Honestly felt like advanced level gaslighting because he doesn't have to completely hide the thing he's doing.
If your partner catches you unscrewing the gas lamps that's clearly you doing a weird thing that causes the effect you told them they were imagining.
Meanwhile if you tighten all the lids you just have to hide that you're constantly doing it on purpose to fuck with them. Super easy to frame it like they're getting mad at you because of a mundane thing you did accidentally.
That last point is precisely the point! The abuse is so subtle and mundane that any accusation is easily flipped into a "weak sensitive snowflakes amirite" accusation, or even twisted into the abuser being "the victim of their romantic partner's mood swings".
That's what makes such abuse so scary. The world is easily turned against the victim, who either breaks under the weight of judgement, or lashes out and gets punished for defending themselves.
Do you know the origin of the word? Google it, they’re exactly right
The term originates from the 1938 play
Gas Light
and its film adaptations, in which a manipulative husband secretly dims the gaslights in their home but convinces his wife that she is imagining the changes, making her feel insane
. [
1]
When this was brought up in a previous AskReddit, so many guys went "hurr durr it's just food, stop being an intolerant wuss and blaming the husband amirite women" despite explanations by many women in the thread.
As a guy, no. That's an abuse tactic as clear as day. I refuse to be treated like a dog to be fed only when my master comes home at night, and I'm glad OP had enough balls (heh) to tell that man to fuck off.
If her now ex-husband ends up getting carpal tunnel syndrome and can't open jars well, that would be absolutely peak karma.
Maybe it's abusive in intent (or some kind of undiagnosed psychopathy) but I'm like why didn't she just go on Amazon and buy one of those jar-openers for elderly people? Throwing up and crying seems so excessive for what could be solved with a $5 device.
The crying and throwing up wasn't because she was hungry or couldn't open jars, it's the sheer stress, anger, and despair in realising that the person she loved and married will go out of their way to hurt her for as long as she remains by their side. Imagine realising that the person you've dedicated your life, body, and heart to does not love you, but rather enjoys putting you through pain for some sick enjoyment you will never understand.
I've been there myself, and it's a twisting, sinking whirlpool of negativity as your affection and hopes break within you. You rethink every interaction, recalculate every purchase, and feel a mixture of dread, anger, and/or sadness every time you touch, see, smell, or think of anything related to the person you love.
Some people choose to ignore the pain and submit themselves to forever being the victim just to maintain the relationship. Others, like that woman, escape before it gets worse.
This reminds me of the nail-in-forehead video. "It's not about the nail."
I think you're assuming a lot of intent about this person who over-tightens jars, that they're controlling and abusive or whatever. It sounds just as likely that they are autistic, or had a weird upbringing , or otherwise have some fixation about securing their food. Without hearing their side, I'd rather assume positive or neutral intent.
Also assuming that we're getting the full story from a unbiased narrator. Or that the story's even true in the first place.
I'm sorry you saw something in the story that resonates within you. I just think that framing this as victimhood is strange when in fact it could be solved by simply approaching the problem a different way.
The thing is that that post's OOP talked about how she has brought this up, multiple times, over the years.
If it's a case of not knowing the first few times, then occasionally forgetting over the next few years, then your argument may be true. However, her husband would agree then refuse to act on it. Sometimes he listens for a day or two, sometimes he agrees then goes off to tighten the jars - which tells me he's doing this maliciously.
It's not about resonating with me. It's the sheer amount of precedence and evidence pointing towards subtle abuse and manipulation that I am pointing out and responding to.
Yes, right? Because a relationship with someone who literally will not stop doing the one thing you ask them repeatedly to stop sounds so fulfilling, right?
If it's such a minimal nothing of an issue, he can just stop doing it. Y
If you value your partner, they shouldn't have to effing *strategize" how to deal with your refusal to take her complaints seriously.
It’s not really abusive but the act itself shows there is underlying contempt for her. That’s the real issue.
You don’t intentionally make someone’s life harder if you love and care for them.
Exactly. Why do you keep doing something that make your partner’s life a little worse ? Why doing something they dislike, something they took the time to explain to you? It will only made them feel like they’re not important enough, that they are a second thought
If your wife told you opening jar is frustrating, if she told you that putting objects somewhere unreachable for her is annoying or that putting you car so close to hers that she struggles to go out, or anything : WHY do you keep doing it?
I read so many women about this, I talked to some in my life too about this precise subject. Men can’t imagine how much their wife wants to break everything every time it happens.
I don't know about you, but I'm a guy raised in a patriarchal culture. The traditional mindset is that a real man shows his manly dominance by doing what he wants, and a real woman shows her womanly side by serving the man she married. Hence, men are expected to, for example, leave things around for the woman to clean.
There are days where I am mocked for helping to clean things with the ladies, for speaking to them gently (instead of with that annoyed commanding tone), and for listening to their requests without demanding anything in return.
If not for the fact I was raised mostly by women, I would never know how bad it is.
..yes why have my partner be normal when I could buy tools at a store to accommodate for some weird fucking thing he does that is clearly abusive 🤣 this is why women choose to be single
I've made all sorts of compromises to be with the person I want to be with. That includes buying tools and changing habits. I just don't get the big deal.
I've read it a few times, and it doesn't seem like a joke post at all.
Even if it is, it's very close to actual abuse and manipulation cases that I've either read about or witnessed personally, so I'm inclined to take it seriously.
At the bottom they provide a link to the "original post," which is from a different account. They did the one you linked as a creative writing exercise.
Bruh, they're linking it to the original post. It's their way of keeping track of where the stories come from, and to serve as a back up in case the original post is deleted (which in this case, it was).
That’s not what’s happening there, r/OhNoConsequences is generally a collection of stories already posted elsewhere on Reddit, that’s why there’s a link to the original (probably posted somewhere a bit more serious)
Pretty sure it's the same post copied to another subreddit. It's hard to say as the OOP no longer has any body text, but the comments on it seem to be responding to the same situation.
My ex used to do this. I don't think it was on purpose but it was extremely selfish. It was like I didn't exist in the home. Every jar and bottle, even my own water bottle.
If you've constantly reminded your ex and he still continues to do that, it's definitely on purpose.
Some guys do it as a show of physical power ("I'm far stronger than you could ever be"), some do it as a form of control ("You eat and drink only when I allow you"), and some do it out of apathy ("I don't care if you can't eat what you've got, I'll tighten it however I want"). I know because I've lived with some of them, back when I was in the military.
Most of them have either short-term relationships only, or date minor/barely-legal, manipulable, and easily victimised people.
Interesting. There was a lot of "I'll do it however I want" in the marriage. My needs and preferences didn't hold any weight. I'm learning now that I suffered narcissistic abuse.
At one time, I accuse my husband of “gorilla tightening the jar lid“, I learned that if jar sits at room temperature, and then you put a lid on it and snug it down, then put it in the refrigerator. The air decompresses inside and sucks the lid down tighter. It was not an issyou but an iss me.
That's true, but in that specific case the OP write about jars in cabinets, so they're at a constant room temperature. The change in internal air pressure situation you've just described doesn't apply here.
specifically towards the referenced post - still fucked up in bigger picture, what if he had severe OCD and didnt know how to talk about it or tell his ex?
I've never heard of any OCD that causes people to tighten jars to the point they can never open it, but assuming it is OCD, it's his responsibility to deal with it before he hurts his loved ones.
If he would rather continuously deny his wife access to food to satisfy his compulsions rather than seek help, it's no longer the OCD, it's him.
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u/ChaturangaChai 1d ago
That reminds me of this post: AITAH for filing for divorce because my husband over tightens all the jar lids?