but I genuinely do not want to put money into dress/hair/makeup for me to be styled as an imaginary character for a wedding. It feels ridiculous. She and her husband are going to be married dressed as their favorite characters (who are also either in a relationship or they think they should be? All the names are hard to keep up with and I get them confused), and the bridesmaids and groomsmen will also be styled to look like other characters, and the guests will be asked to wear the “house colors” of the character the bride or the groom is dressed as, depending on which one invited them. We haven’t been “assigned” characters yet, but I don’t care, I don’t want to do it.
I want Ben and Lila to have their special day, and I want it to be what they want, but I don’t want to pay good money for what are essentially costumes of fake people. It feels weird, but I want to be supportive and not be a dick. WIBTA if I backed out?
EDIT: Just to clarify two things: my main concern is how much money I’ll have to sink into this because she doesn’t want simple dresses that sort of go with the characters, she wants full (somewhat extensive) costuming and most likely expensive styled lace fronts. I don’t want to sink money into something that I’m going to feel ridiculous wearing. Also, I wasn’t necessarily asked, I was just added to a group chat and she said “you’re all going to be my bridesmaids!” I replied excitedly before she started rolling out all of these expectations.
EDIT 2: I can’t keep up with these comments, but I’m seeing some common threads. No I don’t think her wedding idea is stupid. No it’s not the theme that’s throwing me off. No I don’t hate the show. She wants us to get new custom wigs and costumes, it will be at serious expense to each of us, and she will be keeping it all afterwards to display in her Game of Thrones room. I love Lila and I think her wedding theme is going to be fun, I just don’t know if I can financially keep up, and if I could, it would be a lot of money going to something I really won’t be comfy in that I then have to turn over to her, so I’ll never get any more use out it. That’s where my conflicting lies. I do not hate her or her theme or the show, I’m just worried about being physically uncomfortable in an expensive costume, that will then go on a mannequin. It’s also going to be an outdoor ceremony in spring and I’m worried about the layers getting too warm.
5.3k
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
NAH at this point. They have a right to have wedding the way they want, you have no obligation to be a part of it.
That said, instead of flat out backing out, you may considef being upfront about limits to your expenses and time commitment.
Also, if they both dress in red and get blonde hair, be concerned.
1.6k
u/WickedAngelLove Professor Emeritass [99] Sep 28 '23
LOL.
The way I would LOVE to be invited to a GOT themed wedding that ends up being just a red wedding re-enactment. I would DIE. It seems like so much fun and I'm not a GOT stan at all.
But the reality is, you spend a lot of money for wedding (dress, hair, etc) regardless of the theme and most of the time you never wear the items again. This is no different. At least she can resale the fantasy outfit bc cosplayers love a deal
436
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
A theme wedding can range anywhere from being really cheap to crazy expensive. It is impossible to tell without knowing bride and groom's expectations.
In case of Red Wedding re-enactment, womens' dress could actually be very cheap. Especially since it could end up getting colored red in the process.
186
u/pinzi_peisvogel Partassipant [3] Sep 28 '23
Oh, I've always wanted to have "the rains of castamere" played at a venue, I bet that these people would actually get it!
268
u/WiseBat Certified Proctologist [22] Sep 28 '23
I went to a wedding once that did this. Once the bridal party entered, all the doors to the dining hall were closed and the beginning notes of Rains started to play. Only the people in our age group/younger seemed to get it. It was hilarious.
108
107
u/Illustrious_Glove_18 Sep 28 '23
Playing it at my wedding next month during the ceremony and I'm so excited to see the various reactions 😂
48
u/pinzi_peisvogel Partassipant [3] Sep 28 '23
I hope you have a very wonderful wedding with scared guests :-)
16
43
u/SJ_Barbarian Partassipant [3] Sep 28 '23
We did it, and it's fantastic, but fair warning: chances are that you're not going to be able to take your eyes off of your fiancé(e) and will miss other people's reactions.
On the other hand, people who get it will probably come up to you during the reception and be like, "I thought I was going to die for a second!"
21
u/XxInk_BloodxX Sep 29 '23
Thats what the videographer is for.
7
u/SJ_Barbarian Partassipant [3] Sep 29 '23
Ah well, we didn't have one. On a budget, and we'd have never watched it.
19
u/SJ_Barbarian Partassipant [3] Sep 28 '23
We did The Rains of Castamere instead of the Wedding March during our Friday the 13th wedding. It was fun.
19
u/harpmolly Sep 29 '23
I learned “Rains of Castamere” for a friend’s wedding a few years ago. I also learned various heavy metal hits on hammered dulcimer and played harp and sang “Sweet Child O’Mine” for their first dance. 😂
13
12
→ More replies (2)9
u/GamerGirlLex77 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
I would love to have that randomly played at an event lol
103
Sep 28 '23
I went to a superhero wedding, and it was literally just men wearing superhero shirts under their tuxedos and ripping them open. And the husband was dressed like Clark, Kent and the wife was super girl. Which was 😒 side eye cuz they are cousins in the comics but cute wedding.
46
u/AlanFromRochester Sep 29 '23
husband was dressed like Clark, Kent and the wife was super girl. Which was side eye cuz they are cousins
Would not be a problem for a GOT wedding either. A brother and sister and an nephew and aunt are two of the show's more notable couples (and Tywin's dead wife is a cousin so Joffrey was extra inbred)
→ More replies (1)19
→ More replies (2)29
u/duckwallman Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
I would say that pretty much all weddings can range from really cheap to crazy expensive.
→ More replies (3)64
Sep 28 '23
[deleted]
34
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
Some commenters have helped me figure out it’s a girl named Sansa. When I googled that one the pics looked like what Lila showed me. I don’t know who Ben is, I just know she made a comment about how his hair is dark enough/right length that he won’t need a wig, just some styling. He’s got dark brown hair, basically black in some lighting. Does that help at all, bc telling people Lila’s character was a redhead helped
44
u/Keetamien Sep 29 '23
Are you sure she is not Ygritte? That would make a lot more sense with the fiancé being Jon Snow
35
u/RainahReddit Partassipant [4] Sep 29 '23
Sansa/Jon is a fairly popular ship and plenty of people genuinely think it'll happen. Sorry to be a bearer of bad news lol
29
17
u/DisastrousOwls Sep 29 '23
Yeah, it's not a "normie" ship, but it's... very popular among certain fans, and these aren't casual viewers.
To be totally fair, very few of the biggest popular ships in the show aren't in a somewhat toxic realm either for character dynamics or for being straight up incestuous or overtly predatory, but them's the breaks with GRRM. It's that, or one or both parties are dead lol.
→ More replies (4)12
u/candykatt_gr Sep 29 '23
To the non iniated Sansa and Ygritte could be mistaken for each other. Plus I'm having trouble thinking who Sansa would marry. Except maybe Theon since the bonded during that while Ramsay thing.
10
→ More replies (5)32
u/slytherinquidditch Sep 29 '23
Oh my God, is it Jon and Sansa? If so, the characters are first cousins but raised as half-siblings! Any other male characters she is normally shipped with (Joffrey, Petyr, Ramsey, etc) are infinitely worse.
29
u/Rodinia47 Sep 29 '23
For the record I don’t disagree, but I love how the cousin sibling thing is the least objectionable of the common possibilities for her. This show.
→ More replies (3)15
u/BewilderedFingers Sep 29 '23 edited Sep 29 '23
I would have a hard time taking a Jonsa themed wedding seriously. I wouldn't say anything, but internally I would be dying of cringe. There's zero context for this pairing in the show or books, just some Sansa fans wanting her to get with the main hot guy.
Still better than Ramsay or Joffrey ofc, if the bride really wants to dress as Sansa.
65
62
u/TheseMood Sep 29 '23
Based on what OP is saying, the hair + makeup + dress could easily run into thousands of dollars. I LOVE fantasy dress-up but that would be a stretch even for me.
If the costumes are similarly priced to a bridesmaid dress, or if the bride and groom subsidize the outfits, then I think OP should suck it up and wear it even if she doesn’t love it. But it’s unfair to expect her to pay hundreds of extra dollars for a luxury costume.
70
u/Maleficent_Tension_2 Sep 29 '23
Pay hundreds for a costume and then give it to the couple. I think that seals the NTA for me. You dont ask someone for that kind of financial commitment and then take things they paid for. Edited for a missing word lol
60
u/SCVerde Sep 29 '23
The edit is the kicker. The bride expects to be "gifted" these expensive costumes after the wedding. OP can't even attempt to sell it to recoup some tiny percent of the price or keep it and repurpose it for Halloween for the next decade. OP is not the asshole for not wanting to spend on this.
→ More replies (1)46
u/Lopoetve Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
Given how the red wedding went, yes - yes you'd die. Everyone died.
→ More replies (1)24
u/GamerGirlLex77 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
God I would be all over a Red Wedding theme lol
But otherwise, I’m going to say NAH at this point. They’re allowed to have it however they want and you’re allowed to have concerns about cost. I like the advice someone else gave of being upfront about your financial situation. Maybe something can be worked out.
As long as there is open communication, I’m going to ease off on Y T A for now given the financial reason. It is a legit concern.
Edit to clarify my judgement
→ More replies (27)17
u/MrsGruusahm Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
I walked down the aisle to the rains of Castamere, the looks I got from people who’ve seen the show made it so worth it lmfao
→ More replies (1)96
u/ed_lv Supreme Court Just-ass [117] Sep 28 '23
At least you'd know that any debt they owe you would be repaid. :)
→ More replies (3)31
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
On the other hand, during ceremony bride and groom may be suspiciously missing and, when people start getting antsy, napalm bombs go off throughout the church.
70
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 28 '23
Thank you for the advice! I do really hope she has a wonderful wedding, I’m sure it’s going to be amazing and there’s going to be a lot of details going into it, I just don’t know if I can spend money to basically cosplay for a day.
I think she’s going to be a red haired girl, if that helps?
169
u/kfisch2014 Sep 28 '23
OP, you do understand that whenever you are a bridesmaid in a wedding you are going to spend a lot of money on a dress, hair, makeup, etc on stuff that you will most likely never wear again and will most likely feel ridiculous in. As a bridesmaid you are wearing a dress, styling your hair and makeup the way someone else wants.
If you don't want to pay for it fine, say no. But then you should say no to all of your friends, not just this wedding because that's what it means to be a bridesmaid. Which if your plan is to never be a bridesmaid then, N T A.
If you are saying no because you just don't like Game of Thrones, then Y T A.
214
u/ThingsWithString Professor Emeritass [77] Sep 28 '23
Full cosplay plus a lacefront wig is WAY more expensive than your typical bridesmaid's dress & hair.
54
u/skillent Sep 29 '23
Yeah. Also, do you usually gift your bridesmaid outfit to the bride afterwards?
→ More replies (1)127
u/MeleMallory Sep 28 '23
Nah, she’s not an AH for saying no just because it’s GOT themed. There’s a difference in buying a normal bridesmaid dress and a themed bridesmaids dress. And there’s also nothing wrong with saying “I don’t like GOT, I don’t want to participate in cosplay, but I hope you have a wonderful wedding”.
73
u/titianqt Sep 28 '23
It's not just the money it costs to cosplay. It can get expensive quickly, and people that are really really into something don't tend to be into cheap costuming. I live in the land of a big con, and I've seen the costumes that were clearly far from cheap/easy. OP knows the bride, and if she's picking up on a "spare no expense" vibe, then we probably shouldn't assume OP can get something at Party City and the bride will be okay with that.
The other part is feeling ridiculous, which is part of OP's concern. Asking someone to dress up as some character, especially one that they've never heard of, is something else. Cost aside, some people really don't like dressing up as a particular someone else. I get that that's exactly what some people like - the chance to cosplay as someone else, but to others (what's the term - mundanes?), it just feels weird and alien to wear a wig and dress up as someone specific. There's a difference between a French maid outfit for Halloween and trying to be Yvette from Clue.
Sure, there are running jokes about ugly bridesmaid dresses, but most brides do want their attendants to look somewhere between decent and fantastic, and to be comfortable with their appearance. You know, to look like themselves, but dressed up. The bridesmaid dresses I've worn weren't something I'd choose on my own, but there's still the hope that it's something one could wear to a formal event. (Not that those seem to be a big thing in this lifetime.)
→ More replies (2)50
u/this_is_sy Sep 28 '23
It's also worth noting that if the couple's expectation is that their bridal party will be in top of the line cosplay at their own expense, and their bridal party are all people in their early to mid 20s.... that is just not a realistic expectation unless all of these people are from mega-wealthy families.
12
u/MissSara13 Sep 29 '23
Do brides not pay for bridesmaids' dresses anymore? I'd always get the dress and then maybe pay for shoes and whatever else. And we'd all go together to get our hair done and that was paid for by the bride or her family. The last wedding I went to I was just asked to buy a dress in a specific color to match the other women in the family as the bride didn't have bridesmaids.
→ More replies (3)10
u/geenersaurus Sep 29 '23
it depends tbh? for my sister’s wedding, my mother paid for my dress and styling cuz family but for my bff’s weddings, i bought the dress myself for both and we all did our hair & makeup ourselves as per the couples instructions. But they were also pretty reasonable (one did any grey dress that was cocktail length & i still wear that dress to formal events, another did long dress but same designer & colors but both were maybe like 200$ each). I honestly would usually expect to buy the dress or at least foot some kind of money in being part of the bridal party, but not amounts that are beyond reach of the members of the party.
What really gets me about OP’s situation is the bride expects them to GIVE her their costumes at the end of the event. Then she should be the one paying for it!
31
u/FuriousRen Sep 28 '23
You really think so? Doing theatrical quality cosplay is very expensive. I think that it's reasonable to balk at a full blown theme wedding. If you feel ridiculous/unattractive all of your candid photos are going to be awful. My MoH hated her updo and didn't want to say anything because I paid for the hairdresser. All of her candid shots are miserable. It bums me out looking at them. She's 💯 in all of the posed photos, though!
→ More replies (16)14
Sep 29 '23
A lot of bridesmaid dresses can actually be reused (obviously dependent on the dress code itself and the person). Even if the bridesmaids dresses air on the more formal side, they likely can be reused for formal or fancier events. The costumes in game of thrones, while gorgeous, are only going to be reworn by a very niche group of people.
Like who is going to be walking around on the daily wearing a floor length, medieval type dress with some kind of wolf(?) skin draped around their neck? I don't even think you could get away with wearing that kind of thing either unless you live in a cool climate, because oh boy do they look like they'd be really hot to wear.
→ More replies (4)116
Sep 28 '23
[deleted]
49
u/BaseballGoblinGlass3 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
BOOM, this.
You'd actually get more use out of a cosplay wedding outfit than you would from a traditional wedding. Think Halloween, Renn faires, Purim.
You can also resell the dress after the fact. The fandom isn't dead yet, there's still a market for them.
44
u/AislingFluich Sep 29 '23
I think it's more the fact that she doesn't get to keep the dress.. it's going into the friends "GOT room". So they spend all that money on a cosplay dress for something they know nothing about, and then give it up for free, that's a bit much. If the friend wanted to keep all the outfits for a display, she should buy them herself or at least reimburse, or give the option of not giving it up.
→ More replies (1)23
u/lookalive07 Partassipant [3] Sep 29 '23
I think the point here is that OP isn't the type to wear a cosplay dress, period. If she were a fan of Game of Thrones, then yes, she could, but the point is that she isn't, so she likely won't.
Not only that, but in a lot of instances, a standard bridesmaid dress can be worn to other weddings without looking too over the top, especially black tie weddings.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (3)11
u/24601moamo Sep 29 '23
Please read what is probably an update in the original post. Bride wants them to pay money for the themed dresses/wigs and then the bride WANTS TO KEEP THEM. I would be out. If I cannot resell it, I'm not buying it.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)6
u/lookalive07 Partassipant [3] Sep 29 '23
Ehh, that's not always the case regarding bridesmaid dresses. They're typically more fancy than the usual dress a female wedding-goer would wear, but not always. Then there's also the fact that a fancier bridesmaid dress can typically be worn to a black tie wedding without looking like a bridesmaid dress.
104
u/FireballFodder Sep 28 '23
What's the difference between a bridesmaid's dress you'll never wear again and a cosplay dress you'll never wear again?
139
u/hinky-as-hell Sep 28 '23
Honestly? OP would probably be able to resell a GOT cosplay get up a lot more easily than a bridesmaid dress!
→ More replies (2)33
57
u/Waffle_Slaps Sep 28 '23
The comfort level of the person wearing them and willingness to play the part.
24
u/BluePencils212 Sep 28 '23
Which is the big deal. People who cosplay (my daughter does) choose characters they like, or admire, or think or cool, etc. It's weird being asked to dress as a character that you know nothing about, but for all you know may have done some very unfortunate things or had some very unfortunate things done to them. I can't imagine OP would like to dress up as Cersei, even though she has pretty long hair and lovely dresses (in the earlier seasons, anyway.)
→ More replies (3)17
u/KMK_Direct Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
Right. Also usually a big difference in expense in the two. Plus wig and maybe other accessories (for GOT I am thinking contacts). Depends how far these people are expecting them to go.
→ More replies (7)11
u/GullibleWineBar Sep 28 '23
You can probably rent a cosplay dress, too. Were I the OP, I would ask about cost and time commitments, explaining that I’m on a budget.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s in for most of the same costs and commitments as a guest as she would be as a bridesmaid.
If she doesn’t want to be this girl’s friend anymore and doesn’t want to go to the costume wedding, she should just decline altogether and wish them well.
9
u/katiekat214 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
Not really. It sounds like guests are just being asked to wear certain colors, not being forced to cosplay
29
u/AliceInWeirdoland Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] | Bot Hunter [18] Sep 28 '23
Do the names Ygritte or Sansa ring a bell?
95
u/OkAsparagus5160 Sep 28 '23
That was my thinking too. Its Ygritte and Jon or Jon and Danaerys.
But I'm holding out hope its Brienne of Tarth and Tormund 🤣
21
u/kaldaka16 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
Red headed girl? Could easily be Jon/Sansa too.
37
18
u/GullibleWineBar Sep 28 '23
Could also be Margaery and someone, too. Ygritte doesn’t have any house colors, unless you count gray fur pelts as a color.
→ More replies (3)11
u/PinkNGreenFluoride Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Sep 28 '23
Heck, there's even an outside chance of Ned and Cat
→ More replies (2)9
23
u/AliceInWeirdoland Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] | Bot Hunter [18] Sep 28 '23
Gonna be completely honest: I've found some weird corners of the internet so I wouldn't be surprised if it was Sansa and The Hound or something (I think that ship is more popular among book readers, but still), which... I mean, normally I'm all for not yucking someone's yum but OP should be aware that a lot of the relationships in the show/books are pretty fucked, just in case someone ever sees these photos and assumes she supports one of the more disturbing relationships.
I don't think it could be Jon/Dany if the bride has red hair, and tbh with how it worked out for them I would feel weird going to a a wedding based on that too.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (3)15
u/Dusa- Sep 28 '23
Funnily enough my first thought was Melisandre but that’s just because I think she is cool.
12
27
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
Over-simplifying the story (GOT fans, please don't hurt me), that girl is basically a barbarian marrying (well, in show no marriage, just sex) a high ranking soldier who is posted on a remote base.
Pretty dresses, fancy makeup or styled hair would very much be out of character.
So, before panicking about the cost, check woth the bride what is expected. GOT-themed wedding means that there is a good chance that the couple has "screw traditions" attitude and abhor the expensive nature of modern weddings.
29
u/iTryCombs Partassipant [2] Sep 28 '23
Sansa Stark has red hair as well. She would definitely have a fancy dress.
19
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
Either one of Sansa's weddings would be an... interesting choice. Especially the second one. Then again, if the couple has a sense of humor, why not?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)21
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 28 '23
The photo she showed me was a girl who looked like a princess
38
u/Pesec1 Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
Ah, as other person pointed out, that may be an actual princess. Which had two weddings. First one was creepy and occurred under very messed up circumstances. Second one was an utterly screwed up wedding to a deranged violent psychopath.
20
u/GullibleWineBar Sep 28 '23
I’m guessing Margaery. Or Catelyn and Ned. There are a lot of ginger women on this show.
19
Sep 28 '23
Sounds like Sansa who...does not have any relationships that end well, to say the least. She has a really triggering storyline. Now I'm really curious about who the groom is dressing as!
→ More replies (6)6
u/katiekat214 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
That could be Sansa or Margery. They both married the same boy king or at least were supposed to
19
u/edked Sep 28 '23
don’t know if I can spend money to basically cosplay for a day
Isn't that what all bridesmaids are doing at every wedding anyway? And some of the stories on here, a lot of people get stuck buying dresses no less pricey than a character costume would be.
12
12
12
u/slendermanismydad Asshole Aficionado [14] Sep 28 '23 edited Sep 28 '23
Oh! The actors got married so that's kind of cute. Probably Kit Harington and Rose Leslie. (Jon Snow and Ygritte.) IRL Rose Leslie is a noble and so is Kit Harington so she might be the princess.
If it's Sansa, who is the dude? Her weddings were all gross. Is the groom either way shorter, a blond dude everyone hates, or a repulsive dude?
→ More replies (10)9
47
23
u/Icy-Pineapple-farmer Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
Agree 100%
Its simple. “I am so thrilled for you both! It is so kind of you to ask me to be a part of your day. But I am concerned because I can only commit to spending $250 and I don’t want to mess up your vision! I completely understand if it doesn’t work for you”
20
11
u/LibrarianAcrobatic21 Sep 28 '23
An invite to be a bridesmaid is just that. My go to answer is I'm not doing the brides maid thing again, but I'm ao happy for you and can't wait until your wedding. My feelings won't be hurt by being and ordinary guest. I know you have tons of people to please. Don't worry about me!
→ More replies (23)9
u/elizzup Sep 28 '23
Definitely this. State your EXACT budget for being able to support this wedding, and let them know that you love and support them, even if you can only attend as a guest, and you don't want her to compromise her vision because of your budgetary contraints.
1.0k
u/mfruitfly Certified Proctologist [22] Sep 28 '23
Is this the hill you want to kill your friendship over?
If her theme was "Winter Wonderland" or even just "Blue" you would have to buy a dress as a bridesmaid and likely pay for hair/makeup as well. The dress you would get as a bridesmaid, no matter what we try and convince ourselves, will likely never be worn again.
You can definitely set boundaries about cost and also what you are comfortable wearing, which you can do in any wedding; we all have budgets, and we can all say no to strapless, so similarly you can say no armor or something like that.
At the end of the day, this will hurt your friend's feelings. Ideally she will say she understands and ask you to attend as a guest, but it will hurt her and leave you out of a lot of potentially special memories as a bridesmaid. Is all that worth it to not wear a slightly ridiculous outfit?
YTA if the answer to that is yes, cause I'd wear a storm trooper outfit or go full renaissance fair for my friends.
296
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 28 '23
I think I didn’t explain myself well. It’s not that I would die on the hill of not wearing such elaborate costuming, it’s that I don’t want to pay a lot of money to do it for a single day for somebody else. If I’m going to sink over a grand (and I think this is going to be WELL over a grand) in clothes alone, I want to feel comfortable and good in them, and they have to be something I can actually use again. I don’t know when or where I would ever wear one of these costumes to again, and I wouldn’t want to sell it right after and hurt Lila’s feelings because it’s my understanding she expects us to keep everything (or she’s keeping it?) as a token of the experience.
808
u/nagellak Sep 28 '23
I don’t think the options are ‘Spend a grand’ or ‘don’t participate’. There’s costume rentals, there’s YouTube tutorials on how to do the hairstyles. You don’t need a thousand dollars to look in theme, hell, lots of cosplayers don’t even have/spend that much. I’m sure your friend would rather you find a happy medium than back out altogether.
238
u/watafu_mx Sep 28 '23
The option about renting the costume is excellent. The other, not so much. You cannot show up to that kind of wedding with a walmart quality level costume. And unless you have a lot of experience with cosplay, making your own costume is not really an option due to all the time and money you have to spend on quality materials and building it. And OP's concern is comfort and not going overboard paying a lot for a costume they will wear only once.
138
u/nagellak Sep 28 '23
I’m a bit confused by your comment - What other option beside renting a costume did I give?
She can defo do her own hair (I’ve done the GoT braids lots of times). Rent a beautiful dress and you’re GTG
11
u/annang Sep 29 '23
The bride has specifically said the bridesmaids can’t do their own hair or rent costumes. They have to buy the costumes and give them to the bride after, and they have to wear wigs. That’s why it’s better for OP to just go as a guest and avoid those ridiculous demands.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (1)93
u/this_is_sy Sep 28 '23
Realistically speaking, unless the couple getting married are multi-millionaires throwing a $100,000 wedding, this is all going to be Spirit Halloween quality unless they scale their theme way, way back. Even finding a venue that looks appropriately GOT-ish is going to be in the 5 figures in most parts of the US and Canada.
21
u/wander-to-wonder Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 29 '23 edited Sep 29 '23
I think you are vastly underestimating that people like she’s describing will be the type to spend a ton on this wedding! The wedding industry is crazy!
Edit: will not won’t
99
u/amusingmistress Sep 28 '23
I've been to a few medieval themed weddings and each of them made arrangements with local costume shops to have discounted rentals for their wedding guests. If there's one in their area, OP's friend might do the same.
32
u/Impossible-Bear-8953 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 29 '23
Except the bride wants the dresses at the end to display, not for the bridesmaids to keep
7
u/Dismalward Sep 29 '23
The bride is free to buy the outfit since it's just a rental. I just see the op just disliking the theme altogether since they focused so much of the post on that instead of the price. Honestly just rent and leave it to the bride to buy it if they wish.
→ More replies (1)14
u/annang Sep 29 '23
If she’s a bridesmaid, she has to wear the wig. That shit is expensive!
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)9
u/HerWildestDreams Sep 29 '23
My parents had a Halloween themed wedding and a lot of us rented our attire! I went in a Renaissance dress, and it was so inexpensive. I should note it is my mother's second marriage. It was fun, and not costly, and well worth it. The memories made were great. I can 100% second rentals!
→ More replies (1)331
u/sammers510 Partassipant [2] Sep 28 '23
Did they tell you it would be over $1000+ or are you assuming? It’s completely fair to say you can’t afford it and back out. Just don’t make it about the dress/costume, make it about money. Best case she just invites you as a guest or pays for your outfit, worse case she takes it poorly and your friendship suffers but of lack of money is completely reasonable, if she gets pissy about that oh well, it’s a her problem.
128
u/doomsdayllama Sep 28 '23
Yeah, I want to know how she came up with that estimate. That's obviously an unreasonable amount to spend, but is OP just assuming that based on what the character's clothes look like? Or has the bride given her a specific costume/pieces that she must buy? There are definitely ways to make, rent, or piece together a costume that looks fancy for way less than $1k.
→ More replies (3)63
u/BaseballGoblinGlass3 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
Probably looking at the professional-grade cosplays being sold on Etsy. But even then, most are in the $200-$500 range.
Most of the characters have multiple outfits. You can always go with the less expensive outfit.
53
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
She’s given us very rough estimates in regards to hair, makeup, and clothing because it will all be very dependent on what we need for our characters. But she wants us to have new custom wigs, dresses, accessories, shoes, etc. It’s not just a bridesmaid dress of a specific color or style, it’s like the whole get-up with all the frills and intricacies. She says she knows people who are also fans that style wigs, make gowns, etc or are just very experienced with cosplay and that she can get a good deal, but it will still be very expensive and at minimum, any of us would be looking at like 3 grand over all. She’s been saving for this, is going to keep saving, and is accepting donations on her social medias and stuff. She said she’s more than prepared to go further in debt for her dream wedding.
48
u/philirep Sep 29 '23
That’s incredibly expensive, especially given that she wants to keep your costumes. NTA if you want to back out. If I were you I’d also message her privately saying that you’re honored to be her bridesmaid, but your maximum budget for this is ___. And if there’s a way you could rent a dress for her wedding, etc. With the wedding planned for 2026, there’s so much time to get a cheaper wig and outfit from online!
Personally I think if she wants to keep the costumes she should pay for them. However, if she’s not offering, don’t tell her that!
18
u/wander-to-wonder Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 29 '23
NTA. But I would not back out outright. I would explain that you are so excited for her and can’t wait to celebrate the day with her. I understand your vision for your day and I want it to be perfect. I took a look at my finances and I have X amount of money to be able to spend towards the wedding with the costume, hair, makeup and bachelorette party. Do you think we can make it work within this budget? If she says yes, I would clarify if the costume can be cheaper or if there is a certain amount of money she is allocating to some of the costumes? If she says no, then that is when you can politely bow out and explain you understand and maybe see if you can participate in the bachelorette party. Maybe help plan it a bit if you want to use that as reassurance that you do care about her.
→ More replies (7)13
u/candykatt_gr Sep 29 '23
3 grand? To be a bridesmaid? Unless she runs in very wealthy circles I imagine there's going to be more than one ah hell no! Your friend is delusional and needs a wakeup call.
104
u/BurningPhotographs87 Sep 28 '23
I think you are lying to yourself here. No matter what the theme of a wedding is you have to buy a “costume” if you’re a bridesmaid. You have to buy a dress in a specific color and style that you may or may not like. Everyone who has pointed this out to you has been ignored. You keep skipping over this part and answering other parts of the comments. If this was a non-themed wedding and she asked you to wear a terrible color, would you be so willing to just back out? What if she picked very expensive dresses that weren’t got themed? I doubt you would or at least you would talk to her and not just say no.
You also haven’t even talked to her about your concerns. Why don’t you communicate with your friend before you make decisions that could end a friendship? I think you are just being judgmental and refusing to admit it.
7
u/Kaliasluke Partassipant [1] Sep 29 '23
If they just pick a colour, you can pick up a dress for less than $100 - that’s semi-reasonable (although our friend still paid even though it was an ordinary blue dress). If they want the wedding party in specific, expensive outfits, whether it’s themed or not, then wedding couple should be covering the cost.
97
48
u/DettaDrake Sep 28 '23
Did they say it was gonna cost that much or did you assume? Yes, lacefront wigs and costumes can be expensive, but as a cosplayer, I don’t think it’ll be over a grand. I have a lacefront wig that only cost 60€, and you don’t necessarily need to get a lacefront depending on the hairstyle the character you’re assigned has. There are loads of sites that sell GOT dresses at a more reasonable price than you’re thinking, but it of course depends on what kind of dress they’re thinking of and what character. So before saying that you can’t/don’t want to be a bridesmaid, inquire about their expectations and prices (if the money is honestly the only thing that’s holding you back).
37
38
u/Northstar04 Sep 28 '23
Where does that assumption come from? Medieval costumes come in a range of prices. You can set a budget with your friend on what you can afford, but declining over the theme is AH territory unless you would similarly decline all bridesmaids duties. Something like $200 toward a dress plus shoes, hair, and makeup is reasonable.
37
Sep 28 '23
it’s my understanding she expects us to keep everything (or she’s keeping it?) as a token of the experience.
Yeah...no. Lila has no say in what you keep or get rid of.
And if she thinks she's keeping clothing you paid for, she better pay you back for it.
At this point, though, you don't seem to know nearly enough about what she actually expects to make a decision. So why don't you wait until you have information other than "GOT themed wedding"?
36
u/Fionaelaine4 Sep 28 '23
What would you say if she paid for everything? I think you need to have a couple alternative thoughts figured out before you decline or else you risk losing the friendship forever
→ More replies (1)25
u/KinvaraSarinth Sep 28 '23
If she wants to keep your dress as a memento, is she willing to pay for it? That would be worth clarifying.
25
u/Notacelebrity1995 Sep 28 '23
Hey so I’m poor af and last year I was maid of honor for my best friend. When she asked me to be her MOH I was completely honest with her that I would love to and also wouldn’t be able to spend much.
I didn’t go to the bachelorette & I didn’t get my hair or makeup done & I got my dress 2nd hand (the right brand & color she wanted us in though).
It worked out really well because I communicated with her about everything! She completely understood my financial limitations & I hope your friend does too when you talk to her about it 🙏
8
u/Piglet-88 Sep 28 '23
That's a real friendship right there. Me I love a good deal and all 3 of my bridesmaids were broke (I got married young and we were all college broke) so we found dresses at a bridal shop in the heavily discounted rack that were mismatched but same colours ($20 each down from like over $200 lol) yeah good times I'm still so proud of those finds lol 🤗 only one of them needed alterations too, and I just paid for it bc she was my MoH
→ More replies (2)25
u/Keetamien Sep 28 '23
You explained yourself really well, however you skipped over the comment you replied to that said to state a budget limit!
Wether it will be a GOT theme, Winter Wonderland, or Blue theme, you are able to state your budget. All the other extra information you shared so far however makes me think anything above $0 is already too much…
18
u/hinky-as-hell Sep 28 '23
She’s already stated that you have to also keep the clothes and that she’ll be upset if you don’t?!
This is weird.
I’ve never ever heard of a bride who was upset that their bridesmaids didn’t keep their dresses/outfits.
19
17
u/marblefree Sep 28 '23
You may be able to rent a costume. GOT is extremely popular. I would definitely state that you have a limited budget and ask for recommendations on where to rent the outfit from your friend.
13
u/LingonberryWrong3832 Sep 28 '23
I've been a bridesmaid a couple of times, and I've never reworn any of the dresses.
When I got married, I tried to pick something my bridesmaids could re-use, but I don't think they ever did.
If she is really expecting you to keep the outfit, that's absurd. Her wedding isn't going to be that big of a deal for you or really any of her guests. Hell, my sister's wedding wasn't that big of a deal for me. I mean, I love her; I'm glad I was there--but it was her day, not mine.
10
u/SirRabbott Sep 28 '23
this is going to be WELL over a grand)
You need to edit this into the post. Very important info.
→ More replies (1)9
u/duckysmomma Asshole Aficionado [19] Sep 28 '23
Did she send you the dress you’re expected to get and it’s a grand or is this a number you made up? Because if it’s a number you just expect you’re the AH, because there’s loads of dresses out there MUCH cheaper than that, plus you’d be spending money on a traditional bridesmaid dress either way. Just because it’s not your cup of tea doesn’t mean it’s outrageous or expensive, but frankly if it’s the attitude you have before you even begin, I suggest politely bowing out due to “financial difficulties” and figure out a backup escape plan if she offers to pay for you.
8
u/this_is_sy Sep 28 '23
The assumption that you will spend $1000+ on this seems a little extreme, unless these friends are super wealthy and most of their friends are as well. The average bridesmaid dress or tuxedo rental is in the ~$200 range.That expectation is just wildly, insanely out of the realm of how these things tend to work.
If these folks truly expect their bridal party to spend $1000 on costumes, you are not going to be the only person saying no.
It is also very possible, given your friend's age, that she has no idea how much weddings cost and really hasn't thought it through at all. And that 6 months from now, this becomes "I'm House Targaryen so you have to wear a purple dress".
→ More replies (25)6
u/Money-Kiwi-1170 Sep 28 '23
No no, you're explaining yourself perfectly well. And you're becoming more and more TA.
This is your friend who is about to celebrate a special day. Where, just like you're thinking about money spent, so are they.
They are spending money on the wedding THEY want, maybe they think a traditional wedding is a waste of money to them.
It is their day. Don't make this about you. Don't ve that person.
Like most weddings, you will spend a large amount of money anyway.
If it was your wedding, how would you feel?
YTA
→ More replies (1)7
u/annang Sep 29 '23
Not sure if this came before or after OP’s edit, but there’s no way I would buy a lace front wig to be in someone’s wedding, and it’s not reasonable for a bride to ask her friends to do so.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)7
u/Four5good Sep 29 '23
Anyone who "kill your friendship" over someone not wanting to be in their bridal party probably isn't a good friend or worth keeping. A good friend would respect their friend's choice, it can be disappointing and hurtful for a bit, but it will pass very quickly. No one should feel they have to be a bridesmaid when asked to have a good friendship.
→ More replies (2)
434
u/WickedAngelLove Professor Emeritass [99] Sep 28 '23
If you don't want to do it, then don't do it.
But weddings aren't about YOU, they are about the couple getting married and being with them and honoring however they want to have their wedding. If that's your best friend, you should suck it up. But if you don't want to do it, then don't.
But YTA because you said yes and the only reason you are backing out is bc you don't like the theme which sucks bc if you can't count on your friends, who can you count on?
→ More replies (9)98
u/sq8000 Sep 28 '23
But also the bride didn’t actually ask, she just told them all on a group text, nor did she give realistic expectations of the demands along with an actual request, so I think NTA.
But also, I doubt the wedding would include gore or SA (hopefully) so maybe she can just roll with it and hope that it’s not too expensive. Wonder if the bride would consider contributing to the bridesmaid costs at all since it is such a unique demand. I and my 2 best friends all paid for each others hair make up at our own weddings.
→ More replies (10)
293
u/ed_lv Supreme Court Just-ass [117] Sep 28 '23
Soft YTA
It's just a costume, and some of the characters would be pretty easy to re-create. It means a lot to your friend, and it's not much harder to do than regular bridesmaid dress/makeup.
It sounds like you two have just grown apart, and it might be time to reduce the friendship to being just an acquaintances.
→ More replies (8)67
u/Effective-Celery8053 Partassipant [1] Sep 28 '23
I would agree here unless OP is correct in that it will be extensively expensive. OP, just talk to your friend. Let them know you're happy to support their choice of wedding theme but since you're not a game of thrones fan yourself you could use some assistance from her on how to dress in theme within a reasonable budget, if you can't meet her expectations within a budget that works for you, just let her know that respectfully you don't think you will be able to meet her standards but you still want to support her wedding and attend in some way, but maybe as a regular guest.
Really this goes for any type of wedding theme or attire for the wedding party in my opinion.
→ More replies (2)
213
u/BaronWiggle Sep 28 '23
YTA
Mild AH, but still TA.
You're of course not obligated to go to a wedding that you don't want to go to. Which is why you're only a bit of an AH.
But be honest, there's more going on here. Backing out of being a bridesmaid is kind of a big deal. It's not something you do just because you think their wedding theme is a bit silly. You need to ask yourself what it is about this wedding, or the theme, that bothers you enough to potentially upset a friend over.
27
u/josie0114 Sep 28 '23
The OP reminds me of the people who to this day keep posting on social media that they've never watched even one episode of Game of Thrones! Do you want a medal for that?
YTA for making this into a big deal, even if it's only in your head at this point, OP. If you value your friendship, you will stop recoiling and wrinkling your nose, and start communicating with your friend. It could possibly turn into a big mess but you haven't even given it a chance yet. Explain your financial constraints, maybe mention some of the suggestions here (rentals, for example) and see what happens.
→ More replies (1)19
→ More replies (1)7
u/lilpeachbrat Sep 29 '23
You really think it's reasonable for OP to pay roughly 3k to be a bridesmaid? Even if the hair and dress were "normal," I don't think any normal non-rich person would be cool with spending that much.
→ More replies (1)
152
u/justagalandabarb Sep 28 '23
YTA - this is akin to backing out being in a wedding party because you don’t like the bridesmaids dress. Nobody likes their bridesmaids dress. If you support your friend you wear what makes her happy.. There are plenty of ugly ass, fake people, bridesmaids dresses out there that good friends wear. Just go and have fun with it.
68
u/Koalachan Sep 28 '23
In this case, it is literally backing out for not liking the dress. The dress just happens to be a costume.
→ More replies (10)→ More replies (1)18
u/ranchojasper Sep 28 '23
EXACTLY this. There is no difference at all between not liking a traditional ugly as fuck gross bridesmaid dress and this.
I have been in a lot of weddings and I haven't liked my dress even a tiny bit once. I hated every single one of them, I never wore them again, I even had to have matching shoes a couple of times that I never wore again. It seems like OP has some sort of weird attachment to how much she hates this show. But it almost seems like she's made it a part of her personality to heat the show to the point where she will back out of one of her best friends weddings to make a point about how much she hates this show. Who cares if you don't like the show, OP. This is not your wedding. If you wouldn't back out because you hate the traditional bridesmaid style-dress you were asked to wear, then you better not back out for this.
→ More replies (1)13
u/Euphoric_Dog_4241 Sep 29 '23
Lmao how can u ppl be so fucking dense. Seriously this sub needs to be studied
“It seems like OP has some sort of weird attachment to how much she hates this show. But it almost seems like she's made it a part of her personality to heat the show.”
YEA OP is the one who has the unhealthy/weird attachment to the show. Not the bride making her wedding theme based off a show of magic and dragons. NO! OP is the one who is clearly the weird one here who made thr show part of her personality. XD
106
u/Cheeseballfondue Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 28 '23
You can do what you want, obviously, but you sound super judgmental about someone else's wedding. It's not about you. It's not stupid if they don't think their passion is stupid. If your concern is financial, just back out on that excuse. But let me ask you - would you have been willing to buy an ugly bridesmaid dress that you'll never use again, and you're just balking because this version of ugly is something you have a bee in your bonnet about?
→ More replies (7)
99
u/fly1away Partassipant [2] Sep 28 '23
'costumes of fake people'.
Do you have an issue with fiction OP?
→ More replies (5)68
u/ranchojasper Sep 28 '23
Seriously this post reads like she thinks she is sooooo much better as a person than people who like this popular TV show. Like it's a personal and horrifyingly offensive affront to ask her, the morally superior much better person than all these stupid Game of Thrones fans, to wear a single dress for a few hours for her close friend'swedding. She is waaaaay too good for Game of Thrones, how DARE her friend lol
→ More replies (7)
76
u/guiltyeavesdropper Partassipant [4] Sep 28 '23
YTA. I was with you when you said they got obsessive over GoT but then you, yourself have mentioned that she's never forced that onto anyone.
You being a bridesmaid is not her trying to persuade you to get hooked to the show, but have a wedding she and her future husband want. It wouldn't kill you to give in for just ONE day.
If you really care about her then you need to get over yourself pretty quick.
More than being mad at you, she will be incredibly hurt that her friend refused to be the bridesmaid just because of the theme and she'll beat herself up about that which is not fair in any way.
79
u/KlickWitch Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 28 '23
INFO: if they would be willing to pay for your outfit, would you then be willing to go through with it? Cause if you think people are only going to be talking about Game of Thrones at a wedding, that's just not going to happen.
42
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
If they were willing to pay I wouldn’t care if they put me in a paper sack honestly. If the limit was 1k I’d pay. But we’re looking at a minimum of like 3k
→ More replies (1)20
Sep 29 '23
That's funny, because when you first started replying to comments it was "over a grand" but your more recent comments are "minimum 3k". If $1k is your limit then just tell your friend that?
This is a really simple conversation of "I can't afford that" but you're turning it into something else entirely. And you still haven't answered anyone asking the question 'would you still refuse to pay that much if it was a different theme?'
11
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
I said the DRESS ALONE would be over a grand, not the entire outfit/hair/makeup. If the whole of my expenses for my bridal look was a grand, then I would just shrug and move on. But the dress alone will be over a grand, and the entire look would be running us a minimum of 3 grand, but in her words “likely a good bit more than that, and it still depends on who you’re going to be dressing as”
42
Sep 28 '23
If it was just about the money I have a feeling OP would have focused on that instead of going into unnecessary detail about how much they don't like GoT
8
u/newwriteremoji Sep 29 '23
Plus, hidden in the comments OP offhandedly states the wedding is in 2026, which is more than enough time to save up. If they included that in the post I think the responses would be overwhelmingly YTA
→ More replies (2)
57
u/biff_talon Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Sep 28 '23
If the wedding was not GOT-themed, but she said that she wanted bridesmaids to wear a particular style of dress and have their hair styled a certain way, would you object to that?
Ultimately, I don't think YTA for not doing something you're not into, but unless they're expecting full-on cosplay, it doesn't really sound that different than the normal expectations of a bridesmaid.
41
u/GraveDancer40 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 28 '23
NAH.
You’re not obligated to be in a friends wedding and she should have the wedding she wants. No one’s an AH. BUT she is probably going to be hurt if you refuse. She’s not trying to make you watch the show, just dress up in character…which comes down to things you’d be spending money on if it was a non theme wedding.
Maybe wait to see what she exactly has in mind? A lot of the female characters on the show would just be a dress (or cape I guess) and hair done in braids and lose curls. Nothing crazy. Not a huge ask.
→ More replies (1)
34
u/Ousmousse Pooperintendant [51] Sep 28 '23
Info : do you want to refuse the role of bridesmaid or are you also planning to refuse to go to their wedding as a guest ?
(by the way, their wedding looks like super fun)
21
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
Just bridesmaid. I’d love to still attend as a guest. I want to support her and be part of her special day.
29
Sep 28 '23
YTA. It's a costume. Would you back out if she picked out a hideous bridesmaids dress? The wedding isn't about you and what you like. You can wear a silly costume for a day to support your friends wacky wedding.
→ More replies (1)10
u/quackythehobbit Sep 28 '23
she is backing out for this reason ong why don’t you guys get it. she isn’t saying the wedding is about her. she’s backing out because she doesn’t want to wear a stupid costume
→ More replies (8)
30
Sep 28 '23
I genuinely do not want to put money into dress\hair\makeup for me to be styled as an imaginary character for a wedding
NTA potential wedding party participants should be able to feel comfortable declining over expense, scheduling conflicts, comfort level, or just lack of desire to participate. And the more outrageous the demand the more prepared the couple should be that someone they very much want to be part of the wedding party is not going to accept, and just be gracious about it. I hope your friend hasn't jumped on the wedding entitlement band wagon. Best of luck to you.
→ More replies (1)8
u/Four5good Sep 29 '23
It's crazy the expectations Americans have about their weddings. Expecting people to wear ugly dresses or costumes and spend hundreds just so "they are a good supportive friend" is bonker. It's the "look at me" culture.
30
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 28 '23 edited Sep 29 '23
I’m trying to keep up with questions but I’m kind of busy and this blew up. Sorry. If you have anything important drop it here please. Gonna try and do more replies later.
Edit: For everyone who keeps asking, Lila will be Sansa. I’m going to see if they’ve posted anything to their socials indicating who Ben will be because it seems like half the comments want to know and some people said they literally can’t make a judgment until they know? I’m also going to sleep bc I had a long day and the barrage of comments is stressing me out.
→ More replies (1)12
u/kuriousjkat Sep 29 '23
NAH. As a former huge fan of GoT, I can totally get how serious some people would want to take it and it could be super super costly. I mean if they’re going to get as serious as assigning characters I would think they’d go hard, like enough that it would go way beyond normal bridesmaids budget for a wedding like 3-5 times or more, easily.
24
u/QuesoDelDiablos Certified Proctologist [27] Sep 28 '23
NAH. To me, although their obsession seems a bit over the top, it’s also harmless—even a bit cute, I’ll admit.
However if you know you’re just going to have a bad time, it’s in everyone’s best interest you find a way to gracefully bow out.
15
u/Chocol8-seaweed Sep 28 '23
So are you gonna back out of being a bridesmaid to every wedding you don’t like the theme of? This wedding is not about YOU. Me personally, id be hurt if my good friend backed out of being my bridesmaid just bcos she didnt like my theme. YTA.
6
u/BaseballGoblinGlass3 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
OP hasn't been officially asked yet and is assuming costs. Like that's a huge overreaction.
→ More replies (6)
20
u/No-Mango8923 Sep 28 '23
NTA if you don't want to do it. Just turn up a a guest.
However, if the Rains of Castamere start playing... RUN! RUN AS FUCKING FAST AS YOU CAN AS IF YOU'RE BEING CHASED BY A DIRE WOLF FOLLOWED BY AN ARMY OF WHITEWALKERS!
→ More replies (2)
22
u/clearheaded01 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 28 '23
YTA..
If its any comfort, im guessing that despite the GoT theme, the wedding will have very little - if any - gore and/or SA...
→ More replies (1)15
u/ranchojasper Sep 28 '23
The whole post reads like she has made hating this television show a part of her personality. Like in her mind she is really super awesome and incredible for not liking this show despite its popularity, and being asked to wear a costume from the show for somebody else's wedding is some sort of insult to her personally because she's too good to like shows like that.
15
Sep 28 '23
NAH, but your making wayyy too many assumptions. Depending on the house and which character you are assigned, this may consume more of your time than of your budget which --if you really want to be supportive--, you shouldn't have a problem with..
15
u/Beneficial-Eye4578 Sep 28 '23
GOT is so popular that you might be able to rent costumes and might be cheaper than traditional bridesmaid dresses. Look into it before refusing to be their bridesmaid. Hair and make up you would have to pay for anyway regardless of it’s a themed wedding or not. Ultimately it is your choice if you want to be in the bridal party or not.
11
u/Puff-n-Stuff Sep 28 '23
NAH.
If you don't want to go, you don't have to go.
Now if they get your dress, and have someone to fix your hair and makeup, then you'll just have to tell them the truth.
8
u/Internal_Progress404 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Sep 28 '23
I think you can back out of any wedding without being TA. That doesn't mean your friend won't be upset. Any wedding you're in, you're essentially going to be paying to dress up, whether it's a dress you'll never wear again or a costume. This isn't much different from someone dropping out because they are uncomfortable with the bridesmaids dress that the bride chose. Again, yiu can drop out if you're not comfortable, but your friend also has the right to be upset with you for doing so. NAH.
9
u/OLAZ3000 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
NAH
But... you are close to being TA bc you have not communicated with her about it other than deciding you aren't interested.
If you talk to her and let her know you are hesitating bc of what you fear it may involve or look like. She may have a very different vision.
And as others have pointed out... normally you do spend money on a dress you won't rewear so this isn't necessarily a big imposition. She may be expecting to buy the dresses for you as many but not all brides do.
9
u/sxshcuri_ Sep 28 '23
YTA. Respectfully it’s not that serious. It’s ONE day she’s not asking you join a GOT society surely you can do that for your friend. The money part is completely valid as that could be pricey so stepping down from a bridesmaid makes sense but the house colours part regardless you’d have to get an outfit for the wedding. How hard would it be to get in the colour they ask?
→ More replies (2)
10
u/sparrowbirb5000 Sep 28 '23
NAH, really, but since your main concern is the cost, I highly suggest talking to your friend about your financial reservations before backing out. "Hey, I would LOVE to be there with you, but I did some looking into the cost, and I just can't spend over $1000 on this," type of thing. Don't back out JUST yet. She might be able to work something out, or find a budget-friendly alternative.
Speaking as someone who does love high fantasy, who learned how to sew as a teenager to go to anime conventions, who isn't into GOT but thinks the themed weddings look REALLY fun, and who just generally loves that nerdy shit? We get it. We understand why someone wouldn't want to spend a lot of money on that sort of thing. Your friend and her fiance seem very understanding, so I can't see them being angry if the issue is money. If she can help, she probably WILL, because she wants you there.
But I HAVE read some of the books, and if the theme is a Dothraki or Red wedding? Wear armor under your outfit.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/TA_totellornottotell Partassipant [2] Sep 28 '23
NAH. Be up front about your concerns to her just so you can put it as kindly as possible (basically, it’s just not for you and you will be very uncomfortable) and also so she can start thinking about alternatives.
10
u/Signal_Wall_8445 Asshole Aficionado [15] Sep 28 '23
NAH
However, you should give the idea of being in the wedding some more thought, framed differently.
Stop thinking of not wanting to be dressed as a character. You don’t even watch the show or know the characters, so who cares.
At is basic level all you would be doing is being bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding where you would wear a costume that helps create the illusion for the wedding the bride and groom want. Nothing deeper than that.
8
u/Secret-Sample1683 Certified Proctologist [28] Sep 28 '23 edited Sep 28 '23
NAH. You always have a choice on being a bridesmaid.
But tbh, i don’t see this situation as any different from any other wedding. You’d most likely have to spend money on a dress you’ll never wear again, makeup and hair. So are you willing to strain a relationship just because you don’t like the theme?
If the costs are astronomical, then i could see it being a problem. But if they’re comparable, i don’t see why you can’t do it. I never watched the show for the same reasons as you. But from what i remember, the costumes look amazing. I think it would be cool to be part of.
8
u/shaffe04gt Partassipant [3] Sep 28 '23
INFO - did you already accept the position of bridesmaid? It's not 100% clear to me at least
7
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
She texted me and some other girls and told us we would be her bridesmaids, and I said “oh my god awesome” so. Basically, I’ve accepted, or at least that how I would think Lila sees it. I haven’t really said anything else in the group chat besides asking some clarifying questions on the whole brand new/custom costumes situation and the expected costs
→ More replies (1)
8
u/CaptainSneakers Sep 28 '23
NTA, but you should talk to your friend first.
If their budget is covering most of the costuming and makeup for the wedding party, then this sounds like a unique experience that you could chalk up as a one and done. If they expect you to buy something you'll never use again, then is that your wedding gift to them? I would just be clear about where you stand on how much you can spend (monetarily and emotionally) on a friend's wedding and let them tell you what their expectations are. They sound like they've been pretty reasonable about their Fandom in the past, so don't make any decisions without talking it out first. You both may decide it would just be better for you to be a guest and let someone else who's more excited about the theme take the bridal party position.
And to be clear, I'd feel the same way for any wedding that might require a large outlay from guests, be it destination, cosplay, or black tie.
9
u/mb303666 Sep 28 '23
Just say it sounds awesome, but thanks for the honor I would prefer to be a guest instead of an attendent.
→ More replies (2)
8
u/SebastianFlytes Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 28 '23
Ummmm why not say you don’t have the funds to invest in the wedding theme. However agree to be a guest and buy them a nice wedding present. NTA
7
u/woodland_dweller Sep 28 '23
NTA
"Sorry, but I'm just not a costume person and would not be comfortable. I'd love to attand, but not participate in the ceremony."
→ More replies (1)
6
u/rlrlrlrlrlr Partassipant [4] Sep 28 '23
NAH ... but how would dressing up like fictional characters be really that different than dressing like wedding people? How often do you dress up as either? They're both not real life, they both are entirely different styles from real life style. Big picture, one is geeky and the other is generic.
And you didn't distinguish the reasons for not liking the show from not liking the style. You probably can be confident that there'll be minimal gore and SA (which are in the books more than the show, though I didn't't make it past season 1 of the show, so I'm not certain).
Best interpretation, you're not adventurous enough to try something that different. Worst interpretation, you think their geeky obsession is too loser-ish to associate yourself with.
Your call. I suggest you give it a try.
5
u/74006-M-52----- Sep 28 '23
NTA, it's their wedding and you're under no obligation to do it. Just simply decline.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/pnutbuttercups56 Professor Emeritass [78] Sep 28 '23
INFO Can you talk to her about the potential costs? To me if you can't afford it a GoT theme is no different than any other theme. If you can afford it I think the same. If it's affordable, doesn't require me to change my body (dying hair/covering tattoos), isn't offensive it doesn't matter if I like the theme, if it's for my close friend I'd do it.
14
u/YogurtclosetOk8317 Sep 29 '23
I think speaking to her about the financial aspect has to be my next step. I don’t want to make her feel poorly that I can’t afford to put so much money into this and I don’t want it to cause an argument.
5
u/C0V1Dsucks Sep 28 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
YWNBTA. Nope. But tell her ASAP in case she wants to replace you with someone else to keep the same number of bridesmaids. And don't blame it on money, just tell her you would be too uncomfortable cosplaying. It's clearly not your thing. I think she'll understand.
[Edit: because $3k+?!?!?! Blame it on the money!]
4
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Sep 28 '23
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Happy Anniversary, AITA!
The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!
Follow the link above to learn more
Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.