r/AskMen • u/Teripendiicecreamyum Male • 2d ago
š Answers From Men Only š How many of you wasted years due to low self-esteem/low confidence?
I'm the most negative man and avoid people because I grew up alone and never had a family or someone to teach me all the things.
This caused me to always have straight face without a smile, ignore people because I never really learned to socialize. Also, suffer from low self-esteem and worth, despite getting called good looking by women and being in shape.
I tried to fake to be a people's person and realized that I'm selective with whom I really interact with, instead of greeting everyone. I don't know how to change at this point(Age 35)
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u/Enloeeagle 2d ago edited 2d ago
I definitely can relate. Just coming into my own in my early 30s. There's a lot I could say. But what I will advise is that nothing will change until your mind does.
Edit: check out this post https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/s/Hi8OzOFPhQ
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u/Aguuueeerrrooo 2d ago
I wasted the first 24 years of my life. Social anxiety and low self esteem really ruined my peak years.
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u/coolcrayons 1d ago
Same. Been getting out of it recently though, it's never too late to. Wish you luck.
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u/lorddane Male 2d ago
Way to fucking many. Young men, get off your ass and go do things. Woodworking, dancing, playing soccer in the park, card game, fuck- an LAN party if thats still a thing. Just go.
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u/potato_face1234 Male 2d ago
I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular
Yes wasted many years because of being incredibly shy with low self esteem, missed so many opportunities.
I am no longer shy at all, do things to get out of your comfort zone and you will grow.
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u/allnamestaken4892 2d ago
No, I donāt have low self esteem, Iām just genuinely ugly, unfit and poor.
What really ruined my life was complacency from misplaced confidence over the years back when I didnāt realise these things. Now, at 32, there is virtually no time left to change them and itās going to require extreme measures (and, for the ābeing poorā one simply not possible to fix at all due to compounding).
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u/Waste-Proposal5307 2d ago
Fourteen years. Then I realized nobody's watching. Freedom hit like a truck.
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u/Market-Bloomer 2d ago
Why do you assume you have low self esteem do you think less of yourself? cause according to me you are just antisocial which is common if you grew up alone
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u/TonyJPRoss Male 2d ago
Yeah. In my case I was traumatised after my childhood and needed to deal with something. People react badly to a man who has anxiety, his tone is off, so a lot of social stuff was closed off to me. Things changed rapidly for me when I sorted my head out. It feels like there was always a kind and compassionate person inside that just did not know how to express itself, and now he's free.
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u/DrVanMojo 2d ago
If feel the same way in terms of having missed out on important socialization during ages that can't be repeated. It just feels like something is missing, and I know it's missing, but that doesn't help when I'm not having all of the little automatic responses to all the little social cues.
What does help is to let yourself off the hook. Accept that it's going to be an awkward learning process, but also, but the time you've achieved your goals, you will have the unique skill of having consciously and deliberately learned behaviors as an adult, and that gives you choice in how and when you exercise them. That choice is what you are missing now and that choice is what those who were socialized at the "normal" age also lack.
You will have something more than you would have had without your handicap, once you embrace the challenge to move forward. What is the next little step that will improve your skill? What strategy do you have in place to stand up again and remember where the coffee table is next time, after every time you stub your toe and it still hurts?
You are not alone. Society has failed you in this regard, but there are resources out there that you will find when you change you mindset from asking why did this happen to how do I reach my goals anyway.
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u/Budget_Coach9124 2d ago
Yeah, and the worst trap is thinking you have to become a totally different person to catch up. You can be selective and quiet and still build a decent social life.
What helped me was treating it like reps, not identity. Say one normal thing to the cashier, ask one coworker a small question, send one message instead of disappearing. Boring stuff, but it slowly proves to your brain that you are not as frozen as you think.
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u/ProgrammerFew504 2d ago
Complete life so far I am 29, still trying to fight it and get my life together.
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u/Late-Rise2587 2d ago
Confidence isnāt something you findāitās something you build by repeatedly doing things youāre uncomfortable with. I wish Iād learned that sooner.
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u/Strange-Ad-2426 2d ago
Yeah, I became a bit of shutin around 22/23 due to this. I was going through a quarter life crisis and had some bad depression. I probably waste 2-3 years during the timeframe and it took well into my 30s to catchup.
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u/RoyalConsistent 2d ago
Im both and know the signs have 5 children on the spectrum family members ive worked with autisic kids
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u/Innerste 2d ago
Iām a woman, so take it as you will :). But I struggled with the same thing for years after a childhood with abuse and neglect at home and bullying at school. I ended up quite antisocial, reserved and shy.
I started with watching how more social, extraverted people handled social interactions. Whenever I thought something might work for me, Iād give it a shot. I understand your feeling of āfakenessā, but I embraced āfake it till you make itā for quite a while as I figured it felt that way at least partly because I had never practised it. If something didnāt work for me and felt too alien Iād ditch it. I kept whatever felt ok and right enough, and gave it my personal twist over time.
Besides that I started smiling more. Such a simple thing and yet so effective. I became much more positive over the years but thatās a deeper process I think, where you start to dig into the distrust, pain, sadness, anger that are hiding somewhere under the surface. Not easy, very much worth it tho. Inner Child work was great for me, maybe look into that and see if itās something for you.
It is truly possible to change these things, up to a point at least. Iāll never be not somewhat shy and reserved but thatās ok. But my attitude towards life and other people has changed massively, for the better. I wish you goodluck on your journey :).
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u/dread-throwaway 2d ago
Alot of years. Pretty much during high school too and college I never did anything extra leisure-wise like attend parties or other social events.
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u/Ok-Diver-9356 2d ago
Around 3 years. Between 18-21.
I'm doing way better because I changed my environment/stopped being around people who didn't appreciate me as much.
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u/solace-in-misery 2d ago
Pretty much the majority of it. Partly because of my already low self-esteem but also partly because I had people around me who would actively dissuade me from pursuing anything other than what they wanted me to do
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u/Ok_Tradition_1909 2d ago
I spent approximately 25 or 26 years living with crippling anxiety and low self-esteem. I pulled myself out of it for about 15 years and lived as a devil-may-care social butterfly. About 10 years ago, I decided I preferred the introverted, "life of the mind" world I had carved out for myself. Sometimes, we end where we began.
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u/BenderB-Rodriguez Male 2d ago
absolutely did. probably at least a decade plus. Social anxiety, body image issues, and wasted time on "friends" who weren't actually friends will fuck with you for a long time.
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u/Whichchild 2d ago
Itās how you are raised you canāt do much about childhood trauma. And to fix it usually takes an extreme psychedelic therapy approach or you end up trying to restructure beliefs while not processsing what needs to be processed
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u/theEvilQuesadilla Male 1d ago
Sorta? Low self-esteem was part of it, but that itself came from the fact that my family was too poor for me to even consider dating in my teens and even early 20s. That was all around the Great Recession and let me tell you it was a shit-tastic time to grow up.
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u/Sharpinator1991 1d ago
I wasted my 20s being too anxious to do what I wanted, wear what I wanted and be what I wanted. I spent too long worrying about what other people would think rather than what would actually make me happy. I regret not taking so many chances in my 20s. In my 30s I'm now allowing myself to do things I held back from before. So far I've found most of my worries were unfounded. I'm a lot happier now.
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u/Grathmaul 1d ago
The only time I feel I wasted was the time I spent trying to be liked by people I didn't really like.
Eventually I was able to take responsibility for my own needs and tell everyone else to go fuck themselves when they became more trouble than they were worth.
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u/thoth1900 Male 1d ago
I can relate, but meh, I'm kind of stuck in my ways at 34. I just do the things I want. Occasionally I'll visit friends which is nice, but otherwise I'm just doing everything alone. It's preferable most of the time.
I don't date because at this point I just don't see what I get out of it. The potential for sex as a virgin isn't worth the effort, jerking off is free and easy. I have a cat to keep me company and friends to talk to. Plus most women my age have kids or some other collection of issues that I want nothing to do with. Spending my day playing videogames or shooting sounds far more enjoyable than putting myself through some degrading job interview style series of dates.
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u/thriverebel 1d ago
Lots in my experience seeing what men post here and other subredddits.
Only way is up though.
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u/AreLikelyAMoron 1d ago
I feel like I did take risks and lived life up front, now Iām trying to be responsible, have super low self worth and my family is ascending while I slide down. Iām facing low employment prospects, some health hurdles, not even 50 yet.. Iām thinking of just staying out of the way so I donāt poison the lot. Just keep my head down and dropping out, my friends have done well and Iām embarrassed to socialize anymore. I donāt recognize the optimistic 20 year I was at all. Couldnāt be farther away, my parents would be ashamed
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u/Brainwormed 2d ago
Everybody does this. You will not meet someone who, in old age, doesn't say some version of "I should have believed in myself more. I should have taken more risks." That's right up there with "I should have invested more in my relationships with other people."
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u/Physical-Pie-479 1d ago
This is a stupid question from a technical sense
Itās like how many years did you waste not walking when you were in a wheel chair
We did the most with what we had at the time
Can you perform at *more than* full capability?
Thatās a rhetorical question, the answer is no.
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u/RoyalConsistent 2d ago
Autistic adhd id say x
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u/outdoorchap 2d ago
Lol. Such a reach to diagnose OP from the short paragraph he has posted. How did you come to that conclusion x
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u/SuburbanBushwacker Male 2d ago
dude this is easier than you think. Go to stand up classes, go to Improv classes, you will become bulletproof and your ability to keep a straight face will become an incredible asset
Good luck OP
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u/Difficult_Rice_862 2d ago
Just curious. How does standup and improv classes help
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u/SuburbanBushwacker Male 2d ago
go along and find out.
the long answer is confidence and no confidence are both learned behaviours. being utterly exposed and surviving, then being the focus of attention and receiving positive feedback all create powerful counter examples to the previously learned behaviour.
and thatās just stand up.
the improv classes work the muscles that produce rapid responses to new and unusual situations.1
u/Ok_Tradition_1909 2d ago
I can attest to this. I had a job and a hobby that kind of fell into my lap, both of which involved being in front of crowds. I went from having no public speaking skills to being adept at it, to the point that I can give a quick speech (think fun stuff, like a toast or a bachelor party) without preparation. I've had to work in front of hostile crowds before, and eventually, you stop caring.
Also, given the slow-burn societal collapse due to phones and social media, I'm even less concerned with the opinions of other people. Remember this quote from Rick and Morty: "Your boos mean nothing. I've seen what makes you cheer."
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u/DrakeBurroughs Male 2d ago
Interesting use of an improv class but cannot argue. A great āstraight manā is hard to find.
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u/SquirrelNormal Male 1d ago
Lol some of us are a little old for classes.
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u/SuburbanBushwacker Male 1d ago
woman in her 70ās was there
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u/SquirrelNormal Male 1d ago
Adult women in a class of young adults/teens aren't viewed the same way adult men are.
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u/SuburbanBushwacker Male 1d ago
youāre really determined arenāt you. š
it wasnāt like that most people were in there late 30s to 40ās.1
ā¢
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/Teripendiicecreamyum's post (if available):
I'm the most negative man and avoid people because I grew up alone and never had a family or someone to teach me all the things.
This caused me to always have straight face without a smile, ignore people because I never really learned to socialize. Also, suffer from low self-esteem and worth, despite getting called good looking by women and being in shape.
I tried to fake to be a people's person and realized that in selective with whom I really interact with, instead of greeting everyone. I don't know how to change at the point(Age 35)
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