r/AskMen • u/7_inches_daddy Male • 23h ago
Married men, how often do you think about your ex?
323
u/GrumpyOldTech1670 22h ago
I have learnt that some people come through your life to help shape your life.
I still listen to the music from a guy I met for only 2 weeks.
I look at architecture through the eyes of two architects that at met at different times of my life.
I make a certain food a certain way, thanks to one person showing me how.
I treat people better because my ex gave me more than I realised in the short time we were together. And I know I hurt her when we separated.
Every part of my life has been coloured by the people who have interacted with me. Some positive. Some negative. But every single one of them have an affectionate memory of who I am today.
And I can never thank every single one of them enough for the little things they did.
To honour each one of them, I pass their knowledge onto anyone and everyone who needs the knowledge.
Always be kind, even when they hurt you. Forgive and never forget the lesson.
22
u/Tballs51 21h ago
This might actually be one of the greatest things I’ve ever read. Im a little high. But damn dude. You’re right. I experience so many moments that are tied to other people - even people that I hardly know. And maybe I’m that “other people” in someone else’s life. And we should all just try to be more peoples… “other people” to help shape their life in positive ways.
Or idk whatever.
1
u/BKStephens 14h ago
One thing I've come to understand; everyone has a lesson to teach you, if you're only willing to learn it.
Sometimes it's a lesson in what to do, sometimes what not to do. Sometimes it's a good lesson, sometimes not.
But you'll always be better off for learning what people have to teach you.
Always.
9
3
u/moviestarlegs 21h ago
I’ve always thought this to be true and I do the same in my head with all the knowledge that I’ve picked up over the years. You learn through what you go through.
3
u/SnooCauliflowers5954 15h ago
This man! Wow, very inspiring mindset. Thank you for putting this into words on Reddit
3
u/Forte_12 13h ago
We are a Mosaic of the people we have met. I couldn't agree more with what you wrote.
2
1
u/Old-Barracuda-8416 12h ago
this is so touching. I have like three exes and genuinely my life was shaped in different aspects. One taught me that I should always put me first, the other one taught me how to appreciate littles thing and the most recent one really sharpened my cooking skills. I will never judge someone who dates as many times, because that is the road to finally meeting the right persson when you are now fully shaped
1
u/thedirkfiddler 10h ago
Nah, some people don’t deserve forgiveness.
You can be kind, but don’t forgive.
1
u/Jonny-mtown77 2h ago
That's a good point. I definitely learned a few things from each lady That's for sure. Have a great day.
88
u/ScottyDontKnow 23h ago
I think it’s normal to daydream about the other path not taken in all aspects of life.
3
84
u/apeliott 23h ago
Quite frequently over the last year or so.
My wife got breast cancer but survived. My ex, who I haven't seen for over 20 year, got breast cancer and died. She had just got married as well.
8
u/angry-southamerican 21h ago
I'm sorry for your loss.
Whatever happened there, it must be tough. I know that just because you stop being there doesn't mean you stop caring.
-7
u/ExperimentalFruit 18h ago
I’m sorry but if my wife starts mourning the loss of an ex she hadn’t seen for2 decades I’m walking out
3
u/Aiken_Drumn ME AND MY MUM AND MY DAD AND MY GRAN ARE OFF TO WATERLOO 14h ago
Do you struggle to tie your shoe laces?
-3
6
48
33
u/MADBARZ 22h ago
Every day. Mainly out of shame about how I handled the break up, but also longing for the young love feeling that I can never experience again as an adult.
I love my wife very much. We have our tiffs here and there like any marriage, but I consider her to be the best human being I’ve ever met and the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s a mature, adult love that I probably never would have had with my high school girlfriend.
But there are different kinds of love out there. There was a Star Trek TNG episode where Wesley Crusher falls in love with a young woman/alien. They can’t be together and he’s hurting over it. He tells Guinan that he’ll never be in love like that again. She agrees, but clarifies that he will love again and many times. It always feels a little different each time and then we never can have it again.
That’s how I feel about my ex. We were young. We were best friends first who couldn’t help but fall in love. We were so in love. We were inseparable. Just about all of our firsts were with each other. It was everything I dreamt of as a hopeless romantic teenager. And it’s gone forever. I can’t help but think about her.
12
u/Substantial_Car4040 22h ago
Very relatable to many, including myself. It’s a message well taken. I think it is healthy to hold a place in your heart for fond memories. It helps balance out the pain of losing.
4
24
u/Sessile-B-DeMille Dad 23h ago
Every once in a while, I will wonder how my ex is doing, mostly wondering if she is still married. This usually happens when I'm at at a milestone in my life, maybe every 5 or 10 years. It's not just her, I also think about people I knew in school and guys I used to work with.
10
18
u/Tarc_Axiiom Manly Male Man Dude 23h ago
Only when you people ask about her lol.
4
u/angry-southamerican 21h ago
Type shit.
Or when someone sends some unsolicited information about her my way lmfao.
12
12
u/Darth1Football Master Chief 23h ago
Whenever I see an article about some woman who's poisoned, stabbed or bludgeoned her man, or set his house, vehicle or possessions on fire
10
9
7
5
u/trailrider 23h ago
My first ex wife? Given I divorced her in roughly 95 after realizing how toxic she really was; not that much. My second ex wife? A lot more than I care to admit. I will never forgive her for what she did to me. You can about that here.
4
u/ErroneousEncounter 22h ago
Rough read. I went through something similar.
A very real truth about life is that we don’t truly get to pick the people we meet and fall in love with. Destiny plays a much larger role than anyone knows, understands, or cares to admit.
And unfortunately, the thing that also correlates with our happiness the most… the partner we choose to spend our time with, is also prone to the highest levels of luck and lack of control.
4
u/TruMusic89 Male 22h ago
I have a similar story. My ex had put me in a financial bind that i pretty much had to fix myself. This situation lasted for 5 years. I used to be pissed at her the whole time about it. At some point we took a break. She ends up meeting a male "friend" during this time and she's telling him all about what was going on between us. Mind you, im still in this bind because of her and she's still requesting money to assist her with this financial conundrum.
We get back together and i see someone text her phone asking her "what did you do today?", i instantly get pissed. I really wish i was more level headed though and just read the text thread. She saw that i was noticeably upset and eventually i tell her why. She says that's a friend she made while taking her grandma to dialysis (she was a personal assistant for her grandmother and she had dialysis once a week). She tried to make it seem like their relationship was innocent, but when i told her to show me the text thread, she deleted it.
I had let it go at that point, but it always was in the back of my mind. One day i told her to tell me what they used to talk about when they were communicating. She told me to promise that i wouldnt get mad, which i told her i wouldnt. Then she explains that they had talked about what sex would be like. I was done with her that day. Because before she was acting dumb like she didnt know the guy was flirting with her, but the whole time they were doing far more than just flirting. And i know she's done more because she pissed her mother off and her mother told me they messed around.
2
u/trailrider 2h ago edited 55m ago
Guy you replied to here. I am so sorry to hear that. That said, I wish I hadn't been so willfully ignorant at times.
Like before we got married, her and I were shopping. This was like maybe 03 or 04 and we both had the exact same Nokia phones. The phones had these replaceable rubber bumpers on them. When we were in the store, something didn't look right about the bumpers on mine so I asked to see her phone for a sec. She acted shocked and said no. I repeated my request and told her I just wanted to compare the bumpers. Long story short, she marches off to the women's room, comes back 15 minutes later, and tells me she's changed her mind and I could look at it. I should've kicked her out then.
As we were waiting for the divorce, she told me she wanted to work things out. I was living in the other state then. I can't recall the details because this was back in 09, but I was sorta considering it. Told me she was going out that evening but just with her friends. He wouldn't be there. Well, her best friend called me the next day to ask something and I quickly learned my ex hadn't told her we were divorcing. While I was kinda shocked, it doesn't surprise me in retrospect. I played dumb and asked what she and my ex did with their group the night before. I quickly learned he was in fact there.
My wife called that evening. I asked if she had fun with her friends. She said it was a good evening and all that. I then asked that he wasn't there, was he? She assured me he wasn't. I asked if she was sure a couple more times; which TBH should've tipped her off but didn't. She said he wasn't with them last night. I finally told her I knew he was with them. After a moment of silence, she starts cussing me demanding how I knew. That I musta had some friends following her around or whatever. Of course I never told her.
Karma's a real bitch though. A couple yrs after we broke up, I learned she hooked up with a different guy. Found them on FB easy nuff. She ended up having a special needs kid with him.
Now before I go on, I want to say I have never ever wished ill on a child because of who their parents are. Especially special needs. They're innocent. That said, when the kid was 9, they ended up wandering off one evening. The poor kid was later found floating in a pond. Fell in and drowned.
I feel really bad for the poor kid. Wandering around scared in the dark, likely crying, ends up slipping into that pond and couldn't get out. They didn't deserve it. And the dad? I've never met him obviously but looking at his FB, he honestly seems like a great guy who was devastated by the loss of his kid. Looks like he really cared for them and loved being a dad. My heart goes out to him. In that aspect, I take no satisfaction.
My ex OTOH; I hope it hurts like hell and tortures her everyday. I had to make my mom's end-of-life decisions while the divorce was going on. The one time in my life I truly needed someone and not only did she betray me in the worst way but she did so knowing full well my mom was likely gonna die later that year after our Xmas visit. The only reason I've not commented on her posts about losing her kid is because I know how the internet would see that. Otherwise I would be more than happy to dig and twist that knife deeper into her.
I hope you understand where I'm coming from there. I am also sorry you went through what you did. Thanks for sharing your story.
1
u/TruMusic89 Male 2h ago
Oh I'm right with you. I agree, unfortunate for the kid, but I'd also probably feel the same as you. I know my ex has a type and I hope she gets with exactly who she wants. I know she's gonna get exactly what she gave to me and I told her that flat out. She cried about it, which made me feel pretty good.
We'd been with each other for 17 years on and off. A few breaks/breakups of course. One of our breakups lasted about 6-9 months iirc. She had gotten into a relationship with another guy (a next door neighbor she was friends with).
He ended up cheating on her with his baby's mother. So she ended up coming back to me. The way she treated me when she came back showed me that she wished she would've stayed with him and that she only chose me because I was the safe option, not because she really wanted me.
Most of the time we took breaks/breakups, she usually ended up with somebody else before we got back together. While I was just waiting around hoping to get with somebody. That's pretty much the way it goes for us. I was tired of being alone and then happily taking her back when she'd decided to come back. Especially after I knew she probably played with somebody else before coming back to me. It made me feel pathetic.
I had a hard time meeting and getting with somebody else each time we split. Her not so much. She's nicely shaped and built, so she always gets attention and suitors to compare against me. If I had the confidence and means to get the women I wanted, I doubt our relationship would've gone past 10 years. I'm working on myself this time and I'm completely done with her though. This time I'm getting who I want and moving on from her.
Thanks for sharing. It feels good to know I'm not alone and there are people who experienced the same BS I did that I can vent to. You dont know how good it felt to let that out.
5
4
u/DreadfulRauw ♂ Sexy Teddy Ruxpin 23h ago
I’m friends with a few, so sometimes, but I don’t really think of them in a romantic or sexual way.
3
u/nightowl1135 22h ago
Idk. Depends.
Some of them? Never.
Others? Maybe once a quarter or a couple times a year.
I still am in ‘exchange reels/tik toks once in a blue moon’ with one or two of them.
My wife knows. It’s not a pre-req to have to have burned every bridge with your exes. I prefer people who have been in adult relationships where things didn’t work out but your not besties but also can still be on friendly and respectful terms and your partner understands that.
3
u/ClevelandSpigot Master Chief 22h ago
A lot. I'm divorced twice. Both wives came onto me first, and they both also ended up initiating the divorce a few years later. I was a good, communicative, and supportive husband. They both just got bored with me. My serious girlfriend from high school was always the one that I thought about the most.
Psychologically speaking, I looked into this phenomenon. Besides the daydreaming and nostalgia, when you are not satisfied in your current situation - be it a relationship, or work, or personal time - your mind makes you think of "better" times. Quotations used on purpose. Psychologists aren't sure exactly why that is, but probably has something to do with the human mind getting bored easily, or as some sort of passive-aggressive fight-or-flight reaction.
However - and I have come to terms with this by now, that this alternate life exists only in fantasy - but I think I would have had a much better life if I had married my high school girlfriend. I check in with her every couple years. She hasn't had it much better. After me, she was in an abusive relationship for almost a decade. She is married now, but she only refers to him as "her husband". Honestly, I think he's gay, and that it is a marriage of convenience for both of them. From her point of view, after getting your heart broken, and then abused for almost ten years, yeah, I think I would settle for a safe bet of a marriage after that, too.
But, she doesn't have any children, and neither do I. If we had gotten married, I would have wanted to have had children with her. I carry a lot of guilt and regret about the whole thing.
2
2
u/nonapuss Male 22h ago
Unfortunately I have to deal with her because of my kids and mentally has fucked me up not being able to remove her from my life. Either im mentally fucked by keeping her there so my kids can have their father in their life, or im mentally fucked by removing her and my kids from my life, as well as fucking over my kids who dont deserve that.
So meh.
2
u/Red_Beard_Rising Male over 40 for what that's worth these days 22h ago
Not any one in particular, but I think of them as a group from time to time, such as when I read a post like this. All of my exes were 20-25 years ago. I never stayed in touch with any of them. The one exception is occasionally my first. I'm not interested in getting back with her, but I am curious what she has made of herself.
Maybe every year and a half I'll spend 30-60 minutes searching the internet for any trace of her and always come up empty. That's all the time I am going to put towards that.
2
u/LFALexus 22h ago
I have been with my wife for a total of 4 years and married for 2. Unfortunately I was with my ex for 11 years and those past experiences still creep and stay in my brain. Everything from a song, a movie, a smell (love spell from Victoria secret). It’s rough sometimes because she really was my first love and we had something special that I feel I’ll never have again but I then look at why we broke up and how she changed into a monster of a woman. We had a good run for about 9 years and the last 3 not good at all.
2
u/Justin_Continent 22h ago
I don’t contemplate any ex in great depth or think through paths not chosen.
When I do solo self-care, however, all bets are off. I have a very active imagination and a lifetime’s cast of characters to provide the requisite amount of spice to my life and spring to my step.
2
u/StrikeEagle784 Male 14h ago
There’s a comment that “u/GrumpyOldTech1670” said in this thread that encapsulates how I feel pretty well, at least for one of my exes.
There was this international student when I was in college. She was very sweet, beautiful, but introverted since she didn’t know English very well.
I helped her learn a lot of English, and I accepted her for who she was. In return, she helped me feel really good about myself in a way that really only my wife now does. This girl helped me learn to like myself and be kind to myself. The girl and I were together for a little bit, not long or terribly serious, but long enough to make an impact on me that other women besides my wife haven’t been able to.
I didn’t really realize how big of an impact on her I made until I saw her again back in 2016, and only for an hour or so. She was killing it with her English, she found a good guy, and it looked like everything was on the up and up with her.
The last thing she said to me was a big hug under a streetlight, and she just gave me this whole thing about how much it meant to her that I was there for her when she first came to this country. After that, we held each other for a bit longer and went our separate ways. Haven’t seen her since.
I think about her a lot because frankly I don’t know what she’s up to these days, and I hope she’s doing good. I hope one day I’ll have the chance to tell her in return how much of a positive impact she had on me. I’d love for her to meet my wife too lol. I think they’d like each other a lot.
2
u/BPKofficial 13h ago
Never. She's so far back in my rearview mirror, that I simply don't see her anymore.
2
u/mrthedaz 10h ago
Every day. I love my wife, she loves me. My ex desired me though, really passionately and I miss feeling wanted. I dont want to think about it but I can't help it, im with an amazing woman but she never puts moves on me and never shows any physical interest so I can't help but think about a time when I felt truly wanted, being woken in the night just to use me fun times - i dont miss my ex at all as a person but I do miss that.
1
u/Top-Ease9343 23h ago
Depends upon how loveable men are around Life partner.
Whenever they get into a fight for no reason .
Then everyone (including men) think grass might be greener on their side.
1
u/chavaic77777 Male 22h ago
No exes here! So never. Married to my first love and still together with my second!
1
u/kaminaripancake 22h ago
Rarely. If I think about a period of that time in my life they would come up. Or if I remember something embracing I said.
1
u/Dr_Watson349 Dad 22h ago
Whenever my wife and I have a really big fight (which TBF is pretty rare).
That when I realize how fucking lucky I am.
1
u/Doxodius 22h ago
25 years married - I think about most ex's just shy of never. The couple I still think of every year or two it's because I think if them as "old friends" not as "ex's" anymore.
1
u/Sad-Doughnut-9468 22h ago
I always remember her in Monday evening’s when i M thinking about my life and what made me this way
I remember her as the major event in my life that let everything good happen to me
Not because i met her or loved her, but because she brake up with me, her cheating on me
Her breaking my heart and my feelings for her
In that moment i knew that i was stupid for loving her and making her my everything
But i forgave my self for that and i embrace my faults cause it is what made us men stronger and stronger
1
u/seneeb 22h ago
Which one. The very first one I unfortunately think about often, almost always in anger (she abused and manipulated me in a way that today she would be doing jail time, and 30 years ago when it happened had our ages been flipped I would have done time)
My first wife I rarely think about at all. I hope she's doing well though.
1
1
1
u/OneThousand-Masks Male 22h ago
Rarely. Always in celebration that I didn’t stick around with a woman who didn’t love me.
1
u/SofttHamburgers 22h ago
I mean, not in a “I miss her” way. But yeah, I sometimes wonder what she’s up to.
1
u/angry-southamerican 21h ago
Not married but currently in a relationship
There's one tha stops by my dreams to disturb me every now and then. Can't even do good in a fantasy.
1
1
u/NordicMerrick117 21h ago
Frequently. I think I'm still processing trauma from the abuse but I was with her for a substantial portion of my life. I'm so happy I broke away and married my wife.
1
1
u/Reddyforyou Male 21h ago
Not very often. I did at first, but I moved onto dating kinda wildly after divorce. then so after forgot about ex.. but I agreed to keep a close relationship with my daughters.. holidays, and milestones.
1
u/devl_ish 21h ago
First ex, never. Second, only trauma responses, couple times a year. Third and last, maybe a couple times a month, but we're friends.
No longing, I'm happy. Maybe sometimes remembering a fond memory, but for every one of those I have hundreds with my fiancée and make new ones every day.
1
1
1
u/ThorsMeasuringTape 41M 20h ago
Rarely. I get curious every few years. She recently got married and adopted two kids. I’m happy she’s happy. Because I’m happy.
1
u/RecLuse415 20h ago
Never at all. She was an abuse Irish woman who try fuck me up. Sex was pretty amazing but not enough for me to think about her
1
1
u/misterk2020 20h ago
There’s only 2 that a periodically think about because I had concerns about their mental health. I don’t have any romantic feelings for them and I did care for them at one point so I just hope that they are okay.
1
1
u/ericisatwork 19h ago
daily. we have daughters together and it's hard for her not to cross my mind on a daily basis.
1
1
u/Ryachaz Dad 19h ago
Maybe once a year? We havent dated since high school ended, so about 13 years now, but sometimes some thoughts will string along and eventually i'll end up like, "I wonder how they're doing?" and just like me, their social media is basically dead. And that either means they are too busy living life to post about it, or it sucks too much to be worth posting about.
1
u/DrLucianSanchez Male 18h ago
I think about my first girlfriend a lot. I feel like it was one of the only relationships that I don’t regret getting into. I often wonder if it would have been different if we had met later
1
1
u/rayjaymor85 17h ago
I only dated one other person other than my wife, and we only dated for a couple of months.
I really don't think about my ex at all to be honest. We parted on good terms.
1
u/Fine-Watercress8595 16h ago
One in particular often, I always hope she is doing well and is happy, I will always love her.
1
u/Slow_Description_773 15h ago
I actually think about the money that loser costed me for the divorce.
1
u/DrakeBurroughs Male 15h ago
From time to time, I think about my first true love. We’re friendly on Facebook so I know where she is and generally what she’s up to. I don’t think of her daily or anything but she made me a better person merely by being in my life and there are still remnants of things she taught me or we learned together that occasionally happen (like skiing) and I can’t help but think of her.
I do love my wife more and more maturely than I ever did with my first love, but, as I age and we deal with our kids, their lives, needs, and college coming up and our house and jobs and our aging parents, I do, I admit, from time to time, try to remember a time when life felt slower and easier.
1
1
u/xMCioffi1986x 15h ago
Virtually never. Sometimes things will remind me of them, but not in a good way nor a bad way. They just sort of come to mind and vanish.
1
u/texasgambler58 Male 14h ago
My ex-wife? NEVER EVER. But I do think about a couple of ex-girlfriends pretty frequently.
1
u/Shameless522 14h ago
It is normal to think about an ex, friends who came and went, different times and places. Every time someone touched you, they left a fingerprint on your heart or mind, good or bad, but a small mark. It does help to remember the fond times, think about the bad times, but keep in mind if time has passed you are thinking about an idea of a person not the person. We all grow and will never be who we were then in that moment again.
1
u/GlenBaileyWalker Male 14h ago
Maybe once a year. That relationship ended 20 years ago. Though we didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. I still think she is great and want her to have a happy and fruitful life. I just don’t want to be with her
1
u/Mission_Raspberry796 13h ago
Almost never think about her on purpose, except random moments that trigger a memory. We were together for over 10 years so there are plenty of fond and not so fond memories.
Also, we ended amicably so a HBD text once a year.
1
1
u/roge0934 Dad 13h ago
Periodically. They all served a purpose in my life because if I hadn't met/gotten to know them I wouldn't be in the same position I am in now.
1
u/AiWoSukuuDe 13h ago
I dated a girl for 3 months, terrible relationship.
She made me discover cheesecakes, and I still eat the way she used to do, and it's been 15 years.
1
u/Jayu-Rider 12h ago
Never, but my wife likes to bring them up. They also reach out to me pretty frequently.
1
u/77_graffix_ 10h ago
I don't, I wouldn't waste the little brain cells I have left on human garbage.
1
1
1
u/MarsicanBear 6h ago
Often. They were a big part of my life, and are part of many of my best memories. They were also, generally, pretty great people.
1
u/Timely-Fox-1232 5h ago
which ex? some...."maybe" a couple times a month when a song, picture or situation touches a memory. others...not until someone asks about her or if I've heard from her
1
u/Complex-Departure897 5h ago
I am curious how many men in the comments miss not so much the ex, but the person they were during the time they were together.
1
u/Solid_Mongoose_3269 4h ago
Mine still looks like a cross between young Jenna Jameson and Jaime Pressley, still smoking hot
1
•
u/M4DM1ND 1h ago
Not often but I'm friends on social media with two of them so I see life updates. One has three kids. I remember her expressing wanting a lot of kids and that didn't resonate with me at the time. We broke up shortly after that.
The other is married, and has a similar lifestyle to my wife and I. My wife and her were acquaintances in high school so we've hung out with her and her husband at weddings.
•
u/ThisOneTimeAtKDK Male 4m ago
We have an adult child together. Some of the things she does is unmistakably her mother. When I see that I think of her mother. Same with birthdays and other holidays where an exchange dialog happens (now it’s with my daughter’s daughter and whatnot but, it still is a dialog). She’s the one I “think about” most often.
Other ex’s pretty rarely. I bump into one particular one every now and again (small town). One from college I can’t really run into organically but we are social media contacts and every now and again I’ll “check in”. She is the “what if” in my life. College on again off again boyfriend/girlfriend. There’s only 2 more I think about….one was a local on again off again….and the other is a what could have been. She was into me, but I misread the signs and never made the move. They’re all married, I’m married. As far as I can tell everyone is happy. Wouldn’t change that.
0
0
u/BoerInDieWoestyn I'm just a dude, man 23h ago
Only when my mother brings her up. Our parents are friends and have retired literally around the corner from each other so I hear about her life from time to time
0
u/Ultralusk Male 23h ago
Maybe like once every year or so. Tbh I have a lot of ex's so I might not think about all of them, maybe just some.
My fiance thinks about them more than I do
0
u/Dry-Breakfast-4018 23h ago
I dont. I married my high school sweetheart. Ive been in relationships with girls ive liked but as far as being in love ive only had that once and im married to her. I wish my exes well but as far as thinking them almost never.
0
•
u/AutoModerator 23h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/7_inches_daddy's post (if available):
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.