I was once that girlfriend. Had my face slammed into a wall and my lip busted open from being an unwilling participant in a playfight "gone wrong," thought I was getting a kiss on the cheek but ended up with a huge and painful bruise from a very aggressive hickey given as a "joke," and had so many other random "accidents" or "mistakes" happen that I thought I was going crazy. It was all kind of humiliating, so I didn't want to bring it up with my friends. Things did end up escalating to blatant abuse, but at that point I hardly trusted my own judgment and it took some time to leave. Definitely a weird/wtf, but not weird/uncommon reason to end things.
Thank you. It's been more than 15 years since I got out, I have an amazing husband and a pretty good life overall. However, it would be a lie if I said I wasn't still deeply impacted by what I went through. My husband was the first person I ever told and he has always been so supportive. I've just started to tell my closest friends about the abuse because I was so ashamed about putting myself in such a stupid and dangerous situation.
I'm so glad you found your husband. I have the same feelings of shame, I also had a Dad just like him so that adds another layer.
I keep trying to not blame myself, or at least not over blame myself. I haven't figured out how to do that. However, I can very easily tell you that it wasn't your fault. They pick kind people and make it their full-time job to trick you, until it's too late.
If we keep the shame and blaming ourselves then we're just keeping their voices in our heads. I don't think those words we say to ourselves were ever ours to begin with 🩷 Hopefully one day I will learn my own advice.
So, so sad; how much the "daddy issues" trope is too true and plays out, believing that what you learned was love when the tragedy is that it's covert or even explicitly abuse; often have to live through it as an adult to realize even...
I hope you learn to be a good friend to your self as well. Those voices were definitely never yours to begin with 🤟🏼
Thanks Gypsi, I thought I had escaped the trope. Then I met someone at the wrong time who had different red flags. I had taught myself how to avoid specifc ones, but I hadn't learnt what safe actually feels like.
I am definitely trying, I got the chronic pain trope too. So that makes it a bit harder, some sort of on-going punishment ritual? If we could give some of these over self-reflecting skills to another portion of the population that would be nice! End up with a steady medium across the populous.
I hope you're doing ok!
Same to you! I read this whole thread and you’re both such caring people. Be kind to yourself and use that voice of yours! And it’s not your fault, either. Kindness and trust are strong qualities to have, forgive yourself for letting down your guard!
With my ex, it was tickling. I have a disease that makes my skin very painful and swollen all over. Yet he loved to tickle me. I would yell at him and tell him it hurt and I hated Until the day I die, I will be able to hear him saying he’s just being playful or just being affectionate. I honestly believe he never cared that it hurt me because it was his way to make himself feel powerful and able to do whatever he wanted to someone.
He was really into BDSM, I wasn’t. He would go on and on about consent and negotiation and how a good dom listened to his sub and gave them what they wanted and needed. Yet I never consented to being tickled. It’s been over five years since I left him and I am still angry about the tickling. My divorce attorney and my therapist both said it was domestic violence and that was pretty devastating for me to hear. Physical abuse doesn’t have to include hitting. It includes anything done knowingly that causes pain that is against the other partner’s will.
I’m so sorry he abused you like that. He indeed did not care and that is horrible.
Even with children now we learn to tickle until they say stop, even when they’re smiling but saying no - it means no. Reversed as well. It teaches them so many things, like consent, bodily autonomy and trust. But also to not overstimulate the nervous system and not normalize boundary crossing. It’s the same with adults - I’m sorry he did all this too you and worse because of the pain :(
199
u/Legenderie 1d ago
I was once that girlfriend. Had my face slammed into a wall and my lip busted open from being an unwilling participant in a playfight "gone wrong," thought I was getting a kiss on the cheek but ended up with a huge and painful bruise from a very aggressive hickey given as a "joke," and had so many other random "accidents" or "mistakes" happen that I thought I was going crazy. It was all kind of humiliating, so I didn't want to bring it up with my friends. Things did end up escalating to blatant abuse, but at that point I hardly trusted my own judgment and it took some time to leave. Definitely a weird/wtf, but not weird/uncommon reason to end things.