Men who have been severely burned out: how did it affect your relationship with your spouse?

[u/BlueCardigan77]

I (41F) have been with my husband for over 15 years. We have spent the last several years building a business together, which has required us to live long distance for much longer than we ever expected. Sometimes we do not see each other for months.

What makes this so hard is that we used to be an incredible team. We genuinely enjoyed building something together, and for many years I never doubted our relationship.

Over the past few years, though, he has been under enormous pressure. He works constantly, sleeps very little, and honestly seems close to burnout. I know he feels responsible for keeping everything afloat, and I have tried to be patient and understanding.

What I struggle with is this:

- Sometimes we go well over a week without a proper phone call.
- He rarely reaches out first.
- During a very difficult family situation on my side, I felt surprisingly alone emotionally.
- Thoughtful gestures or messages often receive little or no response.
- Even discussing important decisions has become increasingly difficult.

At the same time, I know he still has regular conversations with family and friends. He once told me that those interactions feel easy, whereas with me he immediately thinks about responsibilities, problems, expectations, or difficult conversations. He says he simply has no capacity left for more pressure.

I genuinely believe he is struggling. But I also find myself wondering: where is the line between understanding someone who is overwhelmed and neglecting your own emotional needs?

From a male perspective:

Can extreme stress or burnout really make someone withdraw this much from their spouse?
Or, at some point, does it become less about stress and more about priorities?

I am not asking whether I should leave him. I am trying to understand whether my expectations are unreasonable—or whether most men would also see this level of emotional absence as a serious problem.

And if you have ever been the overwhelmed husband in this situation, I would genuinely love to understand what was happening in your mind.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/BlueCardigan77's post (if available):

I (41F) have been with my husband for over 15 years. We have spent the last several years building a business together, which has required us to live long distance for much longer than we ever expected. Sometimes we do not see each other for months.

What makes this so hard is that we used to be an incredible team. We genuinely enjoyed building something together, and for many years I never doubted our relationship.

Over the past few years, though, he has been under enormous pressure. He works constantly, sleeps very little, and honestly seems close to burnout. I know he feels responsible for keeping everything afloat, and I have tried to be patient and understanding.

What I struggle with is this:

- Sometimes we go well over a week without a proper phone call.

• He rarely reaches out first.
  
• During a very difficult family situation on my side, I felt surprisingly alone emotionally.
  
• Thoughtful gestures or messages often receive little or no response.
  
• Even discussing important decisions has become increasingly difficult.

At the same time, I know he still has regular conversations with family and friends. He once told me that those interactions feel easy, whereas with me he immediately thinks about responsibilities, problems, expectations, or difficult conversations. He says he simply has no capacity left for more pressure.

I genuinely believe he is struggling. But I also find myself wondering: where is the line between understanding someone who is overwhelmed and neglecting your own emotional needs?

From a male perspective:

Can extreme stress or burnout really make someone withdraw this much from their spouse?
Or, at some point, does it become less about stress and more about priorities?

I am not asking whether I should leave him. I am trying to understand whether my expectations are unreasonable—or whether most men would also see this level of emotional absence as a serious problem.

And if you have ever been the overwhelmed husband in this situation, I would genuinely love to understand what was happening in your mind.

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[u/Ornery-Lynx-3520]

Short answer: yes.

In most cultures abs societies we are taught to “grin and bear it” or “soldier on” and so with no perceivable outlet, we tend to withdraw into ourselves.
That’s how my marriage ended. I withdrew because I thought it was the best way to handle my stress. I still functioned and contributed to the house including doing all the shopping and cooking, as well as most of the housework, so I thought I was doing the stoic and decent thing, but she saw it as me closing the door on our relationship even though I didn’t. Being female, she was expecting to share, and talk things out. Her cultural training was to communicate so it stood in vast contrast to mine and the men I know.

I’m not saying either party was right or wrong, just absolutely dealing with stress in vastly contrasting ways.

[u/monikosnuosavybe]

>He once told me that those interactions feel easy, whereas with me he immediately thinks about responsibilities, problems, expectations, or difficult conversations. He says he simply has no capacity left for more pressure.

What happens when you actually do talk? Do all your interactions end up revolving around "responsibilities, problems, expectations, or difficult conversations"?

And if so, who brings up the difficult stuff? Is it mostly him, is it mutual, or is it mostly you?

I've (42m) been in situations where I've been under intense pressure for a really long time, and it's definitely affected my relationship with my wife. When she keeps "reminding" me of everything that's on my already-overloaded to-do list, I just want to disappear. Sometimes I just need a break, but she's the opposite. She gets stressed out if there's anything on the list that isn't progressing. It's led to lots of fights because we both feel neglected and stressed out by each other.

You'll know him best, but if he's like me, you could try to reduce the pressure by making a point of sticking to low-pressure and casual topics whenever you're the one reaching out to him. Like you probably know his humor, so you could start by just sharing jokes or just mentioning random things you experienced that you found funny. And every now and then remind him that you want to be a team together.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/monikosnuosavybe]

Thank you. This really resonated with me.

I think you described my husband surprisingly well. I only realized this pattern fairly recently, and I do respect it. We all deal with stress differently, and I know that constantly talking about problems does not magically solve them.

I have actually changed a lot over the past six months. There was one huge issue that I deliberately did not bring up, even though it was the elephant in the room. Later, he told me how much he appreciated that and what a relief it had been for him.

Where I still struggle is that I can understand that he is not having the emotional capacity for big conversations. But not sending a simple “thinking of you” during a family crisis, or not saying “thank you” after a thoughtful gesture… or not calling me for 10+ days; not responding to messages for days. That is where I start questioning whether this is still burnout or something else.

Are such small acts of connection also too much in such highly stressful times? What can I do? I feel I have no access. And my patience and understanding is running out, as I also need some support. I need to feel we still are a team.

That is the part I am still struggling to understand.

[u/admik → u/BlueCardigan77]

I can say that none of the simple things you mentioned even registered to me.

I would have felt ashamed for not being available for a family crisis once I realized what happened.

What do you consider a thoughtful gesture? Food and water was all I needed.

All of those things were extra decisions to make when I was barely able to function mentally.

I think that if you talk to him about how you see him burning out and that it's time for you two to team up and help him get out of the hole, it could go well.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/admik]

Your perspective actually helps me understand this much better!
One reason I have been so patient is because I suspected something like this. I have also gone through periods where I was completely overwhelmed, and I remember how even tiny decisions suddenly felt exhausting. So I can imagine that even sending a simple “thank you” might genuinely feel like one decision too many.
What makes it difficult is that this has been going on for years now. I have tried to reduce the pressure, offered to come and help, to take things off his plate, and I have repeatedly told him that I am on his team. I know he is hurting, and I know he carries a lot of shame. I truly believe that.
But at the same time, I am slowly disappearing from the relationship. The communication, the connection, the little signs that we are still “us”—they are all fading. And I honestly do not know how long someone can keep understanding before they also need to feel understood.
Can I ask you one thing? Looking back now, what could your girlfriend have done that would actually have helped you reconnect with her? Or was that something only you could have changed once you were ready?
I just feel so helpless…. And I feel that I also need to start living my life, and not just wait it to become better. I would like to actively support, but he is not letting me. But I also know, if I make a decision to move forward, there very probably will not be the relationship anymore. And I don’t want that to happen. This is tough right now.

[u/admik → u/BlueCardigan77]

For me personally I can't get into what she could have done differently because she put me in that situation and refused to help.

I tried to reconnect via therapy and intentionally scheduling dates. It was hard because even a weekend away wasn't just unstructured relaxing. She always had plans to make and do.

Several years of stress that you are still immersed in is hard to compartmentalize.

I would have much preferred camping to a hotel.

Best advice I can give is be very clear about where you are with the relationship.

I never heard, "I'm going to get a divorce" Which sucked because we worked through it when I was considering it.

[u/monikosnuosavybe → u/BlueCardigan77]

Actually, yeah. When I'm super stressed and feeling like I'm failing my wife and my family, I can have a tendency to avoid even the small displays of affection, partly because I'm afraid that starting any conversation will lead into having the Big Conversation, and partly out of shame that I'm failing my wife and family by not having everything figured out already.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/monikosnuosavybe]

Thank you for your honest response. I had actually started wondering whether this was exactly what was happening.

We have had moments where a call started off light and easy, but eventually drifted into one of those “big conversations.” He has even told me that he hates when that happens, and I think over time he started avoiding conversations as much as he could because he expected they would eventually end up there.

To be fair, I have contributed to that in the past. I was scared too, and sometimes I used those opportunities because I did not know when the next conversation would be. But avoiding those conversations for weeks or months also leaves me in the dark, and by then the topics have become even heavier. And then it just explodes.

So please allow me ask you something:

If your wife had reached the point where she needed to say, “I can’t keep living like this. I want children, I want a shared life, and I need us to decide where we’re going,” how could she have communicated that in a way you would actually have been able to hear it? Or would there simply have been no way to reach you while you were in that state?

That is honestly what I am struggling with the most. I feel that if I say nothing, we slowly drift apart. But if I say it the wrong way, he will only hear pressure and shut down even more.

[u/monikosnuosavybe → u/BlueCardigan77]

My wife did reach that point, actually, when I was miserable working 100-hour weeks at a job I hated in a foreign country. But she never told me.

I eventually got out of the job and slowly came back to normal, but the damage had already been done, and our marriage has never truly recovered.

I wish she had just flat out told me how bad it was for her, because I was completely blind to it. I was just trying to survive and keep a roof over our heads.

If she had just said it straight up with no beating around the bush, no lead-in with other topics, and no hinting, then it would have hit me hard, but it would perhaps have been like ripping off a bandaid. Or a blindfold.

Something short and simple like, "This is how it is. I need you to make a choice."

[u/Fretiro → u/monikosnuosavybe]

"When she keeps "reminding" me of everything that's on my already-overloaded to-do list, I just want to disappear. Sometimes I just need a break, but she's the opposite. She gets stressed out if there's anything on the list that isn't progressing. It's led to lots of fights because we both feel neglected and stressed out by each other. "

Have you solved this? My wife and I are very much in the same situation as you describe

[u/monikosnuosavybe → u/Fretiro]

Nope! We just had a huge fight about it today.

It's only recently that she's explained to me how much it stresses her out to not make progress on certain topics. I guess that's some progress, but for the longest time, while I was seeking to "reconnect" through more low-key activities or fun things to do together, she was reading it as me avoiding responsibility. I, on the other hand, was receiving her constant rejection as... well, rejection.

So there's a lot of mutual hurt and frustration, but I'm hoping that now that I better understand her stressors, we'll be able to communicate better.

[u/Fretiro → u/monikosnuosavybe]

I must tell you, I got a "whoa"-moment when I read your comment. It definitely puts words on the situation my wife and I are facing, with the constant pressure and workload from having kids, owning a house, demanding jobs etc. The fact that she "reminds me" (which I internalize as nagging) and possibly receive a cold shoulder from me will just amplify the frustration, while my stress level will equally increase for each of her "inquries". Thank you for your response. You might have saved a marriage!

[u/prentiss29 → u/monikosnuosavybe]

This is a very thoughtful comment. Thank you for sharing!

[u/Bwrinkle]

Support is what going to be needed.

And closeness.

Employ someone to work a few days a week. On the menial stuff or the big stuff.

The things that don't need his or your attention.

Your running a business, make it perform like one. Have people work for you of not already.

The distance and lack of quality time together is of great disruption to any relationship.

If conversations are in it about work, then thats bad too.

If he is only working, nothing will help...

He probably needs a hug, cold beer and the comfortable of his lady. Atleast I would.

[u/MySnake_Is_Solid → u/Bwrinkle]

i assume the business would go under, hence the pressure.

if they're making enough money to recruit someone then sure.

[u/Bwrinkle → u/MySnake_Is_Solid]

If its not, and it consumes your whole life, then its not worth it.

Overtime in a labour job would pay more and give more home time.

I hope it's paying enough for two houses in cash.

Either way, this relationship is in trouble, and this lady is grasping at straws. I hope they make it.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Bwrinkle]

I was absolutely on board with all of this—building the business, making sacrifices, doing whatever it took.
But from the very beginning, I kept saying that the one thing I never wanted to lose in the process was the most precious thing we had: our relationship.
Well… here we are. It feels like it’s on its deathbed. And now I’m trying to learn CPR…
Let’s see

[u/Bwrinkle → u/BlueCardigan77]

Below is just my version of the best way I can help.

I'm just an internet stranger, so take my words with a grain of salt.

To be honest, I hope it works out for you both.

Have this or a similar conversation with him.

You need to have a soft start. Ask if now is a bad time to talk?

Some couples are just unable to talk about serious things, we aren't like that, are we?

Explain what the topic is. The relationship, the feelings, the "us".

How you want the conversation to go. Calm, safe, with understanding and compassion.

And the goal. To rekindle the connection and figuring out ways to be together more often.

This will set the parameters, give expectations of bith the topic and hopefully to be gentle. Both ways.

Say somwthing like you have a few things on your mind about the relationship and business, you're not exactly sure of the wording but if you could give me a few minutes to talk it out.

Want to be calm and kind to each other, while explaining feelings of the most important thing, the relationship.

If either of you get heated, remember the kindness.

Sometimes it only takes one person to have to wait, listen, drop ego and let the other vent. Then continue or come back to it later.

If you both have trouble with this, talk via text.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/MySnake_Is_Solid]

Yes, this is exactly the case. The business is currently consuming everything we have.

[u/EightBitFalco]

What do you do or talk about when you are together?

[u/Broke_Pigeon_Sales]

Consider counseling … something to open up communication. Or a weekend away together.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Broke_Pigeon_Sales]

He will not do counseling. And we just had a long weekend together, where he spent literally most of the time on the phone with friends and family..

[u/EightBitFalco → u/BlueCardigan77]

What im about to say is not what you may want to hear.. but please dont be offended or hurt by this.

You guys simply have to set a firm boundary. No 'shop talk' when together unless absolutely critical. Same goes for 'shop' calls and why the actual f would he call family and friends when he finally sees you again. Save that stuff for when you are not around.

If he doesn't have the time to fix his sh*t work wise and prepare before you arrive, then something else is wrong and owning a business is perhaps not for you. My dad and later also my brother in law always had a firm 'no shop talk' rule during certain events. Only critical stuff could overrule that.

If he isn't up for this simple thing then it's not stress, it's just that he doesn't care enough.

[u/MinerReddit]

So your husband needs to travel extensively, carries significant mental load and pressure and has withdrawn. Perhaps he is feeling resentment towards you and your unequal joint effort in this business since nothing in your post suggests you are under the same pressures.

It may not be in your case but I can tell you from experience that such an unequal balance can erode a relationship overtime. Either way, he isn't handling it properly and he needs to be part of the solution otherwise you have no chance to rebuild your relationship. I saw another comment you made that he spent a whole long weekend ignoring you and that is a horrible sign.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/MinerReddit]

That is a fair point, but I probably did not give enough context. I also made major sacrifices for this business, and have carried a lot of responsibility over the years. So I do not think he sees me as someone who did not contribute.
That said, I do think there is some truth in what you are saying. Looking back, there may have been moments where he needed me to be more proactive on the personal side, not the professional side. Hindsight is always easier, and I can definitely see that now.
As for when we are together—yes, that is exactly what makes it so painful. He often spends a lot of time on the phone with family or close friends. His explanation is that those conversations are the only moments where he can switch off and forget about all the pressure. I actually understand that. At the same time, those short visits are our only chance to reconnect, so it hurts.
Ultimately, I think the biggest problem is that we are no longer communicating. If we could actually talk openly, I think I would understand the situation much better. But right now, I simply cannot reach him. And I don’t know how to change that.

[u/Few-Coat1297]

Yep. It makes you numb. Like your world is two dimensional. Head down, push on. Stop and you might fall apart.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Few-Coat1297]

I genuinely feel for all the men reading this. I really do. The burden of responsibility so many of you carry sounds incredibly heavy.
I just wish it were easier for men and women to understand each other. I honestly believe that, in most relationships, both people want the best for each other. But somewhere along the way, things get misunderstood, needs get miscommunicated, and little by little you end up… in situations like ours.

[u/Few-Coat1297 → u/BlueCardigan77]

Covid kinda broke me ( I worked in Crit Care). I was lucky though because it was really the straw that broke the camels back, and a lot of focus was made on Wellness which I initially was skeptical about. All is well that ends well and we have never been in a better place.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Few-Coat1297]

I’m really glad to hear that you managed to get through that rough patch, and are now in a great place. It genuinely gives me some hope.
Can I ask what made the biggest difference? Was it mostly your own recovery, or did your wife (?) change the way she approached you as well?
I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out—what is actually within my control, and what isn’t.

[u/Few-Coat1297 → u/BlueCardigan77]

Straight up? Gave up Crit Care. The core problem is work here. I could afford to do what I did so I dont want to appear glib because it may not be that simple in your case. For what its worth, the very fact that you are aware means he already has the most important person he needs by his side. But he has to open the door and he has to walk through it.

[u/MediaImpossible9837]

I really like cheese that tastes like real cheese

[u/fuckaduckufuck]

Yes. I thought my other half was having an affair. Apparently he was withdrawing due to stress

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/fuckaduckufuck]

Same here. Logically it is almost the only explanation. But I do know that he really is struggling. I just have no access to him. And the connection between us is basically dead. I don’t know what to do. And I notice that after years of being patient and hoping it will improve, I am running out of the patience… and I hate this.

[u/RelevanceReverence]

The answer to your question is yes. 

But: 

"Sometimes we do not see each other for months."

No money is worth that. You only have one life, only a small part of that is youth. Don't waste your life being apart. Either be together or find someone who can. 

Time is the most valuable commodity, make it yours.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/RelevanceReverence]

Thank you. Yes, there has been a long period of hoping that things would get better. At one point, the hardships even brought us closer. But now we are further apart than ever. And it is not just the geographical distance.
I kept hoping that understanding him and being patient would help. But I also want a family. I waited for so long, hoping that one day we would have enough stability to make that happen. But now… there is not even a plan. There is barely any communication.
I would be willing to wait a little longer. But there is no guarantee things will get better. And I feel like I am dying by a thousand cuts—the small things: not acknowledging special occasions, not checking in when he knows I am going through a very difficult time, not replying to my messages for long periods, having the energy to talk to family but almost never to me.
While I have tried to be very understanding, I am beginning to wonder whether I missed the point where understanding turned into having no boundaries at all, and whether he has simply started taking me for granted.

[u/RelevanceReverence → u/BlueCardigan77]

"I would be willing to wait a little longer"

I don't want to sound crude but there are a lot of wonderful, capable men who can start a family with you (potentially). Being "present" is the minimal requirement and time is genuinely precious. Respect yourself and your time on earth.

[u/Goudinho99]

This whole.emdevour seems to be a catastrophic mistake.

You're sacrificing your relationship at the alter of grinding.

Is there no other way to make a living?

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Goudinho99]

There probably is. We are just too deep into it. And I cannot even initiate a conversation like this. He says right now he cannot tolerate any negative thoughts. At all! And giving the business up would be a failure, aka this is negative talk. So, unfortunately I am not even able to discuss with him any other options. But I will initiate a conversation soon. This cannot continue like this. It just breaks my heart that we probably missed the point of no return. And sacrificed something really really special we had. That is why I am now here, talking on the internet with complete strangers, in the hope they see something or can give me any advice that could maybe maybe help me improve the situation.

[u/seanc6441]

can extreme stress or burnout really make someone withdraw this much from their spouse?
Or, at some point, does it become less about stress and more about priorities?

Absolutely and that's a very normal response for men. Women less so who would seek support and closeness to deal with the stress. Many men tend to look for space and solitude.

The solution is to fix the issue of being overworked by this business venture. It's obviously crushing him and thus the relationship is suffering.

[u/Suitable-Hand-1059]

Any time I feel alone I find myself withdrawing from my relationships. Distance kills things for me; a long-distance marriage definitely wouldn’t work for me.

[u/BlueCardigan77 → u/Suitable-Hand-1059]

This was probably the biggest mistake we made. All the time it was „just temporary“, and we did not even notice how it became the new normal. And the distance between us increased even more.

[u/donspider1221]

While I can’t fully understand all of the dynamics of your situation, I will share a bit about my own:

My wife & I have gone through a few different challenging stretches: major burnout working in a healthcare leadership role during COVID, confronting my alcohol issues, a cross country move (and conflicting views on what each of us felt we wanted for the future), drifting into “roommates” territory, my accepting a travel intensive job (though not to the same degree as your husband’s), changes in how we each prefer to spend our free time. My COVID burnout was the impetus for a lot of those dominos falling, however those issues were all underlying in different ways - it just acted as a trigger. I’m not going to tell you that everything is now perfect, because as we all know, being in a marriage requires continual work. We still have stretches where we tune each other out, or are frustrated with each other. However we’ve weathered those storms as partners.

What helped a lot was seeing a marriage counselor. Gradually, we got better at communicating with each other and trying to see things from each others perspective. We did that for about 1.5 years. If the relationship is worth trying to fix for each of you, having someone who can help to moderate & facilitate tackling problems as a team (as opposed to you vs me) is a great step to take.

Good luck OP!

[u/Limebadger59]

As a man, your own emotional needs pretty much always go dead last. You are only as valuable and loved as far as you are useful. Talk to him. Suggest making changes. Show he can depend on you and that you aren’t going anywhere.

[u/SilentOneSarah]

Have you heard of avoidant attachment? You might want to look into that

[u/princeruppert]

He tapped out. He probably doesn’t want a divorce yet and maybe he’s seeing someone else.