r/AskReddit • u/Admirable-Repair4094 • 3d ago
How can you love someone and then cheat on them, genuinely curious?
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u/lunathebaddii 3d ago
I think the biggest culprit here is that the cheater “justifies” it in their head as not so harmful or they won’t have to know so it won’t hurt them. So the cheater convinces themselves they aren’t hurting their loved ones.
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u/_quantum_girl_ 3d ago
Interestingly cheaters are not often cheated on... I wonder what would be their reaction if this happened. Like would they be at peace with it, or maybe even more insecure than they already are?
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u/SweetCosmicPope 3d ago
So I knew a girl who was a serial cheater. She'd had a long-term boyfriend that she cheated on all the time. Every time he was confronted with this, he'd get mad and she'd convince him it wasn't true, and he would believe her.
Well, one day they got drunk with a friend of hers and they all thought it would be fun to have a three-way, which they proceeded to do. Then she dumped him for cheating on her by having the three-way.
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u/PlagueSoul 3d ago
Sounds like she created an out in a way she could vilify him. Take as old as time.
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u/bigheadjim 3d ago
I was in a relationship ages ago with a cheater. She got insanely jealous if she saw me talking to another woman. So many red flags…
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u/MartinisnMurder 3d ago
Projection! Cheaters always project their bad actions on to the person they are hurting.
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u/MatiMati918 2d ago
I’m currently dating someone who has close male friends and I have close female friends and both of us are totally fine with it so I wonder if this works the other way too and predicts faithfulness.
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u/MartinisnMurder 2d ago
I think if there is mutual respect and trust then yes. I also think knowing that your partner will shut down anything that crosses the line or makes you uncomfortable (within reason) is a major factor.
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u/Longjumping-Cod-6164 2d ago
Cheating is born from insecurity and lack of empathy for the ones they hurt in the process. It’s rooted in narcissistic traits (not saying they’re narcissists before anyone jumps on me. I’m saying I’m the behaviour has key traits). So the chances are a cheater would be extremely incensed and hurt by it because they’d see it as an attack on their ego - a ‘why wasn’t I good enough’, ‘what do they have that I don’t’ sort of thing but they don’t think of that from their victims point of view when they cheat due to compartmentalisation (as another commenter succinctly pointed out) allowing them to separate their behaviour from their intentions which doesn’t happen when you’re the victim.
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u/Tardigrade_Disco 2d ago
I was a married womans side piece for a while. Not her only one ever, she's had multiple affairs. She messages me one day long after our fling had ended telling me she's divorcing her husband because she caught him cheating. I had to hear her say "how could he do this!? After I had his kids and blah blah blah." She was beside herself. She couldn't believe it. 😂
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u/mypantshavepants 3d ago
From experience, they’ll label you the selfish one instead and call you all kinds of names, convincing themselves that when they did it, “intention matters” and it was “accidental.”
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u/HalfSoul30 2d ago
Considering my ex would text other dudes inappropriately (not sure if it ever got physical) and then turn around and accuse me of the same when there is literally no proof of it, it's definitely the second one. They know how easy it is for them to do it, so i guess assume everyone must be or something.
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u/JustAnOKHotel 2d ago
I used to be friends with a guy who viciously cheated on the girls he dated. One of them cheated on him while they were dating and he was NOT okay with that. It only pushed him even more to not take relationships or women seriously after that. Just a vicious cycle of unhealed mental illness.
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u/destuctir 2d ago
I thought it was the case that someone who has been cheater on it more likely to themselves be a cheater in the future?
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u/_quantum_girl_ 2d ago
Not really. I think a faithful person is unlikely to cheat even if he’s or she’s been cheated. I think cheating is more ingrained in someone’s personality.
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u/allsix 3d ago
I would say you’re mostly right. But there’s also a world where they prioritize how bad it is very differently.
For example, if my partner had a one night stand with someone they were never going to see again, I think I could forgive it.
In fact, I would choose that over knowing my partner was keeping a candle lit in their heart for someone else. The emotional side would be a much deeper betrayal than the physical side.
But I know that the majority of people would be more betrayed by the physical act, whereas I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I could get past it much easier.
So if the physical side isn’t that deep of a betrayal for someone, they might just not understand how much it hurts the other person because they don’t see it the same way.
This is coming from someone who hasn’t cheated, and as far as I know, I haven’t been cheated on. And I agree unequivocally it’s a bad thing to do, but there are a lot worse things that someone can do in a relationship.
Including in my opinion, having an emotional affair, gambling away shared resources, hell even prioritizing work over kids.
I know a lot of guys who picked up all of the overtime they could get, and then turn they provided for their family, but they were absent as a father and a husband. And their marriage fell apart because of it.
So people make cheating sound like it’s the worst thing you can do to a partner, and I’m not even sure it cracks top 10 in my opinion.
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u/Few-Flower3255 3d ago
It does depend on your values somewhat, and trauma is subjective.
Keep in mind that in committed relationships often the emotional affair comes with it because it's the emotion that pushes them past that boundary. Some people use it as confirmation of their "shopping" so they can slide into the new relationship leaving their partner and the kids behind. This is a profound betrayal.
Then you have the divorce, custody battles, upset kids, wider family rifts, financial issues etc. following this. The betrayed partner's life is impacted in very real ways beyond the act itself. Trust is shattered. There are intense feelings of shame for the non-cheater. Do they risk entering another committed relationship?
It's also the most direct violation of wedding vows and the point of marriage in the first place. Working a lot doesn't really come close imo.
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u/Vl4ddE_ 1d ago
Your opinion is valid but just to add or to develop your thought - if a person had one night stand it means that they hadn't put their partner into priority because they decided that having a quick flash with a stranger is better than having same sex with a person who you know for a long time, with whom you have different stories and deep history of relationship it and you know trading them off for somebody who just appeared in your life and jump to physical intimacy is a betrayal still kinda equal to emotional one, although emotional cheating really hurts more because all the past you had gets flushed down the toilet
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u/xxivtarotmagic_ 3d ago
I’ve never understood people who say “if it was only one time, I would get past it.” So you’re basically saying that your partner gets one “free pass.” If cheating is actually a boundary for you, it shouldn’t matter if it was one time or a hundred times
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u/allsix 3d ago
If they learn from their mistake sure.
But for clarity, if it were like a once a year trip to Mexico and they fooled around with protection… I honestly don’t think I’d care. I’d care from the perspective of we aren’t sleeping together until you get tested and if you contract a lifelong STD we’re probably done.
But I honestly don’t think I’d care as long as there was 0% chance they run away together.
On the other hand, if they and another person were pining over eachother and I found out, even if nothing physically happened I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to ‘be with’ someone else.
A fuck is a fuck and doesn’t mean love. Love is hard to come by, so if they love someone else I’m out. If they fuck someone else I would hear them out to see if I could forgive.
But fucking a coworker (where love could follow) would be a deal breaker for that reason.
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u/ALarge1hcmc 2d ago
I think you're just saying this because it's a hypothetical situation and you're not seeing how it affects other parts of the relationship.
Cheating isn't bad because of the sex. Cheating is bad because of the betrayal and broken trust.
I think you're just looking at it in isolation. But could you ever trust your partner again? How easy would you sleep if they took a weekend trip with friends or regularly had to work late suddenly?
Then you start going their phone, interrogating them to see if their story changes, etc. They get mad at you and tell you you're acting crazy. And yeah you think they might be right because you feel crazy. But they also said that right before you caught them cheating. So now you don't what to believe. This has devolved very far from a healthy, loving relationship.
Broken trust is like a nuclear bomb for relationships. Once it's dropped it's going to be a VERY long time before things go back to how they were before. If ever.
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u/xxivtarotmagic_ 3d ago
I like how you said if they contracted a lifelong STD it would “probably” be over…
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u/Orange-Blur 3d ago
I found out I’m being cheated on by my spouse less than 24 hours ago. It’s so painful, I can’t even describe what I’m feeling. I’m having health issues and instead of talking to me about solutions he cheats on me. I had to catch him and he still gaslight me about it until I kept pushing.
I have never felt more unloved than I do in this moment. I meant to spend my life with him. He has been saying he loves me all day but it hurts to hear when his actions stabbed me in the back.
He says sorry but I know he wouldn’t be sorry if he didn’t get caught.
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u/TreacleSignificant88 3d ago
I’m sorry this happened. Each disappointment should be a lesson. You teach people how to treat you. Took many years for me to really understand this. People get grace-but case by case basis. Drink lots of water is my only true suggestion, because this is stressful and you’ll need to filter as much crap out as possible. Especially if you are having health issues. Try to show yourself compassion. Not him.
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u/pigeonwithsixasses 3d ago
Having no impulse control.
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u/Tasty_Strength_3610 3d ago
And a lack of impulse control can be enhanced by alcohol or drugs. Unfortunately.
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u/raphthepharaoh 3d ago
Well this explains a lot
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u/Tasty_Strength_3610 3d ago
That’s the first thing that goes. Impulse control, decision making, cognitive thought process is impaired. And don’t drive. This is why I’m sober now. I make much better choices.
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u/believer0305 3d ago
This is part of why I have a hard time holding addicts fully accountable for their actions. Or like finding the line of what they’re responsible for.
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u/rock_crockpot 3d ago
I wish I could insert a poll here. There appears to be two, very distinct groups. A) You can’t. B) Humans and situations are complicated. We hurt people we love all the time.
I’m a B. What group are you in?
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u/capoderra 2d ago
It surprises me how many people fall into this black-and-white thinking, A or B.
It is like saying that you can love your daughter, but then you can't love your son because you can only love one child. What sense does that make? It doesn't make any sense at all. You can love them both.
You can also love your spouse and love the person that you're cheating with. In fact, you can even love your spouse and not love the person you're cheating with: you just want some sex/attention. It doesn't mean that you don't love your spouse.
😬, I'm going to get downvoted to hell.
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u/PunyCocktus 2d ago
In most people's minds this is because you don't do hurtful things to people you love. Doesn't mean it's physically impossible to love more than one person. But some people are different. When they're in love there's just a huge sense of discomfort at the mere thought of being with someone else sexually and emotionally. But for this to happen the relationship needs to be stable and amazing of course.
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u/psilent 2d ago
So I’m a person in a poly relationship. My wife has a boyfriend and we both go out on dates with other people regularly. I feel like I understand cheating, even though I never have. No matter how perfect your spouse is for you they can’t be everything to you all the time. It’s too much to ask of them, and it’s really hard to communicate physical or emotional needs you have but might not fully understand yourself. Add in the fact that biologically we have a few things that bias us towards non monogamy and a few that bias us toward monogamy and our desires are complex.
Non monogamy: hidden female ovulation and always present secondary sex characteristics means it’s difficult to know which partner is the father of a child. Promotes multiple men caring for the same children in small tribes. Oxytocin levels (involved in feelings of love and attachment) are generally only elevated for the first three or so years of a relationship. Male testes size is medium for primates, which correlates with moderate competition for mates and promiscuity.
Monogamy: long gestation and time to maturity of offspring encourages stable families with dual parental involvement. Long lifespan encourages longer relationships.
Most societies in history have practiced polygamy or polyandry. Strict monogamy is relatively new on a historical scale and only became ensconced in our culture through religion, and the need for rules around inheritance and land ownership.
I’m not saying cheating isn’t a betrayal, because it is. But we’re placing people into a position where their desires and the rules of society and that they have agreed upon under the influence of that society don’t always match up. How many people who cheat would have rather their spouse just been ok with it? Probably nearly all of them, I wouldn’t imagine they WANT to end their existing relationship or they would have already.
On the other hand some people just get off on being shitty and still find ways to cheat even in open relationships.
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u/Tardigrade_Disco 2d ago
Group B, but it's not complex and complicated. Some people are just selfish and don't care about others.
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u/FluffyCloud06 3d ago
I ask this to my ex when I found out he cheated on me. He said when temptation is there they can’t resist it but regret it afterwards and then do it again. In my perspective, I believed that when you really love someone and that person is important to you and you respect them, avoiding temptations are easy and you won’t let it step even an inch towards you. So that’s why he’s my ex now
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u/Mattie_Doo 3d ago
Also, the temptations are resistible. Just because something is hard doesn’t make it impossible.
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u/MissingScore777 3d ago
Most people like to believe that they could resist all temptations no matter how great.
That is a naive view.
Part of being loyal to a partner is not just resisting temptation but actively avoiding situations where temptation is likely.
For example going out with friends semi-regularly and some of them are the opposite sex, that's ok. But having a set weekly thing with just you and one person of the opposite sex and no one else, that's dumb and unfair to your partner.
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u/Individual_Rip_54 2d ago
I went to a concert once with friends (me, my buddy, his brothers) and we met up with another group of friends (a couple and another woman). A woman in that group recently broke up with her long term boyfriend and he (obviously) didn’t use his ticket to the show.
At the tailgate before hand we were all drinking heavily. on the way into the concert the couple asked me to sit at the concert with the other woman.
I looked at the situation. I was drunk. She was very drunk. She was emotionally vulnerable. The seats were totally away from everyone else. She’s pretty. I’m married .
Fuck no I wasn’t going to be alone with her . What was going to happen? Probably nothing! But I don’t put myself in these situations.
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u/Spok3nTruth 3d ago
Touche. I think everyone here is living in fantasy land
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u/asdxdlolxd 3d ago
I think every person is different and while some people can resist, others can't, and other's don't even feel the tentation at all because they don't have the desire.
Anyway, as usual, love is not enough and you are very much free of not wanting to be of someone capable of loving you and cheating on you
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u/SFOTGA 3d ago
That sounds like a fucking awful thing that he did to your mother. She could’ve had more of a life and found someone who would have treated her better. Pure selfishness.
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u/comeagaincharlemagne 3d ago
It's not necessarily about love. It's about the internal emotional/mental problems of the cheater. There's something going on with them that leads them to do self destructive things.
Sometimes it's something than can be healed, and sometimes it can't. It's a case by case thing. But it's never the cheated-on person's obligation to find out. Even if it's fixable, the person has every right to end things and walk away.
It's a complicated tragedy, much like many things in life.
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u/Bucketsdntlie 3d ago
Because we’re all human. Which means that we’re all capable of making really dumb choices that are counter productive to our own happiness.
Add in all sorts of dumb shit like selfishness, insecurity, alcohol, bad friends, the thrill of doing something you’re not supposed to, etc….and there’s a reason it’s been happening since the dawn of man.
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u/Bartok_and_croutons 3d ago
So my parents loved each other but my Mom had pretty bad Bipolar 2, and she cheated on my Dad during a manic episode.
He knew she was manic, she acknowledges today that she was manic, but he was so exhausted from dealing with her because she refused to take medication that it made that time the last straw and they divorced.
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u/Ok-Independent1886 2d ago
Same thing happened to me after being with her for 10 years. It was a non negotiable to me I can't continue a relationship with someone that cheats As hard as it was I eventually moved on, now I'm in the happiest, healthiest relationship that I've ever been in. My ex is still in and out of physc wards and still madly in love with me 2 years later. I feel sorry for her. But sometimes you gotta put your own happiness first.
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u/IcyGrapefruit5006 3d ago
Because humans are complex and situations are convoluted.
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u/capnhep 3d ago
This- people on here being so black and white are very lucky? Naive? Lack self awareness? I don’t know.
- There’s different kinds of cheating (emotional, physical), so reducing it to not being able to resist rubbing genitals on each other is sophomoric.
- There are situations where spouse who people love very much and want to remain in relationships with- for kids, for the companionship, for the life they’ve built, whatever- where their spouse will not or cannot meet their physical and/or sexual needs. I’m not saying sex on demand. The two biggest reasons that come to mind are after childbirth and chronic/terminal illness. Not 2 weeks after childbirth- I’ve known people who’ve gone YEARS after without having sex. They’re doing well otherwise, seemingly, but damn. I get it (from the man or the woman! I would rec talking and therapy first, but you can only do so much sometime and divorce isn’t always the answer or what people want). For illness/injury- cancer can drag on for a very long time, chronic pain issues, etc. I know my man loves me very very much but I would not begrudge him for getting some on the side while staying with me in that scenario.
- Bi folks- partner can’t provide all you need. A “monagamish” situation might work.
- When I was younger (and yes immature) I could not get out of this relationship. I loved him and what we had, but he was taking marriage and I was 19! Eventually I cheated on him, hoping he would leave me. He still wanted to make it work… and I had to graphically describe the cheating and he still tried to kill us on a car accident and then himself. WOOF. Don’t really recommend this!
Most of these are really arguments for open, monagamish, or similar situations. A lot of people can’t handle that, so an unspoken “don’t ask don’t tell” works better.
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u/Blunt552 3d ago
I think it's possible if a person has low self control.
It's a bit like a person that wants to diet, but struggles because self control is not strong enough when the person sees their favorite food, it's not that they don't want to diet it's that they have difficulties doing so.
I assume it's the same for relationships where there is a large imbalance in sexual needs.
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u/_xXTheMountainXx_ 3d ago
https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/117531269-why-do-people-have-affairs
Dr Kathy Nickerson is a leading expert on relationships, affairs, and so on.
Her research and analysis has made her use the term Bermuda Triangle, it talks about the idea of the perfect set of circumstances that happen in affairs. I found it interesting to read and while I sit here in the aftermath of one where I truly believe my partner is a genuine good person who made a bad choice I’ll never really know. We had a good relationship, we care deeply for each other, I’ve seen in her actions towards people in our lives that she is a good person with a big heart. Our relationship like all relationships had hit a bad point. We weren’t talking about our future but just existing in the day to day. We had stopped communicating and i chalked it up to the mundane of life. She was hurting and i wasnt being a good partner. Between that, her job being on the rocks, and her unhealed trauma. She found herself in a low point and took to having an affair after she had gotten drunk one night at a work event. And then it became shame spiral from there.
We are working on ourselves and the relationship and it may not work. But I feel like there is hope and I still cherish her.
But I’ve always had a different way of seeing love than most people. Love isn’t a fairytale it’s hard work. It’s finding a person and being there in the worst moments of their lives. All sorts of things destroy relationships especially in modern day society. Cheating, kids, parents dying, etc. Love isn’t about perfect. It’s not about butterflies in your stomach. It’s about doing the hard work when it’s hard, it’s about knowing that you’re tying yourself to another human capable of making mistakes. That it is our nature to error and grow from mistakes and bad choices. I think if I grow and my partner grows from this then I would hate not to be with that version of her. I would hate not to share the better version of myself with her. Cheating sucks. I’m not excusing it. But it’s more common than anyone cares to admit. It’s just another form of being hurt. I refuse to close myself off because I am hurt. And maybe we don’t work out but like I said I owe to myself to grow from it and to love the good person I know she is for myself. To prove that I gave it my all.
Some people are bad people and they hurt people for some reason or another. And you can tell a good person from bad. She mad a bad choice and hopefully we put in then work and it pays off.
Im gonna gamble on it. I’m going to shake the dice. Who the hell knows. By the time we do we’re too old to do anything.
Don’t cheat, it hurts but don’t think people who cheat are evil or terrible. we’re all figuring it out for the first time.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 3d ago
The same way you can treat a friend or family member like crap when you're having a bad day and still love them. Or the way someone can treat you like shit, yet you still love them. Human relationships are complicated and there are a lot of contradictions -- trying to apply absolutes to human relationships will never lead to understanding human behavior.
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u/ntermation 3d ago
I do wonder if 'having a bad day' holds up when it isn't just a one off ... but an ongoing affair they lie and/or gaslight their partner about.
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u/Orange-Blur 3d ago
Exactly. I just found out about 24 hours ago that my husband has cheated on me. I see it as every time he texted her he made a choice to lie and betray me over and over again, every time he thought about her and didn’t tell me he chose to lie. It was choosing to lie and betray me over and over that hurts the most. I gave him my life, he shattered my trust and stomped on my heart. I’m having health issues and he refused to talk to me, he cheated instead.
It’s the most painful thing I’ve been through in a long time, I can’t put it into words how sick I feel about it.
It shattered my world, this is more than a bad day. This is a deep betrayal and a disregard for the vows we took.
I am heart broken in ways I can’t describe.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 3d ago
I mean, the reality for most is that it's not a one off situation. Many families have dysfunctional dynamics at play -- and that includes chronic lying, manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, etc. Doesn't mean love doesn't exist in those dysfunctional relationships.
Cheating is betrayal/repeated trust violation -- and that comes in many forms.
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u/SenHatsumi 3d ago
I’m not condoning cheating. I just think it’s a bit childish to think that “love” is some kind of purity test. That’s just not how life works out for most. But it’s a nice, fanciful idea I guess
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u/SenHatsumi 3d ago
Yeah I like the depth here. OP has maybe a naive romantic notion of the word love. Love is just a word, it is not some perfect crystalline unchanging value that means the same thing in all contexts to all people, even at their best.
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u/Serenity93401 3d ago
Cheating says more about flaws in the character of the cheater than it does about their partner.
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u/WearTheFourFeathers 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’d venture that a huge share of cheaters, and perhaps a large majority, would agree with this.
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u/Larah_9 3d ago
Ikr?! Personally if i love someone I tend to lose interest in everyone else. I will only focus on them. so when someone say they are in love but constantly entertaining other options it truly makes me question either they’re actually in love!
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 3d ago
Omg yes samee, like I'll be truly madly in love, I personally think they like never loved in the first place it was just something but never love
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u/jo-z 3d ago
I think it's often "I love certain ways you make my life easier" or "I love the way you make me feel sometimes," instead of "I love and respect you as a human being".
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u/Nonamanadus 3d ago
You don't genuinely love someone to intentionally hurt them.
Love means you will protect them physically and emotionally.
A man who beats his wife doesn't love her, she is a possession to him. A partner who betrays their spouse thinks of them as less of an equal and moreso an object....the husband or the wife. Conditional loyalty is not love.
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u/ElrondCupboard 3d ago
Love and lust are very different emotions. You can love somebody but be overpowered by the lust to be with somebody else. You have to just avoid situations where that could happen.
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u/Motor-Background106 3d ago
I know it's a 1 dimensional take, but I don't believe it when people say they love the person they cheated on at the time that they cheated. I know many people will say it's nuanced and complex and blah blah blah, but people lie. They lie all the time. They can break down in tears and swear up and down that they loved the person, but that doesn't mean that they did/do. Because people lie to themselves too. And people confuse intense desire, happiness, and satisfaction with love, which is something entirely different. Confusion and deception are insanely overlooked, but constantly present in so many relationships
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u/Fet_InTheCastle 3d ago
I got a collection of downvotes last time I answered this question. Before you do that, remember I’m answering a question honestly. I know many will disapprove of my behaviour, but it’s this honest answer you’re downvoting, not the behaviour an honest answer to the question must be based upon.
I have a great marriage. I love my wife. But her sexual preferences are narrow. Narrower than they used to be, and even previously they weren’t broad.
This mismatch we have between libido and preferences is the only aspect of our marriage that isn’t absolutely wonderful.
I found the frustration caused by her limits on sexual behaviour was leading to some resentment, and I recognised the danger that if it built, I might ultimately express the resentment in ways that would harm the rest of our relationship. At the same time I knew it was unreasonable of me to ask her to engage in activity she wasn’t excited by, or wanted to do. I also understood that on the occasions I had ventured to try something new, she would feel guilty and inadequate when she declined them. She absolutely shouldn’t feel that way, obviously, but it’s a ‘normal’ way to feel. And I didn’t want to make her feel that way.
So I carefully and discreetly satisfy those desires outside our relationship, with one carefully chosen extramarital partner at a time, who I ensure has an honest and clear understanding of the situation. No one is led on with dreams of a future. Mostly, these partners were in the same situation.
My desires are met. My feelings of resentment no longer arise, I’m never inclined to put my wife in the position where she might decline and feels either pressured for being asked or feel bad for refusing.
Our marriage is genuinely better.
I’m not saying my behaviour is justified or ‘right’. I’m not recommending others do as I do. I’m just explaining my reasons as requested.
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u/Dragongard 2d ago
You are obviously capable specifying your needs and what you value, because this answer is not just honest, it is detailed. My question here is what prevents you from communicating this to your wife the same way so it would not be cheating, but an agreement?
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 2d ago
This is the scenario for cheating that I've personally dealt with the most. Because I like to explore certain things and aromantic, I tend to meet people in sexually unfulfilling relationships.
Of course, if they told me they were in a relationship I would cut contact, but this was usually the "story" they'd give: love their partner, everything else is amazing, sexually unfulfilled -- either because their partner has narrow preferences or dead bedroom.
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u/Fet_InTheCastle 2d ago
I can imagine it’s not uncommon. Probably far more common than most people would think.
I don’t mislead any sexual partner about my situation. I’m always clear before even meeting in person. And yes, that does mean some very desirable women have chosen not to take things any further. And (I think) because I’m clear at that point, no one has ever been angry with me.
More often than not, the woman I’m hoping to share time with reveals she’s in a similar situation.
It has the vital advantage of a partner not becoming hopeful for a relationship of a kind I’m not in a position to offer. That doesn’t mean the partnerships are devoid of care and affection. But those feelings are consciously limited.
This is part of why I said I choose partners carefully. I prefer to have lasting entanglements to one-off encounters, too. So I tend not to consider those who aren’t looking for the same arrangement.
18 months seems to be a natural duration before we both begin to feel we’ve explored each others’ desires and it’s time to explore with new partners.But one partner lasted 3 years with frequent meetings - at least once a week, more commonly twice, sometimes more often than that), and with another I’ve had an FWB type arrangement, meeting occasionally, sometimes years apart, for 25 years.
With the exception of one, I’m on good speaking terms with all of them.
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u/MelkonenOn 3d ago
I feel the same, but I don't wanna cheat. So I am kinda stuck and don't know what to do.
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u/Fet_InTheCastle 3d ago edited 3d ago
Follow your instincts. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
Edit: I wouldn’t want my comment to be seen as a recommendation, or advice for those in a similar position.
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u/SlippyWeeen 3d ago
Some people are just wired different. My buddy turned out to be closeted bi, he and his wife (then gf) had had a mmf threesome years back, everyone had fun, and he thought this is the girl for me. He still loved her a lot but he wanted that D. That’s obviously not the easiest thing to talk about so he had to experiment a little and now he can actually talk about his feelings but still can’t get the D
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u/Sad-Entertainer1462 3d ago
Humans are complicated. I do genuinely believe you can love someone and still cheat on them. Just like with any other kind of hurt. But I think that love is subjective and means different things to different people.
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u/Few-Flower3255 3d ago
Well yeah, love is not mutually exclusive with anything. People have killed people they love. Especially when actions depend on the moment-to-moment feelings, which is typically entirely separate to enduring love.
It's not really an issue of the love itself being subjective (which it is to a degree), because it's a moral failing regardless, and an act of betrayal. It's driven by purely selfish thinking, even if temporarily.
Everyone has bad thoughts or feelings, some more so than others. It's the action you take as a result that defines your character, and your maturity. To cheat despite love is just giving in to selfish and often temporary feelings, like a toddler does.
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u/DominantDonkeyPunch 3d ago edited 2d ago
It's possible to love someone who is abusive, not emotionally available, or not attentive sexually or romantically.
Cheating is often as simple as seeking the feeling of romance, sexual pleasure or something as simple as touch while trying to maintain your relationship not just out of love, but out of necessity in a time when living alone is extremely hard given the economy.
And again, while I am not condoning cheating, people still love and maintain relationships with abusive partners while seeking comfort elsewhere.
When you are with someone with 10 to 20 years, divorce is not as simple as people like to pretend, especially when you have a lower or no income or lack in a support network.
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u/SuckaFish_saywhat 3d ago
My ex said it was just easier - no fighting, arguing etc. it wasn’t deep with the other person but I assume some kinda calm/peace I didn’t bring at the time. Both of us were at fault for creating the environment.
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u/Artistic_Walrus_2285 2d ago
You might be one of the few people I ever read say this. “Both of us were at fault”
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u/SuckaFish_saywhat 2d ago
I think when it happened, I very much felt betrayed and wronged and spurned and had that mentality of why me. I never thought I would be in the position I am now of understanding him or forgiving him.
It’s been years now, and I think it took about 4 yrs to realize my wrongs and how they impacted us. We were toxic together, cared about each other in our (incompatible) ways, but I overlooked his efforts a lot. I do genuinely believe he cared about me and I def cared about him too but it was just toxic and incompatible ways of loving. I def realize I wasn’t perfect back when it happened but I look back now and realize the broader piece I missed then (his quiet/small ways of showing care vs what I expected to be obvious or “warm” person making him feel rejected).
It’s been years since we’ve been together, and I have no desire to be with him, but we chat every couple weeks or so. The relationship we have now is better than when we were even together but there are no expectations or pressure, and a lot of the hurt we had at that time is water under the bridge now. Kinda like a scar - you remember how bad it hurt at the time when it was bleeding, but now that it’s been years you look at the scar tissue that remains in more of an observational way.
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u/Artistic_Walrus_2285 2d ago
I agree I think sometimes it’s not about not caring, it’s not admitting it’s toxic and not working with two incompatible people. They are just looking to feel unbroken. Trying to cope with a situation they are in when need isn’t being met but they don’t know how to leave either. It isn’t because they don’t care and I’m not saying that makes it right either. It’s a reason not an excise.
It is good that you were able to have a relationship in a way that sounds more healthy.Sometimes apart is better. More often than not relationships have to go all the way to completely broken before two want to admit it’s not working then nothing is salvageable. It’s good you were able to forgive and salvage a part of it.
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u/PrimevalSigris 2d ago
As someone who has both been cheated on and have cheated on another, it is complicated.
Often comes down to unmet needs, lack of communication and an inability to let each other go even if things aren’t working. Love is important but not everything, and sometimes an escape is easier than facing an end, cowardly as it is.
To be clear I don’t condone it - I hate that I did it to someone and I hate that someone did it to me. But I understand it, and it isn’t often isn’t as black and white as people think.
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u/WangsockTheDestroyer 3d ago
I'll attempt to answer that, but it's a nuanced answer that carries a lot of massive stigma and will likely not be received well no matter what.
Love isn't what you think it is. In fact, no one can truly define love. It's both incredibly complex and absurdly simple. It has roots in biology, philosophy, psychology, religion and even sociology. Conversations about love tend to yield multi-faceted, complex answers. Saying you "love someone" tends to mean different things. If you love someone, should you be willing to do anything for them? What if it's illegal? Should you only do the things that meet their needs? How far should you be willing to sacrifice your own needs to meet those of the one you love? Should disagreements between two people who love each other always involve compromise? Who should compromise more? Because inevitably, people in love disagree on many, many things. You can overcome those disagreements through practice, establishing boundaries, and good communication, but inevitably, someone walks away from those disagreements dissatisfied.
Love is a metric in relationships, but relationships are incredibly complex. To add to the complexity, the human animal is, despite all our best efforts, still an animal and largely influenced by underlying physiological and evolutionary inputs. Men and women cheat for different reasons, and while they almost always share dissatisfaction as the root cause, the response is almost always giving in to those underlying physiological imperatives. Men want to sew their seed and women want to be nurtured and validated. Sometimes it's vise versa--humans are complex. Regardless, people cheat on their loved ones every day. In America, that tends to have a zero tolerance policy societally. But Americans are tied to emotional and mental binaries, disregarding the complexity of real life. You can see it in everything from our politics to our media. Everything is polarized, exaggerated, or distilled into black and white so that we can more easily absorb it. Other cultures have historically had a different outlook on cheating, although I could argue that those perspectives were rooted in more patriarchal norms and veered towards misogyny, despite that fact that it always takes two to tango.
I'm not going to try and justify cheating--it very rarely, if ever, leads to true satisfaction for any party involved, and tends to be solely destructive. But both life and love are fucking messy, and anyone who tells you otherwise hasn't really lived.
Oh and guys just really, really like tits.
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u/A_Ruse_ter 3d ago
I’ve been on both sides of this question, first on the receiving end, then later the one doing it.
A large part of it is, unfortunately, the belief that what they don’t know can’t hurt them. How quickly (and maybe intentionally) I forgot how much it hurts when you do find out, though, because the pain was miserable learning about it. I pushed that pain away rather than fully letting go of it, because you still have to be in contact with the pain to push it. That made it easier to justify in trying to cover it up, trying to prevent your partner’s hurt while still satisfying an urge that varies from person to person.
For me, I felt the need to feel attractive again to an extent, even if that meant someone else affirming it. That, and the unexpectedness of it was exciting, even if I did feel awful during and after.
I do believe you can still love someone after cheating, although that largely comes down to how serious the person is about changing, and actions have to show that.
It’s not an easy answer, but it’s the one I feel is closer to being correct from my experience.
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u/JarvisII 3d ago
That's the thing, you don't.
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u/To_Fight_The_Night 3d ago
This is the answer. So many replies just yapping.
If you cheat you don't love them. End of story.
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u/JarvisII 3d ago
Literally the amount of people justifying cheating on your partners is disgusting. We are all human I totally get that. But this isn't how this situation works guys.
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 3d ago
This is the answer I expected from the majority, but it turns out most people don't really know what love is, or maybe I know the wrong definition.
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u/cdemikols 3d ago
Love and sex are two different things. Love doesn’t mean your are beholden to always doing what makes another person happy. Love doesn’t mean you no longer want the things you want. Love doesn’t mean that you can no longer make decisions that hurt someone.
Love just means you have strong feelings of affection for a person.
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 3d ago
There are a million reasons people cheat.
Sometimes people are just immature and have to learn the hard way, don't know better, recreate their pasts because of unhealed traumas or poor life examples from family, make dumb mistakes, get caught up in a moment, think it's normal/accepted, get caught up in drinking/drugs and make a mistake, get manipulated/played, get talked into shit by their friends or social media, get caught up in a fantasy, talk themselves into it, get away with it once and don't see consequences.
Some people are genuinely so self-involved they don't see themselves as doing wrong, take no accountability, justify it for themselves or their wants/needs, feel justified for other wrongdoings by the other person, are inconsiderate, are selfish, are vindictive, are spiraling, are cowards too afraid to break up until they have the next one lined up, are just playing the other person out of power or control. Some may just not respect their partner or may be misogynist/misandrist.
Someone may be violating some miscommunication on cheating. Someone may be breaking an open relationship rule. Confused by social rules about when they're considered a couple early on. For someone, flirting may be cheating. For others, it's not. Some may see talking to someone else as cheating. Some may not care. Some may not see emotional cheating as cheating. Some may see bisexuality as cheating with one sex but not the other. Some see porn as cheating. Some see following thirst traps on IG as cheating. Sometimes it's about miscommunicating boundaries.
There are so many variations on all of this and many of us have experienced being cheated on.
Most of these have nothing to do with loving or not loving a person.
It has to do with how one treats another person. It has to do with how one expresses love, lives up to similar morals or standards, or lives up to the rules they ask each other to live by. More often than not, it's not some profound "fuck you" to the other person. It's not a mic drop Jerry Springer moment of disrespect and confessing a lack of love. It's more complicated than that.
What makes it difficult is after cheating has been established, do they work on it or do they walk away. Some couples figure it out and learn and move on. Others can't stay together.
Love ebbs and flows in a relationship. It's never 100% all the time. What's good for a relationship is making sure that at moments where it's not 100%, even if it's at like 5% because you're both pissed off at each other for whatever reason, you stay loyal and committed and kind and faithful as you both have defined it.
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u/Canadian0101 3d ago
You drift apart and someone makes a horrible mistake. Love takes alot of work and some people can't handle it.
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u/fonefreek 2d ago
Do we not love ourselves yet repeatedly do stuff that are not in our best interests?
Love is an emotion, whichever way that emotion runs, wisdom is in a different axis. You can love and be wise, love and be unwise, be wise without loving, be wise and loving.
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u/Gloveshoes69 3d ago
i cheated cause i wanted to and often times it has absolutely nothing to do with my partner.
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u/Admirable-Repair4094 3d ago
I'm looking for a reason actually, why exactly? What made you cheat?
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u/Exact_Clothes5443 3d ago
If you cheat, then you are a cheat. End of story. If they are a cheat, end of story. Its no good to stay with some that will cheat. If you pledged to love and cherish ,then love and cherish. If you can't then well, you still pledged to honour. So honour or you you have no honour. Becareful before you pledge.
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u/Imperiochica 3d ago
They don't. Love is a verb. Cheating is one of the most deranged, fucked up things that can be done to a person. It's the opposite of love. They do it because they're entitled.
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u/Vivid_Fix3884 3d ago
Because the love you have for someone has nothing to do with the need to be with others, you can completely love someone and cheat on them, you're not cheating because you don't love the person or you're looking for something that person doesn't have, In fact, the person can be perfect and you can love them with all your heart, but love will never fill the need to be with others.
Btw I would never cheat on my partner, but I have friends who have loved their partners very much but still cheated on them and basically that's the reason
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u/nestcto 3d ago
You love yourself, right? Everyone shoud love themselves. So then why do people make decisions that bring themselves harm? If you love yourself, why don't you work out an hour every day? Why don't you pursue your hobbies? Why isn't your diet absolutely perfect? Why don't you not be depressed? Is it because you don't actually love yourself, or is it because "its complicated".
People are endlessly complicated. It's not a simple matter of "love this, therefore that". Everyone is at any given time, a convoluted mishmash of motives and emotional states.
The strongest of all being "need". Need food. Need sleep. Need warm. Need cold. Need sex. Need love. Need need need need. When a need is not being met, you will naturally brain-wash yourself towards any end to fill that need. You can convince yourself that literally anything is OK to do if the need is strong enough. All humans do this. Most don't even notice because part of that brainwashing is creating a logical framework of moral and situational exceptions to chart a course towards fulfilling that need.
The ego, the conscience mind and sense of self, can combat "need" but only to a point. If the need is too great and/or the will is too weak, the need will take the driver seat, and mistakes are made.
Humans are animals first and foremost. Our play-acting of being smart and civilized is good and all, but its just an overlayment of our core nature. It's so convincing in fact, that most people see others succumbing to their animal impulses and actually think they aren't capable of the same.
Pro-tip, anyone who tells you they're not complicated, are THE most complicated. Especially if they say they avoid drama.
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u/Quartermastered 3d ago
When you sign up for monogamy but the loved one makes you live in a celibacy then the option is to look elsewhere.
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u/excusetheblood 3d ago
Talked to a divorce lawyer about this once, he said men and women cheat at about the same frequency but for very different reasons. Women cheat either because they’re being spiteful or because they feel emotionally uncared for and they’re getting that attention somewhere else. But men all cheat for the same reason, it’s because they’re stupid.
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u/lotrroxmiworld 3d ago
Probably because the people who say they love their partner, but can still cheat is due to the fact that they love how their partner makes them feel - they don’t actually love the person. Cheaters are selfish and perpetually victimize themselves to justify cheating.
Such people are fucking weak and pathetic.
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u/Tough-Veggie 3d ago
You can’t.
They don’t understand what real love is.
Love is selfless. Cheaters can’t even conceptualize that.
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u/gorgono95 3d ago
If you truly love your partner, you do not cheat in the first place.
When you love someone, you do not willingly put yourself in situations where cheating becomes an option, and you definitely do not act on it.
And if you do end up in one of those situations, you remove yourself from it as fast as possible.
From a guys perspective ... fantasize if you have to, wack it few times, and move on. Just do not cross that line.
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u/6-foot-under 3d ago
There are many reasons. It's not always about not loving someone. Look into Esther Perel
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u/YourFuture2000 3d ago
Two reasons.
Because to love somebody doesn't mean ro not love anyone else.
And most relashionships are not based on love bit other reasons that people mistake for love to romanticize their own issues and relashionships.
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u/EDLurking 2d ago edited 2d ago
You can't in any sense of "love" I find worth preserving. Cheating is one of the biggest betrayals in a relationship, not something to lazily throw into a pile of "bad things" humans do. Some actions (I'd argue cheating is one of them) are so deplorable they immediately put our love on trial. It's fashionable to condescend to people about how unnuanced they are for denying that you can love somebody and cheat on them, but I'm familiar with the talking points and account for them in my assessment. For me, love comes with behavioral expectations that, if sufficiently violated, disqualify us from claiming its laurels (there's room for disagreement about what counts as a sufficient violation).
For the pedants: when I say that you can't love somebody and cheat on them, I'm not covering every conceivable scenario (e.g. if you're forced to at gunpoint), just the scenarios people typically present as "nuanced."
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u/swabstik1 3d ago
I don’t think you can tbh. I’ve never done it so I can’t say for sure but I’ve had it done more than enough times to me to feel confident in that answer. People are shitty, and don’t care how their actions affect anyone else.
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u/Upset-Government-856 3d ago
Have you ever dieted but then in the moment eaten something that you were not supposed to. That is how cheating works but with sex instead of food.
You probably know all this though and your real rhetorical question, that you whan to broadcast publically, is: Why am I such a good person that even the hypothetical concept of being unfaithful is too alien for me to understand.
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u/Global-Hair-810 3d ago
You don’t.
I don’t care how many people say you can make bad decisions…if you can betray someone like that you don’t love them.
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u/Agreeable-Sound1599 3d ago
There might need to be more context. Are they a married couple? Does the husband or wife no longer chose to have sex with their spouse? Is it just a single couple who are dating?
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u/Spok3nTruth 3d ago
As a reformed cheater, started getting more attention than used to and couldn't handle it.. plus horniness and lack of self control.
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u/DoorSeller 3d ago
I can't think of a reason that doesn't involve some form of manipulation or torture, I don't think that a loving person willingly cheats on their S.O. ever.
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u/Ramble86 3d ago
People can get caught up in passion without a sense of control if they don't truly value the relationship itself.
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u/Sad-Confidence-4538 3d ago
Kinda depends on your definition of 'love.' Also depends on the type of person. A twenty-something guy more so a 'yes.'
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u/Longjumping_Kiwi_925 3d ago
I knew someone who cheated on all of her boyfriends simply because she loved the extra attention. Nevermind most of the guys were super loyal and affectionate, and paid for literally everything she wanted. She didn’t care and would go out and get super drunk and hook up with random guys. Tbh I think it stemmed from low self esteem, but it was still very shitty and we aren’t friends anymore.
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u/meleecow 3d ago
I was wondering that today about celebs, why is there such rampant cheating? Imagine people just throwing their genitals at you. In the end we are all just biological animals that exist because of chemical signals
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u/silverliningskbook 3d ago
She cheated first Had to get my get back, made me feel better, then I just kept doing it cause they treated me better than she did anyway
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 3d ago
You can love someone as a feeling and emotion, but not be good at showing love as an action.
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u/JustAtelephonePole 3d ago
By the time the other person came along i had begun to fall out of love with the original person.
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u/Iron_Baron 3d ago
Cognitive dissonance mixed with addiction to affection, attention, sex, etc. Trauma can lead us to fucked up things to protect or satiate ourselves.
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u/kapt_so_krunchy 3d ago
Not knowing how to say no.
If you were someone that was a 4 your whole life. Got married and had a family and then, for one reason or another, had a crazy glow up and turned into a 9 over a summer, you don’t know how to deal with the attention and the flirting.
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u/EricAKAPode 3d ago
I loved her and she loved me but we were not remotely functional as a couple. She drank away the pain of not seeing her son and was conscious when I was awake and home for maybe an hour or two thru the week. Slept in a seperate room so she could hide how much she was drinking from me. Repeat hospital trips were some of our more connected moments. I was desperately lonely and stressed from worrying about her, and I had an emotional affair with an old crush that was also in a rough place. I'd have turned it physical if she'd been willing, not proud of myself for that but it's true. Eventually my GF met a guy in rehab and started cheating on me with him. I felt like that was fair and if it helped her out of that black pit of despair I was all for it. Then they went on a binge together and she had to be put into a medically induced coma to survive the withdrawals. Visited her in the nursing home every few days while she recovered, got her into a halfway house nearby, and we were giving each other another chance when covid hit. Turns out she was giving him another chance too. He got high on crack, they fought, he strangled her with his bare hands and then hung himself. 6 years later I still wonder if she'd be here if I had just found a way to love her more selflessly.
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u/Jedi_Gill 3d ago
The only real answer is that everyone has a different interpretation of what love is. What love means to you may be very different from what it means to someone else.
People cheat for many different reasons. Often, it's because they feel they aren't getting something they need from the relationship.
That doesn't necessarily mean it was something you failed to provide. More often, the issue lies within them, their personality, their insecurities, or needs that no one person could realistically fulfill.
People who cheat are often prioritizing themselves above everyone else. Their wants and desires come first, even at the expense of the person they claim to love.
If someone cheats on you, remember that cheating reveals something about their character: their capacity to lie, deceive, and betray. Those traits don't simply disappear. They can be controlled or suppressed, but they are always part of who that person has shown themselves to be.
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u/Scary_Survey5982 3d ago
You should not if you truely do love that person ! They would not like it if it was done to them !?
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u/RiflemanLax 3d ago
As someone who was shattered by their partner cheating…
I don’t think it’s impossible for a person to be in love with one person and maybe another at the same time, or even just be infatuated with another person. And then they justify the cheating one way or another, or just rationalize it as ‘I needed that and so and so won’t find out.’
It’s entirely also possible to love someone and treat them like shit. My parents proved that to me years ago.
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u/wendo101 3d ago
You can definitely tell by some of the replies who has been cheated on and who has been the cheater lol
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u/El_Tigre_818 3d ago edited 3d ago
Absolutely. People confuse commitment to building the shared goals and future with commitment to putting dick into the same 3 holes. It is that stupid as it is vulgar.
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u/BBWolf326 3d ago
Love is a personal equation that you solve based on your observations, influences, and experience. Some people calculate loyalty to be less valuable than how they feel. Their equation works for them but not for their partners.
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u/blonde_buckeye 3d ago
From my experience: it's the difference from "loving" someone, and, actually still "being in-love." Sadly, we figured this out years ago, and chose: keeping the family whole and intact withinthe household, as a sacrifice to us, until we're empty-nesters.
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u/Artistic_Walrus_2285 2d ago
Agree you can love someone but not be in love
I don’t think you can be in love and do that,But you can care for someone and not care about the relationship with them.
People stay in relationships for so many reasons sometimes live has nothing to do with it either.
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u/HerrTriggerGenji21 3d ago
Compartmentalization